The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Bard - full transcript

YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.

BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...

A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,

A DIMENSION OF MIND.

YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,

OF THINGS AND IDEAS.

YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Man: NOW, HERE IS
THIS PRIZEFIGHTER

WHO MADE THIS VOW TO THIS GIRL.

NOW GET THIS,
MR. HUGO, GET THIS,

IF THIS ONE AIN'T SUREFIRE,
I'LL CUT OFF BOTH MY HANDS.



I'LL ABSOLUTELY CUT
OFF BOTH MY HANDS.

YOU READY? ARE YOU READY?

"CHAMPEEN OF THE WORLD,"
KIRK DOUGLAS, MAYBE.

BURT LANCASTER.

YOU WANT TO MAKE HIM YOUNGER?

TONY CURTIS.

I GIVE YOU TONY CURTIS.

I APPRECIATE IT.

SO NOW HE'S
CHAMPION OF THE WORLD

BUT HE'S MADE A PROMISE TO
THIS GIRL NEVER TO FIGHT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A VOW.

VOW, MR. HUGO.
IT'S LIKE A PROMISE.

I MEAN, LIKE SOLEMN.

AND NOW, MR. HUGO,
COMES THE MEAT.



THIS IS WHAT GRABS
YOU RIGHT HERE.

HE'S GOT TO FIGHT, BUT
HE PROMISED HIS GIRL.

AND WHEN HE TELLS
HER, SHE'S AGHAST.

THIS BROAD IS PALPITATING.

SHE CALLS THE CHAMPEEN
A FILTHY, ROTTEN, DIRTY...

SHE'S ADAMANT, IS
THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?

OH, IS THIS GIRL ADAMANT.

SHE'S ADAMANT LIKE
NOBODY EVER WAS ADAMANT.

Woman: MR. HUGO?

YOU'RE WANTED ON LINE ONE.

BLESS YOU.

EXCUSE ME, JULIUS.

SEE, THE BEAUTY OF THIS STORY

IS YOU CAN COUCH
IT IN SO MANY TERMS.

MAYBE HE AIN'T A PRIZEFIGHTER.

MAYBE HE'S A COWBOY, A TOP GUN,

AND HE PROMISED HIS GIRL
NEVER TO CARRY A GUN AGAIN.

MAYBE IT'S THE
GIRL'S KID BROTHER

WHO HAS THIS INCURABLE DISEASE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THAT DON'T GRIP?

WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND CROSS THE STREET
AGAINST A RED LIGHT?

Hugo: BYE.

SAY, HOW ABOUT IF IT WAS
A SCIENCE FICTION PIECE?

THIS ROCKET MAN MAKES
A PROMISE TO HIS GIRL

NEVER TO GO UP IN
A SPACESHIP AGAIN.

YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING.

I'LL GIVE YOU THIS.

I'VE BEEN AN AGENT FOR 23
YEARS AND I HAVE NEVER HEARD

OF SO MANY VARIATIONS
OF THE SAME STORY.

WOULD YOU MIND GOING HOME?

I'VE GOT A BIG DEAL COOKING,
IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.

A BIG DEAL!

YOU, YOU, YOU MEAN
ACTUALLY LIKE A BIG DEAL?

OH, YOU DOLL BABY.

YOU ABSOLUTE DOLL BABY.

YOU WERE SAVING IT

FOR A SURPRISE, WEREN'T YOU?

THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE
DOING, SAVING IT FOR A SURPRISE.

BET YOU MADE A
SALE, RIGHT, MR. HUGO?

YOU MADE A SALE.

AH, THE ZOMBIE STORY!

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT.

THE MINUTE I WROTE IT,
I KNEW IT WAS SUREFIRE.

ABSOLUTE SUREFIRE.

IT'S A FANTASTIC YARN, HONEY.

IT'S ABOUT THIS DAME
WHO MARRIES A GUY

WHO WALKS ON HIS
HEELS ALL THE TIME.

SHE THINKS HE'S PUNCHY,
BUT IT TURNS OUT HE'S DEAD.

ALL THE TIME THEY'RE MARRIED,
SHE DON'T KNOW HE'S DEAD.

JULIUS, LET ME PUT
IT TO YOU THIS WAY:

THE ZOMBIE STORY DIDN'T SELL.

THE LOVE STORY

WHERE THE LADY SCIENTIST
FALLS IN LOVE WITH A ROBOT?

THAT DIDN'T SELL.

YOUR WESTERN WHERE THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNION PACIFIC RAILROAD

TURNS OUT TO BE BELLE STARR?

THAT DIDN'T SELL.

YOUR IDEA OF CHANGING
THE MILLIONAIRE

INTO THE MULTIMILLIONAIRE

AND MAKING AN HOUR SHOW OF IT?

THIS THEY LAUGHED ME
RIGHT OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH.

SO I HAVE TO PUT IT UP TO YOU.

I REALLY SIMPLY HAVE
TO PUT IT UP TO YOU.

WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU PERSIST?

CAN YOU ANSWER ME?

WHY DO YOU PERSIST?

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO
DOING WHAT YOU DID BEFORE?

A STREETCAR CONDUCTOR?

MR. HUGO, IT'S LIKE PROGRESS.

THERE AIN'T NO MORE STREETCARS.

BESIDES, I GET TRAVEL SICKNESS.

LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY:

NUMBER ONE, YOU WILL
NEVER MAKE A WRITER.

NUMBER TWO, YOU'LL
STARVE TO DEATH IF YOU TRY.

AND NUMBER THREE,
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME,

MY TIME, PRODUCERS'
TIME, EVERYBODY'S TIME.

PHONE JERRY BAUSCHER
AT PARAMOUNT.

SEE WHEN HE'S THROUGH THERE.

TELL HIM I'VE GOT A
TELEVISION SERIES.

BUT THAT'S MY MEAT,
A TELEVISION SERIES.

MR. HUGO, DON'T YOU GET IT?

IT'S LIKE A BOLT FROM HEAVEN.

I GOT SO MANY
TELEVISION SERIES IDEAS

I DON'T SLEEP NIGHTS.

I GOT TELEVISION SERIES IDEAS

WHAT NOBODY NEVER THOUGHT OF.

BOY MEETS GIRL.

EVERY WEEK, A
DIFFERENT BOY AND GIRL.

JULIUS... HOW ABOUT A QUIZ SHOW?

"PICK YOUR OWN EMBALMER."

WE MAKE A DEAL WITH THE
CONTESTANT THAT WHEN HE KICKS OFF...

JULIUS, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO,

WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY
TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE?

GIVE ME A CHANCE.

GIVE ME FIRST DIBS AT THIS, UH,

THIS-THIS TELEVISION SERIES
THING OR WHATEVER IT IS.

LET ME DO THE PILOT, PLEASE.

JULIUS, MY BOY, SIT DOWN.

JULIUS, I'M NOT A HARD MAN.

I'M NOT A MEAN MAN.

BUT THE TELEVISION INDUSTRY IS
LOOKING FOR TALENT, FOR QUALITY.

THEY'RE PREOCCUPIED
WITH TALENT AND QUALITY.

AND THE WRITER IS
A MAJOR COMMODITY.

LET ME GIVE IT A TRY.

LET ME GIVE IT A WHIRL.

I MEAN, LET ME WALK
IT AROUND THE BLOCK

A COUPLE OF TIMES.

WHAT ABOUT THIS SERIES?

MAYBE IT'S RIGHT UP MY ALLEY.

MAYBE IT AND ME CAN GO TOGETHER.

WELL, THAT'S THE POINT.

YOU SEE, THIS PARTICULAR
SERIES AND YOU GO TOGETHER

LIKE THE BLACK AND TAN AT AN
IRISH REPUBLICAN ARMY PICNIC.

THE SERIES HAPPENS TO
BE ABOUT BLACK MAGIC,

CONJURING, THAT KIND OF THING.

NOW... WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT BLACK MAGIC?

OH, HO... OH, HO,
HO, HO, HO, HO.

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT IT?

WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT
BLACK MAGIC AND CONJURING?

OH, COME ON.

I COULD RESEARCH IT.

JULIUS, WOULD YOU LEAVE ME NOW?

PLEASE.

WILL YOU LET ME GET
BACK TO MY WORK?

OH, LET ME HAVE A TRY
AT THIS SERIES, PLEASE.

WHY CAN'T I RESEARCH IT?

LOOK, MR. HUGO, MR. HUGO,
MY CAREER IS ON THE LINE.

GIVE ME TILL NEXT WEDNESDAY.

MAKE IT TUESDAY?

LOOK, LOOK, IN A PINCH,

I'LL HAVE SOMETHING
FOR YOU BY MONDAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, JULIUS.

LATCH ON TO A COUPLE OF
BOOKS, KNOCK OUT A ROUGH DRAFT,

AND LET ME HAVE
IT BY 4:00 MONDAY.

I'LL SUBMIT IT FOR YOU.

WHY, I'LL NEVER KNOW,
BUT I'LL SUBMIT IT FOR YOU.

OH, MR. HUGO, YOU
WON'T LIVE TO REGRET IT.

AND I MEAN IT FROM THE
COCKLES OF MY HEART.

YOU'RE PROBABLY
DEAD RIGHT, JULIUS.

AND I MEAN IT FROM THE
COCKLES OF MY HEART.

OH... THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YOU'VE JUST WITNESSED
OPPORTUNITY,

IF NOT KNOCKING, AT LEAST
SCRATCHING PLAINTIVELY

ON A CLOSED DOOR.

MR. JULIUS MOOMER,
A WOULD-BE WRITER,

WHO, IF TALENT CAME
25 CENTS A POUND,

WOULD BE WORTH
LESS THAN CARFARE.

BUT IN A MOMENT, MR. MOOMER,

THROUGH THE OFFICES
OF SOME BLACK MAGIC,

IS ABOUT TO EMBARK
ON A BRAND-NEW CAREER.

AND ALTHOUGH HE MAY
NEVER GET A WRITING CREDIT

ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE,

HE'S TO BECOME AN
INTEGRAL CHARACTER IN IT.

Announcer: a slider that
broke outside, one and one.

Now Tom Hallek jogs out to
the mound to talk to Sanford.

That might've been
a missed signal there.

Hallek seemed to be
looking for the fastball.

The one and one pitch.

Ciccone swings and lifts
an easy fly ball to center field.

Willie Mays in and
makes the basket catch.

That brings up Gil Hodges,
one down, bottom of the sixth.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT HIM?

WHO?

GIL HODGES.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW
ANYBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

COULD GET RID OF GIL HODGES?

WELL, I, I SUPPOSE...

SUPPOSE THAT'S ALL
IN THE POINT OF VIEW.

PRECISELY.

ABSOLUTELY.

YOU'VE GOT A GOOD
MIND, YOUNG MAN.

EXTREMELY GOOD MIND.

TH-THANK YOU.

IT'S THE TOP OF THE SIXTH,

THE GIANTS ARE LEADING
THE METS, SIX TO TWO.

EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.

HE'S OUT.

WHO?

GIL HODGES.

NOW, UH, WHAT
WILL IT BE FOR YOU?

WELL, UM... UM... I'D
LIKE TO SEE A KEAT.

THAT'S A MAN'S
NAME, NOT A THING.

AND IT'S NOT A VERY
UNCOMMON NAME AT THAT, KEATS.

THERE WAS A THIRD BASEMAN,
CAME UP FROM NEWARK

PLAYED FOR THE YANKEES ONE YEAR.

THEY USED TO CALL
HIM BEANBALL KEATS.

HELD THE AMERICAN LEAGUE
RECORD TWO SEASONS IN A ROW

FOR GETTING BEANED
THE MOST TIMES.

OLD BEANBALL KEATS.

WELL, YOU LEARN SOMETHING
NEW EVERY DAY, DON'T YOU?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A
PITCHER NAMED SLATTERY?

STRING BEAN SLATTERY?

WELL, I, UH... THERE
WAS A BEANBALL ARTIST.

UM, HE COULD HIT A BATTER
WHEN HE WAS STILL IN THE DUGOUT.

AS A MATTER OF
FACT, HE DID ONE DAY.

HIT A THIRD BASE COACH.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

WELL, I, I DON'T THINK

IT MAKES TOO MUCH DIFFERENCE.

YOU SEE, WHAT I CAME
IN TO ASK ABOUT, UH...

WELL, I WANTED TO KNOW IF, UH...

WELL, WHAT I HAVE
ON MY MIND IS, UH...

WHAT DO YOU GOT ON BLACK MAGIC?

BLACK MAGIC?

I'M JULIUS MOOMER
FROM TELEVISION.

NOW, WHAT IS IT YOU WANTED?

BLACK MAGIC.

BOOKS ON BLACK MAGIC.

OH, I'M AFRAID NOT.

I'M AFRAID THAT ONE ELUDES ME.

YE BOOK OF YE BLACK ART.

HEY, LADY, DO THAT TRICK AGAIN.

THIS BOOK AND I HAVE
NEVER BEEN INTRODUCED.

WE'RE TOTAL STRANGERS.

HERE, YOU WANT BLACK MAGIC?

YOU GOT BLACK MAGIC.

IT'S BEEN A REAL
PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

A REAL PLEASURE.

YOU DIDN'T PLAY THIRD BASE

FOR THE ELMIRA
PIONEERS, DID YOU?

HOW MUCH DO I OWE
YOU FOR THE BOOK?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING,
ACCEPT IT AS A GIFT.

YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BALL
PLAYER AND A CREDIT TO THE SPORT.

IT'S BEEN WONDERFUL
HAVING THIS CHAT.

VA-VA-VOOM.

ZA-ZA-ZOOM.

VA-VA-VOOM.

IPSY-DIPSY.

VA-VA-VOOM.

Driver: ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.

THIS IS PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION,

AND THERE'S RULES
ABOUT BUGGING THE DRIVER.

WHO, ME?

YOU! OUT!

ARA-GATUM... BASILITANT-EE...

ROGA-BOTTOM-UM...

NORDOFF.

HEY, JULIUS, WHAT'S THE BIT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

AH, WHATEVER I WAS DOING,

I WASN'T DOING IT RIGHT.

BLACK MAGIC, BLACK SCHMAGIC.

THERE'S MORE HERE
THAN MEETS THE EYEBALLS.

I DONE EVERYTHING
IT SAYS AND NOTHING.

YE BOOK OF YE BLACK ART.

"BEING A STEP-BY-STEP
EDUCATION IN CONJURING."

SO TELL ME, FAUST, TO WHAT END?

CORA, I AM STANDING
ON THE THRESHOLD.

I-I MEAN, I'M HOVERING.

ONE OF THESE DAYS

THERE'S GOING TO BE A BIG
LIMOUSINE PARKED DOWN BELOW

WITH TWO LIZARDY
COACHMEN... LIVERIED.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

IN UNIFORM.

AND THEY'RE GONNA
RAP ON YOUR DOOR

AND INVITE YOU AND YOUR
OLD LADY DOWNSTAIRS

FOR A NIGHT ON THE
TOWN WITH THEIR BOSS

THAT EMINENT,
WELL-KNOWN, HIGHLY POPULAR

BELOVED WURLITZER
PRIZE-WINNER... PULITZER.

THAT'S THE GUY.

AND WHO YOU GOING TO
FIND ON THE BACK SEAT

SMOKING A BUCK CIGAR? HMM?

MODESTY PROHIBITS.

JUST AS A POINT
OF INTEREST, JULIUS,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T YOU DIG?

I'M CONJURING,
BABY, I'M CONJURING.

CONJURING WHO?

WHO KNOWS? I JUST
READ THIS HERE BOOK

AND I GOT ME ALL THE INGREDIENTS

OR MOST OF THEM, ANYWAY.

MAN.

"FOUR TUFTS OF
FEATHERS FROM A FALCON"...

I GOT 'EM FROM A PIGEON.

UH... "SAND FROM EGYPT"...

I STILL HAD SOME IN MY
SNEAKERS FROM JONES BEACH.

"THREE LEGS OF A SPIDER"...

I FOUND ME AN ANT.

WELL, ANYWAY, THAT
WITH A FEW IMPROVISATIONS

I GOT ME A SPELL WORKING HERE.

WHEN MY MOTHER FINDS
OUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

YOU BETTER CONJURE UP
THE ARMY AND THE NAVY.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED THEM.

ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU
WERE A DIRTY ROTTEN KID?

WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A COLD SHOWER?

GO AHEAD, GET OUT OF HERE.

I'LL TURN YOU INTO A FROG!

OH, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN

BUT IT BETTER HAPPEN SOON.

ZA-ZA-ZOOM.

ALA-KAZAM.

VA-VA-VOOM!

AH, WHAT'S THE USE?

OH.

OH, MAN.

WHAT DO THEY THINK I
AM, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE?

NOW, LOOK, PAL.

I, UH, I DON'T WANT YOU

TO TAKE THIS PERSONAL, BUT, UH,

LIKE A GUY SHOULD MAYBE KNOCK

WHEN HE COMES INTO A ROOM, HUH?

I MEAN, UH, SOME PEOPLE
AIN'T AS WITH-IT AS ME.

THEY TAKE ONE LOOK AT YOU AND
THEY GET A BLAST OF A CORONARY.

THEY GET ALL SHOOK UP.

NOW, ME, I CAN
HANDLE THESE THINGS.

I MEAN, I'M WITH IT.

GIVE ME A STICK,
I'LL BEAT IT TO DEATH.

I AWAIT YOUR PLEASURE.

LOOK, LOOK, WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME ALREADY?

PRITHEE, GOOD SIR, ASK
NOT WHAT I WANT OF THEE

BUT WHAT DOES THOU ASK
OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

WOULD YOU TRY THAT ONE AGAIN?

IT APPEARS I MUST SPEAK

IN THE PARLANCE OF
THE TIME... YOUR TIME.

I SIMPLY SAID, GOOD SIR, IT
WAS YOU WHO CONJURED UP ME,

AND I'M AT YOUR SERVICE.

WHAT WOULD YOU ASK OF ME?

LOOK... LEVEL WITH
ME, POPS, WILL YOU?

YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT
YOU'RE THE SHAKESPEARE?

MAN, YOU'VE BEEN
DEAD A THOUSAND YEARS.

IT IS TRUE, OF COURSE.

BUT DEATH IS RELATIVE
AND NEED NOT BE THE END.

YOU REQUIRED A SERVICE OF ME.

HENCE, I AM AT YOUR DISPOSAL.

"HE SPEAKS, YET
HE SAYS NOTHING."

ROMEO AND JULIET,
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO.

QUAINT.

DECIDEDLY QUAINT.

A WRITING MACHINE, PERCHANCE?

I PRESUME THAT IS THE MISSION.

YOU WOULD ASK ME TO COMPOSE
A SONNET, PERCHANCE, OR A PLAY?

YOU HAVE BUT TO ASK, MISTER...

MOOMER, IS IT?

YOU... YOU MEAN...

YOU MEAN YOU COULD KNOCK
ME OUT A COUPLE OF PIECES?

GOOD SIR, YOU HAVE BUT TO ASK.

WHAT NATURE OF AUTHORSHIP
WOULD YOU REQUIRE?

WELL, UM... HOW ABOUT IF, UH...

HOW ABOUT IF...

I'M GOING TO WASTE
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

ON A LOUSY HALF-HOUR PILOT?

I GOT ME AN IDEA, WILL.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I
CALL YOU WILL, DO YOU?

"WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"THAT WHICH WE CALL A
ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

WOULD SMELL AS SWEET."

OH, MAN, WHAT LANGUAGE.

DON'T LET NOBODY
KNOCK YOUR STUFF, WILL.

MAN, YOU GOT POTENTIAL.

YOU ARE LOADED WITH POTENTIAL.

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

YOU AND ME ARE
GOING TO COLLABORATE.

WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU
DO THE ROUGH DRAFT

AND I'LL DO THE POLISHING.

NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL GO SLOW AT FIRST, JUST
TILL YOU GET THE FEEL OF IT,

AND THEN, WE'LL DO AN HOUR FILM.

SOMETHING WITH,
UM, STAR ATTRACTION.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
UH... INGRID BERGMAN.

INGRID BERGMAN?

YOU NEVER HEARD
OF INGRID BERGMAN?

WHERE YOU BEEN, PAL?

NEVER MIND, DON'T TELL ME.

"A COMELY WOMAN, I TAKE
IT, ONE FAIRER THAN MY LOVE.

"THE ALL-SEEING SUN
NE'ER SAW HER MATCH

SINCE FIRST THE WORLD BEGUN."

SOLID, WILL, NOW
THAT'S THE KIND OF STUFF

THAT'S GOING TO WIN BALL GAMES.

YOU JUST START WRITING,

ANYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND.

UH, MAYBE A TWIST ON
THE ROMEO-JULIET THING.

OH, SWEAR NOT BY THE
MOON, THAT CRAZY MOON.

GO AHEAD, BUBBEE, WRITE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

MIND? WILL, BABY, I DON'T CARE
IF YOU WRITE WITH YOUR FEET.

HERE, HERE, I'LL MOVE
THE TYPEWRITER FOR YOU.

GIVE YOU SOME INK.

THERE WE ARE.

GO AHEAD, WILL, YOU CREATE.

I'LL GO MAKE SOME COFFEE.

GILBERT AND SULLIVAN.

LERNER AND LOEWE.

RIMSKY AND KORSAKOV.

MOOMER AND SHAKESPEARE.

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?

I JUST ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, A RADAR SET?

I PRESUME THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT YOUR SCRIPT.

WELL, THAT'S THE POINT, HONEY,
WHAT'S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?

THAT STUFF IS POETRY,
IT'S, WELL, UH, IT'S...

IT'S SHAKESPEAREAN!

GOOD AFTERNOON.

IS MR. BRAMHOFF IN
THERE WITH MR. HUGO?

WE'RE FROM THE NETWORK.

OH, THEY'RE EXPECTING
YOU, SIR, GO RIGHT IN.

YES?

SOMETHING?

YOU GOT A LIGHT?

NO, I DON'T GOT A LIGHT.

LOOK, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW

WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.

BRAMHOFF, THE BIG-SHOT PRODUCER?

TWO GUYS FROM THE NETWORK?

OH, MAN, I KNEW IT WAS GOOD,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS THAT GOOD.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING
I KNOCKED OFF

IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

IT'S A SHOO-IN FOR THE EMMY,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT
WAS THAT IMPORTANT.

THAT'S ME, HONEY, I JUST
DON'T KNOW MY OWN WORTH.

MONDAY, I KNOCK MYSELF,
TUESDAY, I KNOCK MYSELF,

WEDNESDAY, I KNOCK MYSELF...

HAVE YOU GOT ANY OUTSIDE
OPENINGS FOR THURSDAY?

I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPLICATION.

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S OUR FEELING
TOO, MR. BRAMHOFF.

SPONSOR-WISE, THE THING
REQUIRES SOME NOODLING.

THAT IS TO SAY, WE CAN'T
ABRUPTLY AND PERFUNCTORILY

JUMP OFF THE
BRIDGE WITH THIS ONE.

I MEAN, LET'S BE CEREBRAL, BOYS.

WELL, I'LL SAY THIS FOR IT.

IT'S A BEAUTIFULLY
WRITTEN THING.

IT'S SO ARCHAIC.

I MEAN, LANGUAGE-WISE.

MAY I?

"AS FRESH AS A BRIDEGROOM,
AND HIS CHIN, NEW-REAPED

"SHOWED LIKE A STUBBLE
LAND AT HARVEST HOME.

"HE WAS PERFUMED LIKE A MILLINER

"AND 'TWIXT HIS
FINGER AND HIS THUMB

"HE HELD A POUNCET BOX

AND EVER ANON,
GAVE IT TO HIS NOSE."

AND, UH, "TOOK'T AWAY AGAIN."

WELL, YOU'VE GOT SAY
THIS FOR IT: IT HAS IMAGERY.

IMAGERY IT HAS.

MAY I?

OH, PLEASE.

"AND IF THE BOY HAVE
NOT A WOMAN'S GIFT

"TO RAIN A SHOWER
OF COMMANDED TEARS

AN ONION WILL DO
WELL FOR SUCH A SHIFT."

ONION?

SPONSOR CONFLICT.

CONCUR.

COULD WE MAKE IT A... TURNIP?

SOLID THINKING.

TURNIP.

VERY SOCIABLE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT TURNIPS.

YOU SAY TURNIP TO
THE LADY IN DUBUQUE

SHE'S WITH YOU.

I LIKE IT.

WE COULD CALL THE WRITER IN NOW.

A TREMENDOUS TALENT.

A PRODIGY OF MINE.

WHAT ARE HIS CREDITS?

HE WAS A STREETCAR CONDUCTOR.

BUT A TREMENDOUS OBSERVER

OF THE PASSING SCENE.

AN INCREDIBLE JUDGE
OF HUMAN BEINGS.

YOU CAN SEE THAT IN EVERY LINE.

A MODERN-DAY CHRONICLER
OF HUMAN FOIBLES.

SOLID.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

SEND IN MR. MOO...

HOW ARE YOU, MR. HUGO?

WONDERFUL. HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK FINE. IT'S
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU, GENTLEMEN?

HUH? HUH?

LIKE LITERATURE, HUH?

IT SHOWS SOME PROMISE.

MR. DOLAN HERE REPRESENTS

THE SPONSOR OF
SHANNON SPECTACULARS.

THE SHANNON FOOD CORPORATION.

YOU'VE NO DOUBT
EATEN THEIR PRODUCTS.

ENDLESSLY.

HE'S A SHANNON
BOOSTER FROM WAY BACK.

MAN, LIKE THAT'S THE TRUTH.

THAT SHANNON ONION
SOUP... THIS I DIG.

WE DON'T MAKE ONION SOUP.

THAT'S FRENCH IN ORIGIN.

WE'RE AN AMERICAN FIRM.

RED, WHITE AND BLUE
RIGHT DOWN THE LINE.

MAN, I AM GLAD YOU SAID THAT.

I ALWAYS SAY, IF IT'S GOOD
ENOUGH FOR THE LADY IN DUBUQUE

IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JULIUS.

WELL, LET'S GET DOWN
TO SOME BUSINESS HERE.

THE TRAGIC CYCLE.

WRITTEN BY... JULIUS MOOMER.

YOURS TRULY.

READ FOR YOU NOW
BY... YOURS TRULY.

"ACT ONE, SCENE ONE.

THE CAMERA FADES ON
WITH A SHOT OF A GARDEN."

Announcer: TWILIGHT ZONE WILL
CONTINUE AFTER STATION IDENTIFICATION.

Well, the whole
thing about writing,

the whole bit is
simply that you, uh,

shouldn't get discouraged.

You gotta stay in there
and keep punching.

All the time punching.

As Keats once said
to the Paris edition

of the New York Herald
Tribune, Keats said,

"Keep punching."

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Celebrity Interviews.

Our guest tonight,
Mr. Julius Moomer,

that rising young
television author

whose drama production
The Tragic Cycle

will be seen next week on the
Shannon Classic Playhouse.

Now, a viewing reminder.

Each week on
Celebrity Interviews

we bring you the
personalities of show business

who make the
headlines and the stories.

Playwrights,
actors, actresses...

All the living legends of
show business as it is today.

HOW ABOUT THAT, WILL?

VERILY, A MOST
IMPRESSIVE PERFORMANCE.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

This last question,
now, Mr. Moomer.

I'm told that
you've been writing

for some period of time.

As a matter of fact,

I think it was your
agent, Mr. Hugo,

who showed me some
of your earlier material.

You've come a long
way, Mr. Moomer.

Well... it's like progress.

For example, one of the things
I looked at was a zombie story.

Now, how about that?

That grabbed, didn't it?

Of course, it was
a bit controversial,

and that's why it
didn't get on the air,

but I always did try to
tackle controversial stuff.

I mean, ugly butchers
and dog dames,

that's all right for Chayefsky,
but Moomer aspires.

What I mean is, Moomer
always thought tall.

There was another story
you wrote, Mr. Moomer.

I seem to recollect

that it was a suggested series.

A kind of situation comedy

involving a multimillionaire.

Just Plain J.P.

The whole thing there was

we're always seeing stuff

about typical husbands
and wives and kids.

Well, why not give a
nod to the-the big shots?

I mean, what they call the
"rubber barons," like that?

I mean, just because
you're heeled

that don't make you unhuman.

Hmm... I may try to
reconstitute that one.

Just Plain J.P...

The story that asks the question

"Can a man who
makes $9 million a year

find happiness in
a small mansion?"

But you got to
remember one thing.

In order to be a
writer, you got to suffer.

I mean, I still
remember those...

those cold nights
in that dark attic

with hardly enough
strength to push a key.

And all the time, a small
voice inside me kept saying,

"Go, Julius, go."

So I went.

Inspiring, Mr. Moomer,
truly inspiring.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've been listening
to Mr. Julius Moomer.

THAT KIND OF GOT ME.

LIKE HERE.

I, TOO, FELT A TWINGE OF A SORT.

I BELIEVE I FINISHED THIS
LAST SEQUENCE, MR. MOOMER.

OH, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

AH, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

OH, WILL, BUBBEE,

YOU GOT SUCH A THING WITH WORDS.

IT COMES FROM WORKING
IN AN ATTIC, MR. MOOMER.

A LITTLE VOICE DEEP
INSIDE PRODS ME

AND KEEPS SAYING,
"GO, WILLIAM, GO."

HMM? OH?

OH, GREAT, GREAT, ONLY GREAT.

THE SHANNON FOOD
CORPORATION PRESENTS...

THE TRAGIC CYCLE,
WRITTEN BY JULIUS MOOMER.

FROM AN ORIGINAL
STORY BY JULIUS MOOMER

WITH ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE
BY... JULIUS MOOMER.

MAN.

IT'S A GOOD THING
I'M MODEST, WILL.

YOU KNOW, A THING LIKE THIS
COULD GO TO A GUY'S HEAD.

THEY'RE ALREADY TALKING
TO ME ABOUT 2½-HOUR SPECS,

MOVIE CONTRACTS, MAYBE
A BROADWAY MUSICAL.

♪ A SCUB-A-DUB-A DOO ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ PUT ME ON THE
STAGE, I'LL BE A RAGE ♪

♪ SCUB-A-DUB-A DOO,
A SCUB-A-DUB-A DOO ♪

♪ JULIUS MOOMER
WILL PLAY FOR YOU ♪

♪ RACKY SACK, I'M FLUSH. ♪

WHAT'S THE MATTER, WILL?
YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD.

"LIKE A STRUTTING PLAYER

WHOSE CONCEIT LIES
IN HIS HAMSTRING."

TROILUS AND CRESSIDA,
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE.

IN SHORT, MR. MOOMER,

YOU HAVE NOT BEEN PRONE TO
EXTEND CREDIT WHERE IT'S DUE.

AT NO TIME, FOR EXAMPLE,

HAVE I HEARD THE
NAME SHAKESPEARE,

OR, FOR THAT MATTER,

ANY SUGGESTION OF
COLLABORATION ON OUR PLAY.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

WILL, BABY, LOOK, WE GOT
TO PLAY THIS ONE BY EAR.

I MEAN, HOW'S IT GOING TO
LOOK IF I GO AND TELL THEM

THAT A GUY NAMED
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

HELPED ME TO WRITE THIS?

WHY, THEY'D STICK ME IN A
RUBBER ROOM IN A JACKET.

THAT AS IT MAY BE, THE
POINT IS, MR. MOOMER,

I FINISHED MY TASK.

I WILL NOW TAKE MY LEAVE.

TAKE YOUR LEAVE?!

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

WHY, THIS WHOLE
THING'S COMING UP VELVET!

WE'RE RIDING ON THE GRAVY TRAIN.

YOU WANT TO CREEP BACK INTO
SOME CRYPT AND GET FORGOTTEN?

LISTEN, MAN, YOU'RE
MAKING THE SCENE BIG NOW.

EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS TALKING

ABOUT HOW MY STUFF
SOUNDS LIKE SHAKESPEARE'S.

WILL, BUBBEE, I'M GONNA MAKE
YOU A HOUSEHOLD WORD AGAIN.

WITH ALL DUE MODESTY, SIR,

THE NAME OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
HAS SURVIVED THE TEST OF TIME

WITHOUT THE SUPPORT
OF JULIUS MOOMER.

YOU DON'T DIG.

FAME FLITS.

I MEAN, WHO REMEMBERS
YESTERDAY'S CHAMPEENS?

SURE, RUTH HIT 60 HOME RUNS,

BUT IT'S ROGER MARIS THEY'RE
ALWAYS ASKING FOR AUTOGRAPHS.

AND NIJINSKY WAS A
PRETTY GOOD DANCER.

BUT WHO REMEMBERS
HER LAST MOVIE?

AND WILL SHAKESPEARE
DID SOME WRITING

BUT OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.

SHAKESPEARE IS DEAD,
LONG LIVE MICKEY SPILLANE!

LOOK, LOOK, WILL, BABY,

WILL, BABY, COME HERE.

LOOK, YOU CAN'T
DESERT THE SHIP NOW.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE
PEOPLE GOING TO SAY?

THAT FINK SHAKESPEARE
GOT NO GRATITUDE.

WE CAN DO IT,
BABY, WE CAN DO IT.

LOOK, WE GOT A HUNDRED
PROJECTS WE CAN DO.

WE'LL GO TO
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

BABES OUT THERE ARE CRAZY
ABOUT GUYS WITH BEARDS.

I SHALL PONDER IT, MR. MOOMER.

UNTIL WHEN?

UNTIL THE MORROW.

SINCE YOU HAVE NOT SEEN FIT

TO INVITE ME TO THE
REHEARSALS OF OUR PLAY,

TOMORROW I SHALL
DO PRECISELY THAT.

I SHALL SURVEY THE
ACTORS PERFORMING,

AND IF JUSTICE IS DONE
TO WHAT I HAVE WROUGHT

PERHAPS I MAY REMAIN
FOR A TIME LONGER

AND WRITE OTHER THINGS.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING, WILL!

NOW YOU'RE TALKING!

I THINK I WILL TAKE A WALK NOW.

"I AM THAT MERRY
WANDERER OF THE NIGHT."

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S
DREAM, ACT TWO, SCENE ONE.

"TO BE, OR NOT TO BE,"

MR. MOOMER, "THAT..."

GO TO THE REHEARSAL?

HOW COULD HE GO
TO THE REHEARSAL?

WILL! WILL!

WILL, DON'T ROCK THE BOAT!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

CAST, WE CAN WALK THROUGH
THIS ONE WITH SCRIPTS,

BUT I'D COUNT IT
A PERSONAL FAVOR

IF WE COULD GET
THESE LINES LEARNED

BY THURSDAY AT THE LATEST.

I HATE TO THROW
COMPLICATED STAGE ACTION

AT YOU NOW AT THIS POINT,

BUT YOU'LL NOTE
THAT IN THIS ACT,

WE'VE GOT A REAL
PROBLEM OF MOVEMENT.

I WANT TO TAKE MOST OF
THIS STUFF IN CLOSE SHOTS

AND SOME VERY RAPID, SPORADIC
CUTTING BACK AND FORTH.

I THINK IT'LL HEIGHTEN
THE PIECE TREMENDOUSLY.

MR. SHANNON, WE FEEL
OURSELVES EXTREMELY FORTUNATE

TO SECURE THE SERVICES
OF ROCKY RHODES.

RHODES, SCHMODES.

I SELL SOUP.

I DON'T NOTHING ABOUT ACTORS.

WHICH ONE IS RHODES?

HE'S THE ATTRACTIVE
ONE IN THE SWEATSHIRT.

THAT'S AN ACTOR?

WELL, HE WAS BRILLIANT IN
STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE?

WHAT WAS HE, A CONDUCTOR?

Director: ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,
WE'LL PICK IT UP NOW.

SCENE TWO, ACT TWO.

UH, FELICIA...

NOW, REMEMBER,
FELICIA, AT THIS MOMENT

LIFE AND DEATH IS
WAITING FOR YOU

OUT IN THAT HALLWAY.

THIS IS UNEQUIVOCAL.

IT IS LIFE OR IT IS DEATH.

WHEN ROCKY COMES
THROUGH THAT DOOR...

UH... CHARLIE...

UH... QUESTION.

OKAY, QUESTION, ROCKY?

YEAH, I MEAN,

WHAT IS MY, UH, TERTIARY
MOTIVATION HERE?

I MEAN, LIKE, I WALK
THROUGH THE DOOR AND, UH...

I SEE HER.

WHY?

WHY WHAT, ROCKY?

WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

EXACTLY.

WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

I MEAN, ANY SLOB CAN
WALK THROUGH A DOOR.

LIKE, I DO IT EVERY DAY.

BUT, WELL, NOW

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T
WALK THROUGH THE DOOR

AT THAT MOMENT.

SO I GOT TO ASK MYSELF:

WOULD I WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR?

IT'S ON THE BASIS OF THAT
ANSWER THAT I FIND MY MOTIVATION.

SO THE QUESTION IS
WHAT'S MY MOTIVATION?

WELL, ROCKY, BABY,

WHY DON'T WE JUST RUN THROUGH IT

AND SEE HOW IT PLAYS,
SHALL WE DO THAT?

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, LET'S
TAKE OUR PLACES NOW.

SCENE TWO OF ACT TWO.

RIGHT FROM THE TOP.

MMM, MMM.

MM-MM.

MM-MM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.

IF JEREMY COMES HERE TONIGHT

I HAVE TO GO AWAY WITH HIM.

OH, COME, OLIVIA.

CAST OUT THOSE BENIGHTED COLORS

AND-AND GAZE AS A FRIEND
ON GREENWICH VILLAGE.

LET NOT FOREVER
WITH YOUR VEILED EYES

SEEK YOUR NOBLE
BOYFRIEND IN THE DUST.

IT IS COMMON, I KNOW.

BUT ALL THAT LIVE MUST DIE.

IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

QUITE EASY.

BUT OUTSIDE THERE,
OUTSIDE THIS ROOM,

OUTSIDE THIS BUILDING

IS THE HARBINGER OF
THE WORST OF FATES.

IS IT JEREMY?

OR IS IT HIS KILLER?

AM I TO BE A
CORRESPONDENT OF LOVE...

OR A RECIPIENT OF HATE?

THIS IS THE QUESTION.

WHO AWAITS ME OUT THERE?

I ASK YOU THAT.

WHO AWAITS ME?

I'M LOOKING FOR MR. MOOMER.

MOOMER?

JULIUS MOOMER.

OH, YEAH, THE WRITER.

HE'S SITTING OVER THERE
WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND YOUR ROLE?

MY ROLE IS, UH... JEREMY.

WHAT'S YOURS?

JEREMY.

BUT JEREMY IS A LAD OF
19, FRESH AS A BRIDEGROOM.

AND HIS CHIN, NEW-REAPED

SHOWED LIKE A STUBBLE
LAND AT HARVEST HOME.

YEAH, WELL, WE CHANGED ALL THAT.

I MEAN, A GUY THAT FEELS
LOVE AIN'T NO 19 YEARS OLD.

THE GUY WHO PLAYS JEREMY HAS
GOT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

A MATURE GUY, UH...
WHO KNOWS THE SCORE.

A GUY WITH SOME
'ZAZZ, WITH SOME MOXIE.

A GUY WHO UNDERSTANDS,
UH, TERTIARY MOTIVATION.

LET'S GO, TEAM, SHALL WE?

MAY WE CONTINUE, PLEASE?

GET READY FOR YOUR CUE, ROCKY?

RHODES IS MY NAME.

ROCKY RHODES.

YOU PROBABLY SAW ME
IN CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF.

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF?

AND WHAT, PERCHANCE,
WOULD THAT BE?

IT WOULD BE A PLAY, CHARLIE.

A REAL PLAY.

WHAT ARE YOU, A
TENNESSEE KNOCKER?

Director: ROCKY, LET'S GO!

IT'S GETTING SO THEY
LET ANY UNCULTURED

UNCOUTH HAM IN HERE.

Actress: GO AHEAD, SEYMOUR.

SPEAK THE SPEECH, I PRAY YOU

AS I PRONOUNCED IT TO YOU
TRIPPINGLY ON THE TONGUE.

Actor: SHALL I SAY IT
AGAIN, ESMERALDA?

HOW'S IT LOOK TO
YOU, MR. SHANNON?

ONLY GREAT, ISN'T IT?

THE PLAY?

WHO KNOWS ABOUT PLAYS?

WHAT ABOUT THE COMMERCIAL,
WHERE DOES THAT COME IN?

R-RIGHT AFTER THE OPENING
TEASER, MR. SHANNON.

ARE THEY LIGHTING THE SOUP?

THAT COMES IN THE FIRST
COMMERCIAL, MR. SHANNON.

I KNOW WHEN IT COMES IN.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE
THEY LIGHT THE LABEL!

WHEN THE SOUP IS SHANNON'S

I WANT 40 MILLION PEOPLE
SHOULD KNOW IT'S SHANNON'S.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

WHAT'S HE DRESSED UP FOR?

U-UH, THAT?

T-THAT'S MY TYPIST.

ONE OF YOUR STAFF,
MOOMER, IS HE?

WELL, ACTUALLY, HE'S A RELATIVE.

COUSIN ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE.

HE'S A LITTLE ECCENTRIC.

ECCENTRIC?

WELL, HE HAS, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, DELUSIONS.

ONE WEEK THEY COME,
ONE WEEK THEY GO.

WHAT ABOUT THIS WEEK?

UM, WELL, THIS WEEK, HE, UH...

HE THINKS HE'S
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

COME ON OVER, WILL,

I WANT YOU TO MEET THE BOYS.

BEEN TELLING THEM ALL ABOUT YOU.

MOST IMPRESSIVE.

WOULD THAT WE HAD

THIS KIND OF SPACE AT THE GLOBE.

THE GLOBE?

UH, UH, WHY DON'T YOU
SIT DOWN, WILL, HERE?

HAVE THIS SEAT HERE.

WE'RE, UH, JUST GOING
OVER THE SECOND ACT.

ACT TWO.

AH, YES, THE BALCONY SCENE.

A MOST DELIGHTFUL LOVE SEQUENCE.

LOVE SEQUENCE, AND
ON A BALCONY, YET.

I WAS GOING TO MENTION
THIS TO YOU, WILL,

BUT MR. SHANNON ASKED
US TO MAKE A LITTLE CHANGE

IN THE LOVE STORY PART.

OH?

YOU KNOW, THE BUSINESS
ON THE BALCONY?

A THING OF BEAUTY.

"OH, SPIRIT OF LOVE

HOW QUICK AND FRESH ART THOU."

A RED-BLOODED
AMERICAN BOY AND GIRL

GOING GIGGING
AROUND ON BALCONIES!

WHO OWNS BALCONIES THESE DAYS?

EXTREMELY VALID
POINT, MR. SHANNON.

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

YOU MEAN, NO BALCONY?

MM, UH, NO BALCONY.

YOU SEE, WILL, THIS
HERE IS TELEVISION,

AND YOU GOTTA GRAB THE AUDIENCE

RIGHT WHERE THEY LIVE,
AND YOU GOTTA DO IT QUICK.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE MAKING
THIS LITTLE ALTERATION

ON THE BALCONY THING.

SEE, INSTEAD OF THE BOY
CLIMBING UP THE SHRUBBERY

TO KISS THE GIRL,
HE, UH... UH, UH...

MEETS HERE IN A SUBWAY STATION.

A SUBWAY STATION?!

THAT'S A BIT. THAT'S A BIT.

SEE, SHE SPRAINS HER
ANKLE, AND THIS BOY HERE,

HE'S KIND OF A
DR. KILDARE, DR. CASEY TYPE,

AND HE OPERATES ON
HER ANKLE RIGHT THERE

BETWEEN THE BRIGHTON
EXPRESS AND THE BRONX LOCAL.

YOU, UH, YOU SEE, WILL,

DOCTOR STORIES ARE
VERY BIG THIS SEASON.

ALL RIGHT, CAST, WE'LL
TAKE A SHORT BREAK NOW.

I WANT YOU TO RUN OVER
THAT LAST SCENE FOR LINES.

MR. MOOMER, MR. MOOMER,

SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE.

TROUBLES, WILL?

TROUBLES?

IS THAT ESMERALDA?

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S THE CHICK.

WELL, IF WHAT YOU
TOLD ME IS THE CASE,

WHAT REASON FOR HER SUICIDE?

WHAT IS TO MOTIVATE
HER LONG SOLILOQUY

ABOUT LOVE'S LABOR LOST?

SUICIDE?

WHAT'S WITH THIS SUICIDE?

OH, NO SUICIDE, MR. SHANNON.

THAT'S DEFINITELY OUT.

I WAS GOING TO MENTION
THAT TO YOU, WILL.

YOU SEE, WE CAN'T
LIVE WITH THE SUICIDE.

SHE DON'T STICK
HERSELF WITH A SHIV.

INSTEAD SHE RUNS AWAY
WITH THIS BASS FIDDLER

FROM ARTIE SHAW'S GRAMERCY FIVE.

THAT WAS MY WIFE'S SUGGESTION.

AN INSPIRED ONE, AT THAT.

AND THE BROTHER AND FATHER
WHO BURST INTO THE SCENE?

MY WIFE DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF

THE FATHER AND
THE BROTHER, WILL,

SO THE WAY WE PLAY IT NOW

THE TWO GUYS COMING INTO
THE ROOM ARE POLICEMEN.

POLICEMEN?

COPS, COPS.

AND IN THE SCENE LATER ON,

WHERE THE MOTHER
DOES ALL THE TALKING

ABOUT THE BLOOD ON OUR HANDS,

WELL, SHE'S NOT THE
MOTHER NO MORE, EXACTLY.

SHE'S THE GARDENER'S WIFE

WHO DID TIME FOR EMBEZZLEMENT.

BUT SHE HAS THE MOST
DEFINITIVE LINE OF THE PLAY.

IN THE EPILOGUE

I TOOK IT FROM TWELFTH NIGHT:

"IF MUSIC" BE THE
FOOD OF LOVE, PLAY ON.

"GIVE ME EXCESS OF
IT, THAT SURFEITING

THE APPETITE MAY
SICKEN AND SO DIE."

OH, FINE, FINE, FINE.

APPETITE SICKENING.

THIS IS JUST FINE.

THE SHANNON FOOD COMPANY

IS PAYING THIS KIND OF MONEY

TO MAKE PEOPLE SICK?

UH, WILL, YOU'D
BETTER GET WITH IT.

YOU'RE TAKING THE BUTTER
RIGHT OFF THE TOAST, BABY.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

LET'S HEAR THE NARRATION
ALOUD PLEASE, FOR TIMING.

ON OCTOBER 30,
THE GARDENER'S WIFE

RETURNED TO THE CRIME SCENE.

THE POLICE HAD ALREADY ARRIVED,

AND, ONCE AGAIN, THE FEDERAL
BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION...

ENOUGH OF THAT IDIOCY...

THERE'S NO SOLILOQUY HERE!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHO IS THAT GUY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE AIN'T.

HE AIN'T NO STUDENT OF DRAMA.

HE RUNS AROUND ALL THE
TIME KNOCKING TENNESSEE.

NOW, JUST AS A POINT
OF INTEREST... GLEEP,

WHAT DO YOU GOT
AGAINST STANISLAVSKY?

WHAT HAVE I GOT AGAINST

THIS PERSONAGE STANISLAVSKY?

YOU.

"BLOW, BLOW, THOU WINTER WIND

THOU ARE NOT SO UNKIND
AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE."

THAT'S FROM AS YOU LIKE
IT, ACT TWO, SCENE SEVEN.

HEY, WILL. WILL, WILL.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WILL, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'LL LOUSE UP THE WHOLE DEAL!

WHAT AM I GOING TO
SAY TO THEM IN THERE?

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL THEM?

TELL THEM SIMPLY

THAT "FOOLERY, SIR,
DOES WALK ABOUT THE ORB

"LIKE THE SUN.

IT SHINES EVERYWHERE."

ACT THREE, SCENE
ONE, TWELFTH NIGHT.

AND YOU, JULIUS
MOOMER, FOOLISH MORTAL

WHO COULD HAVE COVERED
HIMSELF WITH A CLOAK OF IMMORTALITY.

TO YOU, JULIUS MOOMER
WHO HAS SUCCUMBED

TO THE RANKEST COMPOUND
OF VILLAINOUS SMELL

THAT EVER OFFENDED NOSTRIL...

TO YOU, JULIUS
MOOMER... LOTS OF LUCK.

HEY, JULIUS, FOR A
WHOLE WEEK NOW,

YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY TOLD YOU

TO GO OUT AND SCRUB A LIZARD.

HE FINKED OUT.

THE GUY FINKED OUT.

YOU WANT A COUPLE
WORDS OF ADVICE?

KNOCK OFF THE CONJURING.

GET YOURSELF A NICE CLEAN
SAFE JOB ON A STREETCAR.

"WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND

"TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND
ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE,

OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST
A SEA OF TROUBLES."

YEAH?

DID THAT GUY HAVE
TALENT OR DIDN'T HE?

MAN! I WAS ON MY WAY.

THEY ALREADY TALKED
ABOUT MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

A 2½-HOUR SPECTACULAR
ON AMERICAN HISTORY.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT AMERICAN HISTORY?

I KNOW THIS MUCH:

A WRITER NAMED JULIUS MOOMER
DIED OF MALNUTRITION IN 1963.

ZA-ZA-ZOOM.

ALA-KAZAM.

VA-VA-VOOM.

MA, HEY, MA!

HE'S DOING IT AGAIN!

WHO KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS?

BUT HE'S HONORABLE,
IF NOTHING ELSE.

THIS YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM.

THE WHAT?

THE AMERICAN HISTORY THING?

WELL, FRANKLY, MR. BRAMHOFF,

I HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO REACH HIM.

THE FACT IS THAT I HAVEN'T...

MR. HUGO, HE'S OUTSIDE.

WHO IS?

JULIUS.

HE'S GOT SOME PEOPLE WITH HIM.

MR. BRAMHOFF? HE'S HERE.

HE'S COME BACK TO US.

THE BOY IS COMING
BACK INTO OUR FOLD.

I TOLD YOU YOU COULD COUNT
ON MOOMER, I JUST KNEW IT.

YES, I'LL GET BACK, I'LL GET
BACK TO YOU, IN A MINUTE.

YES.

MR. HUGO!

JULIUS, MY BOY,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

THE WHOLE WEEK YOU
WOULDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

THE NETWORKS ARE
SCREAMING FOR YOU.

THE AGENCIES ARE
SCREAMING FOR YOU.

THE CLIENTS ARE
SCREAMING FOR YOU.

THEY WANT THAT
AMERICAN HISTORY THING.

I GOT IT.

A FANTASTIC NOTION.

AN ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC NOTION.

I'M RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF IT NOW.

ME AND MY STAFF HAVE
BEEN WORKING ON IT.

YOUR STAFF...

NOT THAT KOOK IN
THE KNEE BRITCHES?

AH, HE CUT OUT.
FORGET ABOUT HIM.

NOW THIS SHOW'S ABOUT
AMERICAN HISTORY, RIGHT?

RIGHT. AND YOU WANT IT
DOCUMENTED-LIKE, RIGHT?

DOCUMENTED, OF COURSE.

AND YOU WANT IT REAL AUTHENTIC.

AUTHENTIC ABOVE ALL, YES.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY STAFF.

SEND THOSE GENTLEMEN
IN, WOULD YOU.

GENERAL ROBERT E. LEE.

GENERAL ULYSSES S. GRANT.

GEORGE WASHINGTON.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

POCAHONTAS.

DANIEL BOONE.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.

MR. JULIUS MOOMER.

A STREETCAR CONDUCTOR
WITH DELUSIONS OF AUTHORSHIP.

AND IF THE TALE JUST
TOLD SEEMS A LITTLE TALL,

REMEMBER A THING
CALLED POETIC LICENSE

AND ANOTHER THING
CALLED THE TWILIGHT ZONE.