The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 4, Episode 14 - Of Late I Think of Cliffordville - full transcript
Aging tycoon William Feathersmith is bored with life and makes arrangements through a devilish travel agency to return to the Cliffordville of his youth and start all over again.
( eerie music)
YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
( typewriters clacking)
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH MR. FEATHERSMITH.
OH, YES, MR. DEIDRICH,
HE'S EXPECTING YOU, SIR.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
OH, WOW.
I COULD JUST SEE HIM NOW.
THAT BIG, HAPPY GRIN ON HIS FACE
JUST BEFORE HE DRAWS THE BLOOD.
"HAVE A CIGAR, MR. DEIDRICH,
BEFORE I RIP YOU TO PIECES.
"BUT I MUST HAVE
MY LITTLE FUN FIRST.
HAVE A CIGAR."
HAVE A CIGAR, MR. DEIDRICH.
THANK YOU, NO, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
YOU ASKED ME TO COME
HERE AT 2:00; IT IS NOW 2:00.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE ON YOUR MIND?
HMM, YOU NEVER HAVE
CARED FOR MY HABITS
HAVE YOU, MR. DEIDRICH?
WHETHER I DO OR DON'T
IS NOT AT ISSUE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
BUT THE EXTENT OF
TIME YOU KEEP ME HERE
IS, ON THE OTHER HAND,
OF CONSIDERABLE IMPORT.
I'M A BUSY MAN,
LET'S GET ON WITH IT.
WE'VE COME A PRETTY FAR
ROUTE, HAVEN'T WE, THE TWO OF US?
SO?
SO, IT'S ODD HOW OUR LIVES
SEEM TO CRISSCROSS
BACK AND FORTH.
I OWE YOU A GREAT DEAL,
MR. DEIDRICH, I REALLY DO.
I REMEMBER VIVIDLY ONE AFTERNOON
WHEN YOU CALLED ME
INTO YOUR OFFICE, AND SAID:
"BILL FEATHERSMITH, I
LIKE YOUR STYLE, BOY.
I WANT YOU IN WITH ME."
YOU REMEMBER THAT
AFTERNOON, MR. DEIDRICH?
I SHALL NEVER FORGET IT.
I HAVE GIVEN IT A
GOOD DEAL OF THOUGHT
IN THE ENSUING YEARS
AND SHALL NEVER
CEASE TO REGRET IT.
YOU NEVER DID LIKE ME.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
I... NEVER DID LIKE YOU.
I HAVE DISLIKED AND DETESTED YOU
WITH GREAT CORDIALITY.
I HAVE FOUND YOU TO BE
FROM THE MOMENT YOU
CAME INTO MY OFFICE
A PREDATORY, GRASPING...
CONNIVING, ACQUISITIVE
ANIMAL OF A MAN.
WITHOUT HEART,
WITHOUT CONSCIENCE
WITHOUT... COMPASSION.
WITHOUT EVEN A SUBTLE HINT
OF THE COMMON DECENCIES.
SHALL WE GO ON FROM THERE?
I GIVE YOU THIS, MR. DEIDRICH:
YOU NEVER WERE ONE TO TOADY
AROUND WITH PHONY EUPHEMISMS.
YOU ALWAYS DID SPEAK YOUR MIND.
AND YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
THIS IS PERHAPS THE SINGULAR
COMPLIMENT I CAN DREDGE UP:
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A MAN TO SPEAK YOURS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU?
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'LL DO PRECISELY THAT.
THIS... IS MY EMPIRE,
MR. DEIDRICH.
MINING, STEEL, ELECTRONICS,
LUMBER, RAILROADS,
MINERALS, MANUFACTURING...
IT'S BEEN A STEP-BY-STEP,
PIECE-BY-PIECE BUILDING UP
OF AN INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX
THAT I TAKE PARDONABLE PRIDE IN.
BUT THERE IS ONE...
PIECE... MISSING.
THAT IS TO SAY, THERE
WAS ONE PIECE MISSING...
THE DEIDRICH TOOL
AND DIE COMPANY
EMPLOYING 13,000 MEN.
A GOOD AND SUBSTANTIAL PLANT
IN OPERATION SOME 40 YEARS.
NOT ALWAYS PERFECTLY MANAGED,
BUT ADEQUATELY MANAGED.
SUFFICIENTLY WELL-MANAGED TO
MAKE YOU MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH
TO TRY TO BUY IT ON THE
FIRST MONDAY OF EACH MONTH.
BUT THANK HEAVEN I
WON'T LIVE TO SEE THE DAY
WHEN YOU STICK YOUR
GREASY-HAM FISTS INTO IT.
YOU CALL IT WELL-MANAGED.
YOU'RE SPEAKING
COMPARATIVELY, OF COURSE.
I'M SPEAKING OF
THAT LITTLE MATTER
OF YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW FOR A FACT
THAT YOU SECURED A
LOAN FOR $3 MILLION...
A LOAN PAYABLE ON DEMAND.
HERE IS THE NOTE.
I BOUGHT UP THAT
NOTE, MR. DEIDRICH.
I PAID AN EXORBITANT
AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR IT...
MORE THAN IT WAS WORTH.
BUT IT WAS, WELL, SHALL I SAY,
AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY...
AN OPPORTUNITY FOR OUR
LIVES TO CRISSCROSS AGAIN.
SO, TO THE POINT:
IT READS, "PAYABLE ON DEMAND."
SO, MR. DEIDRICH,
ON DEMAND, IT IS.
I AM CALLING THIS NOTE.
I WANT IT PAID... $3 MILLION
NOT TOMORROW...
NOT THIS EVENING
AROUND SUPPERTIME...
( shouting): NOW,
MR. DEIDRICH, THIS MOMENT!
I WANT YOUR PERSONAL
CHECK IN THAT AMOUNT
OR I'LL HAVE TO SEND
A FEW SIGN PAINTERS
OUT TO THE DEIDRICH
TOOL AND DIE COMPANY
AND HAVE THEM CROSS
OFF THE NAME DEIDRICH!
FEATHERSMITH... IF
YOU CALL THAT NOTE...
YOU'LL BANKRUPT ME.
YOU'LL KILL OFF
EVERYTHING I HAVE.
EVERYTHING I OWN... EVERYTHING.
WITNESS A MURDER.
THE KILLER IS MR. WILLIAM
FEATHERSMITH,
A ROBBER BARON WHOSE
BODY COMPOSITION IS MADE UP
OF A REFRIGERATION PLANT
COVERED BY THICK SKIN.
IN A MOMENT,
MR. FEATHERSMITH WILL PROCEED
IN HIS DAILY COURSE OF
CONQUEST AND CALUMNY
WITH YET ANOTHER
BUSINESS DEALING.
BUT THIS WILL BE ONE OF
THOSE BIZARRE TRANSACTIONS
THAT TAKE PLACE IN
AN ODD MARKETPLACE
KNOWN AS... THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
FEATHERSMITH ( over
intercom): Miss Pepper, Miss Pepper!
YES, SIR?
( Feathersmith
laughing heartily)
( laughter becomes
louder and jeering)
( Feathersmith
continues laughing)
TAKE ME DOWN, YOUNG MAN.
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY DOWN...
IF THERE'S ANYPLACE
LOWER THAN THIS FLOOR.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, UH, I
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
( slurring words): WELL, I
AM HERE, LAFAYETTE.
I AM MOST ASSUREDLY HERE.
AND HERE IS THE MOUNTAINTOP.
HIGH RUNG ON THE LADDER,
WAY UP ON THE MOUNTAINTOP.
LIKE, NOW, WHAT... LET'S
SEE, WHAT WAS HIS NAME...
GENGHIS KHAN?
GENGHIS... KHAN... FEATHERSMITH?
( laughing)
( glass shattering)
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?
WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?
HECATE, SIR, CUSTODIAN
OF THE TOP THREE FLOORS.
AND SO, YOU'RE HECATE,
CUSTODIAN OF THE TOP
THREE FLOORS, HMM?
YOU... HAVE A DRINK, HECATE,
CUSTODIAN OF THE
TOP THREE FLOORS.
THANK YOU, NO SIR,
BUT I APPRECIATE THAT.
TELL ME, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
PERFORMING THIS
ILLUSTRIOUS TASK?
34 YEARS, SIR.
I'VE BEEN IN THIS
BUILDING FOR 34 YEARS.
I GOT A... GOT A GOLD
WATCH LAST YEAR.
A GOLD WATCH... 34
YEARS IN THE BUILDING.
YOUR AGGRESSIVE SELF-ASSURANCE
UNNERVES ME, HECATE.
THAT'S PRACTICALLY AS LONG
AS I'VE BEEN IN THE BUILDING.
BUT I DIDN'T START HERE, HECATE.
NO, INDEED, I STARTED
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED CLIFFORDVILLE.
CLIFFORDVILLE, INDIANA.
YOU EVER HEAR OF IT, HECATE?
IT'S A COINCIDENCE, SIR, I
WAS BORN IN CLIFFORDVILLE.
I GREW UP THERE.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
WE'RE VERY MUCH ALIKE.
BOTH FROM CLIFFORDVILLE
WE BOTH PUT ON OUR
PANTS ONE LEG AT A TIME
AND THERE, THE SIMILARITY ENDS.
CLIFFORDVILLE, HMM?
WELL, THAT WAS A REAL
TOWN, WASN'T IT, HECATE?
A REAL PLACE.
WHEN A MAN COULD GO UP TO
THE MOON IF HE HAD A MIND TO
AND THE LEGS TO CARRY HIM
AND FINGERS TO
STRETCH OUT AND GRASP.
HMM, NOT LIKE NOW.
HMM... NO... NOT
LIKE NOW AT ALL.
GENGHIS KHAN...
FEATHERSMITH, HMM.
ALEXANDER THE
GREAT... FEATHERSMITH.
I'VE GOT EVERYTHING
THERE IS TO GET...
BUT I'M STILL HUNGRY.
HE CRIED BECAUSE HE HAD
NO MORE WORLDS TO CONQUER.
WHAT?
THAT WAS ALEXANDER THE GREAT.
HE CRIED BECAUSE HE HAD
NO MORE WORLDS TO CONQUER.
I GUESS...
I GUESS MAYBE HE WAS... KIND
OF LIKE YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, HECATE?
I WISH I COULD GO
BACK TO CLIFFORDVILLE
AND BEGIN AGAIN, I
MEAN START ALL OVER.
YOU SEE, GETTING IT,
THAT WAS THE KICK...
GETTING IT, NOT HAVING IT.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. HECATE,
CUSTODIAN OF THE
TOP THREE FLOORS.
DON'T FORGET TO
WIND YOUR GOLD WATCH.
JUST ONE MINUTE.
YOU LEFT ME OFF AT
THE WRONG FLOOR.
THIS ISN'T THE LOBBY.
( door bangs against wall)
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
( brusquely): WHO ARE YOU?
DEVLIN, FIRST NAME'S
NOT IMPORTANT.
I OWN THIS BUILDING.
I'M AWARE OF THAT,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I'M AWARE OF THAT,
BUT I'M NOT AWARE
OF YOU HAVING AN OFFICE
HERE, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
OH, I JUST OPENED IT UP.
AS A MATTER OF FACT
I'VE OPENED IT FOR
YOUR CONVENIENCE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
WHY?
WHY, BECAUSE, WE'VE
GOT SOME BUSINESS
TO TRANSACT, YOU AND I.
AND THERE'S NO REASON WHY
WE SHOULDN'T BE COMFORTABLE.
GO ON, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
YOU WERE SAYING?
HMM? OH, THE NAME OF THE
TOWN WAS CLIFFORDVILLE.
AH, YES, CLIFFORDVILLE.
AND IT WAS A PLEASANT TOWN?
OF COURSE IT WAS PLEASANT.
IT WAS BETTER THAN PLEASANT.
THERE WAS A GIRL
THERE, NAME OF GIBBONS.
FATHER WAS
PRESIDENT OF THE BANK.
BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
AND YOU ENJOYED THIS,
DIDN'T YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO ENJOY
ANYTHING. I WORKED! WORKED!
I DUG, I SCRATCHED,
I PUSHED, I DROVE.
I WENT UP... UP! YOU
UNDERSTAND THAT?
AND NOW YOU'RE UP.
YOU'RE ALL THE WAY UP.
AND... YOU'RE SIMPLY BORED.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH, PLAIN BORED.
IT'S WORSE THAN BORED.
I'M RUTHLESS NOW.
I... JUST HAVE NO
PURPOSE, NO PLANS.
I HAVE NO DRIVE BECAUSE
THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO.
WHAT ABOUT THIS...
STUFF ON YOUR DOOR?
A VERY SUCCINCT SUGGESTION
OF THE SERVICES I
RENDER, MR. FEATHERSMITH...
TRAVEL... TIME TRAVEL.
MISS DEVLIN...
LET'S YOU AND I TALK
SOMETHING OVER.
INDEED, MR. FEATHERSMITH
I HAD INTENDED THAT WE SHOULD.
LET ME SUGGEST A
POSSIBLE TRANSACTION.
YOU SAY YOU'RE BORED, YOU'VE
GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
THE PLEASURE'S NOT
IN THE POSSESSION
IT'S IN THE DESPERATE
STRUGGLE TO POSSESS.
THAT'S THE SENSE OF IT,
ISN'T IT, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
GO ON.
LET'S DO THIS:
LET'S SEND YOU BACK
TO CLIFFORDVILLE
THE CLIFFORDVILLE OF YEARS AGO.
YOU CAN START ALL OVER AGAIN.
ACQUIRE, BUILD, CONSOLIDATE...
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
MISS DEVLIN, YOU ARE NOT
DEALING WITH A FOOL NOW.
I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR
"SELL YOUR SOUL FOR A NICKEL"
COUNTRY BUMPKINS.
TRY THIS.
SEND ME BACK IN
TIME TO CLIFFORDVILLE.
BUT I WANT TO LOOK
EXACTLY AS I DID THEN...
THAT'S NUMBER ONE.
AGREED.
NUMBER TWO:
I WANT TO HAVE A MEMORY
OF EVERYTHING THAT'S
OCCURRED IN THE LAST 50 YEARS.
I DON'T WANT THAT
MEMORY IMPAIRED ONE BIT!
CHECK AGAIN, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
NUMBER THREE: I WANT
THAT TOWN EXACTLY AS IT WAS
WITH THE SAME PEOPLE
THAT I REMEMBER.
ALL VERY EASILY ARRANGED.
ANYTHING ELSE?
NUMBER FOUR: I WANT IT
TO HAPPEN RIGHT AWAY.
TIME IS OF ABSOLUTELY
NO ESSENCE.
YOU NAME THE HOUR...
THAT IS THE HOUR YOU SHALL HAVE.
NOW, AS TO THE PRICE.
YES, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
AS TO PRICE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THE
STANDARD PAYMENT
IS, UM, WELL, I GUESS
YOU'D CALL IT THE SOUL.
ON OCCASION, MR. FEATHERSMITH
THAT IS PART OF THE TRANSACTION.
BUT IN YOUR CASE, WE
GOT A HOLD OF YOUR SOUL
SOME TIME AGO, I BELIEVE.
LET ME CHECK THIS.
AH, HERE IT IS.
THERE WAS THE CRASH OF THE
TRANS-MISSISSIPPI DEBENTURES,
THE COMPANY YOU'D BOUGHT
AND THEN MANIPULATED.
YOU RUINED SEVERAL HUNDRED
PEOPLE WITH THAT CHICANERY.
THERE WERE FOUR
SUICIDES AS A RESULT.
I BELIEVE THE BULK OF YOUR SOUL
WENT OVER TO US
SHORTLY THEREAFTER.
THERE ARE SEVERAL
OTHER ITEMS HERE
UNDER PRIVATE LIFE, VOLUME NINE.
BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS...
SUBCONSCIOUS
THOUGHTS AND DREAMS.
AH, HERE WE ARE...
INDIRECT MURDERS.
PEOPLE YOU DROVE
TO RUIN AND POVERTY
HOPELESSNESS, ULTIMATE DEATH.
NO, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
I'M AFRAID YOUR SOUL
IS NOT YOURS TO NEGOTIATE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU CHARGE?
CASH.
THE LONG GREEN LEAF
LETTUCE... CURRENCY.
I HAVE YOUR CURRENT
ASSETS TABULATED HERE.
WERE YOU TO LIQUIDATE
AS OF THIS MOMENT
YOU'D BE WORTH
PRECISELY $36,891,412.14.
YOU'RE VERY THOROUGH.
WE HAVE TO BE THOROUGH,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
NOW, THE COST FOR
WHAT YOU ASK IS NOMINAL.
THE ENTIRE COST,
AND THAT INCLUDES
TRANSPORTATION BACK, CLOTHING,
RETAINING OF YOUR MEMORY,
MAINTENANCE OF THE TOWN IN
ITS HISTORICALLY ACCURATE FORM
INCLUDING ITS CITIZENRY
IS, UH, $36,890,000
LEAVING YOU A BALANCE OF...
$1,412.14.
YOU ROBBER!
MR. FEATHERSMITH, $1,412.14
IS... QUITE A LITTLE
NEST EGG, CONSIDERING...
OH, PERHAPS, MISS
DEVLIN, PERHAPS,
CONSIDERING I KNOW
WHERE THE OIL IS
JUST OUTSIDE OF TOWN.
AH, THAT'S 1400 ACRES
NOT DISCOVERED UNTIL,
UH, LET'S SEE, IT WAS 1937
WHEN THEY BROUGHT
IN THE FIRST WELL.
AND I KNOW THE NATURE
OF THE STOCK MARKET...
WHICH STOCKS WILL RISE,
WHICH STOCKS WILL FALL.
I KNOW EVERY INVENTION
THAT'S BEEN PERFECTED
IN THE LAST 50 YEARS.
I CAN GET IN ON
THE GROUND FLOOR.
THE GROUND FLOOR?
WHY, THE BASEMENT, SIR.
$1,412.14... IS A FORTUNE.
GOOD, WHEN DO I START, HOW SOON?
I CAN HANDLE THE
LIQUIDATION FOR YOU.
JUST SIGN THIS POWER OF ATTORNEY
AND THERE'S NO REASON
WHY YOU CAN'T LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
ANYTHING ELSE?
I THINK NOT.
I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO
SWEETEN THE POT A BIT FOR YOU.
THIS VERY ATTRACTIVE BANKER'S
DAUGHTER, FOR EXAMPLE.
I COULD FIX THAT UP
FOR YOU MOST HANDILY.
DO AWAY WITH A TRADITIONAL
LENGTHY COURTSHIP...
THE RITUALISTIC
FORMALITIES OF THE TIME.
NO, FORGET IT.
I'M GOING TO WORK
FOR EVERYTHING.
THAT'S THE FUN OF
IT, THAT'S THE KICK!
I'M GOING TO WORK
FOR EVERYTHING!
YOU JUST SEND ME BACK
WITH THE 1,400-ODD BUCKS
AND WATCH MY SMOKE, SISTER!
HA, EXEMPLARY, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
REALLY EXEMPLARY.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING
RUGGED INDIVIDUALISTS
OF OUR TIME.
IT'S A PLEASURE DOING
BUSINESS WITH YOU.
NOW, GOOD-BYE.
YOU'LL ARRIVE IN CLIFFORDVILLE
AT NOON TOMORROW.
THAT'S NOON OF THE YEAR 1910.
AND NEEDLESS TO
SAY, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
I WISH FOR YOU EVERYTHING
THAT YOU DESERVE.
LITTLE LADY, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WISH ANYTHING FOR ME.
I GET EVERYTHING I
GO AFTER, EVERYTHING!
I BELIEVE YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I HAVE NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER.
MAN: This is your
captain speaking.
We are crossing
the Indiana state line.
For those of you
who are interested
we have just gained an hour.
( train wheels clacking)
Conductor: CLIFFORDVILLE.
THIS STOP IS CLIFFORDVILLE.
CLIFFORDVILLE.
THE DEVIL, YOU SAY.
Conductor: ALL ABOARD.
( train whistle blows)
( engine chugging,
train wheels clacking)
Announcer: TWILIGHT ZONE WILL
CONTINUE AFTER STATION IDENTIFICATION.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, CAN'T YOU
PAVE THE ROADS AROUND HERE?
HEY, VAN WINKLE.
YOU WANT SOMETHING, SIR?
YEAH, SOMETHING.
THAT YELLOW FLAG BIT...
WHAT'S THE HOLIDAY?
Man: OH, THEM?
YES, THEM.
TYPHOID FLAGS; THEY
GOT TYPHOID OVER THERE.
TYPHOID? HAVEN'T THOSE
IDIOTS EVER HEARD OF INNOCU...
OH, NO, THEY HAVEN'T, HAVE THEY?
NO, NOT THIS YEAR.
WELL, GO BACK TO SLEEP, RIP,
I'LL WAKE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU.
HUH.
THAT'S OLD MAN HECATE!
YOU GOT A GREAT FUTURE, JACK.
A GREAT FUTURE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR.
MR. DEIDRICH, ISN'T IT?
YOU, UH, HAVE THE
ADVANTAGE, SIR.
YES, I DO INDEED.
BUT WE'LL GET
INTO THAT LATER ON.
WONDERFUL HAVING THIS...
LITTLE CHAT.
SIT DOWN, MR., UH...
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I'LL ONLY BE A MOMENT, SIR.
THIS IS MY LUNCH HOUR
AND I NEVER LET BUSINESS
INTERFERE WITH PLEASURE.
AND I NEVER LET PLEASURE
INTERFERE WITH BUSINESS.
THE NAME IS FEATHERSMITH.
I'M NOT A PEDDLER, DRUMMER,
OR DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMAN.
I'M HERE TO MAKE MYSELF RICH.
IN THE PROCESS, YOU
CAN LICK UP A FEW CRUMBS.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
THE WIDOW TURNER'S
LAND, IS IT AVAILABLE?
THE WIDOW TURNER'S LAND?
THERE WERE 1400 ACRES.
1400 ACRES?
IS THERE AN ECHO HERE
OR WOULD IT HELP IF I
HIRED AN INTERPRETER?
NO, INDEED, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
NO, INDEED, IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
WELL, SIR, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
A VERY VALUABLE
PIECE OF PROPERTY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
WIDOW TURNER'S LAND,
SOUTH END OF TOWN.
INDEED, INDEED, BEAUTIFUL SPOT.
1400 EXTRAVAGANTLY LOVELY ACRES.
SINGING BIRDS AND
CONSTANT SUNSHINE.
IT'S A GARDEN OF EDEN
FOR A MAN WITH VISION
AND THE POTENTIAL IS UNLIMITED.
IT'S A SWAMP FOR MOSQUITOES
AND THE POTENTIAL IS MALARIA.
TELL ME WHO OWNS IT AND
HOW MUCH THEY WANT FOR IT.
( clears throat)
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THAT LAND WAS PURCHASED
FROM THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
MRS. TURNER BY YOURS TRULY
IN PARTNERSHIP WITH A
MR. SEBASTIAN DEIDRICH
HERE IN TOWN.
WE EACH OWN HALF OF IT.
DEIDRICH, HUH?
WELL, DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT YOU AND MR. DEIDRICH
COULD BE PERSUADED
TO PART WITH IT
ASSUMING THE PRICE
IS WITHIN REASON?
WELL, AS VALUABLE
AS THAT LAND IS, UH...
WELL, SIR, UH,
EVERYTHING HAS ITS PRICE.
HOW DOES $4.00 AN
ACRE SOUND TO YOU?
LOVELY... FINE.
IF I WERE AN IDIOT.
BUT I AM NOT AN
IDIOT, MR. GIBBONS.
I'LL GIVE YOU 50 CENTS AN ACRE.
WHY DON'T WE STRIKE TOWARD
A COMPROMISE AND SAY... $3.00?
LET'S SAY 75 CENTS.
YOU'RE A DRIVER OF A HARD
BARGAIN, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
HOWEVER, BOTH
MYSELF AND MR. DEIDRICH
MIGHT HOLD STILL... FOR, UH...
$2.00 AN ACRE.
HMM.
MR. GIBBONS, YOU WOULDN'T
HOLD STILL FOR A BACK RUB
IF YOU COULDN'T
CONVERT IT INTO CURRENCY.
ONE BUCK AN ACRE, AND THAT'S IT.
A DOLLAR AN ACRE, YOU SAY?
ALL RIGHT, A DOLLAR
AN ACRE, I SAY.
AND IN EIGHT SECONDS,
IT'LL GO DOWN TO 80 CENTS.
GOING... GOING... GONE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
AND I PRESUME THIS WILL
BE A CASH TRANSACTION?
YOU JUST BRING THE
DEEDS TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT
PROPERLY SIGNED AND NOTARIZED
AND I'LL HAVE YOUR MONEY.
WELL, NOW, SIR, THIS IS THE WAY
I LIKE TO HAVE A TRANSACTION.
NO FIDDLING AROUND.
JUST TWO STAUNCH MEN OF GOODWILL
WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
DON'T YOU AGREE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH?
I AGREE WITH YOU RIGHT
DOWN THE LINE, MR. GIBBONS
ASSUMING BOTH YOUR
HANDS ARE VISIBLE.
AND I AM NOT A
WIDOW OR AN ORPHAN.
YOU HAVE A
DAUGHTER, MR. GIBBONS.
WHY... WHY, YES.
OH, DO YOU MIND?
OH, NO, PLEASE...
JOANNA IS HER NAME.
YES.
AND AS PRETTY A
SLICE OF PEACH PIE
AS EVER WENT ON A HAYRIDE.
MR. FEATHERSMITH, THAT...
YOU'RE BEING INSULTING.
NO, MR. GIBBONS, I AM
NOT BEING INSULTING.
I AM BEING CANDID, I
AM SPEAKING MY MIND.
I KNOW WHAT I LIKE,
AND I ASK FOR IT
AND I GENERALLY GET IT.
NOW, LET'S MEET
THIS LITTLE DOLL.
SO I TOLD DADDY WHEN HE TOLD
ME THAT YOU WERE DOWNSTAIRS,
I SAID, "IT'S ABOUT TIME
WE HAD A SOPHISTICATED
MAN IN THIS TOWN."
DIDN'T I SAY THAT, DADDY?
OH, HAVE ANOTHER
BON-BON, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
UH, NO.
OH, THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
MM. THIS ONE'S A CREAM.
MM, A REAL GOOD CREAM.
OH, I JUST LOVE CREAM.
DON'T YOU LIKE CREAM,
MR. FEATHERSMITH?
OH, WELL...! OH, I LOVE THEM.
THEY'RE JUST GOODIE-GOODIE.
WELL, ANYWAY, WHEN IT WAS JULY,
WE ALL WENT TO MY
AUNT BERTHA'S IN MAINE.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
MAINE, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
UH...! I LOVE SWIMMING.
I JUST ADORE THE OCEAN.
I'M THE BEST SWIMMER
IN MY CLASS, HUH, DADDY?
HAVE ANOTHER BON-BON,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.! NO THANK YOU.
THEY'RE GOODIE-GOODIE.
HMM?
OH, OH. ( clears throat)
WH-WHY DON'T YOU
SING FOR US, JOANNA?
I'M SURE MR. FEATHERSMITH
WOULD LOVE THAT.
OH, I THINK HE'D BE BORED WITH
MUSIC ON THIS HOT AFTERNOON.
WOULDN'T YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
OH, WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
( playing gentle intro)
( warbling soprano): ♪ EVERY LITTLE
MOVEMENT HAS A MEANING ALL ITS OWN ♪
♪ EVERY THOUGHT AND FEELING ♪
♪ BY SOME POSTURE CAN BE SHOWN ♪
♪ AND EVERY LOVE SONG
THAT COMES A-STEALING ♪
♪ O'ER YOUR BEING
MUST BE REVEALING ♪
♪ ALL ITS SWEETNESS... ♪
( speaking softly):
AH, YOU, UH...
YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER DAUGHTER?
THAT DELIGHTFUL LITTLE THING
IS MY ONE AND ONLY.
SINGS BEAUTIFULLY, DOESN'T SHE?
OH, YES, LIKE A BIRD.
( to himself): A
RUPTURED ROOSTER.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT ON
TIME, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I ALWAYS AM.
HMM, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
TWO GENTLEMEN HAVE MET.
THIS IS MR. DEIDRICH.
AND THIS IS MR. FEATHERSMITH,
MR. DEIDRICH.
I PRESUME YOU BROUGHT
CASH, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
1403 ACRES...
HERE IS $1,403.
YOU, UH, YOU SEEM TO PUT
ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE
BASKET, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I WOULDN'T LET THAT
CONCERN YOU, MR. DEIDRICH.
YOU SEE, I HAVE AN
EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT
WITH THE HEN.
( laughs heartily)
( others join in)
BEERS ALL AROUND.
WELL, GENTLEMEN...
SHALL WE GET DOWN TO CASES?
WHEN IT COMES TO A FAST SHUFFLE
YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH A
VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE DEALER.
COMMENT, MR. DEIDRICH?
AH, YOU HAVE THE
FLOOR, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
YOU SEEM ANXIOUS TO HAVE IT.
IT'S JUST A HUMAN FRAILTY...
I MEAN, TO GLOAT JUST A BIT
WHEN ONE HAS JUST SKINNED
A COUPLE OF
PROFESSIONAL SKINNERS.
WHICH INCIDENTALLY, IS
WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU.
A BUCK AN ACRE, AND
YOU'RE SITTING HERE THINKING
THAT WHEN THIS
PIGEON FLEW INTO TOWN
YOU PLUCKED HIM BALD.
I SENT A TELEGRAM
TO A GEOLOGIST.
HE ARRIVED ON THE 4:00 TRAIN.
HE SPENT THE DAY OUT AT
THE WIDOW TURNER'S LAND...
MADE SOME
PRELIMINARY SOIL TESTS.
CARE TO HEAR THE RESULTS?
FEEL FREE, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I'LL OBLIGE, MR. DEIDRICH.
THAT CRUMMY SWAMPLAND
YOU SOLD ME FOR A BUCK AN ACRE
IS WORTH HALF A
MILLION TIMES THAT.
THERE'S OIL ON THAT LAND
MR. GIBBONS, MR. DEIDRICH...
OIL, BLACK GOLD.
THERE'S ENOUGH OIL IN THAT LAND
TO PRODUCE 500
BARRELS OF OIL A DAY
FOR THE NEXT 1000 YEARS.
AND YOU SOLD IT TO
ME FOR A BUCK AN ACRE!
I SWEAR, I COULD ALMOST
FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
( laughing)
WELL, UH, MAYBE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE UNDERSTAND YOU,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I SAID OIL!
OIL, YES, YES.
WELL, HOW'S THAT FOR A
SMALL SHOCKER TO END THE DAY?
WELL, AT THE TIME, IT
MADE US GULP A BIT, TOO.
AT THE TIME?
FOUR YEARS AGO, THE FIRST
GEOLOGICAL TESTS WERE MADE
AND WE WERE TOLD ABOUT THE OIL.
FOUR YEARS AGO!
INDEED, THERE WERE SAMPLES TAKEN
OF THE SOIL AT THAT TIME, TOO.
THERE WAS NEVER ANY DOUBT
THAT THE LAND HAD OIL UNDER IT.
6,000 FEET UNDER
IT, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
WHICH MEANS IT MIGHT JUST
AS WELL BE ON THE MOON.
THE MOON?
THE OIL CAN'T BE TAKEN
OUT OF THE GROUND.
IT JUST CAN'T BE TAKEN OUT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
IT CAN'T BE TAKEN OUT?
YOU COULD DRILL DOWN
FIVE MILES IF YOU NEEDED TO.
WELL, YOU COULD PERHAPS,
BUT NOBODY ELSE ON EARTH COULD.
AND AT THAT, YOU'D BETTER
GET UP OFF THAT SEAT
AND INVENTING SOME
NEW KIND OF A DRILL.
OF COURSE, I...
I FORGOT.
IT WAS 1937 WHEN
THEY... WHEN THEY...
UH, PROBLEM, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
NOT FEELING TOO WELL?
SOMETHING, UH, A
LITTLE QUEASY, PERHAPS?
OH, IT'S SOMETHING
I ATE, I THINK.
SOMETHING YOU ATE, NO DOUBT
LIKE, UH, LIKE CROW,
MR. FEATHERSMITH?
( Deidrich and Gibbons laughing)
( Deidrich and Gibbons
continue laughing)
MR. CRONK, THIS HERE
IS MR., UH... MR., UH...
FEATHERSMITH.
MR. FEATHERSMITH
SAYS HE'D LIKE TO TALK TO US
ABOUT... I GUESS YOU'D
CALL IT "INVENTIONS."
WHAT KIND OF INVENTIONS?
IT'S SOMETHING THAT'LL
TURN THIS TWO-BIT TOOL SHED
INTO A FACTORY.
A SELF-STARTER.
YOU WANT TO ENLARGE
ON THAT, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ENLARGE ON IT?
IT'S A THING YOU
PRESS WITH YOUR FOOT
THAT STARTS AN ENGINE
WITH AN ELECTRIC MOTOR.
WELL, UH, WHAT'S IT USED FOR?
WHAT'S IT USED FOR?
IT'S USED TO MAKE
200 MILLION BUCKS.
WHAT GOES INTO IT?
ARE YOU ALL THERE?
IT'S A STORAGE
BATTERY, A MOTOR...
IT'S A GILLHOOKEY
THAT STARTS THE MOTOR.
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE PRINCIPLE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD IT.
MAKE ME A SET OF
BLUEPRINTS AND SPECIFICATIONS
AND I'LL BUILD IT.
LOOK, I AM NOT A
CRUMMY DRAFTSMAN
OR A TWO-BIT BLUEPRINT MAN.
I'M A PROMOTER, A FINANCIER.
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU THE BACKING
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE PRINCIPLE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD IT.
NOT WITHOUT BLUEPRINTS,
SPECIFICATIONS.
NOW, WHAT WAS THE OTHER STUFF?
OTHER STUFF...
WHAT ISN'T THERE?
THERE'S EVERYTHING.
THERE'S EVERYTHING
UNDER THE SUN.
AND YOU RUBE SIT AROUND
HERE FIXING TRICYCLE PEDALS.
THERE'S RADIO.
THERE'S TELEVISION.
PLASTICS... EVER
HERE OF ALUMINUM?
ALUMINUM AIRPLANES?
YOU FOGGY-HEADED
CARRIAGE BUILDERS,
WE COULD MAKE
OURSELVES $8 BILLION!
SURE.! OF COURSE WE COULD.
WAIT... THERE'S NOTHING
STANDING IN OUR WAY.
ALL IT TAKES IS JUST
A LITTLE IMAGINATION.
JUST A LITTLE DRIVE.
LET'S TALK IT OVER.
LET'S SEE WHAT APPEALS TO YOU.
UH, WHAT APPEALS TO ME?
WELL, UH...
HOW ABOUT A NICE, HANDSOME
PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE.
( laughing)
(WHAT WAS THAT NAME
AGAIN? FEATHERHEAD?laughing)
( laughing continues)
WHAT'S IT USED FOR?
TO MAKE 200 MILLION BUCKS,
THAT'S WHAT IT'S USED FOR.
LISTEN, ARE YOU ALL THERE?
IT'S A STORAGE
BATTERY, A MOTOR...
IT'S A GILLHOOKEY
THAT STARTS THE MOTOR.
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE PRINCIPLE,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD IT.
NOW, LOOK, I AM NOT
A CRUMMY DRAFTSMAN
OR A TWO-BIT BLUEPRINT MAN.
I'M A PROMOTER, A FINANCIER.
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU THE BACKING.
I'VE ALREADY GIVEN
YOU THE PRINCIPLE,
NOW ALL YOU HAVE
TO DO IS BUILD IT.
THERE'S EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN,
AND YOU RUBE, YOU SIT AROUND
HERE FIXING TRICYCLE PEDALS.
THERE'S RADIO,
THERE'S TELEVISION...
PLASTICS... EVER
HEAR OF ALUMINUM?
ALUMINUM AIRPLANES...
YOU FOGGY-HEADED
CARRIAGE BUILDERS!
WE COULD MAKE
OURSELVES $8 MILLION.
( laughter)
JESUS, THIS PLACE...
THE GOALS OF A 75-YEAR-OLD MAN
SHE, SHE DIDN'T
CHANGE ME INSIDE...
THA... THAT'S WHY
I'VE BEEN SO TIRED...
WHY, WHY I CAN'T FUNCTION,
WHY I, I CAN'T OPERATE.
THAT'S WHY I CAN'T MAKE OUT...
BECAUSE INSIDE, I'M
ALREADY THE WAY I WAS...
( laughs jeeringly)
( laughter continues)
( screams)
WELL, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
( screams)
WHY, MR. FEATHERSMITH, DEAR
BOY, YOU LOOK OUT OF SORTS...
FLAGGING, PEAKED,
DROOPING, AND NOT AT ALL WELL.
YOU MISERABLE,
YOU... ( clicks tongue)
NOW, LET'S BE FAIR ABOUT
THIS, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
AND LET'S BE REASONING AND
RATIONAL AND THOUGHTFUL.
I'M A... 75-YEAR-OLD MAN.
DISCERNING OF YOU.
NOTHING WAS MENTIONED,
MR. FEATHERSMITH,
ABOUT CHANGING YOUR
CHRONOLOGICAL AGE.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO LOOK 30
WHICH IS PRECISELY
THE WAY YOU LOOK.
WE SAID NOTHING
ABOUT YOUR INSIDES...
YOUR HEART, YOUR VEINS,
YOUR KIDNEYS, YOUR BLADDER...
JUST YOUR APPEARANCE.
THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS
TOUCHED UPON IN THE CONTRACT.
BUT THIS PLACE... THIS
TOWN... HMM, INDEED.
YOU WANTED IT AS IT WAS.
THAT WAS A SPECIFIC
CLAUSE IN THE CONTRACT.
IT'S REALLY NOT MY FAULT
YOUR MEMORY IS SO IMPERFECT.
AS TO THE POSSIBILITIES
OF INVESTMENTS...
WELL, YOU KNEW THAT OIL
WASN'T REACHED UNTIL 1937.
YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU
LEAPED BEFORE YOU LOOKED.
BUT, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE...
EVERYTHING ELSE WAS WRONG...
THE GIRL... THE DEALS...
INVENTIONS, STOCKS,
BONDS, EVERYTHING...
IT DIDN'T WORK.
IT JUST... IT JUST
SIMPLY DIDN'T WORK.
OF COURSE IT DIDN'T.
OF COURSE, BECAUSE
YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
ARE A WHEELER AND A
DEALER, A FINANCIER, A PUSHER...
A BRAIN, A
MANIPULATOR... A RAIDER.
BECAUSE YOU ARE A TAKER,
INSTEAD OF A BUILDER.
A CONNIVER, INSTEAD
OF A DESIGNER.
A USER... INSTEAD OF A BRINGER.
WELL, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
YOU ARE WHAT IS
COMMONLY REFERRED TO
AS BEING BEHIND
THE OLD EIGHT-BALL.
LOOK, LOOK, I DON'T WANT MUCH.
SEND ME BACK.
SEND ME BACK TO 1963,
BACK TO WHERE I WAS.
1963? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
THAT'S ALL I WANT,
I SWEAR TO YOU.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.
YOU UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE
THAT I CAN SEND
YOU BACK TO 1963.
BUT IT WILL BE A 1963
PREDICATED ON WHAT'S
OCCURRED IN THE PAST 24 HOURS.
I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE.
I THINK I MIGHT BE
ABLE TO ARRANGE
PUTTING YOU BACK
IN YOUR OWN TIME.
BUT, MIND YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
THIS IS NOTHING MORE NOR LESS
THAN A GESTURE OF... SYMPATHY.
OOH, HURTS ME TO MOUTH THE WORD.
BUT FRANKLY, YOU ARE
SUCH A TOTALLY ABJECT...
UNHAPPY-LOOKING
CREATURE, THAT I CAN'T FIND IT
IN MY, UH, WHEREVER
YOU FIND THE HEART...
TO LEAVE YOU HERE.
THERE'S A TRAIN OUT OF HERE
AT MIDNIGHT, A SPECIAL TRAIN.
OH, BLESS YOU, MISS DEVLIN.
I'LL NEVER FORGET... I SWEAR
TO YOU, I'LL NEVER FORGET.
THERE IS A SMALL
SURCHARGE, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
A SURCHARGE?
$40.
$40?
THINGS DO COST.
I, I DON'T HAVE $40.
I DON'T, I DON'T
HAVE FIVE DOLLARS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.
YOU HAVE TWO NEGOTIABLE ITEMS.
ALL YOU NEED DO
IS LIQUIDATE THEM.
BUT, BUT... BUT WHO
WOULD BUY THEM?
( train engine chugging)
THAT I WOULDN'T KNOW...
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
BUT... YOU... ( bells chime)
WHAT'LL I DO, WHAT'LL I DO?
YOU'VE GOT ABOUT TEN SECONDS.
FIND YOURSELF A CUSTOMER.
IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
( last chime at midnight)
( chugging of train
engine grows louder)
( train brakes screech)
HERE, HECATE!
HECATE!
HERE, IT'S A BARGAIN!
CONSTANT SUNSHINE,
SINGING BIRDS...
14... Conductor: ALL ABOARD!
1400 ACRES!
PLEASE, IT'S A BARGAIN!
HURRY, IT'S YOURS FOR 40 BUCKS!
( train whistle blows)
YES, YOU WANT SOMETHING?
OH, I WAS GOING TO
CLEAN UP, MR. HECATE.
ALL RIGHT, CLEAN UP.
HMM, MARVELOUS OLD PLACE.
REALLY GREAT OLD TOWN.
UH, SIR?
CLIFFORDVILLE.
CLIFFORDVILLE, INDIANA.
I GREW UP THERE,
GOT MY START THERE.
OH, THAT, THAT'S A
COINCIDENCE, SIR.
I GREW UP THERE.
NAME IS FEATHERSMITH.
HMM.
WELL, HOW SIMILAR WE
ARE, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
WE BOTH CAME FROM CLIFFORDVILLE.
WE BOTH PUT ON OUR
PANTS ONE LEG AT A TIME.
AND HERE WE WIND UP
IN THE SAME BUILDING
EACH WITH HIS OWN
PARTICULAR FUNCTION, HUH?
OH, OH, YES, SIR, EACH WITH
OUR PARTICULAR FUNCTION.
OH, THEY, THEY... THEY
GAVE ME A, A WATCH.
FOUR YEARS AGO.
IT WAS ON THE 40th
ANNIVERSARY AS CUSTODIAN.
WELL, NOW, MAYBE
FOR THE NEXT 40 YEARS
IF YOU REALLY APPLY
YOURSELF, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
I'LL BUY YOU A FOB.
MR. WILLIAM J.
FEATHERSMITH, TYCOON.
WHO TRIED THE
TRACK ONE MORE TIME
AND FOUND IT MUDDIER
THAN HE REMEMBERED.
PROVING WITH AT LEAST A
DEGREE OF CONCLUSIVENESS
THAT NICE GUYS DON'T
ALWAYS FINISH LAST.
AND SOME PEOPLE SHOULD
QUIT WHEN THEY'RE AHEAD.
TONIGHT'S TALE OF
IRON MEN AND IRONY
DELIVERED F.O.B. FROM
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
ON OUR NEXT EXCURSION
INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE
WE BORROW AN
IMPOSING ARRAY OF TALENT
AND CALL IN THE SERVICES
OF A DISTINGUISHED AUTHOR
NAMED REGINALD ROSE,
AND SOME EXCEPTIONALLY
FINE ACTING TALENT
IN THE PERSONS OF MR. PAT
HINGLE, MISS NAN MARTIN
AND MISS RUTH WHITE.
THEY APPEAR IN A STORY CALLED
"THE INCREDIBLE
WORLD OF HORACE FORD."
AND IT'S AN INCREDIBLE
WORLD INDEED.
HARVEY BENDER?
WHO'S HARVEY BENDER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
JUST STOP IT.
HE WAS ONE OF
THE KIDS LAST NIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I SAW HIM LAST NIGHT.
DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE?
I KNOW WHAT I SEE.
HE WAS TEN YEARS OLD WHEN
YOU WERE TEN YEARS OLD.
HE'S AS OLD AS YOU ARE.
I TELL YOU, I SAW HIM.
HE'S A GROWN UP MAN.
OH, YOU THINK SO?
YOU THINK SO, DO YOU?
LET ME TELL YOU, I SAW HIM
LAST NIGHT ON RANDOLPH STREET.
AND I SAW GEORGE LAMBERT
AND I SAW CY WRIGHT.
AND THEY ARE STILL KIDS.
YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
( typewriters clacking)
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH MR. FEATHERSMITH.
OH, YES, MR. DEIDRICH,
HE'S EXPECTING YOU, SIR.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
OH, WOW.
I COULD JUST SEE HIM NOW.
THAT BIG, HAPPY GRIN ON HIS FACE
JUST BEFORE HE DRAWS THE BLOOD.
"HAVE A CIGAR, MR. DEIDRICH,
BEFORE I RIP YOU TO PIECES.
"BUT I MUST HAVE
MY LITTLE FUN FIRST.
HAVE A CIGAR."
HAVE A CIGAR, MR. DEIDRICH.
THANK YOU, NO, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
YOU ASKED ME TO COME
HERE AT 2:00; IT IS NOW 2:00.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE ON YOUR MIND?
HMM, YOU NEVER HAVE
CARED FOR MY HABITS
HAVE YOU, MR. DEIDRICH?
WHETHER I DO OR DON'T
IS NOT AT ISSUE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
BUT THE EXTENT OF
TIME YOU KEEP ME HERE
IS, ON THE OTHER HAND,
OF CONSIDERABLE IMPORT.
I'M A BUSY MAN,
LET'S GET ON WITH IT.
WE'VE COME A PRETTY FAR
ROUTE, HAVEN'T WE, THE TWO OF US?
SO?
SO, IT'S ODD HOW OUR LIVES
SEEM TO CRISSCROSS
BACK AND FORTH.
I OWE YOU A GREAT DEAL,
MR. DEIDRICH, I REALLY DO.
I REMEMBER VIVIDLY ONE AFTERNOON
WHEN YOU CALLED ME
INTO YOUR OFFICE, AND SAID:
"BILL FEATHERSMITH, I
LIKE YOUR STYLE, BOY.
I WANT YOU IN WITH ME."
YOU REMEMBER THAT
AFTERNOON, MR. DEIDRICH?
I SHALL NEVER FORGET IT.
I HAVE GIVEN IT A
GOOD DEAL OF THOUGHT
IN THE ENSUING YEARS
AND SHALL NEVER
CEASE TO REGRET IT.
YOU NEVER DID LIKE ME.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
I... NEVER DID LIKE YOU.
I HAVE DISLIKED AND DETESTED YOU
WITH GREAT CORDIALITY.
I HAVE FOUND YOU TO BE
FROM THE MOMENT YOU
CAME INTO MY OFFICE
A PREDATORY, GRASPING...
CONNIVING, ACQUISITIVE
ANIMAL OF A MAN.
WITHOUT HEART,
WITHOUT CONSCIENCE
WITHOUT... COMPASSION.
WITHOUT EVEN A SUBTLE HINT
OF THE COMMON DECENCIES.
SHALL WE GO ON FROM THERE?
I GIVE YOU THIS, MR. DEIDRICH:
YOU NEVER WERE ONE TO TOADY
AROUND WITH PHONY EUPHEMISMS.
YOU ALWAYS DID SPEAK YOUR MIND.
AND YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
THIS IS PERHAPS THE SINGULAR
COMPLIMENT I CAN DREDGE UP:
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A MAN TO SPEAK YOURS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU?
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'LL DO PRECISELY THAT.
THIS... IS MY EMPIRE,
MR. DEIDRICH.
MINING, STEEL, ELECTRONICS,
LUMBER, RAILROADS,
MINERALS, MANUFACTURING...
IT'S BEEN A STEP-BY-STEP,
PIECE-BY-PIECE BUILDING UP
OF AN INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX
THAT I TAKE PARDONABLE PRIDE IN.
BUT THERE IS ONE...
PIECE... MISSING.
THAT IS TO SAY, THERE
WAS ONE PIECE MISSING...
THE DEIDRICH TOOL
AND DIE COMPANY
EMPLOYING 13,000 MEN.
A GOOD AND SUBSTANTIAL PLANT
IN OPERATION SOME 40 YEARS.
NOT ALWAYS PERFECTLY MANAGED,
BUT ADEQUATELY MANAGED.
SUFFICIENTLY WELL-MANAGED TO
MAKE YOU MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH
TO TRY TO BUY IT ON THE
FIRST MONDAY OF EACH MONTH.
BUT THANK HEAVEN I
WON'T LIVE TO SEE THE DAY
WHEN YOU STICK YOUR
GREASY-HAM FISTS INTO IT.
YOU CALL IT WELL-MANAGED.
YOU'RE SPEAKING
COMPARATIVELY, OF COURSE.
I'M SPEAKING OF
THAT LITTLE MATTER
OF YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW FOR A FACT
THAT YOU SECURED A
LOAN FOR $3 MILLION...
A LOAN PAYABLE ON DEMAND.
HERE IS THE NOTE.
I BOUGHT UP THAT
NOTE, MR. DEIDRICH.
I PAID AN EXORBITANT
AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR IT...
MORE THAN IT WAS WORTH.
BUT IT WAS, WELL, SHALL I SAY,
AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY...
AN OPPORTUNITY FOR OUR
LIVES TO CRISSCROSS AGAIN.
SO, TO THE POINT:
IT READS, "PAYABLE ON DEMAND."
SO, MR. DEIDRICH,
ON DEMAND, IT IS.
I AM CALLING THIS NOTE.
I WANT IT PAID... $3 MILLION
NOT TOMORROW...
NOT THIS EVENING
AROUND SUPPERTIME...
( shouting): NOW,
MR. DEIDRICH, THIS MOMENT!
I WANT YOUR PERSONAL
CHECK IN THAT AMOUNT
OR I'LL HAVE TO SEND
A FEW SIGN PAINTERS
OUT TO THE DEIDRICH
TOOL AND DIE COMPANY
AND HAVE THEM CROSS
OFF THE NAME DEIDRICH!
FEATHERSMITH... IF
YOU CALL THAT NOTE...
YOU'LL BANKRUPT ME.
YOU'LL KILL OFF
EVERYTHING I HAVE.
EVERYTHING I OWN... EVERYTHING.
WITNESS A MURDER.
THE KILLER IS MR. WILLIAM
FEATHERSMITH,
A ROBBER BARON WHOSE
BODY COMPOSITION IS MADE UP
OF A REFRIGERATION PLANT
COVERED BY THICK SKIN.
IN A MOMENT,
MR. FEATHERSMITH WILL PROCEED
IN HIS DAILY COURSE OF
CONQUEST AND CALUMNY
WITH YET ANOTHER
BUSINESS DEALING.
BUT THIS WILL BE ONE OF
THOSE BIZARRE TRANSACTIONS
THAT TAKE PLACE IN
AN ODD MARKETPLACE
KNOWN AS... THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
FEATHERSMITH ( over
intercom): Miss Pepper, Miss Pepper!
YES, SIR?
( Feathersmith
laughing heartily)
( laughter becomes
louder and jeering)
( Feathersmith
continues laughing)
TAKE ME DOWN, YOUNG MAN.
TAKE ME ALL THE WAY DOWN...
IF THERE'S ANYPLACE
LOWER THAN THIS FLOOR.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, UH, I
DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
( slurring words): WELL, I
AM HERE, LAFAYETTE.
I AM MOST ASSUREDLY HERE.
AND HERE IS THE MOUNTAINTOP.
HIGH RUNG ON THE LADDER,
WAY UP ON THE MOUNTAINTOP.
LIKE, NOW, WHAT... LET'S
SEE, WHAT WAS HIS NAME...
GENGHIS KHAN?
GENGHIS... KHAN... FEATHERSMITH?
( laughing)
( glass shattering)
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?
WHO ARE YOU, ANYWAY?
HECATE, SIR, CUSTODIAN
OF THE TOP THREE FLOORS.
AND SO, YOU'RE HECATE,
CUSTODIAN OF THE TOP
THREE FLOORS, HMM?
YOU... HAVE A DRINK, HECATE,
CUSTODIAN OF THE
TOP THREE FLOORS.
THANK YOU, NO SIR,
BUT I APPRECIATE THAT.
TELL ME, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
PERFORMING THIS
ILLUSTRIOUS TASK?
34 YEARS, SIR.
I'VE BEEN IN THIS
BUILDING FOR 34 YEARS.
I GOT A... GOT A GOLD
WATCH LAST YEAR.
A GOLD WATCH... 34
YEARS IN THE BUILDING.
YOUR AGGRESSIVE SELF-ASSURANCE
UNNERVES ME, HECATE.
THAT'S PRACTICALLY AS LONG
AS I'VE BEEN IN THE BUILDING.
BUT I DIDN'T START HERE, HECATE.
NO, INDEED, I STARTED
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED CLIFFORDVILLE.
CLIFFORDVILLE, INDIANA.
YOU EVER HEAR OF IT, HECATE?
IT'S A COINCIDENCE, SIR, I
WAS BORN IN CLIFFORDVILLE.
I GREW UP THERE.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
WE'RE VERY MUCH ALIKE.
BOTH FROM CLIFFORDVILLE
WE BOTH PUT ON OUR
PANTS ONE LEG AT A TIME
AND THERE, THE SIMILARITY ENDS.
CLIFFORDVILLE, HMM?
WELL, THAT WAS A REAL
TOWN, WASN'T IT, HECATE?
A REAL PLACE.
WHEN A MAN COULD GO UP TO
THE MOON IF HE HAD A MIND TO
AND THE LEGS TO CARRY HIM
AND FINGERS TO
STRETCH OUT AND GRASP.
HMM, NOT LIKE NOW.
HMM... NO... NOT
LIKE NOW AT ALL.
GENGHIS KHAN...
FEATHERSMITH, HMM.
ALEXANDER THE
GREAT... FEATHERSMITH.
I'VE GOT EVERYTHING
THERE IS TO GET...
BUT I'M STILL HUNGRY.
HE CRIED BECAUSE HE HAD
NO MORE WORLDS TO CONQUER.
WHAT?
THAT WAS ALEXANDER THE GREAT.
HE CRIED BECAUSE HE HAD
NO MORE WORLDS TO CONQUER.
I GUESS...
I GUESS MAYBE HE WAS... KIND
OF LIKE YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, HECATE?
I WISH I COULD GO
BACK TO CLIFFORDVILLE
AND BEGIN AGAIN, I
MEAN START ALL OVER.
YOU SEE, GETTING IT,
THAT WAS THE KICK...
GETTING IT, NOT HAVING IT.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. HECATE,
CUSTODIAN OF THE
TOP THREE FLOORS.
DON'T FORGET TO
WIND YOUR GOLD WATCH.
JUST ONE MINUTE.
YOU LEFT ME OFF AT
THE WRONG FLOOR.
THIS ISN'T THE LOBBY.
( door bangs against wall)
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
( brusquely): WHO ARE YOU?
DEVLIN, FIRST NAME'S
NOT IMPORTANT.
I OWN THIS BUILDING.
I'M AWARE OF THAT,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I'M AWARE OF THAT,
BUT I'M NOT AWARE
OF YOU HAVING AN OFFICE
HERE, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
OH, I JUST OPENED IT UP.
AS A MATTER OF FACT
I'VE OPENED IT FOR
YOUR CONVENIENCE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
WHY?
WHY, BECAUSE, WE'VE
GOT SOME BUSINESS
TO TRANSACT, YOU AND I.
AND THERE'S NO REASON WHY
WE SHOULDN'T BE COMFORTABLE.
GO ON, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
YOU WERE SAYING?
HMM? OH, THE NAME OF THE
TOWN WAS CLIFFORDVILLE.
AH, YES, CLIFFORDVILLE.
AND IT WAS A PLEASANT TOWN?
OF COURSE IT WAS PLEASANT.
IT WAS BETTER THAN PLEASANT.
THERE WAS A GIRL
THERE, NAME OF GIBBONS.
FATHER WAS
PRESIDENT OF THE BANK.
BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
AND YOU ENJOYED THIS,
DIDN'T YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO ENJOY
ANYTHING. I WORKED! WORKED!
I DUG, I SCRATCHED,
I PUSHED, I DROVE.
I WENT UP... UP! YOU
UNDERSTAND THAT?
AND NOW YOU'RE UP.
YOU'RE ALL THE WAY UP.
AND... YOU'RE SIMPLY BORED.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH, PLAIN BORED.
IT'S WORSE THAN BORED.
I'M RUTHLESS NOW.
I... JUST HAVE NO
PURPOSE, NO PLANS.
I HAVE NO DRIVE BECAUSE
THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO.
WHAT ABOUT THIS...
STUFF ON YOUR DOOR?
A VERY SUCCINCT SUGGESTION
OF THE SERVICES I
RENDER, MR. FEATHERSMITH...
TRAVEL... TIME TRAVEL.
MISS DEVLIN...
LET'S YOU AND I TALK
SOMETHING OVER.
INDEED, MR. FEATHERSMITH
I HAD INTENDED THAT WE SHOULD.
LET ME SUGGEST A
POSSIBLE TRANSACTION.
YOU SAY YOU'RE BORED, YOU'VE
GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
THE PLEASURE'S NOT
IN THE POSSESSION
IT'S IN THE DESPERATE
STRUGGLE TO POSSESS.
THAT'S THE SENSE OF IT,
ISN'T IT, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
GO ON.
LET'S DO THIS:
LET'S SEND YOU BACK
TO CLIFFORDVILLE
THE CLIFFORDVILLE OF YEARS AGO.
YOU CAN START ALL OVER AGAIN.
ACQUIRE, BUILD, CONSOLIDATE...
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
MISS DEVLIN, YOU ARE NOT
DEALING WITH A FOOL NOW.
I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR
"SELL YOUR SOUL FOR A NICKEL"
COUNTRY BUMPKINS.
TRY THIS.
SEND ME BACK IN
TIME TO CLIFFORDVILLE.
BUT I WANT TO LOOK
EXACTLY AS I DID THEN...
THAT'S NUMBER ONE.
AGREED.
NUMBER TWO:
I WANT TO HAVE A MEMORY
OF EVERYTHING THAT'S
OCCURRED IN THE LAST 50 YEARS.
I DON'T WANT THAT
MEMORY IMPAIRED ONE BIT!
CHECK AGAIN, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
NUMBER THREE: I WANT
THAT TOWN EXACTLY AS IT WAS
WITH THE SAME PEOPLE
THAT I REMEMBER.
ALL VERY EASILY ARRANGED.
ANYTHING ELSE?
NUMBER FOUR: I WANT IT
TO HAPPEN RIGHT AWAY.
TIME IS OF ABSOLUTELY
NO ESSENCE.
YOU NAME THE HOUR...
THAT IS THE HOUR YOU SHALL HAVE.
NOW, AS TO THE PRICE.
YES, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
AS TO PRICE.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THE
STANDARD PAYMENT
IS, UM, WELL, I GUESS
YOU'D CALL IT THE SOUL.
ON OCCASION, MR. FEATHERSMITH
THAT IS PART OF THE TRANSACTION.
BUT IN YOUR CASE, WE
GOT A HOLD OF YOUR SOUL
SOME TIME AGO, I BELIEVE.
LET ME CHECK THIS.
AH, HERE IT IS.
THERE WAS THE CRASH OF THE
TRANS-MISSISSIPPI DEBENTURES,
THE COMPANY YOU'D BOUGHT
AND THEN MANIPULATED.
YOU RUINED SEVERAL HUNDRED
PEOPLE WITH THAT CHICANERY.
THERE WERE FOUR
SUICIDES AS A RESULT.
I BELIEVE THE BULK OF YOUR SOUL
WENT OVER TO US
SHORTLY THEREAFTER.
THERE ARE SEVERAL
OTHER ITEMS HERE
UNDER PRIVATE LIFE, VOLUME NINE.
BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS...
SUBCONSCIOUS
THOUGHTS AND DREAMS.
AH, HERE WE ARE...
INDIRECT MURDERS.
PEOPLE YOU DROVE
TO RUIN AND POVERTY
HOPELESSNESS, ULTIMATE DEATH.
NO, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
I'M AFRAID YOUR SOUL
IS NOT YOURS TO NEGOTIATE.
THEN WHAT DO YOU CHARGE?
CASH.
THE LONG GREEN LEAF
LETTUCE... CURRENCY.
I HAVE YOUR CURRENT
ASSETS TABULATED HERE.
WERE YOU TO LIQUIDATE
AS OF THIS MOMENT
YOU'D BE WORTH
PRECISELY $36,891,412.14.
YOU'RE VERY THOROUGH.
WE HAVE TO BE THOROUGH,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
NOW, THE COST FOR
WHAT YOU ASK IS NOMINAL.
THE ENTIRE COST,
AND THAT INCLUDES
TRANSPORTATION BACK, CLOTHING,
RETAINING OF YOUR MEMORY,
MAINTENANCE OF THE TOWN IN
ITS HISTORICALLY ACCURATE FORM
INCLUDING ITS CITIZENRY
IS, UH, $36,890,000
LEAVING YOU A BALANCE OF...
$1,412.14.
YOU ROBBER!
MR. FEATHERSMITH, $1,412.14
IS... QUITE A LITTLE
NEST EGG, CONSIDERING...
OH, PERHAPS, MISS
DEVLIN, PERHAPS,
CONSIDERING I KNOW
WHERE THE OIL IS
JUST OUTSIDE OF TOWN.
AH, THAT'S 1400 ACRES
NOT DISCOVERED UNTIL,
UH, LET'S SEE, IT WAS 1937
WHEN THEY BROUGHT
IN THE FIRST WELL.
AND I KNOW THE NATURE
OF THE STOCK MARKET...
WHICH STOCKS WILL RISE,
WHICH STOCKS WILL FALL.
I KNOW EVERY INVENTION
THAT'S BEEN PERFECTED
IN THE LAST 50 YEARS.
I CAN GET IN ON
THE GROUND FLOOR.
THE GROUND FLOOR?
WHY, THE BASEMENT, SIR.
$1,412.14... IS A FORTUNE.
GOOD, WHEN DO I START, HOW SOON?
I CAN HANDLE THE
LIQUIDATION FOR YOU.
JUST SIGN THIS POWER OF ATTORNEY
AND THERE'S NO REASON
WHY YOU CAN'T LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
ANYTHING ELSE?
I THINK NOT.
I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO
SWEETEN THE POT A BIT FOR YOU.
THIS VERY ATTRACTIVE BANKER'S
DAUGHTER, FOR EXAMPLE.
I COULD FIX THAT UP
FOR YOU MOST HANDILY.
DO AWAY WITH A TRADITIONAL
LENGTHY COURTSHIP...
THE RITUALISTIC
FORMALITIES OF THE TIME.
NO, FORGET IT.
I'M GOING TO WORK
FOR EVERYTHING.
THAT'S THE FUN OF
IT, THAT'S THE KICK!
I'M GOING TO WORK
FOR EVERYTHING!
YOU JUST SEND ME BACK
WITH THE 1,400-ODD BUCKS
AND WATCH MY SMOKE, SISTER!
HA, EXEMPLARY, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
REALLY EXEMPLARY.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING
RUGGED INDIVIDUALISTS
OF OUR TIME.
IT'S A PLEASURE DOING
BUSINESS WITH YOU.
NOW, GOOD-BYE.
YOU'LL ARRIVE IN CLIFFORDVILLE
AT NOON TOMORROW.
THAT'S NOON OF THE YEAR 1910.
AND NEEDLESS TO
SAY, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
I WISH FOR YOU EVERYTHING
THAT YOU DESERVE.
LITTLE LADY, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WISH ANYTHING FOR ME.
I GET EVERYTHING I
GO AFTER, EVERYTHING!
I BELIEVE YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I HAVE NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER.
MAN: This is your
captain speaking.
We are crossing
the Indiana state line.
For those of you
who are interested
we have just gained an hour.
( train wheels clacking)
Conductor: CLIFFORDVILLE.
THIS STOP IS CLIFFORDVILLE.
CLIFFORDVILLE.
THE DEVIL, YOU SAY.
Conductor: ALL ABOARD.
( train whistle blows)
( engine chugging,
train wheels clacking)
Announcer: TWILIGHT ZONE WILL
CONTINUE AFTER STATION IDENTIFICATION.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, CAN'T YOU
PAVE THE ROADS AROUND HERE?
HEY, VAN WINKLE.
YOU WANT SOMETHING, SIR?
YEAH, SOMETHING.
THAT YELLOW FLAG BIT...
WHAT'S THE HOLIDAY?
Man: OH, THEM?
YES, THEM.
TYPHOID FLAGS; THEY
GOT TYPHOID OVER THERE.
TYPHOID? HAVEN'T THOSE
IDIOTS EVER HEARD OF INNOCU...
OH, NO, THEY HAVEN'T, HAVE THEY?
NO, NOT THIS YEAR.
WELL, GO BACK TO SLEEP, RIP,
I'LL WAKE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU.
HUH.
THAT'S OLD MAN HECATE!
YOU GOT A GREAT FUTURE, JACK.
A GREAT FUTURE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR.
MR. DEIDRICH, ISN'T IT?
YOU, UH, HAVE THE
ADVANTAGE, SIR.
YES, I DO INDEED.
BUT WE'LL GET
INTO THAT LATER ON.
WONDERFUL HAVING THIS...
LITTLE CHAT.
SIT DOWN, MR., UH...
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I'LL ONLY BE A MOMENT, SIR.
THIS IS MY LUNCH HOUR
AND I NEVER LET BUSINESS
INTERFERE WITH PLEASURE.
AND I NEVER LET PLEASURE
INTERFERE WITH BUSINESS.
THE NAME IS FEATHERSMITH.
I'M NOT A PEDDLER, DRUMMER,
OR DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMAN.
I'M HERE TO MAKE MYSELF RICH.
IN THE PROCESS, YOU
CAN LICK UP A FEW CRUMBS.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
THE WIDOW TURNER'S
LAND, IS IT AVAILABLE?
THE WIDOW TURNER'S LAND?
THERE WERE 1400 ACRES.
1400 ACRES?
IS THERE AN ECHO HERE
OR WOULD IT HELP IF I
HIRED AN INTERPRETER?
NO, INDEED, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
NO, INDEED, IT'S JUST THAT, UH,
WELL, SIR, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
A VERY VALUABLE
PIECE OF PROPERTY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
WIDOW TURNER'S LAND,
SOUTH END OF TOWN.
INDEED, INDEED, BEAUTIFUL SPOT.
1400 EXTRAVAGANTLY LOVELY ACRES.
SINGING BIRDS AND
CONSTANT SUNSHINE.
IT'S A GARDEN OF EDEN
FOR A MAN WITH VISION
AND THE POTENTIAL IS UNLIMITED.
IT'S A SWAMP FOR MOSQUITOES
AND THE POTENTIAL IS MALARIA.
TELL ME WHO OWNS IT AND
HOW MUCH THEY WANT FOR IT.
( clears throat)
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THAT LAND WAS PURCHASED
FROM THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
MRS. TURNER BY YOURS TRULY
IN PARTNERSHIP WITH A
MR. SEBASTIAN DEIDRICH
HERE IN TOWN.
WE EACH OWN HALF OF IT.
DEIDRICH, HUH?
WELL, DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT YOU AND MR. DEIDRICH
COULD BE PERSUADED
TO PART WITH IT
ASSUMING THE PRICE
IS WITHIN REASON?
WELL, AS VALUABLE
AS THAT LAND IS, UH...
WELL, SIR, UH,
EVERYTHING HAS ITS PRICE.
HOW DOES $4.00 AN
ACRE SOUND TO YOU?
LOVELY... FINE.
IF I WERE AN IDIOT.
BUT I AM NOT AN
IDIOT, MR. GIBBONS.
I'LL GIVE YOU 50 CENTS AN ACRE.
WHY DON'T WE STRIKE TOWARD
A COMPROMISE AND SAY... $3.00?
LET'S SAY 75 CENTS.
YOU'RE A DRIVER OF A HARD
BARGAIN, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
HOWEVER, BOTH
MYSELF AND MR. DEIDRICH
MIGHT HOLD STILL... FOR, UH...
$2.00 AN ACRE.
HMM.
MR. GIBBONS, YOU WOULDN'T
HOLD STILL FOR A BACK RUB
IF YOU COULDN'T
CONVERT IT INTO CURRENCY.
ONE BUCK AN ACRE, AND THAT'S IT.
A DOLLAR AN ACRE, YOU SAY?
ALL RIGHT, A DOLLAR
AN ACRE, I SAY.
AND IN EIGHT SECONDS,
IT'LL GO DOWN TO 80 CENTS.
GOING... GOING... GONE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
AND I PRESUME THIS WILL
BE A CASH TRANSACTION?
YOU JUST BRING THE
DEEDS TO MY HOTEL TONIGHT
PROPERLY SIGNED AND NOTARIZED
AND I'LL HAVE YOUR MONEY.
WELL, NOW, SIR, THIS IS THE WAY
I LIKE TO HAVE A TRANSACTION.
NO FIDDLING AROUND.
JUST TWO STAUNCH MEN OF GOODWILL
WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
DON'T YOU AGREE,
MR. FEATHERSMITH?
I AGREE WITH YOU RIGHT
DOWN THE LINE, MR. GIBBONS
ASSUMING BOTH YOUR
HANDS ARE VISIBLE.
AND I AM NOT A
WIDOW OR AN ORPHAN.
YOU HAVE A
DAUGHTER, MR. GIBBONS.
WHY... WHY, YES.
OH, DO YOU MIND?
OH, NO, PLEASE...
JOANNA IS HER NAME.
YES.
AND AS PRETTY A
SLICE OF PEACH PIE
AS EVER WENT ON A HAYRIDE.
MR. FEATHERSMITH, THAT...
YOU'RE BEING INSULTING.
NO, MR. GIBBONS, I AM
NOT BEING INSULTING.
I AM BEING CANDID, I
AM SPEAKING MY MIND.
I KNOW WHAT I LIKE,
AND I ASK FOR IT
AND I GENERALLY GET IT.
NOW, LET'S MEET
THIS LITTLE DOLL.
SO I TOLD DADDY WHEN HE TOLD
ME THAT YOU WERE DOWNSTAIRS,
I SAID, "IT'S ABOUT TIME
WE HAD A SOPHISTICATED
MAN IN THIS TOWN."
DIDN'T I SAY THAT, DADDY?
OH, HAVE ANOTHER
BON-BON, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
UH, NO.
OH, THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
MM. THIS ONE'S A CREAM.
MM, A REAL GOOD CREAM.
OH, I JUST LOVE CREAM.
DON'T YOU LIKE CREAM,
MR. FEATHERSMITH?
OH, WELL...! OH, I LOVE THEM.
THEY'RE JUST GOODIE-GOODIE.
WELL, ANYWAY, WHEN IT WAS JULY,
WE ALL WENT TO MY
AUNT BERTHA'S IN MAINE.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
MAINE, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
UH...! I LOVE SWIMMING.
I JUST ADORE THE OCEAN.
I'M THE BEST SWIMMER
IN MY CLASS, HUH, DADDY?
HAVE ANOTHER BON-BON,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.! NO THANK YOU.
THEY'RE GOODIE-GOODIE.
HMM?
OH, OH. ( clears throat)
WH-WHY DON'T YOU
SING FOR US, JOANNA?
I'M SURE MR. FEATHERSMITH
WOULD LOVE THAT.
OH, I THINK HE'D BE BORED WITH
MUSIC ON THIS HOT AFTERNOON.
WOULDN'T YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
OH, WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
( playing gentle intro)
( warbling soprano): ♪ EVERY LITTLE
MOVEMENT HAS A MEANING ALL ITS OWN ♪
♪ EVERY THOUGHT AND FEELING ♪
♪ BY SOME POSTURE CAN BE SHOWN ♪
♪ AND EVERY LOVE SONG
THAT COMES A-STEALING ♪
♪ O'ER YOUR BEING
MUST BE REVEALING ♪
♪ ALL ITS SWEETNESS... ♪
( speaking softly):
AH, YOU, UH...
YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER DAUGHTER?
THAT DELIGHTFUL LITTLE THING
IS MY ONE AND ONLY.
SINGS BEAUTIFULLY, DOESN'T SHE?
OH, YES, LIKE A BIRD.
( to himself): A
RUPTURED ROOSTER.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT ON
TIME, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I ALWAYS AM.
HMM, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
TWO GENTLEMEN HAVE MET.
THIS IS MR. DEIDRICH.
AND THIS IS MR. FEATHERSMITH,
MR. DEIDRICH.
I PRESUME YOU BROUGHT
CASH, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
1403 ACRES...
HERE IS $1,403.
YOU, UH, YOU SEEM TO PUT
ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE
BASKET, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I WOULDN'T LET THAT
CONCERN YOU, MR. DEIDRICH.
YOU SEE, I HAVE AN
EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT
WITH THE HEN.
( laughs heartily)
( others join in)
BEERS ALL AROUND.
WELL, GENTLEMEN...
SHALL WE GET DOWN TO CASES?
WHEN IT COMES TO A FAST SHUFFLE
YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH A
VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE DEALER.
COMMENT, MR. DEIDRICH?
AH, YOU HAVE THE
FLOOR, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
YOU SEEM ANXIOUS TO HAVE IT.
IT'S JUST A HUMAN FRAILTY...
I MEAN, TO GLOAT JUST A BIT
WHEN ONE HAS JUST SKINNED
A COUPLE OF
PROFESSIONAL SKINNERS.
WHICH INCIDENTALLY, IS
WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU.
A BUCK AN ACRE, AND
YOU'RE SITTING HERE THINKING
THAT WHEN THIS
PIGEON FLEW INTO TOWN
YOU PLUCKED HIM BALD.
I SENT A TELEGRAM
TO A GEOLOGIST.
HE ARRIVED ON THE 4:00 TRAIN.
HE SPENT THE DAY OUT AT
THE WIDOW TURNER'S LAND...
MADE SOME
PRELIMINARY SOIL TESTS.
CARE TO HEAR THE RESULTS?
FEEL FREE, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I'LL OBLIGE, MR. DEIDRICH.
THAT CRUMMY SWAMPLAND
YOU SOLD ME FOR A BUCK AN ACRE
IS WORTH HALF A
MILLION TIMES THAT.
THERE'S OIL ON THAT LAND
MR. GIBBONS, MR. DEIDRICH...
OIL, BLACK GOLD.
THERE'S ENOUGH OIL IN THAT LAND
TO PRODUCE 500
BARRELS OF OIL A DAY
FOR THE NEXT 1000 YEARS.
AND YOU SOLD IT TO
ME FOR A BUCK AN ACRE!
I SWEAR, I COULD ALMOST
FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
( laughing)
WELL, UH, MAYBE YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE UNDERSTAND YOU,
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
I SAID OIL!
OIL, YES, YES.
WELL, HOW'S THAT FOR A
SMALL SHOCKER TO END THE DAY?
WELL, AT THE TIME, IT
MADE US GULP A BIT, TOO.
AT THE TIME?
FOUR YEARS AGO, THE FIRST
GEOLOGICAL TESTS WERE MADE
AND WE WERE TOLD ABOUT THE OIL.
FOUR YEARS AGO!
INDEED, THERE WERE SAMPLES TAKEN
OF THE SOIL AT THAT TIME, TOO.
THERE WAS NEVER ANY DOUBT
THAT THE LAND HAD OIL UNDER IT.
6,000 FEET UNDER
IT, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
WHICH MEANS IT MIGHT JUST
AS WELL BE ON THE MOON.
THE MOON?
THE OIL CAN'T BE TAKEN
OUT OF THE GROUND.
IT JUST CAN'T BE TAKEN OUT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
IT CAN'T BE TAKEN OUT?
YOU COULD DRILL DOWN
FIVE MILES IF YOU NEEDED TO.
WELL, YOU COULD PERHAPS,
BUT NOBODY ELSE ON EARTH COULD.
AND AT THAT, YOU'D BETTER
GET UP OFF THAT SEAT
AND INVENTING SOME
NEW KIND OF A DRILL.
OF COURSE, I...
I FORGOT.
IT WAS 1937 WHEN
THEY... WHEN THEY...
UH, PROBLEM, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
NOT FEELING TOO WELL?
SOMETHING, UH, A
LITTLE QUEASY, PERHAPS?
OH, IT'S SOMETHING
I ATE, I THINK.
SOMETHING YOU ATE, NO DOUBT
LIKE, UH, LIKE CROW,
MR. FEATHERSMITH?
( Deidrich and Gibbons laughing)
( Deidrich and Gibbons
continue laughing)
MR. CRONK, THIS HERE
IS MR., UH... MR., UH...
FEATHERSMITH.
MR. FEATHERSMITH
SAYS HE'D LIKE TO TALK TO US
ABOUT... I GUESS YOU'D
CALL IT "INVENTIONS."
WHAT KIND OF INVENTIONS?
IT'S SOMETHING THAT'LL
TURN THIS TWO-BIT TOOL SHED
INTO A FACTORY.
A SELF-STARTER.
YOU WANT TO ENLARGE
ON THAT, MR. FEATHERSMITH?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ENLARGE ON IT?
IT'S A THING YOU
PRESS WITH YOUR FOOT
THAT STARTS AN ENGINE
WITH AN ELECTRIC MOTOR.
WELL, UH, WHAT'S IT USED FOR?
WHAT'S IT USED FOR?
IT'S USED TO MAKE
200 MILLION BUCKS.
WHAT GOES INTO IT?
ARE YOU ALL THERE?
IT'S A STORAGE
BATTERY, A MOTOR...
IT'S A GILLHOOKEY
THAT STARTS THE MOTOR.
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE PRINCIPLE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD IT.
MAKE ME A SET OF
BLUEPRINTS AND SPECIFICATIONS
AND I'LL BUILD IT.
LOOK, I AM NOT A
CRUMMY DRAFTSMAN
OR A TWO-BIT BLUEPRINT MAN.
I'M A PROMOTER, A FINANCIER.
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU THE BACKING
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE PRINCIPLE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD IT.
NOT WITHOUT BLUEPRINTS,
SPECIFICATIONS.
NOW, WHAT WAS THE OTHER STUFF?
OTHER STUFF...
WHAT ISN'T THERE?
THERE'S EVERYTHING.
THERE'S EVERYTHING
UNDER THE SUN.
AND YOU RUBE SIT AROUND
HERE FIXING TRICYCLE PEDALS.
THERE'S RADIO.
THERE'S TELEVISION.
PLASTICS... EVER
HERE OF ALUMINUM?
ALUMINUM AIRPLANES?
YOU FOGGY-HEADED
CARRIAGE BUILDERS,
WE COULD MAKE
OURSELVES $8 BILLION!
SURE.! OF COURSE WE COULD.
WAIT... THERE'S NOTHING
STANDING IN OUR WAY.
ALL IT TAKES IS JUST
A LITTLE IMAGINATION.
JUST A LITTLE DRIVE.
LET'S TALK IT OVER.
LET'S SEE WHAT APPEALS TO YOU.
UH, WHAT APPEALS TO ME?
WELL, UH...
HOW ABOUT A NICE, HANDSOME
PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE.
( laughing)
(WHAT WAS THAT NAME
AGAIN? FEATHERHEAD?laughing)
( laughing continues)
WHAT'S IT USED FOR?
TO MAKE 200 MILLION BUCKS,
THAT'S WHAT IT'S USED FOR.
LISTEN, ARE YOU ALL THERE?
IT'S A STORAGE
BATTERY, A MOTOR...
IT'S A GILLHOOKEY
THAT STARTS THE MOTOR.
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE PRINCIPLE,
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUILD IT.
NOW, LOOK, I AM NOT
A CRUMMY DRAFTSMAN
OR A TWO-BIT BLUEPRINT MAN.
I'M A PROMOTER, A FINANCIER.
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU THE BACKING.
I'VE ALREADY GIVEN
YOU THE PRINCIPLE,
NOW ALL YOU HAVE
TO DO IS BUILD IT.
THERE'S EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN,
AND YOU RUBE, YOU SIT AROUND
HERE FIXING TRICYCLE PEDALS.
THERE'S RADIO,
THERE'S TELEVISION...
PLASTICS... EVER
HEAR OF ALUMINUM?
ALUMINUM AIRPLANES...
YOU FOGGY-HEADED
CARRIAGE BUILDERS!
WE COULD MAKE
OURSELVES $8 MILLION.
( laughter)
JESUS, THIS PLACE...
THE GOALS OF A 75-YEAR-OLD MAN
SHE, SHE DIDN'T
CHANGE ME INSIDE...
THA... THAT'S WHY
I'VE BEEN SO TIRED...
WHY, WHY I CAN'T FUNCTION,
WHY I, I CAN'T OPERATE.
THAT'S WHY I CAN'T MAKE OUT...
BECAUSE INSIDE, I'M
ALREADY THE WAY I WAS...
( laughs jeeringly)
( laughter continues)
( screams)
WELL, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
( screams)
WHY, MR. FEATHERSMITH, DEAR
BOY, YOU LOOK OUT OF SORTS...
FLAGGING, PEAKED,
DROOPING, AND NOT AT ALL WELL.
YOU MISERABLE,
YOU... ( clicks tongue)
NOW, LET'S BE FAIR ABOUT
THIS, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
AND LET'S BE REASONING AND
RATIONAL AND THOUGHTFUL.
I'M A... 75-YEAR-OLD MAN.
DISCERNING OF YOU.
NOTHING WAS MENTIONED,
MR. FEATHERSMITH,
ABOUT CHANGING YOUR
CHRONOLOGICAL AGE.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO LOOK 30
WHICH IS PRECISELY
THE WAY YOU LOOK.
WE SAID NOTHING
ABOUT YOUR INSIDES...
YOUR HEART, YOUR VEINS,
YOUR KIDNEYS, YOUR BLADDER...
JUST YOUR APPEARANCE.
THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS
TOUCHED UPON IN THE CONTRACT.
BUT THIS PLACE... THIS
TOWN... HMM, INDEED.
YOU WANTED IT AS IT WAS.
THAT WAS A SPECIFIC
CLAUSE IN THE CONTRACT.
IT'S REALLY NOT MY FAULT
YOUR MEMORY IS SO IMPERFECT.
AS TO THE POSSIBILITIES
OF INVESTMENTS...
WELL, YOU KNEW THAT OIL
WASN'T REACHED UNTIL 1937.
YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU
LEAPED BEFORE YOU LOOKED.
BUT, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE...
EVERYTHING ELSE WAS WRONG...
THE GIRL... THE DEALS...
INVENTIONS, STOCKS,
BONDS, EVERYTHING...
IT DIDN'T WORK.
IT JUST... IT JUST
SIMPLY DIDN'T WORK.
OF COURSE IT DIDN'T.
OF COURSE, BECAUSE
YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
ARE A WHEELER AND A
DEALER, A FINANCIER, A PUSHER...
A BRAIN, A
MANIPULATOR... A RAIDER.
BECAUSE YOU ARE A TAKER,
INSTEAD OF A BUILDER.
A CONNIVER, INSTEAD
OF A DESIGNER.
A USER... INSTEAD OF A BRINGER.
WELL, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
YOU ARE WHAT IS
COMMONLY REFERRED TO
AS BEING BEHIND
THE OLD EIGHT-BALL.
LOOK, LOOK, I DON'T WANT MUCH.
SEND ME BACK.
SEND ME BACK TO 1963,
BACK TO WHERE I WAS.
1963? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
THAT'S ALL I WANT,
I SWEAR TO YOU.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.
YOU UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE
THAT I CAN SEND
YOU BACK TO 1963.
BUT IT WILL BE A 1963
PREDICATED ON WHAT'S
OCCURRED IN THE PAST 24 HOURS.
I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE.
I THINK I MIGHT BE
ABLE TO ARRANGE
PUTTING YOU BACK
IN YOUR OWN TIME.
BUT, MIND YOU, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
THIS IS NOTHING MORE NOR LESS
THAN A GESTURE OF... SYMPATHY.
OOH, HURTS ME TO MOUTH THE WORD.
BUT FRANKLY, YOU ARE
SUCH A TOTALLY ABJECT...
UNHAPPY-LOOKING
CREATURE, THAT I CAN'T FIND IT
IN MY, UH, WHEREVER
YOU FIND THE HEART...
TO LEAVE YOU HERE.
THERE'S A TRAIN OUT OF HERE
AT MIDNIGHT, A SPECIAL TRAIN.
OH, BLESS YOU, MISS DEVLIN.
I'LL NEVER FORGET... I SWEAR
TO YOU, I'LL NEVER FORGET.
THERE IS A SMALL
SURCHARGE, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
A SURCHARGE?
$40.
$40?
THINGS DO COST.
I, I DON'T HAVE $40.
I DON'T, I DON'T
HAVE FIVE DOLLARS.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.
YOU HAVE TWO NEGOTIABLE ITEMS.
ALL YOU NEED DO
IS LIQUIDATE THEM.
BUT, BUT... BUT WHO
WOULD BUY THEM?
( train engine chugging)
THAT I WOULDN'T KNOW...
MR. FEATHERSMITH.
BUT... YOU... ( bells chime)
WHAT'LL I DO, WHAT'LL I DO?
YOU'VE GOT ABOUT TEN SECONDS.
FIND YOURSELF A CUSTOMER.
IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
( last chime at midnight)
( chugging of train
engine grows louder)
( train brakes screech)
HERE, HECATE!
HECATE!
HERE, IT'S A BARGAIN!
CONSTANT SUNSHINE,
SINGING BIRDS...
14... Conductor: ALL ABOARD!
1400 ACRES!
PLEASE, IT'S A BARGAIN!
HURRY, IT'S YOURS FOR 40 BUCKS!
( train whistle blows)
YES, YOU WANT SOMETHING?
OH, I WAS GOING TO
CLEAN UP, MR. HECATE.
ALL RIGHT, CLEAN UP.
HMM, MARVELOUS OLD PLACE.
REALLY GREAT OLD TOWN.
UH, SIR?
CLIFFORDVILLE.
CLIFFORDVILLE, INDIANA.
I GREW UP THERE,
GOT MY START THERE.
OH, THAT, THAT'S A
COINCIDENCE, SIR.
I GREW UP THERE.
NAME IS FEATHERSMITH.
HMM.
WELL, HOW SIMILAR WE
ARE, MR. FEATHERSMITH.
WE BOTH CAME FROM CLIFFORDVILLE.
WE BOTH PUT ON OUR
PANTS ONE LEG AT A TIME.
AND HERE WE WIND UP
IN THE SAME BUILDING
EACH WITH HIS OWN
PARTICULAR FUNCTION, HUH?
OH, OH, YES, SIR, EACH WITH
OUR PARTICULAR FUNCTION.
OH, THEY, THEY... THEY
GAVE ME A, A WATCH.
FOUR YEARS AGO.
IT WAS ON THE 40th
ANNIVERSARY AS CUSTODIAN.
WELL, NOW, MAYBE
FOR THE NEXT 40 YEARS
IF YOU REALLY APPLY
YOURSELF, MR. FEATHERSMITH,
I'LL BUY YOU A FOB.
MR. WILLIAM J.
FEATHERSMITH, TYCOON.
WHO TRIED THE
TRACK ONE MORE TIME
AND FOUND IT MUDDIER
THAN HE REMEMBERED.
PROVING WITH AT LEAST A
DEGREE OF CONCLUSIVENESS
THAT NICE GUYS DON'T
ALWAYS FINISH LAST.
AND SOME PEOPLE SHOULD
QUIT WHEN THEY'RE AHEAD.
TONIGHT'S TALE OF
IRON MEN AND IRONY
DELIVERED F.O.B. FROM
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
ON OUR NEXT EXCURSION
INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE
WE BORROW AN
IMPOSING ARRAY OF TALENT
AND CALL IN THE SERVICES
OF A DISTINGUISHED AUTHOR
NAMED REGINALD ROSE,
AND SOME EXCEPTIONALLY
FINE ACTING TALENT
IN THE PERSONS OF MR. PAT
HINGLE, MISS NAN MARTIN
AND MISS RUTH WHITE.
THEY APPEAR IN A STORY CALLED
"THE INCREDIBLE
WORLD OF HORACE FORD."
AND IT'S AN INCREDIBLE
WORLD INDEED.
HARVEY BENDER?
WHO'S HARVEY BENDER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
JUST STOP IT.
HE WAS ONE OF
THE KIDS LAST NIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I SAW HIM LAST NIGHT.
DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE?
I KNOW WHAT I SEE.
HE WAS TEN YEARS OLD WHEN
YOU WERE TEN YEARS OLD.
HE'S AS OLD AS YOU ARE.
I TELL YOU, I SAW HIM.
HE'S A GROWN UP MAN.
OH, YOU THINK SO?
YOU THINK SO, DO YOU?
LET ME TELL YOU, I SAW HIM
LAST NIGHT ON RANDOLPH STREET.
AND I SAW GEORGE LAMBERT
AND I SAW CY WRIGHT.
AND THEY ARE STILL KIDS.