The State (1993–2009): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

Mom! Mommy!

What is it, sweetheart?

There's a bogeyman
under the bed.

Oh, now, Billy, aren't
you a little old for this?

I can't help it, Mommy.

Can't you just check, please?

No.

Now, I want you to go to sleep.

Mom, just once, please?

Okay. Okay.



Okay. Okay.

Dad! Daddy!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

My name is Captain
Monterey Jack.



And I'm not "tripping" here,

but that's exactly what
you folks will be doing

if you don't tie your shoes.

Now, maybe your
friends think you're square

if you tie your shoes.

You know, square?

I got a square head, you know?

Three things that are square:
cheese, plates, and bears.

This isn't a game here, okay?

This isn't the NBA,

and my name isn't
Charles Buckley.

Hey, your shoes are time
bombs waiting to explode.

Boom! Boom! Boom!
Shaking the room.

Let's take some Q&A.

Um, what if my shoelace
breaks and I can't tie my shoes?

Hey, what if my nose
falls off and I can't smell?

What if my pants fall off

and everybody's
looking at my wiener?

You deal, or you die.

By the way, your shoe's untied.

Made you look.

You have to know.
You understand me?

You have to always be aware.

I love you, Captain
Monterey Jack.

All right. I'm not
that crazy about you.

Okay.

I'm Doug.

I think tying
shoes is for sissies.

Hey, Doug, if I want to hear

foul language, I'll go home;

I'll turn on Marky Mark
and the funny bunch.

I don't need to listen
to your smart mouth.

You understand? Yeah.

And shoe tying is
not for sissies, okay?

But wearing glasses is,

so that guy's a sissy.

Well, I got to go, guys,
but remember this:

you can walk a mile
in a man's shoes,

but to get inside his head,

you'd have to get really
small and crawl up his nose.

I'm Captain Monterey
Jack. Thanks for your time.

Ignore me.

Ignore me. I'm fine.

Ignore me.

Nothing to see here.

Just step aside, everyone.

Just move along.

Hey, I'm running
out of pies here.

Can I get some
more pies, please?

Oh, my goodness.

Could someone pass
the gravy, please?

So she says,

"They fired you for
sticking your willy

in the pickle cutter?"

And the husband says,

"Yeah, and they fired her too."

That's great,

but, Grandpa, could
you pass the gravy?

Somebody should wash
your mouth out with soap, Dad.

There's not soap clean enough
to wash his mouth out with.

Would someone please
pass the gravy, please?

She was the pickle cutter.

Yes, we all know.

Gravy! The gravy!

These two bald guys walk into...

All right, everybody,

shut up!

Someone pass the
gravy, or little sister here

gets a four-prong lobotomy.

Put that ladle down, Pops.

Put it down.

Charlie, this is

your mother speaking.

You don't want
to do this, Charlie.

Listen to me.

Take the fork away
from your sister's head.

Son, don't be stupid.

I'm not being stupid, Dad!

Ow!

Gravy! Please! Now!

Charlie, I'm reaching
for the gravy.

Don't give him the gravy.

Slowly. Slowly, Ma.

Let me see

that other hand, Ma.

Damn it, no!

He'll never learn that way!

All right, Phildo, I think
you're being a little crazy.

Daddy, don't interfere!

All right, Phil, stop playing
dangerous fork games

with my daughter.

Okay, Charlie, are
you happy now?

You think this is what
the pilgrims meant

by Thanksgiving?

I just wanted the gravy, Pops,

just the gravy.

Attention: the
house is surrounded.

Drop the forks. I
repeat, drop the forks.

Son, do what the man
surrounding the house

says to do.

Okay, Pops, nice and slow.

Nice and slow. Bring it down.

Okay, Junior, think
about your future.

You're making a big mistake.

Bring it down nice and slow.

Okay, Grandma,

these are your golden
years; don't spoil them.

Okay, you got me.

You got me.

But you'll never take me alive!

Well, it looks like
your grandmother's

off to her secret lair again.

Oh, Grandma.

Hey, it's MTV Sports, dudes.

It's sports, and it's
on MTV, and it's...

MTV Sports.

Huh?

Hey, so, we're
talking golf today.

Golf!

♪ Golf, golf, golf is a game. ♪

♪ Golf is a game
that you play. ♪

And today we're
at the country club

here at Pinedale.

So this is a nice country club.

Club?

We got two of the best
golfers in the Pinegrove...

Wh... Jesus Chri...

What the hell is
this doing here?

We're gonna be going
through 18 holes of golf

with my good buddies here.

What's your name, dude?

Frank Sinatra. Leave
us the hell alone, please.

So, Jack, this thing
you got right here...

Whoa, whoa. Oh, I'm sorry.

Ah-ha-ha!

Hey, hey, chicken imitation.

Ba-gawk!

Whoa, dude you
got to be careful.

This almost went in that hole.

Aren't I cute?

I don't know what
chemical he's on.

Hey, head butt!

I'm seeing stars myself.

I'm seeing stars.

Will you just leave
us the hell alone

and let us play some golf?

I can't even see you.

What are you talking about?

I love myself.

Hey, can you seen my molars?

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

You know, when I get home
from a tough day at work,

I like to crack open
a nice cold one.

When I get a hankerin'
for something to eat,

I like to break
open a bag of chips.

When I get caught
in a beaver trap,

I like to go...

When I walk in on my mom
in bed with Uncle Robert,

I kind of like to go...

"What... what's going on here?"

And when I've had seven
gin and tonics, I like to go...

Did I ever tell anyone here
they sometimes call me Dr. Love?

Chips.

Isn't it time you
broke open a bag?

What are you look...

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Morning, class.

My name is Ms. Jones,

and welcome to the tenth grade.

I'm going to be taking role now,

so please answer "here"
when your name is called.

Oh, and we have a
foreign exchange student

with us this year.

I apologize for my lateness.

There was some
trouble at the embassy.

Ah.

You must be Rebecca.

Ms. Jones.

Oh, my, your hands,
they are so soft,

like baby hands.

Sit down, lover boy.

♪ You're so tasty. ♪

She fell down a tree
and busted her knee.

Dum-diddy dum-diddy
dee. Go, Wildcats.

Go, Wildcats.

My poem is entitled
Venetian Rendezvous.

The twisting of flesh
under pale fingers.

Breasts pushed softly
into morning's quiet.

The heavy pounding
moment of solitude

embraced and set aside,

not forgotten

but adapted in memory's eye

by the quiet alchemy

of time.

Grazie.

Thank you, Antonio.

The staff at my father's villa,
they call me by my first name...

104, 105...

And so should you.

So tell me.

What do you know of this
enchantress, Ms. Jones?

♪ You're so tasty, so
deliciously wicked. ♪

Go, Wildcats!

♪ ♪

♪ Is this really something ♪

♪ that I want, ♪

♪ that I feel? ♪

♪ Do I need ♪

♪ to tell myself it's nothing? ♪

♪ Do I lie, ♪

♪ or am I falling
into something... ♪

Ms. Jones,

I must return in the morning.

Don't.

Don't spoil it.

I'll never forget you, Antonio.

Nor I you.

I will often think of you
when I am in less than pants.

No.

Antonio!

Hey, guys.

What's up?

How you guys doing?

Good to see you.
Welcome, freshmen.

How you doing?
My name is Mitchell.

I'm your freshman
orientation leader.

Welcome, everybody.

This is Tanya.

And I just want to say, you
know, it is so tremendous

that you guys
are all finally here.

It's gonna be a
tremendous year, you guys,

but there are some guidelines
that you have to follow, okay?

Yeah, okay, first off, okay,

there is no smoking
in the dorms.

This is a nonsmoking dorm, okay?

Last year, somebody
was smoking in their room.

And there was a fire.

And this is the result, okay?

I now have tape
all over my face.

Uncool.

Really uncool, guys.

Okay, another thing is drinking.

Yeah, there is no
drinking in the dorms at all.

Okay, last year, somebody
was drinking in their room.

Things got out of
hand, out of control.

I happened to be there,

and now I have
tape all over my face.

It's really uncool.
It's really uncool.

You know, everybody
comes to college, you know,

and they think, "It
can't happen to me."

But let me tell you something.

It can, and it does,

and I'm a living
example of that.

It's uncool. But we don't want

to bring you guys
down at all, okay?

So let's talk about
the cool activities

we have planned for this year.

Yeah, and here to do that
is a good buddy of mine.

He's the president
of the student council.

It's Glen. Hey, everybody.

Hey, Glen.

Hey.

Hey, you guys,
listen to this, okay?

College is a tremendous place

to hang out and
make friends, okay?

We've got some
tremendous activities planned

for you guys this year.

We've got a great
band, Fishbone.

These guys have
not sold out at all.

They're tremendous.

They are tremendous, okay?

Listen, um, here's the deal.

Dancing, okay?

Don't get out of
hand, 'cause last year,

I was in the mosh pit.

Things got a little rough.

Now I have tape all
over my face, okay?

Listen, I'm available 24-7

if you guys want to talk.

Thanks, Glen. That
was tremendous.

Okay, so that's pretty
much everything,

unless somebody has
a question... yeah, dude.

Yeah, why do you guys
have tape all over your face?

Hey, shut up!

That's really uncool.

We have to live like this, okay?

Okay, I don't mean to be uncool,

but how exactly does
drinking or smoking or dancing

cause you to get
tape all over your face?

Okay, we got to go, dudes.

You guys have been tremendous.

We got karaoke
night over in the lodge

and all those cool things.

See you later, dudes.

Tape face.

Sticky face.

"Guy with tape
on his face" face.

Scotch face.

"Hey, look at the guy
with tape on his face" face.

I heard 'em all, and it hurts.

Not the tape but the names.

Free your mind.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Yeah, Johnny!

Johnny!

All right, everybody.

Settle down. Settle down.

Get in your chairs.

Hey, in your seat, hotshot.

All right, this class is
called sexual education.

I'll be your instructor.

My name is Mr. Magina.

♪ ♪

Yes?

Could you spell that, please?

Of course. Sure.

That's, uh, "Mr."

You all know "Mr.," right?"

Uh, "Magina,"

M-A-G-I-N-A.

Magina.

And your sex ed
teacher, Mr. Magina.

♪ ♪

Okay, so today
we're going to learn

about the female sex
organ, which is called the...

vagina.

Uh, Mr. Magina,

you're acting really weird.

Are you baked?

Well, no, thank you.

I'm not baked.

It's just that,
well, oftentimes,

on the first day of class,

when I introduce
myself as Mr. Magina,

the students get
a little bit rowdy,

because, you know, "Magina,"

it sounds a little bit
like, uh, you know...

Like what?

Well, you know, "Magina."

No. Like what?

Like "vagina."

You know, Magina, vagina.

Magina, vagina,
that whole thing.

So...

Hey, he's right.

Magina, vagina.

Oh, I never would
have thought of that.

Like he's a vagina.

Oh, Mr. Magina, you're crying.

Here, have some
nice chicken soup.

Oh, thank you.

Do you have any crackers?

Crackers?

You ungrateful bastard!

Crackers? To hell with you!

Sally,

why aren't you dressed yet?

The Crackers are going
to be here any minute.

The Crackers are coming?

I told you yesterday the
Crackers were coming.

Joey's going to be there.

I hate Joey Cracker.

I hate all the Crackers.

Oh, that must be them now.

Now, Sally, go upstairs
and put on something

that shows off your cleavage.

Mom!

Sam, Lily!

Hello, Bill.

Hi, Joanne. Good to see you.

Missed you.

Say, where's Joey?

Sally's been looking
forward to seeing him all day.

We just left
something in the car.

Joey just went to fetch it.

I got the saltines, Dad.

Joseph Jonathan Cracker,
where are your manners?

First of all, you
don't go barging

into other people's homes.

Second and more importantly,

you don't start
in on the saltines

until you've offered others.

Now, Bill and Joanne,
would you care for a saltine?

No, thank you, Joey.

I'll have one.

Hey, where's Sally?

Sally!

Ooh!

Joey, doesn't Sally look pretty?

I'll say!

Aw.

Let's all get comfy.

Yeah, why don't we?

Come on, Sal,
let's sit down now.

Ow.

So, Sam, how was your drive out?

Sam, Bill tells me you've
been working on your new book.

What's it all about?

Well, it's got suspense,
action, and a touch of the erotic.

A touch of the erotic?

Sam, how much is a touch?

Say, Lilith, why don't you do

one of your fabulous bird calls?

Oh, hey, do one
of your bird calls.

Don't make me beg.

I'll beg. I will beg.

Cuckoo!

Aw!

Reminds me of college

on the Potomac.

Wasn't that wonderful, Sally?

I think it was disgusting.

Sally!

I can't even help
it. They're pigs!

They can't even
talk, they're such pigs.

And they ruined my
dress and my hair.

I hate the Crackers.

I hate all the Crackers,

especially you, Joey Cracker.

I think we should go.

Don't be ridiculous.
Pay no attention to her.

She's upset because she's
gaining so much weight!

Bill.

No, no, no.

Don't be ridiculous.
You got to stay.

Joanne's made a terrific dinner.

I did.

Well, all right. What is it?

Butter.