The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 2, Episode 1 - Guy Walks Into a Psychiatrist's Office - full transcript

Pussy returns after months in hiding, Chris starts a boiler room stock operation, and Tony's long-lost sister shows up on the doorstep.

Okay, listen up.

This is the NASD Series 7
stockbroker's exam.

It will test your knowledge of stocks,
bonds and other securities.

If your last name starts with
A through L, you should be next door.

The exam is in two parts, each
part is three hours long...

...there will be a one-hour break.

As I call your name,
please answer "here."

- Martin, Samantha.
- Here.

- McClure, Peter.
- Here.

- Moltisanti, Christopher.
- Here!



Jesus Christ!

Can I talk to you?

- Where the fuck you been?
- We're gonna talk here?

- Come in the house.
- I got your word, I walk in...

...I'm walking back out.

I don't see you for all this time.

No word. Nothing.

This is how you come back?

Do I got your word?



You look good.

- Tan.
- Yeah, right.

The tan ghost.

You're a good guy, Tony,
but you abuse that jokey shit.

- What you gotta say to me?
- I'm back, Tony.

I'm tan.

I'm in a fucking tan nightmare.

What, you think I'm stupid?

I don't know it when every one of my
friends turns against me? Fuck!

All right, easy, okay?
I don't think you're stupid.

There was a fucking rat.

So you finger me?

You think I didn't know
what was going on...

...when you come to my house,
telling me you're my friend?

That's when I knew I was in trouble.

When out of the blue you start
telling me you're my friend!

- Oh, is that right?
- Anthony Jr., get up!

I think I'm sick!

You owe me the fucking explanation!
You know it!

Well, remind me never
to get sick again.

Never to have a serious illness,
because with you, Sylvio and Paulie...

...and all you pricks, weakness
spreads as fucking treason!

Fuck you! I don't want to hear
about your back anymore!

Who's your fucking boss, huh?
Who gets the explanation?

Am I supposed to trust you?
You off-the-reservation cocksucker!

It was a broad, Tony.
It was complicated.

- My back was for shit, you knew that.
- I don't want to hear about your back!

That's how we met.
This fucking "spondylolisth."

That's why I was popping Percocets
like freaking Jujubes.

So my doctor, he prescribes
this clinic for me in Puerto Rico.

I didn't exactly object,
given the vibes around here.

Go ahead, check.

- You don't tell your wife?
- That twat brought on most of this.

- How?
- Listen.

Down there I met this girl.

Twenty-six... acupuncturist. It was the only
thing that helped my sciatic nerve.

One thing led to another.

- You can't send one feeler to me?
- I'm gonna trust you?

Paulie? Take the word of a
degenerate cop over me?

Tony, who are you
talking to down there?


So why'd you come back, huh?
What changed?

Nothing changed. That's the problem.

Still got two kids in college.
One just got married, needs my help.

I gotta get my action back.

Oh, just like that?

I came to you, Tony.
I'm in your hands.

Bring up two cases of bottled water
with you, then!

Come here.

Come here, you fat fuck.

Hey, my back! I still gotta get
these frigging shots.

You fucking beached whale.


Want to pat this down too?

Come here.

Come on.

Don't ever pull this shit again.

- So your uncle's under indictment?
- 12 RICO predicates.

Who stepped up to run his crew?

Piss boy. Philly Parisi.

Oh, yeah, Philly.

Philly! Don't forget the pastries!

That's my favorite bag.
Don't lose it.

Yo, Philly!

Were you waiting long?

Not bad. We were late landing anyhow.
Thanks for doing this, Philly.

Coming off the lam,
every nickel counts.

These fucking cabs!

So how's Boston?

It was good to be back
for a while, then, you know...

Do I? That place is Scranton,
with clams.

So, what's been going on?

Same tale of woe...

What's this I hear about Tony
Soprano's mother, some accident?

- Had her in a nursing home.
- Get out of here.

This upset Junior no end.

When Junior come after him...

...Tony went to the home,
tried to suffocate his own mother.

You shouldn't spread that rumor.
That's some ugly shit.

Only telling you.

- Listen, you'd be fucking amazed.
- There's more?

No, what?

- He was seeing a psychiatrist.
- Tony?

Fucking broad from Montclair.


...this... who leads us now.

Here you go, kid.

There you go, you big mouth fuck!

It's done.

Maybe she's seeing someone.

You know, the way I see you.

See why she'd never tell me.

I'm afraid we have to stop now.

- When will your office be finished?
- My new carpet's not in yet.

I'm sorry. I know this is awkward.

My old therapist worked
out of his home.

That's... not convenient for me.


It's all over. Safe to go home now.

How'd you get this number?

Where are you calling from?

Are you watching me?

You know, Webistics would
be perfect for your portfolio.

I know you're on a fixed income but...

...with Webistics you could triple
your money in a year.

What time is it?

So, "E.F."
I'm listening.

It's fucking tedious, this shit.

Well, you are the boss.

If it's your executive decision
to go down the shore...

...fuck it.


Yo, Matthew.

I gotta take a meeting.
Keep things in control here.

Word up. Later, chief!

I shouldn't be telling you this.
Webistics is the next Yahoo.

We're only selling it to
preferred clients.

American Forestry? 191/2,
up 3/8. Very sound company.


Depends on whether you want to go
for growth or value.

We've got hundreds of mutual funds
to choose from...

You're supposed to push Webistics!

I was just giving them alternatives.

Webistics is our pick of the week.

Why? It's got a 3 million float,
the competition's robust and their...'s two years behind!
Your stock's a dog!


We say sell, you sell!
Don't think about it!

Please! Stop!

Hey! Stop that!

I'm still manager. This is
unacceptable. Where's Moltisanti?

I'm gonna make a call.
I know who runs this operation.

Get back in your fucking office.

Anybody else got a problem?

- Tony.
- Hey, counselor, how are you?

- How are you?
- Good.

- You look good.
- Thanks, have a seat.

- You want a drink?
- No.

Before we commence, a thousand
thank-yous for Webistics.

I sold off some of my Disney
to buy it.

My pleasure.

So, where do we stand this month?

Your uncle's petitioning to get out
on a medical, pending trial.

Let him.

- He thinks they might let him out.
- Maybe as a temptation for you to act.

Since you're at the helm, it gets
back to putting up bigger blinds.

Limiting your exposure to
potential RICO boo-boos.

Only way to run a family these days
is bunker-style... peer out through the slit.

Excuse me.


You're not gonna believe this.
Your sister's here.

- Barbara?
- No, Janice.

- You're shitting me.
- No.

I wonder what the scam is.

I'm gonna be 5 grand lighter before
she rain-dances back to the commune.

Tell her she can stay.

Are you sure?


We'll get Barbara, Tom and the kids
and make a reunion out of it.

- But obviously...
- Your mother isn't welcome.

Give Janice my love.

See you later.

- My sister's here from Seattle.
- Nice.

Where is he?

Let me pinch those bulldog cheeks.
Come over here!

- Puerto Rico?
- Yeah.

That water down there. You think
you'd have shit some weight off.

You say we were gonna crab the
river looking for him?

- What's the matter with you?
- Tony explained it.

- Listen to this.
- You heard about Jimmy Altieri?

Flipped, fucking asshole.

- Had two when they buried him.
- So, all my money on the street...

...all those payments,
I guess just evaporated?

We made your pickups for you.

Thanks, Paulie. I mean that.

No shit.

- They all paid up to the letter?
- Few things got lost in the confusion.

You can picture.

Did what we could with the
information we had.

Boss of the family
deserves the credit.

- Salute!
- Salute!

- Hey, Silv.
- What?


I've been gone a long time.
Let me hear it.

"Just when I thought I was out,
they pull me back in."

"All right, Kay.

Just this one time, I'll let you
ask me about my affairs."

"Is it true, Michael?"


"You fucking schifosa."

"Our true enemy has yet... reveal himself."

He's on a roll!

I gotta get the fuck out of here!

Oh, Tony, I hate to ruin the party.

Got a call from Loiaco
down at brokerage.

"Chip and Dale" sent one
of the brokers...

- the emergency room.
- Oh, fuck me! These kids!

My fucking nephew, right?

You call him and tell him
I want to see him right away.

It all checks out.

Puerto Rico, the clinic.
All that shit, from what I can tell.

- How was the guest bed, sleep okay?
- Great.

Except usually I bring my own
pillow. Ergonomic.

Got ripped off at a bus stop
in Rapid City.

Linoleum's not good enough no more?

Look who decides to join us!
My little brother.

- How you doing, Jan?
- Good.

- "Parvati."
- I'm her brother, I get a pass.

You look good.
You look like a teenager.

- My therapist says I'm regressing.
- Your therapist?

- Who pays for that?
- State of Washington.

- Total disability.
- Oh, yeah...

- ...the Epstein-Barr.
- Was.

Carpal tunnel from my last job.
Steam milk machine.

No worse pain.

I stayed up waiting.
When did you get in?

Late, you know, morning.

What's that smell?

Miso soup with seaweed.

She was telling us about Seattle.

I better not see those
grunge pants on you.

- Dad, how do you stay so hip?
- I'll be back in a sec.

Don't let your father near my soup.
He makes fun...

...but he'll eat anything
that's not locked away.

Don't see her in years
and you start in on her diet?

Believe me, she gives as good
as she gets.

Give me a hit off that.

Oh, ho! Who's in charge here?

You look sensational, Janice,
really. You know, not a line.

- Beautiful kids. You must be proud.
- Yeah, how about that, huh?

Even with our genes.

So, you still with that... Adolf?


No. Rolf went back to Andorra.

- You seem good. Mood-wise.
- Yeah, things are very good nowadays.

How are things really with Ma?

She's dead to me.

I don't want to get in your way.

You stayed and took the brunt.

Barb and I, we're never gonna forget.

You forgot it okay for about 20
years. At least Barb pitched in.

I've made my share of mistakes. But
Ma can't stay in the hospital forever.

I'll tell you about her stroke.
It's called a conversion reaction.

It's a big opera brought on by
repressed rage. It's bullshit.

No infarc-whatever-the-fuck.

But the symptoms were the same
as a stroke... she can't take care of herself.

She's on the lam in that hospital.
From me.

Who did what to who,
it's not my business.

Mom is bewildered. I mention you
and her eyes fill up with tears.

Oh, boy!

I'm not asking you to step in, Tony.

It's my turn now. That's why I came.

She's a strega. She's the devil.

She was. Now she's just a confused,
frightened old woman.

So, look, all I need is
a couple hundred bucks... fix her car so I can get back
and forth to the hospital.

Then I'll take her to Seattle.
I'll stay in her house meanwhile.

Oh, I doubt that.

- I just put her house on the market.
- Oh.


I'm glad you're here. Okay?

You want to play Florence Nightingale,
that's your choice.

Only this is the last time
we mention her in this house.


Hey, T!

Seven and Seven, over here.
Whoa, what's the matter now?

Loiaco called. Your two friends
beat the shit out of a broker.

- Two others quit.
- He was pushing some other stock!

It attracts negative attention.

Then the fucks rip off
a Porsche from our own building.

- I'll call them.
- No, you'll go down there. Now.

What did you get your license
for, your résumé?

I told you, spend more time
down at the brokerage.

You're the SEC compliance officer,
for chrissake!

You gotta exercise impulse control.

Okay, Ton. I'm sorry.


All right.

- I can't show it in this condition.
- What is this?

There's a high school up the street.
A sink was left on upstairs.

You don't even want to see
the toilets.

Excuse me.

Wait'll I catch these kids.

Break a few windows,
think they're Johnny Badass.

The fuckin' jackals.

Will you stop, please?

Your sister Barbara and the kids
are coming down.

You better not be in this mood.

- And I need you to pick up sausage.
- Yeah, how many pounds, hot or sweet?

Don't you act like it's a chore.
This party was your idea.

You said you were happy
Janice was home.

And my parents are coming and...

Oh, really?

Now that the dragon lady's gone,
they'll set foot in our house?

She said some horrible things
to them over the years.

Hey, I'm not defending her.
She's dead to me.

Mope your way through this,
I'll cut your throat.

- I've been in a great mood lately.
- Right.

You need to start therapy again.
You're self-medicating.

- We haven't had sex since...
- Forget it. No therapy.

You should take a look at what they
did to your mother's bedroom.

They're rookies. They're not used
to this kind of stress...

- He better not say a word.
- It won't happen again.

- You got my word on that.
- I appreciate it, Chris, thank you.

Come on in.

Hey, Chris, brought you a little capp.


Sit down.

Refresh my memory on this play
we're making on Webistics.

We own 400,000 shares at 60 cents.

Trade on the bulletin board, OTC.

If we cold-call enough
seniors, pump and dump.

Yeah, yeah. You guys ain't spent
much time in the NFL, face it.

What? Two years with Eddie Stags.

Besides waxing his car.

- When he was in county...
- When you're bleeding a guy... don't squeeze him
dry right away.

Contrarily, you let him
do his bidding. Suavely.

So you can bleed next week and the
week after. At a minimum.

We don't need a guy getting pissed
and running to the SEC.

- Is that what you're saying?
- Break it down.

- Sorry, Chris.
- When are we dumping the stock?

You'll know when you need to know.


This is cold, by the way.


Any more Porsches disappear, make it
two towns over. And I want a taste.

You're the man.

She's gonna be so happy to see you.

- Grandma, it's me.
- Look who's here.

- Ma, I'm going downstairs.
- You spend all day on that elevator.

Grandma, you've got to eat.

Let me die.

Don't say that.

I saw a light.

And voices calling out to me.

What went on with you and Dad?
Mom won't tell me.

What? Why, what'd he say?

- Nothing. He won't mention you.
- Eh, that one.

He blames me for everything.

I know. Me too.

At night... they hit us.

- Why can't our family just get along?
- Some people don't want to.

But you, you listen to him.
You do what he says.

He's your father.

I won't leave you here like this.
They can't stop me from seeing you.

Meadow. Meadow.

Take that, in the drawer, in the
drawer. Take it.

Oh, my God. This was
your grandmother's, wasn't it?

It's so you won't forget me.

Come on, motherfuck!


Oh, fuck.

I told my family
I got broadsided...

...but I passed out behind the wheel.

See, my mother and me,
we had a falling out.

And since then, things
have been good.

- Clean break.
- What kind of falling out?

One of those unfortunate situations.

A lot of screaming, profanity.

Anyway, things were good.

And then my sister came back.
It's good to see her, I guess.

Cues from childhood kick in.
Older sister.

That should be obvious enough.

It's starting to bleed
into my business.

What sort of business?

Commercial and non-putrescible waste.



I watch the news like everyone else.

I know who you are.
And I saw Analyze This.

I don't need the ramifications that
could arise from treating someone... yourself.

Analyze This?

It's a comedy.

I'm not taking new patients.

Oh, my baby sister!

Oh, you look great!
Who is this little guy?

Traffic was terrible...

Keep it down!
You'll scare the neighbors!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my baby!

Cut it out. Knock it off!

- Carm, the fire's almost ready.
- Great, Parv, I'll be out in a second.

"Parvati," she's a cheese now?

- It's a Hindu goddess.
- Nice for her.

She still answers to "Janice"
if it makes you more comfortable.

You! Go to the market, pick up
a couple cans of pears.

Canned pears, not fresh.
That's the secret to my pound cake.

And get some basilico
while you're there.

- The pears, you want the Dole?
- I'm not even gonna answer this time.

There's a new market, Dad, on Pike.
Lot of changes since you've been here.

With that Mommy Dearest around?
Never again, I swore it.

It's exactly what she wanted.
You played right into her hands.

Remember what she said to you
at your wedding?

She said it was a mistake. Tony
would get bored with you.


Hey, take it easy.

Tom, let me ask you something.
You ever go down to Cape...

I love seeing them like that
over a fire.

They're better over a spit.

Who does Anthony look like right now?


We stopped in to see Ma.
How do you think she is?

Ma? A little weak,
but she's all there.

Some family reunion, our mother
is barred from the premises.

You shouldn't get too close.
Look what she tried to do to Tony.

I have no fantasies about my mother.

You know he's selling the house?
Ma's house.

That's what I'm talking about. Don't
get involved, let Tony handle it.

I called you 'cause I thought you'd
want to know if your mother was ill.

180 grand he's asking for that place.
Like he needs that.

I'm glad someone's taking charge.

You'll get your cut.

Ma's not dead yet and there's no will.

What? I mean, Ma still has rights.

Tony pays for her retirement home,
for the upkeep on her car...

Take it easy. According to you,
that could've been Robert Mitchum.

Jesus Christ. Fucking Paulie
Gualtieri. Isn't he dead yet?

You're not gonna stay for dessert?
It's grappa cake my mother made.

My friends are having
a gallery opening...

...and I'm trying to get them
to finance my video.

I'll leave some cake out for you.

Hey, I'm sorry.

- Hey.
- What's up?

What the fuck?

- I am sure there's an explanation.
- Oh, there is. There is.

Take Ma back to Seattle. She came
for the house and a $400 car.

That was the con.
That's the level she works at.

- Maybe the sign was broken or fell.
- I'm still a little fat kid to her.

She think she's gonna stop the
sale, picking up a sign?

She were here, I'd bounce her
head against the wall!

Look at yourself, Tony!

What do you care about that house?

It's not gonna stop with the house.
The $300 pillow...

- ...then the video equipment.
- When are you getting back to therapy?

Hey, don't start with that. Okay?

I'm not insane and I'm not
overreacting. You don't know...

- ...this little pucchiac...
- All right!

This is getting you no place.
Go outside...

...join the party, be with friends,
have some pleasure. Go ahead.

- Fucking bitch!
- Tony! Go ahead. Go have a beer.

- What the fuck you doing?
- Second seating coming up.

Fucking moron.

Look at my wife over there.

No, wait, Ton. The neighbor's dog
is on your property.

You're a fucking moron.

Anyway, we flew first class.

What service?

You get frequent flyer upgrades?

Only time you took a trip was with the
Rockette who put LSD in your drink.

- Where'd you get the tickets? Cuban?
- Yeah.

There must be a way to divert
frequent flyer miles on a grand scale.

You gotta break into the
main computer.

- What is that, "cracking"?
- Hacking.

Shelley Hack! Remember her?

- Yeah, those were the days.
- Good actress.

Let me tell you something, you can't
get good sausage and peppers no more.

I used to go down to Mulberry St. when
I was a kid. Sausage and peppers.

Now you go down there and there's
these guys with towels...

- You didn't like it?
- Fuck off.

So when do we get to roll with Tony?

- What?
- Are you tripping?

We gotta work our way up.

Must be deep, hanging out with him.

- Who?
- Mr. T.

You cap motherfuckers together?

Nah, too big. He doesn't get dirty.

We don't mind, we'll do anything.
Wet work, pick up his shirts.

Does Tony ever... talk about us?


- You gonna drink or just sit there?
- Sit.

- What the fuck's the matter with you?
- You leave my gas burner on.

- I almost lit a cigarette and died!
- I apologized!

Why you can't use a lighter to
cook your shit is beyond me.

- When things were finally going good...
- Shut up!

Why? They'll still kiss ass.
They don't care if you're a junkie.

Sit down!

- I hate you, fucking pig. Get off me!
- Fucking whore!

- Fuck you.
- Go home! Get my dinner ready!

Don't yell. Don't scream.

All cutlery stays right where it is.

How's the bagels here?

You don't answer my calls,
I got no choice.

Walking away is a choice. Ruining my
practice, it's a choice.

You got your office back.
No harm done.

One of my patients committed suicide
because I wasn't available to her.

Know what that means to me?

She can't eat bagels.

She can't call in sick
because she's feeling blue.

She's gone. She's in the ground
because of you.

I don't deserve your help.

- And I hate your system.
- Fuck you!

But I got a family.

Believe it or not, they're
better off with me than without.

And I don't know what else to do.

- I drove off the road.
- You look fine.

The airbag.

- You told me if I was driving and...
- That...

...was a different time for us.

I don't blame you.

- Maybe you can recommend somebody.
- I would never...

...ask another colleague
to get involved in this.

How many more have to die
for your personal growth?

Look at me.

I swear to Jesus Christ,
nobody got killed 'cause of you.

Get out of my life!


What are you doing home?


I thought it was AJ,
home from school.


- You all right?
- Yeah.

Want a little cold pasta?
I could microwave it.

Looks good.

- Want cheese, something to drink?
- Nah.

Sit down.