The State (1993–2009): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript

And now the nascent
Peter Pan-ism of The State.

And when he went around to
let his girlfriend out of the car,

there was a hook
hanging in the door handle.

One like this!

And he mooed like a cow. Moo!

And he had an ass this big!

And he hated this
side of his head!

And he lived on a treadmill!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪



♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Hey-oh-ah-hey.

Every morning, me
and my best buddy,

Frankie the Pig, greet people

as they pass by on the highway.

We do it because
we like to bring a smile

to people's face



and good cheer
into their hearts.

And we are great at
waving. Watch this.

As mayor, I'm very proud
to have Sal and Frankie

as members of this community.

This town has fallen
onto some hard times

in the past 80 years,

but Sal and Frankie
really spread good cheer

into people's hearts.

I just wish they wouldn't
sit so close to the highway.

When you've been waving at cars

and bringing joyous
mirth to people's lives

for as long as we have,

you develop a whole
array of different waves.

Now, the first wave is
called the statue wave.

See, you're just standing there.

You don't move. No.

But you're still saying hi

and giving people a nice feeling

of warmth and smiling.

Yeah.

Now, the second wave,

that's just a thumbs-up.

Yeah.

It means you're doing a
good job out there on the road.

Keep up the good work. Yeah.

That's all it is.

And then, of course, there is

the house-is-on-fire wave.

See, it looks like we're
saying, "The house is on fire!

The house is on fire!"

The house ain't on
fire; we're just waving

and making good
on people's attitude.

Oh, my back, oh,
boy. Sit down, then.

Sal and Frankie
are very special.

They spend 365 days a year

spreading warm fuzzies

into people's cold pricklies.

On a more serious note, though,

I really wish they wouldn't
sit so close to the road.

Some of these cars

are doing 70, 80 miles an hour,

and these guys are pretty old,

so if anyone cut
that curve too close,

I doubt they'd be able
to get out of the way.

Sometimes things are
slow; there's not many cars,

so we pass the
time in other forms.

♪ ♪

We love jazz. It's free-form.

Oh, them big black
guys playing the jazz,

it's free-form.

As I said, they're
there 365 days a year,

almost 24 hours
a day; it's great.

It can be a little scary too.

Slow down!

There is a city ordinance

that says they can't sit
that close to the highway,

because there are
thousands... Literally thousands...

Of cars rushing by at
extremely high, high speeds.

So we sent an officer
down there to tell them this,

but Sal and Frankie
had a different opinion

on that particular matter.

Who cares? I'm Mean Ass
Sal, and I don't give a damn.

Get bent! You're a
fakoum binny toots.

Know what that is? It's
an insult. I made it up.

I'm Frankie the Pig.

Oink, oink, in
your face, you pig,

you stupid little mitzi fazool.

Tell him what that means, Sal.

It means fakoum
binny toots, same thing!

Eventually, cooler
heads prevailed.

A happy medium was reached.

Certainly, a
compromise was made.

We're gonna be right here
waving at cars passing by

for a long time.

Until we can't do it no more.

That's right.

Sal and Frankie
brought happy smiles

to the faces of
many people's heads.

But they just sat too
close to the highway.

And now, as a
service to our viewers:

♪ ♪

Oh, honey?

Mm-hmm?

Did you get my
note about B-I-L-L-Y?

Uh, yeah, I did.

Why does B-I-L-L-Y

need to go to a D-O-C-T-O-R?

Is he S-I-C-K?

Well, by D-O-C-T-O-R, I mean

P-S-Y-C-H-I-A-T-R-I-S-T.

Really?

You're saying B-I-L-L-Y

might be C-R-A-Z-Y?

He needs H-E-L-P.

I think he may have S-E-V-E-R-E

C-H-R-O-N-I-C,

P-O-S-T-T-R-A-U-M-A

R-E-L-A-T-E-D...

A-N-X-I-E-T-Y
R-E-A-C-T-I-V-A-T-E-D

M-A...

N-I-C...

♪ A-G-O-R-A-C-A-N-T-
A-S-P-O-N-T-E-P-H-O-B-I-A. ♪

♪ Severe and chronic ♪

♪ post-trauma-related ♪

♪ anxiety-reactivated ♪

♪ manic
agoracantaspontephobia. ♪

One more time!

♪ Severe and chronic ♪

♪ post-trauma-related ♪

♪ anxiety-reactivated ♪

♪ manic
agoracantaspontephobia. ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah! ♪

♪ That's me! ♪

Billy!

Sit down and finish
your vegetables.

I'll call the D-O-C-T-O-R

in the morning.

Billy's a nut ball.

Prince Andrew III.

I've never been to
one of these before.

It's wonderful to see
you again, Prince.

Thank you so much for coming.

Charmed.

Wrong hand.

How's it goin'?

I apologize for that
awful, awful man.

Hmm, gee, I wonder where Bob is.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Bob. I didn't think
you were going to show.

Yeah, sorry I'm late.

I kind of got
tied up in traffic.

That's okay. What's up?

Well, I went over to
the new Cutlery Barn

on 34th Street today.

What's it like?

It's pretty cool.

Hey, you want to
order some food?

Okay.

Waiter.

Hi, can I take your order?

What are your specials, please?

Um, Spaghetti and
fried bumblebees.

Hey, you can't
talk to us like that.

We want to see the manager.

Manager.

What seems to be the problem?

We don't like the way
your waiter talked to us.

I'm sorry. It won't
happen again.

Okay.

Hey, guys, is there
room at this table?

Oh, hi, Frank. What's up?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was down at the
new Cutlery Barn.

Yeah, I've been there.
They got pretty cool stuff.

I guess I should check it out.

Yeah, you should.

Waiter, do you have the
new fried bumblebee special?

Hi.

We thought it might be funny

to take one of our guys

and put him in a tuxedo

and then take him
to a number of places

where people don't
normally wear a tuxedo,

and the results were...

Well, let's watch the tape.

Here we are, Main Street, USA,

maybe the last place on Earth

people would expect to see

somebody in a getup like this.

Look at me. I'm in a tuxedo.

He kept walking.

Yeah, I'd offer
to help you guys,

but I don't want to
get it on my tuxedo.

How you doin'?

Sproing!

You're sitting there
like, "I don't know.

Why is he in a
tuxedo? Is he rea"...

I mean, it was...

You got to admit it
was pretty strange.

Yeah.

He said yeah.

He said yeah. He
definitely said yeah.

Tuxedo!

It's MTV!

And now I'd like to introduce

our tuxedo fellow,
Michael Ian Black.

Michael.

I've got to ask you.

What was it like going
to all of those places

wearing a tuxedo?

Dave, I've got one
word for you: bananas.

This thing was out of control.

Well, if you enjoyed our
tuxedo tour of Main Street,

wait till you see this next bit.

Dave, I went to, of all places,

a car wash,

and when I showed
up in this monkey suit,

the whole place went a little...

bananas.

Now, this is the
Brushless Car Wash

in Hicksville, Long Island.

As you can see,

Mike is still
wearing the tuxedo.

I'd like to get the
car washed, please.

Now, keep your
eye on the attendant.

He can't believe
what he's seeing.

Pull inside.

When you get in the tunnel,

you put it in neutral;
you don't touch the wheel.

You got it? Close the window.

He was so shocked that
all he could think to do

was give you directions,
as if you were wearing

blue jeans, maybe even a blazer,

but not a tuxedo.

Dave, I think it's safe to say

this is one car wash
those folks will never forget.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed

our little tuxedo adventure,

and remember,

when it comes to
wearing a tuxedo...

Wait a minute, Dave.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah, you.

Buddy, this is just a TV taping.

You don't have to
dress in a tuxedo.

Most of our audience

likes to dress fairly casually.

Yeah, sir, are you going

to a wedding?

Uh... no.

This is very odd.

Okay.

I got to let you
guys off the hook.

It's me, Ken Marino
from The State.

The whole crew was in on it.

The whole crew.

Oh, no!

Oh, my god!

I said you ought
to wear the suit.

I think we've been had.

I think we've been had.

Well, folks, it just
goes to show you,

when it comes to
wearing a tuxedo,

the rules are...

There are no rules!

Good night, everybody.

That was bananas!

What's wrong with
Lil' Brown dog food?

Good enough for this dog.
Ain't good enough for yours?

♪ Lil' Brown dog food.
Lil' Brown dog food. ♪

♪ Lil' Brown dog
food. Yap, yap, yap. ♪

You think your dog food's
better than Lil' Brown dog food?

Well, shut up.

Look at that
dog. He's eatin' it.

♪ Lil' Brown dog food.
Lil' Brown dog food. ♪

♪ Lil' Brown dog
food. Yap, yap, yap. ♪

Lil' Brown dog food's good.

I think it's good.

I don't eat dog food
myself on a particular basis,

but I've heard from sources
that it works for feeding dogs.

Git... git outta that!

♪ Little Brown dog food. ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff. ♪

Little Brown dog food:

it works for feedin' dogs.

It's good.

But you can always
count on Berenger

to give a good performance...

Check her out.

I love you!

I love you! Please stop!

If you love me, you'll stop!

Okay,

I may not be the
best-looking guy in the world.

I'm a little bit
overweight for my height,

but I could hit a
growth spurt at any time.

According to my dentist,
I have soft teeth, granted,

but I have a certain panache.

I do fear commitment
and relationships,

and my mother
describes me as "moody,"

but I can change.

Okay, okay, if you love me,

just keep skating as
fast as you can, okay?

Are you okay?

I love you.

If you love me, you'll
shift into a lower gear!

Once again:

♪ ♪

And now, from
Belgium, on videotape,

The Mr. and Former Mrs.
Laupin Variety Program,

with your host, Mr. Laupin!

♪ ♪

How do you do?

Fine, thank you. And you?

Awful, I hurt my funny bone

playing crosses and balls.

Hello, Archibald. I
am not talking to you.

Yes, I am. Hello.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

It's time! Here she comes.

She used to be my wife,

and I still love her,

the former Mrs. Laupin!

Hello, former Mrs. Laupin.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, Agatha. I still love you.

Who is your friend?

He is my lover, and
his name is Fitar,

and he loves chocolates.

Chocolates make me crazy.

They're like a crazy potion.

Well, isn't that nice for you?

I suppose that I will
just have to kill myself!

He's at it again! Hurrah!

Beep!

Hello.

Hello.

Hello!

And now, playing
his popular song

Don't Break My Hands,

Raoul Bender!

♪ Don't break my hands, for... ♪

I wonder who that could be.

I wonder who that could be!

I think you have a
line, funny bunny.

Who is it?

Oh, no.

It's that rascal, Ape Man!

Should we let him in?

He's bound to cause trouble.

Okay!

Sacre bleu!

Oh, no!

We've got to keep
him away from...

The vegetable cart!

Hee-lite!

Who is it?

It's du Secretary Générale!

I have a warrant for
the arrest of Ape Man.

Have you seen him?

No!

No!

Then explain

what happened to
the vegetable cart!

It's been like dat for weeks!

Oh, well, as long as I'm here,

I might as well rock out

with the Laupin
Teenage Dancers USA!

Mr. Laupin,

we have a live report
from the Man About Town.

Man About Town, where are you?

I am in your home,
covered in lotion,

and I'm reading your ledger.

Mwah!

I feel like my head is
going to explo-ho-hode!

♪ Don't break my... ♪

Will you stop

kissing my former wife?

♪ ♪

I think it's a dud!

Beep!

♪ It's been fun at the show, ♪

♪ but it's time for
us to go away. ♪

♪ But we hope to see you... ♪

♪ Soon! ♪

Run for you lives!
It's the ape man!

♪ ♪