The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 3, Episode 33 - The Dummy - full transcript

YOU'RE TRAVELING THROUGH
ANOTHER DIMENSION...

A DIMENSION NOT ONLY OF
SIGHT AND SOUND, BUT OF MIND,

A JOURNEY INTO A WONDROUS LAND

WHOSE BOUNDARIES
ARE THAT OF IMAGINATION.

YOUR NEXT STOP,
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE'RE CERTAINLY GLAD

TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, TURKEY.

THAT'S JERRY.

EVERY DUMMY TO HIS OWN TASTE.

NOW, CUT THAT OUT.



ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LET GO OF THE SUIT.

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, WILLY.

JUST STAY RIGHT HERE.

I MEAN IT.

UH-HUH.

I'M SORRY.

IF I SAID ANYTHING,
I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

OH, NO?

NO.

NO?

JUST TELL ME THIS, WISE GUY.

YOU DID ADMIT THAT YOU WERE
SUPERSTITIOUS, DIDN'T YOU?



WELL, ON OCCASION, YES.

BUT YOU DON'T THROW
SALT OVER YOUR SHOULDERS

OR CROSS YOUR FINGERS.

NO, I KNOCK ON WOOD.

YOU DID IT AGAIN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I RESIGN.

FROM NOW ON, I'M A SINGLE!

AS FOR YOU, YOU
CAN TURN IN YOUR LAP.

UH... WHY, WILLY,
IN THE FIRST PLACE,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT ME?

WELL, FOR ONE THING,

I COULD BE A BETTER
VENTRILOQUIST.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

YEAH?

YEAH... WATCH THIS.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME

ON MY WAY OVER TO
THE CLUB TONIGHT.

IS THAT A FACT?

WHAT HAPPENED, BLOCKHEAD?

I WAS OUT IN FRONT
OF THE RITZ-SAVOY.

THAT'S WHERE I LIVE... OUT
IN FRONT OF THE RITZ-SAVOY.

THEY PUT FORMALDEHYDE
IN THOSE JOKES?

SOMETHING MUST PRESERVE THEM.

YOU'RE WATCHING A VENTRILOQUIST
NAMED JERRY ETHERSON,

A VOICE-THROWER PAR EXCELLENCE.

HIS ALTER EGO,
SITTING ATOP HIS LAP,

IS A BRASH STICK OF KINDLING
WITH THE SOBRIQUET "WILLY."

IN A MOMENT, MR. ETHERSON
AND HIS KNOTTY-PINE PARTNER

WILL BE BOOKED INTO ONE OF
THE OUT-OF-THE-WAY BISTROS

THAT SMALL DARK, INTIMATE
PLACE KNOWN AS THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

PLAY PLACES LIKE, UH,
MIAMI, LOS ANGELES, UTAH.

HEY, JERRY.

WHAT?

HOW ABOUT SAN QUENTIN?

Jerry: PLAY THERE, BUT
NOT FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

ANYWAY, YOU'VE BEEN
A WONDERFUL AUDIENCE,

AND WE WANT TO THANK YOU.

WILLY, I THINK IT
WOULD BE VERY NICE

IF YOU'D SAY GOOD
NIGHT AND THANK YOU

TO ALL THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
I CAN DO BETTER?

ALL RIGHT, WISE GUY.

CAN YOU DO THIS?

COME AROUND
TOMORROW NIGHT, FOLKS.

I'LL BE ALONE...
JUST YOU AND ME.

WILLY, I THINK, LITTLE PAL,

WE BETTER CUT OUT, HUH?

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, FOLKS,

AS SOON AS I SHAKE THIS
PUSHER AND GET ME A REAL ACT

YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOME CLASS!

THANK YOU AGAIN,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

HELP, I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!

CALL A LAWYER! CALL A DOCTOR!

JUST GET ME TO
THE NURSE ON TIME!

OW!

Man: WHAT DO YOU SAY, MAESTRO?

HOW DID IT GO?

NOT BAD.

IT'S A SMALL HOUSE,
BUT A HAPPY ONE.

THERE WEREN'T ANY COMPLAINTS.

WELL, BOOBY... FRANK!

DON'T DO THAT.

I TOLD YOU THAT.

STILL ON THE BIT, HUH?

STILL ON THAT STUFF, HUH?

YOU GAVE ME YOUR SOLEMN PROMISE

YOU WERE GOING
TO DO YOUR DRINKING

OUT OF SODA POP
BOTTLES AND COFFEE JUGS.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE
TO GET YOU WISE?

I'M TIRED.

WILL YOU CLEAR THE AREA?

FIRST I'D LIKE TO CLEAR THE AIR.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
YOU MANUFACTURE

ALL YOUR ILLUSIONS, JERRY.

BUT INSTEAD OF BEING ON TOP,

WHERE YOU OUGHT TO BE,

YOU'RE A SECOND-RATE
NIGHTCLUB ENTERTAINER.

AND IF YOU STAY
ON THAT BOTTLE...

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT
AWAY THE BOTTLE.

NOW, WILL YOU PULL OUT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I WASTE MY TIME.

TEN PERCENT OF YOU IS GRIEF,
AND IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'VE
GOT A SOFT SPOT IN MY HEART

FOR PEOPLE WHO
LIKE TO COMMIT SUICIDE

EIGHT HOURS A DAY.

NOW, LISTEN, JERRY.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

YOU GIVE IN TO SOME BAD HOOCH

AND THEN YOU HAVE
BAD NIGHTMARES.

TAKE AWAY THE HOOCH,

AND YOU TAKE AWAY
THE NIGHTMARES.

NO, YOU GOT THE
CHRONOLOGY WRONG, FRANK.

FIRST THE NIGHTMARES
AND THEN THE HOOCH.

I DRINK 'CAUSE I HAVE
TO AND I HAVE TO...

BECAUSE OF HIM.

I'VE GOT TO GET
RID OF HIM, FRANK.

THIS STICK OF WOOD?

THIS FUGITIVE FROM A FIREPLACE?

JERRY, HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS
DO YOU HAVE TO SEE?

HOW MANY HOURS ON THE COUCH?

HOW MANY 20-BUCK-AN-HOUR VISITS?

I CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT
IS, YOU'VE BEEN TOLD.

OFTEN, ENDLESSLY, UP TO MY CRAW
IN OVERFLOWING SCHIZOPHRENIA...

PATIENT MANIPULATED BY FORCES

OUTSIDE OF HIS CONTROL.

I CAN TELL YOU FRONTWARDS,
BACKWARDS, IN THREE LANGUAGES.

IT'S LIKE A WELL-REHEARSED
OFF-COLOR GAG:

PATIENT GOES FROM
HIMSELF TO A LIFELESS DUMMY

AND THEN IS UNABLE TO SEPARATE
HIMSELF FROM THE DUMMY.

OH, THAT'S ALL VERY
PSYCHIATRIC AND ERUDITE

AND WORTH ABOUT
TWO-AND-A-HALF BUCKS A WORD,

BUT IT'S NOT RIGHT.
IT'S NOT RIGHT!

I TOLD THEM THAT,
I TELL YOU THAT.

IT'S NO MORE
SCHIZOPHRENIA-PARANOIA

THAN IT IS ATHLETE'S
FOOT OR A HEAD COLD!

WILLY'S ALIVE!

HE'S A DUMMY!

HE'S A BLOCK OF WOOD.

LOOK AT IT.

DOES THIS THING
LOOK ALIVE TO YOU?

WELL, DOES HE?

24 INCHES OF TIMBER

AND YOU'RE BURYING
YOURSELF OVER IT.

NOW, YOU LISTEN, JERRY.

I'VE GONE ALONG WITH YOU.

I'VE HELD YOUR HAND,
SUNG YOU LULLABIES,

PATTED YOU ON THE SHOULDER.

I'VE ALSO COVERED FOR YOU

THE 110 PERFORMANCES
YOU'VE RUN OUT ON.

I'VE THOUGHT OF EXCUSES

THAT HAVEN'T EVEN
BEEN INVENTED YET.

I'VE GONE WITHOUT COMMISSION,

WITHOUT SLEEP.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD
A TALENTED ARTICLE HERE

THAT EVENTUALLY WAS
GOING TO CRAWL OUT

FROM UNDER A
BOTTLE AND HIT IT BIG.

WELL, I DON'T THINK

YOU'RE SUCH A TALENTED
ARTICLE ANYMORE, JERRY.

LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.

MAYBE I THINK YOU COULD BE...

BUT YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO.

I THINK YOU'RE A
SELF-INDULGENT SOT

WITH AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION,

AND THE ONLY THING

YOU LIKE BETTER THAN
SCOTCH IS SYMPATHY.

I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU JUST 24 HOURS

TO STRAIGHTEN OUT.

GET RID OF THAT BOTTLE

AND THE CRAZY OBSESSION

THAT YOU'RE BATTLING A DUMMY.

FRANK... HE'S ALIVE.

WILLY'S NOT A DUMMY.

THAT'S A DUMMY.

AND THAT'S THE ANSWER.

GO ON.

GOT TO GET RID OF WILLY...

MAKE A WHOLE NEW ROUTINE.

A WHOLE NEW ROUTINE TAKES TIME.

YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER SHOW SOON.

TELL THEM I CAN'T
MAKE THE LATE SHOW.

TELL THEM I'M SICK OR SOMETHING.

I'VE ALREADY TOLD THEM...

THE TROUBLE IS, THEY
KNOW IT'S "SOMETHING."

JERRY, YOU PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER

AND WHEN YOU HEAR YOUR MUSIC

YOU BE OUT ON THAT STAGE.

I DON'T CARE WHICH
DUMMY YOU BRING,

BUT YOU BE OUT THERE.

THIS IS ONE I DON'T
COVER FOR, JERRY.

SAY, GOOFY GOGGLES,

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
YOUR GLASSES FIXED?

I DON'T HAVE TO.

MY EYES ARE MUCH BETTER NOW.

GOOFY, YOU'RE LOOKING
AT THE BAND LEADER.

I'M OVER HERE.

KEEP TALKING, I'LL FIND YOU.

SAY, ETHERSON, I'VE
BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU

YOU PUT TOO MUCH
STARCH IN MY COLLAR.

TOO MUCH STARCH?

I'M NOT YOUR LAUNDRY MAN.

YEAH...

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
MAKE IT, YOU AND ME.

JUST YOU AND ME.

JERRY. MARSHA, LISTEN TO THIS.

THIS WILL KNOCK YOU OUT.
MAKE ME TALK, JERRY, COME ON.

LOOK, NOREEN, I'M ON
IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

COME ON. MAKES YOU
SOUND JUST LIKE WILLY.

REAL CRAZY. COME ON, COME ON.

Willy: KNOCK IT OFF,
BABE, THAT TICKLES.

WILLY, SHUT UP!

IS THAT WILD? IS THAT WILD?

GOOFY.

GOOFY, I THINK IT'S TIME

YOU HAD YOUR GLASSES FIXED.

I REALLY DO.

MY EYES ARE MUCH BETTER NOW.

GOOFY, THAT'S THE BAND LEADER.

I'M OVER HERE.

KEEP TALKING, I'LL FIND YOU.

GOOFY, YOU NEED
YOUR EYES TESTED.

EYES TESTED?

THAT'S RIGHT... EYES TESTED.

WELL, I'M READY.

ALL RIGHT, HERE.

NOW, TELL ME WHAT THAT SAYS.

WHERE?

OH... THAT THING.

HOW ABOUT A HINT?

GOOFY, IT'S... CLEAR AS DAY.

IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

JUST GIVE ME A HINT.

WELL, IT'S A LETTER

AND IT'S BETWEEN "D" AND "F."

I'VE GOT IT... IT'S "E."

I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU DO IT, GOOFY.

I CANNOT TELL A LIE.

I MEMORIZED IT.

OH, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE.

SING YOUR SONG, WILL YOU?

♪ ARE THE STARS OUT TONIGHT? ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
CLOUDY OR BRIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I ONLY HAVE EYES... ♪

CUTE ACT, ISN'T IT, GEORGIE?

WHAT'S CUTE ABOUT IT?

BESIDES, I LIKED THE
OLD DUMMY BETTER.

WHY DID HE CHANGE IT?

BRIGHTENS IT UP A LITTLE.

GIVES IT SOME NOVELTY.

NOVELTY?

WITH A VENTRILOQUIST?

FRANKIE, YOU'VE SEEN
ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL.

EVERY DUMMY LOOKS THE SAME,

AND IF JUST ONCE THEY
CHANGED THE JOKES,

I'D HAVE A CORONARY.

WHAT'S WITH ETHERSON, ANYWAY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

USUALLY THE ACTS
MIX WITH THE TRADE,

YOU KNOW, WALK
DOWN ON THE FLOOR,

DO A LITTLE DRINKING
WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

THIS GUY PLAYS IT
LIKE GRETA GARBO...

LOCKS HIMSELF UP IN HIS
ROOM LIKE A PRIMA DONNA.

WELL, HE'S NERVOUS TONIGHT.

WHY?

YOU KNOW, HE HASN'T BEEN WELL.

IT'S HIS FIRST NIGHT
OUT IN A MONTH OR SO.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE, GEORGIE.

HE'LL WARM UP.

WELL, YOU TELL HIM TO.

TELL HIM TO BRING THE DUMMY OUT

AND WALK AROUND THE
TABLES AFTER THE SHOW.

IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL, FRANKIE.

MAKES PEOPLE THIRSTY.

SWEET DREAMS, WILLY.

YOUR NEXT BOOKING
IS IN THE FIREPLACE.

YOU LEAVING?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE, FRANK?

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE LEAVING.

I WAITED FOR YOU
AFTER THE LAST SHOW.

GEORGIE WAS HOPING

YOU'D MIX WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

YOU TELL GEORGIE

I'M A VENTRILOQUIST,
NOT A SHILL.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS I'M
RESIGNING FROM THE CLUB.

YOU KEEP YOUR TEN PERCENT,
AND I'LL KEEP MY SELF-RESPECT.

ALSO MY SENSE OF HUMOR,

MY REGULAR MEALS, MY
NORMAL WORKING HOURS.

YOU AND I HAVE HAD IT, JERRY.

I HAVE GONE THE
ROUTE AND THEN SOME.

YOU DON'T NEED AN AGENT...

YOU NEED MEDICAL HELP.

I THINK IT'S REACHED THAT NOW.

YOU NEVER BELIEVED
ME, DID YOU, FRANK?

YEAH, I BELIEVED YOU.

I BELIEVED YOU HAD OBSESSIONS
THAT WERE EATING YOU UP ALIVE

BUT I ALSO BELIEVE, JERRY,

YOU'RE LETTING THEM.

HE TALKS WHEN I DON'T TALK.

HE TELLS JOKES I NEVER HEARD
OF BEFORE, GIVES ME BUM CUES.

HE'S ALIVE, FRANK.

THAT'S WHY I LOCKED
HIM IN THAT TRUNK.

GOOFY AND I ARE GOING

TO FLY OUT OF HERE, FRANK.

WE'LL FLY TO MIAMI, LOS ANGELES,

MAYBE THAT PLACE IN KANSAS CITY.

THE PLACE IN KANSAS CITY

IS THE SAME AS MIAMI

WHICH IS THE SAME AS LOS ANGELES

WHICH IS THE SAME
AS SIOUX CITY, IOWA,

WHICH IS THE SAME AS ANY TOWN

SOUTH, WEST, NORTH OF HERE.

THEY'RE ALL THE SAME, JERRY

AND YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO LEAVE WILLY

BY HOPPING A PLANE

OR A TRAIN, OR A TAXI
OR A ONE-HORSE SHAY.

THIS THING YOU LICK RIGHT HERE.

THIS THING YOU
LICK AT THE SOURCE.

THIS THING YOU
DON'T RUN AWAY FROM.

WE'LL SEE.

GOOD NIGHT, MR. ETHERSON.

GOOD NIGHT, RALPH.

Willy: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE
ME IN A STUFFY OLD TRUNK, ARE YOU?

WAS THERE SOMETHING,
MR. ETHERSON?

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

IS SAID GOOD NIGHT, THAT'S ALL.

GOOD NIGHT.

♪ ♪

Willy: AW, COME ON, OLD SPORT.

I WOULDN'T LOCK YOU IN A TRUNK.

WILLY?

WHERE ARE YOU, WILLY?

Woman: JERRY?

GOOD NIGHT, JERRY.

GOOD NIGHT.

Willy: HEY, GARIBALDI!

DIDN'T YOU FORGET SOMEONE?

DIDN'T YOU FORGET WILLY?

JERRY?

NOREEN?

OH... NOREEN, I WAS
WAITING FOR YOU.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU.

THE LINE IS, "THIS
IS SO SUDDEN."

AND IN THIS CASE, IT
HAPPENS TO BE SUDDEN.

NO... I WAS WAITING FOR YOU

BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE
A DRINK WITH YOU, NOREEN,

OR MAYBE A SANDWICH
OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

NOREEN, YOU'RE A GOOD KID,

AND I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU WERE A GOOD KID,

AND I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO... EASY, JERRY.

HONEY, LISTEN...

WAIT A MINUTE, NOREEN, LOOK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, JERRY?

THERE'S NOTHING
THE MATTER WITH ME.

NO, I'M NOT SICK.

I JUST WANT TO HAVE
A DRINK WITH YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

I KEEP HEARING THOSE VOICES

AND WILLY IS BUGGING ME.

NO!

WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT!

Willy: WHAT DO YOU
SAY, STRANGER?

YOU SLUMMING?

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME
ON THE WAY TO THE CLUB TONIGHT.

I WAS OUT IN FRONT
OF THE RITZ-SAVOY.

I WAS OUT IN FRONT
OF THE RITZ-SAVOY...

THAT'S WHERE I LIVE... OUT
IN FRONT OF THE RITZ-SAVOY.

IN FRONT OF THE RITZ-SAVOY.

COME OUT, COME OUT,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.

HEY, WISE GUY.

HEY! WISE GUY!

THE WRONG ONE.

HOW COULD I GET THE WRONG ONE?

MAYBE YOU NEED GLASSES.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE EYE TEST?

NOW, WHAT AM I HOLDING
OUT IN FRONT OF ME?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

IT'S BETWEEN "D" AND "F."

DON'T PEEK.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, PARTNER?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WHAT DO YOU SAY... WE
GET DOWN TO BUSINESS?

YOU'RE REAL.

HOW CAN YOU BE REAL
WHEN YOU'RE MADE OF WOOD?

YOU MADE ME REAL.

YOU POURED WORDS INTO MY HEAD.

YOU MOVED MY MOUTH.

YOU STUCK OUT MY TONGUE.

YOU JERK, DON'T YOU GET IT?

YOU MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY.

I HOPE YOU'RE... SATISFIED...

FROM THE SONG, OF THE SAME NAME.

AND NOW... DIRECT
FROM NEW YORK CITY,

THE FUNNIEST PAIR OF
CUCKOOS YOU'LL EVER SEE

HERE IN KANSAS CITY
OR ANYPLACE ELSE,

JERRY AND WILLY.

LET'S BRING THEM OUT BIG, FOLKS.

HOW DO YOU DO, FOLKS?

HOW DO YOU DO?

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME

ON THE WAY OVER
TO THE CLUB TONIGHT.

I MET THIS BROAD...

NOW, JERRY, YOU
DON'T MEAN "BROAD."

YOU MEAN "LADY."

OH, LOOK, CHUM, YOU
JUST WRITE THE JOKES

AND I'LL TELL THEM, OKAY?

WELL, ANYWAY, I MET THIS
BROAD COMING DOWN THE STREET.

IT WAS A BROAD STREET...

WHAT'S KNOWN IN THE
PARLANCE OF THE TIMES

AS THE OLD SWITCHEROO...

FROM BOSS TO BLOCKHEAD
IN A FEW, UNEASY LESSONS.

AND IF YOU'RE GIVEN TO
NIGHTCLUBBING ON OCCASION,

CHECK THIS ACT.

IT'S CALLED "WILLY AND JERRY,"

AND THEY GENERALLY ARE
BOOKED INTO SOME OF THE CLUBS

ALONG THE "GRAY NIGHT WAY"
KNOWN AS THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Announcer: ROD SERLING,
CREATOR OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE,

WILL TELL YOU ABOUT
NEXT WEEK'S STORY

AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

AND NOW, MR. SERLING.

NEXT WEEK THROUGH THE GOOD
OFFICES OF MR. RICHARD MATHESON

WE TELL YOU A STORY
OF A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY,

WHICH IS KIND OF A EUPHEMISTIC
DESCRIPTION OF A MORTAL COMBAT

BETWEEN THE LIVING AND THE DEAD,

BETWEEN THE
PRESENT AND THE PAST,

BETWEEN MISS PHYLLIS
THAXTER AND MR. ALEX NICOL.

THE BATTLEGROUND
IS THIS OLD HOUSE

AND ITS FRONT DOOR
WILL BE OPENED TO YOU

NEXT WEEK ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

HELLO, TREE.

Announcer: TREES ARE
EVERYBODY'S FRIENDS.

REMEMBER, ONLY YOU
CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.