The Trip (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Hotel Locarno, Rome - full transcript
Steve is jealous when Rob tells him of the possibility of his acting role in America but films a demo of him going through his lines with the receptionist. They then press on to Rome to meet Steve's assistant Emma and photographer Yolanda. They do the tourist sites including the house shared by Keats and Shelley before lunching at the Ristorante Oliver Glowig where they entertain the women with their impressions. Afterwards Rob goes to his room where he gets a call from Lucy, who is keen to see him again.
Hello? Steve, it's Rob.
Oh hey, hey. How's the show going?
Just finished.
Just started the hiatus.
Yeah, I know. I spoke to your agent.
Listen, The Observer wants us
to do more restaurant reviews.
Another six lunches. Really?
But this time in Italy.
La bella Italia, yeah?
What do you think?
Well...
They'll fly you to Europe.
First class? No.
They're offering business.
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
For you, sir.
Grazie Mille. Prego.
Grazie. Sleep well last night?
Yeah, like a baby. I didn't.
Up worrying all night. Why?
Been sent a script
for an American film.
Got to put it on tape, get it back
to them today.
What's the part?
The lead in a Michael Mann film.
What? Really? Yeah.
Well, it's a mafia film.
One of the leads.
He's a sort of an easily
led sort of guy,
who gets killed at the second act.
You're Welsh. Lot of similarities
between the Welsh and the Italians,
you know that. No, there aren't.
Yes, there are. Both love singing.
Both short and swarthy.
Both love ice cream.
There's loads of Italians in Wales
who run ice cream parlours.
You winding me up? No.
So will you
help me with the audition later?
It's just an audition.
It's not an offer, is it?
No, I've got to put myself on tape.
So will you help me? Right.
Help you and read the other part?
No, Alba's going to read
the other part. Who?
Alba. The receptionist. She's going
to read the other part? How...
Yeah, it's a woman's part.
How do you wangle that? I asked her.
We rehearsed last night.
She'll read.
I just need you to hold the camera.
A nice shot.
You're back?
AMERICAN ACCENT: Working
late, sorry. You want a drink?
I was already in bed. Long night.
When I used to imagine what we'd be
doing ten years ago...
She'd be at school. This is it.
I love you. I love Izzy.
I love this house. And now that
we got it, I can't enjoy it.
There's too much going on out there.
My head has to be out there.
Why don't we just get away?
Go to the lake house.
Just a few days, like we used to?
I can't right now.
That's, erm...
Do you want to do it like that?
Why not?
I think a sprinkling
of Al Pacino would be good,
but you...do you really want to be
doing an impersonation?
I want to do it like this.
Mind you, you might not
recognise who you're doing.
So, there might be some
method in your madness.
Well, I'm a method actor.
AS AL PACINO: There is
method in my madness. That is Al.
NORMAL VOICE: Al Pacino.
AS AL PACINO: Not what I was doing.
Right, shall we do it again,
Mr Kubrick?
Alba, when Rob kisses you, you look
very uncomfortable. No, I'm happy.
Yeah? I'm comfortable. OK. Great.
Whenever you're ready.
("Hand In My Pocket"
by Alanis Morissette plays)
STEVE HESITANTLY SINGS ALONG
# I'm broke but I'm happy
# I'm poor but I'm kind
# I'm short and I'm healthy, yeah
# I'm high but I'm grounded
# I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
# I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
# What it all comes down to
# Is that everything's going to
be fine, fine, fine
# Cause I've got one
hand in my pocket
♪ And the other one is
giving a high-five... ♪
Yeah, keep your hands on the wheel.
That's what she...
That's what she's saying. She's not
driving the car though
with a passenger in.
Yeah, but she's like...
Yeah, if she were driving, I would
say the same to her.
"Alanis, love, both hands on the
wheel, please".
There is light at the end
of the tunnel. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but then just
when you think everything's good,
all of a sudden... Then and
suddenly... ..out of nowhere.
..out of nowhere,
you're in the dark again.
Right, now then.
Go left, go left. I can't fuck, fuck,
fuck, can't go left.
Fuck, fuck, fuck?
You're being Hugh Grant... Fuck,
fuck, fuckety fuck.
That's no entry. Can we have the sat
nav on now please? OK.
PHONE RINGS
Where are you?
I think we're on the outskirts
of Rome. Right, well, we're here.
We've arrived already. So...
if you definitely follow
the signs for the centre,
we're near the Piazza Del Popolo.
What signs?
There are no signs. If you follow
signs for the centre.
Guide us in. Ask her just
to talk us in,
like a stricken pilot in an airliner.
Have you not got your sat nav? It's
having trouble finding the satellite.
Ooh hot.
AS ALAN BENNETT: Steven, struggling
to cope with the heat.
Seriously, will you, please will you
just not do that any more?
Seriously? Yeah. Say no more.
Can I just...
And go left, go left.
Can't go left. There's a bike there.
I'll kill him.
Right. You got a right,
right, right. Up there, there. Whoa!
Bloody hell.
This is where we're going, right?
That's where we want to be. You need
to go round. Watch him, watch him.
Watch the Smart car, watch the Smart
car! What now? Bloody hell.
What's wrong with you?
Right, go round
this wall and get back inside.
"While stands the Coliseum,
Rome shall stand.
"When the Coliseum falls,
Rome shall fall.
"When Rome falls, the world."
Russell Crowe? Gladiator?
Almost. Lord Byron.
ROB AS RUSSELL CROWE: "When the
Coliseum stands, Rome stands."
Making it sound like it's a
Rolf Harris reciting Byron,
trying to do Russell Crowe.
AS ROLF HARRIS: Can you tell what it
is yet? I'm a Gladiator.
Is this the right way?
There is an obelisk in our square.
I know that.
You'll have to go around...all right,
watch him. All right. Is this Popolo?
Is this Piazza Del Popolo?
I don't know.
Yeah, this is it. This is it, this is
it. Thank God for that.
Bleeding ridiculous.
It's not like it's a new town.
They've had 2,000 years to sort out
the traffic system.
I'm going to bring up the suitcases.
No, they can do that.
And they can park the car.
Steve. Hi. How you doing?
Hello. You all right?
Yeah, it was a nightmare. How are
you? You all right? Nice to see you.
Nice to see you too. You remember
Yolanda? Yeah, hi, how are you?
Nice to see you. How are you?
Careful, I'm very, very sweaty.
Looking good. Thank you. Nice dress.
Lady in red. Terrible song.
Well, you've made it in the end.
You're here now.
Yes, all roads lead to Rome.
Absolutely.
All the roads we were on went round
in circles. So are we checked in?
No, actually you're not
staying here.
You're going to stay
in the apartment above
the Keats and Shelley Museum.
Where Keats lived. Yeah.
Can we use your rooms for us
to have a shower or something?
Course you can. All right. Can you
get our bags shown up to the room?
Yeah. We'll sort it all out.
Take your time. See you in a bit.
It's quite small. Wow, it's nice.
Posthumous Reputations.
"Though hardly known during their
lifetime, after their death,
"both Keats and Shelley became more
famous than Byron."
So? There you go. There is hope.
People will laugh at your jokes
when you're dead.
You're not "hardly known", Rob.
Thank you.
There's Byron. Let's have a shot.
Stick yourself in front of him. Then
make the pose.
You're a good mimic.
Oh, he can't decide.
Yes, he's going to do it.
Right, hang on. Ready?
Wait a minute. One, two, three.
Bang. Nice.
Well done. Look at that.
That's good. That is good actually.
Captures his dark mood.
Oh, you've done that.
Is this where Shelley was cremated?
That's Viareggio. Oh, wow, yeah.
That's where we were yesterday.
Sun loungers don't really
come across as they should.
This is Teresa Guiccioli.
Come and see this.
She's the one who was the...
she was married to a nobleman,
she became Byron's mistress
when she was 17
and they made love for four
days straight.
Wow. I mean is that possible?
Well, yeah.
Steve, four days
continuous love making.
I'm glad you didn't try to answer
that yourself.
No. Out of my depth.
I've gone to an expert.
It depends what you
mean by continuous... Well, exactly.
What do they mean by continuous?
..like four times a day
probably. Is that... Yeah. Yeah.
When it's on a weekend,
I mean, on a bank holiday,
that's easily achievable.
THEY LAUGH
My God, is that his bed?
It's so small.
Is this the one he actually died in?
There's a little sign here.
It's by IKEA. From their Romantics
Collection. Right.
If you're, you know, don't have much
space in the spare room,
but you want to have a poet to die.
Oh, this is nice. It's really nice.
You can imagine you're living just
where Keats was living. Yeah.
He didn't really live here, did
he? I mean, it's just, you know,
came here and then died.
You are close to great location,
The Spanish Steps. The Spanish
Steps.
SPANISH ACCENT: For me, the
Spanish Step, if I am in Rome,
is the one place I have to go. People
say, Manchego, why?
I say, because for me, a little bit
of Spain in Italy, right now.
Emma?
Yeah? There's only one double bed.
What?
Why don't we put a step in here?
It's right next to the...
And he's doing... Listen.
Do you want to sleep next to that?
Not really.
What you saying then? What do you
want? Just get a room at your hotel.
Yep, of course. Great. Good.
Gin and tonic. Gin and tonic. Oh,
that's me. You sir.
And lemonade for
the boy. Thank you very much.
Just the tonic.
Enjoy your drink. Grazia.
Look, there's so many tourists.
It's really...
it's crazy, isn't it? There's too
many people in the world.
It's overcrowded. In Shelley and
Byron's day, there was only,
not much more than
one billion people.
But there's always
been tourists here.
That's why Byron left here. He said,
"I'm getting away from the tourists."
And they annoyed him then
and there would have been far fewer.
Yeah, but you should be pleased.
The whole reason you can get
this many people is
because the ordinary man can travel,
which is your big thing, isn't it?
In his day, it was just
the aristocracy. It was the nobleman.
E.M. Forster writing about English
and Americans touring round Italy.
Yeah, like Room With A View.
Yeah, with Daniel Day Lewis,
when he used to be posh,
before he became Irish.
AS POSH DANIEL DAY LEWIS:
Miss Honeychurch,
I wondered if you might allow me the
privilege of joining you for dinner
on the Palazzo this evening?
Why are you doing Hugh Grant?
I'm not doing Hugh Grant.
Hugh Grant would be, "Oh, gosh,
Miss Honeychurch. I wondered if you
"might, as it were, join me
this evening?"
It's different. Yeah. It sounds like,
a Hugh Grant, half an octave up.
I went taller as well. I went taller.
I straightened my back.
AS DANIEL DAY LEWIS: I would, I
spent 16 years of my life in prison
for something I didn't do.
I saw my father die in prison
for something he didn't do.
"Daniel Day Lewis, is
Ronan Keating in Boyzone The Movie."
It's Gerry Conlon from the Guildford
Four. Was that after Westlife?
No, the Guildford Four.
Wrongfully convicted of bombing
the Guildford pubs in 1974,
along with the Birmingham Six.
Did you ever see "Dan" in Lincoln?
Apparently they had to call him
Mr President on set. Yeah.
AS ABRAHAM LINCOLN: I wish to abolish
slavery before
my term as president is done.
I simply need the right
number of votes from congress.
I think on the basis of that,
you might be able to do a good
Katharine Hepburn. Yes.
AS KATHARINE HEPBURN: Norman, Norman,
the loons, Norman, the loons.
Come and see the loons, Norman.
AS HENRY FONDA: Yeah,
sure you want to,
you want to violate my own
daughter under my own roof?
Oh, Norman.
Nobody wants to violate our daughter.
Well, he wants to
share a bedroom with her.
Well let 'em
share a bedroom, Norman.
These are the modern times. It's the
1970s.
Have you seen Dan Day Lewis
in the remake of
Fellini's 8½?
Yeah. And there was a musical
version called Nine. Oh, God, yeah.
Dreadful. Awful.
You know every Italian film you
reference is directed by Fellini?
Did you get the box
set for Christmas? He's iconic.
Isn't he iconic?
He's making an oblique reference
to Alanis Morissette.
Been listening to a lot of Alanis.
It's his favourite CD.
My wife's favourite CD. Is it? Mmhm.
Isn't that one about a disastrous
relationship? Well, yes.
She listened to it just before she
met me. Very good.
OK, that's all right then. I like
Alanis. She's very passionate.
Now then, lunch.
I was given a choice by The Observer.
You can either go to this little sort
of hostaria,
little side street thing.
Or, Oliver Glowig's new two
Michelin starred restaurant.
And which did you choose?
Oliver Glowig. Good.
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
Oh, no, thank you.
Sorry, I'm OK.
Have a glass of wine.
Come on, we're all going to have a
glass of wine. Yeah, no, I can't.
You on the wagon? I can't, because
I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God. Really?
Congratulations. Yeah.
Wow. Thank you.
No, erm, that's fantastic. Thanks.
Congratulations.
Yeah. How far gone?
About three and a half months. Wow.
So yeah, why? Did you just
think I'd gotten fat?
Well, I didn't like to say.
Well, you look good. You look...
No, you're blooming.
"Blooming" is what you say when you
think, "they're packing a few
pounds".
I thought you were either pregnant,
or... Let myself go.
..you're depressed.
And you're eating.
Service.
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
Grazia. Grazia.
Pasta's perfect. Very delicate.
You can tell that's handmade pasta.
You can tell, can't you?
It's lovely. Yeah.
What's the food been like
so far in Italy,
compared to the food in the Lakes?
A lot of pasta.
A lot of pasta. Yeah.
You can't do the Atkins Diet on this
trip. Well, you are in Italy.
I'm going to channel my inner
Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love
and get in touch with
my love of pasta.
That film was so funny.
Unintentionally funny.
She's this American woman.
Very sophisticated. Very rich.
She acts like she's never seen a
bowl of pasta or pizza in her life.
I was like... I know.
And she pitches up in Italy
and she wants to have a bath,
but there's no hot water in Italy.
Which is absurd.
How's the plumbing
been on your trip?
I've been very happy with
the level of plumbing. Yeah.
We haven't had any water
works issues.
Not with the baths, no,
but personally, I'm always troubled.
You're getting to that age, Rob.
Well, I had cystitis for a while.
Not now, Steve. Not now.
It's not, no, sorry, a long,
long time ago. Very long time.
Long time ago. Long time ago.
We were going to go to Naples because
Shelley lived there, Casanova,
but he's put the kybosh
on that so now...
I just wanted a bit of glamour.
In my head I thought we'd get a bit
of glamour, a bit of like, you know,
Dolce Vita, Anita Ekberg... Oh,
yeah, in the Trevi Fountain.
..and Marcello, what's his name?
Marcello Mastroianni.
Marcello Mastroianni. He got very
cross when I told him
I couldn't deliver Anita Ekberg.
He really had one of his fits then.
Do you know, driving along in a TR3
with a cigarette hanging out the
corner of his mouth, "Ciao bella."
Well, the cigarette might fall out
if you said that.
We were going to go there, but he
doesn't want to.
So instead, we're going to the Amalfi
Coast. Nice. Pompeii. Sicily.
Oh, why Sicily? Why Sicily? Yeah.
AS AL PACINO: You're
asking me why...
She doesn't know what it's got to do
with Shelley and Byron.
..we go to Sicily, let me tell you.
Nothing is the answer.
It has nothing to do with
Shelley and Byron
AS MARLON BRANDO: Sicily is the home
of the Godfather. Of course.
We're thinking of going to Sicily,
because it's where the Godfather
began, you know on Corleone.
I want to have a homage.
Sounds like he's deaf. A pilgrimage.
MIMICS ROB: I love you very much.
He knows very well...
ROB'S SPEECH
IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE
I normally like your impressions
quite a lot.
That's not his voice. It's like
that?
No, I know that's not his voice
either. It's a deaf person.
Well, you show me the voice. I can't
do the voice. All I know is that
that's a deaf person. You come to me
but you don't call me Godfather.
You tell me you do the talk
but you don't know the words.
AS MARLON BRANDO: You know, it turns
out that when you're doing it...
That's Jimmy Savile. What are you
doing? "Now then, now then, now
then."
You want to talk about Jimmy
Savile? No, let's not bring that up.
He... Do you know what he said in
his autobiography? Yeah. yeah, true.
He said... He did
an interview about Jimmy Savile
and it said, "Jimmy's a great guy. I
really admire Jimmy Savile,"
blah, blah, blah.
Right and when he died,
he said, "People said
"when he died all this stuff was
going to come out and has it?"
Oh, Rob. That's what he said.
And do you know when it came out?
About a week after. A week later.
Oh, no. A week later.
Did you have no inkling that he was
a bit dodgy? Everyone
else... Exactly.
Everyone else thought, "This guy's
fucking weird".
AS JIMMY SAVILE: I mean like, "How's
about that then?"
I met him
when I was 18 and he was lovely...
I thought you were going to say you
met him when you were eight.
Everyone else thought he was weird.
He seemed to think he was perfectly
normal. I had an act with a friend.
We were on a radio show
and he was the main guest, right?
I was about 18, maybe 19.
And he talked to us and he said,
AS JIMMY SAVILE: "Look at me," he
said, "Look at me.
"I can't sing, I
can't dance, I can't act.
"I can do fuck all. So what do I do?
I turn up, I smile, I wave.
"The punters say, they look at me,
they say, Jimmy's happy,
"therefore, so are we."
NORMAL VOICE: And that was his
philosophy.
AS JIMMY SAVILE: Well the thing is
you don't do him like the...
Well, I don't come from
Manchester, do I?
Well, neither does he actually.
He's actually from Leeds.
How's about that? Now then.
I used to do him on Spitting Image.
You do -
and I'm going to say it publically -
you do a fantastic Savile.
It is better than mine. It is
as though you were kindred spirits.
Come on, you can do a Marlon Brando,
can't you? Some Brando.
Come on Steve, you can do it.
Let's have a Marlon off. Come on.
Let's hear your Marlon. Fine.
Let's even things out now
with your Marlon.
Can you put bread in your cheeks?
Careful, that's crusty bread.
He finds some of the crustier bread
a little difficult these days.
I tend to cut it up for him.
Aww, you have to puree it for him.
Yeah, I cut it up for him, yeah.
It'll be good. OK, oh, there you go.
Oh, now there you have it.
AS MARLON BRANDO: It's
like going to the dentist.
You what? What? It's like going to
the dentist. Say again?
You wonder where your tent is.
What? Send re-enforcements.
We're going to send re-enforcements.
We're going to advance.
"Send three and four pence,
we're going to a dance?"
Thank you very much.
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
Go on. You do it
and I'm the background bit.
AS MARLON BRANDO: The whole time, you
know,
I just bite my tongue, you know, and
hey, I can be the Godfather.
What is it you're playing, Steve?
Mandolin. Mandolin.
Was it a miniature mandolin?
Are they all that size?
Are they all that small?
They're very small, yeah.
Have you seen a mandolin?
Like this...it's like that.
Is this Leonard Rossiter playing the
mandolin? Is that who it is? My God.
I think that's quite good. Don't
you? How long have you been playing?
Service.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
You've got as a main course,
what I had as a starter.
My little envelopes with the mussels
inside. They look like hats,
like old priests hats.
They do look like little hats, don't
they? They're really cute.
Do you know how they make them
that colour? No. Squid ink. Grazia.
Really? Squid ink. Is that quidditch?
It's like quidditch,
except they use squid ink,
instead of flying ball.
Shall we begin?
Yes, I think we shall.
Let's let the expectant
mother set us off. OK.
And so she plunges
the knife into the John Dory.
"Ouch", says the fish and we're away.
Oh, don't!
What is that? Mmm, fantastic.
Mary Shelley, I think, was the most
interesting of all of them. I agree.
I absolutely loved Frankenstein.
She was more successful than her
husband. Yes, she was.
She was way more successful.
Probably why Shelley had
so many affairs with so many women.
Probably just jealous of her. And he
slept with her step sister Claire.
Yes, well, talking about
Frankenstein, of course,
brings to mind my dear friend
Sir Kenneth Branagh
and his production of Frankenstein
with De Niro.
AS ROBERT DE NIRO: I got a, I got a,
I got a bolt in my neck.
I've got to get a bolt. Got to get
the bolt out of my neck.
Got to get this bolt out of my neck.
He's got a big bolt in his neck.
Bloody hell. That's...
Look at you bursting.
AS ROBERT DE NIRO: Robert here's
trying to divert you from the fact
that he can't do Robert De Niro.
He doesn't know how to do it, speak
through the nose like that.
You got to get that sound,
talking through his nose like that.
And the whole facial gesture thing,
that's all part of it.
Yeah, that's a bit more familiar.
Talk like that, you know.
That's the way he talks. Hey, Frank,
what you got in your neck?
You got something in your neck.
What's that sticking out of
your neck? I got some bolts in my
goddamn fucking neck. You shut the
fuck up or I'll rip your head off,
shit down your fucking neck,
you stupid bitch sucking mother
fucking...
But that's how... He speaks like
that.
It was like watching the video.
I don't remember that from
Frankenstein. No, I don't.
Was that on the extras? Do you have
to buy the box set to see that?
OK.
Mary and Shelley together,
they had five kids.
Four of them were lost before he
drowned though.
That's why they left Rome,
was because William had malaria.
Yeah, and had died. And yeah,
so she was heartbroken.
Well, she was depressed.
He had two kids with his first wife,
who, once she died,
he was never allowed to see.
In fairness, she committed suicide,
because he abandoned her
when she was pregnant with
the second one.
Well, yes, some say that,
because it is a fact.
But none the less, it's still any
way you look at it,
it's a tragic bloody story, isn't it?
Yes, it's awful. That's the point.
There's been a lot of death on this
trip. Yeah, well, sounds like fun.
I'm glad to know it must have
been...
I don't just mean when Rob's trying
to do his routine, you know.
It's mostly that, but not all that,
you know. No. No, no. I don't know.
It's just, it must have been
horrific having kids in those days.
Grazia senor. So, photos.
I thought we could go to...
There's this foreigner's cemetery,
where Keats and Shelley are buried.
Oh, yeah. And it's very nice.
So I just thought we could go there.
You could put me
next to Shelley's grave if you want.
I'm not being photographed next to
Keats. No way. Why not? Why not?
He's a bed wetter.
Grazia.
IRISH ACCENT: Well, we've come to
that time again,
it's become something of a tradition
on this excursion around Italy,
where we ask you to play guess the
bill. And as ever,
our contestant tonight is from
Pedantry in the north of England.
His name is Steve Coogan.
Steven, here we go and remember, I
will have to take your first answer.
Is the amount of the bill,
A, six euro?
B, nine euro?
That's B, nine euro.
or Steven, is it C, 597 euro?
And Steven, I will have to take the
first answer, so I will.
597. You've got it Steven.
You've got through. You've won again.
Congratulations to Steven, to all
his family. They're all coming down.
We'll see you at the same time next
week for more of the same.
Thanks for watching. Good night.
I don't like to win like that.
I like it to be hard. Well...
I like to risk failure.
Yeah, I know,
but I don't want to see you lose.
I don't want to pick up the pieces
when you guess the bill wrong.
No, I like to risk failure,
but I never fail.
That's... We haven't got time to
discuss that now, Steven, have we?
That's the crux.
AS ANTHONY HOPKINS: "Go thou to Rome.
At once, paradise,
"the grave, the city and the
wilderness.
"And where its wrecks
like shattered mountains rise,
"to flowered weeds and
fragrant copses dressed the bones..."
Why can't you do it in
your own voice?
Because I think Sir Anthony's voice
is the perfect one for the occasion.
"..Dress the bones of desolation's
nakedness. Pass..."
Do you know what it means?
No, but I like the sound.
You can tell. "..Pass until the
spirit of the spot
"guides thy footsteps to slope of
green access, where,
"like an infant's smile over the
dead,
"a light of laughing
flowers along the grass is spread."
There's Shelley.
Wow.
"Nothing of him that doth fade,
but doth suffer a sea change,
"into something rich and strange."
Defying the physical, isn't it?
Transcendent. Yeah. It's Trelawny.
And his poetry
lives on in a way that...
"These are two friends whose lives
were undivided."
Trelawny died aged 88.
Shelley was what, 26?
So 62 years they were divided
and he bought this plot,
because he maintained the grave
and he bought the boat that sank,
that killed Shelley. So it's a bit
rich him burying himself
next to him. He spent his whole life
dining out on the fact
that he knew Byron and Shelley and
claimed to know Keats, which he
didn't.
Steve, look at the book. Good.
OK, now I'm looking away.
I'm thinking. Uhhuh.
The light here is great.
My favourite film is Roman Holiday.
Oh, yes. Do you remember,
Gregory Peck? Of course.
He had his flat in number 51 Via
Margutta. Yes. This is Via Margutta.
Seriously? Yeah. This is it. Wow.
And do you remember when
he took her upstairs?
He said... No, she said when she got
up there - because it was
so tiny - she was like,
"Is this the elevator?"
The elevator, yeah. Yeah. I love
Audrey Hepburn. And Ingrid Bergman.
Brilliant actors. (Keats, Shelley).
La Dolce Vita. Si.
Well, actually, most people think
that Dolce Vita's about the
glamour of Rome, but it's about the
opposite. Yeah.
It's about the emptiness of that
life. The superficiality. Yeah.
Vacuous people.
The term paparazzi
comes from the film Dolce Vita.
That's where it came from?
Of course, in Roman Holiday, Gregory
Peck plays the journalist
and his photographer friend is
played by Eddie Albert.
Yes, with his Zippo lighter, he had
his Zippo.
Which is where the term
Eddie Alberto comes from.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Rob, it's Lucy.
So tell me about, are you still
seeing that guy? What's his name?
Roberto. Roberto.
Roberto Brydono.
I'm sorry. Horrible thought. Go on.
Hello. Can you hear me?
Yeah. How are you?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I've been missing you. Oh, well, I
missed you too.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I've been
missing Hugh Grant as well.
Well, yes, of course.
I mean it's a terrible loss.
I think we'll all miss him.
AS HUGH GRANT: I'm sure that
were he here now,
he would apologise
profusely for his absence
and I daresay he would delight
at the prospect of dropping anchor
once again,
in, uhm,...in Lucy Cove,
if that's
not too inopportune, sort of, yeah.
IN NORMAL VOICE: Oh, you laughed,
thank God.
It would be lovely to see
you again, if you wanted.
Yes, it would, wouldn't it? Yes.
How can we do that?
Well, I don't know.
Where are you? Rome.
Ah, I see.
Well, shall I call you again? Yeah.
Would you mind? Is that a good idea?
Absolutely, yes. That would be good.
I'd accept the call. Definitely.
It's nice to see you.
It was nice to see you too.
Yeah, yeah, you look fantastic.
Thank you.
I think your hair...
Good, well, I'll call you soon then.
All right, bye, Lucy. Bye. Bye.
Oh hey, hey. How's the show going?
Just finished.
Just started the hiatus.
Yeah, I know. I spoke to your agent.
Listen, The Observer wants us
to do more restaurant reviews.
Another six lunches. Really?
But this time in Italy.
La bella Italia, yeah?
What do you think?
Well...
They'll fly you to Europe.
First class? No.
They're offering business.
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
For you, sir.
Grazie Mille. Prego.
Grazie. Sleep well last night?
Yeah, like a baby. I didn't.
Up worrying all night. Why?
Been sent a script
for an American film.
Got to put it on tape, get it back
to them today.
What's the part?
The lead in a Michael Mann film.
What? Really? Yeah.
Well, it's a mafia film.
One of the leads.
He's a sort of an easily
led sort of guy,
who gets killed at the second act.
You're Welsh. Lot of similarities
between the Welsh and the Italians,
you know that. No, there aren't.
Yes, there are. Both love singing.
Both short and swarthy.
Both love ice cream.
There's loads of Italians in Wales
who run ice cream parlours.
You winding me up? No.
So will you
help me with the audition later?
It's just an audition.
It's not an offer, is it?
No, I've got to put myself on tape.
So will you help me? Right.
Help you and read the other part?
No, Alba's going to read
the other part. Who?
Alba. The receptionist. She's going
to read the other part? How...
Yeah, it's a woman's part.
How do you wangle that? I asked her.
We rehearsed last night.
She'll read.
I just need you to hold the camera.
A nice shot.
You're back?
AMERICAN ACCENT: Working
late, sorry. You want a drink?
I was already in bed. Long night.
When I used to imagine what we'd be
doing ten years ago...
She'd be at school. This is it.
I love you. I love Izzy.
I love this house. And now that
we got it, I can't enjoy it.
There's too much going on out there.
My head has to be out there.
Why don't we just get away?
Go to the lake house.
Just a few days, like we used to?
I can't right now.
That's, erm...
Do you want to do it like that?
Why not?
I think a sprinkling
of Al Pacino would be good,
but you...do you really want to be
doing an impersonation?
I want to do it like this.
Mind you, you might not
recognise who you're doing.
So, there might be some
method in your madness.
Well, I'm a method actor.
AS AL PACINO: There is
method in my madness. That is Al.
NORMAL VOICE: Al Pacino.
AS AL PACINO: Not what I was doing.
Right, shall we do it again,
Mr Kubrick?
Alba, when Rob kisses you, you look
very uncomfortable. No, I'm happy.
Yeah? I'm comfortable. OK. Great.
Whenever you're ready.
("Hand In My Pocket"
by Alanis Morissette plays)
STEVE HESITANTLY SINGS ALONG
# I'm broke but I'm happy
# I'm poor but I'm kind
# I'm short and I'm healthy, yeah
# I'm high but I'm grounded
# I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
# I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
# What it all comes down to
# Is that everything's going to
be fine, fine, fine
# Cause I've got one
hand in my pocket
♪ And the other one is
giving a high-five... ♪
Yeah, keep your hands on the wheel.
That's what she...
That's what she's saying. She's not
driving the car though
with a passenger in.
Yeah, but she's like...
Yeah, if she were driving, I would
say the same to her.
"Alanis, love, both hands on the
wheel, please".
There is light at the end
of the tunnel. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but then just
when you think everything's good,
all of a sudden... Then and
suddenly... ..out of nowhere.
..out of nowhere,
you're in the dark again.
Right, now then.
Go left, go left. I can't fuck, fuck,
fuck, can't go left.
Fuck, fuck, fuck?
You're being Hugh Grant... Fuck,
fuck, fuckety fuck.
That's no entry. Can we have the sat
nav on now please? OK.
PHONE RINGS
Where are you?
I think we're on the outskirts
of Rome. Right, well, we're here.
We've arrived already. So...
if you definitely follow
the signs for the centre,
we're near the Piazza Del Popolo.
What signs?
There are no signs. If you follow
signs for the centre.
Guide us in. Ask her just
to talk us in,
like a stricken pilot in an airliner.
Have you not got your sat nav? It's
having trouble finding the satellite.
Ooh hot.
AS ALAN BENNETT: Steven, struggling
to cope with the heat.
Seriously, will you, please will you
just not do that any more?
Seriously? Yeah. Say no more.
Can I just...
And go left, go left.
Can't go left. There's a bike there.
I'll kill him.
Right. You got a right,
right, right. Up there, there. Whoa!
Bloody hell.
This is where we're going, right?
That's where we want to be. You need
to go round. Watch him, watch him.
Watch the Smart car, watch the Smart
car! What now? Bloody hell.
What's wrong with you?
Right, go round
this wall and get back inside.
"While stands the Coliseum,
Rome shall stand.
"When the Coliseum falls,
Rome shall fall.
"When Rome falls, the world."
Russell Crowe? Gladiator?
Almost. Lord Byron.
ROB AS RUSSELL CROWE: "When the
Coliseum stands, Rome stands."
Making it sound like it's a
Rolf Harris reciting Byron,
trying to do Russell Crowe.
AS ROLF HARRIS: Can you tell what it
is yet? I'm a Gladiator.
Is this the right way?
There is an obelisk in our square.
I know that.
You'll have to go around...all right,
watch him. All right. Is this Popolo?
Is this Piazza Del Popolo?
I don't know.
Yeah, this is it. This is it, this is
it. Thank God for that.
Bleeding ridiculous.
It's not like it's a new town.
They've had 2,000 years to sort out
the traffic system.
I'm going to bring up the suitcases.
No, they can do that.
And they can park the car.
Steve. Hi. How you doing?
Hello. You all right?
Yeah, it was a nightmare. How are
you? You all right? Nice to see you.
Nice to see you too. You remember
Yolanda? Yeah, hi, how are you?
Nice to see you. How are you?
Careful, I'm very, very sweaty.
Looking good. Thank you. Nice dress.
Lady in red. Terrible song.
Well, you've made it in the end.
You're here now.
Yes, all roads lead to Rome.
Absolutely.
All the roads we were on went round
in circles. So are we checked in?
No, actually you're not
staying here.
You're going to stay
in the apartment above
the Keats and Shelley Museum.
Where Keats lived. Yeah.
Can we use your rooms for us
to have a shower or something?
Course you can. All right. Can you
get our bags shown up to the room?
Yeah. We'll sort it all out.
Take your time. See you in a bit.
It's quite small. Wow, it's nice.
Posthumous Reputations.
"Though hardly known during their
lifetime, after their death,
"both Keats and Shelley became more
famous than Byron."
So? There you go. There is hope.
People will laugh at your jokes
when you're dead.
You're not "hardly known", Rob.
Thank you.
There's Byron. Let's have a shot.
Stick yourself in front of him. Then
make the pose.
You're a good mimic.
Oh, he can't decide.
Yes, he's going to do it.
Right, hang on. Ready?
Wait a minute. One, two, three.
Bang. Nice.
Well done. Look at that.
That's good. That is good actually.
Captures his dark mood.
Oh, you've done that.
Is this where Shelley was cremated?
That's Viareggio. Oh, wow, yeah.
That's where we were yesterday.
Sun loungers don't really
come across as they should.
This is Teresa Guiccioli.
Come and see this.
She's the one who was the...
she was married to a nobleman,
she became Byron's mistress
when she was 17
and they made love for four
days straight.
Wow. I mean is that possible?
Well, yeah.
Steve, four days
continuous love making.
I'm glad you didn't try to answer
that yourself.
No. Out of my depth.
I've gone to an expert.
It depends what you
mean by continuous... Well, exactly.
What do they mean by continuous?
..like four times a day
probably. Is that... Yeah. Yeah.
When it's on a weekend,
I mean, on a bank holiday,
that's easily achievable.
THEY LAUGH
My God, is that his bed?
It's so small.
Is this the one he actually died in?
There's a little sign here.
It's by IKEA. From their Romantics
Collection. Right.
If you're, you know, don't have much
space in the spare room,
but you want to have a poet to die.
Oh, this is nice. It's really nice.
You can imagine you're living just
where Keats was living. Yeah.
He didn't really live here, did
he? I mean, it's just, you know,
came here and then died.
You are close to great location,
The Spanish Steps. The Spanish
Steps.
SPANISH ACCENT: For me, the
Spanish Step, if I am in Rome,
is the one place I have to go. People
say, Manchego, why?
I say, because for me, a little bit
of Spain in Italy, right now.
Emma?
Yeah? There's only one double bed.
What?
Why don't we put a step in here?
It's right next to the...
And he's doing... Listen.
Do you want to sleep next to that?
Not really.
What you saying then? What do you
want? Just get a room at your hotel.
Yep, of course. Great. Good.
Gin and tonic. Gin and tonic. Oh,
that's me. You sir.
And lemonade for
the boy. Thank you very much.
Just the tonic.
Enjoy your drink. Grazia.
Look, there's so many tourists.
It's really...
it's crazy, isn't it? There's too
many people in the world.
It's overcrowded. In Shelley and
Byron's day, there was only,
not much more than
one billion people.
But there's always
been tourists here.
That's why Byron left here. He said,
"I'm getting away from the tourists."
And they annoyed him then
and there would have been far fewer.
Yeah, but you should be pleased.
The whole reason you can get
this many people is
because the ordinary man can travel,
which is your big thing, isn't it?
In his day, it was just
the aristocracy. It was the nobleman.
E.M. Forster writing about English
and Americans touring round Italy.
Yeah, like Room With A View.
Yeah, with Daniel Day Lewis,
when he used to be posh,
before he became Irish.
AS POSH DANIEL DAY LEWIS:
Miss Honeychurch,
I wondered if you might allow me the
privilege of joining you for dinner
on the Palazzo this evening?
Why are you doing Hugh Grant?
I'm not doing Hugh Grant.
Hugh Grant would be, "Oh, gosh,
Miss Honeychurch. I wondered if you
"might, as it were, join me
this evening?"
It's different. Yeah. It sounds like,
a Hugh Grant, half an octave up.
I went taller as well. I went taller.
I straightened my back.
AS DANIEL DAY LEWIS: I would, I
spent 16 years of my life in prison
for something I didn't do.
I saw my father die in prison
for something he didn't do.
"Daniel Day Lewis, is
Ronan Keating in Boyzone The Movie."
It's Gerry Conlon from the Guildford
Four. Was that after Westlife?
No, the Guildford Four.
Wrongfully convicted of bombing
the Guildford pubs in 1974,
along with the Birmingham Six.
Did you ever see "Dan" in Lincoln?
Apparently they had to call him
Mr President on set. Yeah.
AS ABRAHAM LINCOLN: I wish to abolish
slavery before
my term as president is done.
I simply need the right
number of votes from congress.
I think on the basis of that,
you might be able to do a good
Katharine Hepburn. Yes.
AS KATHARINE HEPBURN: Norman, Norman,
the loons, Norman, the loons.
Come and see the loons, Norman.
AS HENRY FONDA: Yeah,
sure you want to,
you want to violate my own
daughter under my own roof?
Oh, Norman.
Nobody wants to violate our daughter.
Well, he wants to
share a bedroom with her.
Well let 'em
share a bedroom, Norman.
These are the modern times. It's the
1970s.
Have you seen Dan Day Lewis
in the remake of
Fellini's 8½?
Yeah. And there was a musical
version called Nine. Oh, God, yeah.
Dreadful. Awful.
You know every Italian film you
reference is directed by Fellini?
Did you get the box
set for Christmas? He's iconic.
Isn't he iconic?
He's making an oblique reference
to Alanis Morissette.
Been listening to a lot of Alanis.
It's his favourite CD.
My wife's favourite CD. Is it? Mmhm.
Isn't that one about a disastrous
relationship? Well, yes.
She listened to it just before she
met me. Very good.
OK, that's all right then. I like
Alanis. She's very passionate.
Now then, lunch.
I was given a choice by The Observer.
You can either go to this little sort
of hostaria,
little side street thing.
Or, Oliver Glowig's new two
Michelin starred restaurant.
And which did you choose?
Oliver Glowig. Good.
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
Oh, no, thank you.
Sorry, I'm OK.
Have a glass of wine.
Come on, we're all going to have a
glass of wine. Yeah, no, I can't.
You on the wagon? I can't, because
I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God. Really?
Congratulations. Yeah.
Wow. Thank you.
No, erm, that's fantastic. Thanks.
Congratulations.
Yeah. How far gone?
About three and a half months. Wow.
So yeah, why? Did you just
think I'd gotten fat?
Well, I didn't like to say.
Well, you look good. You look...
No, you're blooming.
"Blooming" is what you say when you
think, "they're packing a few
pounds".
I thought you were either pregnant,
or... Let myself go.
..you're depressed.
And you're eating.
Service.
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
Grazia. Grazia.
Pasta's perfect. Very delicate.
You can tell that's handmade pasta.
You can tell, can't you?
It's lovely. Yeah.
What's the food been like
so far in Italy,
compared to the food in the Lakes?
A lot of pasta.
A lot of pasta. Yeah.
You can't do the Atkins Diet on this
trip. Well, you are in Italy.
I'm going to channel my inner
Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love
and get in touch with
my love of pasta.
That film was so funny.
Unintentionally funny.
She's this American woman.
Very sophisticated. Very rich.
She acts like she's never seen a
bowl of pasta or pizza in her life.
I was like... I know.
And she pitches up in Italy
and she wants to have a bath,
but there's no hot water in Italy.
Which is absurd.
How's the plumbing
been on your trip?
I've been very happy with
the level of plumbing. Yeah.
We haven't had any water
works issues.
Not with the baths, no,
but personally, I'm always troubled.
You're getting to that age, Rob.
Well, I had cystitis for a while.
Not now, Steve. Not now.
It's not, no, sorry, a long,
long time ago. Very long time.
Long time ago. Long time ago.
We were going to go to Naples because
Shelley lived there, Casanova,
but he's put the kybosh
on that so now...
I just wanted a bit of glamour.
In my head I thought we'd get a bit
of glamour, a bit of like, you know,
Dolce Vita, Anita Ekberg... Oh,
yeah, in the Trevi Fountain.
..and Marcello, what's his name?
Marcello Mastroianni.
Marcello Mastroianni. He got very
cross when I told him
I couldn't deliver Anita Ekberg.
He really had one of his fits then.
Do you know, driving along in a TR3
with a cigarette hanging out the
corner of his mouth, "Ciao bella."
Well, the cigarette might fall out
if you said that.
We were going to go there, but he
doesn't want to.
So instead, we're going to the Amalfi
Coast. Nice. Pompeii. Sicily.
Oh, why Sicily? Why Sicily? Yeah.
AS AL PACINO: You're
asking me why...
She doesn't know what it's got to do
with Shelley and Byron.
..we go to Sicily, let me tell you.
Nothing is the answer.
It has nothing to do with
Shelley and Byron
AS MARLON BRANDO: Sicily is the home
of the Godfather. Of course.
We're thinking of going to Sicily,
because it's where the Godfather
began, you know on Corleone.
I want to have a homage.
Sounds like he's deaf. A pilgrimage.
MIMICS ROB: I love you very much.
He knows very well...
ROB'S SPEECH
IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE
I normally like your impressions
quite a lot.
That's not his voice. It's like
that?
No, I know that's not his voice
either. It's a deaf person.
Well, you show me the voice. I can't
do the voice. All I know is that
that's a deaf person. You come to me
but you don't call me Godfather.
You tell me you do the talk
but you don't know the words.
AS MARLON BRANDO: You know, it turns
out that when you're doing it...
That's Jimmy Savile. What are you
doing? "Now then, now then, now
then."
You want to talk about Jimmy
Savile? No, let's not bring that up.
He... Do you know what he said in
his autobiography? Yeah. yeah, true.
He said... He did
an interview about Jimmy Savile
and it said, "Jimmy's a great guy. I
really admire Jimmy Savile,"
blah, blah, blah.
Right and when he died,
he said, "People said
"when he died all this stuff was
going to come out and has it?"
Oh, Rob. That's what he said.
And do you know when it came out?
About a week after. A week later.
Oh, no. A week later.
Did you have no inkling that he was
a bit dodgy? Everyone
else... Exactly.
Everyone else thought, "This guy's
fucking weird".
AS JIMMY SAVILE: I mean like, "How's
about that then?"
I met him
when I was 18 and he was lovely...
I thought you were going to say you
met him when you were eight.
Everyone else thought he was weird.
He seemed to think he was perfectly
normal. I had an act with a friend.
We were on a radio show
and he was the main guest, right?
I was about 18, maybe 19.
And he talked to us and he said,
AS JIMMY SAVILE: "Look at me," he
said, "Look at me.
"I can't sing, I
can't dance, I can't act.
"I can do fuck all. So what do I do?
I turn up, I smile, I wave.
"The punters say, they look at me,
they say, Jimmy's happy,
"therefore, so are we."
NORMAL VOICE: And that was his
philosophy.
AS JIMMY SAVILE: Well the thing is
you don't do him like the...
Well, I don't come from
Manchester, do I?
Well, neither does he actually.
He's actually from Leeds.
How's about that? Now then.
I used to do him on Spitting Image.
You do -
and I'm going to say it publically -
you do a fantastic Savile.
It is better than mine. It is
as though you were kindred spirits.
Come on, you can do a Marlon Brando,
can't you? Some Brando.
Come on Steve, you can do it.
Let's have a Marlon off. Come on.
Let's hear your Marlon. Fine.
Let's even things out now
with your Marlon.
Can you put bread in your cheeks?
Careful, that's crusty bread.
He finds some of the crustier bread
a little difficult these days.
I tend to cut it up for him.
Aww, you have to puree it for him.
Yeah, I cut it up for him, yeah.
It'll be good. OK, oh, there you go.
Oh, now there you have it.
AS MARLON BRANDO: It's
like going to the dentist.
You what? What? It's like going to
the dentist. Say again?
You wonder where your tent is.
What? Send re-enforcements.
We're going to send re-enforcements.
We're going to advance.
"Send three and four pence,
we're going to a dance?"
Thank you very much.
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
Go on. You do it
and I'm the background bit.
AS MARLON BRANDO: The whole time, you
know,
I just bite my tongue, you know, and
hey, I can be the Godfather.
What is it you're playing, Steve?
Mandolin. Mandolin.
Was it a miniature mandolin?
Are they all that size?
Are they all that small?
They're very small, yeah.
Have you seen a mandolin?
Like this...it's like that.
Is this Leonard Rossiter playing the
mandolin? Is that who it is? My God.
I think that's quite good. Don't
you? How long have you been playing?
Service.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
You've got as a main course,
what I had as a starter.
My little envelopes with the mussels
inside. They look like hats,
like old priests hats.
They do look like little hats, don't
they? They're really cute.
Do you know how they make them
that colour? No. Squid ink. Grazia.
Really? Squid ink. Is that quidditch?
It's like quidditch,
except they use squid ink,
instead of flying ball.
Shall we begin?
Yes, I think we shall.
Let's let the expectant
mother set us off. OK.
And so she plunges
the knife into the John Dory.
"Ouch", says the fish and we're away.
Oh, don't!
What is that? Mmm, fantastic.
Mary Shelley, I think, was the most
interesting of all of them. I agree.
I absolutely loved Frankenstein.
She was more successful than her
husband. Yes, she was.
She was way more successful.
Probably why Shelley had
so many affairs with so many women.
Probably just jealous of her. And he
slept with her step sister Claire.
Yes, well, talking about
Frankenstein, of course,
brings to mind my dear friend
Sir Kenneth Branagh
and his production of Frankenstein
with De Niro.
AS ROBERT DE NIRO: I got a, I got a,
I got a bolt in my neck.
I've got to get a bolt. Got to get
the bolt out of my neck.
Got to get this bolt out of my neck.
He's got a big bolt in his neck.
Bloody hell. That's...
Look at you bursting.
AS ROBERT DE NIRO: Robert here's
trying to divert you from the fact
that he can't do Robert De Niro.
He doesn't know how to do it, speak
through the nose like that.
You got to get that sound,
talking through his nose like that.
And the whole facial gesture thing,
that's all part of it.
Yeah, that's a bit more familiar.
Talk like that, you know.
That's the way he talks. Hey, Frank,
what you got in your neck?
You got something in your neck.
What's that sticking out of
your neck? I got some bolts in my
goddamn fucking neck. You shut the
fuck up or I'll rip your head off,
shit down your fucking neck,
you stupid bitch sucking mother
fucking...
But that's how... He speaks like
that.
It was like watching the video.
I don't remember that from
Frankenstein. No, I don't.
Was that on the extras? Do you have
to buy the box set to see that?
OK.
Mary and Shelley together,
they had five kids.
Four of them were lost before he
drowned though.
That's why they left Rome,
was because William had malaria.
Yeah, and had died. And yeah,
so she was heartbroken.
Well, she was depressed.
He had two kids with his first wife,
who, once she died,
he was never allowed to see.
In fairness, she committed suicide,
because he abandoned her
when she was pregnant with
the second one.
Well, yes, some say that,
because it is a fact.
But none the less, it's still any
way you look at it,
it's a tragic bloody story, isn't it?
Yes, it's awful. That's the point.
There's been a lot of death on this
trip. Yeah, well, sounds like fun.
I'm glad to know it must have
been...
I don't just mean when Rob's trying
to do his routine, you know.
It's mostly that, but not all that,
you know. No. No, no. I don't know.
It's just, it must have been
horrific having kids in those days.
Grazia senor. So, photos.
I thought we could go to...
There's this foreigner's cemetery,
where Keats and Shelley are buried.
Oh, yeah. And it's very nice.
So I just thought we could go there.
You could put me
next to Shelley's grave if you want.
I'm not being photographed next to
Keats. No way. Why not? Why not?
He's a bed wetter.
Grazia.
IRISH ACCENT: Well, we've come to
that time again,
it's become something of a tradition
on this excursion around Italy,
where we ask you to play guess the
bill. And as ever,
our contestant tonight is from
Pedantry in the north of England.
His name is Steve Coogan.
Steven, here we go and remember, I
will have to take your first answer.
Is the amount of the bill,
A, six euro?
B, nine euro?
That's B, nine euro.
or Steven, is it C, 597 euro?
And Steven, I will have to take the
first answer, so I will.
597. You've got it Steven.
You've got through. You've won again.
Congratulations to Steven, to all
his family. They're all coming down.
We'll see you at the same time next
week for more of the same.
Thanks for watching. Good night.
I don't like to win like that.
I like it to be hard. Well...
I like to risk failure.
Yeah, I know,
but I don't want to see you lose.
I don't want to pick up the pieces
when you guess the bill wrong.
No, I like to risk failure,
but I never fail.
That's... We haven't got time to
discuss that now, Steven, have we?
That's the crux.
AS ANTHONY HOPKINS: "Go thou to Rome.
At once, paradise,
"the grave, the city and the
wilderness.
"And where its wrecks
like shattered mountains rise,
"to flowered weeds and
fragrant copses dressed the bones..."
Why can't you do it in
your own voice?
Because I think Sir Anthony's voice
is the perfect one for the occasion.
"..Dress the bones of desolation's
nakedness. Pass..."
Do you know what it means?
No, but I like the sound.
You can tell. "..Pass until the
spirit of the spot
"guides thy footsteps to slope of
green access, where,
"like an infant's smile over the
dead,
"a light of laughing
flowers along the grass is spread."
There's Shelley.
Wow.
"Nothing of him that doth fade,
but doth suffer a sea change,
"into something rich and strange."
Defying the physical, isn't it?
Transcendent. Yeah. It's Trelawny.
And his poetry
lives on in a way that...
"These are two friends whose lives
were undivided."
Trelawny died aged 88.
Shelley was what, 26?
So 62 years they were divided
and he bought this plot,
because he maintained the grave
and he bought the boat that sank,
that killed Shelley. So it's a bit
rich him burying himself
next to him. He spent his whole life
dining out on the fact
that he knew Byron and Shelley and
claimed to know Keats, which he
didn't.
Steve, look at the book. Good.
OK, now I'm looking away.
I'm thinking. Uhhuh.
The light here is great.
My favourite film is Roman Holiday.
Oh, yes. Do you remember,
Gregory Peck? Of course.
He had his flat in number 51 Via
Margutta. Yes. This is Via Margutta.
Seriously? Yeah. This is it. Wow.
And do you remember when
he took her upstairs?
He said... No, she said when she got
up there - because it was
so tiny - she was like,
"Is this the elevator?"
The elevator, yeah. Yeah. I love
Audrey Hepburn. And Ingrid Bergman.
Brilliant actors. (Keats, Shelley).
La Dolce Vita. Si.
Well, actually, most people think
that Dolce Vita's about the
glamour of Rome, but it's about the
opposite. Yeah.
It's about the emptiness of that
life. The superficiality. Yeah.
Vacuous people.
The term paparazzi
comes from the film Dolce Vita.
That's where it came from?
Of course, in Roman Holiday, Gregory
Peck plays the journalist
and his photographer friend is
played by Eddie Albert.
Yes, with his Zippo lighter, he had
his Zippo.
Which is where the term
Eddie Alberto comes from.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Rob, it's Lucy.
So tell me about, are you still
seeing that guy? What's his name?
Roberto. Roberto.
Roberto Brydono.
I'm sorry. Horrible thought. Go on.
Hello. Can you hear me?
Yeah. How are you?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I've been missing you. Oh, well, I
missed you too.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, I've been
missing Hugh Grant as well.
Well, yes, of course.
I mean it's a terrible loss.
I think we'll all miss him.
AS HUGH GRANT: I'm sure that
were he here now,
he would apologise
profusely for his absence
and I daresay he would delight
at the prospect of dropping anchor
once again,
in, uhm,...in Lucy Cove,
if that's
not too inopportune, sort of, yeah.
IN NORMAL VOICE: Oh, you laughed,
thank God.
It would be lovely to see
you again, if you wanted.
Yes, it would, wouldn't it? Yes.
How can we do that?
Well, I don't know.
Where are you? Rome.
Ah, I see.
Well, shall I call you again? Yeah.
Would you mind? Is that a good idea?
Absolutely, yes. That would be good.
I'd accept the call. Definitely.
It's nice to see you.
It was nice to see you too.
Yeah, yeah, you look fantastic.
Thank you.
I think your hair...
Good, well, I'll call you soon then.
All right, bye, Lucy. Bye. Bye.