The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 6, Episode 7 - Luxury Lounge - full transcript
Christopher and Carmine travel to Hollywood to take the next step in making their movie but quickly realize they're out of their depth. Artie's restaurant falls prey to one of Tony's scams that was ran by Benny.
That's where the Twin Towers were.
We should go see it.
You guys speak English?
Not some too much.
The address is in the bag.
134 Deweunter Terrace, Brooklyn
That's in New York.
There's a map.
Dump it all after you memorize it.
The man you're gonna
pop' is very cautious,
usually has protection.
Guy with a long horse face,
in good shape.
The fish
have been cleaned.
You can drop them
where you do it.
Where'd you learn to
speak Italian?
I came over with my parents
when I was two.
You were born in Italy?
Where?
I just wanna say
it's been a while
since we opened the books
and in regards
to you guys...
Burt, Gerry...
as a man
of few words, I...
Not few enough, though, huh?
New blood.
- New blood.
- Salut.
Sure, we break
some balls here tonight,
but I go way back.
And in light
of recent humiliations,
it's a honor
to be joined by men
and not faggot-ass
corn-holing cocksuckers
like married my cousin.
- He should fuckin' die!
- Phil, relax.
- Whoa whoa whoa, Phil.
- Take it easy.
Phil, you know the wine
makes you emotional.
Because I got
an empty fuckin' stomach.
- So have a breadstick.
- 45 minutes for some grilled eggplant?
Jesus Christ, is there nothing
without this complaining?
You didn't notice?
Artie's game is a little off lately.
Well, Carmela sent
her branzino back Sunday night,
but she loves
to do that.
Gentlemen,
how's everything so far?
- Fantastic.
- Delicious.
The delay...
a thousand pardons.
I'm breaking in
a new guy on the line.
You seem set
for antipasto.
I gotta be honest... new guy
in the kitchen aside,
I mean, how come we're waiting?
It seems empty out there.
People like to
get in that last barbecue.
Artie, you been
to this "Da Giovanni" up by Troy Hills?
- No, I haven't been.
- Supposed to be incredible.
- He's a kid, right?
- I hate fish,
but his,
with the agrodolce...
I'll check it out.
- Ah, buon appetito.
- About time.
Fuckin' Phil.
Some display, huh?
Paid a visit
to Vito's goomar, Jill.
She still hasn't
heard from Vito.
We were just discussin'
"La Cage aux Fat."
I was gonna get my cousin Tommy
to call his detective friend.
I've been hamstrung with that work
stoppage at the office park.
Vito shows up... he shows up,
then we deal with him. If not...
It's just a phone call.
And seriously,
Tommy says the guy can track somebody
from the corn in his shit.
Yeah, I saw them
do that on "CSI."
- Good night.
- Bye, Sack.
- Bye now.
- Good night, kid.
Hey, I was glad to hear you say
that about the search,
'cause I gotta take a little time off
for some business in Cali.
Little Carmine's
lined up a meet in L.A. for us.
So, what is it,
business or time off?
Time off from here,
but definite business.
With Ben Kingsley, Ton'.
So you're gonna go
get an autograph
on the weekend
of the Notre Dame-Michigan game?
I got my guys all over it.
Little Carmine says
if we attach Ben Kingsley,
the picture's a go.
Little Carmine?
It's common knowledge
the guy's retarded.
I don't get it.
You agreed to this in the hospital.
Christopher,
I was in a coma.
Okay, fine.
I'll call Little Carmine,
call the airline, cancel.
I'll probably
still reach someone.
What am I gonna do
with you?
Make a lot of money.
All right.
What the fuck is this
idiot doing?
No speak English.
...Brooklyn.
Ho, pal.
Move your car. We're late.
Move el automobile.
Rusty! Don't forget
to call Marissa.
Hurry up. Let me see.
- Museum...
- Eastern Parkway.
Eastern Parkway,
not the Belt Parkway.
So I'm trying to eject the DVD
and the kids are freaking,
"What's wrong with that lady, Daddy?"
- And Carrie says...
- How's the scaloppine?
Uh, it's delicious.
Thanks.
It all depends on slicing
the veal very thin.
My way...
I like to chill it down
a degree or two
and then I pull a straight razor
right across it.
Your father could cook.
He told me when you were in here last.
75th birthday, right?
- In the navy.
- What's that?
In the navy, he cooked.
Terrific guy.
Great head of hair.
- You enjoy.
- Mmm.
Save room. I'll be back
with dessert specials.
Ho, Benny,
Moe and Jack.
How's the bruschett'?
You got a quorum.
Let me get you a table.
You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna stay right here.
My best customer,
but he's nailed to this fuckin' spot.
It's either the wine
or the view.
Such a sweet kid.
You know, she told Charmaine
that back in Albania
her whole family
got blown up
waiting on line
for an oil change.
The shit she's been through,
we just had to help.
I even called in a favor with my cousin
in Manhattan,
got her a working visa,
started on the green card.
Martina,
come do some hosting.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's up?
This is your cheering
section over here.
- Hello, Benny.
- You got the reservations squared away?
It's very few
right now.
Football season.
I could watch her
walk away all night.
Good, 'cause like most girls with you,
that's what she's gonna do.
Ah, to be young
and single again like these two,
- huh, Benito?
- Ahh.
I can put the credit card numbers on
actual plastic
for an extra five bills.
We do Internet strictly.
Mmm, the gnocchi!
I'll take your word.
It's a little too rich for my stomach.
It's okay.
Just a bite.
I think it's
a lamb ragu
with just a scoop
of cold rigott'.
Holy shit.
It's all so fresh.
That fish with pistachios?
I feel like a traitor.
Vesuvio, lately,
it's depressing somehow.
Maybe they need to remodel
or something. I don't know.
That menu
is so tired.
- Hey, Homo Junior!
- Leave me the fuck alone!
Get... stop it!
Mom, they're hurting Vito!
- Stop it!
- Where are your parents?
I guess she can't hide
her face at home.
It'd be like admitting
there was something wrong.
I should have brought
a pair of sweatpants
to change into.
I'm gonna explode.
Apparently,
there is still a veal loin
yet to be unveiled.
Please, don't get up.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
That kid,
I'm tellin' you...
Thank you.
...he was so handsome in that church.
The name he took, "Francis"...
after my pop.
No restaurants in Brooklyn?
You gotta come all the way to Jersey?
This food... it's worth a detour.
Why? Is there a problem?
Artie's a friend of mine, you know?
I like to throw him some business.
Talk to you a minute?
Visited with John.
He said to tell you
he appreciates the recent headlines.
Rusty.
I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
I turned him down
on that.
Madonn', you're
a cautious man.
You know, some people might feel
a little offended.
Me... my heart
is an open book.
Anyway, Rusty's gone
and we'll chalk it up
to the headless horseman.
Giovanni.
Bravo!
Martina was just
tellin' me
that in Montenegro
I'd be the tallest guy.
Another fun fact
from the Balkans.
Ben, are you up
for dessert?
No, I'm all set here.
Thanks.
Martina, sweetheart,
can I talk to you
for a second?
What is it, Artie?
You're looking at me
very serious.
You remember I had
that friend in Manhattan
that was gonna help speed you through
the green card process?
Apparently,
it's not happening.
- Why?
- Too much on his plate, he said.
I guess you're just gonna
have to do it yourself. I'm sorry.
All those forms.
Shit me.
I wish I could help you,
but really,
it's a small inconvenience compared
to living in freedom, right?
Yes, I know this.
Get him another 'buca.
Hey, Tony.
You could fuck her,
you know?
Well...
I'm not 100%
in that department,
but I'm startin'
to feel the old pressure.
It's funny,
'cause guys like me, we come here,
we get drunk
and stare.
Best-case scenario, we go
in the back room, we get a lap dance
a dry hump and pfft...
blow in our pants.
Listen, you wanna fuck her so bad,
I'm sure it could be worked out.
Nah, I couldn't.
But you...
Well, what do you
want me to say?
Nothing.
It's just a fact.
If I knew you were gonna be
in such a pissy mood...
Gabriella Dante and Rosalie Aprile
came in for lunch yesterday.
So what, you wanna fuck
one of them now?
No.
Gab said you all went and had a meal
at Da Giovanni on Sunday.
Well, I was gonna
tell you.
It was Phil's grandson's confirmation.
It's a pain in the ass.
What are you gonna do?
You gotta eat.
It's nothing' special,
believe me.
Actually, Carm got a little sick after.
Too much oil, she thought.
Gab said
I should check it out,
like I could learn
something.
Well, she runs her mouth,
that one.
Fuck her.
Carm got sick.
Nice touch.
It was a business
obligation, Artie.
Uh-oh. Last time I heard that,
I had to call the fire department.
Well, maybe you need another fresh start
to fuck up.
I should go.
- Oh, come on, come on.
- No.
- I'm sorry. Have another one, come on.
- Forget it.
I know where
your heart is.
I gotta plan
the menu for tomorrow.
Fasanella,
my old man's a meat guy.
He said that the restaurant business
was like keeping an elephant.
It costs a fortune and sooner or later
it shits on your head.
I miss him.
Hector had to trim
three inches off the fiorentinas.
Great. We can't even get
the good meat anymore.
Fucking Western Beef
is leaving us for dead.
I wanted you to call
their guy, but you were on the floor
talking to the Cohens'
mother-in-law.
You can't deal with the Western Beef
guy yourself,
my blushing flower?
It's not
the same from me.
And Arthur,
the chatting
with the guests...
Again, that's it.
It's not Hector or the meat
or these assholes
that are always looking
for the next hot thing. It's me.
Limit it to a quick
visit at coffee.
People wanna talk
to each other, not you.
Really? You know better
than New Jersey Zagat...
"Arthur Bucco,
warm and convivial host"?
Yeah, we're here
right now.
Sure, the broad strokes.
Perfect.
Kingsley's agent says
we grab lunch tomorrow, poolside.
- That guy, Jay?
- Yeah, I got him out of some trouble
on a party yacht
down in the Keys.
Ben Kingsley, can he do
a New Jersey accent?
Welcome
to the Viceroy.
I usually send
the bags up, hit the bar,
decompress a little,
unless you're against it.
- What are you talking about?
- You're in AA.
You gave the stewardess an earful
when she put down the champagne.
I just don't wanna make you feel
uncomfortable.
Relax.
I can deal with it.
Be careful
with this wine,
because the way
you two are looking at each other,
pretty soon
we're gonna have to...
put a high chair right here.
Did you clip the daily-special cards
to all the menus?
Hey, Artie,
come here.
You ready to order?
Why you kicking
her ass like that?
If you're referring
to the fact that she's my employee
and I'm telling her what to do, last
time I checked, that's the way it works.
She thinks you want her to cry.
I said not true.
She told you that?
'Cause you two
talk all the time.
- Yeah. So what?
- So, maybe you should hire her.
I know
how to treat people.
- You're a people person, obviously.
- I am.
And when they're good to me,
they get treats.
And when they're not,
well, I got this severance thing I do.
It's a complete break,
actually.
I get it.
See, 'cause you talked around that
threat so much, I almost missed it.
Sorry to interrupt
you guys,
but, Arthur, you have
to plate the salmon.
Arthur, the kid
is a hood, okay?
If he feels protective
of his girlfriend,
you should just
leave it alone.
She's a slow learner.
She's a nice girl,
and as predicted,
the customers love her
with her little stories
from the old country.
You are just
picking on her.
It's disgusting.
He's a married man.
So it's 500 for the hour,
300 for half.
And if you wanna keep
skiing, that's extra.
All right, Eden,
how's about 400 for 40
and four more lines
and then we'll take it from there?
That'll work.
Fuckin'-a.
Those are
some amazing tits.
Thank you, sweetie.
Carlo's running late.
Route 23, they think there's a sniper.
Listen,
the other night...
it's this place.
You know, the rope's
a little tight
at my collar.
Down 40%
from last year.
- You need a little help?
- From you? God no.
Oh, there's the gratitude
I was looking for.
No, I mean I'm not
at that point, thank God.
But thank you.
Well, listen, the other day
I was driving along
and I was thinking
about your little problem.
How about a little promotion?
A coupon, two-for-one?
Two-fers, wow.
You mean, like you get
a free spaghetti and meatballs
if you bring another cheap gomer
douchebag in here?
How about an early-bird special?
Salad wagon?
This is a fine dining establishment.
I'll give it back to the bank
before I turn it
into a fucking IHOP.
Just send the waiter
over here.
You wanna help me so badly?
Try paying your tab.
- Excuse me?
- That little roast
you and the waste management people
threw for Dick Barone when he got sick...
40 fucking garbagemen
from around the country.
Of course you paid
Pat Cooper.
You paid
the entertainment.
Afternoon. We're looking
for Arthur Bucco.
- That's me.
- Dave Kloski. This is Jim Hollings.
American Express?
Funny, I had you two for cops.
In a past life.
Actually we're here to investigate
some recent irregularities in charge
activity here at Nuevo Vesuvio.
"Nuovo."
Irregularities?
Well, there is credit card fraud
going on in this restaurant.
- That's impossible.
- Based on cardholder disputes,
we show nine hits in this locus
that precede fraudulent activity.
- What does that mean?
- People's card numbers were copied
and those numbers were used to rack up
thousands of dollars in phony charges.
Wait, you think I'm ripping off
my own customers? That's insane.
Were these meals
actually served?
Shit.
Councilman Carillo?
That was just two weeks ago.
So you understand
we have to suspend
the use of our cards here
pending an investigation.
Suspend?
You're cutting me off?
What's going on?
They're from Amex.
No more charges.
- What?!
- Someone's stealing!
Guys, this is like 30%
of my business here
and I can't fucking
spare it right now!
Artie, please don't curse.
The minute you use profanity,
you give them the high moral ground
to do whatever they please.
We need copies
of your reservations
and a list of anyone who has access
to customer plastic.
I'm just asking, Jay.
Well, tell me again.
Why am I meeting
with these chaps?
Oh! Oh, bollocks, Jay.
Uh... bollocks!
Oh, please.
Anyway, we appreciate
that your time
is less than limited,
so I'll cut to the chase.
Log line..."The Ring" meets
"The Godfather."
Wiseguy... murdered,
I guess you could say...
seeks revenge on the man
who ordered it.
You would play that man.
Which man?
Who are we kidding here?
You're Ben Kingsley.
You'd play the boss.
I heard this idea...
I call Jay and I say,
"Sir Ben Kingsley,
no one else."
Well, you know, as ever,
it's script-dependent.
Oh, we got a sensational
writer... JT Dolan.
I'm embarrassed.
I haven't heard of him.
He's from TV...
"Nash Bridges," "Hooperman,"
and "Law & Order,
the SUV."
So there's a script?
We wanted to surmise
your interest
and then tailor the part
to your specificities.
No one plays a tough,
ruthless, hardhearted prick like you do.
You got it down,
trust me.
I take that
as quite a compliment.
Sure.
"Sexy Beast"?
Now, we do have
a shortlist of directors.
We could go A-list
down the horror genre...
Ridley, Tobe Hooper.
Or we could try to find
the next James Wan. He did "Saw."
Did you see that?
Fuckin' brutal.
Betty?
It's Ben.
How are you?
What on earth
are you doing out here?
Oh, I don't know.
OH.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
Miss Lauren Bacall.
Lauren, this is Carmine Tazzi
and Christopher...
...Moltisanti.
Huge fan.
- Thank you.
- "Lupertazzi."
You were great
in "The Haves and Have-Nots."
Oh yes, dear Howard Hawks.
Thank you.
I'm a presenter
at one of these award shows...
ShoWest,
some bullshit.
Oh, I did one of those years ago,
after "Death and the Maiden," I think.
They do take good care
of you, though.
I have shiatsu
in about 10 minutes.
- Wow.
- But let's catch up.
Absolutely.
Great to see you.
- Thank you.
- As always.
- So nice meeting both of you.
- Enjoy your success.
Uh, that reminds me,
I have a scheduling problem.
This meeting was last minute
and I'm supposed to be
at the Luxury Lounge
at 2:00.
Yeah, but we haven't even gotten
to the particulars yet.
We'll walk with you.
I think this is
going very well.
You okay? You seem
a bit distracted.
It's fucking Sir Ben Kingsley is all.
Lauren Bacall.
- Yo.
- Murmur, I'm chipping here major.
Get on a plane.
Sir Ben Kingsley
and... guests.
Janine will
take you around.
Hi, Janine.
Ben Kingsley.
We're offering
the full services
of the spa today,
including massage.
Listen, we're thinking about Sam
Rockwell for the younger guy.
- Is that a good chemistry for you?
- Hmm.
May I offer you
champagne?
Maybe later.
This is Yael from Cosabella Lingerie.
Sir Ben Kingsley.
I'll take an extra large
in these.
For a man, White & Warm is giving
this cashmere throw,
great for the airplane,
and here, one for the car.
- Thanks, Yael.
- They charge this shit to the room?
- Hmm?
- This is Carla from Oris.
Men's and women's,
sporty and dressy.
A lot of guys are going
with the classic stainless chrono.
Oh, my godson would love that.
He's having his birthday in three weeks.
- But for me...
- This is elegant.
- Really is.
- Take the chrono too?
- Are you sure?
- Of course.
Is all
this shit free?
I'm gettin' that.
"True Crime,
New York City."
Pam has
a huge crush on you.
Thanks, Pam.
So Kingsley,
they do this all the time?
- It's Sir Ben, actually.
- Sorry.
A couple of times a year,
mainly clustered around award seasons.
How is that even
fuckin' possible?
I know.
It's embarrassing, isn't it?
- I know I have one of these.
- Shelly from iRiver.
I don't know
if you have this one.
It's got 20 gigs of space
in a tiny package.
That's 80 hours of video
or 600 hours of music.
Shelly, can I get
one of these?
- Here you go, Sir Ben.
- Thank you, Shelly.
Sir Ben, you've got
a meeting with Doug in 10, so...
Hey, guys,
looks like I ate up
all our time here.
What do you say
we catch up in New York?
You got a lot
of tables left.
We're gonna make
that work, Sir Ben.
They're giving away
a Caddy over there!
Well, no, it's just a test-drive
for a couple of weeks.
You know, my family
gave me some sunglasses for Christmas
so why don't you
have these?
I bet they'll look
great on you, Chris.
I don't know.
You think?
Sir Ben, can we get
a shot?
The thing, the Arabs.
Chris wanted me
to take care of you while he's away.
Cecil B DeMoltisanti
there.
- This is one week?
- Yeah, Murmur caught some big ones.
You're going to see your girlfriend
over at Vesuvio?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh...
Give this to Artie.
Put it on my tab.
We're not here
to accuse anybody,
'cause Mainie and I
like to think of you all as family.
And this is
very serious.
It is, but know
that as family
you'll be treated
with respect
and, if need be,
forgiveness.
Hector,
and you, mustache...
You got
something to say?
We have no intention of pressing
charges. It's just gotta stop.
That's all we want.
Any questions?
Understand this is not
about a 42-oz. jar of Moroccan olives
or a couple of rolls
of toilet paper here.
- This is our livelihoods.
- Are you looking at me?
Nobody's looking
at anybody.
- I didn't take the toilet paper.
- But the olives?
I'm joking here.
I'm just saying
if you don't come clean to us,
those investigators,
well, they just might
question the honesty
of somebody
that wears a coat
- pulled from the lost-and-found.
- Fuck this!
- No, fuck you!
- Arthur...
I don't know which one of
you pieces of shit did this,
but I've been good to you!
...getting us nowhere.
And you pay me back
with nonstop ass-rape!
Well fuck all of you!
You know what?
Just forget it.
I... I'm so sorry,
everybody.
Um, could you just get this cleaned up
so we can open? Thanks.
No no. It's very bad.
They had
the credit card police.
Those companies
are huge.
They come on tough,
but in the end, they gotta eat it.
Okay.
Everything okay
in there?
For once I'd like to eat
without you getting a call from work.
Ah.
God damn it.
Motherfucker.
Arthur!
What do you want, a repeat performance
of the Fourth of July?
That cop told you,
no firing guns in
the borough limits.
I brought those
arugula seeds
all the way back from Italy
in my shaving kit.
Eden, get the fuck out of there!
- Fuck off.
- I wasn't going through your purse!
I was movin' it
and it fell.
Go fuck yourself,
you guinea bastard!
Good afternoon,
Mr. Moltisanti.
Room 812, please.
- Yes.
- Hey, Sir Kingsley.
It's Chris Moltisanti
from yesterday?
I spoke with Jay
and he's working on that
New York meeting right now.
Fine, but that's not
what I'm calling about, though.
That Luxury Lounge thing,
can you get me in there?
I don't know. My publicist
handles all that stuff.
- So, can you call 'em?
- I don't know
how my publicist
can help you, you know?
All right.
Yeah, in the city then.
My partner went back.
Friend of his died
recently. Guy's wife
is having a breakdown.
He'll call you.
That's security, Eden!
They're gonna blow that door open!
Fuck you!
- Fuck.
- I know, I gotta get it together.
Black truffle doesn't have the intensity
of white so you gotta use more.
I'll be at my investing club
at the Learning Annex with my cell
if you have to call,
but try not to.
Sandy,
about the meeting...
- Oh, everybody knows you're upset.
- I know.
But Alonzo's coat,
you told me that in confidence.
I thought you
needed to know.
I also think... well,
it's probably nothing,
but yesterday Martina
was showing off these Caovilla sandals.
I know she makes
more than me,
but they cost
like $600.
You should get back
to the coatroom.
Hold on a second.
I wanna ask you something.
- I knew it.
- I'm sorry. I'll pay you back.
- How could you do this to me?
- You were so mean to me.
Like helping you find the apartment?
Teaching you to drive?
As soon as you found out I wasn't going
to fuck you, you started picking on me.
I wanna fuck you? You certainly have
a high opinion of yourself.
You stare at me
like food.
Well I never
fuck you.
- I go to Benny and we laugh at you...
- Benny.
...when I fuck him
in the pile of money
that we take from
your stupid customers.
You're fired.
Oh yeah?
Oh, who's laughing now?
What do you think? I can't press charges
'cause of my friendship with Tony?!
Three months
you worked here!
You think that doesn't go
on your permanent record?!
We lead the world
in computerized data collection!
Artie, you know
what time it is?
- We need to talk.
- Now?
My wife is pregnant.
She needs to sleep.
Martina told me about your little
credit card business.
Step outside, Ben.
I'll be outside
a minute, honey.
Look.
You're upset,
all right?
But it's not my fault
that little trick got greedy.
Oh, so she's
a little trick, huh?
I was gonna cut you in,
but now you're acting stupid.
Regular people are
all fucking stupid.
You want some more?!
Piece of dogshit!
Little, crazy,
motherfucking
meatball dogshit!
Yeah, I'm stupid.
Ho! There he is.
How you doing?
- Great, thanks.
- This is Murmur.
- You heading to the pool?
- Massage.
Oh.
Listen. You get a chance to call about
that Luxury Lounge for me?
Well, it's like
I explained...
there's nothing very much
I can do about it.
- They decide whom they give it to.
- Very important people,
like you, right? 'Cause you're a very
important person.
To them, I guess.
Murmur's an interesting name.
What's the genesis?
I had a heart murmur
when I was a kid.
They just keep
handing stuff out, huh?
The coolest shit
in the world
to the people
who need it the least.
Look. I think you've
misunderstood something.
I give most
of that stuff away
to homeless shelters,
the rest I give to charity auctions.
- Not to your godson?
- I agree with you,
the whole thing's obscene,
and it's nothing
compared to the situation
at award shows.
Presenters get about $30,000 worth of
merchandise
in those baskets.
That's a year's salary
for some people.
Go figure.
Hopefully we can spread
some of that lolly around.
We'll get you
that script.
Hell of a tub here, guys.
Sea, sun. I'm gonna
make it my second home.
- Anybody else hungry? Huh?
- We'll get lunch started.
- Artie, another margarita?
- I could say no, but I won't.
You lost
your fucking mind?
The shit you're in with that kid,
which you brought on yourself.
Brought on myself?
Oh, I suppose you let
a certain element into your world,
you're asking for it.
- Oh!
- Jesus fucking Christ, Tony,
how could you pull
that scam at my place?
Come on, you know I never would've
let that happen if I'd known.
You're innocent, I get it.
I'm just another victim
- of Benny Fazio, criminal mastermind.
- That's right.
And once you found out,
instead of putting him in the E.R.,
you should've come to me.
He says he's gonna kill you, Artie.
I can't take
American Express now, Ton'.
You know what that means? I have
to start with the fucking two-fers.
My accountant insisted.
Are you happy?
Life's not fair.
Right, I know.
But somehow I believed my dad's crap
about honest work.
He used to say
to me, "You'll see.
Pays off in the end."
What a joke.
I hate to see you like this,
you know that.
'Cause you start
thinking crazy shit.
Who's hungry?
- Yeah?
- Ben Kingsley passed.
Fuck.
You know, I tried
to be his friend,
I sent a muffin basket
with the script,
I tried everything.
You can kill me after
if you want,
- but he's a fucking dead man.
- Calm down, Ben.
He came to my house,
Tony, where my wife was watching TV.
My wife, who's carrying
my unborn son.
I'm gonna take him to
that warehouse in Paterson
- and drive fucking...
- Nails into his balls. I know.
I heard you
the first time.
- You're having a son, huh?
- They showed us his cannoli
on the ultrasound
like a month ago.
That's beautiful.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
I'm gonna tell you
this once...
it's over.
You drop it.
And frankly you should be very happy
I'm not gonna tax you.
I mean beside the fact you know
I grew up with the man,
you don't shit
where you eat.
And you really don't shit
where I eat.
I know, and I'm sorry
about that, but...
And your parents'
anniversary party?
It's not going to be at Da Giovanni's.
It's gonna be at Vesuvio.
What? Tony,
look at my face.
He's going to apologize
to you, and give you a rate.
He's hurtin' too.
And it's the least you can do.
Well Ms. Bacall, your limo
is second in line there.
Oh, well I can take it
from here.
- You sure?
- Yeah, thank you so much.
- Okay, you're welcome.
- Good night.
Night.
- Get the fuck away from me!
- What are you doing?!
Somebody help us!
Those guys!
Ms. Bacall,
don't move.
Yes, an ambulance
by Robinsons-May.
Oh Jesus,
my fucking arm.
- Hmm?
- No.
There's a line outside.
Okay, push the scampi. Wholesaler
says they gotta get eaten tonight.
And don't spread out too much. We still
got the Fazio party in the banquet room.
Okay, Sandy.
Open the door.
Hello. Welcome.
Do you have
low-salt selections?
Ahem...
Ma, Pop,
order whatever you want.
I'm having
that loin of veal.
That's
the other place, Ma.
This the young couple?
Yes, my mom and dad.
Cent'anni!
- Hundred years!
- Cent'anni!
Well, I hope you all enjoy.
You're all set for wine, cocktails?
- Nothing?
- Fine, thanks.
Benny, can I get
you a Martina?
- Excuse me?
- A Martina.
It's like a Martini,
but it's from Albania.
Hmm. I never heard
of it.
Well, apparently
they go down real easy.
Right, Ben?
We're gonna look
at the menu.
Good enough.
- You order for me.
- Fine. The monkfish.
There's such
a strange consistency.
- Ow!
- In front of my wife?!
Fuck!
Jesus! Fuck, my hand!
Shit! Oh God!
Oh fuck!
Fuck! My hand!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God, Arthur!
Somebody call 911 please!
Look at this.
I had no idea.
I'd have booked another flight.
Fuck.
Where is everybody?
My father-in-law
don't wanna come.
Him and Carm
aren't speaking.
- How's the meathook?
- Had to be my fuckin' saute hand, huh?
Why, you got an okay
crowd here today.
Sunday pasta's
the last thing to go.
The place is on life-support
ever since word got out
to the regulars
about their credit cards.
And my staff is pissed off
about Martina leaving.
Benny did a real
number here, Tony.
Who knows?
Maybe it's cursed. The fire, then this.
Will you stop talkin'
like an old lady?
- Artie.
- No go, huh?
He's just
being dramatic.
- How are you, sweetie?
- Better.
And Carm,
the flowers...
Tonight, only the best
for the best people.
Hmm, that's excellent.
Hey, be careful you two,
because the way
you two are looking at each other,
pretty soon we'll have
to put a high chair over here.
Like the icing on a cake, okay?
Capisce?
Keep your thumbs
out of the food.
We gotta talk
about your problem.
Oh, great.
Another idea.
How 'bout a strolling accordionist?
I'm gonna give you the name
of a good psychiatrist.
She's Italian.
You'll like her.
You know what?
You go about in pity for yourself.
- I go about in pity for myself?
- Yeah.
I gotta tell you,
Bodhisattva,
that is fucking
priceless.
Use the other door.
You bitch and you moan
and you blame
everybody else
for your problems,
instead of maybe... not letting
the Mexicans do all the cooking for you
or, I don't know, changing the menu
or changing the decor.
I guess because you know how to eat,
you know how to run a restaurant.
On one of the bleakest
nights of my life,
after the shit with my
mother and that fuckin' storm outside,
I came here
to this place.
I sat out there
with Carm and my two kids
and we ate and we drank
and we were so happy to be here,
more than any other
place in the world.
And you know I'm gonna
eat here until I fall off the chair.
But in business,
sometimes shit happens.
The playing field
changes, whatever.
And you gotta do whatever you gotta do
to keep your dick up.
If you hate it here so much,
why don't you go to Da Giovanni?
See if he'll cook you that bland shit
for your shot-up pancreas.
I'll tell you one thing
and this is very hard...
nobody wants
to hear you talk.
They're trying to eat out there
and you come along
with your corny jokes
and your stupid stories.
Just stay
in the kitchen.
That'd be a start.
Hey.
You wouldn't believe
what these people in the business get,
totally fuckin'
absolutely gratis.
Yeah, I hear the streets
are paved with hand jobs.
Right. I scored
some major swag.
A little taste for you.
Trip to Australia,
first-class vouchers,
some kind of
golf resort.
Looks like Sarasota.
After what,
a 20-hour flight? No.
That's for a pocket dog.
How'd it go
with the movie star?
He was all over us,
but I don't think he's right.
We made some great contacts.
Plus we saw Lindsay Lohan.
Total piece of ass.
You hear Artie
burned his hand?
Yeah. Him and Benny.
How crazy is that?
- He okay?
- A layer of skin
came off his hand
like a glove.
But, they said, you know,
no scarring, no grafts.
- Lucky.
- Hmm.
Well, not for nothin'.
I couldn't help but thinkin'
if you were here
watching your crew,
things wouldn't have gone
the way they did.
You let me go, T.
I asked you. Now it's my fault Artie
and Benny got into it?
This is what I was concerned about,
Christopher, the loss of focus.
Look...
not many guys have had to make
the kind of sacrifice I did.
How many times you gonna play
the Adriana card?
Sandy just seated
a couple.
Kitchen's closed.
He said they were supposed to go
to the city but they had car trouble.
Hector already left
to pick up his wife.
Plus I got nothing
back here, Charm.
They already opened
the bottle.
They're gonna have to eat
what I give them.
Arthur, a lot of people
don't like rabbit.
My grandfather's way.
Only with Proven?al elements
I been thinking about.
I thought you were taking
it to him at the home.
Okay... out.
I wanna get outta here tonight.
For my mom.
A store on the 57th street?
If you bought this in Naples?
The weak dollar.
Mont Blanc. Actually
cheaper in the U.S
We should go see it.
You guys speak English?
Not some too much.
The address is in the bag.
134 Deweunter Terrace, Brooklyn
That's in New York.
There's a map.
Dump it all after you memorize it.
The man you're gonna
pop' is very cautious,
usually has protection.
Guy with a long horse face,
in good shape.
The fish
have been cleaned.
You can drop them
where you do it.
Where'd you learn to
speak Italian?
I came over with my parents
when I was two.
You were born in Italy?
Where?
I just wanna say
it's been a while
since we opened the books
and in regards
to you guys...
Burt, Gerry...
as a man
of few words, I...
Not few enough, though, huh?
New blood.
- New blood.
- Salut.
Sure, we break
some balls here tonight,
but I go way back.
And in light
of recent humiliations,
it's a honor
to be joined by men
and not faggot-ass
corn-holing cocksuckers
like married my cousin.
- He should fuckin' die!
- Phil, relax.
- Whoa whoa whoa, Phil.
- Take it easy.
Phil, you know the wine
makes you emotional.
Because I got
an empty fuckin' stomach.
- So have a breadstick.
- 45 minutes for some grilled eggplant?
Jesus Christ, is there nothing
without this complaining?
You didn't notice?
Artie's game is a little off lately.
Well, Carmela sent
her branzino back Sunday night,
but she loves
to do that.
Gentlemen,
how's everything so far?
- Fantastic.
- Delicious.
The delay...
a thousand pardons.
I'm breaking in
a new guy on the line.
You seem set
for antipasto.
I gotta be honest... new guy
in the kitchen aside,
I mean, how come we're waiting?
It seems empty out there.
People like to
get in that last barbecue.
Artie, you been
to this "Da Giovanni" up by Troy Hills?
- No, I haven't been.
- Supposed to be incredible.
- He's a kid, right?
- I hate fish,
but his,
with the agrodolce...
I'll check it out.
- Ah, buon appetito.
- About time.
Fuckin' Phil.
Some display, huh?
Paid a visit
to Vito's goomar, Jill.
She still hasn't
heard from Vito.
We were just discussin'
"La Cage aux Fat."
I was gonna get my cousin Tommy
to call his detective friend.
I've been hamstrung with that work
stoppage at the office park.
Vito shows up... he shows up,
then we deal with him. If not...
It's just a phone call.
And seriously,
Tommy says the guy can track somebody
from the corn in his shit.
Yeah, I saw them
do that on "CSI."
- Good night.
- Bye, Sack.
- Bye now.
- Good night, kid.
Hey, I was glad to hear you say
that about the search,
'cause I gotta take a little time off
for some business in Cali.
Little Carmine's
lined up a meet in L.A. for us.
So, what is it,
business or time off?
Time off from here,
but definite business.
With Ben Kingsley, Ton'.
So you're gonna go
get an autograph
on the weekend
of the Notre Dame-Michigan game?
I got my guys all over it.
Little Carmine says
if we attach Ben Kingsley,
the picture's a go.
Little Carmine?
It's common knowledge
the guy's retarded.
I don't get it.
You agreed to this in the hospital.
Christopher,
I was in a coma.
Okay, fine.
I'll call Little Carmine,
call the airline, cancel.
I'll probably
still reach someone.
What am I gonna do
with you?
Make a lot of money.
All right.
What the fuck is this
idiot doing?
No speak English.
...Brooklyn.
Ho, pal.
Move your car. We're late.
Move el automobile.
Rusty! Don't forget
to call Marissa.
Hurry up. Let me see.
- Museum...
- Eastern Parkway.
Eastern Parkway,
not the Belt Parkway.
So I'm trying to eject the DVD
and the kids are freaking,
"What's wrong with that lady, Daddy?"
- And Carrie says...
- How's the scaloppine?
Uh, it's delicious.
Thanks.
It all depends on slicing
the veal very thin.
My way...
I like to chill it down
a degree or two
and then I pull a straight razor
right across it.
Your father could cook.
He told me when you were in here last.
75th birthday, right?
- In the navy.
- What's that?
In the navy, he cooked.
Terrific guy.
Great head of hair.
- You enjoy.
- Mmm.
Save room. I'll be back
with dessert specials.
Ho, Benny,
Moe and Jack.
How's the bruschett'?
You got a quorum.
Let me get you a table.
You guys go ahead.
I'm gonna stay right here.
My best customer,
but he's nailed to this fuckin' spot.
It's either the wine
or the view.
Such a sweet kid.
You know, she told Charmaine
that back in Albania
her whole family
got blown up
waiting on line
for an oil change.
The shit she's been through,
we just had to help.
I even called in a favor with my cousin
in Manhattan,
got her a working visa,
started on the green card.
Martina,
come do some hosting.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's up?
This is your cheering
section over here.
- Hello, Benny.
- You got the reservations squared away?
It's very few
right now.
Football season.
I could watch her
walk away all night.
Good, 'cause like most girls with you,
that's what she's gonna do.
Ah, to be young
and single again like these two,
- huh, Benito?
- Ahh.
I can put the credit card numbers on
actual plastic
for an extra five bills.
We do Internet strictly.
Mmm, the gnocchi!
I'll take your word.
It's a little too rich for my stomach.
It's okay.
Just a bite.
I think it's
a lamb ragu
with just a scoop
of cold rigott'.
Holy shit.
It's all so fresh.
That fish with pistachios?
I feel like a traitor.
Vesuvio, lately,
it's depressing somehow.
Maybe they need to remodel
or something. I don't know.
That menu
is so tired.
- Hey, Homo Junior!
- Leave me the fuck alone!
Get... stop it!
Mom, they're hurting Vito!
- Stop it!
- Where are your parents?
I guess she can't hide
her face at home.
It'd be like admitting
there was something wrong.
I should have brought
a pair of sweatpants
to change into.
I'm gonna explode.
Apparently,
there is still a veal loin
yet to be unveiled.
Please, don't get up.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
That kid,
I'm tellin' you...
Thank you.
...he was so handsome in that church.
The name he took, "Francis"...
after my pop.
No restaurants in Brooklyn?
You gotta come all the way to Jersey?
This food... it's worth a detour.
Why? Is there a problem?
Artie's a friend of mine, you know?
I like to throw him some business.
Talk to you a minute?
Visited with John.
He said to tell you
he appreciates the recent headlines.
Rusty.
I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
I turned him down
on that.
Madonn', you're
a cautious man.
You know, some people might feel
a little offended.
Me... my heart
is an open book.
Anyway, Rusty's gone
and we'll chalk it up
to the headless horseman.
Giovanni.
Bravo!
Martina was just
tellin' me
that in Montenegro
I'd be the tallest guy.
Another fun fact
from the Balkans.
Ben, are you up
for dessert?
No, I'm all set here.
Thanks.
Martina, sweetheart,
can I talk to you
for a second?
What is it, Artie?
You're looking at me
very serious.
You remember I had
that friend in Manhattan
that was gonna help speed you through
the green card process?
Apparently,
it's not happening.
- Why?
- Too much on his plate, he said.
I guess you're just gonna
have to do it yourself. I'm sorry.
All those forms.
Shit me.
I wish I could help you,
but really,
it's a small inconvenience compared
to living in freedom, right?
Yes, I know this.
Get him another 'buca.
Hey, Tony.
You could fuck her,
you know?
Well...
I'm not 100%
in that department,
but I'm startin'
to feel the old pressure.
It's funny,
'cause guys like me, we come here,
we get drunk
and stare.
Best-case scenario, we go
in the back room, we get a lap dance
a dry hump and pfft...
blow in our pants.
Listen, you wanna fuck her so bad,
I'm sure it could be worked out.
Nah, I couldn't.
But you...
Well, what do you
want me to say?
Nothing.
It's just a fact.
If I knew you were gonna be
in such a pissy mood...
Gabriella Dante and Rosalie Aprile
came in for lunch yesterday.
So what, you wanna fuck
one of them now?
No.
Gab said you all went and had a meal
at Da Giovanni on Sunday.
Well, I was gonna
tell you.
It was Phil's grandson's confirmation.
It's a pain in the ass.
What are you gonna do?
You gotta eat.
It's nothing' special,
believe me.
Actually, Carm got a little sick after.
Too much oil, she thought.
Gab said
I should check it out,
like I could learn
something.
Well, she runs her mouth,
that one.
Fuck her.
Carm got sick.
Nice touch.
It was a business
obligation, Artie.
Uh-oh. Last time I heard that,
I had to call the fire department.
Well, maybe you need another fresh start
to fuck up.
I should go.
- Oh, come on, come on.
- No.
- I'm sorry. Have another one, come on.
- Forget it.
I know where
your heart is.
I gotta plan
the menu for tomorrow.
Fasanella,
my old man's a meat guy.
He said that the restaurant business
was like keeping an elephant.
It costs a fortune and sooner or later
it shits on your head.
I miss him.
Hector had to trim
three inches off the fiorentinas.
Great. We can't even get
the good meat anymore.
Fucking Western Beef
is leaving us for dead.
I wanted you to call
their guy, but you were on the floor
talking to the Cohens'
mother-in-law.
You can't deal with the Western Beef
guy yourself,
my blushing flower?
It's not
the same from me.
And Arthur,
the chatting
with the guests...
Again, that's it.
It's not Hector or the meat
or these assholes
that are always looking
for the next hot thing. It's me.
Limit it to a quick
visit at coffee.
People wanna talk
to each other, not you.
Really? You know better
than New Jersey Zagat...
"Arthur Bucco,
warm and convivial host"?
Yeah, we're here
right now.
Sure, the broad strokes.
Perfect.
Kingsley's agent says
we grab lunch tomorrow, poolside.
- That guy, Jay?
- Yeah, I got him out of some trouble
on a party yacht
down in the Keys.
Ben Kingsley, can he do
a New Jersey accent?
Welcome
to the Viceroy.
I usually send
the bags up, hit the bar,
decompress a little,
unless you're against it.
- What are you talking about?
- You're in AA.
You gave the stewardess an earful
when she put down the champagne.
I just don't wanna make you feel
uncomfortable.
Relax.
I can deal with it.
Be careful
with this wine,
because the way
you two are looking at each other,
pretty soon
we're gonna have to...
put a high chair right here.
Did you clip the daily-special cards
to all the menus?
Hey, Artie,
come here.
You ready to order?
Why you kicking
her ass like that?
If you're referring
to the fact that she's my employee
and I'm telling her what to do, last
time I checked, that's the way it works.
She thinks you want her to cry.
I said not true.
She told you that?
'Cause you two
talk all the time.
- Yeah. So what?
- So, maybe you should hire her.
I know
how to treat people.
- You're a people person, obviously.
- I am.
And when they're good to me,
they get treats.
And when they're not,
well, I got this severance thing I do.
It's a complete break,
actually.
I get it.
See, 'cause you talked around that
threat so much, I almost missed it.
Sorry to interrupt
you guys,
but, Arthur, you have
to plate the salmon.
Arthur, the kid
is a hood, okay?
If he feels protective
of his girlfriend,
you should just
leave it alone.
She's a slow learner.
She's a nice girl,
and as predicted,
the customers love her
with her little stories
from the old country.
You are just
picking on her.
It's disgusting.
He's a married man.
So it's 500 for the hour,
300 for half.
And if you wanna keep
skiing, that's extra.
All right, Eden,
how's about 400 for 40
and four more lines
and then we'll take it from there?
That'll work.
Fuckin'-a.
Those are
some amazing tits.
Thank you, sweetie.
Carlo's running late.
Route 23, they think there's a sniper.
Listen,
the other night...
it's this place.
You know, the rope's
a little tight
at my collar.
Down 40%
from last year.
- You need a little help?
- From you? God no.
Oh, there's the gratitude
I was looking for.
No, I mean I'm not
at that point, thank God.
But thank you.
Well, listen, the other day
I was driving along
and I was thinking
about your little problem.
How about a little promotion?
A coupon, two-for-one?
Two-fers, wow.
You mean, like you get
a free spaghetti and meatballs
if you bring another cheap gomer
douchebag in here?
How about an early-bird special?
Salad wagon?
This is a fine dining establishment.
I'll give it back to the bank
before I turn it
into a fucking IHOP.
Just send the waiter
over here.
You wanna help me so badly?
Try paying your tab.
- Excuse me?
- That little roast
you and the waste management people
threw for Dick Barone when he got sick...
40 fucking garbagemen
from around the country.
Of course you paid
Pat Cooper.
You paid
the entertainment.
Afternoon. We're looking
for Arthur Bucco.
- That's me.
- Dave Kloski. This is Jim Hollings.
American Express?
Funny, I had you two for cops.
In a past life.
Actually we're here to investigate
some recent irregularities in charge
activity here at Nuevo Vesuvio.
"Nuovo."
Irregularities?
Well, there is credit card fraud
going on in this restaurant.
- That's impossible.
- Based on cardholder disputes,
we show nine hits in this locus
that precede fraudulent activity.
- What does that mean?
- People's card numbers were copied
and those numbers were used to rack up
thousands of dollars in phony charges.
Wait, you think I'm ripping off
my own customers? That's insane.
Were these meals
actually served?
Shit.
Councilman Carillo?
That was just two weeks ago.
So you understand
we have to suspend
the use of our cards here
pending an investigation.
Suspend?
You're cutting me off?
What's going on?
They're from Amex.
No more charges.
- What?!
- Someone's stealing!
Guys, this is like 30%
of my business here
and I can't fucking
spare it right now!
Artie, please don't curse.
The minute you use profanity,
you give them the high moral ground
to do whatever they please.
We need copies
of your reservations
and a list of anyone who has access
to customer plastic.
I'm just asking, Jay.
Well, tell me again.
Why am I meeting
with these chaps?
Oh! Oh, bollocks, Jay.
Uh... bollocks!
Oh, please.
Anyway, we appreciate
that your time
is less than limited,
so I'll cut to the chase.
Log line..."The Ring" meets
"The Godfather."
Wiseguy... murdered,
I guess you could say...
seeks revenge on the man
who ordered it.
You would play that man.
Which man?
Who are we kidding here?
You're Ben Kingsley.
You'd play the boss.
I heard this idea...
I call Jay and I say,
"Sir Ben Kingsley,
no one else."
Well, you know, as ever,
it's script-dependent.
Oh, we got a sensational
writer... JT Dolan.
I'm embarrassed.
I haven't heard of him.
He's from TV...
"Nash Bridges," "Hooperman,"
and "Law & Order,
the SUV."
So there's a script?
We wanted to surmise
your interest
and then tailor the part
to your specificities.
No one plays a tough,
ruthless, hardhearted prick like you do.
You got it down,
trust me.
I take that
as quite a compliment.
Sure.
"Sexy Beast"?
Now, we do have
a shortlist of directors.
We could go A-list
down the horror genre...
Ridley, Tobe Hooper.
Or we could try to find
the next James Wan. He did "Saw."
Did you see that?
Fuckin' brutal.
Betty?
It's Ben.
How are you?
What on earth
are you doing out here?
Oh, I don't know.
OH.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
Miss Lauren Bacall.
Lauren, this is Carmine Tazzi
and Christopher...
...Moltisanti.
Huge fan.
- Thank you.
- "Lupertazzi."
You were great
in "The Haves and Have-Nots."
Oh yes, dear Howard Hawks.
Thank you.
I'm a presenter
at one of these award shows...
ShoWest,
some bullshit.
Oh, I did one of those years ago,
after "Death and the Maiden," I think.
They do take good care
of you, though.
I have shiatsu
in about 10 minutes.
- Wow.
- But let's catch up.
Absolutely.
Great to see you.
- Thank you.
- As always.
- So nice meeting both of you.
- Enjoy your success.
Uh, that reminds me,
I have a scheduling problem.
This meeting was last minute
and I'm supposed to be
at the Luxury Lounge
at 2:00.
Yeah, but we haven't even gotten
to the particulars yet.
We'll walk with you.
I think this is
going very well.
You okay? You seem
a bit distracted.
It's fucking Sir Ben Kingsley is all.
Lauren Bacall.
- Yo.
- Murmur, I'm chipping here major.
Get on a plane.
Sir Ben Kingsley
and... guests.
Janine will
take you around.
Hi, Janine.
Ben Kingsley.
We're offering
the full services
of the spa today,
including massage.
Listen, we're thinking about Sam
Rockwell for the younger guy.
- Is that a good chemistry for you?
- Hmm.
May I offer you
champagne?
Maybe later.
This is Yael from Cosabella Lingerie.
Sir Ben Kingsley.
I'll take an extra large
in these.
For a man, White & Warm is giving
this cashmere throw,
great for the airplane,
and here, one for the car.
- Thanks, Yael.
- They charge this shit to the room?
- Hmm?
- This is Carla from Oris.
Men's and women's,
sporty and dressy.
A lot of guys are going
with the classic stainless chrono.
Oh, my godson would love that.
He's having his birthday in three weeks.
- But for me...
- This is elegant.
- Really is.
- Take the chrono too?
- Are you sure?
- Of course.
Is all
this shit free?
I'm gettin' that.
"True Crime,
New York City."
Pam has
a huge crush on you.
Thanks, Pam.
So Kingsley,
they do this all the time?
- It's Sir Ben, actually.
- Sorry.
A couple of times a year,
mainly clustered around award seasons.
How is that even
fuckin' possible?
I know.
It's embarrassing, isn't it?
- I know I have one of these.
- Shelly from iRiver.
I don't know
if you have this one.
It's got 20 gigs of space
in a tiny package.
That's 80 hours of video
or 600 hours of music.
Shelly, can I get
one of these?
- Here you go, Sir Ben.
- Thank you, Shelly.
Sir Ben, you've got
a meeting with Doug in 10, so...
Hey, guys,
looks like I ate up
all our time here.
What do you say
we catch up in New York?
You got a lot
of tables left.
We're gonna make
that work, Sir Ben.
They're giving away
a Caddy over there!
Well, no, it's just a test-drive
for a couple of weeks.
You know, my family
gave me some sunglasses for Christmas
so why don't you
have these?
I bet they'll look
great on you, Chris.
I don't know.
You think?
Sir Ben, can we get
a shot?
The thing, the Arabs.
Chris wanted me
to take care of you while he's away.
Cecil B DeMoltisanti
there.
- This is one week?
- Yeah, Murmur caught some big ones.
You're going to see your girlfriend
over at Vesuvio?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh...
Give this to Artie.
Put it on my tab.
We're not here
to accuse anybody,
'cause Mainie and I
like to think of you all as family.
And this is
very serious.
It is, but know
that as family
you'll be treated
with respect
and, if need be,
forgiveness.
Hector,
and you, mustache...
You got
something to say?
We have no intention of pressing
charges. It's just gotta stop.
That's all we want.
Any questions?
Understand this is not
about a 42-oz. jar of Moroccan olives
or a couple of rolls
of toilet paper here.
- This is our livelihoods.
- Are you looking at me?
Nobody's looking
at anybody.
- I didn't take the toilet paper.
- But the olives?
I'm joking here.
I'm just saying
if you don't come clean to us,
those investigators,
well, they just might
question the honesty
of somebody
that wears a coat
- pulled from the lost-and-found.
- Fuck this!
- No, fuck you!
- Arthur...
I don't know which one of
you pieces of shit did this,
but I've been good to you!
...getting us nowhere.
And you pay me back
with nonstop ass-rape!
Well fuck all of you!
You know what?
Just forget it.
I... I'm so sorry,
everybody.
Um, could you just get this cleaned up
so we can open? Thanks.
No no. It's very bad.
They had
the credit card police.
Those companies
are huge.
They come on tough,
but in the end, they gotta eat it.
Okay.
Everything okay
in there?
For once I'd like to eat
without you getting a call from work.
Ah.
God damn it.
Motherfucker.
Arthur!
What do you want, a repeat performance
of the Fourth of July?
That cop told you,
no firing guns in
the borough limits.
I brought those
arugula seeds
all the way back from Italy
in my shaving kit.
Eden, get the fuck out of there!
- Fuck off.
- I wasn't going through your purse!
I was movin' it
and it fell.
Go fuck yourself,
you guinea bastard!
Good afternoon,
Mr. Moltisanti.
Room 812, please.
- Yes.
- Hey, Sir Kingsley.
It's Chris Moltisanti
from yesterday?
I spoke with Jay
and he's working on that
New York meeting right now.
Fine, but that's not
what I'm calling about, though.
That Luxury Lounge thing,
can you get me in there?
I don't know. My publicist
handles all that stuff.
- So, can you call 'em?
- I don't know
how my publicist
can help you, you know?
All right.
Yeah, in the city then.
My partner went back.
Friend of his died
recently. Guy's wife
is having a breakdown.
He'll call you.
That's security, Eden!
They're gonna blow that door open!
Fuck you!
- Fuck.
- I know, I gotta get it together.
Black truffle doesn't have the intensity
of white so you gotta use more.
I'll be at my investing club
at the Learning Annex with my cell
if you have to call,
but try not to.
Sandy,
about the meeting...
- Oh, everybody knows you're upset.
- I know.
But Alonzo's coat,
you told me that in confidence.
I thought you
needed to know.
I also think... well,
it's probably nothing,
but yesterday Martina
was showing off these Caovilla sandals.
I know she makes
more than me,
but they cost
like $600.
You should get back
to the coatroom.
Hold on a second.
I wanna ask you something.
- I knew it.
- I'm sorry. I'll pay you back.
- How could you do this to me?
- You were so mean to me.
Like helping you find the apartment?
Teaching you to drive?
As soon as you found out I wasn't going
to fuck you, you started picking on me.
I wanna fuck you? You certainly have
a high opinion of yourself.
You stare at me
like food.
Well I never
fuck you.
- I go to Benny and we laugh at you...
- Benny.
...when I fuck him
in the pile of money
that we take from
your stupid customers.
You're fired.
Oh yeah?
Oh, who's laughing now?
What do you think? I can't press charges
'cause of my friendship with Tony?!
Three months
you worked here!
You think that doesn't go
on your permanent record?!
We lead the world
in computerized data collection!
Artie, you know
what time it is?
- We need to talk.
- Now?
My wife is pregnant.
She needs to sleep.
Martina told me about your little
credit card business.
Step outside, Ben.
I'll be outside
a minute, honey.
Look.
You're upset,
all right?
But it's not my fault
that little trick got greedy.
Oh, so she's
a little trick, huh?
I was gonna cut you in,
but now you're acting stupid.
Regular people are
all fucking stupid.
You want some more?!
Piece of dogshit!
Little, crazy,
motherfucking
meatball dogshit!
Yeah, I'm stupid.
Ho! There he is.
How you doing?
- Great, thanks.
- This is Murmur.
- You heading to the pool?
- Massage.
Oh.
Listen. You get a chance to call about
that Luxury Lounge for me?
Well, it's like
I explained...
there's nothing very much
I can do about it.
- They decide whom they give it to.
- Very important people,
like you, right? 'Cause you're a very
important person.
To them, I guess.
Murmur's an interesting name.
What's the genesis?
I had a heart murmur
when I was a kid.
They just keep
handing stuff out, huh?
The coolest shit
in the world
to the people
who need it the least.
Look. I think you've
misunderstood something.
I give most
of that stuff away
to homeless shelters,
the rest I give to charity auctions.
- Not to your godson?
- I agree with you,
the whole thing's obscene,
and it's nothing
compared to the situation
at award shows.
Presenters get about $30,000 worth of
merchandise
in those baskets.
That's a year's salary
for some people.
Go figure.
Hopefully we can spread
some of that lolly around.
We'll get you
that script.
Hell of a tub here, guys.
Sea, sun. I'm gonna
make it my second home.
- Anybody else hungry? Huh?
- We'll get lunch started.
- Artie, another margarita?
- I could say no, but I won't.
You lost
your fucking mind?
The shit you're in with that kid,
which you brought on yourself.
Brought on myself?
Oh, I suppose you let
a certain element into your world,
you're asking for it.
- Oh!
- Jesus fucking Christ, Tony,
how could you pull
that scam at my place?
Come on, you know I never would've
let that happen if I'd known.
You're innocent, I get it.
I'm just another victim
- of Benny Fazio, criminal mastermind.
- That's right.
And once you found out,
instead of putting him in the E.R.,
you should've come to me.
He says he's gonna kill you, Artie.
I can't take
American Express now, Ton'.
You know what that means? I have
to start with the fucking two-fers.
My accountant insisted.
Are you happy?
Life's not fair.
Right, I know.
But somehow I believed my dad's crap
about honest work.
He used to say
to me, "You'll see.
Pays off in the end."
What a joke.
I hate to see you like this,
you know that.
'Cause you start
thinking crazy shit.
Who's hungry?
- Yeah?
- Ben Kingsley passed.
Fuck.
You know, I tried
to be his friend,
I sent a muffin basket
with the script,
I tried everything.
You can kill me after
if you want,
- but he's a fucking dead man.
- Calm down, Ben.
He came to my house,
Tony, where my wife was watching TV.
My wife, who's carrying
my unborn son.
I'm gonna take him to
that warehouse in Paterson
- and drive fucking...
- Nails into his balls. I know.
I heard you
the first time.
- You're having a son, huh?
- They showed us his cannoli
on the ultrasound
like a month ago.
That's beautiful.
Oh, congratulations.
Thank you.
I'm gonna tell you
this once...
it's over.
You drop it.
And frankly you should be very happy
I'm not gonna tax you.
I mean beside the fact you know
I grew up with the man,
you don't shit
where you eat.
And you really don't shit
where I eat.
I know, and I'm sorry
about that, but...
And your parents'
anniversary party?
It's not going to be at Da Giovanni's.
It's gonna be at Vesuvio.
What? Tony,
look at my face.
He's going to apologize
to you, and give you a rate.
He's hurtin' too.
And it's the least you can do.
Well Ms. Bacall, your limo
is second in line there.
Oh, well I can take it
from here.
- You sure?
- Yeah, thank you so much.
- Okay, you're welcome.
- Good night.
Night.
- Get the fuck away from me!
- What are you doing?!
Somebody help us!
Those guys!
Ms. Bacall,
don't move.
Yes, an ambulance
by Robinsons-May.
Oh Jesus,
my fucking arm.
- Hmm?
- No.
There's a line outside.
Okay, push the scampi. Wholesaler
says they gotta get eaten tonight.
And don't spread out too much. We still
got the Fazio party in the banquet room.
Okay, Sandy.
Open the door.
Hello. Welcome.
Do you have
low-salt selections?
Ahem...
Ma, Pop,
order whatever you want.
I'm having
that loin of veal.
That's
the other place, Ma.
This the young couple?
Yes, my mom and dad.
Cent'anni!
- Hundred years!
- Cent'anni!
Well, I hope you all enjoy.
You're all set for wine, cocktails?
- Nothing?
- Fine, thanks.
Benny, can I get
you a Martina?
- Excuse me?
- A Martina.
It's like a Martini,
but it's from Albania.
Hmm. I never heard
of it.
Well, apparently
they go down real easy.
Right, Ben?
We're gonna look
at the menu.
Good enough.
- You order for me.
- Fine. The monkfish.
There's such
a strange consistency.
- Ow!
- In front of my wife?!
Fuck!
Jesus! Fuck, my hand!
Shit! Oh God!
Oh fuck!
Fuck! My hand!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God, Arthur!
Somebody call 911 please!
Look at this.
I had no idea.
I'd have booked another flight.
Fuck.
Where is everybody?
My father-in-law
don't wanna come.
Him and Carm
aren't speaking.
- How's the meathook?
- Had to be my fuckin' saute hand, huh?
Why, you got an okay
crowd here today.
Sunday pasta's
the last thing to go.
The place is on life-support
ever since word got out
to the regulars
about their credit cards.
And my staff is pissed off
about Martina leaving.
Benny did a real
number here, Tony.
Who knows?
Maybe it's cursed. The fire, then this.
Will you stop talkin'
like an old lady?
- Artie.
- No go, huh?
He's just
being dramatic.
- How are you, sweetie?
- Better.
And Carm,
the flowers...
Tonight, only the best
for the best people.
Hmm, that's excellent.
Hey, be careful you two,
because the way
you two are looking at each other,
pretty soon we'll have
to put a high chair over here.
Like the icing on a cake, okay?
Capisce?
Keep your thumbs
out of the food.
We gotta talk
about your problem.
Oh, great.
Another idea.
How 'bout a strolling accordionist?
I'm gonna give you the name
of a good psychiatrist.
She's Italian.
You'll like her.
You know what?
You go about in pity for yourself.
- I go about in pity for myself?
- Yeah.
I gotta tell you,
Bodhisattva,
that is fucking
priceless.
Use the other door.
You bitch and you moan
and you blame
everybody else
for your problems,
instead of maybe... not letting
the Mexicans do all the cooking for you
or, I don't know, changing the menu
or changing the decor.
I guess because you know how to eat,
you know how to run a restaurant.
On one of the bleakest
nights of my life,
after the shit with my
mother and that fuckin' storm outside,
I came here
to this place.
I sat out there
with Carm and my two kids
and we ate and we drank
and we were so happy to be here,
more than any other
place in the world.
And you know I'm gonna
eat here until I fall off the chair.
But in business,
sometimes shit happens.
The playing field
changes, whatever.
And you gotta do whatever you gotta do
to keep your dick up.
If you hate it here so much,
why don't you go to Da Giovanni?
See if he'll cook you that bland shit
for your shot-up pancreas.
I'll tell you one thing
and this is very hard...
nobody wants
to hear you talk.
They're trying to eat out there
and you come along
with your corny jokes
and your stupid stories.
Just stay
in the kitchen.
That'd be a start.
Hey.
You wouldn't believe
what these people in the business get,
totally fuckin'
absolutely gratis.
Yeah, I hear the streets
are paved with hand jobs.
Right. I scored
some major swag.
A little taste for you.
Trip to Australia,
first-class vouchers,
some kind of
golf resort.
Looks like Sarasota.
After what,
a 20-hour flight? No.
That's for a pocket dog.
How'd it go
with the movie star?
He was all over us,
but I don't think he's right.
We made some great contacts.
Plus we saw Lindsay Lohan.
Total piece of ass.
You hear Artie
burned his hand?
Yeah. Him and Benny.
How crazy is that?
- He okay?
- A layer of skin
came off his hand
like a glove.
But, they said, you know,
no scarring, no grafts.
- Lucky.
- Hmm.
Well, not for nothin'.
I couldn't help but thinkin'
if you were here
watching your crew,
things wouldn't have gone
the way they did.
You let me go, T.
I asked you. Now it's my fault Artie
and Benny got into it?
This is what I was concerned about,
Christopher, the loss of focus.
Look...
not many guys have had to make
the kind of sacrifice I did.
How many times you gonna play
the Adriana card?
Sandy just seated
a couple.
Kitchen's closed.
He said they were supposed to go
to the city but they had car trouble.
Hector already left
to pick up his wife.
Plus I got nothing
back here, Charm.
They already opened
the bottle.
They're gonna have to eat
what I give them.
Arthur, a lot of people
don't like rabbit.
My grandfather's way.
Only with Proven?al elements
I been thinking about.
I thought you were taking
it to him at the home.
Okay... out.
I wanna get outta here tonight.
For my mom.
A store on the 57th street?
If you bought this in Naples?
The weak dollar.
Mont Blanc. Actually
cheaper in the U.S