The Trip (2010–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Parador de Almagro - full transcript
In La Mancha, Steve and Rob dress the part as Don Quixote and Sancho Panza.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Hello, Rob, Steve Coogan.
- Who's this?
- Steve Coogan.
Hey, how are you?
Great. How are you?
Yeah, good. Where are you?
I'm in London. Just got back from filming
in New York. I play a chef.
It's called Medium Rare.
Anyway, they want me to do publicity
for the launch of the series.
(CHILD WAILS)
They want me to do
a series of restaurant reviews
and this time a trip to Spain.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
EMMA: Oh, they're here.
Hey! Hello!
- Hola!
- Hola!
- How you doing?
- Hey.
- Good to see you.
- You too. How's it going?
- Thank you. How are you?
- Great.
- Very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
Hey, you all right?
- Rob.
- Good to see you again.
- How was your flight?
- Yeah, it was very good.
So, photographs.
- Luggage is up the hill.
- What about them?
(THEY LAUGH)
ROB: These are about two sizes
too big, the shoes.
STEVE: Yeah, this is really painful.
I don't know how anyone
could fight in this stuff.
What shoe size did you give them?
The size that you sent me over.
Seven?
These feel like a 10 or an 11.
You've only got to wear them
for a minute, so...
- Are you all right, Steve?
- You guys ready?
We could've got changed up here,
not down there.
Let him push you up.
One, two, three.
OK.
Let him give you a push.
I can give you a hand.
I don't need any help.
I've done it before.
One, two, three.
(GRUNTS)
- Hey! There you go!
- Good!
It's just about getting the timing right.
OK.
There's no saddle.
Right, thank you.
- Hang on.
- OK, move your horses.
Oh, oh!
Miran un poquito la izquierda.
- Take the picture.
- Just take the picture.
What's she doing there?
Is she on the internet?
- (THEY SPEAK SPANISH)
- Just take the picture!
I'm coming, Rob.
Very good.
So, have you had proper
authentic Manchego?
We haven't had much
cheese and ham, full stop.
- Not really.
- Surprising.
So, we can have it here
cos Manchego cheese...
Like, we're in the heart of La Mancha -
this is the place to try it.
It's very special cos it's made
with milk of the local sheep.
- Oh.
- How do you know all this?
Because I come from here,
from a town nearby.
- Oh, local girl.
- That's where I've been born, yeah.
Lady of La Mancha.
One of many, actually,
cos I lived and I was brought up
with my four sisters
and my five cousins, all of us
in the same house, nine girls.
- Wow. I'm one of five boys.
- Nine girls!
- Really?
- Mm, yeah.
God, I'm one of two boys.
- Yeah.
- That's incredible.
- How many in your family?
- I'm one of five girls, actually.
So, all from big families -
that's worth remarking on, Rob.
(SPANISH ACCENT) Wait a moment.
Yolanda, you know,
for Manchego cheese, is important
to show the real side of Spain.
I remember one of the first movies
I make, The Cheesemaker's Daughter...
His Spanish is really coming on,
isn't it? Como estas?
Um... just a starter.
(THEY LAUGH)
- And probably skip...
- I simply said, "How are you?"
- You're a fraud, Manchego.
- (OTHERS CHUCKLE)
You're a British character actor...
(SPANISH ACCENT) You said,
"How are you?" and I said,
"I'm just a starter."
I'm just starting out in life,
although my age - around my eyes
you see the years,
but still I retain
a little something, yeah?
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
So, what have you been up to, Rob?
- Theatre. I've been in the theatre.
- Right.
I was, um, working with Kenneth Branagh
- in the West End.
- Ah!
It wasn't Shakespeare.
You know that, don't you?
- We weren't doing Shakespeare.
- I thought you were doing Shakespeare.
No, it was a farce.
It was a trousers-down farce.
- No, God, you wouldn't do...
- Oh, right.
You wouldn't do Shakespeare
with Branagh - no way.
If you want, we can go later.
There's a theatre here.
- It dates back to Cervantes' times.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, it's the symbol of
the golden age of Spanish theatre.
Lope used to have his place there -
you know him? Lope de Vega?
- Who?
- Yeah.
- He's a very famous...
- Who is he? Hang on a minute.
Who did she just say?
- Um... Well, who...?
- Ah!
- Yes!
- You don't know Lope de Vega?
(STEVE STUTTERS)
- Don't tell him the name.
- Er, ah, ah, no.
- He's a classic - he wrote 500 plays.
- Don't say his name again.
How many?
- 500.
- Yeah.
It's not about quantity, though,
is it, really?
The quality was good, too.
Really? What, all 500?
- Well, I'm sure not all 500.
- I'm sure he must have had an off day.
If you wrote ten plays a year,
one a month,
with a couple of months off
- for recreational activities...
- I don't think it's
- physically possible, is it?
- ...it would still take you 50 years.
I mean, these days the whole process
takes, like, three years just for one
- screenplay.
- How's it going with Missing?
It... I should never have taken
the money from the studio.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
Have we had any visits
from Sir Michael Caine on this trip?
There's been no Michael Caine,
no Caine.
- No cocaine.
- No cocaine - very good.
No cocaine, no Novocaine.
- I tell you who we have had here.
- Oh, go on, please.
(MIMICKING) Yeah. All right? A-ha! Yeah!
- Sir Mick.
- Mick Jagger.
(AS MICK JAGGER) Yeah!
All right, come on!
Yeah!
(OWN VOICE) That's all I can do,
basically.
- It's very good.
- It looks like
he's having a fit. You can put
the defibrillator back on the wall now.
(THEY LAUGH)
(AS MICK JAGGER) Come on... All right!
Hello, Rio! Ooh!
- Yeah.
- That's...
- Um...
- And...
Come on, give them your, er...
Bowie or Jagger?
Which one do you want?
So you've had a bit of Bowie?
Bowie!
(AS DAVID BOWIE) I miss him because,
of course, he...
- (AS MICK JAGGER) Yeah, we all miss him.
- We all miss him.
I try to do him in a sort of grounded way,
a more authentic way,
and when Rob does his impersonations,
he has to sort of make them really big.
I add something to them. It's like
a Gerald Scarfe cartoon here. Aah!
- Right?
- More authentic.
Mine's more authentic.
- Do you do a Bowie?
- I like to get to
- the soul of an impersonation.
- (AS DAVID BOWIE) # I can do
- # Bowie singing... #
- Oh, there we go, Bowie.
♪ But I can't do what he does. ♪
(DEEP VOICE) # I can do him
singing really deep
(COCKNEY ACCENT) # And then do him
when he sang like that years ago
- # When you heard more London... #
- # London... #
# In the way he'd sing like that
all the time
# Anybody can do that
- # If they want to...
- (DEEP VOICE) # Then years later
♪ He'd sing really deeply. ♪
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
(AS MICK JAGGER) The thing is,
when you're into...
I think you hear he's very sort of mouthy
when he speaks,
he uses his hands a lot,
and also he's got a slight, sort of,
androgynous quality,
you know, the way he speaks.
- He's got problems with trapped wind.
- Slightly camp like that.
And also, the physicality of him.
Like, cos he didn't do...
EMMA: He's just trying to get
the wind out.
STEVE: Trying to get the wind out
like that.
- (THEY LAUGH)
- Here! Here!
Here, Keith.
- (AS KEITH RICHARDS) What do you want?
- I want a cup of tea. Right!
I don't make his tea. I don't...
You sound like you've just got up.
- That's what Keith...
- That's what Keith sounds like.
Listen to her - she's telling you, man.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
- Sir.
- Gracias.
EMMA: Don Quixote had three trips,
didn't he?
He had the one that he went out
on his own, then he went back
and enlisted Sancho Panza,
and then he had the sequel,
and this is now your third trip.
When Cervantes wrote the sequel,
in the interim,
after he'd written the first part,
there was a fake sequel published.
Then he incorporated the fake sequel
into his real sequel.
So he made that part of the story.
So when he goes on his travels
in the second book,
he bumps into people
who've read the fake sequel,
so he can slag it off,
within the pages, as Don Quixote.
That is so bold and innovative,
and it's 500 years ago.
So, effectively, he was postmodern
before there was any modern
- to be post about.
- Amazing.
Bzz! You're quoting yourself
in Tristram Shandy.
No, I think it was 24 Hour Party People,
actually.
- EMMA: There you go, that's you told.
- Either way,
you're either quoting a character
you played or yourself.
- Well, so what? I'm quoting...
- It's a lovely quality.
I'm quoting someone
who's a real person, Tony Wilson,
- who can be innovative and popular.
- Like...
People like Don Quixote because
it is warm, funny and charming.
Not because it is postmodern.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
Look at this. Yum!
- What's this?
- Guerra de Lepanto.
- Have you heard of it?
- EMMA: What is it?
YOLANDA: This is the Battle of Lepanto.
Oh, wow!
It's a battle that Cervantes was in,
and it was Christian Europe fighting
- against the Ottoman Empire.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he got his nickname from there -
he's known as El Manco de Lepanto,
which is the one-arm of Lepanto.
I didn't know he did panto!
- Lepanto!
- Would he do it every year?
No, of course not! But...
I find it's best to smile politely
and just... and eat some more food!
That's what I do.
- Steve, have a drink, relax.
- Er, but...
(CHUCKLES) Rob!
Well, for God's sake! He was more fun!
I'm a recovering alcoholic!
I'm not gonna have a drink!
You used to drink too much -
you weren't an alcoholic.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Cervantes, of course, when he was 37,
he married a 19-year-old.
Impressive for a man with one arm.
30 years ago, when I came to Spain,
I was 18 years old and I was pursuing
a 37-year-old woman.
- She was 37?
- It's the reverse.
- The reverse.
- The reverse of Cervantes.
I wasn't doing the kind of cliché
of going with
- a younger woman.
- EMMA: No, absolutely not.
20 years older than me.
Would you now be with a woman
20 years older?
Well, I don't... I think that's...
That's...
I'll ask again. Would you now
be with a woman 20...
- That's academic.
- A 70-year-old. A 70-year-old.
That's academic.
She could be in any profession -
it wouldn't matter.
He imagined that the inns were castles,
- didn't he, in his imagination?
- YOLANDA: He did.
We've been staying in inns.
Well, we've been literally
staying in castles.
Sorry, we have, yeah. No, we've been
staying in castles, I think they're inns.
He stayed in inns,
he thought they were castles.
- So it's like a circle in a spiral.
- The other way around.
- Yes. Yes.
- Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
- on an ever-spinning reel.
- Yeah.
Like the circles that you find
in the "whindmills"
- of your mind.
- EMMA: The "whindmills."
That could be
a postmodern manifesto.
- It really could, it really could.
- Or, a lovely song from the '70s.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
ROB: It is... Oh!
Do you mind asking for the bill?
Just cos we're going to have to vamos.
- La cuenta, por favor.
- Gracias.
YOLANDA: Francescana cake.
Francescanas were like
an order of priests.
And I think this used to be
their monastery, before it was a parador.
- STEVE: Really?
- EMMA: Ah, wow.
Mm-hm, it was a convent. That's true.
Aren't you supposed to exercise
self-denial when you're, er...?
EMMA: Yeah, this is quite indulgent,
isn't it?
It doesn't look like they're sort of
suffering and trying to, er...
(AS HENRY KELLY) Can I ask
for your silence, please?
- We're about to go live on air...
- Big hair shirt...
In five, four, three...
Hello and welcome back
to Guess The Bill.
You join us on the wonderful island
of Spain...
- Island of Spain?
- ...playing, once again, Guess The Bill.
It's our returning champion,
Stephen Coogan from Pedantry
in the North of England. Great to see -
you've brought your daughters
with you this time, Steve.
Wonderful to welcome them.
Hey, fingers crossed for Dad, yes?
Yeah!
- Steve, want to say a few words?
- Yeah, just a quick question.
I was just wondering why
you called Spain an island.
He's quite the inquisitive one,
this one, isn't he?! Steve...
- I'm curious myself, I have to say.
- Yeah, she's curious.
My daughter's curious, too.
Do you want to answer her?
You don't want to disrespect
my daughter, surely.
So, why do you think Spain is an island?
When I say "the island of Spain",
I mean the island of humanity.
Are you saying, Steve,
that Spain is inhumane,
- because of the bullfighting and all?
- No, I'm just saying
that Spain's not an island
- and you said it was an island.
- All right.
Listen, now. We're all delighted -
it's a special bumper edition tonight.
So, here we go.
Stephen... And, remember, Stevie -
- can I call you Stevie?
- No.
Remember, we've got
to take your first...
Look at his little face.
The little fella's excited -
it's wonderful to see! All right.
We've got to take your first answer.
EMMA: Oh, dear!
ROB: Is it 101.60 euro?
(SLURRED) Is it 200 euro on the nose?
Are you changing where you're from,
or are you having a stroke?
He's got a reply for every line, this one.
He's what I call a little fucker!
- (EMMA CHUCKLES)
- Or...
is it 134.99 euro?
Er, sh-sh-sh-sh!
Girls, please, don't help your dad.
(STEVE GROANS) I think
the bill is not 200. I think it's 130...
- What was it?
- 134.99?
- Yes, yes.
- OK.
- Steve...
- (SHE CLEARS THROAT)
You've only done it!
Give your dad a hug!
Well done, Steve. Give me your hand.
Let's give a big wave
to everybody at home.
Thanks for watching, everybody -
mums and dads, boys and girls.
Thanks to all the genuine Irish people
out there,
who actually live in Ireland
and know where Ireland is, and...
Ireland's an island.
(SPANISH ACCENT) When I think back
on the production I made as child,
there was The Bullfighter.
- EMMA: Oh, God.
- There was The Return Of The Bullfighter.
YOLANDA: Has he been eating
lots of Manchego cheese?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK, don't worry.
- ...The Bullfighter's Return, which was
a little twist on
The Return Of The Bullfighter.
- We'll lose these two later.
- It took the themes
of The Return Of The Bullfighter...
- OK, so here's the theatre, guys.
- ...but turned it around,
to make The Bullfighter's Return.
After that, I followed it up with
The Lady Was A Plumber. It was bold.
Whoa.
Look at this!
- EMMA: Amazing.
- ROB: Steve!
- You like it?
- Yeah, it's great.
ROB: Ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Ba! Nice sound.
Well, well, well.
Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?
Just the right size.
It must be quite big for you.
You're not intimidated, are you,
by the size of the audience?
- ROB: Yeah!
- EMMA: He's going to perform.
("SHAKESPEAREAN" VOICE)
Thank you, thank you.
- All the world's a stage...
- STEVE: Oh, God!
...and all the men and women
merely players.
They have their exits, their entrances.
One man in his time
will play many parts,
- his acts being seven ages.
- Who's that?
- Sorry?
- STEVE: Yeah, who's that?
- You're not serious? Richard Burton!
- EMMA: Oh, OK.
Of course it's Richard Burton!
- OK!
- Aw!
Then comes the lover,
sighing like a furnace...
You've missed a bit, Stephen.
You've missed a bit.
- What?
- First the infant...
- Oh, yeah.
- ...mewling and puking
at the nurse's arms, then...
(SING-SONG AMERICAN ACCENT)
...the whining schoolboy
with his shining face and satchel,
crawling like a snail
unwillingly on his way to school.
Then comes the last scene of all
that ends this strange eventful history...
Shakespeare in stereo.
Sans teeth, sans eyes,
sans taste, sans everything.
Mistress, turn ye not behind ye
where there the devil lays...
- STEVE: Lie...
- ...for 'tis here on the stage
where the lights doth commence
and the sound shall travel far.
Life does not take place
in the centre of a stage - it takes place
in the shadows,
behind the beams...
- In the royal circle, look you...
- In the corridors,
on the balconies of life.
That is where the real action takes place.
Not in the centre stage
with the crowd looking,
but behind you in the nooks, the crannies.
That is where you see real drama.
Come with me.
Come with me on a journey of life.
Come now.
Watch your head.
Mistress, listen not to that merry devil,
for he lingers behind thee,
where ye see not, whispering in the ear
with deceitful claims of avarice and lust,
yet now here he appears earthbound,
doth he not?
Shodden of his wings,
he falleth from a great height.
Mr. Steve... n Coogan.
Thanks very much, we'll be in touch.
- Thank you.
- I know I stumbled over the...
I don't think that matters,
I think we certainly got a sense of it
and it was, yeah, great. Very good.
- Thank you.
- OK. Cheers.
I've got a modern piece.
Er... Do you know what?
Um... We're just a bit pushed for time,
but a lovely, lovely piece.
Thanks very much. Should I get...?
If you go back there, there'll be
someone who'll show you out.
And you've got my CV?
Yeah, got that right here.
- But thank you very much indeed.
- Thanks. Really lovely to meet you.
Thanks a lot, Richard.
- What? Richard?
- Is it Richard?
I'm Rob Brydon.
- I haven't got it, have I?
- Um...
Why don't you have the balls to tell me
in front of my face I haven't got it?
You haven't got it.
Oh, fuck you.
Listen, there's no need to be bitter.
If we were doing a play
about a farcical panel show,
then you'd be right in your wheelhouse.
But unfortunately
this is slightly weightier stuff,
but full marks for giving it a go.
Great, yeah, that stuff's fantastic,
we love that stuff.
Yeah. Again, yeah, it's good.
Brilliant. No, lovely stuff.
Anyway, thanks and I look forward...
(EMMA AND YOLANDA LAUGH)
(BOTH RIFF ON "SPANISH FLY")
ROB: (AS KEN BRUCE) Spanish Fly,
Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan,
wonderful stuff from them.
Don't forget, coming on
later this morning...
STEVE: (AS TERRY WOGAN) Let me just
interrupt you there, old Kenny Bruce.
- Terry?
- Me old friend.
Because anyone who's anyone will know
that the title of the song by Herp Albert
is Spanish Flea, and not Spanish Fly.
I sit corrected, Terry.
More than anything else,
I'm very surprised to see you here.
Welcome back,
wonderful to have you here.
- Thank you. Always a pleasure.
- But may I be so bold
as to pick you up on a wee point
which is that it's not
Herb Albert, it's Herb Alpert with a P?
- Ah, yes.
- You got your Ps and your Bs
mixed up there.
You've got your fleas and your flies
all over...
- And you've got your...
- BOTH: Ps and your Bs...
I threw a little bowl of a mistake there
so that
you could pick me up,
so we're all even Stevens.
We'll probably never know
if that's the truth.
- Fleas, flies, Ps, Bs.
- You put a P in the wrong place,
I had a P in the wrong place once,
they won't let me back
in that supermarket again.
That's right, yes. And don't forget
that, you know, time flies like an arrow,
but fruit flies like a banana.
- EMMA: The views.
- STEVE: Yeah.
- YOLANDA: I think it should be...
- EMMA: Are we lost?
ROB: Where is the entrance?
Don't tell me that's it.
You're not serious?!
Well, this isn't a cave, is it?
This is a wall.
Is that what we walked up for, seriously?
Yeah.
The ones at Altamira
were much better than that.
You would look around, there were bisons,
you could make things out,
there were colours, it was beautiful.
But it wasn't real, Rob.
It was fake, it was facsimile.
Look, that's like a cross.
ROB: Are you sure these are paintings?
- That's the figure of a man.
- That's a stain.
Give me that.
Here, you are. There's a man.
EMMA: Wow.
- ROB: That does look like a man.
- Brandishing something, I'd say.
What's that up there?
That's some sort of deer over there.
I mean, you've just got to look closely.
- I preferred Altamira.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
- This is 14,000 years old,
one of the earliest examples of man...
EMMA: Or woman.
- Or woman...
- Thank you.
- ...trying to be creative.
- EMMA: Yeah.
- This is beautiful, very calming.
- ROB: Yeah.
It's wonderful.
It's interesting isn't it? We started
in the birthplace of King Ferdinand,
and here we are at the place
where they were buried.
- Here?
- Yeah, in the hotel.
- It wasn't a hotel then.
- No.
That would be awful, wouldn't it?
Dreadful.
- "I have a reservation for Smith."
- Corpses of...
"Wait a moment, please,
we are about to bury the King."
"What?"
"Yes, we have a gymnasium."
Why are they buried in Granada, then?
Because this is the last town
to fall to the Catholics.
That's why they called them
the Catholic king and queen.
They started the Spanish Inquisition.
Yeah.
(NASAL MUMBLING)
...in the Spanish Inquisition,
and there were going to be parts
when my jaws... You don't know
what I'm doing, do you?
- No idea.
- I'm doing Marlon Brando.
If you have to tell someone
who you're doing,
- it's not really working.
- I don't know anybody
- who wouldn't know that was Brando.
- Well...
There's parts where I wanna convert
the Moors...
(AS BRANDO) It's not actually that good
because he has a more nuanced
way of talking.
You know, it's like this
and he has those gestures
and it's quite a high voice,
it's almost effeminate sometimes.
Sometimes it can be effeminate
almost, but he was...
When he was Torquemada...
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
The thing about the Moors is
they were way more tolerant
than the Catholics who came after them.
I'm a big fan of the Moors.
Dudley Moore,
Christy Moore,
- Patrick Moore.
- EMMA: No "Moor". Please!
(AS ROGER MOORE) Roger Moore.
You know, when I think back
to the Moors being here in Spain,
I could honestly say
we had a wonderful time.
Mother booked the Holiday Inn, we arrived,
and found the hotel to be to our liking.
(AS ROGER MOORE) Of course,
what you're forgetting to point out is
that the Moors, when they conquered Spain,
in the early eighth century,
they were encountering a Europe
that was still very much in the Dark Ages.
It was pitch-black.
But they of course built
beautiful palaces like this.
They were very ahead of their time.
I have to tell you,
when we were building these palaces,
my fellow Moors -
mother, father and sister -
sometimes we would encounter a workman
who perhaps wasn't working
quite as quickly as I would want,
and then I would say to him...
- Move!
- Move!
Move!
- Move!
- Move!
- Move!
- Um...
A lot of them thought
they were hearing cows.
The thing about doing Roger Moore...
- Yes?
- Less is more.
Ah, you've met my brother, Les?
Les, come in.
That's right, I'm also a Moore.
Les Moore.
I was trying to hint that you should
always leave your audience wanting more.
My audience constantly wants Moore,
and that's what I give them.
Roger Moore.
Or quit while you're ahead.
They introduced the orange to Spain.
- The Moors?
- Yeah.
Really?
- She's absolutely right.
- From where?
I guess Morocco.
That's where they were coming from.
I could explain it to you,
if you like. It was my mother,
she packed one
into her hand luggage.
- He didn't get the hint, did he?
- No.
...on one of our holidays and, of course,
I said, "Mother, what are you doing?"
She said, "Shush, Roger, I'm going
to introduce the orange to Spain."
Another thing the Moors introduced
was, of course, our numerical system.
That's right, we brought
- a calculator with us.
- Because basically
we used to use Roman numerals.
And it's only when they brought
the Arabic numerical system
that we then developed that into
the numerical system we use today.
(ROB CONTINUES AS ROGER MOORE)
- Mother said it would never work.
- This is really crazy.
The fact is that the Moors
were far more sophisticated.
- They knew about medicine, philosophy...
- That's right.
- ...mathematics...
- Correct.
...astronomy...
- Oh, we love looking at the stars.
- Very, very... Way more advanced...
And also managed to marry...
My parents did marry.
You're quite right.
They married at a young age,
they had me and my sister.
Rob, seriously, seriously.
He's got, like, Tourette's.
It was a wonderful day.
My uncle Bertie gave a sermon,
he was a preacher, you see.
The Greek philosophers were translated
into Arabic by the Moors,
and it was only during the Crusades,
when they invaded Toledo...
...I remember father, sitting at his desk,
translating night and day.
My mother would say to him, "When are
you going to take Roger to the park?"
Aristotle's teachings were translated
into Arabic, by the Muslims,
and then during the Crusades...
Why didn't you say
they were done by the Moors?
- Are you trying to discourage me?
- What?
- EMMA: Please, yes!
- You've stopped saying "Moors",
you've started saying "Muslims",
and I find that a little racially...
- Go on, go on.
- ...offensive.
You started off
referring to us as the Moors,
- now you're referring to us as Muslims.
- The Moors were Muslims.
- But why did you start with Moors?
- It doesn't matter,
the people I'm talking about were
one and the same. Moors were Muslims.
I'm not Roger Muslim, I'm Roger Moore.
EMMA: Dear God! Oh, dear.
By the way, I've got you a ticket
for first thing in the morning
to see the Alhambra.
- Oh, brilliant. Great, great.
- Rob, I've got one for you too.
Can I go later? Can I go after breakfast?
- It'll be busy.
- Yolanda, you should come with me.
I can't. I have to take an early flight
back to London.
Really? That's a shame.
You're leaving me alone with him?
Ah, you won't be alone,
I'm coming with you to Malaga.
I'm going to make sure
Joe gets to you safely.
- Thank the Lord.
- Great.
(SKYPE DIAL TONE)
- Hello?
- Hey. Hey, Dad.
Hey, how are you doing?
- Um, yeah, I'm good. How are you?
- Great,
really looking forward to seeing you.
I've missed you, buddy.
Yeah, that was... That was
what I was calling about, actually.
Yeah, Emma's...
She's been in touch, right?
She said she's organised all the flights
- and what have you.
- No, that...
I can't come.
- What are you talking about?
- I just... I just can't come.
I'm sorry, I just...
I just can't come, at the moment.
I need to stay here with Helen.
What's going on? Talk to me.
She's pregnant.
You're fucking kidding me.
- She's...
- You fucking idiot!
She's pregnant, so I need to stay here
with her, so we can figure out
- what we're going to do.
- Wait, wait...
Are you certain she's pregnant?
Yes, she's definitely pregnant.
And are you sure it's yours?
Dad!
Um...
Um...
You're 20 years old,
you're too young to have a kid,
you know... Any decisions you make now
will have ramifications
for the rest of your life.
Yes, I know.
But I'm not just making decisions
for me any more.
I need to think about her,
and what we're going to do.
Oh, for crying out loud, this is...
(SIGHS)
Sorry.
Listen, you don't have to be sorry, OK?
It's OK. It doesn't matter
about coming out here.
You know, just...
Whatever happens,
I'm here for you, all right?
- Thanks, Dad.
- And I love you.
I love you too.
OK, listen, um...
Don't worry about it, all right?
Yeah.
I love you
and I'll talk to you later, OK?
Love you too.
(CALL ENDS)
I hate being a tourist, you know.
So that's why it's great
that I'm with a native.
(CROWD CHATTERS)
- This is wonderful.
- It is.
Hello?
Hello, Rob, Steve Coogan.
- Who's this?
- Steve Coogan.
Hey, how are you?
Great. How are you?
Yeah, good. Where are you?
I'm in London. Just got back from filming
in New York. I play a chef.
It's called Medium Rare.
Anyway, they want me to do publicity
for the launch of the series.
(CHILD WAILS)
They want me to do
a series of restaurant reviews
and this time a trip to Spain.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
EMMA: Oh, they're here.
Hey! Hello!
- Hola!
- Hola!
- How you doing?
- Hey.
- Good to see you.
- You too. How's it going?
- Thank you. How are you?
- Great.
- Very nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
Hey, you all right?
- Rob.
- Good to see you again.
- How was your flight?
- Yeah, it was very good.
So, photographs.
- Luggage is up the hill.
- What about them?
(THEY LAUGH)
ROB: These are about two sizes
too big, the shoes.
STEVE: Yeah, this is really painful.
I don't know how anyone
could fight in this stuff.
What shoe size did you give them?
The size that you sent me over.
Seven?
These feel like a 10 or an 11.
You've only got to wear them
for a minute, so...
- Are you all right, Steve?
- You guys ready?
We could've got changed up here,
not down there.
Let him push you up.
One, two, three.
OK.
Let him give you a push.
I can give you a hand.
I don't need any help.
I've done it before.
One, two, three.
(GRUNTS)
- Hey! There you go!
- Good!
It's just about getting the timing right.
OK.
There's no saddle.
Right, thank you.
- Hang on.
- OK, move your horses.
Oh, oh!
Miran un poquito la izquierda.
- Take the picture.
- Just take the picture.
What's she doing there?
Is she on the internet?
- (THEY SPEAK SPANISH)
- Just take the picture!
I'm coming, Rob.
Very good.
So, have you had proper
authentic Manchego?
We haven't had much
cheese and ham, full stop.
- Not really.
- Surprising.
So, we can have it here
cos Manchego cheese...
Like, we're in the heart of La Mancha -
this is the place to try it.
It's very special cos it's made
with milk of the local sheep.
- Oh.
- How do you know all this?
Because I come from here,
from a town nearby.
- Oh, local girl.
- That's where I've been born, yeah.
Lady of La Mancha.
One of many, actually,
cos I lived and I was brought up
with my four sisters
and my five cousins, all of us
in the same house, nine girls.
- Wow. I'm one of five boys.
- Nine girls!
- Really?
- Mm, yeah.
God, I'm one of two boys.
- Yeah.
- That's incredible.
- How many in your family?
- I'm one of five girls, actually.
So, all from big families -
that's worth remarking on, Rob.
(SPANISH ACCENT) Wait a moment.
Yolanda, you know,
for Manchego cheese, is important
to show the real side of Spain.
I remember one of the first movies
I make, The Cheesemaker's Daughter...
His Spanish is really coming on,
isn't it? Como estas?
Um... just a starter.
(THEY LAUGH)
- And probably skip...
- I simply said, "How are you?"
- You're a fraud, Manchego.
- (OTHERS CHUCKLE)
You're a British character actor...
(SPANISH ACCENT) You said,
"How are you?" and I said,
"I'm just a starter."
I'm just starting out in life,
although my age - around my eyes
you see the years,
but still I retain
a little something, yeah?
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
So, what have you been up to, Rob?
- Theatre. I've been in the theatre.
- Right.
I was, um, working with Kenneth Branagh
- in the West End.
- Ah!
It wasn't Shakespeare.
You know that, don't you?
- We weren't doing Shakespeare.
- I thought you were doing Shakespeare.
No, it was a farce.
It was a trousers-down farce.
- No, God, you wouldn't do...
- Oh, right.
You wouldn't do Shakespeare
with Branagh - no way.
If you want, we can go later.
There's a theatre here.
- It dates back to Cervantes' times.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, it's the symbol of
the golden age of Spanish theatre.
Lope used to have his place there -
you know him? Lope de Vega?
- Who?
- Yeah.
- He's a very famous...
- Who is he? Hang on a minute.
Who did she just say?
- Um... Well, who...?
- Ah!
- Yes!
- You don't know Lope de Vega?
(STEVE STUTTERS)
- Don't tell him the name.
- Er, ah, ah, no.
- He's a classic - he wrote 500 plays.
- Don't say his name again.
How many?
- 500.
- Yeah.
It's not about quantity, though,
is it, really?
The quality was good, too.
Really? What, all 500?
- Well, I'm sure not all 500.
- I'm sure he must have had an off day.
If you wrote ten plays a year,
one a month,
with a couple of months off
- for recreational activities...
- I don't think it's
- physically possible, is it?
- ...it would still take you 50 years.
I mean, these days the whole process
takes, like, three years just for one
- screenplay.
- How's it going with Missing?
It... I should never have taken
the money from the studio.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
Have we had any visits
from Sir Michael Caine on this trip?
There's been no Michael Caine,
no Caine.
- No cocaine.
- No cocaine - very good.
No cocaine, no Novocaine.
- I tell you who we have had here.
- Oh, go on, please.
(MIMICKING) Yeah. All right? A-ha! Yeah!
- Sir Mick.
- Mick Jagger.
(AS MICK JAGGER) Yeah!
All right, come on!
Yeah!
(OWN VOICE) That's all I can do,
basically.
- It's very good.
- It looks like
he's having a fit. You can put
the defibrillator back on the wall now.
(THEY LAUGH)
(AS MICK JAGGER) Come on... All right!
Hello, Rio! Ooh!
- Yeah.
- That's...
- Um...
- And...
Come on, give them your, er...
Bowie or Jagger?
Which one do you want?
So you've had a bit of Bowie?
Bowie!
(AS DAVID BOWIE) I miss him because,
of course, he...
- (AS MICK JAGGER) Yeah, we all miss him.
- We all miss him.
I try to do him in a sort of grounded way,
a more authentic way,
and when Rob does his impersonations,
he has to sort of make them really big.
I add something to them. It's like
a Gerald Scarfe cartoon here. Aah!
- Right?
- More authentic.
Mine's more authentic.
- Do you do a Bowie?
- I like to get to
- the soul of an impersonation.
- (AS DAVID BOWIE) # I can do
- # Bowie singing... #
- Oh, there we go, Bowie.
♪ But I can't do what he does. ♪
(DEEP VOICE) # I can do him
singing really deep
(COCKNEY ACCENT) # And then do him
when he sang like that years ago
- # When you heard more London... #
- # London... #
# In the way he'd sing like that
all the time
# Anybody can do that
- # If they want to...
- (DEEP VOICE) # Then years later
♪ He'd sing really deeply. ♪
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
(AS MICK JAGGER) The thing is,
when you're into...
I think you hear he's very sort of mouthy
when he speaks,
he uses his hands a lot,
and also he's got a slight, sort of,
androgynous quality,
you know, the way he speaks.
- He's got problems with trapped wind.
- Slightly camp like that.
And also, the physicality of him.
Like, cos he didn't do...
EMMA: He's just trying to get
the wind out.
STEVE: Trying to get the wind out
like that.
- (THEY LAUGH)
- Here! Here!
Here, Keith.
- (AS KEITH RICHARDS) What do you want?
- I want a cup of tea. Right!
I don't make his tea. I don't...
You sound like you've just got up.
- That's what Keith...
- That's what Keith sounds like.
Listen to her - she's telling you, man.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
- Sir.
- Gracias.
EMMA: Don Quixote had three trips,
didn't he?
He had the one that he went out
on his own, then he went back
and enlisted Sancho Panza,
and then he had the sequel,
and this is now your third trip.
When Cervantes wrote the sequel,
in the interim,
after he'd written the first part,
there was a fake sequel published.
Then he incorporated the fake sequel
into his real sequel.
So he made that part of the story.
So when he goes on his travels
in the second book,
he bumps into people
who've read the fake sequel,
so he can slag it off,
within the pages, as Don Quixote.
That is so bold and innovative,
and it's 500 years ago.
So, effectively, he was postmodern
before there was any modern
- to be post about.
- Amazing.
Bzz! You're quoting yourself
in Tristram Shandy.
No, I think it was 24 Hour Party People,
actually.
- EMMA: There you go, that's you told.
- Either way,
you're either quoting a character
you played or yourself.
- Well, so what? I'm quoting...
- It's a lovely quality.
I'm quoting someone
who's a real person, Tony Wilson,
- who can be innovative and popular.
- Like...
People like Don Quixote because
it is warm, funny and charming.
Not because it is postmodern.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
Look at this. Yum!
- What's this?
- Guerra de Lepanto.
- Have you heard of it?
- EMMA: What is it?
YOLANDA: This is the Battle of Lepanto.
Oh, wow!
It's a battle that Cervantes was in,
and it was Christian Europe fighting
- against the Ottoman Empire.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he got his nickname from there -
he's known as El Manco de Lepanto,
which is the one-arm of Lepanto.
I didn't know he did panto!
- Lepanto!
- Would he do it every year?
No, of course not! But...
I find it's best to smile politely
and just... and eat some more food!
That's what I do.
- Steve, have a drink, relax.
- Er, but...
(CHUCKLES) Rob!
Well, for God's sake! He was more fun!
I'm a recovering alcoholic!
I'm not gonna have a drink!
You used to drink too much -
you weren't an alcoholic.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Cervantes, of course, when he was 37,
he married a 19-year-old.
Impressive for a man with one arm.
30 years ago, when I came to Spain,
I was 18 years old and I was pursuing
a 37-year-old woman.
- She was 37?
- It's the reverse.
- The reverse.
- The reverse of Cervantes.
I wasn't doing the kind of cliché
of going with
- a younger woman.
- EMMA: No, absolutely not.
20 years older than me.
Would you now be with a woman
20 years older?
Well, I don't... I think that's...
That's...
I'll ask again. Would you now
be with a woman 20...
- That's academic.
- A 70-year-old. A 70-year-old.
That's academic.
She could be in any profession -
it wouldn't matter.
He imagined that the inns were castles,
- didn't he, in his imagination?
- YOLANDA: He did.
We've been staying in inns.
Well, we've been literally
staying in castles.
Sorry, we have, yeah. No, we've been
staying in castles, I think they're inns.
He stayed in inns,
he thought they were castles.
- So it's like a circle in a spiral.
- The other way around.
- Yes. Yes.
- Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
- on an ever-spinning reel.
- Yeah.
Like the circles that you find
in the "whindmills"
- of your mind.
- EMMA: The "whindmills."
That could be
a postmodern manifesto.
- It really could, it really could.
- Or, a lovely song from the '70s.
(CHEFS SPEAK SPANISH)
ROB: It is... Oh!
Do you mind asking for the bill?
Just cos we're going to have to vamos.
- La cuenta, por favor.
- Gracias.
YOLANDA: Francescana cake.
Francescanas were like
an order of priests.
And I think this used to be
their monastery, before it was a parador.
- STEVE: Really?
- EMMA: Ah, wow.
Mm-hm, it was a convent. That's true.
Aren't you supposed to exercise
self-denial when you're, er...?
EMMA: Yeah, this is quite indulgent,
isn't it?
It doesn't look like they're sort of
suffering and trying to, er...
(AS HENRY KELLY) Can I ask
for your silence, please?
- We're about to go live on air...
- Big hair shirt...
In five, four, three...
Hello and welcome back
to Guess The Bill.
You join us on the wonderful island
of Spain...
- Island of Spain?
- ...playing, once again, Guess The Bill.
It's our returning champion,
Stephen Coogan from Pedantry
in the North of England. Great to see -
you've brought your daughters
with you this time, Steve.
Wonderful to welcome them.
Hey, fingers crossed for Dad, yes?
Yeah!
- Steve, want to say a few words?
- Yeah, just a quick question.
I was just wondering why
you called Spain an island.
He's quite the inquisitive one,
this one, isn't he?! Steve...
- I'm curious myself, I have to say.
- Yeah, she's curious.
My daughter's curious, too.
Do you want to answer her?
You don't want to disrespect
my daughter, surely.
So, why do you think Spain is an island?
When I say "the island of Spain",
I mean the island of humanity.
Are you saying, Steve,
that Spain is inhumane,
- because of the bullfighting and all?
- No, I'm just saying
that Spain's not an island
- and you said it was an island.
- All right.
Listen, now. We're all delighted -
it's a special bumper edition tonight.
So, here we go.
Stephen... And, remember, Stevie -
- can I call you Stevie?
- No.
Remember, we've got
to take your first...
Look at his little face.
The little fella's excited -
it's wonderful to see! All right.
We've got to take your first answer.
EMMA: Oh, dear!
ROB: Is it 101.60 euro?
(SLURRED) Is it 200 euro on the nose?
Are you changing where you're from,
or are you having a stroke?
He's got a reply for every line, this one.
He's what I call a little fucker!
- (EMMA CHUCKLES)
- Or...
is it 134.99 euro?
Er, sh-sh-sh-sh!
Girls, please, don't help your dad.
(STEVE GROANS) I think
the bill is not 200. I think it's 130...
- What was it?
- 134.99?
- Yes, yes.
- OK.
- Steve...
- (SHE CLEARS THROAT)
You've only done it!
Give your dad a hug!
Well done, Steve. Give me your hand.
Let's give a big wave
to everybody at home.
Thanks for watching, everybody -
mums and dads, boys and girls.
Thanks to all the genuine Irish people
out there,
who actually live in Ireland
and know where Ireland is, and...
Ireland's an island.
(SPANISH ACCENT) When I think back
on the production I made as child,
there was The Bullfighter.
- EMMA: Oh, God.
- There was The Return Of The Bullfighter.
YOLANDA: Has he been eating
lots of Manchego cheese?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK, don't worry.
- ...The Bullfighter's Return, which was
a little twist on
The Return Of The Bullfighter.
- We'll lose these two later.
- It took the themes
of The Return Of The Bullfighter...
- OK, so here's the theatre, guys.
- ...but turned it around,
to make The Bullfighter's Return.
After that, I followed it up with
The Lady Was A Plumber. It was bold.
Whoa.
Look at this!
- EMMA: Amazing.
- ROB: Steve!
- You like it?
- Yeah, it's great.
ROB: Ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Ba! Nice sound.
Well, well, well.
Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?
Just the right size.
It must be quite big for you.
You're not intimidated, are you,
by the size of the audience?
- ROB: Yeah!
- EMMA: He's going to perform.
("SHAKESPEAREAN" VOICE)
Thank you, thank you.
- All the world's a stage...
- STEVE: Oh, God!
...and all the men and women
merely players.
They have their exits, their entrances.
One man in his time
will play many parts,
- his acts being seven ages.
- Who's that?
- Sorry?
- STEVE: Yeah, who's that?
- You're not serious? Richard Burton!
- EMMA: Oh, OK.
Of course it's Richard Burton!
- OK!
- Aw!
Then comes the lover,
sighing like a furnace...
You've missed a bit, Stephen.
You've missed a bit.
- What?
- First the infant...
- Oh, yeah.
- ...mewling and puking
at the nurse's arms, then...
(SING-SONG AMERICAN ACCENT)
...the whining schoolboy
with his shining face and satchel,
crawling like a snail
unwillingly on his way to school.
Then comes the last scene of all
that ends this strange eventful history...
Shakespeare in stereo.
Sans teeth, sans eyes,
sans taste, sans everything.
Mistress, turn ye not behind ye
where there the devil lays...
- STEVE: Lie...
- ...for 'tis here on the stage
where the lights doth commence
and the sound shall travel far.
Life does not take place
in the centre of a stage - it takes place
in the shadows,
behind the beams...
- In the royal circle, look you...
- In the corridors,
on the balconies of life.
That is where the real action takes place.
Not in the centre stage
with the crowd looking,
but behind you in the nooks, the crannies.
That is where you see real drama.
Come with me.
Come with me on a journey of life.
Come now.
Watch your head.
Mistress, listen not to that merry devil,
for he lingers behind thee,
where ye see not, whispering in the ear
with deceitful claims of avarice and lust,
yet now here he appears earthbound,
doth he not?
Shodden of his wings,
he falleth from a great height.
Mr. Steve... n Coogan.
Thanks very much, we'll be in touch.
- Thank you.
- I know I stumbled over the...
I don't think that matters,
I think we certainly got a sense of it
and it was, yeah, great. Very good.
- Thank you.
- OK. Cheers.
I've got a modern piece.
Er... Do you know what?
Um... We're just a bit pushed for time,
but a lovely, lovely piece.
Thanks very much. Should I get...?
If you go back there, there'll be
someone who'll show you out.
And you've got my CV?
Yeah, got that right here.
- But thank you very much indeed.
- Thanks. Really lovely to meet you.
Thanks a lot, Richard.
- What? Richard?
- Is it Richard?
I'm Rob Brydon.
- I haven't got it, have I?
- Um...
Why don't you have the balls to tell me
in front of my face I haven't got it?
You haven't got it.
Oh, fuck you.
Listen, there's no need to be bitter.
If we were doing a play
about a farcical panel show,
then you'd be right in your wheelhouse.
But unfortunately
this is slightly weightier stuff,
but full marks for giving it a go.
Great, yeah, that stuff's fantastic,
we love that stuff.
Yeah. Again, yeah, it's good.
Brilliant. No, lovely stuff.
Anyway, thanks and I look forward...
(EMMA AND YOLANDA LAUGH)
(BOTH RIFF ON "SPANISH FLY")
ROB: (AS KEN BRUCE) Spanish Fly,
Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan,
wonderful stuff from them.
Don't forget, coming on
later this morning...
STEVE: (AS TERRY WOGAN) Let me just
interrupt you there, old Kenny Bruce.
- Terry?
- Me old friend.
Because anyone who's anyone will know
that the title of the song by Herp Albert
is Spanish Flea, and not Spanish Fly.
I sit corrected, Terry.
More than anything else,
I'm very surprised to see you here.
Welcome back,
wonderful to have you here.
- Thank you. Always a pleasure.
- But may I be so bold
as to pick you up on a wee point
which is that it's not
Herb Albert, it's Herb Alpert with a P?
- Ah, yes.
- You got your Ps and your Bs
mixed up there.
You've got your fleas and your flies
all over...
- And you've got your...
- BOTH: Ps and your Bs...
I threw a little bowl of a mistake there
so that
you could pick me up,
so we're all even Stevens.
We'll probably never know
if that's the truth.
- Fleas, flies, Ps, Bs.
- You put a P in the wrong place,
I had a P in the wrong place once,
they won't let me back
in that supermarket again.
That's right, yes. And don't forget
that, you know, time flies like an arrow,
but fruit flies like a banana.
- EMMA: The views.
- STEVE: Yeah.
- YOLANDA: I think it should be...
- EMMA: Are we lost?
ROB: Where is the entrance?
Don't tell me that's it.
You're not serious?!
Well, this isn't a cave, is it?
This is a wall.
Is that what we walked up for, seriously?
Yeah.
The ones at Altamira
were much better than that.
You would look around, there were bisons,
you could make things out,
there were colours, it was beautiful.
But it wasn't real, Rob.
It was fake, it was facsimile.
Look, that's like a cross.
ROB: Are you sure these are paintings?
- That's the figure of a man.
- That's a stain.
Give me that.
Here, you are. There's a man.
EMMA: Wow.
- ROB: That does look like a man.
- Brandishing something, I'd say.
What's that up there?
That's some sort of deer over there.
I mean, you've just got to look closely.
- I preferred Altamira.
- Seriously?
- Yes.
- This is 14,000 years old,
one of the earliest examples of man...
EMMA: Or woman.
- Or woman...
- Thank you.
- ...trying to be creative.
- EMMA: Yeah.
- This is beautiful, very calming.
- ROB: Yeah.
It's wonderful.
It's interesting isn't it? We started
in the birthplace of King Ferdinand,
and here we are at the place
where they were buried.
- Here?
- Yeah, in the hotel.
- It wasn't a hotel then.
- No.
That would be awful, wouldn't it?
Dreadful.
- "I have a reservation for Smith."
- Corpses of...
"Wait a moment, please,
we are about to bury the King."
"What?"
"Yes, we have a gymnasium."
Why are they buried in Granada, then?
Because this is the last town
to fall to the Catholics.
That's why they called them
the Catholic king and queen.
They started the Spanish Inquisition.
Yeah.
(NASAL MUMBLING)
...in the Spanish Inquisition,
and there were going to be parts
when my jaws... You don't know
what I'm doing, do you?
- No idea.
- I'm doing Marlon Brando.
If you have to tell someone
who you're doing,
- it's not really working.
- I don't know anybody
- who wouldn't know that was Brando.
- Well...
There's parts where I wanna convert
the Moors...
(AS BRANDO) It's not actually that good
because he has a more nuanced
way of talking.
You know, it's like this
and he has those gestures
and it's quite a high voice,
it's almost effeminate sometimes.
Sometimes it can be effeminate
almost, but he was...
When he was Torquemada...
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
The thing about the Moors is
they were way more tolerant
than the Catholics who came after them.
I'm a big fan of the Moors.
Dudley Moore,
Christy Moore,
- Patrick Moore.
- EMMA: No "Moor". Please!
(AS ROGER MOORE) Roger Moore.
You know, when I think back
to the Moors being here in Spain,
I could honestly say
we had a wonderful time.
Mother booked the Holiday Inn, we arrived,
and found the hotel to be to our liking.
(AS ROGER MOORE) Of course,
what you're forgetting to point out is
that the Moors, when they conquered Spain,
in the early eighth century,
they were encountering a Europe
that was still very much in the Dark Ages.
It was pitch-black.
But they of course built
beautiful palaces like this.
They were very ahead of their time.
I have to tell you,
when we were building these palaces,
my fellow Moors -
mother, father and sister -
sometimes we would encounter a workman
who perhaps wasn't working
quite as quickly as I would want,
and then I would say to him...
- Move!
- Move!
Move!
- Move!
- Move!
- Move!
- Um...
A lot of them thought
they were hearing cows.
The thing about doing Roger Moore...
- Yes?
- Less is more.
Ah, you've met my brother, Les?
Les, come in.
That's right, I'm also a Moore.
Les Moore.
I was trying to hint that you should
always leave your audience wanting more.
My audience constantly wants Moore,
and that's what I give them.
Roger Moore.
Or quit while you're ahead.
They introduced the orange to Spain.
- The Moors?
- Yeah.
Really?
- She's absolutely right.
- From where?
I guess Morocco.
That's where they were coming from.
I could explain it to you,
if you like. It was my mother,
she packed one
into her hand luggage.
- He didn't get the hint, did he?
- No.
...on one of our holidays and, of course,
I said, "Mother, what are you doing?"
She said, "Shush, Roger, I'm going
to introduce the orange to Spain."
Another thing the Moors introduced
was, of course, our numerical system.
That's right, we brought
- a calculator with us.
- Because basically
we used to use Roman numerals.
And it's only when they brought
the Arabic numerical system
that we then developed that into
the numerical system we use today.
(ROB CONTINUES AS ROGER MOORE)
- Mother said it would never work.
- This is really crazy.
The fact is that the Moors
were far more sophisticated.
- They knew about medicine, philosophy...
- That's right.
- ...mathematics...
- Correct.
...astronomy...
- Oh, we love looking at the stars.
- Very, very... Way more advanced...
And also managed to marry...
My parents did marry.
You're quite right.
They married at a young age,
they had me and my sister.
Rob, seriously, seriously.
He's got, like, Tourette's.
It was a wonderful day.
My uncle Bertie gave a sermon,
he was a preacher, you see.
The Greek philosophers were translated
into Arabic by the Moors,
and it was only during the Crusades,
when they invaded Toledo...
...I remember father, sitting at his desk,
translating night and day.
My mother would say to him, "When are
you going to take Roger to the park?"
Aristotle's teachings were translated
into Arabic, by the Muslims,
and then during the Crusades...
Why didn't you say
they were done by the Moors?
- Are you trying to discourage me?
- What?
- EMMA: Please, yes!
- You've stopped saying "Moors",
you've started saying "Muslims",
and I find that a little racially...
- Go on, go on.
- ...offensive.
You started off
referring to us as the Moors,
- now you're referring to us as Muslims.
- The Moors were Muslims.
- But why did you start with Moors?
- It doesn't matter,
the people I'm talking about were
one and the same. Moors were Muslims.
I'm not Roger Muslim, I'm Roger Moore.
EMMA: Dear God! Oh, dear.
By the way, I've got you a ticket
for first thing in the morning
to see the Alhambra.
- Oh, brilliant. Great, great.
- Rob, I've got one for you too.
Can I go later? Can I go after breakfast?
- It'll be busy.
- Yolanda, you should come with me.
I can't. I have to take an early flight
back to London.
Really? That's a shame.
You're leaving me alone with him?
Ah, you won't be alone,
I'm coming with you to Malaga.
I'm going to make sure
Joe gets to you safely.
- Thank the Lord.
- Great.
(SKYPE DIAL TONE)
- Hello?
- Hey. Hey, Dad.
Hey, how are you doing?
- Um, yeah, I'm good. How are you?
- Great,
really looking forward to seeing you.
I've missed you, buddy.
Yeah, that was... That was
what I was calling about, actually.
Yeah, Emma's...
She's been in touch, right?
She said she's organised all the flights
- and what have you.
- No, that...
I can't come.
- What are you talking about?
- I just... I just can't come.
I'm sorry, I just...
I just can't come, at the moment.
I need to stay here with Helen.
What's going on? Talk to me.
She's pregnant.
You're fucking kidding me.
- She's...
- You fucking idiot!
She's pregnant, so I need to stay here
with her, so we can figure out
- what we're going to do.
- Wait, wait...
Are you certain she's pregnant?
Yes, she's definitely pregnant.
And are you sure it's yours?
Dad!
Um...
Um...
You're 20 years old,
you're too young to have a kid,
you know... Any decisions you make now
will have ramifications
for the rest of your life.
Yes, I know.
But I'm not just making decisions
for me any more.
I need to think about her,
and what we're going to do.
Oh, for crying out loud, this is...
(SIGHS)
Sorry.
Listen, you don't have to be sorry, OK?
It's OK. It doesn't matter
about coming out here.
You know, just...
Whatever happens,
I'm here for you, all right?
- Thanks, Dad.
- And I love you.
I love you too.
OK, listen, um...
Don't worry about it, all right?
Yeah.
I love you
and I'll talk to you later, OK?
Love you too.
(CALL ENDS)
I hate being a tourist, you know.
So that's why it's great
that I'm with a native.
(CROWD CHATTERS)
- This is wonderful.
- It is.