The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 3, Episode 6 - University - full transcript

(SOPRANOS THEME SONG )

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

The guy on 13th street,
I told him, Go see Gigi.

You call Beansie?

Gigi, Beansie?

Us Italians, I think we're the only ones
that use nicknames to that extent.

No, your Chinese.

Nah.

Yeah, this violinist,
Yo-Yo Ma.

"Soubriquet"...

It's another word for nickname.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter, hon'?

Nothing.

Tony?

How you doing, sweetie?

Good, good.

I took Danny to the doctor
like you said.

My son.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Right, right.

How's he doing?

Good, you were right.

Just a chest cold,
not pneumonia, thank god.

Oh, great, great.

I'm glad to hear it.

I made you some bread.

You know, like a "thank you".

You didn't have to do that.

Oh, really, I wanted to,
it's datenut for breakfast.

Listen...

Tracee, right?

The bread's very sweet.

And you're a great girl.

Don't take this the wrong way,

But you can't be doing
stuff like this.

No good.

But I just wanted
to say thanks.

I know.

But I already got a family,
they give me gifts.

What we have is
an employer/employee thing.

Can't we be friends?

Well, I'm not so sure
that's such a good idea either.

'Cause, you know,
you and Ralphie...

Yeah, Ralphie.

I'm glad your kid's okay.

Let's go, Betty Crocker.

Bread.

So, Russell Crowe, I mean,
he's trapped, right?

They're gonna
sever off his head.

And he's telling them
how to do it?

I know, and then he yanks the sword
from that dude.

That was so phat.

What about when the guy gets
hit with that spike thing

And chunks of his head
go flying?

Enough already.

We're making conversation here.

People are trying to eat.

Thank you.

Why do you let him
watch this garbage?

"Erin Brockovich",
that was a nice one.

I didn't care for it.

You did too,
what are you talkin'?

( DOORBELL )

See who that is.

Since when did
I become the butler?

It's probably Jackie JR.,
he locked himself out.

No accountability, this kid.

What, people forget their keys.

There he is...

Fresh Prince of New Jersey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Don't get up, Don't get up.

I'll fix you a plate.

Sit down,
have something to eat.

No, I can't, Dino Zerilli's
out in the car.

You sure, something quick?

Why don't you go bring him in?

Next time.

I'll leave them in the mailbox.

That's alright,
we'll use my set.

I'll put them on the counter.

What am I,
the invisible man here?

Hey.

Hey, man, your sister around?

She decided to stay
at school and study.

Any message?

No, just, you know, hello.

Alright, I'm gonna
hit the road.

Sorry to interrupt your dinner.

Stay out of trouble.

So handsome.

Good kid.

Little pig-headed,
if you ask me.

Every advantage, this kid.
College, good home life.

I had to quit school
when I was in 11th grade

To help my mother.

Supposed to be an architect.

So...

When did you first notice me?

I don't know.

"History of film", I guess.

The way you talked, you know?

Turned around
to see who you were.

And?

Nothing.

What?

Say it!

No, no, no!

Leave me alone!

I'm not gonna stop
until you say it.

Okay, okay, wait.

I thought you
were cute, alright?

Ahh...

I knew it.

Ah, hello?

I'm sorry.

I just don't know
where else to go.

You guys hanging out?

We were.

You Okay?

I went over...

To see that movie
over at the student union.

Old, like, horror film
or something, "Freaks".

Tod Browning, 1932.

All these horrible people in it
with pointy heads and stuff.

This one guy had no legs.

He just hopped around
on his hands.

Caitlin...

We talked about this.

You can't keep exposing yourself
to things that upset you.

I know, it's just...

Why is other people's pain
a source of amusement?

Caitlin, what the hell
are you doing?

It's just a habit.

Well, stop it, alright?
You're gonna be bald.

It's obsessive compulsive.

I'm gonna head upstairs.

Don't go on account of me.

I have that
Poly-Sci paper anyway.

Please, don't be mad.

I'm not mad.

It's just you're
really moody, you know?

I think I miss my ferrets.

You gotta snap out
of this, Caitlin.

Maybe you need to
talk to somebody.

Yeah, well, I'm already
taking those buspar pills.

Well, maybe that's not enough.

Where are you going?

To the library.

See you later.

I'm sure coming here has been
a culture shock for her.

I mean, for us,
L.A., New Jersey,

We're kind of used to
the mean streets, you know?

Someone like Caitlin
from Bartlesville, Oklahoma...

New York's probably a little

Overwhelming.

Maybe we should try
and be patient with her.

What?

Nothing.

You're sweet.

Most guys wouldn't
even give a shit.

Well...

I'm not most guys.

Do you have a condom?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

A.J., call
Lindsey Blundetto.

Hi.

Hey, what are you doing home?
Don't you have class?

It's Friday,
only in the mornings.

I got a postcard
from the dentist.

It's time to
schedule a cleaning.

God, I just went.

Smells great, what is that?

It's a bundt cake
for A.J.'s fund raiser.

Nice shoes.

Ls daddy home?

He's upstairs.

What's with you, you seem...

What?

Nothing, I don't know.

Hey, you know what I read?

They're making
a movie with Eloise.

Oh, really,
that should be cute.

It's supposed to come out
around Christmas or something.

Remember at the plaza
that time?

That kid who kept
calling her Heloise

And I almost got
in a fight with her?

Yes, that little Spanish girl.

She was so annoying.

I can't believe
you even remember that.

You were like,
nine or something.

Hey.

Hello.

Anyway, so, when it opens,
we are so there, you and me.

I know you're excited to see me,
but try to control yourself.

So...

How is school, what's new?

Caitlin's still a pain.

She cries over
like, everything.

She probably misses
her family, the poor thing.

Thank god for Noah, though.

He's the only one
that can calm her down.

She started pulling
her hair out last night

'Cause she saw a scary movie.

She does it all the time now.

Her scalp is like, all raw.

Oh, my god.

Nothing a straight jacket
wouldn't cure.

Sorry, I forgot,
it's Mr. Sensitivity

Who doesn't have any
problems of his own.

I'm agreeing with you.

Like you have a clue.

Jesus Christ,
what the fuck already?!

Cut her some slack, tony,
she's under a lot of strain.

And you did start this.

Did you see?

How I didn't rise to the bait?

The mulignan?

A lot of good It did me.

Does anybody!

It's still going on!

( ROCK SONG PLAYING )

( KNOCKING )

Whoa, you're on
the poles tonight, honey.

Why the hell's Mandee in?

VIP work, VIP prices.

It's 50 bucks to me,
plus a blow job later on.

You know you're gonna make
at least half a "g" in there.

( ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES
TO PLAY)

Oh, look at that.

It's like an ad for
a fucking weight loss center.

Before...

And way before.

This guy ever stop
breaking balls?

Hear what I said, Ton'?

They're like an ad
for a weight loss center.

Before and after.

Come here.

I want to show you
where the horse bit me.

Hi, Tony.

Hey.

Look at this vision.

How you doing, sweetheart?

Hey, Ralph.

I have come to reclaim Rome...

- For my people.
- How you doing?

I have come to reclaim
Rome for my people!

I don't get it,
what do you mean?

Fucking "Gladiator", ya fuck!

Oh, the movie.

I didn't see it.

You're an asshole then.

Ho, ho, ho.

What do we have here?

What is this,
a handsome contest?

Ralphie.

Yo...

Behave you.

Hey...

Hey, baby, I was
wondering where you were.

Oh, oh, oh, fucking kiss me!

How many cocks
you suck tonight?

Go on.

Get me a drink.

Skipper!

Where's Tony?

Getting his weasel greased.

Oh, your kid brother's here.

Ralphie.

Word to the wise.

I'm just fuckin' around,
breakin' balls.

Yo.

I got a cousin who's a fag.

Oh!

Fucko!

This weekend...

Get the video.

There'll be a quiz next week.

They're gonna find this piece
of shit in the trunk someday.

We are all dead men,

As Russell Crowe said, ahh...

Hey, c'mon.

All we can do...

ls choose...

How we die!

That fucking hurts!

Nah,

All that fat?

He's out of control,
this oobatz.

Hey, Ralph.

C'mon, man.

( Clicking tongue )

Alright, c'mon.

Put it down, Ralphie, c'mon.

I am father...

To a murdered...

Son, husband.

Ralphie!

Murdered wife.

( Muffled arguing )

My vengeance.

(female screaming )

Jesus Christ!

Goddamnit!

( Male ) Ralphie!

C'mon!

( Male ) The fuck you doing?!

My fucking eye,
I'm blind, I'm blind!

The fuck's the matter with you?

What are you,
hopped up on something?

It was an accident.

What did you do?

Nothing, we were
fucking around.

It was an accident,
stop being such a crybaby.

Take him to the emergency room.

What?

Just take him.

C'mon, pussy boy-

Fucking stunad, this guy.

Did you like the bread?

What?

The datenut bread.

I have recipes...

Hey, sweetheart,
not now, alright?

I was up all night.

You could've called
or something.

Sorry, I didn't realize
I needed your permission

To visit my house.

I'm sorry.

It's just...

I kept having this image
of you in the hospital

With your throat cut.

I appreciate your concern,

But maybe you should focus
on your own problems, okay?

You know, there was
this thing on TV once

About that pilot,
Charles Lindbergh,

And about how his baby
was kidnapped and killed...

Jesus Christ, already!

Don't go.

I'm going to Noah's.

Well, at least
you have a boyfriend!

( DOOR SLAMMING )

Now she's got me all wound up.

Put her out of your mind.

Duh, if I could do that.

Maybe we should find her a guy.

Don't you have any friends?

Do you really think I'd subject
one of my friends to Caitlin?

I have an idea.

I think her birthday's
coming up.

Why don't we take her out,

Like to celebrate?

You mean like to live bait?

Get her drunk,
maybe it'll cheer her up.

Please, she's bad enough sober.

I bet I know what
would cheer you up.

Ch, yeah?

What?

Go to the fuse box.

In the cellar, Janice.

So, call the gas company,
what do you want from me?!

You chose to
live there, remember!

Well?

What do you think?

About what?

What am I looking at?

My teeth, I got braces.

What do you want, a parade?

Oh!

What did I tell you
about fraternizing?

I'm not, I was just
showing Tony my braces.

Yeah?

I didn't shell out
three crackers

For you to be
modeling your teeth.

Get to work.

C'mon.

Anything else?

Ralphie's the one sticking her,

Why don't he pay for her teeth?

It's a loan, I'm juicing her.

Usually it's fake tits
they want.

Yeah, well, she don't
need those, that's for sure.

That kid's a thoroughbred.

But, Madonn', those choppers.

A fucking train wreck.

Well, Happy Birthday to us all.

That was a barrel of monkeys.

That guy Jeff
kept staring at me.

What do you think?

You want to check out "smokes"?

I'm a little tired, you know?

Yeah, yeah, right.

It is getting a little late.

Oh, my god.

That is so sad.

The chairs,
the pears, the bears,

The social security cards.

C'mon, Caitlin.

We should give her some money.

Caitlin!

Excuse me, miss.

Miss!

Miss!

Oh, my god!

Not bad, chrissy.

Decent week.

Not bad?

I'm running ragged here.

If I wanted to work
18 hours a day,

I could get a job at Denny's.

Like they'd fucking hire him.

What, are you crying?

Keep it UP...

I'll give you
something to cry about.

Watch the braces, honey.

God, it was so horrible.

It's over, Caitlin, okay?

How can you be so callous?

That was the most
horrific thing ever.

It was a homeless woman with
"The Daily News" up her butt.

Every time I close my eyes,
I just keep seeing her.

Oh, my god.

Caitlin, why don't we go over
to the health center?

They'll help you.

They'll give you something
to calm down at least.

No.

No more drugs.

Caitlin, don't start
drinking, c'mon.

Listen...

I have to get up
really early tomorrow.

Josh is on the red eye
from L.A. and...

My friend, Josh, from Crossroads
High School, I didn't tell you?

No.

Sorry, I thought I did.

Anyway, he's coming in
and we're gonna head up

and see his brother
at Hampshire.

Try and get some rest, okay?

Where do you think
she sleeps at night?

( KNOCKING )

Hi.

When did you come in?

Just now.

Sorry, were you sleeping?

It's a good thing we're
paying for that dorm room.

It's Caitlin again,
I can't sleep there.

Forget about studying.

Like you were studying
at two A.M.

Noah and I took her
out for her birthday.

She's all depressed
to begin with

and then she starts
having conniptions

over this homeless lady
in the street.

And how are things with Noah?

He's going up to Hampshire
College with his friend from L.A.

He said he told me about it,
but I know he didn't.

Don't you think that's weird
that he would just do that?

I don't know,
I don't really know him.

And his friend, Josh, I mean...

I guess he's okay.

So, you two are
still dating then?

Is that a problem?

You started this conversation.

The hygienist from
Dr. Maceras called.

You never scheduled
your appointment.

I'm sorry, I forgot,
I'll do it.

And Jackie JR.
Says hello.

Noah's great, but he can
be odd, you know?

It's like...

One minute he's all affectionate
and then the next,

he's like a totally
different person.

Meadow, are you in love
with this boy?

I don't know.

I guess so.

At this point, I better be.

At what point,
what does that mean?

Sorry, but we are so not
having that conversation.

Tony?

You have a second?

I know you said
we can't be friends,

But there's no one else
I can talk to.

I'm pregnant.

It's Ralphie's.

Congratulations.

I don't know what to do.

He acts like
he doesn't give a shit.

Did you ever think
he's not acting?

Well, what should I do,
should I keep it?

I don't get involved
in affairs of the heart.

But if I have it...

You think he'll
help me support it?

Oh, sure, it'll be
father knows best over there.

Look, you want my advice?

You already got one kid.

Problems with that,
burning him with cigarettes,

Whatever the fuck
you were doing.

I got help for that,
I had a lot of repressed anger.

The county social worker
says it all goes back

To my mom and holding
my hand on the stove...

Whatever, okay?

Your age, your situation,

You need another kid like you
need a fucking hole in the head.

You're young, still got your
figure, you're making money.

So, you think I should
get an abortion?

Believe me,
with Ralphie as the father,

You'll be doing this kid and the next
three generations a favor.

Hey, Urban Outfitters
is having a sale.

We're out of syrup.

'Cause you use a whole
gallon at a time.

Shut up.

A.J.

You wanna go?

What do you need, shoes?

Shoes, some new tops.

I need underwear.

So, you wanna go or not?

I put your whites
in at 10:30.

I need to wait until
the dryer's free.

Let Lilliana do it.

Lilliana's off.

It's gonna be a zoo
by the time we get there.

( KNOCKING )

Meadow here?

She paged me,
she's at her parents.

Oh.

Want to hang out?

I'm writing my paper.

You mind if I just
sit and study then?

I'm fine, really, it's just...

You know, it's creepy
up there alone.

Um...

Alright.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

What are we, shod?

Who we missing?

Tracee.

Left sick on Saturday,
haven't seen her since.

For three days?!

Fucking twat.

I talked to my mom.

And she wants me to go
to Vermont this weekend.

For what?

Friends of my dad's.

Paul and lrione Dudley.

Paul's a psychiatry professor
at Dartmouth Medical School

And they have a horse farm
and ride and talk.

Paul's very inspiring.

Sounds good.

I just feel better already.

Irione is an amazing cook.

Now, if I just don't
get freaked out

By the sound of
the pine trees at night.

I'm going to Noah's.

This Moltisanti kid,
he's got his head up his ass.

This is a great
gladiator movie?

Look at Kirk Douglas'
fucking hair.

They didn't have flat tops
in ancient Rome!

What do you want
to drink, baby?

Get me a Fresca.

C-fucking-minus
and it's all her fault.

You know, six hours I'm trying
to work and she just won't stop.

Tell me about it.

The questions, the whining,

the crazy goddamn nonsense.

She starts crying about
her economics class.

She doesn't get it, so I give her
my notes from last year.

I'm talking primo notes,
I got an "a".

But even that's a problem.

She doesn't understand
my writing.

"What does this word mean?
Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Nothing's ever enough with her.

I mean, I know
I'm the R.A.

But technically she's not
even on my floor.

C-minus.

Really beautiful, Noah.

It's not that bad, okay?

I want options when
I graduate, meadow.

I'm going to law school
in two short years.

A c-minus
is fucked for me.

It's early in the semester,
you'll make it up.

Is that alright, honey?

Fine.

You know I take
care of you, right?

You, Danny.

Our gorgeous little baby.

( KNOCKING )

Who's that?

How the fuck should I know?

Ralphie, open up!

Ah, shit.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Ralphie!

Where's tracee?

She's busy.

Hey, Sill.

Put your shoes on!

Oh, what'd I say?

I don't know,
what'd you fuckin' say?

Three days she missed work.

I've been sick, Sil.

Ch, yeah?

I called your house.

Your mother says you haven't
been there for two days either.

I was here,
Ralph's taking care of me.

You got a little kid at home!

Her mother's watching him!

Mind your fucking
business, Ralph!

Oh, where do you get
the balls to come here?

Three grand
this cunt's into me,

And where do I get
my fucking balls?!

Go on, get out of here.

Let's

What's the matter
with you, huh?!

You know how many
girls would kill

for the opportunity you've got?

What, working for you?

Oh, go ahead, keep it up.

Give me a break,

In two seconds I could
get a job at any other...

Listen to me,
you little boochiac'.

Until you pay what you owe,

that shaved twat of yours
belongs to me!

You understand?!

I asked you a question.

Yeah, now, get in the car.

( LAUGHING )

And then I go to pour the milk
and the carton is empty.

I keep telling you,
it's not me, it's A.J.

Nice try, mister.

How about the football trance?

I swear to god, we can have
an entire conversation,

But if that TV's on, he's not
hearing a word I'm saying.

One time this happened.

Forget it, gab,

You might as well be
talkin' to the furniture.

Well, that's because men have
the attention span of children.

Sorry, honey, what'd you say?

This cake, Rosalie.

Really, R0, delicious.

The whole meal.

I'm glad we could reciprocate.

Hey, college boy, how's school?

Good, you know.

Crackin' the books.

Almost dean's list.

What's this, almost?

Give me his name,
no more almost.

I'm going out.

I'll probably end up
staying at Bobby's.

No drinking and driving.

C'mon, he knows
better than that.

Right, tough guy?

Yeah, whatever you say, Ralph.

Get lost.

Enjoy your youth.

I'm gonna kill you.

Why didn't you tell me
this place was so fancy?

Calm down, it's just my father.

Believe me, it'll be nothing
compared to meeting your dad.

There he is.

Hey.

Hey, dad.

Meadow.

This is my father, Len.

Hello.

Len Tannenbaum, please sit.

How was the flight?

Aside from Tim Daly
chewing my ear for an hour,

It was wonderful.

The guy from "wings",
you know him?

He did his deal for "fugitive".

Usually I enjoy
L.A. to New York.

Five hours
without interruptions,

It's the only time I get
to do some real work.

Unbelievable.

He flies first class,

personal DVD player
with any movie he wants

Never even opens the case.

Bad enough representing
these people,

I have to suffer
through their movies too?

God, it must be so exciting
being an entertainment lawyer.

Get to meet
all the celebrities.

It beats working for a living.

He's in town to
meet with Dick Wolf.

The sportscaster?

Actually, he's a TV producer.

"Special Victims Unit,
Law and Order".

"New York Undercover".

I used to love that show.

Good evening, may I offer you
a cocktail before dinner?

Guys, are we drinking wine?

Clos Pegase, the '94
if you've got.

So, meadow, what business
is your father in?

Actually, um,
he's in waste management.

Ah, toxic chemicals,
medical waste,

that sort of thing?

Yeah, sort of,
environmental cleanup.

Let's give a Big Bada Bing
welcome to Tracee.

Hey, that guy cut the line.

What's the matter?

I told Caitlin if we went
to the movies I'd call her.

I'm starting to feel bad.

I stopped feeling bad
the second I saw that grade.

Did I tell you my father's filing a
restraining order against her?

What?

You're kidding, right?

You obviously
don't know my father.

He totally freaked when
he heard about the C-minus.

Well, I mean...

Couldn't you try
talking to her first?

At this point?

She thinks we're her friends.

Well, you have to set limits.

The girl was ruining our lives.

Think about it, we couldn't do
anything without her horning in.

We certainly couldn't
take her to see this.

Mrs. Custer
grabs the artist,

"Oh!

"I tell you I want a painting

"Commemorating my husband's
last thoughts,

You give me cows with halos
and Indians making love?”

"Mrs. Custer,"
he says.

"Those are your husband's
last thoughts."

"Holy cow,

look at all
those fucking Indians."

( LAUGHING )

Oh, what, not even a hello?

Fuck you, asshole.

Oh, that's nice, very nice.

That's how you talk to a man
in front of his friends?

Yeah, right.

What man?

Oh, a double.

You tell him, sweetie.

I like this girl!

Women, women, women.

Why was I born handsome
instead of rich?

( DOOR CLOSING )

Leave me alone.

What's the matter with you?

What are you being
like this for?

Fuck you, three days you don't
call even to see how I am.

Baby, I'm busy, I gotta work.

How else am I gonna
take care of you

when you're
nine months pregnant?

You serious?

Of course I'm serious.

We'll get a little house...

In a cul-de-sac.

I know that guy
who's a mortgage broker.

Really?

Ralphie, I love you.

I love you too, baby.

Hey...

If it's a boy...

We'll name him after me.

If it's a girl, we'll name it
Tracee after you.

This way she can grow up
to be a cock sucking slob

just like her mother.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

Guinea motherfucking
piece of shit!

That's right, that's right,
get it all out.

Get it all out,
you little whore.

That make you feel good?

You feel like a man?

Look at you now.

Oh...

Give me a fucking drink.

What happened to you?

Tracee.

She slipped.

We were arguing, I don't know.

She fell.

Holy fucking shit.

Get a sheet, Chrissy,
cover that up.

Where is he?

Inside.

Go get him.

She fell?

That's my story.

You stupid motherfucker!

How fucking dare you!

Take it easy.

You don't think.

You disrespect this place.

That's the reason why
you were passed the fuck over.

It's my fault she's a klutz?

Motherfucker!

Are you out of your fucking mind
layin' your hands on me?!

He's the boss of this family!

Shut the fuck up!

I'm a made guy!

Ton', we gotta
get you out of here.

Is this place open?

No!

Get the fuck
out of here, Ralph!

Keep that back door locked!

And get her the fuck
out of here.

You got a rug,
a piece of carpet?

Cocksucker was way out of line.

20 years old, this girl.

That too.

Let's go.

What?

I think we need to talk.

I think that maybe we've been
seeing too much of each other.

And?

I don't know.

I mean...

I really like you, meadow.

It's just...

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

Are you breaking up with me?

Are you really that surprised?

Why, I mean...

Things were going so good.

Look, honestly,

You're too negative.

It's like you have
this underlying cynicism

about everything.

What are you talking about?

I really didn't
want to get into this.

So...

Things are better then?

Since our first session?

Yes, I guess.

We seem to talk more easily.

Sometimes even painful sessions
can break the log jam.

Yes.

And then this.

You're being
particularly quiet today.

Sometimes I got nothing to say.

Anthony.

Carmela is here.

She's giving up her time to
talk about your panic attacks.

A young man who...

Worked for us...

Baronet sanitation, he...

He died.

Who?

You don't know him.

He died, that's all.

Work-related death.

It's sad when they go so young.

How was the dentist?

God, is there nothing
to eat in this house?!

Who knows, maybe she quit.

I heard she went outside with
Ralphie and never came back.

Do yourself a favor,
keep what you hear to yourself.

Parties are usually
Friday night.

A lot of high rollers,
a lot of big tips.

You want in the VIP room?

It's 50 bucks to me
plus a blow job later on.

( POP SONG PLAYING )