The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 1, Episode 9 - Boca - full transcript
The capos discuss what to do about the local soccer coach, while Junior's mouth causes him some embarrassment.
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A.J: Come on! Come on, dog!
Come on!
Come on! Come on.
Look at this!
Look at this plastic!
And there's weeds!
Well, it looks like Tobacco Road.
- Nobody gets down here.
LIVIA: Anthony!
Those dogs are wild dogs.
Cemetery dogs.
They'll take your hand off.
Come over here. Say a Hail Mary
for your grandfather.
Lay off. He's a kid.
So he should neglect his elders?
Just like his father.
Yeah, a real skimp.
My son.
The mental patient.
Remember those trips to the Shore?
Me and Tony rode the waves?
I taught him to bodysurf.
My son was brought up right.
He needs a psychiatrist for what?
- To talk about his sex life?
- Enough.
I hate it as much as you do.
Anthony!
Those dogs could start
foaming at the mouth.
How come you're not supposed
to breathe in the cemetery?
- Who says?
- It's a joke. Say, "Why?"
You'll make the dead people jealous.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
COACH:
Okay, come pick it up! Pick it up.
Who's got the ball?!
Oh, my God! Look out!
COACH:
Come around, come around!
Up, up, up! Cover them through!
I can't watch.
Yes!
Way to go, Meadow!
You're a brick wall, baby! Brick wall!
Good save!
Come on, now. Come on!
That was close.
- Pretty good.
- Look at you. At girls' soccer, Tony.
What do you want?
My son's a couch potato.
- Red! Five!
- Are you yellow-card happy?
Rough play, my ass!
- Hi, honey.
- Go get them, baby.
This fat kid is such a sneak
with that elbow!
Coach says next year,
Chiara is gonna be one of his starts.
Let's pull it out, for chrissake!
Heather Dante!
A hundred bucks for a goal!
What's with Ally today?
She's sleepwalking out there.
She eats at our house a lot.
She's got the energy.
SILVIO:
That tackle was our ball, asshole!
Zebra, I'm talking to you.
Blow that again,
I'll stick it up your ass!
Get off the field now, or your team
is gonna forfeit the game!
I'm going.
You fucking son of a...
Get off the field!
[CROWD BOOS]
Did a hell of a job.
Falcons! Falcons, heads up!
Red, 42! 42!
Push! Ally!
[WHISPERS]
Come on.
FAN:
Come on, Al!
[CHEERING]
Did I tell you?
What did I tell you?
He's a brilliant coach.
A beautiful, brilliant genius.
You in love with him?
Yes. If he steers Chiara to a college
scholarship, I'll blow the guy.
TONY:
You will?
How's chefing at Dimples?
Try the salad bar. We got a chemical
brightener. It keeps lettuce crisp.
- How nice.
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
The offer's still there.
You put some out on the street...
...at two points,
we split the interest. Nice?
I can't do the math.
I'm an artiste.
Get out of here.
Good job, girls!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
COACH: Absolutely.
ARTIE: And you do that so well, coach.
COACH: Thanks.
ARTIE: The psychology is important.
Did a hell of a job.
SILVIO: Welcome to Bada Bing.
Everything's on the house.
Come meet somebody.
- He coached college.
- Get out of here.
- Division 1-A.
- No, that's boonie state.
Besides, it's time to stop moving
my wife and Deena like pawns...
...when someone ups the ante.
Anyway, how many chances does a man
get to coach his own daughter?
- Money isn't everything.
- Here, here.
The kids are important.
Cheers. To the Falcons.
Continued success.
Brandy, why don't you give the coach
a deluxe tour of the VIP lounge.
- What?
- Oh, guys.
Jesus, we said a beer.
No, I...
Thank you, but I don't think so.
TONY:
Jesus Christ.
Okay, Brandy, go sit on a tuffet.
Coach, it's on the house.
- Why are you here?
- Who's he?
My girl's coach. You got something?
Every car you see in the
rear-view mirror is not a fed.
Mikey Palmice went and got
a major Manhattan PI.
Mikey thinks someone here rats for
the government. What else is new?
What else? My colleague over at
Organized Crime Task Force...
...gets chatty after caffeine drinks.
Names of people whose fiscal interests
intersect with your own.
I'm still trying to find out
if you've been named.
But these people are keeping
these indictments very, very internal.
They may have a folder
with my name on it.
If I was smart,
I wouldn't be here.
I rest my case.
I'm up the street
on a rape-homicide.
What I need now is to see
a liquor license, if you don't mind.
So anybody wonders why I was here
or for the lie detector test...
Cha-cha, show him the liquor license.
Don't touch the girls.
How you doing?
Bada Bing. Arthur Bucco!
Hello?
You gonna stay in that bar all day?
- I'm shooting pool.
- I'll rack them up for you.
I thought we were supposed to
paint the patio.
I bought primer
and I've been scraping.
You have?
I could really use your help.
All right. I'll be right home.
This fucking guy lays down the law.
Fucking blistering.
"I'll be right home."
I gotta get home too.
Shelley'll be looking for me.
It's quite the lifestyle
you got here.
- See ya later, coach.
- Okay.
Different strokes.
[PHONE RINGS]
Melvoin, Perlov,
Schneider and Archide.
JUNIOR: What's with the indictments?
MELVOIN: Put it right down there.
The book is off on the 14th ward.
I don't want to minimize your position.
Two prior convictions.
You're in jeopardy of sentence
under the habitual offenders statute.
I'm paying you to hear shit
that's eating my insides?
Peppers and eggs?
Peppers and eggs?
That's what I should've had.
"I'd be happy to surrender
Mr. Soprano.
You can be assured
of my full cooperation."
You'd rather they kicked in
your front door at night?
It's a target letter, Corrado.
I got nowhere, so I asked them
what your status was.
Just testing.
So what'd they say?
They'd let me know.
I may just start paying taxes.
MIKEY:
God, it's a fucking burn.
I'm sick and tired of sitting around.
I'm gonna get out of here.
With your lady friend?
JUNIOR:
What do you know about her?
Works for the Joint Fitters Union,
right?
Runs their labor management fund
outside the feds' oversight.
If you can't get your friends jobs,
why attain success?
MELVOIN:
The wheels of justice turn slowly.
Take her to Florida. Develop a tan.
Where's the crapper key?
Top right-hand drawer.
Junior, we're working out of a fucking
lawyer's office, is that right?
Look, I didn't want to say anything,
but this government case...
...if there's a leak,
it's in Tony's boat.
If my nephew's in bed with
the Justice Department, just say it.
Don't stammer like a spastic.
There's something fucking wrong with
that guy. I feel it in my gut.
I'm worried about you, skipper.
I'm sorry, Mikey. You're a good boy.
Fuck this. I'm going to Boca.
Deena, when you guys
showed up last year...
...I thought,
"Soccer, give me a break."
But your dad makes it seem like
this, I don't know, metaphor.
- Yeah.
- Dad's pretty cool.
Where's Al? She was supposed
to loan me a cig.
I'll come with.
TAYLOR:
Al?
MEADOW:
Ally!
Al!
If you're smoking,
you owe me $5!
- AI?
- Ally.
Ally?
Ally, what are you doing?
MEADOW:
Ally! Oh, my God!
TONY:
Her parents split up.
So she's always at our house.
- But she was born with a silver spoon.
- Teenagers are under a lot of stress.
I know this kid. She's great.
Was it a genuine suicide attempt?
Or was it a suicidal gesture?
"Small cutting" is the clinical term.
Is "large cutting"
O.J. in missing sweats?
It's a cry for help.
Her mother says she tried this before.
A couple times.
What else is going on?
Life is putting the Prozac
to the test.
It's all that business in the news?
Let's talk about my daughter.
Principal says girls in sports
do better.
They don't take drugs
or get knocked up.
But now this shit.
If my daughter ever tried to
kill herself...
Oh, God!
Last week, I called you a whore.
I might've been...
...overstating the case a little bit.
Ooh.
Mr. Soprano.
Miss Sanfillipo.
A check for you to sign.
Twenty grand?
For research and development
into furthering the art and science...
...of metal joint fittings.
Where does our research
and development take us this time?
Well, I was thinking Boca Raton.
My, my! You read my mind.
I'm all packed.
I gotta talk to my cousin.
- Mr. Soprano?
- What?
I was waiting to talk to Jerry
about how I could use some room...
...on this mall job I got
in North Bergen.
Then I saw you here.
And I thought, what the hell...
...I may as well ask the man himself.
Let's you and I meet. I can pass
my recommends on to my cousin.
LARRY:
Mama Livia, how are you?
- Do you remember me? Larry Boy Barese.
- I know who you are.
You lit an apartment house on fire...
...and scared your mother
half to death.
Mama's moving in here on the 15th.
Yeah? Ooh, I like your shoes.
Mama hasn't been well. Last week
she threw a jar of artichokes at me.
She better not throw any
artichokes at me.
How are you doing? Remember Larry?
Water under the bridge.
We're gonna take a walk.
You should get some shoes like his.
LARRY: You've always been a genius.
But this last move is the best.
The feds'll never surveil
an old folks' home.
That's why I got truckloads
of bootleg Polident coming in.
- There he is.
- How you doing?
Did you get your mother
settled in yet?
They're not sure they can accept her.
They want to see my finances again.
So this office supply chain from
Virginia. What's the deal on them?
I spoke to them. I think they'll
listen to reason on minority hiring.
- Been to any games?
- What do they got?
What the fuck?
COACH:
Hup! Hup! Hup!
Knees high, Colgiavani!
Eyes ahead!
Energy, girls, energy!
I know we're all upset,
but we still have a season left.
- Come on, let's go!
- Hey, coach.
Fellas, sorry, but practice
is closed today.
I'm trying to keep
the team focused.
What are you doing?
You're leaving us?
After two fucking years?
I told that reporter to wait
before he put that in the paper.
Coach, look at my little girl
out there.
You're breaking her heart!
Believe me, Art.
I am hugely conflicted.
But Rhode Island doubled my salary!
They're giving my daughter a full ride!
What could I do?
They made an offer I couldn't refuse.
- You haven't heard ours.
- Come on.
Look, I got a family too.
I have a daughter who loves
playing soccer.
He's kidding about the offer.
Hey, nobody blew a whistle!
Let's not get lazy out here!
Come on!
Go fuck yourself.
COACH:
Excuse me?
- Want me to tell your dad?
- It's my field.
Give me 10 laps around the goals.
- Whatever.
- Make that 20.
Anybody else want to mouth off?
Good! Come on!
Let's circle up for keep-away.
Let's go! Over here.
Get in a big circle!
Go! Move it!
I need some people out here.
Come on! Let's go!
Give me your glass.
Who'd think we could be
this contented?
I did. As soon as I
saw you, I knew.
You're a sweetheart.
If only they knew
the other side of you.
They'd eat me for breakfast.
I been looking at real estate.
Some nice houses on the market.
Maybe you'd like something bigger?
No, Corrado. This is our place.
You know how long we been
coming here?
Sixteen years.
And every one of them good.
How's junior, Junior?
He's catching some shuteye.
You're such a powerhouse.
When you kiss me down there...
...you're like a great artist.
You got a real instinct for it.
Pass me the red peppers.
You know the thrill you give?
Keep it to yourself, okay?
Yeah. All to myself.
- Corrado?
- Yeah?
Why the big secret?
About what?
Oral sex.
What's so terrible about
pleasing a woman?
You always have to talk about it.
Well, I want to know why!
It's complicated.
Yeah. But why?
Why?
They think if you suck pussy,
you'll suck anything.
You're kidding.
It's a sign of weakness. And possibly
a sign that you're a finocchio.
A fag?
That's ridiculous.
How would the two even translate?
What are you gonna do?
I don't make the rules.
TONY:
It's no big lifestyle choice.
My aunts Quintima and Jemma, they got
money out earning on the street.
It's like being a banker.
You help people.
Chiara cried when she heard
the coach was leaving.
You don't want to talk. Fine.
I gotta pick up Carmela anyway.
Let me ask you a question:
Why does your wife hate me?
Charmaine doesn't hate you.
You lie like I play a horn.
What?
Look at this facchino.
Wearing a cap in a nice restaurant.
I hated that most when I had
my restaurant. It's values today.
Standards are crumbling.
Would it kill this coach to
stay until my kid graduates?
Then let him stay four years
for Chiara.
[WOMAN GIGGLES]
That burns my ass.
Where you going?
Take your hat off.
Excuse me?
They don't sell hot dogs.
They took the bleachers out.
I'll wear it where I want.
How you doing?
Thank you.
Look at him.
Douche bag. Good for you!
Send them a bottle
of Montepulciano.
Get the license plate of these
two guys sitting behind Artie.
They look like cops.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Well, look who's here! Hi!
- Tony, look who's here.
- Alphonse, how you doing?
- Good.
TONY: You feeling better?
Yeah.
Gonna miss that left foot of yours.
No. It's okay, Mr. Soprano.
- I'm gonna play.
TONY: No shit?
Pardon my French there.
Are you sure, Ally?
I had a long talk
with Coach Hauser and...
I'm gonna play. That's all.
I told her she didn't have to.
She just said she wanted to.
Yeah.
- Coach pressure you?
ALLY: No, Mrs. Soprano.
He would never do that.
Pressure her? He doesn't
finish what he started.
- Dad!
- What?
It's what we all wanted.
Okay. Right?
As long as everything's...
We're trying to watch this, okay?
Kick ass, girls, right?
Good night.
Listen, Roberta,
what I said earlier?
I'm serious, you discuss that
with anyone, we're gonna go 10 rounds.
We just skimmed 20,000
off the development fund...
...and you're worried about
a little lecca fica?
- Will you keep it down?
- All right.
I'll tell everyone you're a good
kisser. I just won't say where.
That's my reputation you're
playing with.
Honey, my lips are sealed.
Not too sealed, right?
Visual on Corrado Soprano
and female travel companion...
...2200 hours, Boca Lounge.
How's my boy today?
Go, go, go!
PAULIE:
I'm looking for a Coach Hauser.
That's me.
Petey! Come here!
Something from your friends
at the Bada Bing.
Brand-new, surround sound,
HDTV compatible.
- Tell them thanks, but...
- This is getting heavy.
If this is about Rhode Island,
tell them I already signed.
I don't know what it's about.
But the TV stays here. Put it down.
No! I mean it!
Pick it up! Get it off my property!
Look, pal, I don't think you
quite understand.
I understand, only too well.
Tell your friends I know
all about them.
If you did, you'd do what they want.
Is that a threat?
How things change.
Let me tell you, Guido...
I'm Clarence.
I have friends in law enforcement,
and they'd call this extortion.
Come on.
You tell those assholes
Don Hauser will not be intimidated!
I will not be threatened or bribed!
I go where I want to
when I want to!
Hey!
All day, every day,
85 and not one drop of rain.
And those nights.
Bobbi, you are so lucky
with this guy. You have no idea.
He's a sweetheart underneath it all.
I wish I could get Lou to
be like him.
More sensitive,
if you know what I mean.
That coral looks good.
I don't understand why I always
have to ask him for oral sex.
Not like you and your Corrado.
Bebe, listen, I know we always used to
yak about our sex lives.
I think it would be better
if we didn't anymore.
- Okay.
- I mean it.
Sure!
Just, you're lucky, that's all.
So, Ma, you coming to the game?
LIVIA:
Game? What game?
Meadow's team is going to
the sectionals.
Nobody tells me anything.
Did everybody hear me just tell her?
Can anybody think of anything
else to talk about?
All right. Uncle Jun, how was Boca?
Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
That's not what I heard.
About what?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Last time, Aunt Bobbi
bought me a piranha.
A piranha? Come on!
That woman is not your aunt.
Livia, I warned you.
Bobbi is a sweet, sweet girl.
[GIGGLES]
What's the matter?
What did I say?
This wife of yours,
she's got the giggles.
- Can I be excused?
- We just sat down!
- How can you play if you don't eat?
- You need protein.
- No, I don't, because I quit.
- You quit?
With Ally back,
you can go to the states.
She slits her wrists,
and you think of a game?
It wasn't like Cobain.
It was just a little suicidal gesture.
- Come back here!
- You're not excused!
Let her go. Go ahead, honey!
- Ma!
TONY: Why don't you butt out?
You only act nice when
you want to score points.
I will not eat in this house.
Junior, take me home.
- I'm not finished.
- She'll come back.
NARRATOR: Stukas and Messerschmitts,
they have command of the skies.
I don't know.
I'm glad Meadow quit.
That coach pushes them to
the brink. It's unhealthy.
What do we mean when we
say commitment?
He thinks he can just walk away.
Watch it, cowboy, don't start.
- What's with you and Uncle Jun?
- Don't bother that coach.
- Come on. Tell me about Uncle Jun.
- No, stop it!
I can't!
- Yes, you can.
- All right. Okay.
Gabby Dante's cousin and Bobbi
go to the same nail parlor.
And your uncle...
No, I shouldn't say. I shouldn't!
- Come on.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Well, let's just say...
...your uncle has acquired
a taste for her.
Uncle Jun gives head?
World-class.
- He whistles to the wheat field?
- Don't be disgusting.
- He's a bushman of the Kalahari!
- That's why I don't tell you.
You don't know when to stop!
My God, if this ever gets out...
Yeah, like you don't do it.
Or any of your friends.
Bunch of hypocrites.
What goes on in this bedroom
stays here, and you know that.
Once a year?
I can resist the urge to gossip.
CHARMAINE:
Arthur? You're home?
The grease in that Frialator.
I'm gonna smell like
a cheap French fry forever.
So this is why we scrimp and save
to send our kids to that school?
So our name is dragged
through the mud?
What?
Shelly Hauser called me
this afternoon.
Your friend sent some Y.O.'s
down there with a stolen TV set...
...to try and bribe the coach.
From your friends at Bada Bing!
As if a TV set is gonna get somewhere
with a man like Coach Hauser.
A TV set?
Do you honestly believe
that they're gonna stop there?
They tried bribing this man.
What's next?
- Always with the extreme scenarios.
- No, come on. Tell me, what's next?
You grew up here.
Don't pretend like you don't know
what Tony Soprano is capable of.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
COACH:
Who is it?
CHRIS:
I found your dog.
COACH:
What?
No, you're mistaken.
My dog is upstairs.
Golden Retriever, blue nylon collar?
SHELLEY:
Honey, who is it?
CHRIS:
Evening, ma'am.
He has our dog.
Where is Petey?
- He was locked in.
CHRIS: Come get him.
I wouldn't want Petey
to get hit by a car.
[PETEY BARKS]
Petey, Petey!
You okay? Come here.
What, no reward?
Just kidding. I'm an animal lover.
You okay, boy?
Med, cheer up about the coach...
...because I feel he'll
reconsider the big move.
Tony.
Did you do something?
What could I do?
He's gonna stick around and finish
what he started with the girls.
That's it.
Well, did I tell you?
Develop some appreciation,
because everyone helps you...
...and all you do is bitch and moan!
This coach abandons his team,
and your friends get all worked up.
So I try to do something.
Is that why you think we're upset?
Because a coach who most of us
can't even stand is leaving?
You don't have to love him
to be successful.
"Catfish" Hunter hated Billy Martin.
Bill Parcells' guys can't stand him,
till they start to win.
Coach Hauser had sex with Ally.
What?
That's why she cut herself. That's
why I've been living at her house.
All right, hold on a minute.
Maybe...
With Ally?
CARMELA:
Meadow, this is horrible.
This is also a serious accusation.
What exactly did Ally say?
That they had sex, more than once...
...that she's not a virgin anymore!
All right.
Ally's a very pretty girl.
Maybe there was...
Maybe there was confusion.
Maybe she wanted to...
- ...look like she was sophisticated.
- Dad!
- What?
- Tony, what if this had been Meadow?
What kind of confusion?
At her age? The coach shouldn't
have been in any position...
...where there's even a remote
possibility of confusion!
I'm losing my mind here.
Go downstairs
so me and Meadow can talk.
Jesus fucking Christ!
God, now what did I do?
I only told so he wouldn't make
Coach Hauser stay.
Meadow, this is a horrible,
horrible thing.
She's in love with him.
But he won't leave his wife.
Leave his wife? Meadow!
- Now, he didn't touch you, right?
- No.
What about Deena?
If she hears about her father,
it'll destroy her.
Tell Dad to let him go
anywhere he wants, okay?
Come here.
Moldonado and his brother,
they'll handle it.
Mol owes me a solid.
No. No hired help.
This is personal.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
I'm gonna give him
a real after-school special.
- You out of your mind?
- What?
You kidnapped the coach's dog.
But if you do one more thing...
Shut up, Arthur. You're five
time zones behind your own ass.
No, I'm fucking serious.
You hear me, Tony?
SILVIO:
You're serious?
Want to hear serious?
Want to know what your coach did?
He fucked little Ally Vandermeed
and who knows who else he fucked.
What are you talking about?
Fucked?
That's crazy.
SILVIO:
That's why that kid slit her wrist.
And my daughter should know?
She should have to think
about that filth?
- No.
- No?
That self-righteous prick
put his dick...
...in my little girl's soccer teammate.
Yeah. She's in 11th grade,
for chrissake!
Oh, my God.
Chiara. He drove her home
one night when it was raining.
ARTIE:
Oh, my little girl.
- Degenerate son of a bitch.
- He deserves to die!
Betraying children?
Believe me, he ain't gonna be doing
that shit no more.
I guarantee you that.
JUNIOR: Nobody said to put my nephew
under surveillance.
I know, Junior. I know.
I wanted to be safe
and I'm glad I was.
Because your nephew isn't just
at that titty bar...
...and going to soccer games.
Go ahead.
Twice last week he goes toward
the medical center...
...and they lose him.
A girlfriend.
No, no, no.
He's seeing this
Russian slit very open.
Your nephew is talking to the feds.
Where else would he be going
that requires such precautions?
What the fuck else
would be the big secret?
What am I, a swami?
TONY:
Hey!
MIKEY: Silvio!
- Mikey!
MIKEY: How you doing?
You're looking good.
How you feel?
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
You shanked it, Sil.
I still got the coach on my mind.
We got fresh air, we got sunshine.
Forget about that shit.
Thank God for golf some days.
I'm trying to concentrate here.
Did you get any golf in at Boca?
Fucking manners, please!
You play Manatee,
or what's that other one?
Will you let the man tee off?
You yap worse than six barbers!
If you'd have shut up during
that Mountain Lakes game...
...you wouldn't have missed
that fly ball.
I was ashamed to face my friends.
SILVIO:
Good, Mikey. Better.
MIKEY:
What do you mean, better?
SILVIO:
Well, you know, it's better.
MIKEY:
Whoa, Junior!
Whoa, Junior, what?
- Uncle Jun's into muff.
- What?
Oh, did I say muff?
I meant ruff.
Good shot.
What's that smell?
Did you guys go to a sushi bar?
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
I thought you were a baccala man.
What are you doing eating sushi?
You're fucking running off
at the mouth.
[SINGING]
Listen, my friend.
At least I can deal with
my own problems. Unlike some I know.
What's that mean?
Take it however you want.
Don't bullshit me.
Guys, we here to play golf or what?
Come on.
[SINGS]
CHARMAINE:
Arthur...
...everybody's just so upset.
The mother's on sedatives.
She's completely unable to deal.
The father lives in Europe somewhere.
The little girl, Ally, she thinks
it's all her fault.
Bastard. He won't
get away with this!
You got that right.
What?
Hand me that bottle
of Bug-B-Gon, will you?
Arthur, what?
Something going on, Artie?
Your mobster friend
gonna do something?
If I had any balls,
I would do it myself.
You do have balls.
That's why you're not like him.
Fuck it.
Fuck the world!
This isn't making a slob
take his hat off.
This is beating a man to death
or cutting his balls off, or what?
You can't tell me
he doesn't deserve it!
Okay, but...
Listen, think about
what you're saying!
Yeah, you tell me.
Who's worse: Tony Soprano
or that child-molesting fuck?
I trusted him. I'd like to
rip his heart out of his chest!
Jesus Christ, I cannot believe
you only think about yourself!
Myself?
Myself?
I resent that, Charmaine.
Junior, what the fuck?
What's the matter?
What? That bullshit with the sushi?
No. I don't know what he
was talking about. He babbles.
- What?
- You're another one!
Me? He completely lacked respect.
I'm tired of having to make
excuses for him.
- It isn't right.
- Because he's a mental weakling.
- I know.
- You don't know shit!
He's seeing a psychiatrist.
How about that?
My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist.
It makes me want to cry.
No shit?
The indictment's being prepared.
He's spilling his guts!
I fucking knew it.
No, you didn't know it.
I just told you.
God knows how much
of our family business he has.
- If the place is bugged?
- That's not admissible.
It's that doctor-patient privilege.
Just like us and Melvoin.
Melvoin's a lawyer.
He's in the fucking ballpark.
Suppose this shrink gets
scared or something?
Remember those two brothers
in California?
They whacked their parents?
The shrink was in a witness chair.
Shit.
Anthony wants to play games, okay.
I taught him games.
I taught him how to play baseball.
Talking about clipping him?
Nobody would slap my wrist if I did.
Guys in prison have done
half the damage he has.
The judicial system has improved
in dealing with sexual predators.
Oh, yeah. Let's impeach him.
If you're telling me of intent
to harm him...
...I must warn you of my duty to
alert law enforcement.
Why do I tell you anything?
I'm interested in why you feel
punishing this man falls upon you.
- It doesn't fall upon you.
- What?
What would you do?
You'd call the cops...
...who'd get some judge,
who'd give him counseling...
...to talk about his unhappy childhood,
and we could have sympathy for him.
Because he's the victim, right?
You know what you do?
You ignore the truth.
Discredit psychology all you want.
But I continue to ask the question.
Why do you think you...
...always have to set things right?
ARTIE:
Hey, Paulie, is Tony in?
PAULIE: Tony?
TONY: Artie.
I got to talk to you.
I'm busy right now.
I got to talk to you.
All right. We'll finish
later, all right?
Come on in.
It's about the thing.
You know what?
- Nothing's happened yet, has it?
- Just got to make the call.
- I'm savoring the moment.
- Call it off.
Don't worry about it.
You don't go near this.
I don't care about that.
It's wrong, Tony.
- You can't do it.
- It's wrong?
What he did isn't?
I'm begging you.
I hate the guy too.
What do you want to do?
Want to call the cops?
Here's the phone.
They'll arrest him.
And he'll get out in two
years and move north.
And then?
He'll teach girls' soccer
and start all over.
You don't think I want to rip him
apart like a chicken?
I drove by his house.
I almost got out.
But you didn't.
Something happens to him,
who does it help?
His daughter? That girl?
No. You, Tony.
And Silvio and me and whoever.
It's just gonna make us feel better.
So don't even think about calling this
justice. Leave it to the cops.
Look, let me ask you a question.
Who are you, coming in here
talking to me like this?!
Now, your boyfriend is finished.
You deal with it!
Okay?
Tony, don't do it.
This is me asking you.
Why don't you get out?!
Come on.
Get the fuck out, go!
Let's go!
Come on, come on!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
Corrado?
I was worried! You usually call
me when you're this late.
I bought us some barbecued chicken,
salad and lemon meringue pie.
But I got hungry and ate.
Did I tell you to
keep your mouth shut?!
Did I tell you to keep
your goddamn mouth shut?!
Don't hit me!
[CRIES]
You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt!
I don't understand!
Get your pencils and your crap
and don't be here tomorrow!
No, Corrado. Don't leave.
I love you!
I am so sorry!
No, Corrado!
[PHONE RINGS]
- Yeah?
TONY: You there at the place?
Is he in the house?
Fuck it. Walk away.
Just walk away.
Don't do it.
Fuck!
All right.
- Leave it alone.
- Yeah. No problem.
Son of a bitch!
Colleagues and neighbors were
shocked...
...to hear of
charges brought against Hauser...
...coach of the Verbum Dei
high school girls' soccer team.
Alerted by a friend of
the alleged victim...
...whose name cannot be revealed...
...police issued a warrant
for his arrest.
[TONY LAUGHS]
[VASE SHATTERS]
- Tony.
- Carmela.
[TONY SINGING]
Tony, Jesus! You smell
like Lord Calvert.
Tony.
CARMELA:
What is with you tonight?
Tony, what is this?
[PILLS SPILLING]
Jesus!
Mixed with alcohol!
Tony, that's wonderful.
Happy trails.
Here, let's get you to bed.
Carmela.
Carmela.
I didn't hurt nobody.
TONY: Call the shrink. Tell her the
town's gonna give her a fucking bonus.
[TONY LAUGHS]
---
A.J: Come on! Come on, dog!
Come on!
Come on! Come on.
Look at this!
Look at this plastic!
And there's weeds!
Well, it looks like Tobacco Road.
- Nobody gets down here.
LIVIA: Anthony!
Those dogs are wild dogs.
Cemetery dogs.
They'll take your hand off.
Come over here. Say a Hail Mary
for your grandfather.
Lay off. He's a kid.
So he should neglect his elders?
Just like his father.
Yeah, a real skimp.
My son.
The mental patient.
Remember those trips to the Shore?
Me and Tony rode the waves?
I taught him to bodysurf.
My son was brought up right.
He needs a psychiatrist for what?
- To talk about his sex life?
- Enough.
I hate it as much as you do.
Anthony!
Those dogs could start
foaming at the mouth.
How come you're not supposed
to breathe in the cemetery?
- Who says?
- It's a joke. Say, "Why?"
You'll make the dead people jealous.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
COACH:
Okay, come pick it up! Pick it up.
Who's got the ball?!
Oh, my God! Look out!
COACH:
Come around, come around!
Up, up, up! Cover them through!
I can't watch.
Yes!
Way to go, Meadow!
You're a brick wall, baby! Brick wall!
Good save!
Come on, now. Come on!
That was close.
- Pretty good.
- Look at you. At girls' soccer, Tony.
What do you want?
My son's a couch potato.
- Red! Five!
- Are you yellow-card happy?
Rough play, my ass!
- Hi, honey.
- Go get them, baby.
This fat kid is such a sneak
with that elbow!
Coach says next year,
Chiara is gonna be one of his starts.
Let's pull it out, for chrissake!
Heather Dante!
A hundred bucks for a goal!
What's with Ally today?
She's sleepwalking out there.
She eats at our house a lot.
She's got the energy.
SILVIO:
That tackle was our ball, asshole!
Zebra, I'm talking to you.
Blow that again,
I'll stick it up your ass!
Get off the field now, or your team
is gonna forfeit the game!
I'm going.
You fucking son of a...
Get off the field!
[CROWD BOOS]
Did a hell of a job.
Falcons! Falcons, heads up!
Red, 42! 42!
Push! Ally!
[WHISPERS]
Come on.
FAN:
Come on, Al!
[CHEERING]
Did I tell you?
What did I tell you?
He's a brilliant coach.
A beautiful, brilliant genius.
You in love with him?
Yes. If he steers Chiara to a college
scholarship, I'll blow the guy.
TONY:
You will?
How's chefing at Dimples?
Try the salad bar. We got a chemical
brightener. It keeps lettuce crisp.
- How nice.
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
The offer's still there.
You put some out on the street...
...at two points,
we split the interest. Nice?
I can't do the math.
I'm an artiste.
Get out of here.
Good job, girls!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
COACH: Absolutely.
ARTIE: And you do that so well, coach.
COACH: Thanks.
ARTIE: The psychology is important.
Did a hell of a job.
SILVIO: Welcome to Bada Bing.
Everything's on the house.
Come meet somebody.
- He coached college.
- Get out of here.
- Division 1-A.
- No, that's boonie state.
Besides, it's time to stop moving
my wife and Deena like pawns...
...when someone ups the ante.
Anyway, how many chances does a man
get to coach his own daughter?
- Money isn't everything.
- Here, here.
The kids are important.
Cheers. To the Falcons.
Continued success.
Brandy, why don't you give the coach
a deluxe tour of the VIP lounge.
- What?
- Oh, guys.
Jesus, we said a beer.
No, I...
Thank you, but I don't think so.
TONY:
Jesus Christ.
Okay, Brandy, go sit on a tuffet.
Coach, it's on the house.
- Why are you here?
- Who's he?
My girl's coach. You got something?
Every car you see in the
rear-view mirror is not a fed.
Mikey Palmice went and got
a major Manhattan PI.
Mikey thinks someone here rats for
the government. What else is new?
What else? My colleague over at
Organized Crime Task Force...
...gets chatty after caffeine drinks.
Names of people whose fiscal interests
intersect with your own.
I'm still trying to find out
if you've been named.
But these people are keeping
these indictments very, very internal.
They may have a folder
with my name on it.
If I was smart,
I wouldn't be here.
I rest my case.
I'm up the street
on a rape-homicide.
What I need now is to see
a liquor license, if you don't mind.
So anybody wonders why I was here
or for the lie detector test...
Cha-cha, show him the liquor license.
Don't touch the girls.
How you doing?
Bada Bing. Arthur Bucco!
Hello?
You gonna stay in that bar all day?
- I'm shooting pool.
- I'll rack them up for you.
I thought we were supposed to
paint the patio.
I bought primer
and I've been scraping.
You have?
I could really use your help.
All right. I'll be right home.
This fucking guy lays down the law.
Fucking blistering.
"I'll be right home."
I gotta get home too.
Shelley'll be looking for me.
It's quite the lifestyle
you got here.
- See ya later, coach.
- Okay.
Different strokes.
[PHONE RINGS]
Melvoin, Perlov,
Schneider and Archide.
JUNIOR: What's with the indictments?
MELVOIN: Put it right down there.
The book is off on the 14th ward.
I don't want to minimize your position.
Two prior convictions.
You're in jeopardy of sentence
under the habitual offenders statute.
I'm paying you to hear shit
that's eating my insides?
Peppers and eggs?
Peppers and eggs?
That's what I should've had.
"I'd be happy to surrender
Mr. Soprano.
You can be assured
of my full cooperation."
You'd rather they kicked in
your front door at night?
It's a target letter, Corrado.
I got nowhere, so I asked them
what your status was.
Just testing.
So what'd they say?
They'd let me know.
I may just start paying taxes.
MIKEY:
God, it's a fucking burn.
I'm sick and tired of sitting around.
I'm gonna get out of here.
With your lady friend?
JUNIOR:
What do you know about her?
Works for the Joint Fitters Union,
right?
Runs their labor management fund
outside the feds' oversight.
If you can't get your friends jobs,
why attain success?
MELVOIN:
The wheels of justice turn slowly.
Take her to Florida. Develop a tan.
Where's the crapper key?
Top right-hand drawer.
Junior, we're working out of a fucking
lawyer's office, is that right?
Look, I didn't want to say anything,
but this government case...
...if there's a leak,
it's in Tony's boat.
If my nephew's in bed with
the Justice Department, just say it.
Don't stammer like a spastic.
There's something fucking wrong with
that guy. I feel it in my gut.
I'm worried about you, skipper.
I'm sorry, Mikey. You're a good boy.
Fuck this. I'm going to Boca.
Deena, when you guys
showed up last year...
...I thought,
"Soccer, give me a break."
But your dad makes it seem like
this, I don't know, metaphor.
- Yeah.
- Dad's pretty cool.
Where's Al? She was supposed
to loan me a cig.
I'll come with.
TAYLOR:
Al?
MEADOW:
Ally!
Al!
If you're smoking,
you owe me $5!
- AI?
- Ally.
Ally?
Ally, what are you doing?
MEADOW:
Ally! Oh, my God!
TONY:
Her parents split up.
So she's always at our house.
- But she was born with a silver spoon.
- Teenagers are under a lot of stress.
I know this kid. She's great.
Was it a genuine suicide attempt?
Or was it a suicidal gesture?
"Small cutting" is the clinical term.
Is "large cutting"
O.J. in missing sweats?
It's a cry for help.
Her mother says she tried this before.
A couple times.
What else is going on?
Life is putting the Prozac
to the test.
It's all that business in the news?
Let's talk about my daughter.
Principal says girls in sports
do better.
They don't take drugs
or get knocked up.
But now this shit.
If my daughter ever tried to
kill herself...
Oh, God!
Last week, I called you a whore.
I might've been...
...overstating the case a little bit.
Ooh.
Mr. Soprano.
Miss Sanfillipo.
A check for you to sign.
Twenty grand?
For research and development
into furthering the art and science...
...of metal joint fittings.
Where does our research
and development take us this time?
Well, I was thinking Boca Raton.
My, my! You read my mind.
I'm all packed.
I gotta talk to my cousin.
- Mr. Soprano?
- What?
I was waiting to talk to Jerry
about how I could use some room...
...on this mall job I got
in North Bergen.
Then I saw you here.
And I thought, what the hell...
...I may as well ask the man himself.
Let's you and I meet. I can pass
my recommends on to my cousin.
LARRY:
Mama Livia, how are you?
- Do you remember me? Larry Boy Barese.
- I know who you are.
You lit an apartment house on fire...
...and scared your mother
half to death.
Mama's moving in here on the 15th.
Yeah? Ooh, I like your shoes.
Mama hasn't been well. Last week
she threw a jar of artichokes at me.
She better not throw any
artichokes at me.
How are you doing? Remember Larry?
Water under the bridge.
We're gonna take a walk.
You should get some shoes like his.
LARRY: You've always been a genius.
But this last move is the best.
The feds'll never surveil
an old folks' home.
That's why I got truckloads
of bootleg Polident coming in.
- There he is.
- How you doing?
Did you get your mother
settled in yet?
They're not sure they can accept her.
They want to see my finances again.
So this office supply chain from
Virginia. What's the deal on them?
I spoke to them. I think they'll
listen to reason on minority hiring.
- Been to any games?
- What do they got?
What the fuck?
COACH:
Hup! Hup! Hup!
Knees high, Colgiavani!
Eyes ahead!
Energy, girls, energy!
I know we're all upset,
but we still have a season left.
- Come on, let's go!
- Hey, coach.
Fellas, sorry, but practice
is closed today.
I'm trying to keep
the team focused.
What are you doing?
You're leaving us?
After two fucking years?
I told that reporter to wait
before he put that in the paper.
Coach, look at my little girl
out there.
You're breaking her heart!
Believe me, Art.
I am hugely conflicted.
But Rhode Island doubled my salary!
They're giving my daughter a full ride!
What could I do?
They made an offer I couldn't refuse.
- You haven't heard ours.
- Come on.
Look, I got a family too.
I have a daughter who loves
playing soccer.
He's kidding about the offer.
Hey, nobody blew a whistle!
Let's not get lazy out here!
Come on!
Go fuck yourself.
COACH:
Excuse me?
- Want me to tell your dad?
- It's my field.
Give me 10 laps around the goals.
- Whatever.
- Make that 20.
Anybody else want to mouth off?
Good! Come on!
Let's circle up for keep-away.
Let's go! Over here.
Get in a big circle!
Go! Move it!
I need some people out here.
Come on! Let's go!
Give me your glass.
Who'd think we could be
this contented?
I did. As soon as I
saw you, I knew.
You're a sweetheart.
If only they knew
the other side of you.
They'd eat me for breakfast.
I been looking at real estate.
Some nice houses on the market.
Maybe you'd like something bigger?
No, Corrado. This is our place.
You know how long we been
coming here?
Sixteen years.
And every one of them good.
How's junior, Junior?
He's catching some shuteye.
You're such a powerhouse.
When you kiss me down there...
...you're like a great artist.
You got a real instinct for it.
Pass me the red peppers.
You know the thrill you give?
Keep it to yourself, okay?
Yeah. All to myself.
- Corrado?
- Yeah?
Why the big secret?
About what?
Oral sex.
What's so terrible about
pleasing a woman?
You always have to talk about it.
Well, I want to know why!
It's complicated.
Yeah. But why?
Why?
They think if you suck pussy,
you'll suck anything.
You're kidding.
It's a sign of weakness. And possibly
a sign that you're a finocchio.
A fag?
That's ridiculous.
How would the two even translate?
What are you gonna do?
I don't make the rules.
TONY:
It's no big lifestyle choice.
My aunts Quintima and Jemma, they got
money out earning on the street.
It's like being a banker.
You help people.
Chiara cried when she heard
the coach was leaving.
You don't want to talk. Fine.
I gotta pick up Carmela anyway.
Let me ask you a question:
Why does your wife hate me?
Charmaine doesn't hate you.
You lie like I play a horn.
What?
Look at this facchino.
Wearing a cap in a nice restaurant.
I hated that most when I had
my restaurant. It's values today.
Standards are crumbling.
Would it kill this coach to
stay until my kid graduates?
Then let him stay four years
for Chiara.
[WOMAN GIGGLES]
That burns my ass.
Where you going?
Take your hat off.
Excuse me?
They don't sell hot dogs.
They took the bleachers out.
I'll wear it where I want.
How you doing?
Thank you.
Look at him.
Douche bag. Good for you!
Send them a bottle
of Montepulciano.
Get the license plate of these
two guys sitting behind Artie.
They look like cops.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Well, look who's here! Hi!
- Tony, look who's here.
- Alphonse, how you doing?
- Good.
TONY: You feeling better?
Yeah.
Gonna miss that left foot of yours.
No. It's okay, Mr. Soprano.
- I'm gonna play.
TONY: No shit?
Pardon my French there.
Are you sure, Ally?
I had a long talk
with Coach Hauser and...
I'm gonna play. That's all.
I told her she didn't have to.
She just said she wanted to.
Yeah.
- Coach pressure you?
ALLY: No, Mrs. Soprano.
He would never do that.
Pressure her? He doesn't
finish what he started.
- Dad!
- What?
It's what we all wanted.
Okay. Right?
As long as everything's...
We're trying to watch this, okay?
Kick ass, girls, right?
Good night.
Listen, Roberta,
what I said earlier?
I'm serious, you discuss that
with anyone, we're gonna go 10 rounds.
We just skimmed 20,000
off the development fund...
...and you're worried about
a little lecca fica?
- Will you keep it down?
- All right.
I'll tell everyone you're a good
kisser. I just won't say where.
That's my reputation you're
playing with.
Honey, my lips are sealed.
Not too sealed, right?
Visual on Corrado Soprano
and female travel companion...
...2200 hours, Boca Lounge.
How's my boy today?
Go, go, go!
PAULIE:
I'm looking for a Coach Hauser.
That's me.
Petey! Come here!
Something from your friends
at the Bada Bing.
Brand-new, surround sound,
HDTV compatible.
- Tell them thanks, but...
- This is getting heavy.
If this is about Rhode Island,
tell them I already signed.
I don't know what it's about.
But the TV stays here. Put it down.
No! I mean it!
Pick it up! Get it off my property!
Look, pal, I don't think you
quite understand.
I understand, only too well.
Tell your friends I know
all about them.
If you did, you'd do what they want.
Is that a threat?
How things change.
Let me tell you, Guido...
I'm Clarence.
I have friends in law enforcement,
and they'd call this extortion.
Come on.
You tell those assholes
Don Hauser will not be intimidated!
I will not be threatened or bribed!
I go where I want to
when I want to!
Hey!
All day, every day,
85 and not one drop of rain.
And those nights.
Bobbi, you are so lucky
with this guy. You have no idea.
He's a sweetheart underneath it all.
I wish I could get Lou to
be like him.
More sensitive,
if you know what I mean.
That coral looks good.
I don't understand why I always
have to ask him for oral sex.
Not like you and your Corrado.
Bebe, listen, I know we always used to
yak about our sex lives.
I think it would be better
if we didn't anymore.
- Okay.
- I mean it.
Sure!
Just, you're lucky, that's all.
So, Ma, you coming to the game?
LIVIA:
Game? What game?
Meadow's team is going to
the sectionals.
Nobody tells me anything.
Did everybody hear me just tell her?
Can anybody think of anything
else to talk about?
All right. Uncle Jun, how was Boca?
Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
That's not what I heard.
About what?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Last time, Aunt Bobbi
bought me a piranha.
A piranha? Come on!
That woman is not your aunt.
Livia, I warned you.
Bobbi is a sweet, sweet girl.
[GIGGLES]
What's the matter?
What did I say?
This wife of yours,
she's got the giggles.
- Can I be excused?
- We just sat down!
- How can you play if you don't eat?
- You need protein.
- No, I don't, because I quit.
- You quit?
With Ally back,
you can go to the states.
She slits her wrists,
and you think of a game?
It wasn't like Cobain.
It was just a little suicidal gesture.
- Come back here!
- You're not excused!
Let her go. Go ahead, honey!
- Ma!
TONY: Why don't you butt out?
You only act nice when
you want to score points.
I will not eat in this house.
Junior, take me home.
- I'm not finished.
- She'll come back.
NARRATOR: Stukas and Messerschmitts,
they have command of the skies.
I don't know.
I'm glad Meadow quit.
That coach pushes them to
the brink. It's unhealthy.
What do we mean when we
say commitment?
He thinks he can just walk away.
Watch it, cowboy, don't start.
- What's with you and Uncle Jun?
- Don't bother that coach.
- Come on. Tell me about Uncle Jun.
- No, stop it!
I can't!
- Yes, you can.
- All right. Okay.
Gabby Dante's cousin and Bobbi
go to the same nail parlor.
And your uncle...
No, I shouldn't say. I shouldn't!
- Come on.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Well, let's just say...
...your uncle has acquired
a taste for her.
Uncle Jun gives head?
World-class.
- He whistles to the wheat field?
- Don't be disgusting.
- He's a bushman of the Kalahari!
- That's why I don't tell you.
You don't know when to stop!
My God, if this ever gets out...
Yeah, like you don't do it.
Or any of your friends.
Bunch of hypocrites.
What goes on in this bedroom
stays here, and you know that.
Once a year?
I can resist the urge to gossip.
CHARMAINE:
Arthur? You're home?
The grease in that Frialator.
I'm gonna smell like
a cheap French fry forever.
So this is why we scrimp and save
to send our kids to that school?
So our name is dragged
through the mud?
What?
Shelly Hauser called me
this afternoon.
Your friend sent some Y.O.'s
down there with a stolen TV set...
...to try and bribe the coach.
From your friends at Bada Bing!
As if a TV set is gonna get somewhere
with a man like Coach Hauser.
A TV set?
Do you honestly believe
that they're gonna stop there?
They tried bribing this man.
What's next?
- Always with the extreme scenarios.
- No, come on. Tell me, what's next?
You grew up here.
Don't pretend like you don't know
what Tony Soprano is capable of.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
COACH:
Who is it?
CHRIS:
I found your dog.
COACH:
What?
No, you're mistaken.
My dog is upstairs.
Golden Retriever, blue nylon collar?
SHELLEY:
Honey, who is it?
CHRIS:
Evening, ma'am.
He has our dog.
Where is Petey?
- He was locked in.
CHRIS: Come get him.
I wouldn't want Petey
to get hit by a car.
[PETEY BARKS]
Petey, Petey!
You okay? Come here.
What, no reward?
Just kidding. I'm an animal lover.
You okay, boy?
Med, cheer up about the coach...
...because I feel he'll
reconsider the big move.
Tony.
Did you do something?
What could I do?
He's gonna stick around and finish
what he started with the girls.
That's it.
Well, did I tell you?
Develop some appreciation,
because everyone helps you...
...and all you do is bitch and moan!
This coach abandons his team,
and your friends get all worked up.
So I try to do something.
Is that why you think we're upset?
Because a coach who most of us
can't even stand is leaving?
You don't have to love him
to be successful.
"Catfish" Hunter hated Billy Martin.
Bill Parcells' guys can't stand him,
till they start to win.
Coach Hauser had sex with Ally.
What?
That's why she cut herself. That's
why I've been living at her house.
All right, hold on a minute.
Maybe...
With Ally?
CARMELA:
Meadow, this is horrible.
This is also a serious accusation.
What exactly did Ally say?
That they had sex, more than once...
...that she's not a virgin anymore!
All right.
Ally's a very pretty girl.
Maybe there was...
Maybe there was confusion.
Maybe she wanted to...
- ...look like she was sophisticated.
- Dad!
- What?
- Tony, what if this had been Meadow?
What kind of confusion?
At her age? The coach shouldn't
have been in any position...
...where there's even a remote
possibility of confusion!
I'm losing my mind here.
Go downstairs
so me and Meadow can talk.
Jesus fucking Christ!
God, now what did I do?
I only told so he wouldn't make
Coach Hauser stay.
Meadow, this is a horrible,
horrible thing.
She's in love with him.
But he won't leave his wife.
Leave his wife? Meadow!
- Now, he didn't touch you, right?
- No.
What about Deena?
If she hears about her father,
it'll destroy her.
Tell Dad to let him go
anywhere he wants, okay?
Come here.
Moldonado and his brother,
they'll handle it.
Mol owes me a solid.
No. No hired help.
This is personal.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
I'm gonna give him
a real after-school special.
- You out of your mind?
- What?
You kidnapped the coach's dog.
But if you do one more thing...
Shut up, Arthur. You're five
time zones behind your own ass.
No, I'm fucking serious.
You hear me, Tony?
SILVIO:
You're serious?
Want to hear serious?
Want to know what your coach did?
He fucked little Ally Vandermeed
and who knows who else he fucked.
What are you talking about?
Fucked?
That's crazy.
SILVIO:
That's why that kid slit her wrist.
And my daughter should know?
She should have to think
about that filth?
- No.
- No?
That self-righteous prick
put his dick...
...in my little girl's soccer teammate.
Yeah. She's in 11th grade,
for chrissake!
Oh, my God.
Chiara. He drove her home
one night when it was raining.
ARTIE:
Oh, my little girl.
- Degenerate son of a bitch.
- He deserves to die!
Betraying children?
Believe me, he ain't gonna be doing
that shit no more.
I guarantee you that.
JUNIOR: Nobody said to put my nephew
under surveillance.
I know, Junior. I know.
I wanted to be safe
and I'm glad I was.
Because your nephew isn't just
at that titty bar...
...and going to soccer games.
Go ahead.
Twice last week he goes toward
the medical center...
...and they lose him.
A girlfriend.
No, no, no.
He's seeing this
Russian slit very open.
Your nephew is talking to the feds.
Where else would he be going
that requires such precautions?
What the fuck else
would be the big secret?
What am I, a swami?
TONY:
Hey!
MIKEY: Silvio!
- Mikey!
MIKEY: How you doing?
You're looking good.
How you feel?
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
You shanked it, Sil.
I still got the coach on my mind.
We got fresh air, we got sunshine.
Forget about that shit.
Thank God for golf some days.
I'm trying to concentrate here.
Did you get any golf in at Boca?
Fucking manners, please!
You play Manatee,
or what's that other one?
Will you let the man tee off?
You yap worse than six barbers!
If you'd have shut up during
that Mountain Lakes game...
...you wouldn't have missed
that fly ball.
I was ashamed to face my friends.
SILVIO:
Good, Mikey. Better.
MIKEY:
What do you mean, better?
SILVIO:
Well, you know, it's better.
MIKEY:
Whoa, Junior!
Whoa, Junior, what?
- Uncle Jun's into muff.
- What?
Oh, did I say muff?
I meant ruff.
Good shot.
What's that smell?
Did you guys go to a sushi bar?
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
I thought you were a baccala man.
What are you doing eating sushi?
You're fucking running off
at the mouth.
[SINGING]
Listen, my friend.
At least I can deal with
my own problems. Unlike some I know.
What's that mean?
Take it however you want.
Don't bullshit me.
Guys, we here to play golf or what?
Come on.
[SINGS]
CHARMAINE:
Arthur...
...everybody's just so upset.
The mother's on sedatives.
She's completely unable to deal.
The father lives in Europe somewhere.
The little girl, Ally, she thinks
it's all her fault.
Bastard. He won't
get away with this!
You got that right.
What?
Hand me that bottle
of Bug-B-Gon, will you?
Arthur, what?
Something going on, Artie?
Your mobster friend
gonna do something?
If I had any balls,
I would do it myself.
You do have balls.
That's why you're not like him.
Fuck it.
Fuck the world!
This isn't making a slob
take his hat off.
This is beating a man to death
or cutting his balls off, or what?
You can't tell me
he doesn't deserve it!
Okay, but...
Listen, think about
what you're saying!
Yeah, you tell me.
Who's worse: Tony Soprano
or that child-molesting fuck?
I trusted him. I'd like to
rip his heart out of his chest!
Jesus Christ, I cannot believe
you only think about yourself!
Myself?
Myself?
I resent that, Charmaine.
Junior, what the fuck?
What's the matter?
What? That bullshit with the sushi?
No. I don't know what he
was talking about. He babbles.
- What?
- You're another one!
Me? He completely lacked respect.
I'm tired of having to make
excuses for him.
- It isn't right.
- Because he's a mental weakling.
- I know.
- You don't know shit!
He's seeing a psychiatrist.
How about that?
My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist.
It makes me want to cry.
No shit?
The indictment's being prepared.
He's spilling his guts!
I fucking knew it.
No, you didn't know it.
I just told you.
God knows how much
of our family business he has.
- If the place is bugged?
- That's not admissible.
It's that doctor-patient privilege.
Just like us and Melvoin.
Melvoin's a lawyer.
He's in the fucking ballpark.
Suppose this shrink gets
scared or something?
Remember those two brothers
in California?
They whacked their parents?
The shrink was in a witness chair.
Shit.
Anthony wants to play games, okay.
I taught him games.
I taught him how to play baseball.
Talking about clipping him?
Nobody would slap my wrist if I did.
Guys in prison have done
half the damage he has.
The judicial system has improved
in dealing with sexual predators.
Oh, yeah. Let's impeach him.
If you're telling me of intent
to harm him...
...I must warn you of my duty to
alert law enforcement.
Why do I tell you anything?
I'm interested in why you feel
punishing this man falls upon you.
- It doesn't fall upon you.
- What?
What would you do?
You'd call the cops...
...who'd get some judge,
who'd give him counseling...
...to talk about his unhappy childhood,
and we could have sympathy for him.
Because he's the victim, right?
You know what you do?
You ignore the truth.
Discredit psychology all you want.
But I continue to ask the question.
Why do you think you...
...always have to set things right?
ARTIE:
Hey, Paulie, is Tony in?
PAULIE: Tony?
TONY: Artie.
I got to talk to you.
I'm busy right now.
I got to talk to you.
All right. We'll finish
later, all right?
Come on in.
It's about the thing.
You know what?
- Nothing's happened yet, has it?
- Just got to make the call.
- I'm savoring the moment.
- Call it off.
Don't worry about it.
You don't go near this.
I don't care about that.
It's wrong, Tony.
- You can't do it.
- It's wrong?
What he did isn't?
I'm begging you.
I hate the guy too.
What do you want to do?
Want to call the cops?
Here's the phone.
They'll arrest him.
And he'll get out in two
years and move north.
And then?
He'll teach girls' soccer
and start all over.
You don't think I want to rip him
apart like a chicken?
I drove by his house.
I almost got out.
But you didn't.
Something happens to him,
who does it help?
His daughter? That girl?
No. You, Tony.
And Silvio and me and whoever.
It's just gonna make us feel better.
So don't even think about calling this
justice. Leave it to the cops.
Look, let me ask you a question.
Who are you, coming in here
talking to me like this?!
Now, your boyfriend is finished.
You deal with it!
Okay?
Tony, don't do it.
This is me asking you.
Why don't you get out?!
Come on.
Get the fuck out, go!
Let's go!
Come on, come on!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
Corrado?
I was worried! You usually call
me when you're this late.
I bought us some barbecued chicken,
salad and lemon meringue pie.
But I got hungry and ate.
Did I tell you to
keep your mouth shut?!
Did I tell you to keep
your goddamn mouth shut?!
Don't hit me!
[CRIES]
You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt!
I don't understand!
Get your pencils and your crap
and don't be here tomorrow!
No, Corrado. Don't leave.
I love you!
I am so sorry!
No, Corrado!
[PHONE RINGS]
- Yeah?
TONY: You there at the place?
Is he in the house?
Fuck it. Walk away.
Just walk away.
Don't do it.
Fuck!
All right.
- Leave it alone.
- Yeah. No problem.
Son of a bitch!
Colleagues and neighbors were
shocked...
...to hear of
charges brought against Hauser...
...coach of the Verbum Dei
high school girls' soccer team.
Alerted by a friend of
the alleged victim...
...whose name cannot be revealed...
...police issued a warrant
for his arrest.
[TONY LAUGHS]
[VASE SHATTERS]
- Tony.
- Carmela.
[TONY SINGING]
Tony, Jesus! You smell
like Lord Calvert.
Tony.
CARMELA:
What is with you tonight?
Tony, what is this?
[PILLS SPILLING]
Jesus!
Mixed with alcohol!
Tony, that's wonderful.
Happy trails.
Here, let's get you to bed.
Carmela.
Carmela.
I didn't hurt nobody.
TONY: Call the shrink. Tell her the
town's gonna give her a fucking bonus.
[TONY LAUGHS]