The State (1993–2009): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



Welcome back to My Match.

After round one,

Jerry's in the lead.

He's got Timmy, Suzie,
Ramón, Vanessa, and Carlo.

And Susan is right behind

with Amy, Shelly,
Tom, and Danny.

So, Jerry, you're a computer
programmer from Boston.

How do you like Beantown?

Um, when I came on the
show, I was under the impression

that you could win
prizes or money,

not orphaned children.

Oops.

Looks like somebody
didn't read the fine print.

Susan, you're a
computer programmer also.



I have a very small apartment.

I don't know what I would
do with four foster children.

Well, figure it out,

because you're
their legal guardian,

and it's time for round two,
where the orphan points double.

Okay, the first question is,

Mick Jagger is the lead
singer of the Rolling...

ding!

Jerry.

Bears.

The Rolling Bears.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.
That's incorrect.

The correct answer is
"Stones," the Rolling Stones.

So, Susan, you win that round,

and here are Matt and Timmy.

I-I-I didn't say anything.

I mean, I didn't answer.
You must have...

A smart move.

The wrong answer could
have cost you the lead.

Hey, that bell means it's time

for our double dare question.

Jerry, how many of your
orphans are you willing to wager?

A-a-all of them.

Hey, looks like Jerry's
looking to double his orphans.

Susan, how many will you bet?

Well, all of them.

Well, it looks like it's
make it or break it time

for our contestants.

Okay.

Jerry's behind,

so he gets the first question.

And the question is,

name a form of transportation.

Ding! Jerry.

Blue.

Oh, Jerry, I am so sorry.

Blue is not a form
of transportation.

And that will cost
you your orphans.

Oh, so close, Jerry.

So close.

Susan, now's your
chance to win it all.

Name a form of transportation.

Ding!

Susan.

Wooden?

Hmm, can we accept "wooden"?

You can make a car out of wood.

Boats are w...

Boats are wood! Yes!

Susan, you doubled your orphans.

Well, I mean...

That's not fair.

I mean, a car could be blue.

Hold the phone.

A car could be b...

A car could be blue!

Yes!

You both doubled your orphans.

You both won!

You'll both be back tomorrow.

Good night, folks.

Some members of
the studio audience

will also receive orphans.

Runners-up will
receive a year's supply

of Crambo's home-style gruel
with the taste orphans love,

brought to you by the makers

of Crambo's cafeteria-style
potato chowder.

This potato chowder is terrible.

Really? I think it's okay.

No, it's not as good

as my grandma's potato chowder.

Yeah, man?

You like eating your
grandma's potato chowder?

Yeah, it's delicious.
It's really good.

Yeah, you like going home
to your grandma's house

and sucking up some
some of her potato chowder?

I only go over there,
like, once a year,

but we have it every time.

Sure, man, you go over there
once a year, and you slurp

on some of your grandma's
creamy potato chowder.

Yeah, it's the best
I've ever had, actually.

Yeah, I bet it is.

You like to go over to
your grandma's house

and chow down on
some of her potatoes?

Hey, man. Hey, man.

Do you mash your
grandma's potato

and then eat it?

Oh, no, well, it's
potato chowder.

It's not mashed potatoes.

You see, it's pureed.

It's like a soup.

Oh, I bet it's like...

Wait a second.

Hey, man, do you like eating
your grandma's potato chowder

with bread so that you
can sop up the broth?

Yes.

You like going over
to your grandma's

and sucking up some of
her steamy, creamy chowder.

Hey, man, do you
give her some pepper

to spice it up?

Hey, man. Hey, man.

When it's hot,

do you blow on it?

Hey, man, are you guys okay?

Man, what's going on?

You're eating your
grandma's soup.

That's what's going on.

You guys. Hey, listen.

You guys. You guys. You guys.

Hey, chill. Hey.

Hey, listen. Listen.

Yes, I go to my
grandma's and eat soup,

and yes, then I
have sex with her.

I mean, if that's what
you're insinuating,

then I'll just have to
admit it, because it's true.

I have sex with my grandma.

But when you eat the soup,

do you stick your
whole face in the bowl?

Things sizzle late night on
crime time after prime time

with Hot Pursuits.

Up against the car.

Lady's choice.

You know the position.

I know a few.

You've got some mouth.

That's what they tell me.

The Sun goes down,

but it just gets
hotter and hotter.

Will the defendant please
approach the bench?

Anything for you.

Are you aware of the seriousness

of the charges being
brought against you?

I'm aware of my pants.

How do you plead?

On my hands and knees.

Care to join me?

Oh.

The humidity's rising,

and I'm not talking
about the weather...

Court's adjourned.

If you know what I mean.

Turn around, buddy.

You see something you like?

You're gonna fry.

Oh, yeah?

The heat is on, and I
don't mean the radiator.

I'm talking about sex.

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Ashtray mouth, iron lung,

chimney breath, tar-sucking,
tobacco-feasting...

Lung-infested,
yellow-fingered...

Scuse me.

Toprol-using,
emphysema-loving...

These are not
nice names, people.

Free your mind, everybody.

Smokers are people too.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

I really didn't
think it mattered

who your high school
guidance counselor was.

That was before I met James.

Yeah.

He's the best.

Most people live
under the misconception

that high school is supposed
to take "four years," right?

I've gotten kids out in two.

I got one kid out in a semester.

You know it's all
about finessing,

greasing the wheel.

♪ I've got the power. ♪

No, no, no.

No, you listen to me, coach.

You listen to me.

I got a note here signed
by two medical doctors

that says that Bobby
is allergic to chlorine.

If you put it in the
pool, it'll kill him.

Let's see if he calls my bluff.

I been with all the
biggest talent agencies.

I was with the
William Morris Agency.

I was with ICM.

I was with the
Creative Artists Agency.

And now I'm here
at Westbury High.

I asked James if he
would write my term paper,

and he didn't do it,

but he got the guy who
wrote Witness to do it.

I got an A.

70% of the kids I represent
go on to the Ivy League.

And these are
B-minus, C-plus kids

with little or no
extracurricular activity,

some with criminal records.

You know, nothing bad.

Nobody killed
anybody or anything.

Actually, that's not
true. Wait a second.

I got expelled for
knifing a teacher.

James couldn't get
me back into school,

but he sold my
story to Paramount,

so now I'm set for life.

And if you think that French

is gonna improve
his pole vaulting,

I just wanna know one thing.

Where do you get your crack?

I play hardball,

but if you scratch my
back, I scratch yours.

One hand washes the other.

Look, you can tell

the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology

to kiss my ass.

Look, you've ruined my melon.

Bottom line, at
the end of the day,

it's not about the money,
and it's not about me.

It's about the kids.

The kids whose last names
start with A through M,

Aaronsburg through Menendez.

And now from the
people who brought you

the James Dixon sketch,

it's Attack of
the Killer Robots.

Um, we don't have
any killer robots.

What's that? Oh, okay.

Well, then we're
proud to present to you

Attack of the Friendly Robots.

Um, we don't have any
friendly robots either.

What, no robots at all?

None.

All right, well, then it's
Attack of the Little Girl

Sitting Under a
Tree Writing a Letter.

"To Cindy Crawford,
care of House of Style.

"Dear Cindy, I watch you
every day on House of Style.

"You always look so perfect:
happy, healthy, beautiful.

"I'm just entering my
awkward teenage years,

"and I look and smell awful.

"Don't you ever
have bad hair days

"or fat days or anything?

"Please tell me that you do.

Signed, Molly Fritzler."

"No, Molly.

"I don't always look and feel
as glamorous as I do on the TV.

"I have fat days, frizzy
hair days, grumpy days,

"and more often than not,

"I have days when I look like

"a frumpy, hairy Jewish
man in his mid-30s,

"under five feet tall
and slightly balding.

"Keep watching the show.

Love, Cindy Crawford."

Maybe I'm old-fashioned,

but I think we should
worship the Sun and Moon

as powerful gods...
and fear them.

If you could reschedule... yeah.

All of these?

It's fine. Just reschedule.

Okay, Dave, thanks a
lot, but I'm kind of busy.

Mike, I think it looks great.

Thanks so much.

Hi, there.

I'm an on-air personality.

Recently, I was invited to
attend a youth conference

in Takoma, Washington.

You think I scored?

You bet I did.

First of all, I'm not
a bad-looking guy.

Second, I'm pretty famous.

Third and most importantly,

I'll have sex with
just about anybody.

Couple of pointers
for when you're looking

to dip your wick.

First off, drink up.

Everybody looks a lot better
after a couple of cocktails.

And nothing works better
for loosening up lips or legs

than a few well-timed
Harvey Wallbangers.

Second... and this may
or may not apply to you...

Talk about your TV show.

And finally, afterwards,

when she's done
toweling you off,

don't give her your
real phone number.

I like to use the number
of an Arby's in New Jersey.

But you don't have
to use an Arby's.

It's just something
I like to do.

So what's the point?

Anybody can score.

Just keep your spirits high
and your standards low.

I'm an on-air personality.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

The table is set for MTV's
contest of the decade,

Lunch with The State.

You can have lunch with MTV's
coolest comedy group in person.

This may be the easiest
contest in the history of MTV.

We pick the restaurant.

We pick the day.

All you do is agree to pay

the full cost of a
meal plus drinks

for yourself and the 11
members of The State.

Could I have another
cognac, please?

Odds of winning are one in one.

That's right, if you
pick up the tab,

you win lunch with The State.

Waiter, can I get
one more of these?

Okay, guys, I just want to
say this was the greatest day.

Wow.

Cheers.

Sir, cash or charge?

A high school cheerleader

should be wholesome
and vivacious,

and she should inspire
pride and school spirit.

Her cheers certainly
are... interesting?

♪ Mom and Dad. ♪

The homecoming cheer, it, uh...

it changed my life.

And Missy von Kimmelman
does all of these things,

sort of.

♪ Oh, Superman. ♪

Rah. Go. Team.

She's a weirdo.

We're afraid of her.

Be aggressive. B-E aggressive.

Be aggressive. B-E aggressive.

You want to know what I think?

I'll tell you what I think.

I think they should get a
new cheerleader, okay?

I think it's disgraceful, okay?

Now, get in the car.

Get in the car.

I don't know if she
boosts morale so much,

but she really, uh...

She really freaks
out the visiting team.

Achtung!

Der streit ist verloren.

Der streit ist verloren.

Ah!

Dobson, Reynolds, go on in.

No, absolutely not.

No, sir.

I never miss a game.

Touchdown Cougars.

Oh, all right!

I know that her homecoming piece

offended some
staunch animal lovers.

♪ ♪

But she gets her point across.

And she... she's really
created quite a stir

in the performance
art community.

We got spirit, yes we do.

I don't know.

I think maybe she's screwy.

Like, screwy, you know?

Maybe I'm old-fashioned,
but women voters?

Welcome to planet Mars.

I'll be over in my spaceship.

What a delightful
reception, Prime Minister.

I'm so happy all these important
ambassadors could be here.

All right!

Everyone put your
hands on your head.

Ve are the Flemish
Independence Coalition.

Froehlich, are all the guests
present and accounted for?

All except one.

Who is this missing guest?

Some man named... Louie.

And now Louie,

the guy who comes in
and says his catchphrase

over and over again.

Hey, everybody!

Hey, Louie!

Hey, who's got
something to drink?

I do.

It's over there. What is it?

It's a martini. A martini?

Hey, I wanna dip my balls in it.

Hey, what you got there?

It's an M16. What
do you want wiz it?

What do I want with it?

I wanna dip my balls in it.

Very infectious and
amusing, this Louie character.

Who's got some deviled eggs?

I do.

I wanna dip my balls in it.

Monogrammed silk handkerchief.

I would like to
dip my balls in it.

Yeah!

Silence!

Louie.

A hand grenade?

Aw, hell, who gives a damn?

I wanna dip my balls in it.

Yay!

Top secret documents?

I wanna file them!

Yay!

Oh.

Louie.

You've heard it all before.

No, we haven't.

You've heard it all before.

No, ve haven't.

You've heard it all before!

No, we haven't!

Say the catchphrase,
or the prime minister dies.

Don't say it on
my account, Louie.

I'm sorry.

I can't say it.

I did somezing wrong.

Louie.

Louie. Louie.

Louie. Louie.

Louie! Louie!

Hey!

Everybody!

I wanna dip my balls in it!

To dip or not to dip,
that is the question.

And the answer is, to dip!

We must dip!

Everybody, dip your balls in it.

See how it feels.
See what it's like.