The Thin Blue Line (1995–1996): Season 1, Episode 6 - Kids Today - full transcript

Good afternoon. Carry on.

Sit down, sit down.

Now then, everybody,
I have exciting news,

exciting news indeed.

Gasforth has been
selected to host the next

subdistrict regional police conference.

Yes, I thought you'd be excited.

When I read the letter this morning,

I nearly had to have another cup of tea.

We are to have an
opportunity to put our views

to a deputy assistant undersecretary
of state to the cabinet,



A man who has the ear of a
man who has the ear of the man

who has a foot in the home office.

You've lost me completely now, sir.

We are just two ears and a
foot from the home secretary.

We must not waste this chance

to place the issues that really count

right at the heart of government.

You're absolutely right, sir.

Let's ask the old git for a pay raise.

There are some of us,
constable Habib, who believe

there is more to policing
than the weekly stipend.

Like being able to drive through
red lights when you feel like it.

I beg your pardon?

And really cool riot gear
like they have on robocop.



And tear gas.

I had to go with that
once, it was brilliant.

Except you have to check
which way the wind is blowing

'cause I forgot and it didn't
half sting, went right in my eye.

Goody.

Tell 'em we want those long truncheons
they have on "N.Y.P.D. Blue."

Don't be absurd, constable.

Those telegraph poles that
american officers carry

are just so much macho posturing.

The traditional truncheon
is perfectly adequate.

Personally I've always
felt more than satisfied

with 14 inches hanging
down inside my trouser leg.

Have I said something amusing,
constable Habib?

No, sir.

Then you will oblige me by wiping
that silly grin off your face.

Anyway, the subject of the
conference is rather specific.

We have been asked to
prepare an initiative

on an aspect of juvenile crime.

So what do you think it should be?

Truancy? Taking without consent?

- The scourge of graffiti?
- I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir.

I see it as a new urban art form.

Have you run mad, constable Habib?

No, I'm serious, sir.
Isn't it just a vibrant

and contemporary form
of youth expression?

No, it's a bunch of nasty
little yobs scribbling on walls.

I blame these awful fridge magnets.

Yes, and for those of
us who are conducting

this briefing on earth...

I've seen it at my niece's house.

Every time her toddler
does a nasty little scribble

it gets stuck up on the fridge.

- Yes...
- And everyone has to say how nice it is.

So young people grow up thinking that

their stupid scribblings
are somehow wonderful.

So they carry on
scribbling, forever searching

for that warm glow of
appreciation that they used to feel

when standing round the fridge.

Yes, and that completes
this week's training session

for the Gasforth police
synchronized idiots team.

Perhaps you can return to
the subject of juvenile crime.

I think the first step is to stop seeing

these kids as nothing
but criminal thugs, sir.

And what other
description might one find

for those who vandalize property,

steal cars, and instruct me

whenever I venture out in my helmet

to remove the cold tit from my head?

These kids are bored.
We've got to provide them

with some meaning in their lives.

Yes, constable Habib, in fact I
was thinking along similar lines.

What do you suggest we do to bring
about this sense of moral renewal?

Well, we need real jobs, decent housing,

we need long-term investment in
the urban social infrastructure.

Hmm. Yes, I was thinking
more along the lines

of a short camping trip.

A camping trip?

A bleeding camping trip?

Blimey!

Am I to take it that you do not approve

of my proposed initiative?

Yes you may take it, Raymond,

and you may shove it
up your truncheon pouch.

Society is collapsing round our ears,

and Baden-Powell here calls for
a chorus of ging gang goolies.

- Ging gang gooly.
- What?

The goolies are singular.

The song you refer to goes,

"ging gang gooly gooly
gooly gooly wotcher

ging gang goo ging gang goo"...

Fowler!

We are discussing youth
crime, which will not be solved

by shoving a sausage on a
stick and whistling "kumbaya."

It's war out there, mate, war,
and the bleeding kids are winning.

It's not war, Derek,
or anything of the sort.

The vast majority of young
people are law-abiding citizens.

I admit we don't like them,

but if it were illegal to be sex-mad,

tone-deaf, and
impossible to understand,

we should have to arrest the
entire population of France.

Our problem is the tiny
minority of repeat offenders.

Exactly, and what they need
is a short, sharp shock, mate,

not having their coddles mollied.

I have no intention of mollying anyone.

What I'm proposing is tough, demanding,

but ultimately rewarding
physical endeavor.

There is a course for
probationary young offenders

run by brigadier Blaster Sump.

Blaster Sump? That looney?

- I admit he's eccentric.
- Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man

to reach the south
pole in short trousers.

Look, I'm not having you
disgracing this station

with a load of wishy-washy, diddums'

half cock, up your
social worker, folderol,

blame it on society,
psycho, sicko, socio,

claptrap crap.

Well at least I'm doing something.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Where's your passion? Your commitment?

You know what your
trouble is, don't you?

You have no bottom, man.

Did you just call me
a man with no bottom?

Yes I did. Apart, of course,

from the one you use
to communicate with.

Right. I'll show you who's got

the bigger bottom round this station.

C.I.D. are gonna make a presentation.

I'll show the conference what
you do with juvenile offenders.

You nick 'em, you lock 'em up,

and you throw away the door.

I mean the key.

You throw away the key.

All right, sir, let's
see your driving license.

Do you have any idea who my father is?

I'm afraid I can't help
you on that one, sir.

Have you tried asking your mother?

What do you reckon, sir?
♪ Doo-doo-doo, acid! ♪

Very nice, very ravey.

- You gotta make the effort, haven't you, sir?
- Yes you have, Kray.

'Cause this is a very
important operation.

And it's my ass, and if you stuff it

I'm going to end up
very red in the face.

Now, the kids in this squat

are the nastiest little
gits in the neighborhood?

- All repeat offenders, sir.
- Right, all we have to do is catch 'em at it.

Undercover operation,
constables, very sensitive stuff.

Now...

I'm a van driver, as you can see.

You two will have to play the
part of brain-dead juvenile morons.

I'd probably be better off
using some of Fowler's lot.

- Did you hear that, Kray?
- Yeah.

I said a good one. I said,
"I'd probably be better off..."

Yes, brilliant, sir.

Try not to be too hilarious, I've
only got one pair of these trousers.

Well anyway... Down to business.

I'll show the subdistrict
regional police conference

what sort of kids the
modern copper has to face.

Nothing but villains and
hooligans the lot of 'em.

Do you know what? There's
only one way to deal with it.

You put the maternity hospitals

inside the juvenile detention centers.

What?

Out of the mom and into the cell?

- Yeah.
- That's a very good idea, Kray.

I may suggest that
to the home secretary.

Come on.

I'm really looking forward
to going on this camping trip,

really getting back to basics.

I always think that food
tastes so much better

if you have to open the tins yourself.

Oh yes, it'll be good getting right back

to nature and living life in the raw.

You're not thinking of taking
your clothes off are you, Kevin?

As if. My mother would
do her raving nana.

Oh good, good.

Because I always thought that
naturism is a very dangerous idea.

I mean it would only take
one short-sighted squirrel.

Well squirrels is all we're
likely to see on this camping trip.

Do you know, I wish there were still

proper, dangerous wild animals.

Then I could save
constable Habib from one

and she'd fall in love with me.

Lots of women are scared of spiders.

Maybe Maggie is.

If I put one in her tent, maybe
you could save her from it.

Yes, yes, that's quite a good plan.

But the only problem is...

I wouldn't go within five million miles

of any tent that had a spider in it.

More social reports on
juvenile repeat offenders, sir,

mostly connected with drugs and alcohol.

Oh, great curried dumplings.

It really is very depressing, isn't it?

I just want to show a few youngsters

that innocent pastimes can be fun too.

- Yes, sir.
- I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs

to have a good time
when I was their age.

I had meccano.

Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell
you what ecstasy is-

Completing a scale model of the
fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is.

It makes me sad to see
these children today

with their drugs and sex and music.

They'll never know the
joy a young lad can have

sitting alone in his room...

With his tool in his hand...

Tightening his little nuts.

Sounds like you've got a cough coming on,
constable.

Yeah.

Listen to 'em.

Ruddy morons.

High on ecstasy, no doubt.

Yeah, well if that girl's on ecstasy,

she should ask for her money back.

Bas...

- I've done it, Bas.
- Told you it'd be easy.

It was the most terrible thing
I've ever had to do in my life.

Yeah, yeah, it's horrible.
Did you get my fags?

Right, you two, this is it,
let's hear your inane giggles.

Not bad, not bad, we'll
make detectives of you yet.

Go on, then. Go and do your stuff.

What's happening, man? Nice one.

Yeah, happening. Sounds
like a banging good rave.

Got any E? I want to score.

Bug off, copper.

Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat.

I was clearing it up
a bit and I found this.

You shouldn't have picked
it up, it could be a bomb.

If it is, it's a stink bomb.

The social services are
coming to take it to hospital

- in about half an hour.
- No hurry.

How could somebody just
dump their baby like that?

She's so beautiful.

She's ugly, Pat.

All newborn babies are.
They're like prunes.

They get nice, but they start ugly.

How would you look after you'd spent
nine months in somebody's stomach?

That's true, that's
true. I've seen things

that haven't spent more than
five minutes in my stomach.

I wouldn't want to go wheeling
them around tesco's in a pram.

Habib, it's all hands to the pumps.

There's been a disturbance
at the britannia social club.

Some kind of right-wing meeting
has developed into an affray.

If it's fascists, sir, am
I the best person to go?

- I might provoke things.
- What do you mean?

Well, sir, I'm Asian.

I don't care if you've just
beamed down from venus, constable.

You are a police officer and
we recognize only one color-

That of the thin blue line.

For god's sake, Raymond,
don't be such a pompous git.

As a matter of fact,
I did not hear that.

I said don't
be such a pompous git.

Now look, you've upset the baby.

Get off me, you fascist!

Keep the noise down
or I will lose my temper.

- Ohhh!
- We're not going to warn you again.

- Into the cells.
- Now, not next christmas.

Paki cow. Get back
to freakin' curryland.

You ain't fit enough
to lick english boots.

- What did you say?
- It's all right, Kevin.

I said she's a black tart and
she should go back to the jungle.

I'm telling my mom.

Oh no...

You shouldn't have done that, Kevin.

But thanks.

Is she? Is she?

Well I expect that'll just be wind.

When I had her I found
that just rubbing her back

and the tinniest drop of calpol
on her dummy and she'd go down.

Well yes I know I only had her
for three quarters of an hour, but-

Well anyway, just make sure she's
not sleeping on her tummy, and-

Goodbye.

- Do you want to know something?
- No.

10 years from now there
won't be a woman on the force,

and do you know why? Women's lib.

Oh yeah? And how'd
you work that out then?

Women have babies, right?
But you can't sack 'em,

'cause if you do -
bosh, 200 grand compensation.

I don't see why a woman
should lose her job

for performing an essential
function of existence.

That's fine. Except your average
villain objects to being interviewed

by a copper with leaky nipples.

Catch-22, isn't it? Can't
do the job, can't be sacked.

Answer - don't take 'em
on in the first place.

Not all women want babies, anyway.

All women want babies.

They say they don't, then bang,
they turn 30 and suddenly it's

"quick, put a bun in my
oven before my gas runs out."

You are such a neanderthal.

- Eh?
- Pat, you're in your 30s,

- you aren't desperate for a child, are you?
- No, not at all, not desperate.

You have to remember the
restrictions babies bring.

The sleepless nights, the
sick all over everything,

the fat little cheeks you
just want to gobble up.

The laughs, the smiles.

I can take it or leave it.

Habib, you and Goody in my office, now.

Constable Goody, I've received
a very serious complaint.

Did you punch a handcuffed
15-year-old boy last night

while taking him to the cells?

He was defending me, sir.

He was defending you, constable Habib?

Oh I see.

And exactly what threat did this

securely handcuffed juvenile pose?

What he threatening to
wither you with a glance?

He was using racist abuse, sir.

The boy has swastikas
tattooed on his arms.

What did you expect him to do?

Give you a chorus of "ebony and ivory"?

You fool, Goody. You bloody fool.

Suppose the lad had
sustained brain damage?

Huh! How would we tell?

Don't you dare be facetious
with me, young woman.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry,
constable.

You have created an
appallingly serious situation.

I'm going to have to
charge you with assault.

Sir, you can't!

- Did Goody hit the boy, constable Habib?
- Yes, sir.

Was Goody or anyone else in
any physical danger at the time?

- No, sir.
- Under the circumstances then,

what do you consider to be my duty?

You - you could issue a
severe reprimand, sir.

I'm afraid I do not have
that option, constable.

The boy's mother is pressing charges.

Constable Goody, you will
continue with your duties,

pending an investigation
for unprovoked assault.

Yes, sir.

That will be all.

These boots are killing me.

You should have stuffed them with
damp newspaper, and leave overnight.

Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on.

Marvelous.

Well sergeant, we're off.

It is a far, far better thing
I do than I have ever done.

We shall drive to the squat,
collect a minibus full of miscreants,

and escort them along the rocky
path to the straight and narrow.

Yes, Raymond, and perhaps next weekend

you could take the
Arabs and the Israelis

to Chessington zoo for the day?

Dear, oh dear.

Dib-dib-dib.

Dob-dob-dob.

Lovely legs, Raymond.

You watch out for those sheep,

they'll nibble your toggle, mate.

Are you sure I can't
persuade you to come, Derek?

I'm a policeman, not a
bleeding girl guide, Raymond.

Besides, I'm rather busy tonight.

While you fanny about
rewarding young offenders,

I shall be nicking a few.

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Right, they've had long enough.
Kray, give it some mallet.

They're out now. Some of your
lot have taken 'em camping.

Fowler has nicked my villains.

My name's blaster sump, damn you.

Now-

You play a straight bat with me

and you'll find we'll rub
along pretty well together.

Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat,

A bat with a hole in it and
bits sticking out of the end,

and by thunder I'll crush your young
testicles beneath the hard granite

of the mull of Ben Craggy.

And those of the party not
equipped with testicles?

- The victims of tragic accidents, you mean?
- No, I mean girls.

Fortunately I've never been
called upon to discipline a girl.

No, quite the other way
round as a matter of fact.

Oh, hell's tits!

Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you.

What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?

Damn technology.

A present from Mrs. Blaster
Sump, God rot her vicious soul.

"Hey, guvnor," I said, "do you
want to buy me something useful?

Then get me a big stick
with a nail in the end

and somebody who deserves
a damn good thrashing."

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ah... Mmm.

Now here's your gear, you'll find
everything you could possibly need,

from lavatory paper to sandpaper.

Don't confuse the two.

I did myself once. Not a
wholly unpleasant experience,

but then I went to charterhouse.

Right, well I think that's everything.

Let's get up that mountain like
a ferret up a trouser leg, huh?

Brigadier Blaster Sump-

Yes, young lady?

I'm a trained orienteer,
as are two of my officers.

We wish only to use your equipment.

Damn you, you bitch!

Are you telling me I'm off the team?

Reluctantly, sir, yes.

Oh well, probably just as well.

I like to sleep naked
when I'm out of doors.

We don't want you young ladies getting
all flushed and dampened, do we?

It's not that I cut quite
such a dash as I used to

since that savage encounter
with a short-sighted squirrel.

All right then, off you go and last
one to the summit's a euro-federalist.

Go on, go away with you.

Now, when I was a boy
scout back in Trinidad,

they taught us how to
light a fire with a stick

and a piece of string.

I could never understand why because
I found it a lot easier to use matches.

Well, long walk tomorrow.

Best turn in.

Great heavenly chestnuts,

my sleeping bag will be
a welcome sight tonight.

Unless of course I can interest anyone

in a chorus or two of
"ging gang gooly gooly."

Sir, sir.
Natalie's disappeared.

- Natalie!
- Natalie!

- Natalie!
- Natalie!

Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished.

What on earth could have moved
the girl to abscond like that?

On wrong step in the dark and
she could fall to her death.

Inspector Fowler we found her.

This is your fault,
Bas. You made me do it.

Do what? Tell me what this
nonsense is all about, boy,

or by thunder you'll live to regret it.

It's the baby. I told
her to get rid of it.

So the silly cow dumped it by
some rubbish outside your nick.

She reckons it got thrown
away, she reckons she killed it.

I say so what? Who cares? It
probably weren't mine anyway.

Why, you little-

Natalie...

- I found your baby.
- You found her?

Yes, she's all right, she's in hospital.

- You didn't kill her.
- I didn't mean it.

I do love her.

Well I think it's time
we all got some rest.

As you go to sleep, I want you to think
hard about the lessons learned today.

Think about...

Turning over a new leaf.

- Will you do that?
- Yes, inspector Fowler.

Good night.

Oh, bugger!

Habib that is enough.

I cannot drop the charges
against constable Goody.

The boy's mother is here now.

There is nothing I can do about it.

I bet you could if you really wanted to.

- Don't be insubordinate, constable.
- But you don't want to

because you think he
should be charged. And why?

Because the precise letter of the law
is more important to you than justice.

You understand what Kevin did.

You nearly slapped that
thug on the mountain.

And had I done so I would
expect to face the consequences.

We do not have a choice in this matter.

The police cannot choose when
and when not to enforce the law.

If we do that, how can we expect
the public ever to trust us?

If I could see a way out of
this, believe me I'd take it.

But I can't.

Ah, come in. Please sit down.

Now then, Mrs. Bludger,

you have brought charges of
assault against one of my officers.

Where's the thug that
hit my defenseless boy?

Little Geoffrey here could have
been permanently brain damaged.

Possibly...

But I cannot imagine how we would tell.

I want to know from the lad
himself exactly what happened.

I ain't talkin' to no
copper without my lawyer.

You bleeding well talk to him or
I'll fetch your father from the pub.

Mrs. Bludger, are you aware of the european
law regarding the treatment of minors?

Eh?

Oh well,
it doesn't matter. Ignorance is no defense.

I'm arresting you for
assaulting your child.

- Do what?
- On the other hand, of course,

we could forget the whole thing.

I hope you learned your lesson, laddie.

Yes I have, sir, thank you for asking.

Of all the juveniles in Gasforth
and you had to pinch mine.

We worked damn hard on that pull.

- Didn't we, Kray?
- What?

Now I've got nothing to present to
the deputy assistant undersecretary

at the subdistrict regional conference.

Well, Derek, I've been thinking.

Oh, god save us!

The conference is about youth.

Who better to discuss
it than youthful coppers?

You have a story to
tell, constable Goody.

Perhaps conference should hear it?

Yes, I think it should.

What story would that be then?

I couldn't believe the
crush at the checkout.

I was in the
six-items-or-less queue.

The woman in front of me had
some special-offer toothpaste,

A big tube with a little
one cellotaped on for free.

That's two items, isn't it?

Which brought her up to seven.

Seven items in the six items queue.

I cannot stand that sort of thing.

Well you're right not to.

That type of antisocial behavior
corrupts the entire system.

- I hope you said something.
- I very nearly said something.

- You should have said something.
- I was gonna say something.

Then I saw these on a
promotional stand by the till.

I just couldn't resist
them. What do you think?

I don't think they'll fit you.

I don't know why I got them really,

just they were on special
and it seemed silly not to.

I suppose now we've got
the socks and everything,

it'd be silly not to have a baby.

Well I have to think about these things,

- I'm not getting any younger.
- Nobody gets any younger, Patricia,

with the possible
exception of Joan Collins.

It's just a fact of life.

It's all very well for you,

you've been married, you've had a child.

Yes, and he's the best argument I
can think of for not having another.

Besides which, we haven't
got time to start a family.

Ours is not an occupation one can
walk away from at the end of the day.

I'm a police officer.
You're a police officer.

- I am also a woman.
- I know that, Patricia.

But you must get a grip.

There is no place in the queen's uniform

for ill-disciplined hormones.

You do realize, Patricia,

that if you hit me with that halibut,

you lay yourself open
to charges of assault.

Give me the fish, Patricia.

Give me the fish.

You may think yourself
lucky that we're not having

A leg of lamb for supper tonight,

or this whole incident could have been

much more serio-