The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 0, Episode 0 - Spinners and Losers: Opposition Extra - full transcript
Following the events of 'Spinners and Losers' from the perspective of the Opposition.
I'm just going to make a summary
of my findings and conclusions...
(MOBILE RINGING)
...after my work down at the Watford
Immigration and Asylum Centre.
And also, a member of my team
can give you a...
- (MOBILES RINGING)
...a press pack.
The... What's going on?
- They've all just gone.
- Put this on, Peter.
All right, everybody, listen up!
This is it, phase two.
This is the line,
for the next 24 hours, right?
You speak to everyone you know
and you praise him, right?
You praise him like
he's your dead brother, all right?
Nothing else. I just want
to hear praise, praise, praise.
STEWART: What are you wanting, Phil?
Please talk to Phil before I get to...
Zudek, it's Peter.
Will it be possible to get
the hot water on again?
Yes? Ah, that's bloody marvellous.
How big is the bath?
Oh, God, that's not a bath,
it's a yacht.
No, I told you that
towel rail is too big.
A towel rail should not
occupy an entire wall.
That's not a towel rail.
That's a climbing frame.
I want JB over from Portcullis now!
Someone send a car round for him!
Somebody send a carpet round for him,
but I want JB here now!
- Oh, don't let him play with my...
- EMMA: Don't touch the...
jesus, what have you done?
Phil, I told you not to touch
the television.
You're completely hopeless.
PHIL: I was trying to get the news feed.
Just go and sit down somewhere, Phil.
Try not to touch anything, all right?
- What's the matter with you?
- It's big news.
It's just... I don't know how to react.
- You don't know how to react?
- What do you mean?
Well, it's...
I don't know what I'm supposed...
- Why don't you go make some coffee?
- I'll get some coffee.
Oh, great.
Really great.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Hi, Peter?
How's the bathroom?
The taps aren't working out
as well as I'd hoped.
Well, at least you don't go into
your bathroom and find out
a member of another political party's
just done a shit in it.
Yeah, look on the bright side.
- Phil, News 24.
- Yeah, I'm gonna tell him.
- Tell him now.
- I'm gonna tell him in a minute.
Tell me what?
Stewart is keen for you to go
on News 24...
He is - he is going on News 24.
He wants you to go on News 24
and do a bit of "praise him, praise him"
about the PM, yeah, go all Baptist.
Oh, God, no!
Sorry, I really don't want to do that.
No, of course you don't.
No one wants to do that.
- What's he saying?
- It's my phone call.
Put him on loudspeaker.
Oh, give him to me.
- No, I'm talking to him. Please.
- I'm gonna put him on loudspeaker.
Peter, hi, it's Emma.
Now, listen, Stewart says
this really is the strategy.
We're supposed to be
the opposition, for Christ's sake.
In the old days, we wouldn't have
been weeping over his grave,
we'd have been pissing on it.
If we start point-scoring now,
we're just going to look like
opportunist weasels.
Well, weasily done.
- Sorry?
- It's weasily done.
- It's a joke.
- That was a joke?
Tell Stewart I'm not doing it.
Tell him bollocks to it.
Tell him to fuck off.
Tell Stewart to...
Now, Peter, that's not really
a very good idea, is it?
Yeah, yeah, not actually fuck off.
Just make an excuse.
Pretty it up, but when you...
When you do tell him,
make sure that he knows
reading between the lines,
that I told you to tell him to fuck off,
but you're prettying it up.
Look, I really need to go
to the toilet right now.
Right, Peter, listen, that's fine.
You go and do that, and we'll just
call you back when you've finished.
No, no, I'll call you.
You won't know when I'm finished.
Okay, well, good luck with it.
Yeah, thanks, Phil.
Think of it as a sort of legacy.
PHIL: Logacy.
I was supposed to be making
an announcement this morning
on the failures
in the immigration system,
making a big speech.
Yeah, Peter, we were there.
You know, I mean, you were giving
your recipe for spag bol,
and then Gordon Ramsay walks in and
takes us all out for peacock and chips.
Yeah, well, what can I say?
It got the PM so rattled he was forced
to resign before I opened my mouth,
so I thought you might be interested in
an exclusive?
On the massive, and I do mean massive,
failure in the system, I mean...
- Line two.
...the databases are simply not...
- Yeah, Peter...
- Who is it?
Peter, hi, sorry, listen,
I'm going to have to pass you on
to one of my top people.
Angela Heaney, I think you know her.
I've just got a picture editor,
I'm working to deadlines here.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Peter! Peter?
Hi, it's Emma.
- Oh, hi, Emma.
- Oh, sorry. You're on the phone. Sorry.
I thought it was Kate Winslet.
She generally pops round about now.
Peter, hi, it's Angela Heaney.
Hi, look, Angela, can I call you back?
Yeah, fine.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Ah, Peter. Stewart.
Oh, hi, Stewart. A double-whammy.
Emma here and you in my ear.
Yeah, can you put me on speaker?
I've no idea.
You're young. Can this go on speaker?
Oh, yes, give it here.
- Stewart? We got him.
- Thanks, Emma.
Peter, we need you to go on News 24,
like Phil asked,
and to say nice things about the PM.
If I'm praising the PM, can I at least
have a go at Tom and the Nutters?
Can I at least subtly suggest they're
waving in a man who pulls himself off
by reading European tax law amendments?
No way! No way!
We do not slag off Tom. We want Tom in.
Tom is our big, fat, socially
dysfunctional swing-voter-repellent,
golden weirdo ticket.
Surely you can understand how this
will work in our favour, Peter?
I mean, they're going to elect a man
who can count his friends
on the fingers of, like...
of my father's right hand.
Dan Miller is thinking of standing.
That's what I'm hearing.
Yeah... Oh, sorry, just a minute.
Just a minute.
Mark! Mark!
When I say I want you to CC JB on
everything to do with these interviews,
I do mean everything,
not just the things that
you think are important.
I'm an extraordinarily
precise man, Mark.
That's why my wife left me.
JB doesn't want Dan Miller.
He's too young, and he's too witty,
whereas Tom looks 92, and
he's about as funny as Norman Wisdom.
We slag Tom off once he's elected,
but not now, hmm?
Oh, has the conch been passed?
Can I talk now?
You have the talking stick.
- I won't do News 24.
- Peter, you really need to do News 24.
I'll do Radio 4, The World Tonight.
That way, I can stay here
and do it on the end of a phone.
Fine. Emma, give him
the bullet points to hit
and I'll set things up this end.
Will do. Will do, Stewart.
Can we have Phil over, as well?
I like Phil.
What, you don't like me?
Of course I like you.
I like and fear and mistrust you.
Joke.
Kind of.
PETER: While I've disagreed with the
Prime Minister on matters of policy...
I believe he will be judged by history
as a man of conviction, a statesman.
Oh, statesman! Bingo! They love it
when you talk all statesman to them.
...the sniping that's coming from
factions within his own government
at the moment, I think, demeans them
and, more to the point,
demeans politics.
This is lovely, Em. Listen and learn.
You see, he can still do it,
if you poke him with a stick.
INTERVIEWER: That announcement that you
were due to make about immigration,
your press conference
was somewhat upstaged...
Uh, no, no, no. Emma, Emma, stop him.
Stop him. Write him a card.
You, not Phil.
Phil will have him reading out of
the bloody Hobbit.
PETER: The immigration system,
the most acute of which
was a computer system which was
simply not fit for purpose.
What's he doing?
This is completely off-piece.
...simply a rough guide for terrorism.
INTERVIEWER: Can you tell us,
how do you rectify that?
Create an independent body. Stop it
being the sorry political football...
Political football? Great! What is this?
Jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest
Political Cliches?
But why is Zippy still talking?
Emma, zip him! Zip him!
It would mean porous borders,
unchecked immigration...
STEWART: Before he moves on
to rivers of blood, Emma,
find a kitchen implement
and start cutting bits of him off
until he just shuts up!
I know for a fact that the prospective
new Prime Minister
is in complete agreement with him.
Right, that's it. I'm coming over there.
Now. Yeah. With an axe.
No, no, no, I want all of them,
but I'll pick them up when I get back.
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Thanks.
(SIGHING) Sorry.
Sorry, Peter, where were we?
Well, I think you were in the middle
of telling me off,
and I was wondering
if it was bedtime yet.
You're really not getting
the seriousness of this, are you, Peter?
Briefing the press
on the immigration figures is...
Well, it's a resigning issue.
I'm not doing it.
I was on the radio, as you know.
I did the... the thing...
Yeah, I heard that.
Anything else is not me.
And that's where
the defence rests, is it?
I'm supposed to believe that?
I'm not doing it, and I don't...
I can't be arsed to lie with you.
I don't give a rat's fart
what you think.
Okay.
All right, well, if it's not you,
then who is it?
Well, if it's not us, the opposition,
then by process of elimination,
I'd say it'd have to be them,
the government.
Now pass me my deerstalker and pipe
and violin and opium.
- Oh, tee and hee.
- What?
You are negatively affecting
our profile, Peter.
- That's my point. And the fallout...
- Oh, come on, Stewart.
Wake up, for God's sake.
No one's taking any notice of us.
We've got to stamp and shout and
throw bricks and wave our chap around
to even get a hint of recognition
from the press.
(SIGHING)
There's absolutely
no common ground here, is there?
- No.
- Um...
Look, I've got to take a slash.
Can I use your bathroom?
It's upstairs, second on the left.
Oh, no, it's... There's a thing...
I'll show you.
What, you have instructions
to a bathroom?
What? I piss, I flush, I wash, I leave.
What do I need?
PETER: Do you never stop talking?
STEWART: Well, sometimes I stop talking.
- I sleep.
- Yeah.
Don't get cocaine on the towel.
And don't slam the door shut.
The builders haven't put
the handle back on,
and you'd get locked in, okay?
Peter, you appear to have a car radio
attached to your bath.
What... Hey, Peter,
have you pimped your tub?
Is that so you can lie in the bath
and slit your wrists
to the sound of
the Today programme, hmm?
Oh, very funny, Peter.
Peter! I mean it, Peter, open the door!
Peter!
You are...
You're a pathetic, bloody infant, Peter!
Open the...
Open the door! Open the door now!
I will not be imprisoned!
Do you understand? Open the door!
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay, it's open. It's open.
Sorry. Sorry, I was just...
Don't you ever, I mean ever, ever
pull a stunt on me like that again!
Do you understand?
I was just messing about.
I couldn't resist it.
So I suppose you're not a fan
of those bloopers type shows, are you?
No.
REPORTER: Are you on your way to make an
announcement about possible standings?
MAN: That's something
I'm not really prepared...
Phil, switch over.
We haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.
No, it would just be the Ten Glorious
Years package in permanent orbit.
Is it just me,
or does Noel Gallagher getting older
look like one of those
Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Who's that?
- It's Peter.
Hi.
Something's happened.
Something's happened.
- Phil, let me talk to him.
- No, I'll do it, it's fine.
For fuck's sake, Ollie,
it's five in the morning.
What are you...
I didn't order a male massage.
Just, I need something, that's all.
Sorry... A bit of an issue came up.
There's a number of basically important
things... I need some policy items.
I want to talk to you about
urban regeneration.
And also, what is the cheese
situation in the house?
Cheese?
It's for Malcolm
because he's a bit mousy.
He's come for cheese?
This is fucking priceless.
- No...
- Malcolm has sent you to get cheese.
No, no, the government
has sent me to get cheese, Phil.
I'm getting to...
It's all hands to the pump over there.
- The cheese pump?
- Yeah, no...
No. Cheese is just part of
an emerging political landscape, Emma.
- Of course! Of course it is, Ollie.
- I'm not fucking Bernard Ingham.
Well, I really
don't understand politics,
but you can see why people don't vote.
Peter, if it was a joke,
explain to him what a joke is.
I mean, does he not realise?
Well, I did... I kept trying
to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.
He kept going on about
false imprisonment,
like he was Solzhenitsyn or Terry Waite.
Look, he can't fire you over a prank.
It just looks ridiculous.
Are you talking to Beadle?
Is Beadle coming into
the shadow cabinet now, is he?
Fuck off! Emma,
get Dairy Queen out of my face.
I'm developing a media strategy.
This is high-level shit.
- (LAUGHING) Yeah.
- EMMA: It's not funny.
It's quite funny.
I think the news is spreading.
I'm gonna have to call you back. Bye.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Dude!
Listen, stop floating me.
What, so it's off?
Giving that plummy twat our cheddar?
Look, he's just having
a bit of cheese...
Let's at least poison it
or rub our balls on it or something.
I'm going to need some
spin control on this, though, Ollie,
so do you want to be my guy?
Not the Prime Minister's guy,
but a regular... a normal guy's guy.
PHIL: Ah. I live for this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
Everything all right?
Yeah.
Thank you. Everything's fine. I'm still
within the heart of government.
- Big department and everything.
- Cheese department?
- Fuck you, Phil.
- Don't take it all, for Christ's sake.
It's all right. Let him have it.
This one's got port in there, as well.
I wanted that.
Well, that's incredibly generous of you.
I'll... I'll...
Look, he's the cheese monitor.
Leave him alone.
(ALL SHOUTING)
Have the fucking port, Phil!
Got it. Fine.
Off you go with your cheese,
Mr Ocado Delivery Boy.
BEN ON RADIO: I've always been fiercely
opposed, fiercely, to racism...
(LAUGHING)
... and discrimination. Always had
an exemplary record in this regard.
I can assure you of one thing,
I certainly won't be resigning.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Morning.
- EMMA: Have you seen The Mail?
Um, no, I haven't.
I'm under 40 and I have a penis. Why?
They've got a big graphic
on the night's winners and losers.
Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.
OLLIE: What? Me? I'm in it?
You look very, very pasty
and about nine.
OLLIE: Am I a winner or a loser?
EMMA: You are a loser.
I'm a loser? For fuck's sake.
BEN ON RADIO: I have the full support...
God, is that Ben on Today
in the background? Oh...
You can even hear him
blinking on the radio.
This is absolute bollocks.
I'm not supposed to be in the paper.
I'm just, you know... It's not me who's
supposed to be in the paper, is it?
It's fucking ridiculous.
EMMA: Oh, come on, it's only The Mail.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, yeah, I know it's The Daily Mail
but, you know, my mum gets The Mail.
of my findings and conclusions...
(MOBILE RINGING)
...after my work down at the Watford
Immigration and Asylum Centre.
And also, a member of my team
can give you a...
- (MOBILES RINGING)
...a press pack.
The... What's going on?
- They've all just gone.
- Put this on, Peter.
All right, everybody, listen up!
This is it, phase two.
This is the line,
for the next 24 hours, right?
You speak to everyone you know
and you praise him, right?
You praise him like
he's your dead brother, all right?
Nothing else. I just want
to hear praise, praise, praise.
STEWART: What are you wanting, Phil?
Please talk to Phil before I get to...
Zudek, it's Peter.
Will it be possible to get
the hot water on again?
Yes? Ah, that's bloody marvellous.
How big is the bath?
Oh, God, that's not a bath,
it's a yacht.
No, I told you that
towel rail is too big.
A towel rail should not
occupy an entire wall.
That's not a towel rail.
That's a climbing frame.
I want JB over from Portcullis now!
Someone send a car round for him!
Somebody send a carpet round for him,
but I want JB here now!
- Oh, don't let him play with my...
- EMMA: Don't touch the...
jesus, what have you done?
Phil, I told you not to touch
the television.
You're completely hopeless.
PHIL: I was trying to get the news feed.
Just go and sit down somewhere, Phil.
Try not to touch anything, all right?
- What's the matter with you?
- It's big news.
It's just... I don't know how to react.
- You don't know how to react?
- What do you mean?
Well, it's...
I don't know what I'm supposed...
- Why don't you go make some coffee?
- I'll get some coffee.
Oh, great.
Really great.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Hi, Peter?
How's the bathroom?
The taps aren't working out
as well as I'd hoped.
Well, at least you don't go into
your bathroom and find out
a member of another political party's
just done a shit in it.
Yeah, look on the bright side.
- Phil, News 24.
- Yeah, I'm gonna tell him.
- Tell him now.
- I'm gonna tell him in a minute.
Tell me what?
Stewart is keen for you to go
on News 24...
He is - he is going on News 24.
He wants you to go on News 24
and do a bit of "praise him, praise him"
about the PM, yeah, go all Baptist.
Oh, God, no!
Sorry, I really don't want to do that.
No, of course you don't.
No one wants to do that.
- What's he saying?
- It's my phone call.
Put him on loudspeaker.
Oh, give him to me.
- No, I'm talking to him. Please.
- I'm gonna put him on loudspeaker.
Peter, hi, it's Emma.
Now, listen, Stewart says
this really is the strategy.
We're supposed to be
the opposition, for Christ's sake.
In the old days, we wouldn't have
been weeping over his grave,
we'd have been pissing on it.
If we start point-scoring now,
we're just going to look like
opportunist weasels.
Well, weasily done.
- Sorry?
- It's weasily done.
- It's a joke.
- That was a joke?
Tell Stewart I'm not doing it.
Tell him bollocks to it.
Tell him to fuck off.
Tell Stewart to...
Now, Peter, that's not really
a very good idea, is it?
Yeah, yeah, not actually fuck off.
Just make an excuse.
Pretty it up, but when you...
When you do tell him,
make sure that he knows
reading between the lines,
that I told you to tell him to fuck off,
but you're prettying it up.
Look, I really need to go
to the toilet right now.
Right, Peter, listen, that's fine.
You go and do that, and we'll just
call you back when you've finished.
No, no, I'll call you.
You won't know when I'm finished.
Okay, well, good luck with it.
Yeah, thanks, Phil.
Think of it as a sort of legacy.
PHIL: Logacy.
I was supposed to be making
an announcement this morning
on the failures
in the immigration system,
making a big speech.
Yeah, Peter, we were there.
You know, I mean, you were giving
your recipe for spag bol,
and then Gordon Ramsay walks in and
takes us all out for peacock and chips.
Yeah, well, what can I say?
It got the PM so rattled he was forced
to resign before I opened my mouth,
so I thought you might be interested in
an exclusive?
On the massive, and I do mean massive,
failure in the system, I mean...
- Line two.
...the databases are simply not...
- Yeah, Peter...
- Who is it?
Peter, hi, sorry, listen,
I'm going to have to pass you on
to one of my top people.
Angela Heaney, I think you know her.
I've just got a picture editor,
I'm working to deadlines here.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
Peter! Peter?
Hi, it's Emma.
- Oh, hi, Emma.
- Oh, sorry. You're on the phone. Sorry.
I thought it was Kate Winslet.
She generally pops round about now.
Peter, hi, it's Angela Heaney.
Hi, look, Angela, can I call you back?
Yeah, fine.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Ah, Peter. Stewart.
Oh, hi, Stewart. A double-whammy.
Emma here and you in my ear.
Yeah, can you put me on speaker?
I've no idea.
You're young. Can this go on speaker?
Oh, yes, give it here.
- Stewart? We got him.
- Thanks, Emma.
Peter, we need you to go on News 24,
like Phil asked,
and to say nice things about the PM.
If I'm praising the PM, can I at least
have a go at Tom and the Nutters?
Can I at least subtly suggest they're
waving in a man who pulls himself off
by reading European tax law amendments?
No way! No way!
We do not slag off Tom. We want Tom in.
Tom is our big, fat, socially
dysfunctional swing-voter-repellent,
golden weirdo ticket.
Surely you can understand how this
will work in our favour, Peter?
I mean, they're going to elect a man
who can count his friends
on the fingers of, like...
of my father's right hand.
Dan Miller is thinking of standing.
That's what I'm hearing.
Yeah... Oh, sorry, just a minute.
Just a minute.
Mark! Mark!
When I say I want you to CC JB on
everything to do with these interviews,
I do mean everything,
not just the things that
you think are important.
I'm an extraordinarily
precise man, Mark.
That's why my wife left me.
JB doesn't want Dan Miller.
He's too young, and he's too witty,
whereas Tom looks 92, and
he's about as funny as Norman Wisdom.
We slag Tom off once he's elected,
but not now, hmm?
Oh, has the conch been passed?
Can I talk now?
You have the talking stick.
- I won't do News 24.
- Peter, you really need to do News 24.
I'll do Radio 4, The World Tonight.
That way, I can stay here
and do it on the end of a phone.
Fine. Emma, give him
the bullet points to hit
and I'll set things up this end.
Will do. Will do, Stewart.
Can we have Phil over, as well?
I like Phil.
What, you don't like me?
Of course I like you.
I like and fear and mistrust you.
Joke.
Kind of.
PETER: While I've disagreed with the
Prime Minister on matters of policy...
I believe he will be judged by history
as a man of conviction, a statesman.
Oh, statesman! Bingo! They love it
when you talk all statesman to them.
...the sniping that's coming from
factions within his own government
at the moment, I think, demeans them
and, more to the point,
demeans politics.
This is lovely, Em. Listen and learn.
You see, he can still do it,
if you poke him with a stick.
INTERVIEWER: That announcement that you
were due to make about immigration,
your press conference
was somewhat upstaged...
Uh, no, no, no. Emma, Emma, stop him.
Stop him. Write him a card.
You, not Phil.
Phil will have him reading out of
the bloody Hobbit.
PETER: The immigration system,
the most acute of which
was a computer system which was
simply not fit for purpose.
What's he doing?
This is completely off-piece.
...simply a rough guide for terrorism.
INTERVIEWER: Can you tell us,
how do you rectify that?
Create an independent body. Stop it
being the sorry political football...
Political football? Great! What is this?
Jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest
Political Cliches?
But why is Zippy still talking?
Emma, zip him! Zip him!
It would mean porous borders,
unchecked immigration...
STEWART: Before he moves on
to rivers of blood, Emma,
find a kitchen implement
and start cutting bits of him off
until he just shuts up!
I know for a fact that the prospective
new Prime Minister
is in complete agreement with him.
Right, that's it. I'm coming over there.
Now. Yeah. With an axe.
No, no, no, I want all of them,
but I'll pick them up when I get back.
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Thanks.
(SIGHING) Sorry.
Sorry, Peter, where were we?
Well, I think you were in the middle
of telling me off,
and I was wondering
if it was bedtime yet.
You're really not getting
the seriousness of this, are you, Peter?
Briefing the press
on the immigration figures is...
Well, it's a resigning issue.
I'm not doing it.
I was on the radio, as you know.
I did the... the thing...
Yeah, I heard that.
Anything else is not me.
And that's where
the defence rests, is it?
I'm supposed to believe that?
I'm not doing it, and I don't...
I can't be arsed to lie with you.
I don't give a rat's fart
what you think.
Okay.
All right, well, if it's not you,
then who is it?
Well, if it's not us, the opposition,
then by process of elimination,
I'd say it'd have to be them,
the government.
Now pass me my deerstalker and pipe
and violin and opium.
- Oh, tee and hee.
- What?
You are negatively affecting
our profile, Peter.
- That's my point. And the fallout...
- Oh, come on, Stewart.
Wake up, for God's sake.
No one's taking any notice of us.
We've got to stamp and shout and
throw bricks and wave our chap around
to even get a hint of recognition
from the press.
(SIGHING)
There's absolutely
no common ground here, is there?
- No.
- Um...
Look, I've got to take a slash.
Can I use your bathroom?
It's upstairs, second on the left.
Oh, no, it's... There's a thing...
I'll show you.
What, you have instructions
to a bathroom?
What? I piss, I flush, I wash, I leave.
What do I need?
PETER: Do you never stop talking?
STEWART: Well, sometimes I stop talking.
- I sleep.
- Yeah.
Don't get cocaine on the towel.
And don't slam the door shut.
The builders haven't put
the handle back on,
and you'd get locked in, okay?
Peter, you appear to have a car radio
attached to your bath.
What... Hey, Peter,
have you pimped your tub?
Is that so you can lie in the bath
and slit your wrists
to the sound of
the Today programme, hmm?
Oh, very funny, Peter.
Peter! I mean it, Peter, open the door!
Peter!
You are...
You're a pathetic, bloody infant, Peter!
Open the...
Open the door! Open the door now!
I will not be imprisoned!
Do you understand? Open the door!
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay, it's open. It's open.
Sorry. Sorry, I was just...
Don't you ever, I mean ever, ever
pull a stunt on me like that again!
Do you understand?
I was just messing about.
I couldn't resist it.
So I suppose you're not a fan
of those bloopers type shows, are you?
No.
REPORTER: Are you on your way to make an
announcement about possible standings?
MAN: That's something
I'm not really prepared...
Phil, switch over.
We haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.
No, it would just be the Ten Glorious
Years package in permanent orbit.
Is it just me,
or does Noel Gallagher getting older
look like one of those
Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Who's that?
- It's Peter.
Hi.
Something's happened.
Something's happened.
- Phil, let me talk to him.
- No, I'll do it, it's fine.
For fuck's sake, Ollie,
it's five in the morning.
What are you...
I didn't order a male massage.
Just, I need something, that's all.
Sorry... A bit of an issue came up.
There's a number of basically important
things... I need some policy items.
I want to talk to you about
urban regeneration.
And also, what is the cheese
situation in the house?
Cheese?
It's for Malcolm
because he's a bit mousy.
He's come for cheese?
This is fucking priceless.
- No...
- Malcolm has sent you to get cheese.
No, no, the government
has sent me to get cheese, Phil.
I'm getting to...
It's all hands to the pump over there.
- The cheese pump?
- Yeah, no...
No. Cheese is just part of
an emerging political landscape, Emma.
- Of course! Of course it is, Ollie.
- I'm not fucking Bernard Ingham.
Well, I really
don't understand politics,
but you can see why people don't vote.
Peter, if it was a joke,
explain to him what a joke is.
I mean, does he not realise?
Well, I did... I kept trying
to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.
He kept going on about
false imprisonment,
like he was Solzhenitsyn or Terry Waite.
Look, he can't fire you over a prank.
It just looks ridiculous.
Are you talking to Beadle?
Is Beadle coming into
the shadow cabinet now, is he?
Fuck off! Emma,
get Dairy Queen out of my face.
I'm developing a media strategy.
This is high-level shit.
- (LAUGHING) Yeah.
- EMMA: It's not funny.
It's quite funny.
I think the news is spreading.
I'm gonna have to call you back. Bye.
(MOBILE RINGING)
Dude!
Listen, stop floating me.
What, so it's off?
Giving that plummy twat our cheddar?
Look, he's just having
a bit of cheese...
Let's at least poison it
or rub our balls on it or something.
I'm going to need some
spin control on this, though, Ollie,
so do you want to be my guy?
Not the Prime Minister's guy,
but a regular... a normal guy's guy.
PHIL: Ah. I live for this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
Everything all right?
Yeah.
Thank you. Everything's fine. I'm still
within the heart of government.
- Big department and everything.
- Cheese department?
- Fuck you, Phil.
- Don't take it all, for Christ's sake.
It's all right. Let him have it.
This one's got port in there, as well.
I wanted that.
Well, that's incredibly generous of you.
I'll... I'll...
Look, he's the cheese monitor.
Leave him alone.
(ALL SHOUTING)
Have the fucking port, Phil!
Got it. Fine.
Off you go with your cheese,
Mr Ocado Delivery Boy.
BEN ON RADIO: I've always been fiercely
opposed, fiercely, to racism...
(LAUGHING)
... and discrimination. Always had
an exemplary record in this regard.
I can assure you of one thing,
I certainly won't be resigning.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Morning.
- EMMA: Have you seen The Mail?
Um, no, I haven't.
I'm under 40 and I have a penis. Why?
They've got a big graphic
on the night's winners and losers.
Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.
OLLIE: What? Me? I'm in it?
You look very, very pasty
and about nine.
OLLIE: Am I a winner or a loser?
EMMA: You are a loser.
I'm a loser? For fuck's sake.
BEN ON RADIO: I have the full support...
God, is that Ben on Today
in the background? Oh...
You can even hear him
blinking on the radio.
This is absolute bollocks.
I'm not supposed to be in the paper.
I'm just, you know... It's not me who's
supposed to be in the paper, is it?
It's fucking ridiculous.
EMMA: Oh, come on, it's only The Mail.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, yeah, I know it's The Daily Mail
but, you know, my mum gets The Mail.