The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 3, Episode 13 - Once Upon a Time - full transcript
Janitor Woodrow Mulligan gets a trip from 1890 to 1962 courtesy of his employer's time helmet.
( theme music playing)
YOU'RE TRAVELING THROUGH
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION NOT ONLY OF
SIGHT AND SOUND, BUT OF MIND,
A JOURNEY INTO A WONDROUS LAND
WHOSE BOUNDARIES
ARE THAT OF IMAGINATION.
YOUR NEXT STOP,
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
( piano playing ragtime)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
MR. MULLIGAN, A RATHER
DOUR CRITIC OF HIS TIMES,
IS SHORTLY TO DISCOVER THE
IMPORT OF THAT OLD PHRASE,
"OUT OF THE FRYING
PAN, INTO THE FIRE"...
SAID FIRE BURNING
BRIGHTLY AT ALL TIMES
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
( piano playing ragtime)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
( horns honking)
YOU BETTER MOVE, MISTER.
GET OUT OF THE STREET.
( squawking)
YOU WANT TO GET
YOURSELF KILLED?!
HEY, GET OUT OF THERE.
( horns honking)
( jackhammer pounding)
( pounding)
( up-tempo jazz blaring)
( pounding)
( horn honking)
HARMONY?
HEY!
( whistle blowing)
HEY!
HEY! THAT'S MINE!
THERE'S NOTHING GOING
ON AROUND HERE, SERGEANT.
EVERYTHING'S AS
QUIET AS A... MOUSE!
HEY, YOU!
CALL YOU BACK, SERGEANT.
HEY!
STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!
OH!
YOU JUVENILE DELINQUENT, YOU!
( screeches)
( screams)
( grunts)
( yells)
OH, NO!
IT'S BROKEN.
HOW AM I GOING TO GET BACK NOW?
I ONLY GOT 15 MINUTES.
LET ME TRY TO
UNDERSTAND THIS, SIR.
YOU HAVE THIS
FUNNY-LOOKING HAT, NO PANTS,
AND YOU'VE GOT TO
GET BACK TO SOMEWHERE
WITHIN 15 MINUTES?
RIGHT.
THIS IS A TIME HELMET.
I'M FROM 1890.
THAT'S WHERE I'VE
GOT TO GET BACK TO.
AND YOUR TROUSERS?
I HUNG THEM UP TO DRY IN 1890.
YOU'RE FROM 1890?
WHAT PROOF HAVE YOU?
PROOF?
YES. AH! THAT WATCH.
THOSE CLOTHES.
WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?
THEY'RE MINE.
IS IT POSSIBLE?!
QUICKLY... WHO IS THE PRESIDENT?
YOU MEAN BENJAMIN HARRISON?
BENJAMIN HARRISON.
AND BEFORE HIM?
GROVER CLEVELAND.
BUT WHAT'S THAT...?
( bellows): BY GEORGE!
I BELIEVE YOU, SIR!
YOU ARE FROM 1890!
WELL, THAT'S NO NEWS TO ME.
HOW TO GET BACK WOULD BE NEWS.
AND THIS IS THE DEVICE, EH?
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WELL, YOU... WELL, I DON'T KNOW!
SEE, I'M ONLY THE JANITOR.
JANITOR, HMM?
HMM. PRIMITIVE, BUT FUNCTIONAL.
YES, YES, YES.
FASCINATING.
OH! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
PROPRIETOR!
PROPRI... YEAH?
WOULD YOU COME
HERE A MOMENT, PLEASE?
( clears throat)
YES, PLEASE.
WHAT IS IT?
CAN YOU FIX IT?
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING.
GOOD.
THURSDAY, ABOUT 2:00.
THURSDAY?! THURSDAY?!
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS MAN MUST GET BACK TO 1890.
OH, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BLOCK.
THIS IS ONLY 1600.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S A TIME HELMET.
AND THIS MAN IS
FROM THE YEAR 1890.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF NUT?
I'M AN ELECTRONIC SCIENTIST.
NOW, JUST LEND ME THOSE TOOLS...
DON'T TOUCH!
Scientist: BUT THIS IS...
Repairman: DON'T TOUCH...
DON'T TOUCH THE TOOLS!
LISTEN TO ME.
HOWDY.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YEAH.
THAT MAN DOESN'T
HAVE ALL HIS BUTTONS.
OH, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, HUH?
WELL, I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
LOOK AT THESE PAPERS.
Scientist: WE BARELY
HAVE 15 MINUTES
TO GET BACK TO
HIS TIME CONTINUUM.
IF YOU'LL REPAIR... EXCUSE ME.
THIS FELLER SAYS
HE HASN'T GOT ALL HIS BUTTONS.
WHAT'S HE MEAN,
HE HAS NO BUTTONS?
MEANS HE HAS NO
MENTAL FACILITIES, YES?
WHO SAID THAT?
THIS FELLER HERE IN THE WINDOW.
THAT'S TV!
WHO'S TV?
TV... TELEVISION.
OH, YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND IF I TOLD...
WHAT ON EARTH ARE
YOU DOING, YOUNG MAN?
DON'T DO THAT TO ME, PAL.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
ALL WE WANT IS THIS
SOLDERED TO THAT.
DON'T TOUCH THE TOOLS, WILL YOU?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
D-D-DON'T TOUCH MY
TOOLS, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
LOOK, ALLOW ME TO
SHOW THIS TO YOU.
( yells): DON'T TOUCH THE TOOLS!
( vacuum cleaner
whirring loudly)
( loudly): WHAT DID YOU SAY?
( loudly): I'M TRYING
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU...
DON'T HOLLER. DON'T HOLLER!
YOU DON'T... JUST
A MOMENT, PLEASE.
( shuts vacuum cleaner off)
NOW... HELP!
HELP!
H-H-HELP!
H-H-HE... WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN HERE?!
NOW, LOOK, WE WANT TO GET
THIS THING FINISHED IN TIME.
JUST SIT DOWN QUIETLY, PLEASE.
NOW.
Repairman: YOU SURE THIS ISN'T
SOME KIND OF A COFFEE MAKER?
NO, SIR, THAT'S A
VERY SCIENTIFIC
PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.
( vacuum cleaner starts again)
( shuts vacuum cleaner off)
FIVE DOLLARS, PLEASE.
WHAT IS THAT LITTLE
THING IN THERE?
OH, WELL, THAT, YOU SEE...
THAT IS A TRANSITRON.
DON'T... DON'T TOUCH MY TOOLS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
I'M MERELY TRYING TO
POINT OUT TO YOU THAT,
IN ORDER TO FACILITATE THAT...
DON'T POINT WITH
MY TOOLS, PLEASE.
WOULD YOU ALLOW ME TO
PLEASE MAKE THIS CLEAR TO YOU?
DON'T YOU UNDERSTA...?
THAT'S MINE!
OH, JUST A MOMENT!
( turns off vacuum cleaner)
NOW WHERE HAS HE GONE?
COME ON OUT.
WILL YOU COME OUT?!
JUST KEEP WORKING.
KEEP WORKING!
( honking)
HEY... WHAT'S THE IDEA
OF RUNNING AROUND THE STREET
WITH NO PANTS ON?
ALLEY... OOP!
WELL, IS IT READY?
COUPLE OF SMALL,
MINOR ADJUSTMENTS,
YOU'LL BE ALL SET.
I ENVY YOU YOUR TRIP, SIR.
1890 IS A WONDERFUL PERIOD.
MMM. FOR INSTANCE,
NO INCOME TAX.
INCOME TAX?
I AM A SCHOLAR OF
THAT PERIOD, SIR.
IT HAS A CHARM... NAY,
A FASCINATION... FOR ME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
OF HAVING LIVED IN
THOSE HALCYON DAYS...
I'LL SURE BE GLAD TO GET BACK.
IF I EVER DO.
HOW MUCH TIME IS THERE LEFT?
OH... WE GOT LESS
THAN FIVE MINUTES!
MMM. TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR TOWN, SIR.
WHERE, FOR INSTANCE, MIGHT
A SCIENTIST FIND EMPLOYMENT?
YOU A SCIENTIST?
YES. ARE THERE ANY IN YOUR TOWN?
WELL, PROFESSOR GILBERT.
I WORK FOR HIM.
THERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN.
ALL FIXED.
GOOD. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
UH... PAY ME.
HMM?
PAY THE MAN, PAY THE MAN.
AH! THAT'S JUST
THE RIGHT AMOUNT.
THANK YOU.
UH... HOW DOES IT WORK?
OH, YOU JUST SET THIS DIAL.
( fires)
GOOD!
( laughs)
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I INTEND TO USE IT MYSELF
IN EXACTLY THREE MINUTES.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
BUT I AM DOING IT, SIR.
I'M RETURNING TO
THAT TIME OF BLISS
AND SIMPLE PLEASURES!
AND LEAVING ME HERE?
YOUR FATE IS UNIMPORTANT, SIR.
YOU ARE A JANITOR.
I AM A SCIENTIST!
WHY, I... STAND BACK!
IN LESS THAN THREE MINUTES,
I SHALL HAVE ESCAPED
THIS AGE OF MADNESS!
LOOK, LOOK.
I BROUGHT A CHICKEN WITH ME
ALL THE WAY FROM 1890.
ALL I DID WAS HOLD IT.
WE CAN GO BACK TOGETHER.
YOU'RE LYING, SIR.
I AM NOT.
( yells)
( honking)
( honking)
( screeching)
HEY, LOOK OUT!
Motorist: GET THAT
NUT OUT OF HERE.
1890, HERE I COME.
( honking continues)
( piano playing ragtime)
"TO EACH HIS OWN."
SO GOES ANOTHER OLD PHRASE
TO WHICH MR. WOODROW MULLIGAN
WOULD HEARTILY SUBSCRIBE.
FOR HE HAS LEARNED,
DEFINITELY THE HARD WAY,
THAT THERE IS MUCH
WISDOM IN A THIRD OLD PHRASE
WHICH GOES AS FOLLOWS:
"STAY IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD."
TO WHICH IT MIGHT BE ADDED,
"AND, IF POSSIBLE, ASSIST
OTHERS TO STAY IN THEIRS."
VIA, OF COURSE,
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Announcer: ROD SERLING,
CREATOR OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE,
WILL TELL YOU ABOUT
NEXT WEEK'S STORY
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE,
YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF
INEXPLICABLY ENTANGLED
IN THIS DARK DUNGEON.
YOU'LL MEET AN INCREDIBLE
GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO, LIKE YOU,
WILL BE QUITE UNABLE TO
EXPLAIN HOW THEY GOT THERE,
WHY THEY GOT THERE, OR
HOW THEY'RE GOING TO GET OUT.
AND, AT THE END, WE'RE
GOING TO BELT YOU
WITH ONE OF THE MOST
SURPRISING ENDINGS WE'VE EVER HAD.
NEXT WEEK, "FIVE CHARACTERS
IN SEARCH OF AN EXIT"
ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Announcer: SEAT BELTS CAN REDUCE
SERIOUS INJURY BY ONE-THIRD.
DOES YOUR FAMILY HAVE
THE SECURITY OF SEAT BELTS?
YOU'RE TRAVELING THROUGH
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION NOT ONLY OF
SIGHT AND SOUND, BUT OF MIND,
A JOURNEY INTO A WONDROUS LAND
WHOSE BOUNDARIES
ARE THAT OF IMAGINATION.
YOUR NEXT STOP,
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
( piano playing ragtime)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
MR. MULLIGAN, A RATHER
DOUR CRITIC OF HIS TIMES,
IS SHORTLY TO DISCOVER THE
IMPORT OF THAT OLD PHRASE,
"OUT OF THE FRYING
PAN, INTO THE FIRE"...
SAID FIRE BURNING
BRIGHTLY AT ALL TIMES
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
( piano playing ragtime)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
( horns honking)
YOU BETTER MOVE, MISTER.
GET OUT OF THE STREET.
( squawking)
YOU WANT TO GET
YOURSELF KILLED?!
HEY, GET OUT OF THERE.
( horns honking)
( jackhammer pounding)
( pounding)
( up-tempo jazz blaring)
( pounding)
( horn honking)
HARMONY?
HEY!
( whistle blowing)
HEY!
HEY! THAT'S MINE!
THERE'S NOTHING GOING
ON AROUND HERE, SERGEANT.
EVERYTHING'S AS
QUIET AS A... MOUSE!
HEY, YOU!
CALL YOU BACK, SERGEANT.
HEY!
STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!
OH!
YOU JUVENILE DELINQUENT, YOU!
( screeches)
( screams)
( grunts)
( yells)
OH, NO!
IT'S BROKEN.
HOW AM I GOING TO GET BACK NOW?
I ONLY GOT 15 MINUTES.
LET ME TRY TO
UNDERSTAND THIS, SIR.
YOU HAVE THIS
FUNNY-LOOKING HAT, NO PANTS,
AND YOU'VE GOT TO
GET BACK TO SOMEWHERE
WITHIN 15 MINUTES?
RIGHT.
THIS IS A TIME HELMET.
I'M FROM 1890.
THAT'S WHERE I'VE
GOT TO GET BACK TO.
AND YOUR TROUSERS?
I HUNG THEM UP TO DRY IN 1890.
YOU'RE FROM 1890?
WHAT PROOF HAVE YOU?
PROOF?
YES. AH! THAT WATCH.
THOSE CLOTHES.
WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?
THEY'RE MINE.
IS IT POSSIBLE?!
QUICKLY... WHO IS THE PRESIDENT?
YOU MEAN BENJAMIN HARRISON?
BENJAMIN HARRISON.
AND BEFORE HIM?
GROVER CLEVELAND.
BUT WHAT'S THAT...?
( bellows): BY GEORGE!
I BELIEVE YOU, SIR!
YOU ARE FROM 1890!
WELL, THAT'S NO NEWS TO ME.
HOW TO GET BACK WOULD BE NEWS.
AND THIS IS THE DEVICE, EH?
HOW DOES IT WORK?
WELL, YOU... WELL, I DON'T KNOW!
SEE, I'M ONLY THE JANITOR.
JANITOR, HMM?
HMM. PRIMITIVE, BUT FUNCTIONAL.
YES, YES, YES.
FASCINATING.
OH! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
PROPRIETOR!
PROPRI... YEAH?
WOULD YOU COME
HERE A MOMENT, PLEASE?
( clears throat)
YES, PLEASE.
WHAT IS IT?
CAN YOU FIX IT?
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING.
GOOD.
THURSDAY, ABOUT 2:00.
THURSDAY?! THURSDAY?!
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS MAN MUST GET BACK TO 1890.
OH, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BLOCK.
THIS IS ONLY 1600.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S A TIME HELMET.
AND THIS MAN IS
FROM THE YEAR 1890.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF NUT?
I'M AN ELECTRONIC SCIENTIST.
NOW, JUST LEND ME THOSE TOOLS...
DON'T TOUCH!
Scientist: BUT THIS IS...
Repairman: DON'T TOUCH...
DON'T TOUCH THE TOOLS!
LISTEN TO ME.
HOWDY.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YEAH.
THAT MAN DOESN'T
HAVE ALL HIS BUTTONS.
OH, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, HUH?
WELL, I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
LOOK AT THESE PAPERS.
Scientist: WE BARELY
HAVE 15 MINUTES
TO GET BACK TO
HIS TIME CONTINUUM.
IF YOU'LL REPAIR... EXCUSE ME.
THIS FELLER SAYS
HE HASN'T GOT ALL HIS BUTTONS.
WHAT'S HE MEAN,
HE HAS NO BUTTONS?
MEANS HE HAS NO
MENTAL FACILITIES, YES?
WHO SAID THAT?
THIS FELLER HERE IN THE WINDOW.
THAT'S TV!
WHO'S TV?
TV... TELEVISION.
OH, YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND IF I TOLD...
WHAT ON EARTH ARE
YOU DOING, YOUNG MAN?
DON'T DO THAT TO ME, PAL.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
ALL WE WANT IS THIS
SOLDERED TO THAT.
DON'T TOUCH THE TOOLS, WILL YOU?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
D-D-DON'T TOUCH MY
TOOLS, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
LOOK, ALLOW ME TO
SHOW THIS TO YOU.
( yells): DON'T TOUCH THE TOOLS!
( vacuum cleaner
whirring loudly)
( loudly): WHAT DID YOU SAY?
( loudly): I'M TRYING
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU...
DON'T HOLLER. DON'T HOLLER!
YOU DON'T... JUST
A MOMENT, PLEASE.
( shuts vacuum cleaner off)
NOW... HELP!
HELP!
H-H-HELP!
H-H-HE... WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN HERE?!
NOW, LOOK, WE WANT TO GET
THIS THING FINISHED IN TIME.
JUST SIT DOWN QUIETLY, PLEASE.
NOW.
Repairman: YOU SURE THIS ISN'T
SOME KIND OF A COFFEE MAKER?
NO, SIR, THAT'S A
VERY SCIENTIFIC
PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.
( vacuum cleaner starts again)
( shuts vacuum cleaner off)
FIVE DOLLARS, PLEASE.
WHAT IS THAT LITTLE
THING IN THERE?
OH, WELL, THAT, YOU SEE...
THAT IS A TRANSITRON.
DON'T... DON'T TOUCH MY TOOLS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
I'M MERELY TRYING TO
POINT OUT TO YOU THAT,
IN ORDER TO FACILITATE THAT...
DON'T POINT WITH
MY TOOLS, PLEASE.
WOULD YOU ALLOW ME TO
PLEASE MAKE THIS CLEAR TO YOU?
DON'T YOU UNDERSTA...?
THAT'S MINE!
OH, JUST A MOMENT!
( turns off vacuum cleaner)
NOW WHERE HAS HE GONE?
COME ON OUT.
WILL YOU COME OUT?!
JUST KEEP WORKING.
KEEP WORKING!
( honking)
HEY... WHAT'S THE IDEA
OF RUNNING AROUND THE STREET
WITH NO PANTS ON?
ALLEY... OOP!
WELL, IS IT READY?
COUPLE OF SMALL,
MINOR ADJUSTMENTS,
YOU'LL BE ALL SET.
I ENVY YOU YOUR TRIP, SIR.
1890 IS A WONDERFUL PERIOD.
MMM. FOR INSTANCE,
NO INCOME TAX.
INCOME TAX?
I AM A SCHOLAR OF
THAT PERIOD, SIR.
IT HAS A CHARM... NAY,
A FASCINATION... FOR ME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
OF HAVING LIVED IN
THOSE HALCYON DAYS...
I'LL SURE BE GLAD TO GET BACK.
IF I EVER DO.
HOW MUCH TIME IS THERE LEFT?
OH... WE GOT LESS
THAN FIVE MINUTES!
MMM. TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR TOWN, SIR.
WHERE, FOR INSTANCE, MIGHT
A SCIENTIST FIND EMPLOYMENT?
YOU A SCIENTIST?
YES. ARE THERE ANY IN YOUR TOWN?
WELL, PROFESSOR GILBERT.
I WORK FOR HIM.
THERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN.
ALL FIXED.
GOOD. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
UH... PAY ME.
HMM?
PAY THE MAN, PAY THE MAN.
AH! THAT'S JUST
THE RIGHT AMOUNT.
THANK YOU.
UH... HOW DOES IT WORK?
OH, YOU JUST SET THIS DIAL.
( fires)
GOOD!
( laughs)
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I INTEND TO USE IT MYSELF
IN EXACTLY THREE MINUTES.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
BUT I AM DOING IT, SIR.
I'M RETURNING TO
THAT TIME OF BLISS
AND SIMPLE PLEASURES!
AND LEAVING ME HERE?
YOUR FATE IS UNIMPORTANT, SIR.
YOU ARE A JANITOR.
I AM A SCIENTIST!
WHY, I... STAND BACK!
IN LESS THAN THREE MINUTES,
I SHALL HAVE ESCAPED
THIS AGE OF MADNESS!
LOOK, LOOK.
I BROUGHT A CHICKEN WITH ME
ALL THE WAY FROM 1890.
ALL I DID WAS HOLD IT.
WE CAN GO BACK TOGETHER.
YOU'RE LYING, SIR.
I AM NOT.
( yells)
( honking)
( honking)
( screeching)
HEY, LOOK OUT!
Motorist: GET THAT
NUT OUT OF HERE.
1890, HERE I COME.
( honking continues)
( piano playing ragtime)
"TO EACH HIS OWN."
SO GOES ANOTHER OLD PHRASE
TO WHICH MR. WOODROW MULLIGAN
WOULD HEARTILY SUBSCRIBE.
FOR HE HAS LEARNED,
DEFINITELY THE HARD WAY,
THAT THERE IS MUCH
WISDOM IN A THIRD OLD PHRASE
WHICH GOES AS FOLLOWS:
"STAY IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD."
TO WHICH IT MIGHT BE ADDED,
"AND, IF POSSIBLE, ASSIST
OTHERS TO STAY IN THEIRS."
VIA, OF COURSE,
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Announcer: ROD SERLING,
CREATOR OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE,
WILL TELL YOU ABOUT
NEXT WEEK'S STORY
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE,
YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF
INEXPLICABLY ENTANGLED
IN THIS DARK DUNGEON.
YOU'LL MEET AN INCREDIBLE
GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO, LIKE YOU,
WILL BE QUITE UNABLE TO
EXPLAIN HOW THEY GOT THERE,
WHY THEY GOT THERE, OR
HOW THEY'RE GOING TO GET OUT.
AND, AT THE END, WE'RE
GOING TO BELT YOU
WITH ONE OF THE MOST
SURPRISING ENDINGS WE'VE EVER HAD.
NEXT WEEK, "FIVE CHARACTERS
IN SEARCH OF AN EXIT"
ON THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Announcer: SEAT BELTS CAN REDUCE
SERIOUS INJURY BY ONE-THIRD.
DOES YOUR FAMILY HAVE
THE SECURITY OF SEAT BELTS?