The Trip (2010–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Hydra to the Mani - full transcript

- I have to get the ferry.
- Okay.

Bye.

Morning.

Your breakfast.

You heard fireworks last night?
What was that about?

I woke up.
I thought I was in a war zone.

I watched them with Yolanda.

So, indoor fireworks as well as
outdoor fireworks, I'm imagining.

Well, I don't like to talk
about what I do, er…

What happens between me and a woman.

I think it's, er, indiscreet,



but suffice to say, er,
I stormed her decks, er,

climbed her riggings,
set fire to her mainsail,

- captured everyone onboard…
- Slit their throats?

No. No, no, no. That's horrible. No.

I treated all the prisoners
in accordance with

- the Geneva Convention. Yes, yes.
- The Geneva Convention.

I think she could be the one, you know?
Yolanda.

I do.

No. No, I don't think so.

- Too old?
- No. No, no. It's…

- Too Spanish?
- No. No.

Huh?

Oh, I think she's good.
She laughs at your jokes.

Which is important. It's important
to have a good sense of humour.



I didn't say
she had a good sense of humour.

I think when you get older,
making it to the laugh is important.

When you stop fancying each other
and you stop having sex,

you still make each other laugh.

Or you could probably make her laugh
while you're having sex.

Well, yeah, but that's nervous laughter.

You're terrified.

That's… I mean, you know,
a laugh's a laugh.

A laugh's a laugh.
You're not gonna turn it down.

Good morning. Kalimera.

- Morning. Kalimera.
- Did you enjoy your breakfast today?

- Delicious.
- Delicious. Yes, lovely.

Thank you. Shall I have your bags
to take them to the boat?

- Please.
- Yes, please.

- Mine are in my room, ready to go.
- And mine are in my room.

- Hello.
- Hello, sir.

Is one of you guys Christos?

- Yes.
- Oh, okay. Hi, Christos.

- How do you do?
- How are you doing? Very good.

- Hi, thank you.
- So, er…

We're good to go
to Monemvasia today, yeah?

Well, go to Monemvasia
is not possible.

- What?
- Because the weather is very bad.

Tell him we have to go today
'cause my wife is coming tomorrow.

We have to go.
We have appointments with people.

We have to go today.
My wife arrives tomorrow,

so we have to go today.

But you must to take another boat,

- ferry, more big.
- Okay.

- And you can go by him.
- And we can pay for that and take…

- Yes.
- And how… How much is that?

About 500 more.

- Bloody hell, 500?
- Euros.

Pay it, just pay the man.
I mean, we have to go.

Doesn't seem that windy to me.

Not any more than you'd expect.

I think you might have been conned.

It's choppy.
There are no small craft around.

Yeah, 500.

I think he saw you coming.

You know what I should have said to you
when he was, er, asking you for 500?

♪ Don't pay the ferryman

♪ Don't even fix a price

♪ Don't pay the ferryman

♪ Until he gets you to the other side

♪ There were voices in my head
"Don't do it!"

♪ Voices in my head, "Don't do it!

♪ And still those voices carried on

♪ Whatever you do

♪ Don't pay the ferryman

♪ Don't even fix a price

♪ Don't pay the ferryman

♪ Until he gets you to the other side ♪

You told me to pay him.

Yeah, I know. But I said I "should"
have listened to Chris.

Do you know what river
that's referring to?

The Styx.

- Do you know what that is?
- No.

The mythical subterranean river,

in Greek mythology. The river Styx.

You've been reading that
Stephen Fry book again, haven't you?

- There he is.
- There he is, John Bonham.

- James Taylor.
- James Taylor, yeah.

- Hello. Welcome back.
- Hey. Thank you very much.

- You have a good time in Hydra?
- Yeah, great. Amazing.

Excellent.

♪ Forever and ever

♪ Forever and ever

♪ You'll be the one

Well, it's not… It's…

♪ Who will shine…

It's falsetto, isn't it?

Well, it gets to falsetto.
It doesn't start falsetto.

It's… Okay. It's not…
No, it's not forever.

♪ Forever and ever…

♪ Ever and ever…

Don't start there, Steve.

As… As your proctologist,

I would advise you, do not start there.

Let's see what happens.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one…

Oh, now see what's happened.
Half the audience has left.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one

Hello, viewers.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one

♪ Who shines on me

♪ For all eternity…

To be fair, when Demis did it,
he had very…

♪ Forever and ever

♪ Forever and ever,
you'll be the one

- He used falsetto.
- Are you deliberately doing it badly?

♪ Who shines on me

Right. Okay, ready?

♪ For all eternity

- Can I have a go?
- Yeah, go on.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
You'll be the one

He didn't do that. He did falsetto.

He used falsetto.

Did I talk over you doing it

and tell you how to do it?

- No.
- No, because you don't know how to.

Well, obviously you don't know
how to do it 'cause it as falsetto.

- He went into falsetto.
- Ever and ever…

Yes, he went into it,
but I haven't reached that stage yet.

- Well, you did…
- He didn't start in falsetto.

- Did he, Steve?
- No. No.

Did I start in falsetto?

- No.
- So I was doing the same as Demis.

And when you got to the high notes,

- you also remained out of falsetto.
- Car!

Out of falsetto.

- Here we go.
- Even on the high notes.

Right. Here we go, here we go.

How about you do
a sponsored silence now for charity?

- Okay, go on.
- Here we go.

♪ Ever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one

♪ That shines on me

♪ Like the morning sun

♪ Ever and ever and ever and ever

♪ You'll be
be the one

♪ Who shines on me

♪ Like the morning sun

- It's not castrato.
- Wait, wait, wait.

♪ All my life and now

- ♪ I have been yearning…
- Shall I call an ambulance?

- Shall I call an ambulance?
- ♪ Every day with you

♪ My heart is turning

♪ Forever and ever… ♪

What the hell are you doing?
You're all over the place.

You were shocked
by the power of my falsetto.

♪ Forever and ever

♪ Forever and ever
you'll be the one

♪ Who shines on me

♪ For all eternity… ♪

- Hello?
- Hey, hello. You all right?

Yeah, very good, thank you.

- Is everything sorted?
- It is.

Emma's organised it all.
She says it'll be fine.

- Hello?
- Hey, Katherine.

Er, it's… Erm, it's Steve.
How are you?

Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
What can I do for you?

I'm trying to get Joe.
He's not answering his mobile.

Is he there?

- Er, yep, yep.
- Oh, good.

I'm sorry about your dad, by the way.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Joe's here. Have a chat with him.

Take care, Okay? Bye.

- Thanks, love.
- Thanks.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, how are you doing?

- Yeah, I'm all right, thank you.
- Good, good.

- How are you?
- Great, great.

Listen, how's Grandad?

Oh, he's okay.

You know, I mean same as yesterday.

He seems… He seems stable.

What's amazing about the Mani

is that thousands of years ago
when it was ruled by…

When Sparta was the most powerful
nation state in Ancient Greece,

to be part of the ruling council

- you had to be over 60 years old.
- Yes.

- I will be too young…
- Yes, yes.

- … to be part of the government.
- Would you think…

I'd be like some young rapscallion.

The ruling council would be there
in their robes, the elders, very wise

and I'd be hanging around,
they'd be going,

"Get out of here, Steve,
you silly young thing."

You'd be looked upon
as a young whippersnapper.

Yeah, a rapscallion.

- Bit of a danger.
- A young Turk.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Man about town.

It's very in keeping
with how things have ended up now.

If you look at the age
of politicians now, er,

Trump is 73, 74.

Bernie Sanders, er, is older.

Reagan, when he was President,
was 78!

- Yeah.
- Could you imagine that?

I would have no interest.

I… I'm 54.

- I don't wanna run…
- Yeah.

I don't wanna run a newsagent,
never mind running the country.

It's hard being a politician. You…

You're up at the crack of dawn
to go on Radio 4,

- stay up late to go on Newsnight.
- Yeah. Well, they're passionate.

- I would rather be at home…
- They're driven.

- … in bed with my wife. Asleep.
- Yeah.

Well, in Ancient Greece,
they drew lots to decide who should…

- Yes, it was totally democratic.
- It was very healthy.

But you could end up with an idiot.

Yes, but they're balanced.
By the law of averages,

you're gonna end up
with some people who reflect society…

- But imagine one idiot.
- It's like jury service, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- You weed out some of the idiots

in jury service. Any racists or morons.

I've never done jury service.
Do you think I've been weeded out?

I don't think…
I think you're on the list,

but you're kind of quite low
down the bottom.

Is that why?

- I've assumed I'd been lucky.
- No, no.

Would you ever run for public office?

No. No.

Because you'd be a great orator,
wouldn't you?

- With your skills of speaking.
- I don't…

You're worried they've been
digging through your past?

No, I don't. I'm not bothered.
No, I'm not worried about that.

'Cause that's a pro nowadays.

I mean, look at…
Look at some of these people.

Look at your Trumps and your Johnsons.

- They've all done stuff.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, you know…
- They're not on your level, but…

If you think about Heracles,

- he was someone…
- "Heracles?" Don't you mean "Hercules"?

Er, if you're using the Roman name,
then yes, it'd be Hercules.

- I only know him from the film.
- Okay.

Well, Heracles, er,
is the Greek name for him.

He murdered his wife and children.

You know Schwarzenegger played him
in the movie.

Okay, the labours of Hercules,
if you like…

- Hercules in New York.
- Yes… was if you…

One of his first movies.

Thank you. From a Christian perspective

is basically him serving his penance.

Can't even imagine Christianity

forgiving a man
for murdering his wife and children.

- Well, you're quite right, too.
- Well, yes…

Mr Coogan, are you suggesting that

the man standing before us today

who murdered his wife and children
should be forgiven?

Hercules, Arnold played him

in Hercules in New York.

- Hercules in New York.
- It was one of my first films.

"One of my first…"
You sound a bit like, er,

- Werner Herzog there.
- That is right. That's what I was doing.

I was doing Werner.

It was one of my first films.

It was very hard to do.

I had to get Arnold Schwarzenegger
to do it for me.

My name is Giorgio.
Everybody calls me George.

- Anyway, erm…
- Remember that?

The point is, the depiction of a deity

is one way. It's a flawed individual.

All the Greek gods are flawed.
They all murdered their wives.

The kids murdered the husbands,
the husbands…

They're all murdering each other
all the time.

- Right.
- I mean, bloody hell, they…

They even eat the kids sometimes.

So, so, so you're…

And vomit them back up whole.

So, we are going to start
with one salad.

- Good idea.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Marvellous.

Yeah, perfect.

Make some space
and put it into the middle.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Thank you.

One Mediterranean dip. And just
one moment for the bread, please.

- Thank you.
- Already enjoy.

Thank you.

- She's a charming…
- Did you hear that?

- Charming little thing.
- "Already enjoy".

- Already enjoy.
- What a lovely slogan.

- Yes, it is.
- I'd like to have that on a T-shirt.

- Yeah, well…
- Already enjoy.

… you're a bit old for T-shirts
with slogans on,

if you don't mind me saying.

- So, some bread.
- Thank you very much.

My friend was just saying, what a lovely
thing to say, "already enjoy".

Now you can enjoy completely.

Imagine it on a T-shirt.

- Yes. It would be nice.
- Yes?

He's too old to have T-shirts
with logos on.

You're never too old for this.

No, I think, yeah.
That's a nice thing to say.

Just to be clear,
"No, you're never too old."

- I know.
- Enjoy.

Thank you very much.
Already enjoying, thank you.

She was very…
She was unequivocal there.

- "Not too old".
- Well, what was she gonna say?

- "Yeah, you're right, he's past it."
- Well, she could have agreed with you

if you're as persuasive
as you think you are.

She was being politically adept

and that's the best thing
to say about it.

Just to be clear, are you saying that

you could wear a T-shirt
with a slogan on it?

- Erm… I think…
- You think you're four months…

It's nothing to do with age,

it's to do with how you look,

and the brutal truth is,

yes, I think
I am more likely to get away

with a T-shirt with a logo on it
than you are.

Not by much but just more likely. Yeah.

Anyway, already enjoy.

- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

You know, the Ancient Greeks recognised

that people were a combination
of good and bad.

There's not this, er,

social media idea
of demonising people completely.

They're either persona non grata
or they're heroic,

is nonsense. Their gods, you know,

were complex people.

And it's interesting because this,
this is a good example of it,

this review of Stan & Ollie…

Review of Stan & Ollie?

Is a good example of what?

Er…

- You're tying this into Greek mythology?
- Yes.

Erm, the review of Stan & Ollie
in The Spectator says,

"It's a good job.
Steve Coogan is a brilliant actor.

"He conveys Stan's likeability so well

"that for 97 minutes you forget

"what a self-regarding arse
Coogan himself is in real life."

Now, my takeaway from that is…

He thinks I'm a brilliant actor.

- That's what you take away from it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Cruise is amazing
when you think about the…

The stunts he does.
I think he's a little bit older than us.

- Is everything fine?
- Delicious.

- Yeah?
- Wonderful.

Ah, yes.

Ah, my God, the wine.

The wine, Miss Jones, the wine…

- I call it "vino collapso", I do, yeah.
- Mmm.

Just laugh at him and then
you can walk away, don't worry.

It's nice.

Oh, Mr Rigsby.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

She's… She's thinking,
"What the hell?"

Maybe she's seen Rising Damp.

That was a lovely…
It was just… It wasn't too much.

- Did you like it?
- We loved it.

- Wonderful, yeah, lovely.
- Thank you.

- Really just fresh.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Do you want to continue?

- I think so.
- I think so, yeah.

Is there… Is there an option not to?

- No, we'll continue.
- It's your choice.

No, we'll continue, yeah, yeah.

Never been asked that before.

Yeah, well it's a good question.

- Yeah.
- At our age.

Thank you.

That's a German accent, isn't it?
She's got.

- Yes.
- Think she's German? She's not Greek.

"Do you want to continue?"

She could have been
asking us about our lives.

Do you want to continue?

What, she's seen our age and gone,

"Do you want to continue
or would you prefer I administer

- "the drug now?"
- "I administer…" Well, don't…

Not all Germans are Nazis.

I'm not saying she's a Nazi.
I'm saying she's in some lovely clinic

- where we'd go in Switzerland.
- Yeah, I know what you were driving at.

No, it is, but I'm not saying…

I'm not saying
she's the occupying force.

I'm saying she's in a clinic…

… and she's saying,
"Do you want to continue?

- "Or would you like me to…"
- Don't mention the war.

I'm not, but seriously.

Yeah, she's love…
I like a foreign accent on a woman.

You like women.

Mr Bond. You know, it's like you,
"Oh, where's she from?

"Oh, one of ze…"

So, we continue with risotto.

- Thank you.
- One for you.

- Oh, wow.
- Look at that.

Nice and soft for Steve.

- Thank you.
- And one for you.

- There we are.
- Enjoy it.

Oh boy. Look at that, Rob.

Three sirens.

- Yeah? On the rocks.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Luring me.

Well, Odysseus
strapped himself to the mast

so he wouldn't be tempted
by that sort of a hussy.

- Mmm, yeah.
- That's what you need, isn't it?

You've needed that in your life,
I think.

Someone to strap you to the mast

to stop you doing mischief.

The other sailors
put bungs in their ears

- so they wouldn't hear the Sirens' song.
- Yeah.

He wanted to hear it, but he didn't want
to be lured. So, he wanted to check…

Check out the Sirens without…

Couldn't be more like you.

- You want… You want to…
- Well…

… experience it up to a point.

But halfway through
he begged them to untie him

so that he could go and consummate

- or, er, you know…
- If I had strapped you to the mast,

I would stick with the agreement.
I wouldn't untie you.

And I'd take some pleasure in it.
I'd have a little…

I'd have cotton things
in my ears, right?

You'd be on the mast and you'd go,

"Oh, Rob, Rob, I regret my decision,

"please untie me,
the song's fantastic…"

I wouldn't… Why would it be
in a Mancunian accent?

- Hmm?
- Why would I be…

- If I was playing Odysseus?
- You're not playing…

No, I'm not saying
you're playing Odysseus.

I'm saying you are you and I am me.

I'd be going, "Let me go!'

- And I'd say, "I'm sorry."
- "Let me go!

"Untie me. I must swim to the Sirens."

Where else do I know you from?
The Aneidian line.

"Let me swim to the Sirens.

"I demand it!"

You'd have your hands would be
by your side, wouldn't you?

You'd be stuck there, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Okay.

"Let me swim to the Sirens."

- "I'm sorry, Steve, erm, I've got…"
- "I demand it!"

Steve, do you recognise this?

"My name is Odysseus.

"Not Steve.
Who is this Steve you speak of?"

He's a conceited arse
that I know from Manchester.

Well, I know not of him.

- But I have heard of his talent.
- You're lucky, my friend.

I believe he's won seven BAFTAs.

- Seven BAFTAs?
- Yes.

What is a BAFTA that you speak of?

Service!

Spartan women

had a reputation for being
the most beautiful women in the world.

Yet the men were gay. Go figure.

That's beautiful. Oh…

Oh, good God!
She's bending over!

"Oh, good God! She's bending over!"

Well, I thought
you were gazing at her…

"Well, I thought
you were gazing at her face."

I thought you were gazing
at a beautiful woman.

"I thought you were gazing
at a beautiful woman."

When I look, she's bending over.

- She's still a beautiful woman.
- You were like that.

"Oh, that is beautiful."

I assumed it was a lovely, beautiful…

I turn round,
she's going to pick up her bloody towel!

Because, Rob, in your world,
beauty is just a…

Beauty is, er…
Is something that's been desexualised.

I imagine you find a Barbie doll
or an action man attractive

'cause they've got no genitals
'cause that would upset you

'cause that's a bit…
Ooh, that's a bit…

"Oh, a bit shocking, having a cock
and a vagina. That's a bit shocking!

"I thought everything
was just smooth down there!"

That's real life, Rob.

Bottoms are part of real life.

So are breasts. So are cocks.
So are vaginas.

It's all part of real life.
It didn't bother the Ancient Greeks.

They… They competed.
They did the Olympics completely naked.

They didn't go,
"Oh, he's got his penis out!

"Oh, how shocking! I was expecting…

"I was just expecting a nice face
with a T-shirt with a number on."

- Hello.
- Hi.

So I have some fish for you.

- Thank you.
- And one for you.

- It's grouper.
- Thank you.

Enjoy it.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

That's lovely, that's lovely.

Make sure you mop up
a lot of that sauce.

After lunch we'll go and see the caves.

- Why?
- It's The Observer's idea.

The Greeks, as I'm sure you know,

- believed that in this area…
- Yeah, yeah.

… caves were entrances
to the underworld

and they thought we could tie that in…

… and also I could mention you

as Hades,

flog a few, erm, Percy Jackson DVDs.

Epicurus didn't believe in any of that
life after death nonsense.

Aha, and it's your starter for 10,

who is Steve Coogan's
favourite philosopher?

"Is it Epicurus?"
"Yes, you're right."

Sorry, back to you. My bad.

Epicurus, er, believed that

the most important thing
to a happy life

was to have no fear of God

and have no fear of death.

- Is everything fine?
- Hmm, wonderful.

- Lovely. Yeah.
- Gorgeous.

- Beautiful bay.
- It's very nice.

We have tomorrow a swim race.

It's called Ocean Man.

They start from the pier right there.

- Can you see it?
- Yeah.

They will start there
and swim to this direction

to new Itilo, to the beach Tsipa.

It's international.

People all around the world
are coming here.

Maybe you will see it.

I would love to… I would love to stay
for that, that sounds amazing.

We cannot stay, we have to leave,
but, er, it sounds lovely.

I'd like to join the race.
I'd like to join in, I think.

- Maybe you can do.
- Yeah, I think so.

- No?
- I don't think so.

- Maybe.
- He's joking with you.

- He's joking with you.
- I'm not jok…

I'm in pretty good shape for my age.

We will see.

We will see. We will see.

Thank you.

Pity. I'd like to do that.

I'd like to join in the race,
join in the…

Not competitively just but, er…

That's a long way, look at it.

I have got very good stamina.

Neither you nor I could do that.

I could certainly…
I could beat you in a race, I reckon.

Well. I don't think you could
and we don't have time,

so, it's academic.

Oh, that's convenient.

Okay, go to the caves
and then we have a race.

Great. Brilliant.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

The Swingle Singers
live at Cheddar Gorge

this bank holiday Monday.

This is more really suited
to a sort of Gregorian chant,

it being like a sort of
cathedral of sound.

- I love Greg.
- Ah…

- What?
- I love Greg.

- Greg who?
- Gregorian.

Oh, Gregorian chant, yeah. Very good.

Well, I don't mind
whether Greg or Ian chant.

I mean they're both good.

Would you rather, Ian?

"Ian, you sit this one out.
Greg's gonna do it."

It must get flooded.

It looks like they control that.

Not very tidal though, is it?

No, but I mean
sometimes the, you know,

weather's bad.

I was in, er…

I once swam underwater along a tunnel…

- You've told me this one.
- … in Ustica,

which is off the coast of Sicily,
volcanic island.

- You've told me this.
- And, er…

I was in…
I was in a rock pool off the coast

and then when you swam down,

you could swim along a tunnel
out into the sea.

- You told me.
- And I… I did it, and it's, er…

You told me.

I quite like doing this
for the newspapers.

I feel like I'm a journalist,
a sort of intrepid reporter.

Out in the field who wants
to get it first-hand. Not from Reuters.

Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford.

Yeah, we are. Yeah, like…
Like Woodward and Bernstein.

I'd be Hoffman, obviously.

- Yeah, I'd be… I'd be Redford, yeah.
- You'd be Redford.

I'd be the respected character actor,
you'd be the pin-up.

I mean, at least it's feasible.

- Huh? Oh, I'm an excellent reporter.
- I'm an excellent…

Excuse me, this…

This is Carl Bernstein. I'm phoning
on behalf of The Washington Post.

I thought you said
you were gonna be Robert Redford.

Well, I just thought I'd try
Dustin Hoffman for size, and it's…

You're not being offered that role.
You're being offered the Redford role.

Er, are you trying to seduce me,
Mr Nixon?

Interesting, Bernstein also,

the subject of another film
about his life,

- played by who?
- All right, give me a minute.

- Was it Jack Nicholson?
- Yes.

- And was the film Heartburn?
- Yes.

- And did Nora Ephron write it?
- Yes.

And did she once audition me by Skype
for a part in a film?

- No.
- She did.

Did I get the part?

- No.
- That's correct.

You girls, why don't you shout…

Why don't you say, "Go." Yeah?
Say, "Three, two, one, go."

Yeah, sure.

Are you ready? Don't push me.

Ready? Steady? Go!

All right, okay, you win.

- I've… It's my shoulder.
- Come on, yes!

Yes!

Rob?

- What are you wearing?
- We look like two twins.

Two posh… A posh family's twins
with a weird ageing condition.

It doesn't matter.

- It doesn't matter, does it? No.
- No.

Different sunglasses on.

This is my… Yeah, the non-polarised.

They're, er, my sunset sunglasses.

- You're like a '60s playboy.
- Thank you.

- 1960s.
- Yes, 1960s, thank you.

Peter Sellars,
you've got a Sellars thing.

He was 53 when he died.

Oh, well, you've nearly beaten him.

- Here's to me, yeah?
- Oh, yes, cheers.

- Fair competition, yeah?
- Congratulations.

- Shoulder's better.
- Uh-uh.

It's not actually.
It's, er, still aching a bit.