The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Treehouse of Horror IV - full transcript

Homer sells his soul to the Devil for a donut, Bart contends with a gremlin on the side of the school bus which only he can see, and the family discovers that Mr. Burns is a vampire.

[ Ghostly Shriek ]

[ Evil Laughter ]

[ Gunfire ]

[ All Moaning ]

Paintings:

Lifeless images
rendered in colorful goop.

But at night, they take on
a life of their own.

They become
portals to hell...

so scary and horrible
and gruesome that--

Bart, you should warn people
this episode is very frightening.

Maybe they'd rather listen to that
War of the Worlds broadcast on N.P.R., hmm?



- Yes, Mother.
- Good.

Now, you hold Maggie. I'm going
to buy some earrings at the gift shop.

[ Sighs ] The subject of our first
painting tonight is the most...

foul, evil, vicious,
diabolical beast to stalk the earth.

Of course, I refer to--

[ Muffled ]

The devil.

And next in our fall catalog--
we love this--

it is a vision
in raspberry cream.

[ Applause ]

Ohh! Pure genius.

[ Gurgling ]

Oh! And now to make
the leap from dreams to reality.

Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming,
we ate all the doughnuts.



Well, there were a few left,
but we chucked 'em at an old man for kicks.

Damn buzzards!
I ain't dead yet!

All right. Stay calm.
Remember your training.

''Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency doughnut.
Signed, Homer.''

Bastard! He's always
one step ahead.

Oh! I'd sell my soul
for a doughnut!

- [ Rumbling ]
- Well, that can be arranged.

Flanders!
You're the devil?

It's always the one
you least suspect.

Now, many people offer
to sell their souls...

without reflecting upon the grave ramifica--

- Do you have a doughnut or not?
- Coming up.

Just sign here.
Careful, hot pen.

Hmm. Who's that goat-legged fellow?
I like the cut of his jib.

Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir.
He's your 1 1 :00.

[ Gasps ]
Ah!

Now, remember, the instant you finish it,
I own your soul for--

Hey, wait, if I don't
finish this last bite...

you don't get
my soul, do you?

- Uh, technically no, but---
- I'm smarter than the devil!
I'm smarter than the dev--

You are not
smarter than me!

I'll see you in hell yet,
Homer Simpson!

Not likely.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Muttering ]

Hm. Hm. Hm.

Mmm!

Mmm! Forbidden doughnut.

- Hmm?
- Well, well. Finishing something?

[ Screams ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Gasps ]

- Homer, did you eat that doughnut?
- No.

Your wide behind
won't save you this time. Hey, Bart.

- Hey.
- Wait!

Doesn't my father have
the right to a fair trial?

Oh, you Americans with your ''due process''
and ''fair trials.''

This is always so much easier in Mexico.
All right. Very well.

We'll have the trial tomorrow
at the stroke of midnight.

Till then, you're going to spend
the day in hell!

[ Screaming ]

[ Sighs ]
That wasn't so bad.

Huh? Ow! Ow! Ow!

So, you like doughnuts, eh?

- Uh-huh.
- Well...

have all the doughnuts
in the world!

[ Cackling ]

More. Mmm!

I don't understand it.
James Coco went mad in 1 5 minutes.

[ Chiming ]

- Homer, are you all right?
- No.

Mr. Simpson, don't you worry.
I watched Matlock in a bar last night.

The sound wasn't on,
but I think I got the gist of it.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

The Court of Infernal Affairs
is now in session.

Very well. But first,
some ground rules.

Number one: We get bathroom breaks
every half hour.

Agreed. Number two:
The jury will be chosen by me.

Agreed.
No, wait!

Silence! I give you
the jury of the damned!

Benedict Arnold.
Lizzie Borden. Richard Nixon.

But I'm not dead yet. In fact,
I just wrote an article for Redbook.

- Hey, listen, I did a favor for you.
- Yes, master.

John Wilkes Booth.
Blackbeard the Pirate.John Dillinger.

And the starting line of
the 1 97 6 Philadelphia Flyers.

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Chattering ]

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard.
We're low on chairs, and this is the last one.

Arr! This chair
be high, says I.

[ Clears Throat ] I hold here a contract
between myself and one Homer Simpson...

pledging me his soul
for a doughnut!

Which I delivered!
And it was scrum-didilly-umptious.

I simply ask
for what is mine.

- [ Murmuring ]
- That was a right pretty speech, sir.

But I ask you,
what is a contract?

Webster's defines it as ''an agreement
under the law which is unbreakable.''

''Which is unbreakable''!

Excuse me.
I must use the restroom.

[ Door Slams ]

Uh, Mr. Hutz?

Homer Simpson,
I have no choice...

but to sentence you
to an eternity of--

Wait! Before you send him to hell,
there's something you should see.

That's a photo of
Homer and me at our wedding.

Wait a minute. You got married
in an emergency room?

Well, Homer ate the entire
wedding cake by himself...

before the wedding.

Read the back!
The back!

Arr. 'Tis some kind
of treasure map.

- You idiot, you can't read.
- Aye, 'tis true.

My debauchery was
my way of compensatin'.

''Dear Marge,
You have given me your hand in marriage.

''All I can give you
in return is my soul...

which I pledge to you forever.''

[ Murmuring ]

We've heard enough.
Your Honor...

we find that Homer Simpson's soul
is legally the property...

of Marge Simpson
and not of the devil.

[ Groans ]

- Yea!
- Whoo-hoo-- Ow!

All right, Simpson.
You get your soul back.

But let that ill-gotten doughnut
be forever on your head.

[ Homer Screams ]

[ Homer Chewing ]

- Homer, stop picking at it.
- Oh!

But I'm so sweet and tasty.

[ Sighs ]
Well, time to go to work.

Dad, I wouldn't
go outside if I were you.

Don't worry, boys. He's gotta
come out of there sometime.

The next exhibit
in our ghoulish gallery is entitled--

the ''School Bus''?

Oh! Oh! They must
mean the ''Ghoul Bus.''

Nope. It says right there,
''School Bus.''

Well, there's nothing scarier
than having to go to school.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Bart, look!
Krusty trading cards!

The long-awaited
Eighth Series!

[ Bart ]
''Krusty visits relatives in Annapolis, Maryland. ''

''Krusty poses for trading card photo. ''

Hmm. He seems to be running
a little low on ideas.

- Well, at least you got the gum.
- Oww! I cut my cheek!

Whoa! Whoa!

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Horn Blaring ]

Oh--
I hope this is sweat.

Bart, what's wrong?

I just had a vision of
my own horrible, fiery death.

- And?
- Lisa, your brother's obviously had a nightmare.

- Don't worry, honey. The scary part's over.
- [ Horn Blaring ]

Marge, look at all this great stuff
I found at the marina!

- It was just sitting in some guy's boat.
- [ Horn Blaring ]

Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus
because Mother hid my car keys...

to punish me for talking
to a woman on the phone.

- She was right to do it.
- Excuse me. Bart's a little upset this morning...

so could everyone please
be extra-nice to him?

[ All Laughing ]

Hey, where's
your diaper, baby?

Thank goodness he's drawn
attention away from my shirt.

[ Groaning ]

[ Snarling ]

[ Gasps ] Milhouse!
Milhouse, wake up.

- Quick, look out the window.
- No way, Bart.

If I lean over, I leave myself open
to wedgies, wet willies...

or even the dreaded
rear admiral.

Otto, you gotta do something!
There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!

Hey, no problemo, Bart-dude.
I'll get rid of it.

No! Oh, no.
I just made my last payment.

Oh.

[ Screams ]
Everybody!

There's a monster
on the side of the bus!

[ Yelling ]

Hey, there's no monster.

- You're deceptive.
- I don't see anything.

Hey, who's
driving the bus?

Ooh!
Una momento, por favor.

Foolish Earthlings.

Frightened of a creature
that does not exist.

[ Laughing Loudly ]

[ Grunting ]

- [ Gasps ]
- [ Groans ]

Now, I've gotten word
that a child is using his imagination...

and I've come
to put a stop to it.

- No! No, it's true! There's a monster on the bus.
- The only monster on this bus...

is a lack of
proper respect for the rules.

Oh!

[ Groaning ]

[ Screaming ]

Ach. Me mule wouldn't
walk in the mud.

So I had to put
1 7 bullets in him.

[ Groaning ]

You believe me, don't you?
You're my friend who believes me.

Sweet, trustworthy
Milhouse.

Actually, Bart,
you're kinda creepin' me out.

Uh, I think
I'm gonna go sit, uh...

w-with that
foreign exchange student.

Oh, guten Tag.! Would you care
for a bite of my Vengelerstrasse bar?

I also have a bag
of marzipan JoyJoys!

The gremlin's takin'
off the wheel!

Stop the bus or we're
all gonna die! Aaah!

Take me bridle and lash
his hands to the seat!

Would you like another
lick of my flavor wax?

Uh, sure.

Well, now that
we're friends, Uter...

how 'bout loosening
these straps, huh?

Ja, das ist gut.

[ Groans ]

[ Screaming ]

[ All Screaming ]

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Gasps ]

- [ Growling ]
- [ Grunting ]

- Hey, boy!
- [ Horn Blaring ]

Pull, Willie! Pull!

I'm doin' all the pullin',
ya blouse-wearin' poodle walker!

Oh, dear Lord!
It's some sort of hideous monster.

Aw, isn't that cute?
He's trying to claw my eyes out.

Whoa!

Gadzooks!

Look at the bus! I was right,
I tell ya! I was right!

Right or wrong, your behavior
was still disruptive, young man.

Perhaps spending the remainder
of your life in a madhouse...

- will teach you some manners.
- Ha-ha!

[ Sighs ]
At least now I can get some rest.

Hidilly-ho, Bart!

We come now to the final
and most terrifying painting of the evening.

To even gaze upon it
is to go mad.

[ Shrieks ]
They're dogs, and they're playing poker!

Aaah!
[ Crazed Laughter]

We had a story to go with this painting,
but it was far too intense.

So we just threw something together
with vampires. Enjoy!

[ Kent Brockman On TV]
Another local peasant has been found dead...

drained of his blood,
with two teeth marks on his throat.

This black cape was found on the scene.
Police are baffled.

We think we're dealing
with a supernatural being...

most likely a mummy.

As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing
of the Springfield Museum destroyed.

Nice work, Ed.

No, no, they're wrong!
The creature they seek is the walking undead.

Nosferatu.
Das Vampyr.

A vampire!

[ Chuckles ] Lisa,
vampires are make-believe.

Just like elves,
gremlins and Eskimos.

In a completely unrelated story,
Montgomery Burns has just closed a deal...

to buy the Springfield Blood Bank.

Oh, I'm very excited
about this deal.

What? Oh.
Precious blood.

Hmm.
Business deal.

It sure was nice of
Mr. Burns to invite us...

for a midnight dinner
at his country house in...

Pennsylvania.

Ah, there's something fishy
about this whole setup.

Lisa, stop being
so suspicious.

Did everyone wash their necks
like Mr. Burns asked?

- Yes.
- Sure did.

- [ Doorbell Chimes ]
- [ Mr. Burns Over Speaker] Welcome. Come in.

Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing
army of the undead.

- [ Smithers ] Sir, you have to let go of the button.
- Oh, son of a bit--

Well, if it isn't
my good friends, the, uh--

- Simpson family, master.
- Simpson, eh? Excellent.

Dad, do you notice
anything strange?

Yeah, his hairdo
looks so queer.

- I heard that!
- It was the boy!

[ Gasps ]
Ooh! Punch!

Eww. Dad,
this is blood.

Correction--
free blood.

Whoops. Bart and I
have to go wash up.

But you didn't get any
on me-- Ugh-- Wh--

Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire.

And even if he was, we're not
gonna stumble on his secret hiding place.

You're probably right.
Let's just go back. [ Gasps ]

- Satisfied?
- Big deal.

It's no different from the basement
in Grampa's rest home.

Look!
[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!

- [ Muttering ]
- Please, Bart. I've seen your stupid Shemp.

Nyung, nyung,
nyung, nyung!

Yeah, I've seen
your Curly too.

- [ Growls ]
- [ Screams ]

I know I really shouldn't,
but when am I gonna be here again?

Whee!

- [ Growling ]
- [ Screaming ]

Well, if it isn't little--

uh, boy.

Mom, Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire,
and he has Bart!

[ Mr. Burns ]
Why, Bart is right here.

Hello, Mother.
Hello, Father.

I missed you during
my uneventful absence.

Oh, Lisa,
you and your stories.

''Bart is a vampire.''
''Beer kills brain cells.''

Now, let's go
back to that...

building thingy...

where our beds
and TV... is.

[ Screaming ]

Come join us, Lisa.
It's so cool.

You get to stay up
all night drinking blood.

And if you say
you're a vampire...

you get a free small soda
at the movies.

No! No!

Lisa, it's not like
you have a choice here.

Bart! How many times have I told you
not to bite your sist--

[ Gasps ] Wait a minute!
You are a vampire!

Quick! We have to kill the boy!

How'd you know
he's a vampire?

He's a vampire?
Aaah!

[ Cackling ]

Homer, we gotta do something.
Today, he's drinking people's blood.

Tomorrow, he could be smoking.

The only way to get Bart back
is to kill the head vampire...

Mr. Burns.

Kill my boss? Do I dare
live out the American dream?

This is dangerous.

I wish we could have
found a sitter for Maggie.

[ Gasps ]
Super fun happy slide!

- No, Dad.
- Oh! I guess killing will be fun enough.

You must drive this stake
right through his heart.

Take that, vile fiend!

Uh, Dad,
that's his crotch.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, sorry.

[ Screaming ] No!
[ Groaning ]

- You're fired!
- D'oh!

It's so nice having
everything back to normal.

I'm a vampire, and I've come
to suck your blood.

Blah! Oh--

This cape is giving me a rash.

- Grampa's a vampire?
- We're all vampires.

But, no,
we killed Mr. Burns.

You have to kill
the head vampire.

You're the head vampire?

No, I'm the head vampire.!

[ Laughs ]

- Mom?
- I do have a life outside this house, you know.

- Mom?
- I do have a life outside this house, you know.

- [ Screams ]
- [ Hissing ]

Happy Halloween, everybody!

" [ Vocalizing: ''Hark!
The Herald Angels Sing'' ]

[ Woman Screaming ]

"[ Macabre Organ ]