The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries (1995–2001): Season 3, Episode 5 - Jeepers Creepers/Yelp! - full transcript
(Tweety)
Russia's changed since
the Iron Curtain went down.
rattle
(Sylvester)
Still Moscow remains
the center for music and dance.
- Ooh. What's that?
- Bolshoi.
(Tweety)
Granny's gonna wash
your mouth out with soap.
(Sylvester)
I said Bolshoi, as in ballet.
It's modern ballet.
It's capitalism.
So I bit him.
'See, he hadn't had
bite in weeks.'
Hey, I know you're out there,
I smell caviar on your breath.
Comrades, it's not my fault.
Nobody's gettin' a laugh
in this club
since some traitor stole
the famed Bolshoi Borscht Belt.
[all gasping]
(male #1)
'Bolshoi's gone.'
Help! Back off, Manski.
'Somebody find that
belt...quickly.'
♪ Whenever there's
a crime or trouble ♪
♪ That no one who can solve
that all it seems ♪
♪ That's when they call
them on the double ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety
Mysteries ♪
♪ If every day
or night whenever ♪
♪ Conditions are right
for them to flee ♪
♪ Somehow it all
still fits together ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety
Mysteries ♪
♪ If there's a full moon ♪
♪ An old house
with rocking stairs ♪
♪ Just wook around you ♪
♪ Chances are we'll be there ♪
♪ Someday I'll eat
that darn canary ♪
♪ And then I'll be happy
yes siree ♪
♪ But Hector thinks
you should be wary ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety
Mysteries ♪
♪ The chase goes on
with each new mission ♪
♪ With backdrops aplenty
globally ♪
♪ And through it all
they're in contention ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety ♪
♪ Mysteries ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Anything to the claim?
Oh. Oh, why, yes.
I'm thrilled
to be back in USSR.
We're no longer USSR, madam.
We are Russian now.
Oh! Oh, how silly of me.
'Eh, well,
we were booked for Hawaii'
'but then a space at Lennon's
Leisure Village opened up.'
Ah!
[growls]
[gulps]
(male #2)
Nice kitty-catski.
Ha! You cannot bring American
blood jeans into this
country.
- Let go.
- They're mine.
- They're mine. Mine.
- Mine. Mine.
And they call us ugly Americans.
(male #2)
You can keep them.
Oh, I did need a skosh
more room.
[giggles]
And I could use
a skosh more dinner.
Aah..
[whirring]
[instrumental music]
[Sylvester laughing]
Ooh. Lucky that worked.
[gasps]
[groans]
Hurry, Sylvester,
the shuttle's about to leave.
[instrumental music]
Eeh!
[instrumental music]
Be prepared.
Pack, wash, and wear.
Goodness! This isn't mine.
[laughs]
But it does go nicely
with my skirt.
Oh, I feel funny.
Oh, so funny.
[knock on door]
Knock knock, who's there?
[screams]
Sylvester,
the man just wants a tip.
Here's your tip, fella.
'Ah, don't eat any yellow
snow.'
Uh?
I thought I heard a rimshot.
You've been a wonderful bellhop.
I'm here all week.
Try the beets.
[laughing]
And they say Russians
have no sense of humor.
'A bum walks up to me and says'
"I haven't had a bite
in a week, so I bit him."
[snoring]
I tell you, there are more
communist plots around here
than in a Moscow cemetery.
'Why did the Russian find
a rubber tire in a soup?'
'Because the automobile
is finally replacing the
horse.'
'Did you hear the one about
Russian-Japanese food?'
And now or later
you're hungry for power.
Hmm?
Hey. Give me back
my subcutaneous insulation.
Don't try that at home.
Result may vary.
Come on, boys,
let's paint this town red.
Eh, red?
[laughs]
Shh. Oh, I'm hot tonight.
(male #3)
'Look, granny wears the stolen'
'Borscht Belt in open
defiance.'
'Purely to mock us.'
[snoring]
[camera clicks]
(male #3)
'It is time for plan B.'
[instrumental music]
Ah, the cold war.
Those were the days.
Wiretaps and microchips.
How I miss spying.
We need a nice international
incident to liven things up.
[both screaming]
Hmm. You ever heard
of the Borscht Belt?
Sure. I opened
for Jack Shekky..
Not that Borscht Belt,
you Bolshevik.
The one that makes
anyone a comedian.
I hear it's missing.
(all)
Manski! Manski! Manski!
[audience cheering]
Ta-da!
Take my dental, please.
[audience laughing]
My car is such a lemon, they
found medflies in the engine.
Citizens, that Amerikanski
grandmother is thief.
'She wears our beloved
Bolshoi Borscht Belt.'
[audience gasping]
Gracious, no.
I only thought
it went with my pumps.
[indistinct chatter]
Time to call the ambassador.
Oh! Oh, goodness, you're fast.
Who are you?
I'm Fud Figmanski.
Owner of the Gulag Giggle Coach.
You're being set up. Look.
Citizens, the Amerikanskisare
trying to start World War III
by presently taking away
our greatest resource.
Comedy. They must be stopped.
Now, the world.
All I did was accessorize.
With that belt,
you'll become
the funniest American
since Pauly Shore.
I want you for my club.
You'll be safe there.
Oh, but I couldn't possibly..
[audience clamoring]
Ah, when do we leave?
[indistinct]
(Fud)
'Because they's thinking
capitalist waterfowl.'
Thank you, Marx Brothers.
And now, direct from America.
Granny!
I'm starving.
[audience laughing]
I'm serious.
I have low blood sugar.
I need to eat something sweet.
[audience laughing]
Russian candy bars.
Wait a minute.
Ooh, granny loves caviar
and chocolate nougat.
Oh, pardon me, but I ate so much
I need to loosen my belt.
[groans]
[instrumental music]
rumbles
[growling]
screech
[audience laughing]
Granny's fine,
but I have a life.
And I have a canary craving.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Sylvester, there is no eating
in the theatre.
Have some respect.
Respect?
You've got our Borscht Belt.
And I'm taking it back.
[groaning]
[groaning]
[screaming]
(Tweety)
'Gremlins from the Kremlin.'
I don't get it.
Why would you want to frame me?
- We've been bored.
- Pieces hack.
♪ We are Gremlins ♪
♪ From the Kremlin ♪
Say, I wonder if there are
anymore of those little
guys.
There could be.
[yelps]
[audience laughing]
[theme music]
Russia's changed since
the Iron Curtain went down.
rattle
(Sylvester)
Still Moscow remains
the center for music and dance.
- Ooh. What's that?
- Bolshoi.
(Tweety)
Granny's gonna wash
your mouth out with soap.
(Sylvester)
I said Bolshoi, as in ballet.
It's modern ballet.
It's capitalism.
So I bit him.
'See, he hadn't had
bite in weeks.'
Hey, I know you're out there,
I smell caviar on your breath.
Comrades, it's not my fault.
Nobody's gettin' a laugh
in this club
since some traitor stole
the famed Bolshoi Borscht Belt.
[all gasping]
(male #1)
'Bolshoi's gone.'
Help! Back off, Manski.
'Somebody find that
belt...quickly.'
♪ Whenever there's
a crime or trouble ♪
♪ That no one who can solve
that all it seems ♪
♪ That's when they call
them on the double ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety
Mysteries ♪
♪ If every day
or night whenever ♪
♪ Conditions are right
for them to flee ♪
♪ Somehow it all
still fits together ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety
Mysteries ♪
♪ If there's a full moon ♪
♪ An old house
with rocking stairs ♪
♪ Just wook around you ♪
♪ Chances are we'll be there ♪
♪ Someday I'll eat
that darn canary ♪
♪ And then I'll be happy
yes siree ♪
♪ But Hector thinks
you should be wary ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety
Mysteries ♪
♪ The chase goes on
with each new mission ♪
♪ With backdrops aplenty
globally ♪
♪ And through it all
they're in contention ♪
♪ Sylvester and Tweety ♪
♪ Mysteries ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Anything to the claim?
Oh. Oh, why, yes.
I'm thrilled
to be back in USSR.
We're no longer USSR, madam.
We are Russian now.
Oh! Oh, how silly of me.
'Eh, well,
we were booked for Hawaii'
'but then a space at Lennon's
Leisure Village opened up.'
Ah!
[growls]
[gulps]
(male #2)
Nice kitty-catski.
Ha! You cannot bring American
blood jeans into this
country.
- Let go.
- They're mine.
- They're mine. Mine.
- Mine. Mine.
And they call us ugly Americans.
(male #2)
You can keep them.
Oh, I did need a skosh
more room.
[giggles]
And I could use
a skosh more dinner.
Aah..
[whirring]
[instrumental music]
[Sylvester laughing]
Ooh. Lucky that worked.
[gasps]
[groans]
Hurry, Sylvester,
the shuttle's about to leave.
[instrumental music]
Eeh!
[instrumental music]
Be prepared.
Pack, wash, and wear.
Goodness! This isn't mine.
[laughs]
But it does go nicely
with my skirt.
Oh, I feel funny.
Oh, so funny.
[knock on door]
Knock knock, who's there?
[screams]
Sylvester,
the man just wants a tip.
Here's your tip, fella.
'Ah, don't eat any yellow
snow.'
Uh?
I thought I heard a rimshot.
You've been a wonderful bellhop.
I'm here all week.
Try the beets.
[laughing]
And they say Russians
have no sense of humor.
'A bum walks up to me and says'
"I haven't had a bite
in a week, so I bit him."
[snoring]
I tell you, there are more
communist plots around here
than in a Moscow cemetery.
'Why did the Russian find
a rubber tire in a soup?'
'Because the automobile
is finally replacing the
horse.'
'Did you hear the one about
Russian-Japanese food?'
And now or later
you're hungry for power.
Hmm?
Hey. Give me back
my subcutaneous insulation.
Don't try that at home.
Result may vary.
Come on, boys,
let's paint this town red.
Eh, red?
[laughs]
Shh. Oh, I'm hot tonight.
(male #3)
'Look, granny wears the stolen'
'Borscht Belt in open
defiance.'
'Purely to mock us.'
[snoring]
[camera clicks]
(male #3)
'It is time for plan B.'
[instrumental music]
Ah, the cold war.
Those were the days.
Wiretaps and microchips.
How I miss spying.
We need a nice international
incident to liven things up.
[both screaming]
Hmm. You ever heard
of the Borscht Belt?
Sure. I opened
for Jack Shekky..
Not that Borscht Belt,
you Bolshevik.
The one that makes
anyone a comedian.
I hear it's missing.
(all)
Manski! Manski! Manski!
[audience cheering]
Ta-da!
Take my dental, please.
[audience laughing]
My car is such a lemon, they
found medflies in the engine.
Citizens, that Amerikanski
grandmother is thief.
'She wears our beloved
Bolshoi Borscht Belt.'
[audience gasping]
Gracious, no.
I only thought
it went with my pumps.
[indistinct chatter]
Time to call the ambassador.
Oh! Oh, goodness, you're fast.
Who are you?
I'm Fud Figmanski.
Owner of the Gulag Giggle Coach.
You're being set up. Look.
Citizens, the Amerikanskisare
trying to start World War III
by presently taking away
our greatest resource.
Comedy. They must be stopped.
Now, the world.
All I did was accessorize.
With that belt,
you'll become
the funniest American
since Pauly Shore.
I want you for my club.
You'll be safe there.
Oh, but I couldn't possibly..
[audience clamoring]
Ah, when do we leave?
[indistinct]
(Fud)
'Because they's thinking
capitalist waterfowl.'
Thank you, Marx Brothers.
And now, direct from America.
Granny!
I'm starving.
[audience laughing]
I'm serious.
I have low blood sugar.
I need to eat something sweet.
[audience laughing]
Russian candy bars.
Wait a minute.
Ooh, granny loves caviar
and chocolate nougat.
Oh, pardon me, but I ate so much
I need to loosen my belt.
[groans]
[instrumental music]
rumbles
[growling]
screech
[audience laughing]
Granny's fine,
but I have a life.
And I have a canary craving.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Sylvester, there is no eating
in the theatre.
Have some respect.
Respect?
You've got our Borscht Belt.
And I'm taking it back.
[groaning]
[groaning]
[screaming]
(Tweety)
'Gremlins from the Kremlin.'
I don't get it.
Why would you want to frame me?
- We've been bored.
- Pieces hack.
♪ We are Gremlins ♪
♪ From the Kremlin ♪
Say, I wonder if there are
anymore of those little
guys.
There could be.
[yelps]
[audience laughing]
[theme music]