The State (1993–2009): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

And now,

a special television event.

Wh... I know... I know that,

but he's called
six times already.

I'm babysitting, and
I'm here all alone.

Well, I'm... I'm
getting really scared.

I am.

Well, would you...

Would you just
trace the call, please?

Will you just please
do that for me, please?

Will you just do
that, trace the call?



Please? Thank you.

I'm still watching you.

Listen, you crazy bastard.
I've already called the pol...

Linda! It's me,
Sergeant Muldoon.

Check the other phone.

We traced the call.

Linda, the call is coming
from inside your pants!

Get out of your pants!

Linda, do you hear me?

For God's sakes,
get out of your pants!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪



♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Before these children

are old enough
for the first grade,

chances are, they
will be offered drugs.

To stop this problem, the
federal police have placed

several deep-cover
narcotics officers.

One of these children
is in fact that officer.

Oh, yeah, our undercover
nursery school program

has been very successful,

much more successful than
some of our other programs.

The undercover traffic cops

didn't work out.

The undercover park
ranger program was...

Well, pointless.

But I've really worked my way

into the Midvale
Elementary School system,

close to finding the pusher,

and I brought our T-ball
team to number one.

Tying your shoes, huh?

Yeah, it's hard.

Why? Are you on grass?

Yeah, it's tough.

I mean, I've been
undercover for this many...

Duck, duck, goose.

But you never
forget you're a cop.

Freeze!

I mingle; I network.

I keep my ear to the ground.

You know where I
can score some blow?

No talking.

And then, all at
once, it all pays off.

No running, guys.

Police officer!

Still no running!

He turned out clean,
counting milk money.

We nailed him for eating
glue, but the judge let him off

with a note his
parents had to sign.

♪ Paul is a narc. ♪

My cover was blown,

but I wouldn't call the
mission a total waste.

I can tie my shoes now.

The following color
bars and monkey noises

are closed captioned
for the hearing impaired.

You see what I'm saying, Wilson?

Everybody likes eatin' salad,

but nobody likes
preparin' 'em, right?

So what we do is,

we make an enormous tossed salad

in, like, the... The
trunk of my car.

Then we drive around
the neighborhood...

Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah...

Making mixed
salad for everybody,

all the neighbors,
make a lot of money.

We call it the...

The... The Green Machine?

Yes! The Green Machine.

Then we paint ourselves
green, stick tomatoes in our ears.

It's a promotional
thing, you know...

Wally! Wally!

I'm out here, Ma!
Oh, I shoulda known.

I thought maybe you
went out to get a job.

I'm working on it, Ma.

Don't you realize
that I'm workin' on it?

How could you be

"workin' on it" when all you do

is sit around the garage
all day wit' Wilson?

Wilson, how do you eat?

I was hopin' I could
stay for dinner tonight,

Mrs. Corchese.

Sweetheart, why don't you
try the Taco Hut? They're hiring.

What am I, nuts?
What am I, nuts?

Ma, do I look Taco Hut to you?

Wilson? No.

Ma, Ma, Ma, do you even know
what they do at that Taco Hut,

with their bovine growth
hormones in their meat

that have been medically
proven to lower the sperm count

in laboratory rats, Ma?

Is that what you want, Ma?

You want your son's
sperm lowered, Ma?

You want your grandchildren
to be laboratory rats, Ma?

Wilson?

I would not like
my grandchildren

to be laboratory rats, no.

Sweetheart, you
have to get a job.

Ma, I look for one every day,

but I'm never gonna find one.

Why? Because the man
is keepin' me down, Ma.

Your father?

No, Mama, the man, the
big boy, the government guy,

the gravy maker,
the money taker, Ma.

Whitey, Ma,

whitey's keepin' me down.

What am I, nuts?
It's all a conspiracy.

Ain't that right, Wilson?

Abso-tutely.

Wilson, don't you have a home?

I was hopin' I could
crash here tonight

if that would be all
right, Mrs. Corchese.

Sweetheart, why don't
you try getting a job

at the bowling alley?

Ma, what am I, nuts?

Grab me a stubby yellow pencil

so I can start writin'
strikes and spare marks

on my college degree.

Sweetheart, I brought
someone over to talk to you

about getting a
job, your Uncle Al.

Al! Ah!

Hey!

Wally, my boy!

To the kidney, to the
kidney, to the kidney.

Hey, Wally, why don't
you come with me,

get a job at the docks?

The docks? What am I, nuts?

Are my eyes bulging out?

Is my face turning
a turquoise color?

I feel like I'm bein' choked
by a blue collar here.

But, Wally,

everybody's workin' there.

Uncle Al!

Uncle Al, do I look
like a cow? Am I nuts?

Have I been talking in
moos this whole time?

I mean, that's a job for cattle.

Wilson,

have I been mooing?

You have not been
mooing, our Wally,

to my knowledge, no.

Pop.

Get a job.

What am I, nuts... Get a job.

But, Dad, my sperm,
it'll evaporate. Get a job.

But, Pop, the man is
keepin' me down. Get a job.

But, Dad, the minimum
wage is bad, Pop; it's bad.

Wilson. Wilson.

Go home.

Get a job, or you
don't eat here anymore.

A job! Hey, hey, hey.

What am I, nuts?
That's a great idea.

I'm gonna go get a job;
then I'll come back here

and get something to eat.

You see, Al?

You just gotta be
stern with the boy.

You know, these kids today,
they get all these crazy ideas

in their head.

Eh-eh-eh-eh-oh.

You know, Al, what
I'm in the mood for?

What is that, Rich?

I am in the mood for a
great big tossed salad.

Oh, yeah, that sounds good.

Yeah, me too.

I don't feel like
preparin' one, though.

Well, that's the
thing, you know.

Preparin' a salad is just
such a pain in the ass to do.

Right in the ass,
right in the ass.

Tony award winner
Steven Carlysle

in his acclaimed one-man show:

Welcome to Jurassic Park.

All the excitement of
the largest grossing movie

of all time, brought to life

by a shining star of
the American stage.

Damn it! Can't you see?

Without memory,

I can't get Jurassic
Park back online!

Plus seven new songs

by Grammy winner
Terence Donahue.

♪ This is a crazy island ♪

♪ with dinosaurs everywhere. ♪

♪ I wish I never came here. ♪

♪ They're really
getting in my hair. ♪

Tim! Lex!

R-r-r-run!

R-r-r-run!

This vacation,

I will wear a bikini everywhere.

I will be drunk
before 10:00 a.m.

I will use my charm to
seduce a hand puppet.

I will pretend I am a priest

and expose myself

to donkeys.

I will make love to a clown.

I will send postcards

to my socks.

I will break bottles

with my ass.

I will be assassinated
by monkeys.

Things are a little
different out here.

Maybe I should just stay home.

B-3?

That's a hit.

It's my destroyer.

Well, you know the rules.

Yep.

You know, this...

This game'd be a
lot more fun if I had

any desire at all
to see you naked.

Yep.

Ditto.

Uh, D-2.

That's a hit. That's a hit.

Good afternoon,
sir. Good afternoon.

How can I help you today?

I'd like some
copies, please. Okay.

Gimme all the money
in your cash register!

Gimme all the money
in your cash register!

What is this, a joke?

What is this, a joke?

I'm serious, man. I'll
do it! I'm serious, man.

I'll do it! What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, I see. Oh, I see.

Oh, that's very funny.
Oh, that's very funny.

Do you realize I'm crazy?

I got nothin' to lose!

There's a gun in here,

and I might lose it.

Ah!

You, sh! No, not me, you.

Not me, you. No, sh, sh.

No. No. Ngyah.
Ngyah. Ngyah. Ngyah.

Ah!

Very good, sir.
That'll be $3.14.

You know what? Make it $3.

Those last couple of copies
weren't even full sentences.

I'm not gonna pay you for that.

Oh-ho-ho.

Well, we don't give
out freebies here, sir.

Officer!

What's goin' on in here?

What's goin' on in here?

Ha-ha.

Nah, that one's on me, Jack.

Ah, thank you, Charlie.

So what seems to be the problem?

Oh, well, I gave this
guy a bunch of copies,

and he refuses
to pay me for 'em.

I need to get a
three-color copy, please.

Certainly, sir. Jerry!

Can I help you?

Have you seen my doggie?

His name is Rupert.
His name is Rupert.

And he's brown. And he's brown.

And he's got big fluffy ears.

That's perfect. Thanks
very much. Thank you, sir.

Have a very good
day. Now, Jack...

Jack, this guy
refused to pay me.

I'm about to get
my afternoon rush.

Pay the man, or I'm
taking you downtown.

All right, here's
your three bucks.

I'll be back. C'mon.

All right. Here
they come. Jerry!

I need you out here ASAP!

Come on, Jerry. Let's go!

Notice to tenants:

It's too loud. It's too
much! It's too much!

I don't want to sound
like an idiot, but...

I don't want to sound
like an idiot, but...

Doh-duh-doh-duh-doh-duh.

Hi, how ya doin'? And now...

And now...

The world's greatest
animal trainer,

Gunther Gable Williams!

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi! Taxi!

Oh!

♪ Beer, beer, beer, ♪

♪ diddle-dee beer, beer, beer. ♪

You!

Do you see this?

Ow.

Gimme 600 of those.

And you!

♪ Beer, beer, beer, beer... ♪

♪ Diddle-dee beer,
beer, beer, beer. ♪

So...

what do you feel like doing now?

I don't know.

I was sort of thinking
about putting my pants on.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Me too. Me too.

Yeah.

Th... this was maybe a bad idea.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, at
the Hall of Justice.

Superman, it's Flash.

Ngah.

Fire... kids... hurry.

Ah.

Can I get you some water?

Please.

Good, Flash is already here.

You all know what to do. No!

Well, the volcano's
exploded. We've got to act fast.

Right, Batman, Robin,
you find some way

to block future transmissions.

Wonder Woman,
you stop Dr. Spiker

and find out what he knows.

Flash, you run to
the Andes Mountains

and get those plans.

I'll go stop the missiles that
have already been launched.

Aquaman, you go...

talk to some fish.

Right!

Let's go!

Taxi!

Meanwhile, on the
other side of town,

unbeknownst to the SuperFriends,

a very pleasant dinner
party was well under way.

Taxi, please.

Oh, thank you both so
much for finally having us over

to your new place.

Well, we are so happy
you could be here.

I'm going to the kitchen;

would anybody
like anything else?

Yeah, yeah, can I get some
more of this neon blue...

I think it's meat? Sure, Bob.

What is it? It's terrific.

Isn't it?

We'd never had any
until we moved to the area,

but now we are hooked.

Is it fish?

No, it's Muppet.

I'll be darned.

I didn't know you
could eat Muppet.

It was Steve's idea.

We backed over one
our first night here.

Yeah, the little guy was
learning his numbers

off the license plate,
and it seemed like a waste

to bury it, so I said,
"Hey, let's fry it up."

Waste not want not,
right, Steve? That's right.

Bob, that's awful,
eating run-over Muppets.

Oh, no, we didn't
run over this one.

Steve's become quite the hunter,
haven't you, sweetie? Honey.

Why don't you
show 'em? All right.

Come on, Steve. Talk
is cheap. Whaddya got?

You're gonna love it.

I sure could use some
help counting to four!

Hm, well, we can start

by counting the
legs on our table.

Woahh!

Oh, no.

Now we'll never know how
many legs the table has.

Bob! You still got it.

Hey, they've got a
lot of meat on 'em.

Oh, but that's a green one.

Try for a blue one, Steve.
We only have red wine.

Ooh, ooh, can I try?
Would that be okay?

Sure, yeah.

I want to give it a shot.

Uh, gee,

the bus station is far!

I wonder what's near?

Near.

Show us far.

Far.

Yikes.

I was full anyway.

Why don't you take
one home as a pet?

Your kids will love it.

Okay.

Boy, I sure do wish I
knew how to tie my shoes!

I may trip!

I wonder what words
start with the letter O?

I wonder.

Well, let's sing
the O song then,

and I think it'll help
you tie your shoes too.

♪ Did you know ♪

♪ that I love that letter O? ♪

I'm not taking that
home to my son,

'cause I'll end up
cleaning up after it.

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Let's sing a song
about Oregon. ♪

♪ Ho. Ho... ♪
Ah!

Stay for dessert?

Sure, always have room for that.

Hi. We're The State.

You know, we've received
a lot of reviews of our show,

some good, some bad,

but here's two that we'd like
to share with you right now.

This is from the
Chicago Sun-Times,

who gave us three stars.

"MTV's The State slices
and dices hypocrisy."

Mmm. Mmm.

And this is from
the New York Post,

who gave us a
negative two stars,

which is two stars
less than no stars at all.

"There seems to be
a consensus fixation

on penises and
nascent Peter Pan-ism."

I don't know.

Anyway, we've
realized that, you know,

different people like or dislike
the show for different reasons,

so tonight we thought
it'd be a great idea

if we were all
things to all people.

Enjoy.

So Winston Churchill, when
he was the prime minister,

was at a dinner party...

And Churchill turns
to her, and he says,

"Madam, would you
have intercourse with me

for £100,000?"

And the young lady
says, "Why, yes..."

"Would you have
intercourse with me for £10?"

And the lady says,
"Why, Mr. Churchill,

what do you think I am?"

And Churchill says, "We've
already determined that.

Now we're just trying
to decide on a price."

Some sketches on The State

were shot in front of
a live studio audience.