The Six Million Dollar Man (1974–1978): Season 4, Episode 3 - Double Trouble - full transcript
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
DR. BARTO: The man who will soon be elected the
prime minister in the Republic of Vorsana.
NIKO: And the man we found, who,
but for the moustache...
looks almost exactly
like the prime minister...
the night club comedian,
Billy Parker.
MAN: Excellent, Dr. Barto.
Niko, you've done your work well.
Now we can guarantee our friends
that the Republic of Vorsana...
will not align itself with the capitalists.
What about the implant surgery,
Dr. Barto?
BARTO: The surgery is being performed
right now by my staff in New York City.
MAN: And Parker suspects nothing?
BARTO: Nothing.
BARTO: I told him he needed some
minor cosmetic surgery on his neck.
BARTO: It's incredible to think
that that tiny implant...
can control Parker's behavior.
MAN: Yes, it is remarkable.
MAN: We are the pioneers in this field,
you know?
NIKO: And he won't be
aware of the implant?
MAN: No, a few hours after surgery
he'll be quite normal.
MAN: You will test the implant, Dr. Barto...
to make sure Parker responds
to the commands you give him.
MAN: Then he will be ready
to do our bidding.
FLIGHT COM:
It looks good at NASA One.
B- 52 >PILOT:
Roger.
BCS Arm switch is on.
FLIGHT COM:
Okay, Victor.
B-52 PILOT: Landing Rocket Arm switch is on.
Here comes the throttle.
Circuit breakers in.
STEVE:
We have separation.
B-52 PILOT:
Inboard and outboards are on.
I'm comin' forward with the side stick.
FLIGHT COM:
Looks good.
PILOT:
Ah, Roger.
STEVE:
I've got a blowout in damper three.
SR-71 PILOT:
Get your pitch to zero.
STEVE:
Pitch is out. I can't hold altitude!
B-52 PILOT: Correction. Alpha Hold is off.
Threat selector is emergency.
STEVE: Flight Com. I can't hold it!
She's breaking up! She's breaking...
ANNOUNCER:
Steve Austin. Astronaut.
A man barely alive.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.
Steve Austin will be that man.
Better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.
(MAIN TITLE THEME)
MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Dipsy-Doo Room takes pride...
in presenting yours, mine, everybody's
favorite master of merriment...
Mrs. Parker's bouncing boy Billy!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Thank you very much.
I'd like to take a moment to thank
my mother who made it all possible.
You remember my mother,
Mrs. Parker?
You probably had her sausages,
Parker sausage?
I'd like to thank a lot of you
for staying over from the first show.
And like they say, I was told this
when I first started in show business.
Be nice to the people
that you meet going up.
Because they're the same
people you meet coming back.
And I want to say, it's a pleasure
to see you people again.
(LAUGHS)
Yes, I want to tell you this one
about the prejudiced parrot.
You like that, huh?
I told you I'd get you in.
This is my brother-in-law here.
He's the guy you gave your car to
out front, remember?
He changed the jacket. Yeah.
That's howl feel
about his sister, too.
Oh, yes, this one about
the prejudiced parrot.
Guy goes into a pet shop, see...
and he says to the
pet shop proprietor there...
that's the guy that owns the shop,
I shouldn't have to explain him.
I assume everybody here's
a high school graduate, right?
Says I'd like to sell this parrot,
but in selling the parrot to you...
I'd like to ask that you don't sell
the parrot to a black person...
because the parrot is prejudiced.
Yes, so, he says
I'd like to buy this parrot.
No, that's a different story.
Oh, see.
Yes, well, there were some other stories I
didn't get to finish the last time I was here...
and the management said it'll be
a cold day before you're back here again.
And I just checked outside, just 42.
So I figured, I figured
I'd finish those stories.
(LAUGHTER)
You know,
I don't do this for a living, folks.
I mean, you wouldn't
consider this living, would you?
A lot of you fail to realize either you laugh
at me or I'll go break into your house.
(LAUGHTER)
That's right? Yes, yes, yeah.
Let's cut out the joking,
I mean the laughing.
This ain't a joke,
it's already been cut out, huh?
Oh, back to this
prejudiced parrot, folks.
Guy goes into the shop,
he says, "I want to sell this parrot."
So the proprietor says,
"Sell the parrot to me?"
And the guy says, "Yes, but look,
when you try and sell the parrot...
"I don't want you to sell it to a black person
because the parrot is prejudiced."
I said that, right?
Okay?
So, the pet shop provider
buys the parrot...
and pretty soon
a black guy comes in.
"You got any parrots?"
Pet shop proprietor says,
"Certainly we have a parrot."
Guy says,
"You have any parrot that talk?"
Guy says, "Certainly we
have a parrot that's talk.
"First, though, let me run
the parrot's history down to you."
Fella says, "If the parrot can talk,
let him run it down hisself."
Doctor, this is Niko.
I'm at the nightclub.
Billy Parker has begun his act.
Are you in a position
to observe him?
Yes.
Hey, look!
That parrot story's for the birds...
so we'll get back to that later, okay?
Hey, what's black and white
and got three eyes?
Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr.
Then we shall see
if the implant works.
I'll feed in the instructions.
(DEVICE BEEPING)
What goes up and never comes...
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
(CLUCKING LIKE CHICKEN)
Is he flapping his arms and crowing?
NIKO: Yes.
Does he seem to know he's doing it?
Well, he knows he's doing something,
but he doesn't seem to know what.
Man, I'm starting to get laughs
with the straight lines.
Hey, like I was saying, what goes up
and never comes down?
Think about it! Huh?
We're getting close!
Come on!
MAN: A rooster.
No, not a rooster, turkey.
His response indicates that
the implant is functioning.
Is he still performing?
NIKO: Yes.
I'd like to try another test.
(DEVICE BEEPING)
Not a rooster...
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
You instructed him to eat his shoe?
With salt.
He's doing it.
The preliminary tests indicate
a high degree of precise response.
What happens now?
The experiments are over.
Parker is now ready to perform the
mission we prepared him for.
Stay with him and don't
let him out of your sight.
Night, folks.
Hey, Billy, I hear you killed
the people in there tonight.
Wiped 'em out!
Any more bodies in there?
A few chicks at the bar.
Where you heading?
Goin' to a pool hall, but I'll be back
in time for the last show.
Look out!
(HORN HONKS)
How is he?
Unconscious.
He walked right in front of the cab.
I wasn't speedin' or nuthin':
NIKO:
Is he breathing?
DOORMAN:
Yeah, but he don't look too good.
He walked right in front of my cab.
Better get him to a hospital.
I have a car. I'll take him.
DOORMAN: Hold it.
He shouldn't be moved.
Call an ambulance.
Right!
Wait a second,
I can get him there faster.
Leave him alone.
Dr. Barto, what could I do?
He wasn't looking
where he was walking.
By the time I saw the taxi come...
You should have
taken him in your car.
That's what I tried to do,
but they wouldn't let me.
I just couldn't grab him on the street,
there were people all around!
All I could do was follow the
ambulance to the hospital.
How badly was he hurt?
He's in emergency,
that's all they would tell me.
What was his condition when
they put him in the ambulance?
Well, he was unconscious.
He didn't look like
he had any broken bones...
but he was bleeding
slightly from the head.
His head?
I know it sounds bad...
Dr. Barto, but don't get excited.
I used to work in a hospital,
I've seen plenty of head injuries...
and I can tell you right now
it wasn't serious.
What probably happened was he hit
his head on the street when he fell.
It's what they used to call a superficial
contusion of the scalp, I'll bet.
All they'll do is probably take
some X-rays of the head and...
Look, get back to the hospital.
Get an accurate report.
If they take head X-rays,
we're finished!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Just a couple more things, Steve.
Well, don't you realize
it's almost midnight? I'm tired.
I'm sorry about the hour, Steve.
We have to update physical
fluctuations in your time cycles.
Okay, let's try the punching bag.
Ready?
Go.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Hold it!
Eh, for a tired man
that was pretty good.
Compares favorably
with your daytime capabilities.
Now let's try skipping rope.
(PHONE RINGING)
All right, go on, warm up,
I'll be right back.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
RUDY: Hold it, Steve!
That was Oscar.
What, this late?
He's on his way over.
He wants to see
both of us right now.
OSCAR: Now you see this
dark area below the right ear?
All right, here is a blow-up
of that area.
What does it look like to you,
Steve?
Well, it's too regular for a growth.
Looks like some kind of implant.
We've known for some time that the
Russians have been working on...
transmitting brain impulses
electronically.
And you think this is
that kind of a device?
What does it look like
to you, Rudy?
Location certainly suggests it could
be used for cerebral control, yes.
That's what the neurosurgeon
in New York thinks.
That's why he sent us these X-rays.
Who's the patient?
His name is Billy Parker,
he's a nightclub comedian.
Why would the Russians want to control
the brain of a nightclub comedian?
That's what I want you to find out, pal.
We're leaving for New York
in 25 minutes.
Parker's being released
from the hospital this morning.
I've arranged for you to be his bodyguard,
you'll be with him day and night.
I still can't figure out why
they picked out a comic to control.
Well, his is the only implant
that we've discovered.
But that doesn't mean there aren't
others that we don't know about.
Yeah, there could be thousands
walking around like that, under control.
You gotta stay close to him, Steve.
We've got to find out
who's behind all this.
And Billy Parker
is the only lead we've got!
(SIREN WAILING)
PA: Dr. Rich, tie line, Dr. Rich.
Physical therapist, report to Group 120.
Nurse McClain, report to maternity.
Nurse McClain.
Nurse, I understand one of
our patients from Emergency...
a William Parker has
been transferred here.
Parker... Parker, oh, yes,
he's in 411.
May I see the chart, please?
Yes.
William Parker.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Now is there anything else?
I don't want any slip ups.
See if there's been any
inquiries about Parker.
I better make sure any mention
of X-rays is deleted from his chart.
The chart's already been altered, Steve.
Pal, good luck.
Thanks.
Nurse?
Yes, Doctor?
Parker was bleeding from a scalp laceration
when he was admitted last night.
Were any X-rays taken?
The chart should show that.
I can't find any reference to it.
Dr. Highland might know.
Dr. Highland?
Parker in 411 is your patient,
isn't he?
Yes.
Was he X-rayed
on admission last night?
What is it, Nurse?
Has there been some problem?
The intern from Emergency...
I'm sorry, he was here.
Come with me, we're gonna
need a description of that intern.
I've examined Parker's medical chart.
There is no mention of X-rays.
I guess the head injury was superficial.
Excellent.
The next step is to
check out the implant.
Is he still in Emergency?
He's been moved to a private room.
Try and find a way to observe him.
I'll beam a directive
at precisely 2:00 p. m.
All right.
What should I look for?
I'll command him to march around the room,
go to the window, and salute.
You got 15 seconds...
Come on, man!
You can guess that one!
Think, baby, think!
Hurry, your time is running out.
Hey, look at this guy.
All he has to say is "things you find in a
kitchen" and he can win ten big ones.
I'd sure like to be where that dude is.
Who are you?
Steve.
You a doctor?
Nope.
The club sent me to look after you.
What's up?
All of a sudden I need a nursemaid?
I can take care of myself.
Well, you didn't do such
a good job last night.
That was a jive accident.
Was it?
Certainly, why should anybody want
to hurt a harmless, gentle comic?
That's the problem,
Billy, you're too funny.
You see, the owners of the Starbright Room
wanted to buy your contract...
our boss turned them down.
Hey, I made it!
Got my own bodyguard,
got two clubs fighting over me.
All of a sudden,
I'm like Fort Knox.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
What you do that for?
Do what?
What you just did.
I don't know, lately I've been
having a lot of strange feelings.
(BIONIC EYE SOUND EFFECT)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in!
Rudy, come in.
Any word from Steve?
Yes, he called from the hospital.
Parker responded to, evidently
a innocuous, meaningless command.
It was probably a test.
He said that he saw some man
observing from a nearby building.
Sounds like the same man
that posed as an intern.
Did Steve get any more information
on Parker's operation?
It was performed a month ago by
a doctor who frequented the nightclub.
He evidently convinced Parker that he had a
growth on his neck that had to be removed.
And no such doctor exists, right?
Of course not.
I've got a description here from
some of the people in the night club.
Whitish hair, 6'2", heavy-set,
200 pounds, light complexion.
Steve, old buddy,
you're something else.
Hey, I've got $500 here
that says I'll beat you.
No bet.
We're still trying
to collect on your last bet, Billy.
Hey, but that's all I got.
Look, tell Hermie...
Hermie tells...
and what Hermie told us
was it was five G's or else!
Well, I ain't got it!
Then we'll try the "or else".
Now come on, guys, lay off.
Out of the way, punk!
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
STEVE: You don't want
this to happen to you?
Come on!
Hey, how did you do that?
You pulverized that ball.
It was a fake ball. I always
carry 'em to scare off the punks.
Here, try one.
I gotta make a phone call.
Hey, maybe I could
use that in my act.
Ladies and gentlemen,
gather around.
I call your attention to this solid ivory
billiard ball that I hold in my hand.
In an amazing display of
strength and dexterity...
I shall crush this solid sphere into
powdery dust before your very eyes.
Drum roll!
(IMITATES DRUM ROLL)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, at least I got
more laughs than he did.
I've been making the rounds
visiting his hangouts.
OSCAR:
Now, Steve, listen to me.
I want you to be very careful.
Whoever these people are
and whatever they want...
they'll eventually
have to get rid of you.
Well, that's a pleasant thought.
I'm just trying to impress upon you
that you have to be on your guard.
I'm impressed.
Against everybody.
That funny man who wants to
have you around all the time?
He can be programmed to kill you!
Don't turn your back on him!
Thanks, pal.
Stevie, ask her if she
got a friend for me!
If any of these guys get reckless,
you crunch this, then I'll take over.
Because I'm not afraid
of any of these bums.
I'll knock 'em all out.
I don't really need you, you know?
I can handle myself.
I can really handle myself.
(DOOR CLOSES)
What was that?
Billy, oh, it's good to see you.
How you doin', love?
I tried to call you
at the hospital.
Are you okay?
Yeah, they hit my head,
they played to my strength.
Say, I want you to lay five
on my new buddy, Stevie here.
Stevie, this is my girl.
Hi, Stevie.
My pleasure.
The Starbright Room's been putting
a little pressure to get me over there...
so the boss hired Stevie
to guard this magnificent body.
I don't know, he's so cute,
I don't think he'll frighten anybody away.
Hey, well, Stevie, show her
what kind of protection I got.
I'll send her references.
C'mon. Do it one more time.
Even though you're not Count Basie.
Okay, pal.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
That's my friend. It's a phony ball,
but it shakes up the party.
BILLY:
Right, Stevie?
You bet.
TECHNICIAN #1:
Anything yet?
TECHNICIAN #2: Nope, I've tried
every channel over and over again.
I think we'd better check in
with Mr. Goldman.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oscar Goldman here.
Mr. Goldman, this is Birdwatch.
Yes.
There's been no transmission
since the one in the hospital.
Are you positive?
Yes, sir.
All right, keep me informed.
Yes, sir.
The monitoring unit says there's been
no transmission to Parker's brain...
since the hospital.
Here, you need this.
Problem is that the transmission is too brief
for us to get a triangulation on it.
I don't like this, Rudy.
If Parker hadn't been injured,
we wouldn't have even known about it!
Yeah, I know that.
I've got a team working on
a detector for brain implants...
just so we don't get caught
flat-footed again.
Meanwhile, Steve is acting as
a bodyguard to a walking time bomb...
would be assassin, or God knows what.
Have you run Parker's picture
through the computer?
Here and Interpol computer,
everywhere.
And he bears no resemblance to any
governmental, political or military leader...
in office today.
That leaves assassin.
I hope you're wrong.
I hope I am, too.
Have you seen the morning paper?
BARTO:
No, I haven't.
Newly elected prime minister of Vorzana
to address United Nations tomorrow.
Leader of this emerging African nation...
expected to confirm his country's
break with the Soviet bloc.
The United Nations
may be in for a surprise.
Is there a picture?
No.
Good.
I'll call his embassy again
and reconfirm his visit to the gallery.
Uh, speaking of the
Soviet Bloc, Dr. Barto...
I think you better tell them
that I've got to have more money.
Hang on a minute.
Thank you for coming in.
Do come again.
You can not be serious, Niko!
That isn't very smart!
I was hired to keep an eye on Parker,
but now Parker's got a shadow.
What are you talking about?
That guy who was in Parker’s
hospital room, he's still with him.
You mean you think
he's hired a bodyguard?
That's what it looks like.
But why?
Beats me.
The thing is, Dr. Barto,
when I made my deal...
nobody said anything about
taking out a bodyguard.
Look, Niko.
I don't like blackmail, and our
employers won't like it either.
Dr. Barto.
This isn't blackmail.
This is hazard pay I'm talking about.
It's like you hire me
to play the violin and I say okay...
and then you tell me later that
I've got to play the violin underwater.
It's much tougher, don't you see?
Ten percent more.
Twenty.
Very well.
But I want that bodyguard out
of the way, do you understand?
You mean rub him out?
Precisely.
(DIAL TONE)
Parker should be into his act by now.
When he's finished he'll be programmed
to leave the club through the alley door.
His bodyguard, of course,
will come out with him.
You take it from there.
I'm going in to watch the show.
Hear about the blind man
and the man with no legs?
The men on the street?
Man with no legs says to the blind man,
"So how's it going with you?"
Blind man said,
"I've seen better days.
"How's it going with you?"
Man with no legs said,
"I can't kick."
Why is it the ugly people
always sit down front?
You know, it's hard to be funny
with a bunch of ugly people staring at you.
I could point some out,
there are a few here.
Most of the people
here are pretty nice.
I could point out the
ugly people, but I'm not.
Because the ugly people
know who they are.
There's an old show business saying...
"Be nice to the people
you meet on the way up...
"because those are the same
people you meet on the way back."
But it was the famous quotation
of Colonel Parker, who said...
"You don't have to be nice
to the people on the way up...
"if you don't intend to come back."
I decided in place of the parrot routine...
I would do another pet shop story.
Okay? I didn't want you to get left out.
Okay, it's a pet shop.
Guy goes into a pet shop.
He says to the proprietor,
"Do you have any singers?
"Do you have any birds that sing?"
Proprietor says, "Yes, I do."
Fella said, "Well, I'll take one."
So the proprietor showed him a bird,
said, "Will this bird do?"
The guy said, "Can this bird sing?"
Proprietor said, "Can he sing?
He has an arrangement to all of his tunes."
Fella said, "Well, I'll take him!
How much is he?"
Guy said, "$30."
So the fella takes the bird home.
Lil' ol' parakeet.
He takes him home
and he sits him there.
He's got the bird home about 15 minutes
and he comes rushing into the pet shop.
He says, "I want my money back!"
The proprietor said, "What's wrong?"
Fella said,
"When I got this bird home...
"I found out one of his legs
was shorter than the other."
The fella said, "Well, I'm not
giving your money back.
"When you came in here,
you asked for a singer.
"If you wanted a dancer,
you should have said so."
Well, I gotta go, folks.
I'm startin' to melt.
Is he still performing?
Yes.
I'll feed in the instructions.
Well, I like to close by saying the words of
my father, who was a performer before me.
My father told me, you run into the
same people on the way back...
that you run into on the way up.
And I conclude by saying...
the next time I run into you,
I hope I'm driving a truck.
That was a great group.
How'd you like the act?
You done okay.
Okay?
I was sensational.
I really had them!
Didn't you hear those laughs?
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
What's the matter, pal?
Let's get out of here.
Where are you going?
O-Out!
Why?
I... I don't... I just got to.
Wait a minute, do you know
where you're going?
Out, man!
Out!
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Rudy, you know what we ought to do?
We oughta just pick up
Parker right now.
No, that wouldn't work.
Whoever controls Parker would find
that out and vanish into the woodwork.
It might be worth it,
at least we'd stop him.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, Steve.
Oscar, we've got a problem.
I can't handle any more
problems, not tonight, pal.
Parker’s disappeared.
What?
You heard me, he's vanished.
I'm sure it's the implant in his brain
that set him running.
Do you realize he could be on
a plane to anywhere right now?
I know. I gotta go,
Oscar, if I'm gonna find him.
Parker got away from Steve?
This is Oscar Goldman speaking.
I want men at every airport
in New York.
On the docks,
in the bus and train stations.
If you see Billy Parker grab him!
MAN: Yes, sir.
We'll talk to you later, Mr. Goldman.
I'll be here all night.
Keep me informed.
MAN: Yes, sir.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Billy.
You know better than to call
in the middle of the night.
(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)
Honey, in this business,
8:30 AM. is the middle of the night.
Sure, honey.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
Of course.
Anywhere you say.
Are you okay?
I'll be right there.
Hey! You Susan Simmons?
Yes.
Hop in.
Why?
Why, shmy.
Didn't a guy call you and tell you
he'd pick you up in a cab on this corner?
Well, where is he?
He asked me to drop him off
at the store and pick him up later.
What kind of store?
Store shmore.
All I know is he runs up
162 bucks on my meter.
He good for it?
Good, shmood, how do I know?
This is where I dropped him.
Sorry, Sister, this cab is taken.
Just shut up and drive.
Billy, honey, what's happening?
Two goons tried to
grab me last night.
I didn't know where to go, so I been
riding around in this cab all night.
I told you that bodyguard wasn't
going to be enough protection.
Whaddya mean?
I'm alive, ain't I?
Which is not what you're gonna be
if you ain't got my $164.50.
Will you listen to this guy!
People are trying to kill me
and he's worried about money!
Kill, shmill!
All I want is my fare.
Would you shut up and drive.
What are you going to do now?
I got to find my bodyguard.
Maybe those two men killed him.
Nah, it'd take more than
two guys to do the job.
Let's go to the club.
If he's smart, he'll go
lookin' for you there.
Why don't you go to the club,
in case someone else is waiting for me.
I've tried his apartment
and all his known hangouts.
Well, he's worried and he's hiding.
The trouble is, it makes
it hard for me to find him, too.
Look, all I can do is wait here, and...
I'll call you back, Oscar.
Hello, Susan.
He's been looking for you.
Now that he's found me,
where can I find him?
He'll drive by the front
of the club every six minutes.
He's due about now.
Ah, Steve...
Oh, by the way,
he's dressed like a nun.
Thanks, Susan.
Okay.
I followed him all night.
He's been driving around in a cab.
Doctor, did you program him
to change into a nun's habit?
No.
He's obviously frightened
and trying to hide.
But you stay with him.
I'm going to bring him into the gallery.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
His cab is stopping in front of the club.
Take me to the Eastside Gallery.
Make up your mind!
You told me to stop here.
Never mind what I told you.
Just do what I say!
The bodyguard just showed up!
Don't worry.
I'll take care of him.
What happened to you
last night when I needed you?
Look, buddy, I wanted to go
come back and help you.
I tried!
I really tried.
I've been getting
these strange urges.
We're going to
the Eastside Gallery.
What, another crazy urge?
No, this time I got a reason.
Yeah? Like what?
I had a reason.
It'll come to me
when we get there.
Eastside Gallery, please.
(HORN HONKS)
Comes to exactly $174.20.
Pay the man, Stevie.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Hold it, Stevie.
I just remembered something.
Remembered what?
Why we're here?
Something like that.
Your Excellency?
Your Excellency?
Wait here, gentlemen,
we won't be long.
After you, sir.
Welcome to our exhibit,
your Excellency.
Thank you.
Our most interesting artifacts
are in the rear of the gallery.
Take him.
Karno!
I'm sorry, sir, I truly am.
But the offer was
too much to refuse...
and they promised
you wouldn't be harmed.
Where are you going?
I've got to get in here.
Why?
My life depends on it.
First thing we gotta do
is get you a change of clothes.
Where are you going?
Mr. Parker.
What do you want?
Shall we go?
Unhand the rags, Jack.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Say, old buddy...
let's go look at some African art.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
I just love African Art.
That's nothing.
The really great works
are kept in the back room.
Well, take me to it.
Enough is enough!
You gonna be a...
Hey, who's this guy?
Except for the mustache...
Now I get it.
You guys work for the
Starbright Room.
And since you couldn't
buy my contract...
now you're gonna try to pass this cat
off on the public as Billy Parker.
Yeah, well, just wait until
he tries to get some laughs.
Then you'll see.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
C'mon, let's go with the makeup.
The ends are too long
and make it a little higher.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(METAL CREAKING)
Perfect.
Behold, your Excellency.
It is like looking into a mirror,
is it not?
As I'm sure you're curious,
I shall explain.
Your speech to the United Nations this
afternoon will be delivered as scheduled.
However, it will be made
by this man, not by you.
You were going
to condemn the Soviet bloc...
and pledge the allegiance
of your country to the West.
This gentleman,
on the other hand...
his speech will be
somewhat different.
Listen.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I bring you greetings...
from the people
of the Republic of Vorzana.
Contrary to the reports
in the capitalistic press...
my country has no intention
of changing its political ties.
We will honor our past commitments,
be loyal to our friends...
and not be seduced by siren songs
of Western democracies.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
PARKER: because the Soviet bloc
has provided the Republic of Vorzana...
with supplies and technicians
in the fields of public health...
communications and transportation...
Secondly, because those
technicians and supplies...
have come to us
without any demands whatsoever.
And thirdly, and perhaps
more importantly...
(WEAK ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Stevie, where have you been?
Out looking for you.
Who is this?
I don't know.
Thank you, sir.
I don't know you, or your motive,
but your arrival was certainly most timely.
Who are you?
Lam the prime minister
of the African country of Vorzana.
The prime minister!
Boy, that's pretty heavy billing.
Yes, lam due at the UN. to address
the general assembly within the hour.
That's why they wanted
to control your brain.
They were going to let him address
the general assembly in my stead.
You mean I could have been
booked at the UN?
That's better than the palace
or the Palladium.
Get the White House!
That's my big tick... Agh!
Talked to your doctor, Billy.
They removed the implant
without complications.
Yeah, well, let's hope they
don't lay it in anyone else.
Oh, I don't think they will.
We've developed a detecting device that
would intercept if it's ever tried again.
Hey, I heard the
prime minister's speech.
It was brilliant,
and he sends you his regards.
Thanks.
There's still one thing that bugs me
about this implant business, though.
What's that, Billy?
Are you having any
residual side effects?
No.
I missed my chance
to address the UN.
My first serious gig.
I would have done Hamlet.
I would have gotten up before...
all those big leaders from
the countries around the world...
I would have said, "Gentlemen..."
Billy?
Are you sure you're
not having any side effects?
No, no.
I feel great.
Do you know what you're doing?
Certainly.
I'm about to eat my shoe.
But it isn't the result of any implant.
But why, Billy?
I guess you could say
the devil made me do it.
(END THEME MUSIC)
DR. BARTO: The man who will soon be elected the
prime minister in the Republic of Vorsana.
NIKO: And the man we found, who,
but for the moustache...
looks almost exactly
like the prime minister...
the night club comedian,
Billy Parker.
MAN: Excellent, Dr. Barto.
Niko, you've done your work well.
Now we can guarantee our friends
that the Republic of Vorsana...
will not align itself with the capitalists.
What about the implant surgery,
Dr. Barto?
BARTO: The surgery is being performed
right now by my staff in New York City.
MAN: And Parker suspects nothing?
BARTO: Nothing.
BARTO: I told him he needed some
minor cosmetic surgery on his neck.
BARTO: It's incredible to think
that that tiny implant...
can control Parker's behavior.
MAN: Yes, it is remarkable.
MAN: We are the pioneers in this field,
you know?
NIKO: And he won't be
aware of the implant?
MAN: No, a few hours after surgery
he'll be quite normal.
MAN: You will test the implant, Dr. Barto...
to make sure Parker responds
to the commands you give him.
MAN: Then he will be ready
to do our bidding.
FLIGHT COM:
It looks good at NASA One.
B- 52 >PILOT:
Roger.
BCS Arm switch is on.
FLIGHT COM:
Okay, Victor.
B-52 PILOT: Landing Rocket Arm switch is on.
Here comes the throttle.
Circuit breakers in.
STEVE:
We have separation.
B-52 PILOT:
Inboard and outboards are on.
I'm comin' forward with the side stick.
FLIGHT COM:
Looks good.
PILOT:
Ah, Roger.
STEVE:
I've got a blowout in damper three.
SR-71 PILOT:
Get your pitch to zero.
STEVE:
Pitch is out. I can't hold altitude!
B-52 PILOT: Correction. Alpha Hold is off.
Threat selector is emergency.
STEVE: Flight Com. I can't hold it!
She's breaking up! She's breaking...
ANNOUNCER:
Steve Austin. Astronaut.
A man barely alive.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.
Steve Austin will be that man.
Better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.
(MAIN TITLE THEME)
MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Dipsy-Doo Room takes pride...
in presenting yours, mine, everybody's
favorite master of merriment...
Mrs. Parker's bouncing boy Billy!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Thank you very much.
I'd like to take a moment to thank
my mother who made it all possible.
You remember my mother,
Mrs. Parker?
You probably had her sausages,
Parker sausage?
I'd like to thank a lot of you
for staying over from the first show.
And like they say, I was told this
when I first started in show business.
Be nice to the people
that you meet going up.
Because they're the same
people you meet coming back.
And I want to say, it's a pleasure
to see you people again.
(LAUGHS)
Yes, I want to tell you this one
about the prejudiced parrot.
You like that, huh?
I told you I'd get you in.
This is my brother-in-law here.
He's the guy you gave your car to
out front, remember?
He changed the jacket. Yeah.
That's howl feel
about his sister, too.
Oh, yes, this one about
the prejudiced parrot.
Guy goes into a pet shop, see...
and he says to the
pet shop proprietor there...
that's the guy that owns the shop,
I shouldn't have to explain him.
I assume everybody here's
a high school graduate, right?
Says I'd like to sell this parrot,
but in selling the parrot to you...
I'd like to ask that you don't sell
the parrot to a black person...
because the parrot is prejudiced.
Yes, so, he says
I'd like to buy this parrot.
No, that's a different story.
Oh, see.
Yes, well, there were some other stories I
didn't get to finish the last time I was here...
and the management said it'll be
a cold day before you're back here again.
And I just checked outside, just 42.
So I figured, I figured
I'd finish those stories.
(LAUGHTER)
You know,
I don't do this for a living, folks.
I mean, you wouldn't
consider this living, would you?
A lot of you fail to realize either you laugh
at me or I'll go break into your house.
(LAUGHTER)
That's right? Yes, yes, yeah.
Let's cut out the joking,
I mean the laughing.
This ain't a joke,
it's already been cut out, huh?
Oh, back to this
prejudiced parrot, folks.
Guy goes into the shop,
he says, "I want to sell this parrot."
So the proprietor says,
"Sell the parrot to me?"
And the guy says, "Yes, but look,
when you try and sell the parrot...
"I don't want you to sell it to a black person
because the parrot is prejudiced."
I said that, right?
Okay?
So, the pet shop provider
buys the parrot...
and pretty soon
a black guy comes in.
"You got any parrots?"
Pet shop proprietor says,
"Certainly we have a parrot."
Guy says,
"You have any parrot that talk?"
Guy says, "Certainly we
have a parrot that's talk.
"First, though, let me run
the parrot's history down to you."
Fella says, "If the parrot can talk,
let him run it down hisself."
Doctor, this is Niko.
I'm at the nightclub.
Billy Parker has begun his act.
Are you in a position
to observe him?
Yes.
Hey, look!
That parrot story's for the birds...
so we'll get back to that later, okay?
Hey, what's black and white
and got three eyes?
Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr.
Then we shall see
if the implant works.
I'll feed in the instructions.
(DEVICE BEEPING)
What goes up and never comes...
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
(CLUCKING LIKE CHICKEN)
Is he flapping his arms and crowing?
NIKO: Yes.
Does he seem to know he's doing it?
Well, he knows he's doing something,
but he doesn't seem to know what.
Man, I'm starting to get laughs
with the straight lines.
Hey, like I was saying, what goes up
and never comes down?
Think about it! Huh?
We're getting close!
Come on!
MAN: A rooster.
No, not a rooster, turkey.
His response indicates that
the implant is functioning.
Is he still performing?
NIKO: Yes.
I'd like to try another test.
(DEVICE BEEPING)
Not a rooster...
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
You instructed him to eat his shoe?
With salt.
He's doing it.
The preliminary tests indicate
a high degree of precise response.
What happens now?
The experiments are over.
Parker is now ready to perform the
mission we prepared him for.
Stay with him and don't
let him out of your sight.
Night, folks.
Hey, Billy, I hear you killed
the people in there tonight.
Wiped 'em out!
Any more bodies in there?
A few chicks at the bar.
Where you heading?
Goin' to a pool hall, but I'll be back
in time for the last show.
Look out!
(HORN HONKS)
How is he?
Unconscious.
He walked right in front of the cab.
I wasn't speedin' or nuthin':
NIKO:
Is he breathing?
DOORMAN:
Yeah, but he don't look too good.
He walked right in front of my cab.
Better get him to a hospital.
I have a car. I'll take him.
DOORMAN: Hold it.
He shouldn't be moved.
Call an ambulance.
Right!
Wait a second,
I can get him there faster.
Leave him alone.
Dr. Barto, what could I do?
He wasn't looking
where he was walking.
By the time I saw the taxi come...
You should have
taken him in your car.
That's what I tried to do,
but they wouldn't let me.
I just couldn't grab him on the street,
there were people all around!
All I could do was follow the
ambulance to the hospital.
How badly was he hurt?
He's in emergency,
that's all they would tell me.
What was his condition when
they put him in the ambulance?
Well, he was unconscious.
He didn't look like
he had any broken bones...
but he was bleeding
slightly from the head.
His head?
I know it sounds bad...
Dr. Barto, but don't get excited.
I used to work in a hospital,
I've seen plenty of head injuries...
and I can tell you right now
it wasn't serious.
What probably happened was he hit
his head on the street when he fell.
It's what they used to call a superficial
contusion of the scalp, I'll bet.
All they'll do is probably take
some X-rays of the head and...
Look, get back to the hospital.
Get an accurate report.
If they take head X-rays,
we're finished!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Just a couple more things, Steve.
Well, don't you realize
it's almost midnight? I'm tired.
I'm sorry about the hour, Steve.
We have to update physical
fluctuations in your time cycles.
Okay, let's try the punching bag.
Ready?
Go.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Hold it!
Eh, for a tired man
that was pretty good.
Compares favorably
with your daytime capabilities.
Now let's try skipping rope.
(PHONE RINGING)
All right, go on, warm up,
I'll be right back.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
RUDY: Hold it, Steve!
That was Oscar.
What, this late?
He's on his way over.
He wants to see
both of us right now.
OSCAR: Now you see this
dark area below the right ear?
All right, here is a blow-up
of that area.
What does it look like to you,
Steve?
Well, it's too regular for a growth.
Looks like some kind of implant.
We've known for some time that the
Russians have been working on...
transmitting brain impulses
electronically.
And you think this is
that kind of a device?
What does it look like
to you, Rudy?
Location certainly suggests it could
be used for cerebral control, yes.
That's what the neurosurgeon
in New York thinks.
That's why he sent us these X-rays.
Who's the patient?
His name is Billy Parker,
he's a nightclub comedian.
Why would the Russians want to control
the brain of a nightclub comedian?
That's what I want you to find out, pal.
We're leaving for New York
in 25 minutes.
Parker's being released
from the hospital this morning.
I've arranged for you to be his bodyguard,
you'll be with him day and night.
I still can't figure out why
they picked out a comic to control.
Well, his is the only implant
that we've discovered.
But that doesn't mean there aren't
others that we don't know about.
Yeah, there could be thousands
walking around like that, under control.
You gotta stay close to him, Steve.
We've got to find out
who's behind all this.
And Billy Parker
is the only lead we've got!
(SIREN WAILING)
PA: Dr. Rich, tie line, Dr. Rich.
Physical therapist, report to Group 120.
Nurse McClain, report to maternity.
Nurse McClain.
Nurse, I understand one of
our patients from Emergency...
a William Parker has
been transferred here.
Parker... Parker, oh, yes,
he's in 411.
May I see the chart, please?
Yes.
William Parker.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Now is there anything else?
I don't want any slip ups.
See if there's been any
inquiries about Parker.
I better make sure any mention
of X-rays is deleted from his chart.
The chart's already been altered, Steve.
Pal, good luck.
Thanks.
Nurse?
Yes, Doctor?
Parker was bleeding from a scalp laceration
when he was admitted last night.
Were any X-rays taken?
The chart should show that.
I can't find any reference to it.
Dr. Highland might know.
Dr. Highland?
Parker in 411 is your patient,
isn't he?
Yes.
Was he X-rayed
on admission last night?
What is it, Nurse?
Has there been some problem?
The intern from Emergency...
I'm sorry, he was here.
Come with me, we're gonna
need a description of that intern.
I've examined Parker's medical chart.
There is no mention of X-rays.
I guess the head injury was superficial.
Excellent.
The next step is to
check out the implant.
Is he still in Emergency?
He's been moved to a private room.
Try and find a way to observe him.
I'll beam a directive
at precisely 2:00 p. m.
All right.
What should I look for?
I'll command him to march around the room,
go to the window, and salute.
You got 15 seconds...
Come on, man!
You can guess that one!
Think, baby, think!
Hurry, your time is running out.
Hey, look at this guy.
All he has to say is "things you find in a
kitchen" and he can win ten big ones.
I'd sure like to be where that dude is.
Who are you?
Steve.
You a doctor?
Nope.
The club sent me to look after you.
What's up?
All of a sudden I need a nursemaid?
I can take care of myself.
Well, you didn't do such
a good job last night.
That was a jive accident.
Was it?
Certainly, why should anybody want
to hurt a harmless, gentle comic?
That's the problem,
Billy, you're too funny.
You see, the owners of the Starbright Room
wanted to buy your contract...
our boss turned them down.
Hey, I made it!
Got my own bodyguard,
got two clubs fighting over me.
All of a sudden,
I'm like Fort Knox.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
What you do that for?
Do what?
What you just did.
I don't know, lately I've been
having a lot of strange feelings.
(BIONIC EYE SOUND EFFECT)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in!
Rudy, come in.
Any word from Steve?
Yes, he called from the hospital.
Parker responded to, evidently
a innocuous, meaningless command.
It was probably a test.
He said that he saw some man
observing from a nearby building.
Sounds like the same man
that posed as an intern.
Did Steve get any more information
on Parker's operation?
It was performed a month ago by
a doctor who frequented the nightclub.
He evidently convinced Parker that he had a
growth on his neck that had to be removed.
And no such doctor exists, right?
Of course not.
I've got a description here from
some of the people in the night club.
Whitish hair, 6'2", heavy-set,
200 pounds, light complexion.
Steve, old buddy,
you're something else.
Hey, I've got $500 here
that says I'll beat you.
No bet.
We're still trying
to collect on your last bet, Billy.
Hey, but that's all I got.
Look, tell Hermie...
Hermie tells...
and what Hermie told us
was it was five G's or else!
Well, I ain't got it!
Then we'll try the "or else".
Now come on, guys, lay off.
Out of the way, punk!
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
STEVE: You don't want
this to happen to you?
Come on!
Hey, how did you do that?
You pulverized that ball.
It was a fake ball. I always
carry 'em to scare off the punks.
Here, try one.
I gotta make a phone call.
Hey, maybe I could
use that in my act.
Ladies and gentlemen,
gather around.
I call your attention to this solid ivory
billiard ball that I hold in my hand.
In an amazing display of
strength and dexterity...
I shall crush this solid sphere into
powdery dust before your very eyes.
Drum roll!
(IMITATES DRUM ROLL)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, at least I got
more laughs than he did.
I've been making the rounds
visiting his hangouts.
OSCAR:
Now, Steve, listen to me.
I want you to be very careful.
Whoever these people are
and whatever they want...
they'll eventually
have to get rid of you.
Well, that's a pleasant thought.
I'm just trying to impress upon you
that you have to be on your guard.
I'm impressed.
Against everybody.
That funny man who wants to
have you around all the time?
He can be programmed to kill you!
Don't turn your back on him!
Thanks, pal.
Stevie, ask her if she
got a friend for me!
If any of these guys get reckless,
you crunch this, then I'll take over.
Because I'm not afraid
of any of these bums.
I'll knock 'em all out.
I don't really need you, you know?
I can handle myself.
I can really handle myself.
(DOOR CLOSES)
What was that?
Billy, oh, it's good to see you.
How you doin', love?
I tried to call you
at the hospital.
Are you okay?
Yeah, they hit my head,
they played to my strength.
Say, I want you to lay five
on my new buddy, Stevie here.
Stevie, this is my girl.
Hi, Stevie.
My pleasure.
The Starbright Room's been putting
a little pressure to get me over there...
so the boss hired Stevie
to guard this magnificent body.
I don't know, he's so cute,
I don't think he'll frighten anybody away.
Hey, well, Stevie, show her
what kind of protection I got.
I'll send her references.
C'mon. Do it one more time.
Even though you're not Count Basie.
Okay, pal.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
That's my friend. It's a phony ball,
but it shakes up the party.
BILLY:
Right, Stevie?
You bet.
TECHNICIAN #1:
Anything yet?
TECHNICIAN #2: Nope, I've tried
every channel over and over again.
I think we'd better check in
with Mr. Goldman.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oscar Goldman here.
Mr. Goldman, this is Birdwatch.
Yes.
There's been no transmission
since the one in the hospital.
Are you positive?
Yes, sir.
All right, keep me informed.
Yes, sir.
The monitoring unit says there's been
no transmission to Parker's brain...
since the hospital.
Here, you need this.
Problem is that the transmission is too brief
for us to get a triangulation on it.
I don't like this, Rudy.
If Parker hadn't been injured,
we wouldn't have even known about it!
Yeah, I know that.
I've got a team working on
a detector for brain implants...
just so we don't get caught
flat-footed again.
Meanwhile, Steve is acting as
a bodyguard to a walking time bomb...
would be assassin, or God knows what.
Have you run Parker's picture
through the computer?
Here and Interpol computer,
everywhere.
And he bears no resemblance to any
governmental, political or military leader...
in office today.
That leaves assassin.
I hope you're wrong.
I hope I am, too.
Have you seen the morning paper?
BARTO:
No, I haven't.
Newly elected prime minister of Vorzana
to address United Nations tomorrow.
Leader of this emerging African nation...
expected to confirm his country's
break with the Soviet bloc.
The United Nations
may be in for a surprise.
Is there a picture?
No.
Good.
I'll call his embassy again
and reconfirm his visit to the gallery.
Uh, speaking of the
Soviet Bloc, Dr. Barto...
I think you better tell them
that I've got to have more money.
Hang on a minute.
Thank you for coming in.
Do come again.
You can not be serious, Niko!
That isn't very smart!
I was hired to keep an eye on Parker,
but now Parker's got a shadow.
What are you talking about?
That guy who was in Parker’s
hospital room, he's still with him.
You mean you think
he's hired a bodyguard?
That's what it looks like.
But why?
Beats me.
The thing is, Dr. Barto,
when I made my deal...
nobody said anything about
taking out a bodyguard.
Look, Niko.
I don't like blackmail, and our
employers won't like it either.
Dr. Barto.
This isn't blackmail.
This is hazard pay I'm talking about.
It's like you hire me
to play the violin and I say okay...
and then you tell me later that
I've got to play the violin underwater.
It's much tougher, don't you see?
Ten percent more.
Twenty.
Very well.
But I want that bodyguard out
of the way, do you understand?
You mean rub him out?
Precisely.
(DIAL TONE)
Parker should be into his act by now.
When he's finished he'll be programmed
to leave the club through the alley door.
His bodyguard, of course,
will come out with him.
You take it from there.
I'm going in to watch the show.
Hear about the blind man
and the man with no legs?
The men on the street?
Man with no legs says to the blind man,
"So how's it going with you?"
Blind man said,
"I've seen better days.
"How's it going with you?"
Man with no legs said,
"I can't kick."
Why is it the ugly people
always sit down front?
You know, it's hard to be funny
with a bunch of ugly people staring at you.
I could point some out,
there are a few here.
Most of the people
here are pretty nice.
I could point out the
ugly people, but I'm not.
Because the ugly people
know who they are.
There's an old show business saying...
"Be nice to the people
you meet on the way up...
"because those are the same
people you meet on the way back."
But it was the famous quotation
of Colonel Parker, who said...
"You don't have to be nice
to the people on the way up...
"if you don't intend to come back."
I decided in place of the parrot routine...
I would do another pet shop story.
Okay? I didn't want you to get left out.
Okay, it's a pet shop.
Guy goes into a pet shop.
He says to the proprietor,
"Do you have any singers?
"Do you have any birds that sing?"
Proprietor says, "Yes, I do."
Fella said, "Well, I'll take one."
So the proprietor showed him a bird,
said, "Will this bird do?"
The guy said, "Can this bird sing?"
Proprietor said, "Can he sing?
He has an arrangement to all of his tunes."
Fella said, "Well, I'll take him!
How much is he?"
Guy said, "$30."
So the fella takes the bird home.
Lil' ol' parakeet.
He takes him home
and he sits him there.
He's got the bird home about 15 minutes
and he comes rushing into the pet shop.
He says, "I want my money back!"
The proprietor said, "What's wrong?"
Fella said,
"When I got this bird home...
"I found out one of his legs
was shorter than the other."
The fella said, "Well, I'm not
giving your money back.
"When you came in here,
you asked for a singer.
"If you wanted a dancer,
you should have said so."
Well, I gotta go, folks.
I'm startin' to melt.
Is he still performing?
Yes.
I'll feed in the instructions.
Well, I like to close by saying the words of
my father, who was a performer before me.
My father told me, you run into the
same people on the way back...
that you run into on the way up.
And I conclude by saying...
the next time I run into you,
I hope I'm driving a truck.
That was a great group.
How'd you like the act?
You done okay.
Okay?
I was sensational.
I really had them!
Didn't you hear those laughs?
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
What's the matter, pal?
Let's get out of here.
Where are you going?
O-Out!
Why?
I... I don't... I just got to.
Wait a minute, do you know
where you're going?
Out, man!
Out!
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
Rudy, you know what we ought to do?
We oughta just pick up
Parker right now.
No, that wouldn't work.
Whoever controls Parker would find
that out and vanish into the woodwork.
It might be worth it,
at least we'd stop him.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, Steve.
Oscar, we've got a problem.
I can't handle any more
problems, not tonight, pal.
Parker’s disappeared.
What?
You heard me, he's vanished.
I'm sure it's the implant in his brain
that set him running.
Do you realize he could be on
a plane to anywhere right now?
I know. I gotta go,
Oscar, if I'm gonna find him.
Parker got away from Steve?
This is Oscar Goldman speaking.
I want men at every airport
in New York.
On the docks,
in the bus and train stations.
If you see Billy Parker grab him!
MAN: Yes, sir.
We'll talk to you later, Mr. Goldman.
I'll be here all night.
Keep me informed.
MAN: Yes, sir.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Billy.
You know better than to call
in the middle of the night.
(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)
Honey, in this business,
8:30 AM. is the middle of the night.
Sure, honey.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
Of course.
Anywhere you say.
Are you okay?
I'll be right there.
Hey! You Susan Simmons?
Yes.
Hop in.
Why?
Why, shmy.
Didn't a guy call you and tell you
he'd pick you up in a cab on this corner?
Well, where is he?
He asked me to drop him off
at the store and pick him up later.
What kind of store?
Store shmore.
All I know is he runs up
162 bucks on my meter.
He good for it?
Good, shmood, how do I know?
This is where I dropped him.
Sorry, Sister, this cab is taken.
Just shut up and drive.
Billy, honey, what's happening?
Two goons tried to
grab me last night.
I didn't know where to go, so I been
riding around in this cab all night.
I told you that bodyguard wasn't
going to be enough protection.
Whaddya mean?
I'm alive, ain't I?
Which is not what you're gonna be
if you ain't got my $164.50.
Will you listen to this guy!
People are trying to kill me
and he's worried about money!
Kill, shmill!
All I want is my fare.
Would you shut up and drive.
What are you going to do now?
I got to find my bodyguard.
Maybe those two men killed him.
Nah, it'd take more than
two guys to do the job.
Let's go to the club.
If he's smart, he'll go
lookin' for you there.
Why don't you go to the club,
in case someone else is waiting for me.
I've tried his apartment
and all his known hangouts.
Well, he's worried and he's hiding.
The trouble is, it makes
it hard for me to find him, too.
Look, all I can do is wait here, and...
I'll call you back, Oscar.
Hello, Susan.
He's been looking for you.
Now that he's found me,
where can I find him?
He'll drive by the front
of the club every six minutes.
He's due about now.
Ah, Steve...
Oh, by the way,
he's dressed like a nun.
Thanks, Susan.
Okay.
I followed him all night.
He's been driving around in a cab.
Doctor, did you program him
to change into a nun's habit?
No.
He's obviously frightened
and trying to hide.
But you stay with him.
I'm going to bring him into the gallery.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
His cab is stopping in front of the club.
Take me to the Eastside Gallery.
Make up your mind!
You told me to stop here.
Never mind what I told you.
Just do what I say!
The bodyguard just showed up!
Don't worry.
I'll take care of him.
What happened to you
last night when I needed you?
Look, buddy, I wanted to go
come back and help you.
I tried!
I really tried.
I've been getting
these strange urges.
We're going to
the Eastside Gallery.
What, another crazy urge?
No, this time I got a reason.
Yeah? Like what?
I had a reason.
It'll come to me
when we get there.
Eastside Gallery, please.
(HORN HONKS)
Comes to exactly $174.20.
Pay the man, Stevie.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Hold it, Stevie.
I just remembered something.
Remembered what?
Why we're here?
Something like that.
Your Excellency?
Your Excellency?
Wait here, gentlemen,
we won't be long.
After you, sir.
Welcome to our exhibit,
your Excellency.
Thank you.
Our most interesting artifacts
are in the rear of the gallery.
Take him.
Karno!
I'm sorry, sir, I truly am.
But the offer was
too much to refuse...
and they promised
you wouldn't be harmed.
Where are you going?
I've got to get in here.
Why?
My life depends on it.
First thing we gotta do
is get you a change of clothes.
Where are you going?
Mr. Parker.
What do you want?
Shall we go?
Unhand the rags, Jack.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Say, old buddy...
let's go look at some African art.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
I just love African Art.
That's nothing.
The really great works
are kept in the back room.
Well, take me to it.
Enough is enough!
You gonna be a...
Hey, who's this guy?
Except for the mustache...
Now I get it.
You guys work for the
Starbright Room.
And since you couldn't
buy my contract...
now you're gonna try to pass this cat
off on the public as Billy Parker.
Yeah, well, just wait until
he tries to get some laughs.
Then you'll see.
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
C'mon, let's go with the makeup.
The ends are too long
and make it a little higher.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(METAL CREAKING)
Perfect.
Behold, your Excellency.
It is like looking into a mirror,
is it not?
As I'm sure you're curious,
I shall explain.
Your speech to the United Nations this
afternoon will be delivered as scheduled.
However, it will be made
by this man, not by you.
You were going
to condemn the Soviet bloc...
and pledge the allegiance
of your country to the West.
This gentleman,
on the other hand...
his speech will be
somewhat different.
Listen.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I bring you greetings...
from the people
of the Republic of Vorzana.
Contrary to the reports
in the capitalistic press...
my country has no intention
of changing its political ties.
We will honor our past commitments,
be loyal to our friends...
and not be seduced by siren songs
of Western democracies.
(BIONIC SOUND EFFECT)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
PARKER: because the Soviet bloc
has provided the Republic of Vorzana...
with supplies and technicians
in the fields of public health...
communications and transportation...
Secondly, because those
technicians and supplies...
have come to us
without any demands whatsoever.
And thirdly, and perhaps
more importantly...
(WEAK ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Stevie, where have you been?
Out looking for you.
Who is this?
I don't know.
Thank you, sir.
I don't know you, or your motive,
but your arrival was certainly most timely.
Who are you?
Lam the prime minister
of the African country of Vorzana.
The prime minister!
Boy, that's pretty heavy billing.
Yes, lam due at the UN. to address
the general assembly within the hour.
That's why they wanted
to control your brain.
They were going to let him address
the general assembly in my stead.
You mean I could have been
booked at the UN?
That's better than the palace
or the Palladium.
Get the White House!
That's my big tick... Agh!
Talked to your doctor, Billy.
They removed the implant
without complications.
Yeah, well, let's hope they
don't lay it in anyone else.
Oh, I don't think they will.
We've developed a detecting device that
would intercept if it's ever tried again.
Hey, I heard the
prime minister's speech.
It was brilliant,
and he sends you his regards.
Thanks.
There's still one thing that bugs me
about this implant business, though.
What's that, Billy?
Are you having any
residual side effects?
No.
I missed my chance
to address the UN.
My first serious gig.
I would have done Hamlet.
I would have gotten up before...
all those big leaders from
the countries around the world...
I would have said, "Gentlemen..."
Billy?
Are you sure you're
not having any side effects?
No, no.
I feel great.
Do you know what you're doing?
Certainly.
I'm about to eat my shoe.
But it isn't the result of any implant.
But why, Billy?
I guess you could say
the devil made me do it.
(END THEME MUSIC)