The State (1993–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

Mom!

Mommy!

What it is, sweetheart?

There's a bogeyman
under the bed.

Oh, now, Billy, why
would you think that?

Mom, can't you just
check once, please?

Please?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.



Hey.

What are you doing?

Yeah, baby.

Hey, give me a little sugar.

Smooch!

Now, you see?

There's nothing
under there, okay?

Now, go to sleep,
or you'll be sorry.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

And now it's The
Lenny Lipton Show.

And here he is,

the man who never stops
for anything, Lenny Lipton.

Hello.

Yes. Yes.

We got a great
show for you tonight.

You all know my good
friend Dr. Max Krieger.

Hello. Hello, Lenny.

Max, Maximilian.

Too cool, Lenny. Too cool.

How was your weekend, Max?

Oh, pretty good. Spent
a little time at home.

Oh, yeah? Which
home is that, Max?

The strip club or the casino?

Touché, Lenny. Touché.

Okay, let's bring
out our first guest.

This guy is the lead singer
of the hippest new band,

The Spin Doctors.

Oh, these guys are terrific.

They are fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Barron.

Hello, Chris.

Tell me, what brings
you to New York?

We're shooting a new...

You know, remind
me not to have that guy

back on the show, would you?

Okay, Lenny. Whatever you say.

Listen, let's bring
out our next guest.

This lady is from
Bloomington, Indiana.

She's 95 years old,

and she still owns
her own pastry shop.

Miss Sandra Paxton.

Sandra.

Sandra, how do you do it?

Cookies. Take them.

Is she all right?

Looks like Sandra had
one too many free drinks

on the airplane.

We interrupt this program
for a special news bulletin.

Diane?

Thanks, Roc.

This just in.

Pastry queen Sandra
Paxton is dead at 95.

Thanks, Diane.

And now back to The
Lenny Lipton Show

already in progress.

You know, Max, I think
all this strip club stuff

is making you
act a little weird.

You got me good.

He got me good this time.

Okay, Jimmy Meyer,

take us out to a
commercial, would you?

We'll be right back with
scientist Stephen Hawking.

Morning, honey.

Morning, sweetie.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom, this
cereal tastes great.

Can I have some more?

Sure, honey. It's
good for you too.

I love this cereal.

That's because Krispy
Pops are high in fiber.

Krispy Pops: high
fiber and great taste.

So that was a pretty good movie.

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Scuse me, kids.

Would you like to
come to my house

and see our living room?

Oh, that would be great.

Okay.

So this is our living room.

Wow, this is a
great living room.

Yeah.

Would you like to
sit on our couch?

Are you sure your
parents aren't gonna mind?

Oh, no, no.

We sit on it all the time,
and they're really cool.

Oh, no. No, no.

I mean that I'm here.

Oh.

No.

I mean, they're away
for the weekend, so...

Oh.

Oh, okay.

All right.

W-w-w-wait a second.

I mean... I mean, don't get
your hormones all worked up.

My hormones? My hormones?

What about your hormones?

♪ ♪

smooch!

♪ ♪

You have a really nice body.

You have a really nice body.

Come here.

Let me just... Uh, move. Okay.

Okay, uh, hold on a second.

I-I can't seem to find it.

Hold on.

Okay, I got it.

I got it. Okay.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Okay.

All right, not so fast.
I don't want to lose it.

I don't want to lose it.

Okay.

Slow it on down.

Slow it on down.

Slow! Slow!

Slow. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

That was incredible.

That was just incredible.

Do you know what time it is?

No, I don't know.

It's pretty late,
though, I guess, huh?

Yeah, I mean, I got
to get up really early.

Oh, you do? Yeah, so go.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Okay, well, bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey!

Oh, God. Look... aw.

I'm a pig.

Beer drinkers here
choose Hops Plus

over any other beer.

What are you saying to me?

They're my friends.

I love them.

For great taste...

Man...

When you don't mind a
beer that'll show you down,

Hops Plus.

I love them.

I'm such a pig.

I can't get... I can't
get down the stairs.

If you can still
reach for a beer,

reach for a Hops Plus.

Also available in menthol.

♪ Boys and girls! ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

Hook-handed, plank-walking,
patch-wearing, one-eyed...

Floppy-shoed, rubber-nosed,

28-to-a-car,
balloon-animal-twisting...

X-marks-the-spot,
map-making, parrot-loving...

Seal-training,
hamburger-endorsing...

Peter-Pan-chasing,
Olivia-de-Havilland-snatching...

Fat-lady-knowing,
cotton-candy-stinking...

Mangy old salty, scurvy sea dog.

Bozo-wannabe circus freak.

Can't clowns and pirates
just try to get along?

Nobody wins this game.

Nobody wins.

♪ Boys and girls! ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

How'd you find out
about this party?

I don't really know the guy.

His name's Chip.

What should we do with the beer?

Hi.

Hi, is this Chip's party?

Yeah, it sure is.

Okay, just go right in there.

All right, excellent.

Would you two like drinks?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Okay, great.

Let's party, man.

Here you go, guys.

Oh, thanks.

Okay, enjoy.

Do you see anybody we know?

Uh, no. No.

You want to take off
when we finish our drinks?

No, let's stick around.

Let's see if it
picks up a little bit.

Okay, everybody look
at the clown, okay?

Okay, here he is.

Hello, kids.

I mean, like, you're
there, first grade.

First grade, it's cool.

It's cool. You're
doing the alphabet.

You're doing basic mathematics:

adding, subtracting,
that kind of thing.

Second grade, it
gets a little harder,

but it's still cool.

Cootie spray, no
cooties, black magic.

Boys, girls, that whole
thing. But it's cool.

I'm gonna go get a light, so...

Keep things going.

Three.

Yeah!

Yeah, man. Yeah.

♪ Hey, yeah. ♪

♪ Get your wiggle
on, jiggle on. ♪

Yeah, I just broke up with mine,

like, two weeks ago.

I haven't really been
to a party since then.

Party at the clown!

Party at the clown!

This is really good.

Oh, wow, it's premium.

Then you get into side
three with Comfortably Numb,

and he no longer
even has the angle.

He's just completely
gone into his own land,

behind his own wall.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

I'm about to pass out.

Me too, man.

Wow, it's pretty late.

Yeah, looks like
things are breaking up.

Anybody want to go to a bar

or something?

Good night, guys.

Good night, Mrs. Johnson.

Good night, Mrs.
Johnson. Good night.

Great party. Yeah, great party.

Thanks for coming.

Wow. That was great.

You know that girl
Debbie in there?

Yeah, which one? The pigtails.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She's having a big
party next weekend.

Her dad's renting a pony.

Did you get her phone number?

No, she didn't know it.

Which brings us, class,

to the assassination
of Abraham Lincoln,

our 16th president.

His death by a sniper's bullet

precipitated a new
amendment to the Constitution

which states that any threat
made towards the president,

even in jest... and I
stress, even in jest...

Will be considered
a federal offense.

You will be tried,
prosecuted, and thrown in jail.

Wait... wait a second.
Wait a second.

Wait... so what
you're saying is,

even if I hypothetically
said something

along the lines of...
Oh, I don't know...

"I'm gonna shoot the
president tomorrow,"

then immediately the...

Clear.

You see?

I can't stress this
enough, people.

Not even in jest should
you say something like,

"Hey, wouldn't it be cool
if I killed the president?"

Move! Move! Move!

Move! Move!

If she's not back in 15 minutes,

I think we can go home.

Yeah?

That is very funny.

Hi, there.

I'm an on-air personality.

You know, after a tough day

shooting my hit television
series, The State,

there's nothing I enjoy more

than having some
unprotected sex.

Not only do those
orgasms feel terrific,

but afterwards, I
fall right to sleep.

Hey, it's better
than taking pills.

Just kidding.

And when it's unprotected sex,

hey, man, that's when
things really start to swing.

Not only do I risk impregnating
my underage partners,

but think about all
those spooky diseases.

Ouch.

And here's something you
may not have thought of.

Sex is a terrific way to
make some extra money.

Every now and again,
when I'm strapped for cash,

I like to slip on a skirt,
slap on some lipstick,

tie my penis between my legs,

and head down to the
docks for a little hustling.

The money's right,
and it's a hell of a rush.

Now, I know what
you're thinking.

"Hey, on-air personality,
isn't hustling 'dangerous'?"

You bet it is.

And that's why I charge a lot.

It helps to keep
the riffraff away,

if you know what
I'm talking about.

And I also carry this.

It's an exact replica

of the gun John Hinckley
Jr. Used when he said,

"Hey, I think I'm gonna
kill the president."

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Well, Scott, if this
new girlfriend of yours

doesn't get here soon, I'm
gonna need to shave again.

Maybe I should go ahead
and serve the fruit cup.

Maybe. Maybe.

I don't know where she could be.

I love her.

Hi, sweetheart. I
just let myself in.

Sorry I'm so late.

The night girl never showed up.

I hope I didn't miss dinner.

No. Oh, hi.

You must be Mr. Jones.

I see where Scott
gets his good looks.

And, Mrs. Jones,
you don't look 57.

God, this looks great.

Oh, my God.

Let's eat.

Let's eat. Let's eat.

Oh, Mr. Jones, Scott
tells me you're an architect.

I'm dying to talk
to you about it.

I had such a fondness
for Frank Lloyd Wright

when I was at Vassar.

You did? Yeah.

Me too.

Would you like to use
a hose or something?

We're in no rush. You could...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm used to it.

I don't want to impose.

I'm good. She's good.

Can you pass the
potatoes, please?

So Scott tells us

you're a, uh, stockbroker.

No.

I'm a female mud wrestler.

You know, I work
over at The Foxhole,

by the airport.

Oh.

That would explain the, uh...

The mud. The mud.

Right, yeah, and the bikini.

So...

But it has its pros and cons.

You know, I mean,
like, tonight I got to meet

the president of
DeCarlo Textiles.

Oh, you did?
Isn't that terrific?

Scooter DeCarlo. How 'bout that?

Well, now, wait just a second.

You are a female mud...

Female mud wrestler, yeah.

Ooh, I didn't even know
there was female mud.

Yeah, it's hard to
describe, actually.

But I'll tell you
what, Mr. Jones.

If you stand up, I'll show
you a couple of moves.

Would you do that?

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Oh, come on!

Come on, Larry. Come on.

Well, okay, okay.

Now, do you have a mud pit?

Do we?

We have a small one
under the dinner table,

but I can't imagine
wrestling in it.

We just play in it.

Well, let's have a look.

This is perfect.

It's not regulation,
but it will do.

Okay, great.

We should get a
regulation one, darling.

Okay, Mr. Jones,
take off all your clothes.

Ooh!

Well, it's a little unorthodox,
but what the hell?

Oh, go ahead, do it, Larry.

And, Mrs. Jones, to
make this authentic,

strip down to your underwear

and parade around
us with drinks.

Well, I don't quite see
what you're getting at,

but Scott seems to like you.

What kind of drinks, dear?

Highballs and beers, Mamacita.

Highballs and beers.

Come on in, Jonesy.

Okay, ready?

Here we go.

Oh, uh, good move.

Highballs and beers.

Somebody's in trouble.

Highballs and beers!

Get him in the thing,
the thing that you do.

Okay, one, two,
three. You're done.

Yes!

Oh, so it's that kind
of mud wrestling.

Oh.

Have you had enough
there, Mr. Jones?

Oh, yeah, that's too
much for this old rascal.

Great job. You've
been practicing.

Hey!

Best two out of three!

Whoa-ho!

I haven't had this much fun
mud wrestling since Korea.

Highballs and beers.

Highballs and beers!

Highballs and beers.

Highball? Beer?

Beer? Highball?

Highballs and beers.

Okay, who wants some chicken?

Yeah! Yeah, you do.

Hey, let's go swimming.

Oh, I don't know, Tom.

Oh, come on, just a dip.

Oh, okay.

A perfect day for
a family barbecue.

Everybody's eating
and eating and eating.

But even a perfect
day can be spoiled

when you mix
eating with swimming.

Oh, Bob, no one
else is swimming.

Oh, to hell with you.

Whee!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Ow. Ow. Cramp!

Oh, God, Bob has cramps!

Bob!

Oh, no! Oh, my God!

I'll save you! Hold on, buddy!

Cramp!

You hold on!

Bob!

Ooh, cramp! Cramp!

Oh, cramp!

Cramp! Cramp!

What you're seeing
is not a reenactment.

This is my real family,

and they're actually
drowning in my pool.

I'd like to save them,
but I've just eaten,

and I know that I
have to wait 45 minutes

before I go swimming.

45 minutes.

By that time,
well, let's just say

the pool boy's going to
have his work cut out for him.

♪ ♪

♪ Something I
should have said, ♪

♪ something I didn't do ♪

♪ to show you how
much I love you. ♪

♪ I know you want to leave. ♪

♪ I know you have to go. ♪

♪ But, baby, I want
you to know... ♪

♪ Deep inside your heart. ♪

♪ That you'll always
give me a boner. ♪

♪ Yes, you'll always
give me a boner. ♪

♪ Bo-ho-ho-ho-ho-honer. ♪

Darling, I think
of you most often

on those lonely, lonely nights

when I'm all dressed
up in your underwear

and taking pictures of
myself crying like a little baby.

Baby, there ain't
nothing in the world

that can keep us apart,

not even that smart-ass
judge's restraining order.

I'd climb the highest
mountain for you.

I'd even shoot the president.

It's green.

♪ If you're ever
lonesome and blue, ♪

♪ think of me hard
up and rock hard ♪

♪ in my thoughts of you. ♪

♪ Missing you. ♪

♪ I know that you'll
always give me a boner. ♪

♪ Boner. ♪

♪ Yes, you'll always
give me a boner. ♪

♪ Bo-ho-ho-ho-ho-honer. ♪

♪ Boner. ♪

♪ Boner. ♪