The State (1993–2009): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript

Hi, I'm David Wain, a
member of The State

who you may not
be so familiar with.

And the reason is because we,
the 11 members of The State,

all have different specialties.

Some act more.

Some write and direct more.

And my big thing is editing.

Does it bother me
that I'm not recognized

as much as some of the
other guys on the show?

No.

For one thing, I
get a lot less sex.



Okay, that's a bad thing.

But I'm a team player,
and you'd be surprised

how much you can express
yourself through editing.

Enjoy the show.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ David Wain. ♪

Step right up, ladies
and gentlemen,

to the World's
Greatest Freak Show.

That's right, ladies
and gentlemen,

the World's Greatest Freak Show.

Hey, what kind
of freaks you got?

I'm glad you asked that, friend.

We've got the
most terrific freaks

in the entire world.

Do you like reptiles, boy?

Yeah.

We've got the Snake Man.

Do you like monstrosities?

Yeah.

We've got the King Twins.

Do you like Jell-O?

Yeah!

Me too!

Step inside, my friend,

into the wondrous
world of freaks.

You won't regret this, friend.

Let me introduce
you to our first freak:

Medium Head Boy,
the boy with no brains.

Medium Head Boy was found
deep in the jungles of Africa.

Legend has it that he
was raised by insects,

and when he reached
the ripe age of ten,

they crawled inside his
head and ate his brains!

From that day on,
Medium Head Boy

has been unable to
answer a question correctly.

Watch.

Medium Head Boy,
Medium Head Boy,

what are the seven
wonders of the world?

Well, Great Wall of China.

Ya got one.

The Colossus at Rhodes?

Sure, sure, that's two.

I don't know any others.

You see? He doesn't know.

Watch.

Medium Head Boy,

Medium Head Boy,

who was the 15th president
of the United States?

Lincoln?

No, that's not right.

I... I don't know.

Freak!

All right, let me introduce
you to our next freak:

the Snake Man,
half man, half snake.

The Snake Man was found

deep within a
laboratory in Mexico.

Rumor has it that
a scientist went mad

after being bitten by a
highly venomous snake.

He then took the snake
and swallowed it whole.

Soon after, he underwent
a bizarre metamorphosis

and changed into a snake man,

half man,

half snake.

Don't get too close, friend.

Freak!

All right, let me introduce
you to our next freak,

or shall I say freaks?

The King Twins, a
lot like Siamese twins,

but different.

They were connected at
the hand a little after birth,

and since then, they have
chosen almost never to let go.

Hi.

Are you enjoying the show?

Freaks!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
now, wait a minute.

This is a total rip-off.

These people aren't freaks.

The King Twins?

They don't even look like twins.

They're just holding hands.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

What?

And this guy, Medium Head Boy?

That's right.

The boy with no brains!

Watch!

Medium Head Boy,

Medium Head Boy,

what is the square root of 57?

I don't know.

Well, actually, if I had
pencil and paper, I suppose...

Freak!

No, no way, pal.

Listen, give me my money
back, or I'm getting the cops.

All... all right, all right.

Take your money back.

I don't want money from
someone who's not 100% satisfied.

And I can tell you're not,
so am-scray, vamanos, pal.

Who needs ya around here?

Hi.

I'm here about the want ad
in the paper for the freaks.

Yeah, friend, what do you got?

Well, um, I can do this.

Freak!

Quite a bizarre twist.

Makes you wonder
who the real freak is,

that three-armed gentleman

or you, Mr. and Mrs.
Everyday American

with your nuclear family,

sitting around the
table to eat your dinner.

Tina, will you say the blessing?

God, thank you for this food,

and if you could just hear
my prayers just this once,

please kill my big brother.

Please, God, please kill Tim.

Have him eaten by
sharks or something, God.

Please.

That's enough.

God, Please hear
my daughter's prayer

and kill my boy.

Drop a boulder on him, Lord,

or strike him with lightning,

whatever method you prefer,

as we join our hands in prayer.

Please, God, please kill Tim.

Please, just kill him.

Just wipe him
out. Just erase him.

It's awful having him here.

Kill the boy,
God. Just kill him.

That's all you got to do.

I am shocked to hear
members of my congregation

praying this blasphemous prayer.

And yet I can't help but concur.

Please, Lord, kill this boy.

We must join our voices to God.

♪ Lord, please kill Tim. ♪

♪ Lord, please kill Tim. ♪

♪ Father, ♪

♪ we beseech you, ♪

♪ please kill Tim. ♪

♪ Amen. ♪

Well, there's chicken
and gravy for everybody.

I know you don't eat ham.

May I be excused?

Yes!

Watch your back.

What they don't know

is that me and
God are like this.

And now back to The Andersons.

Tune in next week for
more of The Andersons.

I mean it. Shut up.

I mean it.

Everybody...

Everybody.

We have a very
special birthday visitor,

Festus the clown.

Come on.

Here he comes.

Oh, how cute, you're
a boxcar hobo clown.

I'm a drifter, and
you're a philly.

I was... I was
out in the clinic,

and they said I got a
lot of fluid in my lungs.

Agh! Happy birthday,
happy birthday!

Who... who is the birthday boy?

Get a load of
this, birthday boy!

It comes off!

Ha, ha, my hand comes off.

One time... one time,
I... I was in Albuquerque,

and a couple of
fellows beat me so bad

that I peed all over myself!

Blackout!

I get blackouts.

Who turned off the lights?

Hey!

Ha, ha, hey!

Who wants to see a trick?

It comes off!

Oh, no, I put my
foot in my mouth.

Smooch!

Gotcha!

Okay.

Let's all thank this person
for coming out today.

Wait! Wait!

Who wants to punch
me in the neck?

Come on!

I've been punched in
the neck a hundred times!

Come on, it's free.

No it's not; it costs a dollar.

Oh, God.

Festus the clown!

Good-bye, children,
and always remember,

vinegar will get you drunk.

Birthday boy, that's for you.

An eyeball.

It comes out.

Thank you.

Shut up.

We at The State
would like to counteract

those last violent
images of police brutality

with these pictures
of happy bunnies.

♪ I smell like an animal, ♪

♪ have fur just
like an animal. ♪

♪ I have teeth,
and I have lungs. ♪

♪ I have teeth,
and I have lungs. ♪

♪ Grrrr. Grrrr. Grrrr. Grrrr. ♪

♪ I'm losing my hair like
an animal in springtime. ♪

♪ Grrrr. Grrrr. ♪

♪ Bears enjoy honey. ♪

♪ Owls go "who." ♪

♪ Whoooo-oooo. ♪

♪ I smell like an animal, ♪

♪ have fur just
like an animal. ♪

♪ Moo. ♪
♪ Neigh. ♪

♪ Cluck. ♪
♪ Ouk. ♪

♪ Caw. ♪

♪ Animal. ♪

A lot of people think that
a company with a name

like Booger,
Booger, and Fartybutt

can't be serious

about auto, health,
and life insurance,

but let me assure you

that at Booger,
Booger, and Fartybutt,

our commitment to
your insurance needs

is just as serious
as our name is silly.

In 1948, the Booger
brothers and H.A. Fartybutt

joined together to help
hardworking Americans

protect the important
things in life.

And today at Booger,
Booger, and Fartybutt,

we continue that tradition.

So when you think Booger,
Booger, and Fartybutt,

think about serious
comprehensive insurance coverage

and not about,

you know, boogers and farting.

And now if anyone would like

to pay their
respects to William,

please do so.

Boogety, boogety,
boogety, boogety!

I gotcha. I gotcha.

Guys?

And now if anyone would
like to pay their respects.

Ah!

Boogety, boogety, boogety!

Oh.

Ooh.

Um...

And now if anyone would like

to pay their respects.

He's not breathing.

Ah!

Boogety, boogety, boogety!

I had to do it.

I had to do it.

Boogety, boogety,
boogety, boogety, boogety!

Ah!

Boogety, boogety, boogety.

Those vibrant young
people are dead.

Who is next?

You tell yourself,
"Couldn't be me.

"I'm on the football team,

an average Joe who attends
high school every day."

Hi, Gwen.

Hi, Bozz.

So, uh, Gwen,

I was just thinkin'
maybe you'd like

to go with me to the prom.

I'm, Bozz.

I'm bitchin'.

I'm a punk.

My hair's a helmet
moussed to perfection.

This woman's got to say yeah.

Gee, Bozz, I'll have
to think about it.

I'm Gwen.

I'm red.

I'm diner vinyl.

And I ain't fast food.

Hi, Bozz.

Hi, Gwen. Hi, Rick.

Hey, Rick, how you doin'?

Slick.

He wants Gwen,

wants what I want.

Rick'll wait in the
wings, 'cause I'm thick.

I'm the boss.

I'm tough and rough.

Rick waits.

I'm doin' all right.

Bozz thinks I want Gwen.

Bozz is wrong.

I want Bozz.

I want to be Mrs. Bozz.

Bozz's bitch, that's
what I want to be.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Wanda.

I was just saying
hi, no subtext.

Hi, all.

Hi, Troy.

Hey, Troy, how ya doin'?

Troy sucks.

Got a knuckle sandwich
coming his way.

I've seen the way he eyes Gwen:

like an owl, like an owl!

Oh, I'm doing okay.

Hi, Wanda.

I want Wanda!

Hey, Rick, I like your jeans.

Oh, yeah?

Thanks.

Rick's a man.

He's jazz.

Rick's a trumpet.

I want Rick.

Troy's so friendly, so outgoing.

He's got a great demeanor,
and he's very smart.

I want Troy.

Why isn't Gwen answering me?

I'm Bozz.

I'm severe.

I'm rock. I'm roll.

I'm an ocean breeze.

I want Gwen.

Bozz, I don't think I can
go to the prom with you.

What? Why?

Ah!

Bozz got rejected.

Don't know if I'm happy

or sad.

I can't go to the
prom with you, Bozz,

because I'm going with

Troy.

You are?

But I want Wanda!

But, uh, jeez,
Gwen, I want Wanda!

Me?

But what about Rick?

He's jazz.

Rick's a good...
Tch-tch-tch... beat.

I don't want to go to
the prom with you Troy,

because I want

Rick.

But I want Bozz.

What?

I want to be Bozz's bitch.

Oh.

Bozz's bitch!

Okay, we gotcha.

Oh, well.

Got to go to class.

It's too bad about the prom.

Guess I'm going stag again.

Going stag again.

Bye, Troy. I'll see you later.

About 10:00.