The State (1993–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

Before I found Fluffy Soft,

my clothes weren't half
as soft as they are now.

Because Fluffy Soft...

Ow-ooh-ooh!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Come on!

Let's go! Let's fight!

I-I'm sorry. Ve,
uh... we don't fight.

What do you mean
you don't fight?

Come on, let's go!

Uh, no, no. Ve're Amish.

It's against our religion
and culture to fight.



Well, we came here to fight!

Hey, you wanna fight?

Come on, bad boys,

fight this!

Come on!

I'm sorry.

Sorry about the
mix-up over there.

Come on!

♪ ♪

Uh, "Things that you
wear around your waist."

Congratulations, guys.

Our next contestants

have come all the way
from London, England.

She's either from
New York or L.A.

She can't remember,
and her hobbies include

sleeping, eating, and
heavy-duty narcotics.

And he's from London,

and when we asked
him his interests,

he didn't really
understand the question.

Well, let's have a big welcome

for Sid Vicious and
Nancy Spungen.

Ow, that in' hurt.

Get off the floor, Sidney.

So, Nancy, why don't you tell us

a little something
about yourself?

Um... well, last night,
I had this dream.

We had this puppy dog.

And we loved him so
much that we ate him.

And, Sidney, how are you doing?

Oh, just drank half
a bottle of vodka,

and I'm about to puke.

Well, you both know the rules,

and Nancy decided that
she would give the clues first

because she can
read a little better.

Ready to go?

Are you ready, Sid?

Yes.

I love you, Nancy.

I love you too, Sid.

The clue is "Things that kill."

Okay, knife.

Things you do to
people you love.

Things used in foreplay.

Um, Nazis.

People who dress cool.

Oh, I know, Sid, love.

Things that kill.

Right!

The clue is "Things
people do on heroin."

♪ ♪

Oh, this is an easy one, Sid.

Eating, sleeping, ing,

everything.

Things people do on heroin.

Yes!

And now, Sidney, it'll be
your turn to give the clues.

I'm a whale.

Did you get it? I was a whale.

The clue is "Things
found in a doctor's office."

♪ ♪

Oh, this is easy!

Things found in doctor's office.

Toothbrush, hairbrush...

No, I've got it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It looks like Sidney did
not understand the rules

quite as well as we thought.

That makes more sense.

But what's worked out.
You got it now, Sidney?

"You got it now, Sidney?"

Honey, you're such a spaz.

I'm a spaz.

Ow.

The clue is "Lyrics
to Sex Pistols songs."

♪ ♪

Come on, Sidney.

You promised we were gonna win.

He promised

we were gonna win.

Ironic, isn't it?

Me, Sid Vicious, a Sex Pistol,

unable to remember
my own lyrics.

I don't blame my parents

or the British public
school system,

merely drugs, alcohol,
and economic oppression.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I still believe there's
only one true God.

And he lives in this lake.

And his name is Zorgo.

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Duhr, duhr der-der-der.

Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh,
duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh!

Duh, duh, duh!

Duh-aayyyy!

Duh-duh-fa-didda-didda,
fa-fum-duddup-dah?

I almo-didn't
duh-fa-duh, duh-duh-fa.

Duh, duh, duh.

Duh-deh, dah-duh, deh-duh-duh.

Duh-duh-fuda-fuda duh-dee.

Duh, duh, duh.

Duh-duh duh duh-deh
dah-dun deh-duh

Oh, damn it.

Look at this.

This was a good loaf of bread.

Do you have mice?

No, it's not mice.

Do you have rats?

No, it's not rats.

Well, then what is it?

It's Slash. Slash?

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

There he is! I
see him! I see him!

Get a broom!

Get the neighbor's dog.

Get him! I'm getting him!

♪ ♪

Oh.

Did you get him?

No, he went in a hole.

♪ ♪

Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

♪ ♪

What do we do now?

We wait.

Oh.

Snap!

Yes!

Score!

You think you can
just eat my food forever!

You jerk! You little rat!

You put my friend through hell!

Sarah, what is this itching?

Now we have fleas.

♪ ♪

Doug, would you come
down here a minute?

Hey, you guys, I need
to go talk to my dad.

Um, Dad, you
wanted to talk to me?

Yeah, come on in here, Doug.

Doug, I found
these in your drawer.

What are they, son?

They're prophos.

I know that, Doug.
Why do you have 'em?

They're for my penis, Dad.

I stick 'em on my dinkus
when I wanna have sex.

Forget it. You
wouldn't understand.

I'm outta here.

No, no, Doug, Doug, Doug.

Doug, I'm proud of you
for protecting yourself.

I just think we
should talk. That's all.

Oh, yeah? And then what, Dad?

What are you gonna do,

send me up to my room
and take away my music?

I'm Doug,

and I can't be locked in a
cage like some sort of manimal.

Forget it. I'm outta here.

No, no, Doug, Doug, Doug.

I was going to suggest
that you invite Karen

back to the house tonight
so your mother and I

don't have to worry
about where you are.

Oh, yeah, sure, Dad,
like that's the easy solution

that's gonna bridge
the generation gap

between you and me.

I'm Doug, and I'm not
gonna stop having sex

in the parking lot
behind the supermarket

just 'cause you said I
could do it in my own bed.

Forget it. I'm outta
hhheee-heere.

Doug, Doug, I'm just
trying to understand.

Well, understand this, Dad.

I'm Doug,

solamente Doug.

Doug...

your mother and I
think you're on drugs.

Drugs?

Hey, I'm Doug,
man, not Bob Dylan.

Doug, do you even
know who Bob Dylan is?

No.

But I know he died of drugs.

Doug, Bob Dylan's
alive and well.

I produced his
last three albums.

Oh, you mean Uncle Robert?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he didn't die of drugs.

No.

Doug, are these your cigarettes?

Yeah, and what if they are?

Are you gonna send me

out to Grandma's house

so that teach me pinochle
and make me bland?

No, can I bum one?

Oh, yeah, sure, go
ahead. No, Dad, no!

Like... like bumming
a smoke from Doug

is gonna make things
copasetic twixt me and you.

I'm Doug, and you're Dad.

Teens and 'dults don't mix.

Forget it. I'm outta...

I'm outta h-heeere.

Doug, what is your problem?

I don't have a problem!
That's my problem!

You're too cool, Dad,
and it makes me sick.

You want me to sell my hog
and quit the Hell's Angels?

Is that it, Doug?

Just do whatever, Dad.

I'm outta heeeeere.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Doug, I think we're gonna
hang here with your dad

if that's cool.

Maybe we could, um, catch
up with you later or something.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, do whatever.

I'm outta here.

You guys want beers?

I could use a beer, yeah.

You're all 21, right?

Well... Well...

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

My name is Captain
Monterey Jack.

And I'm here today
to "turn you on"

to a new idea:

turning out the lights

when you're the last
one to leave a room.

Now, I don't know what
the guys from the MTV

do with their lights, okay.

I don't know what the
guys from the Skin Doctors

do with their lights.

But I do know this:

this little piggy
went to the market.

This little piggy stayed home

and started an electrical fire

because he didn't
turn out his ights-lay.

That's "lights" in pig Latin,

which is what
happened to the piggy.

Hey, it's got to
come from the heart.

It's like what Nike says.

"Just do this."

Let's take some Q&A.

I'm Doug.

All my friends think it's cool

to leave the lights
on all the time.

I'm not so sure.

Do your friends
pay your electric bill?

No.

Well, there's your answer,
Snoop Dougy Dogg.

Ass meets chair. Sit down.

Is it okay to keep the lights
on if I'm doing my homework?

You listen to me,
Mr. Funny Pants.

I am not talking
about these lights here.

I'm talking about
this light here.

Your heart light.

Um, what about hair dryers?

Hair dryers are different.
Excellent question.

They have multiple settings,
and they keep food warm.

Keep hair dryers
on all the time.

Well, I got to go, guys,
but remember this:

Thomas Edison was a great man,

but he was a bastard
to his wife and kids.

I'm Captain Monterey Jack.

Thanks for your time.

Ow!

My knees.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I think that fire is magic,

and it scares me a lot.

The century-long search

for the mysterious
beast called bigfoot

is at an end.

Months of painstaking
research have led us here,

deep within the offices

of Webber, Klienman
& Associates.

The receptionist said
it was out to lunch,

so we tagged her
for future study.

Get her, Paul! Quickly!

Oh, my!

Sweet Jesus!

Oh!

Ah!

Nice tag, mate.

I'm here in the bigfoot's den.

The smell of musk
permeates the air.

If bigfoot... sometimes
Sasquatch, sometimes yeti,

sometimes Scott
Pullman, securities broker...

Truly is out to lunch,

he may not be back
for several months.

But we're in luck.

The bigfoot has a
2:30 appointment.

What the hell's going on here?

And there he is,

surely the greatest beast in
North American mythology.

Are you the one who
tagged my secretary?

The bigfoot's anger
at our presence

probably means there
are young nearby.

Bigfoot? What
the hell are you...

The film crew's in
my office, Miss Jones.

Get the cops.

He's a smart one.

There are definitely cubs here.

The bigfoot is furious.

Soon he will begin biting trees

to impress us with the strength

of his great jaws.

Gah!

Gah!

Let's take a look at
what the bigfoot bought.

Just as I thought:
the baby bigfoot...

Jane and Michael, run!

Richard, look. Pups.

Oops!

Oh, my God!

Oh, drat.

Spot of bad luck.

The bigfoot, more
likely than not,

will tear me limb from limb.

I've already soiled my drawers
and begun seeing my life...

Ah!

And now Louie,

the guy who comes in
and says his catchphrase

over and over again.

Hey, everybody, why so glum?

Louie's gonna be here tonight.

Louie's coming.

He's coming here?

Hey, everybody, it's Louie.

He's coming down the walk.

How do I look? How do I look?

Hey, everybody!

Hey, Louie!

Hey, hey.

How you doin', Louie?

Who's got something to drink?

I do.

What is it?

It's, uh, orange juice.

Orange juice?

Hey, I wanna dip my balls in it!

Who's got a bowl of something?

I do.

What's in it? Oatmeal.

Oatmeal? Oatmeal!

Oatmeal?

Oatmeal!

I wanna dip my balls in it!

Are there any hors d'oeuvres?

Caviar. Red or black?

Black.

Oh, no, he hates black.

Aw, hell, who gives a damn?

I wanna dip my balls in it!

Maple syrup.

I wanna dip my balls in it.

Yes!

Hair tonic.

I wanna dip my balls in it!

Yes!

Faulkner.

I wanna dip my balls in it!

Yes!

Mayonnaise.

I wanna put it on my sandwich!

Ye...

Oh, my God.

Please say it, Louie.

Oh, you know what I'm gonna say.

No, we don't.

You know what I'm gonna say.

No, we don't.

You know what I'm gonna say.

No, we don't.

You know what I'm gonna say.

No, we don't!

I wanna dip my balls in it!

Hey, I wanna dip my balls in it!

I want to dip my balls in it!

Dipping my balls in it.

I would love to
dip my balls in it!