The Six Million Dollar Man (1974–1978): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Dark Side of the Moon - full transcript
Someone has altered the course of the Moon's orbit. Steve Austin is sent to correct it before it destroys the Earth.
FLIGHT COM:
It looks good at NASA One.
B-52 >PILOT:
Roger.
BCS Arm switch is on.
FLIGHT COM:
Okay, Victor.
B-52 PILOT: Landing Rocket Arm switch
is on. Here comes the throttle.
Circuit breakers in.
STEVE:
We have separation.
B-52 PILOT:
Inboard and outboards are on.
I'm comin' forward with the side stick.
FLIGHT COM:
Looks good.
PILOT:
Ah, Roger.
STEVE:
I've got a blowout in damper three.
SR-71 PILOT:
Get your pitch to zero.
STEVE:
Pitch is out. I can't hold altitude!
B-52 PILOT: Correction. Alpha Hold is oil“.
Threat selector is emergency.
STEVE: Flight Com. I can't hold it!
She's breaking up! She's breaking...
ANNOUNCER:
Steve Austin. Astronaut.
A man barely alive.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.
Steve Austin will be that man.
Better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.
(MAIN TITLE THEME)
LEITH: This asteroid is not any more
productive than any of the others.
It's useless.
There's no dilanthium here.
Doctor, our sensors show that
there is dilanthium here!
Now I know you wanted to
continue mining the moon...
but you found nothing.
It's there.
Unlimited clean energy.
You think.
But O.S.I. knows the asteroids
contain dilanthium.
That's why they sent us here.
Then where is it?
Well, if not here, there's thousands
of other asteroids to choose from.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Dr. Leith!
Isn't that dilanthium?
In microgram amounts.
Certainly not worth mining.
It would hardly meet the world's critical
demand for a practical supply.
But it is dilanthium.
It's useless.
I'm writing this entire expedition off
as an exercise in futility!
But you can't do that.
We did find dilanthium.
You're assigned to pilot the craft to this
asteroid, nothing more and nothing less!
I know that.
But the mission is not a failure.
When the day comes that you hold
a Nobel Prize in astrogeology...
you may make the decisions.
Until then, you are merely an accomplished
astronaut and the decisions are mine.
But you're wrong about this.
We are finished here, Colonel.
We're returning to Earth.
And that is an order.
Welcome back.
Did you have a good trip?
Fine.
How about you, Doctor?
I was never was optimistic
about mining asteroids.
But we did find what we went after.
I'm still convinced the moon is
a potentially richer source of dilanthium.
Well, come on, the lab should
have a preliminary report by now...
on the samples you brought back.
And Bess Fowler is
heading up the analysis team.
That should please you.
Yes.
Been a while
since you've seen her?
Couple of months.
Well, she's looking forward to it.
The sample from Asteroid L 123
yielded 5.7 milligrams.
The breccia sample from S 432,
8.3 milligrams.
That sounds right
in the ballpark, Bess.
Hello, Rudy.
Hi.
Steve!
Hi.
I watched your reentry.
You set it down almost
on top of the carrier.
Well, I hate long waits for pickup.
Hello, Dr. Leith.
Do you have the analysis?
Yes, the ore is low-grade and
the sample yield varies considerably...
but the dilanthium's in pure form.
Well, that proves asteroid mining
can be economically sound.
May I see the slide, please?
Of course.
Steve, can I see you in the lab?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
So how about a little dinner later?
I'd love to.
Good.
Oh, Steve?
What time?
Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I guess I've been
in space a little too long.
I'll call you when
I get through with Rudy.
Okay.
Well, I just don't know how normal
humans put up with earth gravity.
I mean, I can hardly raise
my feet off the floor.
We discussed that
before I adjusted you.
I know.
It was a mistake.
Look, if I hadn't toned down your bionics to
handle zero gravity on the asteroids...
you could have
forgotten your strength.
You'd have taken one leap and
launched yourself into space.
Next time just trust me
to remember, okay?
Okay.
Now just get me back to normal.
Try that.
All right. Sit down.
We'll have to fix that.
Doctor.
Oh, Ted.
You're looking fit, Eric....
Feeling fit, Doctor.
I always prefer a public place
for private conversations.
Less claustrophobic than
a room with drawn curtains.
You've heard the plan?
You'll pilot the mission?
Well, that sounds a little dangerous.
It's five million dollars, Eric.
How many people would
know about this?
Just the three of us.
Ted says it could cost a lot of lives.
Ted has a tendency to overreact.
He can fantasize.
But it is true,
about it costing a lot of lives?
Possibly.
But then, you wouldn't earn five million
dollars if it were an ordinary mission.
The question is: how much
do you want that money?
A lot.
Go, Steve!
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
That's it!
You could of drop-kicked a field
goal from a thousand yards.
Try your right arm again.
Ah...
What's the matter, Steve?
Is something wrong?
No.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(PHONE BUZZES)
Yes?
WOMAN:
Frank Tracey is here, Dr. Wells.
Send him in.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Frank!
How you doin'?
How are you?
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Hey, Frank!
Hello, Steve!
I thought you were working in Hawaii.
Well, I was, until Oscar pulled me back
to Washington and took away my sun tan.
What, a promotion?
Yeah, word is Oscar got kicked up
a couple of top secret notches.
However, he's dropped this whole
asteroid mining enchilada right in my lap.
So I'm afraid you're stuck with me
whether you like it or not.
Now, Kennedy's getting a bird ready
to fly you and the mining party back.
I've already spoken with Leith
about heading the group.
Wait a minute.
Why Leith?
He objected to asteroid mining from the
time we took off until we splashed down.
Best qualified for the job,
he's agreed to go.
I don't like the idea.
STEVE:
It just doesn't feel right.
You don't like the idea?
You don't like Leith?
Both.
Enough business, huh?
Who's gonna take me out to eat?
Sorry, but I made prior arrangements to
check out a new analytical heat process.
But I'll take a rain check.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, did I wake you up?
What do you think?
Come on, lazy, I'm hungry.
All right.
I don't think
the lobsters are ready.
I've been eating that
space junk for a long time.
Now that I'm away from Dr. Leith,
I think my appetite's coming back.
But let's not waste the day
talking business.
All discussion henceforth will be
limited to lobsters, wine or me.
Okay.
Hey.
The lobsters need turning.
Yeah, but I'm told that Texas doesn't
allow Maine lobsters into their state...
unless they first pass a test
that they do their own turning.
At least it's a little less frantic
than our last dinner.
You were leaving that night
for Japan, remember?
Your schedule made my
whole beautiful dinner...
seem like a trip to a local
one-arm diner.
Well, there's no reason to rush tonight.
Even less than you think...
since we're going to be spending
the next few months together.
How come?
Dr. Leith invited me to join the
mining team on the asteroid.
There's no lobster,
no swimming pool...
but there are other
compensations, right?
Maybe I can even bring along
a bottle of this wine.
I think all we'll need
is a romantic theme song.
Let's see, there's Moon Over Miami...
Moon In June, Moon Of Manakura.
Yeah, but we're going to
an asteroid, not the moon.
Can I help it if song writers aren't
alert to romantic opportunities?
How about My Heart Was
Destroyed On A Small Asteroid?
That's terrible.
I know.
I'll try again.
FRANK:
Well, Dr. Leith has picked his crew here.
He's asked for his son as Computer
Systems Technician and Navigator.
Hal?
Yeah.
Well, I don't mind Leith
keeping it in the family.
He's young, but he's good and
Bess has worked with him before.
Well, at least three-quarters
of the team will be happy.
Well, that's what I want
to talk to you about.
His pilot.
His pilot?
Yeah.
Eric Muller?
Muller's a top pilot.
Look, there are a lot of top pilots,
but I did the survey.
Steve, Leith picked him.
Well, just tell him it's my flight.
Bess assumes I was piloting.
I can't overrule the leader
of an expedition.
No, you fly the support
and supply mission.
Goes up midway
through the project.
Now wait a minute.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Yeah.
Mr. Tracey, Dr. Leith is here.
Send him in.
(DOOR OPENS)
Gentlemen.
Dr. Leith.
Doctor, I'd like you to
reconsider your choice of pilot.
I don't want you on my crew.
But I know the area
better than anyone else.
I can do very well without the temperament
and personality problems that you pose.
You question my decisions.
I assume that I still have the
authority to select my own crew.
Yes, you do.
I've already explained to Steve he'll
handle the support and supply mission.
That's fine.
This is your copy of the scientific
material that I'm going to need.
It's been pared it down to
an absolute minimum.
It'll have to be checked
against the total weight figures.
Eric will go over that with you.
Thank you.
Well, it doesn't help much,
but at least he was honest.
Well, what do you think?
It's all right, but fuel is gonna be
the difficult thing to conceal.
Somebody's gonna
notice that surplus.
Don't try to conceal it.
There are thousands of asteroids.
We may have to maneuver
to every one of them.
Say I demand the capability for that.
What about Hal?
What about him?
You haven't told him the plan?
No.
And when he finds out?
Hal may have his head in the stars...
but I am his father.
As my son,
he will do exactly as I say.
It's really the girl
I'm concerned about.
She could be trouble.
She's close to Austin.
LEITH:
Yes, well that's Ted's responsibility.
What am I supposed
to do about the girl?
Not the girl, Austin.
He's been assigned to fly support
during the mission.
He'd blow the whole plan!
LEITH: Yes, but you see, Ted is being cut
in for a large amount of money.
And Ted is going to earn it.
He's going to see to it that Colonel Austin
does not fly as scheduled.
Aren't you, Ted?
Look, when I agreed on joining you,
I didn't plan on killing anyone myself.
Well, no one said
anything about killing.
But accidents happen every day.
Don't they, Ted?
Step number one.
Now we have remote
communications with Earth.
And now we set up step two?
Right.
There are these alternate bases
on other asteroids just in case.
I've just had a call from Houston.
They've ordered us to abandon
this project and go to the moon.
To the moon?
But that's already been tried.
HAL: Dad, you yourself,
you sank a dozen sites.
On the light side of the moon...
but the dark side of the moon,
the volcanic side...
LEITH: that's where the dilanthium is.
But that rock's too hard for
anything but nuclear blasting.
Oh, we have the equipment, Hal.
But, Doctor, you must
know the dangers of—-
There's no point in discussing it.
Frank Tracey at O.S.I.
has given us our orders.
LEITH: Orders are orders.
Well, that's it, then.
ERIC: Stow all the gear
as quickly as possible.
I'll begin our check.
Let's get moving.
I'm sorry.
Well, you convinced them.
Now, how do we get away with it?
By convincing Mission Control
that we've never left here.
That antenna out there
will pick up earth's signals...
and relay it to us
wherever we are.
Their long distance call will simply be
a little longer distance than they realize.
I've mapped it out from some photographs
taken by the last lunar team...
as they made a pass at the dark side.
Now we come down and land over an
opening into this section of cratered caves.
Eric?
No sweat. Can do.
We make the caves airtight and then
pump in atmosphere from the lab.
What do you think, Hal?
That shouldn't be a problem
setting up a connecting airlock.
We can come and go
without having to suit up.
Bess?
Certainly will speed up
our mining operations...
being able to function in a shirtsleeve
environment both here and in the caves.
All right, the first thing we do
after we land is set up the antenna.
Everybody into landing positions.
Eric, it's all yours,
take it down.
CAPCOM:
Houston, calling Pluto One.
Pluto One, do you read?
Pluto One, this is Houston.
Come in, Pluto One.
Keep them occupied and down there.
LEITH:
Houston, this is Pluto One.
This is Houston Control.
We are checking antenna
alignment and communications.
Also wishing you a speedy return.
Thank you from all of us here.
Pluto One, out.
Excuse me, Doctor.
If that's Houston, I thought
if Steve were there I would...
No, no, it was just the
Houston controller...
and they were checking the
alignment on our new antenna.
You'd better get your gear together.
They want us to start
mining immediately.
Of course.
Which is Colonel Austin's plane?
I have some papers
I don't want him to forget.
The Bonanza, sir.
Third in line.
Thanks.
Hey, Frank.
I've been looking for you.
Where's Rudy?
Rudy just took a commercial flight
back to Washington about an hour ago.
I had to hang in here and try to make talk
with these think-tank space brains.
Well, are you packed,
ready to leave?
Yeah, what's up?
There's an erratic storm front
moving in from the gulf.
I'd just as soon fly
and get ahead of it.
All right. Can we pick up
my gear on the way?
Yeah, sure.
O.S.I. Seven to National Control.
O.S.I. Seven, this is Nashville.
Hello, Nashville.
I'm bound for Washington.
I can't get on top of the storm.
My cockpit radar isn't much help.
Do you paint any clear spots
between here and Washington?
I'd like to vector out of this turbulence.
Sony, all I can tell you is
that you're not alone.
It's solid all over the
Eastern Seaboard...
and from the reports we're
getting from other stations...
it's happening all over the world.
What?
The rudder cable snapped.
She won't hold on aileron alone.
Give me your belt.
My what?
Come on, give me your belt!
I'm gonna try and control
the rudder cable manually.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
This storm is incredible.
Steve, can you glide down
through it or something?
I don't know.
But I have a chance
if I can manage the rudder.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Washington Tower, O.S.I. Seven.
I'm on the glide scope
but my instruments are erratic.
Do you have me on radar?
O.S.I. Seven, that's affirmative.
Our instruments are all
over the place, too.
You should have the lights
in sight in 30 seconds.
If not, use missed approach
procedure, and good luck.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Mic...
Washington Tower, O.S.I. Seven,
I'm executing missed approach.
I will...
Cancel, I see the lights.
Throttle.
One more?
One more.
Okay, ease off.
Come on, baby, hold.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(TIRES SQUEAK)
Okay, ease a bit.
Mic.
Ground Control, this is O.S.I. Seven.
Congratulations.
You're the first plane down in an hour.
When you get through the water, take
taxiway kilo 2-7 to the O.S.I. hangar.
O.S.I., Roger.
And thanks for the welcome.
Look, I'm sorry I had to call you
back in on this, Oscar...
but whatever's happened to the weather
is now becoming worldwide.
Any explanation from the
meteorologists?
No. None.
There's a typhoon
in Northern Japan.
There's a hurricane
along the Eastern Seaboard.
There are tornadoes
through the Midwest.
Australia reports tidal waves with
massive destruction in Sydney Harbor.
Storms like those in both
hemispheres at the same time?
Frank, what about some nation
using weather as a weapon?
Every country that has the
capability to modify weather...
they're in worse shape
than we are.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Yes.
SECRETARY: Mr. Goldman,
Dr. Tellman from Palomar University.
Put him on monitor one.
Am I on?
Mark, what's this all about?
Uh, we just had a report
from Canberra Observatory...
about a perturbation
in the moon's orbit, Oscar.
The figures are very inexact.
Our people here have computed
a second perturbation...
and we've been trying to
work out a theory.
The moon's orbit has
actually changed?
Goldstone radar just confirmed that
the moon is 18 kilometers closer...
to earth today than it was yesterday.
Does that mean
the orbit's decaying?
Frankly, we don't know
what it means.
But a change in the moon's orbit is
probably what's causing earth 's weather.
What could shift the moon?
No idea.
But we're working on it.
Thank you, Mark.
We'll keep in touch.
Thank you.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
There's no sign of any
dilanthium in this batch...
and that last charge
was the deepest blast.
It's there!
I know that it's there.
We'll have to go deeper.
(THUNDER BOOMING)
Steve, no let-up in the storms.
What would knock the orbit out?
A massive meteorite?
Palomar has been running
visual checks for new craters.
Yeah, on the front side of the moon.
But the dark side,
faced away from Earth...
any reaction would have pushed
the moon lower in orbit towards us.
They can't check that.
Well, what do we do?
We could prepare a satellite
and send it up to take some infrared photos.
Rudy is checking on
that possibility right now.
That'd take too long.
From the asteroids, Pluto One has a
clear view of the back side of the moon.
And they carry a telescope.
Put me through to
Houston, please.
Houston,
Steve Austin, O.S.I.
Patch me through to
Pluto One, please.
Houston Control calling Pluto One.
Pluto One, do you read?
Keep Hal and Bess down below
and keep them busy.
Doing what?
Anything, start a fight,
stand on your hands.
Only don't let them in here
while I'm talking to Earth.
This is gettin' old.
Come in, Pluto One.
Pluto One.
Steve Austin, Doctor.
We need your help.
Yes, Colonel, what I can do?
The weather system on earth
has gone completely haywire...
apparently due to some extreme
variation in the moon's orbit.
That's incredible.
We've no idea what's causing the problem
and a visual search of the moon...
has come up empty.
We'd like you to scan the dark side
from your position on the asteroid.
LEITH: Right away, yes.
Look for evidence of a recent
massive meteor hit...
or some volcanic activity that might
account for what's happening.
We'll get on it.
LEITH: I'll contact you as soon
as we've had a look.
Pluto One, out.
O.S.I., out.
Doctor, is anything wrong?
Well, not that I know of.
What do you mean?
Eric seems to be trying
to keep me out of here.
What a strange idea.
Why would he do that?
I don't know.
I think we're all getting
a little tense, don't you?
Been cooped up here...
a lot of pressures involved working in space.
You begin to imagine things.
I'm not imagining.
Well, perhaps not.
No matter.
You're certainly always welcome,
and if it happens again...
we will discuss it with Eric.
Now, what can I do for you?
I've checked all the samples and
there's no trace of dilanthium.
I'm afraid you've failed.
It's here.
We're just not deep enough.
I'm going to 100 kilotons.
High yield nuclear explosives?
It's too dangerous.
I gave you the seismic readings
on all the other explosives.
Bess, you are a brilliant analytical chemist,
you are not an astrogeologist.
The last shot had more power
than the upper safety limits...
put out by the International Nuclear
Power Commission Report.
Now we can't risk it.
You've got to get
approval from Earth.
I wouldn't dream of proceeding
without authority.
All our figures have been
verified by Earth.
You see, I'm not really a mad scientist
bent on blowing up the moon.
Earth okayed the 100 kiloton blast?
I just said that, didn't I?
Would you have any objections
to my contacting Houston...
and telling them of my concern?
I would have every objection.
LEITH: I don't mind your talking
when you have some point to convey.
But now you seem to wish
to infer that either I am lying...
or incapable of handling this mission.
LEITH:
In either case, I won't have it!
I merely want to verify the figures
on the blast reactions to date.
All figures have been verified.
And as long as I am leader of this group,
I will issue orders and you will accept them.
LEITH: I will not have Earth
given the impression...
that I'm incapable of handling
an emotional female.
My being female has
nothing to do with it!
You have a job to do.
It does not include pointless
conversations with Earth.
LEITH:
Now please get back to work.
When the supply and support mission
arrives in six weeks...
you may, if you wish,
return to Earth with them.
LEITH:
I will arrange for your replacement.
I'd like you to do that.
Listen, I...
Sorry, she got by me.
Look, I warned you,
we're gonna have to get rid of her.
After she's done what we need.
We have another problem.
What?
Ted's busted.
Well, you picked Ted.
He'll try again.
Oscar, I'm going to the
dark side of the moon.
The what?
Leith is covering it.
What are you going to find, Steve?
There's a limit to what Leith
can see from the asteroid.
At one-sixth gravity, I can cover
a lot of ground on the moon.
This time I'll go in
at full bionic power.
Steve, I'm not sure
it'll do any good.
Well, it's better than
sitting here waiting.
The answer's got
to be on the dark side.
I agree, but you have a problem.
The dark side is close
to absolute zero.
RUDY: Your bionics don't
function in extreme cold.
What about a miniature
atomic heat module in the suit?
We have one, but we haven't
had a chance to test it yet.
Let's call Houston, get Ted Harmon
and have that space suit ready.
Let's give it a try, Frank.
How does it feel?
A little stiff, a little awkward.
It'll be better in space.
Well, this is the standard
heavy duty version.
The thinner two-skin one
won't be ready until tomorrow.
I've had this one checked, though.
A computer study clears it
to absolute zero.
Well, let's see what
the computer knows.
Some moisture must have
leaked into the chamber.
Door's frozen shut.
Let me try it.
No, we better have it pumped out first.
The moisture might seal it again.
Well, I'll just have
to reopen again anyway.
Come on, Rudy,
we're wasting time.
All right.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(METAL CREAKING)
We're at minus
150 degrees Celsius.
How does it feel?
STEVE:
Cozy.
Your thermal unit's fine.
Okay, we're gonna drop.
Minus 200 degrees Celsius.
RUDY:
Minus 225 degrees Celsius.
Now how's it feel?
Just like being
on the beach in Hawaii.
Warm surf.
STEVE:
You ought to know about that.
All right, we're dropping.
We're going to 273 degrees Celsius.
The thermal unit's working like a charm.
It's condensation again.
I can't budge it,
the door is iced up.
We gotta get him out
of there right now...
the cold's gonna kill him in no time!
I'll get some help.
Come here.
Come on, lock out!
Get out of the way! Get back!
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
You sure do make a fella worry.
Sorry about that.
I can't understand what
happened to that space suit.
We'll find out,
you can be sure of that.
Steve!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right, Rudy?
Look, I want a complete investigation
of exactly what happened...
to the space suit in there.
You got it.
Now we better get
to the Bio-lab to warm up.
Look, I'll have plenty of time to
warm up on the way to Kennedy.
I want to get to that bird
and get to the moon.
What about the space suit?
I'll go with the double-skin model
and hope for the best.
All right.
The bird's ready.
It flies just as soon as
we can get you to the Cape.
Let's go.
OPERA TOR: O.S.I. One reports
second-stage separation completed.
Houston, put me through
to Pluto One, please.
Pluto One, this is Houston,
patch through to Oscar Goldman.
Houston, Pluto One.
Dr. Leith, this is
Oscar Goldman speaking.
Colonel Austin has just
taken off for the moon.
He will circle it and come down
on his former landing site.
The computer will feed
the coordinates of his flight.
Would you please
keep a sharp lookout?
If you see any evidence of trouble
on the moon, sun flares...
anything like that, please let me
know so we can alter the flight plan.
Indeed we will.
Pluto One, out.
We will take very good care
of Colonel Austin.
Anything yet?
No trace.
I know that it's here.
Would you like to
check out my test?
We've dug another seven meters.
These are the new samples.
That's unbelievably hard rock.
Houston, this is O.S.I. One.
OSCAR:
Down safe, Steve?
Safer than driving a car.
How's your weather?
Worse, if possible.
Well, it's like homecoming here.
Steve, are the scientific
instruments still standing?
Yes.
I'm looking at the seismic detector.
The radar target.
The sun angle's right and I'm getting a
big flare off the lenticular mirror we set up.
Do you know that mirror plotted your
landing site to within five centimeters.
That's funny, the dividing line between
the light side and the dark side...
seems a lot closer
than I remembered.
Could that be caused
by the change in orbit?
OS CAR: Could be.
Well, I'll be out of radio contact
as soon as I cross to the dark side.
So, until I find something
and come back, so long.
Good luck.
Steve, we're still checking for
the flaw in that other spacesuit.
Now remember, your bionics
can't function in extreme cold...
so be careful.
I will. O.S.I., out.
We know his co-ordinates
and we know the pass...
where he'll be crossing
the dividing line.
It's the only way through.
Austin is smart.
He won't be expecting
any ambush...
but he's not gonna be
any sitting duck.
He'll be crossing from full light
into absolute blackness.
It'll take him a few minutes
for his eyes to adjust.
That's when we get him.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(WHISTLING THROUGH SPACE)
LEITH: Let's wait for him
on the dark side of the pass.
ERIC: I don't particularly
like Austin...
but I also don't like
killing in cold blood.
Not killing.
I don't want him dead.
I want him back on his lander
blasting off for home.
That way no suspicions
will be aroused on Earth.
How do you expect to do that?
We 'll wait for him
by those rocks.
Then we'll shoot them
down on him.
Make him think he's
caught in a lunar quake.
Injure an arm or a leg,
damage his space suit...
anything to force him off the moon!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
There he is.
LEITH: Bon voyage to Earth,
Colonel Austin?
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
ERIC:
He's still coming!
LEITH:
One more step, Colonel Austin...
and you're the first
dead man on the moon.
(END THEME MUSIC)
It looks good at NASA One.
B-52 >PILOT:
Roger.
BCS Arm switch is on.
FLIGHT COM:
Okay, Victor.
B-52 PILOT: Landing Rocket Arm switch
is on. Here comes the throttle.
Circuit breakers in.
STEVE:
We have separation.
B-52 PILOT:
Inboard and outboards are on.
I'm comin' forward with the side stick.
FLIGHT COM:
Looks good.
PILOT:
Ah, Roger.
STEVE:
I've got a blowout in damper three.
SR-71 PILOT:
Get your pitch to zero.
STEVE:
Pitch is out. I can't hold altitude!
B-52 PILOT: Correction. Alpha Hold is oil“.
Threat selector is emergency.
STEVE: Flight Com. I can't hold it!
She's breaking up! She's breaking...
ANNOUNCER:
Steve Austin. Astronaut.
A man barely alive.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.
Steve Austin will be that man.
Better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.
(MAIN TITLE THEME)
LEITH: This asteroid is not any more
productive than any of the others.
It's useless.
There's no dilanthium here.
Doctor, our sensors show that
there is dilanthium here!
Now I know you wanted to
continue mining the moon...
but you found nothing.
It's there.
Unlimited clean energy.
You think.
But O.S.I. knows the asteroids
contain dilanthium.
That's why they sent us here.
Then where is it?
Well, if not here, there's thousands
of other asteroids to choose from.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Dr. Leith!
Isn't that dilanthium?
In microgram amounts.
Certainly not worth mining.
It would hardly meet the world's critical
demand for a practical supply.
But it is dilanthium.
It's useless.
I'm writing this entire expedition off
as an exercise in futility!
But you can't do that.
We did find dilanthium.
You're assigned to pilot the craft to this
asteroid, nothing more and nothing less!
I know that.
But the mission is not a failure.
When the day comes that you hold
a Nobel Prize in astrogeology...
you may make the decisions.
Until then, you are merely an accomplished
astronaut and the decisions are mine.
But you're wrong about this.
We are finished here, Colonel.
We're returning to Earth.
And that is an order.
Welcome back.
Did you have a good trip?
Fine.
How about you, Doctor?
I was never was optimistic
about mining asteroids.
But we did find what we went after.
I'm still convinced the moon is
a potentially richer source of dilanthium.
Well, come on, the lab should
have a preliminary report by now...
on the samples you brought back.
And Bess Fowler is
heading up the analysis team.
That should please you.
Yes.
Been a while
since you've seen her?
Couple of months.
Well, she's looking forward to it.
The sample from Asteroid L 123
yielded 5.7 milligrams.
The breccia sample from S 432,
8.3 milligrams.
That sounds right
in the ballpark, Bess.
Hello, Rudy.
Hi.
Steve!
Hi.
I watched your reentry.
You set it down almost
on top of the carrier.
Well, I hate long waits for pickup.
Hello, Dr. Leith.
Do you have the analysis?
Yes, the ore is low-grade and
the sample yield varies considerably...
but the dilanthium's in pure form.
Well, that proves asteroid mining
can be economically sound.
May I see the slide, please?
Of course.
Steve, can I see you in the lab?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
So how about a little dinner later?
I'd love to.
Good.
Oh, Steve?
What time?
Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I guess I've been
in space a little too long.
I'll call you when
I get through with Rudy.
Okay.
Well, I just don't know how normal
humans put up with earth gravity.
I mean, I can hardly raise
my feet off the floor.
We discussed that
before I adjusted you.
I know.
It was a mistake.
Look, if I hadn't toned down your bionics to
handle zero gravity on the asteroids...
you could have
forgotten your strength.
You'd have taken one leap and
launched yourself into space.
Next time just trust me
to remember, okay?
Okay.
Now just get me back to normal.
Try that.
All right. Sit down.
We'll have to fix that.
Doctor.
Oh, Ted.
You're looking fit, Eric....
Feeling fit, Doctor.
I always prefer a public place
for private conversations.
Less claustrophobic than
a room with drawn curtains.
You've heard the plan?
You'll pilot the mission?
Well, that sounds a little dangerous.
It's five million dollars, Eric.
How many people would
know about this?
Just the three of us.
Ted says it could cost a lot of lives.
Ted has a tendency to overreact.
He can fantasize.
But it is true,
about it costing a lot of lives?
Possibly.
But then, you wouldn't earn five million
dollars if it were an ordinary mission.
The question is: how much
do you want that money?
A lot.
Go, Steve!
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
That's it!
You could of drop-kicked a field
goal from a thousand yards.
Try your right arm again.
Ah...
What's the matter, Steve?
Is something wrong?
No.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(PHONE BUZZES)
Yes?
WOMAN:
Frank Tracey is here, Dr. Wells.
Send him in.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Frank!
How you doin'?
How are you?
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Hey, Frank!
Hello, Steve!
I thought you were working in Hawaii.
Well, I was, until Oscar pulled me back
to Washington and took away my sun tan.
What, a promotion?
Yeah, word is Oscar got kicked up
a couple of top secret notches.
However, he's dropped this whole
asteroid mining enchilada right in my lap.
So I'm afraid you're stuck with me
whether you like it or not.
Now, Kennedy's getting a bird ready
to fly you and the mining party back.
I've already spoken with Leith
about heading the group.
Wait a minute.
Why Leith?
He objected to asteroid mining from the
time we took off until we splashed down.
Best qualified for the job,
he's agreed to go.
I don't like the idea.
STEVE:
It just doesn't feel right.
You don't like the idea?
You don't like Leith?
Both.
Enough business, huh?
Who's gonna take me out to eat?
Sorry, but I made prior arrangements to
check out a new analytical heat process.
But I'll take a rain check.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, did I wake you up?
What do you think?
Come on, lazy, I'm hungry.
All right.
I don't think
the lobsters are ready.
I've been eating that
space junk for a long time.
Now that I'm away from Dr. Leith,
I think my appetite's coming back.
But let's not waste the day
talking business.
All discussion henceforth will be
limited to lobsters, wine or me.
Okay.
Hey.
The lobsters need turning.
Yeah, but I'm told that Texas doesn't
allow Maine lobsters into their state...
unless they first pass a test
that they do their own turning.
At least it's a little less frantic
than our last dinner.
You were leaving that night
for Japan, remember?
Your schedule made my
whole beautiful dinner...
seem like a trip to a local
one-arm diner.
Well, there's no reason to rush tonight.
Even less than you think...
since we're going to be spending
the next few months together.
How come?
Dr. Leith invited me to join the
mining team on the asteroid.
There's no lobster,
no swimming pool...
but there are other
compensations, right?
Maybe I can even bring along
a bottle of this wine.
I think all we'll need
is a romantic theme song.
Let's see, there's Moon Over Miami...
Moon In June, Moon Of Manakura.
Yeah, but we're going to
an asteroid, not the moon.
Can I help it if song writers aren't
alert to romantic opportunities?
How about My Heart Was
Destroyed On A Small Asteroid?
That's terrible.
I know.
I'll try again.
FRANK:
Well, Dr. Leith has picked his crew here.
He's asked for his son as Computer
Systems Technician and Navigator.
Hal?
Yeah.
Well, I don't mind Leith
keeping it in the family.
He's young, but he's good and
Bess has worked with him before.
Well, at least three-quarters
of the team will be happy.
Well, that's what I want
to talk to you about.
His pilot.
His pilot?
Yeah.
Eric Muller?
Muller's a top pilot.
Look, there are a lot of top pilots,
but I did the survey.
Steve, Leith picked him.
Well, just tell him it's my flight.
Bess assumes I was piloting.
I can't overrule the leader
of an expedition.
No, you fly the support
and supply mission.
Goes up midway
through the project.
Now wait a minute.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Yeah.
Mr. Tracey, Dr. Leith is here.
Send him in.
(DOOR OPENS)
Gentlemen.
Dr. Leith.
Doctor, I'd like you to
reconsider your choice of pilot.
I don't want you on my crew.
But I know the area
better than anyone else.
I can do very well without the temperament
and personality problems that you pose.
You question my decisions.
I assume that I still have the
authority to select my own crew.
Yes, you do.
I've already explained to Steve he'll
handle the support and supply mission.
That's fine.
This is your copy of the scientific
material that I'm going to need.
It's been pared it down to
an absolute minimum.
It'll have to be checked
against the total weight figures.
Eric will go over that with you.
Thank you.
Well, it doesn't help much,
but at least he was honest.
Well, what do you think?
It's all right, but fuel is gonna be
the difficult thing to conceal.
Somebody's gonna
notice that surplus.
Don't try to conceal it.
There are thousands of asteroids.
We may have to maneuver
to every one of them.
Say I demand the capability for that.
What about Hal?
What about him?
You haven't told him the plan?
No.
And when he finds out?
Hal may have his head in the stars...
but I am his father.
As my son,
he will do exactly as I say.
It's really the girl
I'm concerned about.
She could be trouble.
She's close to Austin.
LEITH:
Yes, well that's Ted's responsibility.
What am I supposed
to do about the girl?
Not the girl, Austin.
He's been assigned to fly support
during the mission.
He'd blow the whole plan!
LEITH: Yes, but you see, Ted is being cut
in for a large amount of money.
And Ted is going to earn it.
He's going to see to it that Colonel Austin
does not fly as scheduled.
Aren't you, Ted?
Look, when I agreed on joining you,
I didn't plan on killing anyone myself.
Well, no one said
anything about killing.
But accidents happen every day.
Don't they, Ted?
Step number one.
Now we have remote
communications with Earth.
And now we set up step two?
Right.
There are these alternate bases
on other asteroids just in case.
I've just had a call from Houston.
They've ordered us to abandon
this project and go to the moon.
To the moon?
But that's already been tried.
HAL: Dad, you yourself,
you sank a dozen sites.
On the light side of the moon...
but the dark side of the moon,
the volcanic side...
LEITH: that's where the dilanthium is.
But that rock's too hard for
anything but nuclear blasting.
Oh, we have the equipment, Hal.
But, Doctor, you must
know the dangers of—-
There's no point in discussing it.
Frank Tracey at O.S.I.
has given us our orders.
LEITH: Orders are orders.
Well, that's it, then.
ERIC: Stow all the gear
as quickly as possible.
I'll begin our check.
Let's get moving.
I'm sorry.
Well, you convinced them.
Now, how do we get away with it?
By convincing Mission Control
that we've never left here.
That antenna out there
will pick up earth's signals...
and relay it to us
wherever we are.
Their long distance call will simply be
a little longer distance than they realize.
I've mapped it out from some photographs
taken by the last lunar team...
as they made a pass at the dark side.
Now we come down and land over an
opening into this section of cratered caves.
Eric?
No sweat. Can do.
We make the caves airtight and then
pump in atmosphere from the lab.
What do you think, Hal?
That shouldn't be a problem
setting up a connecting airlock.
We can come and go
without having to suit up.
Bess?
Certainly will speed up
our mining operations...
being able to function in a shirtsleeve
environment both here and in the caves.
All right, the first thing we do
after we land is set up the antenna.
Everybody into landing positions.
Eric, it's all yours,
take it down.
CAPCOM:
Houston, calling Pluto One.
Pluto One, do you read?
Pluto One, this is Houston.
Come in, Pluto One.
Keep them occupied and down there.
LEITH:
Houston, this is Pluto One.
This is Houston Control.
We are checking antenna
alignment and communications.
Also wishing you a speedy return.
Thank you from all of us here.
Pluto One, out.
Excuse me, Doctor.
If that's Houston, I thought
if Steve were there I would...
No, no, it was just the
Houston controller...
and they were checking the
alignment on our new antenna.
You'd better get your gear together.
They want us to start
mining immediately.
Of course.
Which is Colonel Austin's plane?
I have some papers
I don't want him to forget.
The Bonanza, sir.
Third in line.
Thanks.
Hey, Frank.
I've been looking for you.
Where's Rudy?
Rudy just took a commercial flight
back to Washington about an hour ago.
I had to hang in here and try to make talk
with these think-tank space brains.
Well, are you packed,
ready to leave?
Yeah, what's up?
There's an erratic storm front
moving in from the gulf.
I'd just as soon fly
and get ahead of it.
All right. Can we pick up
my gear on the way?
Yeah, sure.
O.S.I. Seven to National Control.
O.S.I. Seven, this is Nashville.
Hello, Nashville.
I'm bound for Washington.
I can't get on top of the storm.
My cockpit radar isn't much help.
Do you paint any clear spots
between here and Washington?
I'd like to vector out of this turbulence.
Sony, all I can tell you is
that you're not alone.
It's solid all over the
Eastern Seaboard...
and from the reports we're
getting from other stations...
it's happening all over the world.
What?
The rudder cable snapped.
She won't hold on aileron alone.
Give me your belt.
My what?
Come on, give me your belt!
I'm gonna try and control
the rudder cable manually.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
This storm is incredible.
Steve, can you glide down
through it or something?
I don't know.
But I have a chance
if I can manage the rudder.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Washington Tower, O.S.I. Seven.
I'm on the glide scope
but my instruments are erratic.
Do you have me on radar?
O.S.I. Seven, that's affirmative.
Our instruments are all
over the place, too.
You should have the lights
in sight in 30 seconds.
If not, use missed approach
procedure, and good luck.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Mic...
Washington Tower, O.S.I. Seven,
I'm executing missed approach.
I will...
Cancel, I see the lights.
Throttle.
One more?
One more.
Okay, ease off.
Come on, baby, hold.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(TIRES SQUEAK)
Okay, ease a bit.
Mic.
Ground Control, this is O.S.I. Seven.
Congratulations.
You're the first plane down in an hour.
When you get through the water, take
taxiway kilo 2-7 to the O.S.I. hangar.
O.S.I., Roger.
And thanks for the welcome.
Look, I'm sorry I had to call you
back in on this, Oscar...
but whatever's happened to the weather
is now becoming worldwide.
Any explanation from the
meteorologists?
No. None.
There's a typhoon
in Northern Japan.
There's a hurricane
along the Eastern Seaboard.
There are tornadoes
through the Midwest.
Australia reports tidal waves with
massive destruction in Sydney Harbor.
Storms like those in both
hemispheres at the same time?
Frank, what about some nation
using weather as a weapon?
Every country that has the
capability to modify weather...
they're in worse shape
than we are.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Yes.
SECRETARY: Mr. Goldman,
Dr. Tellman from Palomar University.
Put him on monitor one.
Am I on?
Mark, what's this all about?
Uh, we just had a report
from Canberra Observatory...
about a perturbation
in the moon's orbit, Oscar.
The figures are very inexact.
Our people here have computed
a second perturbation...
and we've been trying to
work out a theory.
The moon's orbit has
actually changed?
Goldstone radar just confirmed that
the moon is 18 kilometers closer...
to earth today than it was yesterday.
Does that mean
the orbit's decaying?
Frankly, we don't know
what it means.
But a change in the moon's orbit is
probably what's causing earth 's weather.
What could shift the moon?
No idea.
But we're working on it.
Thank you, Mark.
We'll keep in touch.
Thank you.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
There's no sign of any
dilanthium in this batch...
and that last charge
was the deepest blast.
It's there!
I know that it's there.
We'll have to go deeper.
(THUNDER BOOMING)
Steve, no let-up in the storms.
What would knock the orbit out?
A massive meteorite?
Palomar has been running
visual checks for new craters.
Yeah, on the front side of the moon.
But the dark side,
faced away from Earth...
any reaction would have pushed
the moon lower in orbit towards us.
They can't check that.
Well, what do we do?
We could prepare a satellite
and send it up to take some infrared photos.
Rudy is checking on
that possibility right now.
That'd take too long.
From the asteroids, Pluto One has a
clear view of the back side of the moon.
And they carry a telescope.
Put me through to
Houston, please.
Houston,
Steve Austin, O.S.I.
Patch me through to
Pluto One, please.
Houston Control calling Pluto One.
Pluto One, do you read?
Keep Hal and Bess down below
and keep them busy.
Doing what?
Anything, start a fight,
stand on your hands.
Only don't let them in here
while I'm talking to Earth.
This is gettin' old.
Come in, Pluto One.
Pluto One.
Steve Austin, Doctor.
We need your help.
Yes, Colonel, what I can do?
The weather system on earth
has gone completely haywire...
apparently due to some extreme
variation in the moon's orbit.
That's incredible.
We've no idea what's causing the problem
and a visual search of the moon...
has come up empty.
We'd like you to scan the dark side
from your position on the asteroid.
LEITH: Right away, yes.
Look for evidence of a recent
massive meteor hit...
or some volcanic activity that might
account for what's happening.
We'll get on it.
LEITH: I'll contact you as soon
as we've had a look.
Pluto One, out.
O.S.I., out.
Doctor, is anything wrong?
Well, not that I know of.
What do you mean?
Eric seems to be trying
to keep me out of here.
What a strange idea.
Why would he do that?
I don't know.
I think we're all getting
a little tense, don't you?
Been cooped up here...
a lot of pressures involved working in space.
You begin to imagine things.
I'm not imagining.
Well, perhaps not.
No matter.
You're certainly always welcome,
and if it happens again...
we will discuss it with Eric.
Now, what can I do for you?
I've checked all the samples and
there's no trace of dilanthium.
I'm afraid you've failed.
It's here.
We're just not deep enough.
I'm going to 100 kilotons.
High yield nuclear explosives?
It's too dangerous.
I gave you the seismic readings
on all the other explosives.
Bess, you are a brilliant analytical chemist,
you are not an astrogeologist.
The last shot had more power
than the upper safety limits...
put out by the International Nuclear
Power Commission Report.
Now we can't risk it.
You've got to get
approval from Earth.
I wouldn't dream of proceeding
without authority.
All our figures have been
verified by Earth.
You see, I'm not really a mad scientist
bent on blowing up the moon.
Earth okayed the 100 kiloton blast?
I just said that, didn't I?
Would you have any objections
to my contacting Houston...
and telling them of my concern?
I would have every objection.
LEITH: I don't mind your talking
when you have some point to convey.
But now you seem to wish
to infer that either I am lying...
or incapable of handling this mission.
LEITH:
In either case, I won't have it!
I merely want to verify the figures
on the blast reactions to date.
All figures have been verified.
And as long as I am leader of this group,
I will issue orders and you will accept them.
LEITH: I will not have Earth
given the impression...
that I'm incapable of handling
an emotional female.
My being female has
nothing to do with it!
You have a job to do.
It does not include pointless
conversations with Earth.
LEITH:
Now please get back to work.
When the supply and support mission
arrives in six weeks...
you may, if you wish,
return to Earth with them.
LEITH:
I will arrange for your replacement.
I'd like you to do that.
Listen, I...
Sorry, she got by me.
Look, I warned you,
we're gonna have to get rid of her.
After she's done what we need.
We have another problem.
What?
Ted's busted.
Well, you picked Ted.
He'll try again.
Oscar, I'm going to the
dark side of the moon.
The what?
Leith is covering it.
What are you going to find, Steve?
There's a limit to what Leith
can see from the asteroid.
At one-sixth gravity, I can cover
a lot of ground on the moon.
This time I'll go in
at full bionic power.
Steve, I'm not sure
it'll do any good.
Well, it's better than
sitting here waiting.
The answer's got
to be on the dark side.
I agree, but you have a problem.
The dark side is close
to absolute zero.
RUDY: Your bionics don't
function in extreme cold.
What about a miniature
atomic heat module in the suit?
We have one, but we haven't
had a chance to test it yet.
Let's call Houston, get Ted Harmon
and have that space suit ready.
Let's give it a try, Frank.
How does it feel?
A little stiff, a little awkward.
It'll be better in space.
Well, this is the standard
heavy duty version.
The thinner two-skin one
won't be ready until tomorrow.
I've had this one checked, though.
A computer study clears it
to absolute zero.
Well, let's see what
the computer knows.
Some moisture must have
leaked into the chamber.
Door's frozen shut.
Let me try it.
No, we better have it pumped out first.
The moisture might seal it again.
Well, I'll just have
to reopen again anyway.
Come on, Rudy,
we're wasting time.
All right.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(METAL CREAKING)
We're at minus
150 degrees Celsius.
How does it feel?
STEVE:
Cozy.
Your thermal unit's fine.
Okay, we're gonna drop.
Minus 200 degrees Celsius.
RUDY:
Minus 225 degrees Celsius.
Now how's it feel?
Just like being
on the beach in Hawaii.
Warm surf.
STEVE:
You ought to know about that.
All right, we're dropping.
We're going to 273 degrees Celsius.
The thermal unit's working like a charm.
It's condensation again.
I can't budge it,
the door is iced up.
We gotta get him out
of there right now...
the cold's gonna kill him in no time!
I'll get some help.
Come here.
Come on, lock out!
Get out of the way! Get back!
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
You sure do make a fella worry.
Sorry about that.
I can't understand what
happened to that space suit.
We'll find out,
you can be sure of that.
Steve!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right, Rudy?
Look, I want a complete investigation
of exactly what happened...
to the space suit in there.
You got it.
Now we better get
to the Bio-lab to warm up.
Look, I'll have plenty of time to
warm up on the way to Kennedy.
I want to get to that bird
and get to the moon.
What about the space suit?
I'll go with the double-skin model
and hope for the best.
All right.
The bird's ready.
It flies just as soon as
we can get you to the Cape.
Let's go.
OPERA TOR: O.S.I. One reports
second-stage separation completed.
Houston, put me through
to Pluto One, please.
Pluto One, this is Houston,
patch through to Oscar Goldman.
Houston, Pluto One.
Dr. Leith, this is
Oscar Goldman speaking.
Colonel Austin has just
taken off for the moon.
He will circle it and come down
on his former landing site.
The computer will feed
the coordinates of his flight.
Would you please
keep a sharp lookout?
If you see any evidence of trouble
on the moon, sun flares...
anything like that, please let me
know so we can alter the flight plan.
Indeed we will.
Pluto One, out.
We will take very good care
of Colonel Austin.
Anything yet?
No trace.
I know that it's here.
Would you like to
check out my test?
We've dug another seven meters.
These are the new samples.
That's unbelievably hard rock.
Houston, this is O.S.I. One.
OSCAR:
Down safe, Steve?
Safer than driving a car.
How's your weather?
Worse, if possible.
Well, it's like homecoming here.
Steve, are the scientific
instruments still standing?
Yes.
I'm looking at the seismic detector.
The radar target.
The sun angle's right and I'm getting a
big flare off the lenticular mirror we set up.
Do you know that mirror plotted your
landing site to within five centimeters.
That's funny, the dividing line between
the light side and the dark side...
seems a lot closer
than I remembered.
Could that be caused
by the change in orbit?
OS CAR: Could be.
Well, I'll be out of radio contact
as soon as I cross to the dark side.
So, until I find something
and come back, so long.
Good luck.
Steve, we're still checking for
the flaw in that other spacesuit.
Now remember, your bionics
can't function in extreme cold...
so be careful.
I will. O.S.I., out.
We know his co-ordinates
and we know the pass...
where he'll be crossing
the dividing line.
It's the only way through.
Austin is smart.
He won't be expecting
any ambush...
but he's not gonna be
any sitting duck.
He'll be crossing from full light
into absolute blackness.
It'll take him a few minutes
for his eyes to adjust.
That's when we get him.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(WHISTLING THROUGH SPACE)
LEITH: Let's wait for him
on the dark side of the pass.
ERIC: I don't particularly
like Austin...
but I also don't like
killing in cold blood.
Not killing.
I don't want him dead.
I want him back on his lander
blasting off for home.
That way no suspicions
will be aroused on Earth.
How do you expect to do that?
We 'll wait for him
by those rocks.
Then we'll shoot them
down on him.
Make him think he's
caught in a lunar quake.
Injure an arm or a leg,
damage his space suit...
anything to force him off the moon!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
There he is.
LEITH: Bon voyage to Earth,
Colonel Austin?
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
ERIC:
He's still coming!
LEITH:
One more step, Colonel Austin...
and you're the first
dead man on the moon.
(END THEME MUSIC)