The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Self-Improvement of Salvadore Ross - full transcript

You unlock this door
with the key of imagination.

Beyond it is another dimension-

a dimension of sound,

a dimension of sight,

a dimension of mind.

You're moving into a land
of both shadow and substance,

of things and ideas.

You've just crossed over
into the twilight zone.

Hey!

You with the
rich boyfriend.

Well, come on, just
because i'm successful,



that don't make me stuck-up.

? la-la.?

Hello, sal.

Whose is it?

Oh, it couldn't
be mine, huh?

Come on, whose is it?

It belongs to
this guy halpert.

He's about 170 years old

and owns half
of connecticut.

How do you know him?

I got a new job
washing cars

in the building
where he lives.

I see this little beauty
waiting for action.

Battery might run down,
something like that.



You mean he doesn't know
you have his car?

He doesn't care,
he digs me.

See, i've done him
some small favors.

And... well,
come on, let's go!

No, thanks very much.

No, wait, i ain't lying.

Only time he leaves
is to dig chicks

and try and find out

how it was
when he was young.

Well, i'm sorry,
i'm tired

and i told my father

i'd play chess
with him tonight.

Chess? Wait a minute.

Okay.

Okay, i...

watch how i can make nice.

Oh, gee, i'm sorry.

Well, i'll borrow
the wheels again

next friday, and
be by to pick you up.

Now, wasn't that
polite?

Yes.

Very polite.

I meant what i said
the last time, sal.

No, you didn't.

Yes, i did.

We can't keep
seeing each other.

I should never
have let it

get started
in the first place.

Sure, as long as you're
the saintly social worker

and i'm one of the crumbs,
everything's all right.

But as soon as
we get too close,

you notice i got
dirt on my hands.

That has nothing...

and i don't talk
like your old man.

Sal, we're just
two people

who are never going
to understand each other.

Baby...

with your education,
you can think up

a better "dear john"
than that.

I'm sorry.

Listen.

I won't always have
dirt on my hands.

I don't need no books
to show me the way up.

I got the map,
i'll get there.

Leah, is something the matter?

No.

No, dad, there's
nothing wrong.

No, there's
nothing wrong, dad.

Hello, sal.

Are you happy that
you've convinced her

she's too much for a bum
like salvadore ross, hmm?

I admit i wouldn't choose you
for my daughter.

But it's not my decision-
it's hers.

Besides, i may be
wrong about you.

She obviously sees you
differently than i do.

No, i don't.

Not anymore.

Why can't i want something
in my life and get it?!

Just once!

Confidential personnel file
on salvadore ross.

A volatile mixture
of fury and frustration.

Distinguishing
physical characteristic:

A badly broken hand
which will require

emergency treatment
at the nearest hospital.

Ambition:

Shows great determination
toward self-improvement.

Estimate of potential success:

A sure bet for a listing
inwho's who-

in the twilight zone.

Here we are, mr. Ross.

The orthopedic ward is full.

But you'll be just fine
in here for tonight.

Why don't you just
let me go home?

The doctor
has to prepare the cast

after he checks
the x-rays tomorrow.

Good night.

Wait a minute!

Where are my clothes?

Your clothes are in that closet.

Now, good night.
Good night.
Good night.

You do something to your hand?

No.

I came here
for a good night's sleep.

The waldorf
was getting on my nerves.

I bet it hurts.

Yeah, it hurts.

You're still lucky, though.

My luck wins prizes.

No, i...

i mean it.

I've got this awful congestion
in my chest.

Are you griping about a cold?

At your age,
it might just be a cold.

But at mine, it could
easily turn into pneumonia.

You know, young man,

you could break both legs
and an elbow

and still be swimming
inside a month.

Yeah?

Well, if you think...

you think this is so great,
let's swap.

You take my busted hand,
i'll take your lousy cold.

It's a deal.

Oh, my hand.

What's the matter
with my hand?

Oh.

What have you done?

Quite a bargain we made,
huh, pop?

No, please.

I want to swap back.

Please, look, it'll never heal,
not at my age.

All deals are final.

If you buy this,
mr. Halpert,

it'll be the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Come in.

Wow, some pad!

Strange for a man
of my years-

that's what
you're thinking?

Oh, no, listen,
i always figure

you still know
how to swing.

Well, where is it?

What?

This wonderful item

that i'm supposed
to purchase.

Uh... well, you're
looking at it.

I'm looking at it?

Yeah, it's youth,

that's what i want
to sell you.

Youth that
comes in bot...?

Get out of here.

No, wait a minute.

I read in the paper

you're 72 years
old, right?

I'm 26.

Now, what would you give
to be 26 again?

You're the kookiest kid

they ever turned loose
in the streets.

Okay, think
what you want

but just listen, will you?

It won't hurt anything.

Come on, how much would you give

to be 26 years old
again?

How much?

Well, come on, how much?

Um... a million bucks?

All right,
let's say a million dollars.

And what about this pad,
do you own it?

Yes, i own it.

Do you throw that in
as part of the deal?

How do you propose to deliver
these years you rave about?

I'm going to sell
youmyyears.

All right,
tell you what,

you wrap the years up
and mail them to me, huh?

Wait, a minute,
how about the pad?

Is that going to
be part of the deal?

Yes, i'll make it
part of the deal.

I wouldn't think
of taking your years

for anything less
than their worth.

Man, a million bucks,
and this pad-

you just bought
46 years, mr. Halpert.

I'm sure i did.

No, you're not sure.

But you got a big
surprise in store.

Go on, get out of here.

Come in.

Here are the evening papers
you ordered, sir.

Come in.

Shut the door.

Come all the way in,
let's have a look at you.

You're the new owner.

I was wondering
why i hadn't seen you.

Well, uh... i've
been staying in.

But i've seen you, uh,

operating the elevator.

Oh?

What happened to mr. Halpert?

Oh, well
he decided to take a cruise

with some young friends of his.

He'll be away
so long

he was kind enough to...

sell me this place.

Sounds just like mr. Halpert.

He sure knew
how to spend his money.

How much do you
make a year?

Well, um, right now

i get $52.50 a week,
plus tips.

Hmm.

Well, then, this
should help some.

Here we are.

Picture of lincoln

just for
bringing the papers.

Mr. Ross,
i have a feeling

you'll get very good
service here.

How would you like
to make more...

lots more?

Just so long as
it's legal, mr. Ross.

How old are you?

Nineteen.

Would you like to be 20?

I'll make it one of these years.

What would you say
if someone wanted to buy

a year of your life
for say, uh...

$250?

I suppose i'd tell him

to go take a leap at the moon.

You wouldn't sell a year
of your life for that money?

I enjoy my life, mr. Ross.

The days may be
dull, but...

i wouldn't swap
some of my nights for...

all the crown jewels
in a golden bucket.

Wait, come back!

Yes, sir?

You thought i was joking,
didn't you?

I don't think i know

what you're talking
about, mr. Ross.

What's your name?

Albert... rowe.

Well, you can put
that in later, hmm?

Here we are.

Now...

doesn't that make it
more reasonable?

That's a thousand dollars,
mr. Ross.

That's right, albert.

What do i have to do?

I told you- nothing.

If you accept this,

you'll wake up in the morning
one year older, that's all.

Does it really make
that much difference

whether you're 19 or 20?

Now that you put it that way,

l-i guess 20 is
not such a bad age.

Fine.

Then you've made
a deal, albert.

A very,
very good deal.

Nice doing business
with you, mr. Ross...

and albert.

Pass the word
among your friends

i'm always good for cash
on these terms.

They'll be...
beating down your doors.

Who knows,
i might decide to sell you

a couple more years myself.

I'll be here, albert.

Thank you for waiting.

Yes, sir.

You're new here,
aren't you?

Yes, sir.

Thank you, mr. Ross.

I'm coming.

Is leah home yet?

No, not yet she isn't.

You don't mind
if i wait for her, do you?

Haven't seen you
for quite a while.

Well, i've been busy

making myself worthy
of your daughter.

Leave her alone, please.

Come on.

Look, my nails are clean.

I'm dressed
in the right clothes.

You're obviously
doing very well

and i'm glad.

Then why tell me
to leave her alone?

I'm a good catch, mr. Maitland.

A real good catch.

Not for leah.

Yes... exactly for leah.

Tell me, what is it

that makes you
so superior, huh?

I mean, what
have you done

that puts you on
the top shelf?

Teaching in that
rattrap school

all your life?

No, not teaching,
um, baby-sitting.

And you come home
from the war...

and what do you bring?

A game leg

and a handful
of crummy souvenirs

to put on your wall.

You know what you are?

You're a loser, mr. Maitland.

Even worse than
i used to be.

And you want leah to marry
somebody like you, huh?

Yes, even though
in your eyes i'm a failure.

Would you be a good husband
to her?

I can buy her anything
if i want to.

Do you love her?

I want her,
mr. Maitland.

That's not enough.

Leah needs somebody
who is kind and...

hi, dad.

Hello, dear.

Hello, sal.

Hi.

Your father and i

were having a
pleasant little chat.

I've worked very hard
to improve myself.

Haven't i, mr. Maitland?

You certainly look
very prosperous.

I've had some luck.

Did you?

I'm glad.

You know, you even
sound different.

Oh, you
noticed that.

Well, i met this young fellow
from college

and he needed some money,
so we made a deal.

I paid him to help me
improve my way of talking.

You must have worked
very hard, sal.

I'll tell you
about it over supper.

No, thank you
very much.

I'm really
so busy tonight.

Nonsense.

I've worked so hard
at improving myself

even your father can't
object to you going out with me.

Can you,
mr. Maitland?

Would you mind, dad?

Leah, you know

i've never tried
to tell you what to do.

I won't stay out late.

And i would like to hear
about everything

that's been
happening to you.

Just give me a couple
of minutes to change.

See?

Now tell me

you feel nothing
but a blank.

That, uh...

that never was the problem.

Well, then, what
was the problem?

You broke off with me
because i was wrong.

What guy is right
for you, leah?

Tell me what kind of
guy is right for you

and i'll be that guy.

It doesn't work that way.

Well, i've got a christmas
morning surprise for you, baby.

It works that way with me.

I can be
anything i want.

I can buy
anything i want.

I wish i could
explain it to you.

It's not something
that you can buy.

You name it.

It's the kind
of person you are.

The things you care about,
the people you care about.

I'm not criticizing you.

It's just the way
you are.

What way, hmm?

You don't care about me.

Not really.

You don't care about anybody.

Are you gentle?

Are you kind?

The man i marry

is going to have
to have compassion

because otherwise,
i won't be able to love him.

You mean like
your stupid old man

who rushes up eager
to get pushed around?

Yes. I think my father's
a compassionate man.

He cares about people
just because they're people!

That's the kind of man
i'm talking about.

I'm tired, sal.

I'm going home.

Come here.

Don't you understand?

It's not something
that you can buy.

Go on, get out.

Get out of here.

Hello, dad.

Hello.

Oh, mr. Maitland.

You shouldn't have
waited up for us.

Here she is,
safe and sounder

than she was
before she left.

I'm sorry, dad.

It's all right.

It's nice to know

that somebody
worries about me though.

Don't flatter yourself
so much, my dear.

I really wanted
to talk to sal.

All right.

If, uh, you two
will excuse me,

i've really got
a very busy day tomorrow.

Good-bye, sal.

So long.

Good night, dad.

Good night, dear.

I'm glad you came in.

Oh, well, you're going
to be even gladder.

I've thought
a lot about it,

and though i realize that
you are what you are

and it's not my place
to judge you...

oh, look, i don't care

please, please.
What you think of me...

i cannot let you ruin
her life by marrying her.

I came here
strictly on business.

You've got something
i want to buy

and i'm prepared to offer you
$100,000 for it.

Now let that sum

stir around in your head
for a minute-

$100,000.

Now that's enough
to take care of you

and to provide for leah.

What do i have that's
worth that kind of money?

Well...

it's a little hard to explain.

I love you very much.

Hello, mr. Maitland.

I was just telling leah

that i was hoping
you'd be home.

L- i wanted to talk to you.

Can i come in?

Yes.

Honey, would you
leave us alone

for a few minutes?

It won't take long.

I love you.

I've got something
i want to say to you.

I'm sorry for all the worry
and grief i've caused you.

You see,
you were right about me.

I wanted to marry leah
to prove something...

i, i...

you see,
she was a prize, a symbol.

But all that's changed.

And i know now

that i'm very much
in love with her.

And i'll make her
a good husband,

i promise you that.

I warned you
i wouldn't let it happen.

You don't understand.

It's all changed.

I'm asking you
for forgiveness...

for compassion.

Compassion?

Don't you remember?

I sold it to you yesterday.

The salvadore ross program
for self-improvement.

The all-in-one,
surefire success course

that lets you lick the bully

learn the language,
dance the tango

and anything else
you want to do-

or think you want to do.

Money-back guarantee.

Offer limited to...
the twilight zone.

And now, mr. Serling.

On our next outing,
charles beaumont comes through

with another delightful
flight of futuristic fantasy

about a society of another time
in which you literally

can't tell the players
without a scorecard-

they all appear
in an identical mold.

Collin wilcox, richard long,

and special guest star
suzy parker

appear in a program called

"number twelve
looks just like you."

I hope you're around
to catch the similarity.