The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Night of the Meek - full transcript

( eerie music)

YOU'RE TRAVELING THROUGH
ANOTHER DIMENSION...

A DIMENSION NOT ONLY OF
SIGHT AND SOUND, BUT OF MIND.

A JOURNEY INTO A WONDROUS LAND

WHOSE BOUNDARIES
ARE THAT OF IMAGINATION.

THAT'S THE SIGNPOST UP AHEAD.

YOUR NEXT STOP,
THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

( "Jingle Bells" plays)

( people talking)

I TOLD YOU THAT SANTA
CLAUS SHOULD BE BACK BY 6:00.

Boy: COME ON, MOM, LET'S GO.



( people grumbling)

HEY, YOU TOLD ME TO
TELL YOU WHEN IT WAS 6:30.

IT'S 6:30.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S EXACTLY 6:30.

SO... SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

YOU TURN INTO A REINDEER?

WOULD THAT I COULD.

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

YOU OWE ME FOR SIX
DRINKS AND A SANDWICH.

THAT'S $3.80.

( knocking on window)

( cash register rings)

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THERE
ISN'T REALLY A SANTA CLAUS?



HOW'S THAT?

WHY ISN'T THERE A REAL SANTA
CLAUS... FOR KIDS LIKE THAT?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE...
SOME KIND OF PHILOSOPHER?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR TROUBLE IS?

YOU LET THAT DOPEY RED
SUIT GO TO YOUR HEAD.

ARE YOU SOME KIND OF A NUT?

HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.

I'LL FLIP YOU...
DOUBLE OR NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
THIS IS, MONTE CARLO?

FINISH AND GET OUT.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH... TO EAT.

( phone rings)

HELLO, JACK'S PLACE.

NO, JACK'S NOT HERE.

THIS IS BRUCE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

SANTA CLAUS, I CATCH
YOU TRYING THAT

ONE MORE TIME

I'M GOING TO BREAK
BOTH YOUR ARMS

UP TO THE SHOULDER BLADES.

NOW, GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.

WHAT'S THAT?

NO, IT'S JUST SANTA CLAUS
TRYING TO HEIST THE JOINT.

THANKS A LOT, BRUCE.

( car horn honks)

PLEASE, SANTA

I WANT A CARRIAGE AND A DOLLY...

PLEASE, I WANT A GUN...
AND A PLAYHOUSE...

AND A SET OF SOLDIERS

AND A FORT... AND OH,
PLEASE, SANTA CLAUS

A JOB FOR MY DADDY.

PLEASE, A BIG TURKEY

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER.

( crying)

THIS IS MR. HENRY CORWIN,
NORMALLY UNEMPLOYED

WHO ONCE A YEAR
TAKES THE LEAD ROLE

IN THE UNIQUELY POPULAR
AMERICAN INSTITUTION

THAT OF A DEPARTMENT
STORE SANTA CLAUS

IN A ROAD COMPANY VERSION
OF THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

BUT IN JUST A MOMENT, MR. HENRY
CORWIN, ERSATZ SANTA CLAUS

WILL ENTER A STRANGE
KIND OF NORTH POLE

WHICH IS ONE PART THE
WONDROUS SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

AND ONE PART THE MAGIC
THAT CAN ONLY BE FOUND

IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

( "O Come, All
Ye Faithful" plays)

YOU SHOULD SEE ME
WITH ERECTOR SETS.

CORWIN, YOU'RE AN HOUR LATE!

I AM?

NOW, YOU GET UP ON YOUR THRONE

AND SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP FROM
DISILLUSIONING A LOT OF KIDS

THAT NOT ONLY ISN'T
THERE A SANTA CLAUS

BUT THE ONE IN THIS STORE
HAPPENS TO BE A WINO

WHO'D BE MORE AT HOME PLAYING
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER.

NOW, GET WITH IT, SANTA CLAUS!

( people chatting)

YOU GO AHEAD.

YOU CLIMB UP ON HIS LAP.

GO AHEAD, HE WON'T HURT YOU

WILL YOU, SANTA CLAUS?

YOU WON'T HURT MY LITTLE BOY.

GO ON, TELL HIM!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

PERCIVAL SMITHERS.

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS, PERCIVAL?

A NEW FRONT NAME.

PERCY!

I THINK WE HAVE...
( crowd gasps)

LOOK, MOM!

SANTA CLAUS IS LOADED.

YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE!

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED.

MADAM... I AM ASHAMED.

COME ON, PERCIVAL.

I HOPE THIS WON'T BE

A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE FOR YOU.

SOT!

IS THERE SOME TROUBLE HERE?

YES, THERE'S SOME TROUBLE.

I SHALL NEVER TRADE
IN THIS STORE AGAIN.

IT SEEMS YOU HIRE
YOUR SANTA CLAUSES

OUT OF A GUTTER.

ALL RIGHT, BACK TO WORK.

BACK TO YOUR POSITIONS, PLEASE.

AND NOW, MR. KRIS KRINGLE
OF THE LOWER DEPTHS

SINCE IT IS ONLY A FEW
HOURS TO CLOSING TIME

IT IS MY DISTINCT
PLEASURE TO TELL YOU

THAT THERE IS NO MORE
NEED FOR YOUR SERVICES.

YOU HAVE HAD IT!

NOW, GET OUT HERE!

I'D BE VERY GLAD TO.

AND GET THAT
CRUMMY RED SUIT BACK

TO WHEREVER YOU RENTED IT FROM

BEFORE YOU REALLY TIE
ONE ON AND DESTROY IT.

YOU DRUNK!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. DUNDEE.

AS TO MY DRINKING,
THIS IS INDEFENSIBLE

AND YOU HAVE MY
ABJECT APOLOGIES.

I FIND OF LATE THAT I
HAVE VERY LITTLE CHOICE

IN THE MATTER OF
EXPRESSING EMOTIONS.

I CAN EITHER DRINK OR I CAN WEEP

AND DRINKING IS SO
MUCH MORE SUBTLE.

WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

AS FOR MY INSUBORDINATION

I WAS NOT RUDE TO THAT WOMAN.

SOMEONE SHOULD REMIND
HER THAT CHRISTMAS

IS MORE THAN BARGING UP AND
DOWN DEPARTMENT STORE AISLES

AND PUSHING PEOPLE
OUT OF THE WAY.

NOW, CORWIN...
SOMEONE HAS TO TELL HER

THAT CHRISTMAS IS ANOTHER
THING, FINER THAN THAT...

RICHER, FINER, TRUER

AND IT SHOULD COME WITH PATIENCE
AND LOVE, CHARITY, COMPASSION.

THAT'S WHAT I
WOULD HAVE TOLD HER

IF YOU'D GIVEN ME THE CHANCE.

WELL, HOW
PHILOSOPHICAL MR. CORWIN.

NOW, PERHAPS AS
YOUR PARTING WORD

YOU CAN TELL US
HOW WE CAN GO ABOUT

LIVING UP TO THESE
WONDROUS YULE STANDARDS

WHICH YOU HAVE SO GRACIOUSLY

LAID DOWN FOR US.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
TELL YOU, MR. DUNDEE.

I DON'T KNOW AT ALL.

ALL I KNOW IS

THAT I'M AN AGING,
PURPOSELESS RELIC

OF ANOTHER TIME

AND I LIVE IN A DIRTY
ROOMING HOUSE

ON A STREET

FILLED WITH HUNGRY
KIDS AND SHABBY PEOPLE

WHERE THE ONLY THING

THAT COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY

ON CHRISTMAS EVE
IS MORE POVERTY.

WILL YOU KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN?

DO YOU KNOW ANOTHER REASON

WHY I DRINK, MR. DUNDEE?

SO THAT WHEN I WALK
DOWN THE TENEMENTS

I CAN REALLY THINK
IT'S THE NORTH POLE

AND THE CHILDREN ARE ELVES
AND THAT I'M REALLY SANTA CLAUS

BRINGING THEM A BAG
OF WONDROUS GIFTS

FOR ALL OF THEM.

I JUST WISH, MR. DUNDEE,
ON ONE CHRISTMAS...

ONLY ONE...

THAT I COULD SEE SOME
OF THE HOPELESS ONES...

AND THE DREAMLESS ONES...

JUST ON ONE CHRISTMAS

I'D LIKE TO SEE THE
MEEK INHERIT THE EARTH.

AND THAT'S WHY I
DRINK, MR. DUNDEE...

( sniffs)

AND THAT'S WHY I WEEP.

( knocking at door)

GEORGE, YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

HEY, LOOK. IT'S SANTA CLAUS!

LOOK, THERE'S SANTA CLAUS.

COME ON IN.

NAH, NAH. GO ON, GET LOST.

GET OUT OF HERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

SANTA'S A LUSH.

( sleigh bells ringing)

( sleigh bells ring again)

( cat howls)

( cat growls)

( trash can lid
crashes to ground)

( sleigh bells ringing)

HEY, EVERYBODY!

HEY, KIDS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

HEY, KIDS! EVERYBODY!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

♪ JOY TO THE WORLD ♪

♪ THE LORD IS COME ♪

♪ LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING ♪

♪ LET EVERY HEART
PREPARE HIM ROOM ♪

♪ AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ♪

♪ AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ♪

♪ AND HEAVEN... ♪

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

WHAT'S THE IDEA OF COMING
IN HERE AND DISRUPTING

THE CHRISTMAS EVE SERVICE?

SISTER FLORENCE, I
AIN'T TOUCHED A DROP

SINCE LAST THURSDAY AND
THAT'S THE GOSPEL TRUTH.

( men laugh)

AND I SWEAR TO YOU

ON ACCOUNT OF I'VE SEEN
IT WITH MY OWN EYES...

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING DOWN
THE STREET HEADING THIS WAY

AND BRINGING EVERYBODY
HIS HEART'S DESIRE.

THERE'S A REAL,
HONEST-TO-GOODNESS SANTA...

MERRY CHRISTMAS, GENTLEMEN.

NOW, WHAT'LL BE YOUR PLEASURE

FOR CHRISTMAS, GENTLEMEN?

HOW ABOUT YOU, BURT?

I FANCY A NEW PIPE.

LET'S SEE WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU.

HERE'S YOUR NEW PIPE.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

I WANT A SWEATER.

A SWEATER... WHAT SIZE?

WHO CARES WHAT SIZE?

OH, THANK YOU.

COULD I HAVE A SMOKING JACKET?

A SMOKING JACKET
TO GO WITH THE PIPE.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN GET.

THERE'S YOUR SMOKING JACKET.

WHERE DID YOU GET
ALL THESE GIFTS?

SISTER FLORENCE
DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN.

I'M JUST AS MUCH IN THE
DARK AS ANYBODY ELSE.

ALL I KNOW IS I'VE GOT A
SANTA CLAUS BAG HERE

THAT GIVES EVERYBODY

EXACTLY WHAT THEY
WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

AND AS LONG AS IT'S PUTTING OUT

I'M PUTTING IN.

( men laugh)

SISTER FLORENCE, HOW
ABOUT A NEW DRESS?

GIVE THAT TO SISTER FLORENCE

WHEN SHE COMES BACK.

THANK YOU.

Man: A BOTTLE OF WINE.

( men yelling requests)

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
OFFICER, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

HENRY CORWIN... OR IS IT?

MAYBE IT'S SANTA CLAUS OR
KRIS KRINGLE... I DON'T KNOW.

( men laugh)

YOU'RE DRUNK,
CORWIN. IS THAT IT?

OF COURSE I'M DRUNK.

I'M INTOXICATED WITH
THE SPIRIT OF THE YULE.

DRUNK WITH THE
SPIRIT OF THE YULE.

INTOXICATED WITH THE MAGIC AND
WONDER THAT IS CHRISTMAS EVE.

I'M INEBRIATED WITH
JOY AND DELIGHT.

YES, OFFICER, I'M DRUNK.

WE'LL SETTLE THIS IN A HURRY.

HAVE YOU GOT A
RECEIPT FOR THIS STUFF?

RECEIPT?

OF COURSE YOU'VE GOT A RECEIPT.

NO.

SISTER FLORENCE

WOULD YOU PLEASE COLLECT
ALL THE STOLEN GOODS

AND PUT THEM IN
A PILE OVER THERE?

I'LL SEND FOR THEM

WHEN I CHECK ON WHO OWNS THEM.

COME ON, SANTA.

BE RIGHT WITH YOU, OFFICER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
A THING, GENTLEMEN.

THERE'S MORE WHERE
THIS CAME FROM.

OFFICER, LET ME TELL YOU
HOW THIS WHOLE THING STARTED.

I WAS HAVING A GLASS
DOWN AT JACK'S PLACE.

IT WAS JUST ABOUT 4:30 IN THE
AFTERNOON WHEN I GOT THERE.

Corwin: LIKE I SAID, OFFICER

I ARRIVED AT JACK'S
PLACE ABOUT 4:30...

BETWEEN 4:30 AND 5:00,
THE COCKTAIL HOUR.

JACK WASN'T THERE BUT BRUCE WAS.

I KNOW BRUCE, YES.

RIGHT HERE.

AFTER YOU.

I HAD A SANDWICH
THAT I COULDN'T FINISH

AND I GOT TO TALKING...

UH-HUH, HERE HE IS AND HERE
WE ARE AND THERE THAT IS.

AND HERE YOU ARE.

HOW NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, MR. DUNDEE.

AND HOW NICE IT WILL BE

TO SEE MY WISTFUL SAINT
NICHOLAS GOING UP THE RIVER.

DO YOU SUPPOSE HE CAN
GET AS MUCH TEN YEARS?

TEN YEARS?

WELL, IT DON'T
LOOK GOOD, CORWIN.

OF COURSE, THEY COULD
LOP OFF A FEW MONTHS

IF YOU WAS TO TELL THEM
WHERE THE REST OF THE LOOT WAS.

HE'S BEEN GIVING OUT THE
STUFF FOR TWO AND HALF HOURS.

HE MUST HAVE A
WAREHOUSE FULL OF IT.

I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.

THERE SEEMS TO BE

A SLIGHT DISCREPANCY HERE.

LISTEN, YOU
MOTH-EATEN ROBIN HOOD

THE WHOLESALE THEFT OF THOUSANDS
OF DOLLARS WORTH OF GOODS

IS NOT A SLIGHT DISCREPANCY.

THOUGH I CAN TELL
YOU RIGHT NOW, CORWIN

THIS WHOLE AFFAIR COMES
AS NO SURPRISE TO ME.

I'D PERCEIVED THAT
CRIMINAL GLINT IN YOUR EYES

THE FIRST MINUTE
I'D LAID EYES ON YOU.

( cat meows)

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'VE PUT YOUR FINGER

ON THE PROBLEM, MR. DUNDEE.

THIS BAG DOESN'T KNOW

WHETHER TO GIVE
OUT GIFTS OR GARBAGE.

IT WAS GIVING OUT
GIFTS WHEN I SEEN IT.

WHATEVER THEY WAS WANTING
CORWIN WAS SUPPLYING.

ALL KINDS OF STUFF... TOYS,
GIFTS, EXPENSIVE STUFF.

ADMIT IT, CORWIN.

OH, I ADMIT IT, I ADMIT IT.

BUT IT SEEMS TO ME THE
ESSENCE OF OUR PROBLEM IS

THAT WE'RE DEALING
WITH A MOST UNUSUAL BAG.

MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO CLEAN
UP THIS MESS AND GET OUT HERE.

OFFICER FLAHERTY, YOU
CALL YOURSELF A POLICEMAN.

WELL, I SUPPOSE IT
IS A DEMANDING TASK...

TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN
A BAG FULL OF GARBAGE

AND AN INVENTORY OF
EXPENSIVE STOLEN GIFTS.

MR. DUNDEE, BELIEVE ME.

IT'S LIKE CORWIN SAYS:

WE'RE DEALING WITH
THE SUPERNATURAL HERE.

IN OTHER WORDS

ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS TO ASK MR. CORWIN

TO MAKE A LITTLE
ABRACADABRA FOR US

AND NO SOONER SAID, DONE.

WELL, GO AHEAD, CORWIN.

I FANCY A BOTTLE
OF CHERRY BRANDY

VINTAGE 1903.

OH, THAT'S A GOOD YEAR.

AND AS FOR YOU, OFFICER FLAHERTY

HOW DARE YOU DRAG ME DOWN HERE

AT THE BUSIEST TIME OF THE YEAR

TO LOOK AT A BAG
FULL OF GARBAGE?

MR. DUNDEE... PARDON
ME, GENTLEMEN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO BOTH OF YOU!

"TO MR. DUNDEE, FROM SANTA."

HERE, MR, DUNDEE.

YOU NEED ONE.

HERE'S BEAUTIFUL
YELLOW SWEATER FOR YOU.

Boy: I WANT A TOY.

I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL
TOY FOR YOU.

I WANT AN ELECTRIC TRAIN ENGINE.

ELECTRIC TRAIN ENGINE?
DIESEL OR STEAM?

I DON'T CARE.

THERE IT IS.

I WANT A DOLLY.

YOU WANT A DOLLY.

A BLONDE, BRUNETTE... BLONDE!

HERE SHE IS.

I WANT A TOY, PLEASE.

OH, I'VE GOT ONE HERE FOR YOU.

RIGHT THERE, SWEETHEART.

I'VE GOT A BASEBALL BAT FOR YOU

AND A TOY DOG FOR YOU.

THANKS.

AND A BASEBALL MITT.

( clock chimes)

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

NOTHING FOR YOU THIS CHRISTMAS?

I THINK I'VE HAD THE
NICEST CHRISTMAS

SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME.

NOTHING FOR YOU.

NOTHING FOR
YOURSELF, NOT A THING.

YOU KNOW, I... I CAN'T
THINK OF ANYTHING I WANT.

I GUESS WHAT I'VE
REALLY WANTED IS...

TO BE THE BIGGEST
GIFT GIVER OF ALL TIMES

AND IN A WAY I THINK
I HAD THAT TONIGHT.

ALTHOUGH, IF I HAD MY CHOICE
OF ANY GIFT... ANY GIFT AT ALL...

I THINK I'D WISH I COULD
DO THIS EVERY YEAR.

THAT'D BE SOME GIFT
WOULDN'T IT, BURT?

OH, IT SURE WOULD.

GOD BLESS YOU, BURT

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO YOU, TOO, SANTA

AND THANKS FOR THE
SMOKING JACKET AND THE PIPE.

DON'T MENTION IT.

( yells)

WE'VE BEEN WAITING QUITE A WHILE

FOR YOU, SANTA CLAUS.

OH, NO.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

I SAID WE'VE BEEN
WAITING QUITE A WHILE

FOR YOU, SANTA CLAUS.

( giggles)

WE'VE GOT A YEAR OF
HARD WORK AHEAD OF US

TO GET READY FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS.

COME ON.

ARE YOU READY?

OH, YEAH.

( whistles)

( sleigh bells ringing)

GOING HOME, OFFICER FLAHERTY?

GOING HOME, MR. DUNDEE, AND YOU?

GOING HOME, OFFICER FLAHERTY.

THIS IS THE MOST
REMARKABLE CHRISTMAS EVE

I'VE EVER HAD.

( sleigh bells ringing)

FLAHERTY... I COULD
HAVE SWORN THAT I...

DID YOU SEE IT?

I THOUGHT I DID.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

I DON'T THINK I
OUGHT TO TELL YOU.

YOU MIGHT REPORT ME
FOR DRINKING ON DUTY.

GO AHEAD, WHAT DID YOU SEE?

IT WAS CORWIN, MR. DUNDEE

BIG AS LIFE IN A
SLEIGH WITH REINDEER

SITTING NEXT TO AN ELF

AND RIDING UP TOWARD THE SKY.

THAT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT

AIN'T IT, MR. DUNDEE?

FLAHERTY, YOU BETTER
COME HOME WITH ME

AND WE'LL POUR OUT
SOME HOT COFFEE

AND WE'LL POUR SOME BRANDY IN IT

AND WE'LL...

AND WE'LL THANK GOD
FOR MIRACLES, FLAHERTY.

A WORD TO THE WISE, TO ALL
THE CHILDREN OF THE 20th CENTURY

WHETHER THEIR CONCERN
BE PEDIATRICS OR GERIATRICS

WHETHER THEY CRAWL ON HANDS
AND KNEES AND WEAR DIAPERS

OR WALK WITH A CANE
AND COMB THEIR BEARDS.

THERE'S A WONDROUS
MAGIC TO CHRISTMAS

AND THERE'S A SPECIAL POWER
RESERVED FOR LITTLE PEOPLE.

IN SHORT, THERE'S NOTHING
MIGHTIER THAN THE MEEK.

THIS IS JAMES ARNESS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ONLY A SHORT
HOP FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE

TO DODGE CITY AND GUNSMOKE.

SATURDAY NIGHTS, OVER
MOST OF THESE STATIONS.