The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - Lady Bouvier's Lover - full transcript

Grampa falls in love with Marge's mother, but must compete with Mr. Burns for her heart.

[ Chorus ]
" The Simpsons "

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

D'oh!
[ Screams ]

[ Glass Shattering ]

- [ Maniacal Laughter]
- [ Applause ]

Please, Krusty,
this is very demeaning.

Shut up and conduct!

[ Chittering ]

" [ ''Blue Danube Waltz'' ]

" [ Continues ]



[ Chitters ]

- [ Screaming ]
- [ All Monkeys Chittering ]

- [ Gnawing ]
- [ Groaning ]

- [ Laughter]
- [ Laughing ]

Maggie, can you point
to the monkey?

[ Blows Raspberry ]
What do babies know?

Maggie, can you point
to the credenza?

- D'oh!
- [ Marge ] Homer,you didn't do...

a very goodjob
frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

What? It's not
''Magaggie's'' birthday?

Oh.
[ Chewing Loudly ]

Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it!
I made a special cake for you to ruin.

- It's over there.
- Ooh.

- [ Chews Loudly ]
- [ Doorbell Rings ]



Hello, everyone,
except Homer.

Happy Birthday,
Granddaughter.

Marge, I think that's your
father-in-law across the street.

Happy birthday!

Everybody get ready.
Here comes the birthday girl...

in her very first
dress.

- [ All ] Aww!
- She's a little angel.

Yeah. I wanna put a hook in her
and hang her from our Christmas tree.

- What smells?
- Uh-oh.

Shouldn't we wait for the other babies
before we open presents?

We didn't invite other babies. Maggie doesn't
seem to get along with the other babies.

[ Marge ]
Maggie, we have a surprise for you.!

- [ Whimpering ]
- [ Shutters Clicking ]

[ Whimpers ]

Ooh, put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent
on a wad of cotton.

Put the cotton in her ear.
That'll stop them shakes.

No, no. What she needs
is a balsam specific.

Balsam specific!
Oof-- While we're burning money...

why don't we give her
a curative galvanic belt too?

- [ Raspy Voice ]
Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder.
- [ Both ] Don't make fun.

I remember Lisa's
third birthday.

She and Bart did this adorable
little song and dance routine.

Oh! [ Laughs ]
That was a real horn-honker!

- Let's see it.
- [ Bart Groans ]

- Now! Do it!
- [ Both Groaning ] Oh!

Do it!

- " Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs "
- Sing it like you mean it!

- "[ Harmonica.:Faster Melody ]
- "What kinds of kids eat Armour hot dogs "

- " Fat kids "
- " Skinny kids "

" Kids who climb
on rocks "

- "Tough kids "
- " Sissy kids "

- " Even kids with chicken pox "
- [ All ] " Love hot dogs "

"Armour hot dogs "

- " [ Melody Continues ]
- "The dogs kids love to "

[ Off-key ]
" Bite "

Doesn't this family know
any songs that aren't commercials?

[ All ]
" I feel like chicken tonight "

" Like chicken tonight
Like chicken tonight "

[ Sighs ]

It's been great spending time
with my family again.

I guess the next time I see you
won't be until Thanksgiving.

Or if not then,
Christmas.

I suppose I'll
be getting home too.

At least I got Matlock
to keep me company. D'oh!

- He's on in five minutes!
- He is? Step on it!

- Oops!
- [ Old Man ] Hurry up! Each
Matlock could be our last.

Homie, you know
it's funny...

both my mother and your father
seem pretty lonely.

[ Giggles ]
That is funny.

Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go
to a matinee together...

or shopping or to that room
in the library...

that's always full of old people--
Periodicals, that's it!

Marge, please, old people
don't need companionship.

They need to be
isolated and studied...

so it can be determined
what nutrients they have...

that might be extracted
for our personal use.

Homer, would you please stop reading
that Ross Perot pamphlet?

Oh!

Say, I've got
a neat idea.

Why don't you go in and pick up
my mother, and we'll go out to dinner?

I'll be back
in a jiffy!

- That's not my mother.
- I'll be back in a jiffy!

Can I come too?
Oh.

[ Electrical Buzzing ]

You know, Mom,
you and Abe have a lot in common.

Um-- Hmm.

You both got swindled
by that telemarketing scam.

Oh, it's not a swindle.
What you do is, see...

you give them all
your credit card numbers...

and if one of them is lucky,
they'll send you a prize.

I was just happy to talk to someone
on the phone.

Aw, feelin' blue, eh?

I got somethin'
that'll cheer you up.

[ Grunts ]

" [ Humming ]

- [ Wheezy Laugh ]
- " [ Humming Continues ]

- Hmm?
- Sir, I represent the estate of Charles Chaplin.

I have a court order
demanding an immediate halt...

to this unauthorized
imitation.

- Boys!
- [ Both Grunting ]

And here's a picture of me getting
arrested for indecent exposure.

It was the most
embarrassing day of my life.

[ Grampa Whistles ]
Lift those gams.!

You were one
nifty number.

Boys all paid attention to me
and it drove my friends crazy.

- Oh, who were your friends?
- Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald...

Frances Farmer
and little Sylvia Plath.

You know, you remind me of
a poem I can't remember...

and a song that may
never have existed...

and a place I'm not sure
I've ever been to.

- You're so sweet.
- [ Thinking ] Ooh, I feel all funny.

[ Gasps ]
I'm in love!

No, wait,
it's a stroke.

- [ Sirens Blaring ]
- [ Grampa ] No, wait, it is love.!

- I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve!
- [ Car Horns Honking ]

- [Applause ]
- Hello, I'm Troy McClure.

You might remember me
from such films as...

The Boatjacking
of Supership 79...

and Hydro.: The Man
With the Hydraulic Arms.

Coming up this hour
on the Impulse Buying Network...

your chance to own
a piece of Itchy and Scratchy...

the Toontown twosome
beloved by everyone--

even cynical members
of Generation X.

[ Scoffs ]
Yeah, ''groovy.''

Troy, I'm proud to offer
your viewers...

these hand-drawn
Itchy & Scratchy animation cels.

Each one is absolutely, positively,
1 00% guaranteed...

- to increase in value.
- [ Announcer] I guarantee it.

Whoo!

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Grunts ]

- Pardon me, sir. Forgive my clumsiness.
- Not at all.

- [ Chuckling ]
- [ Chuckling ]

Uh, yes, my name
is Homer Simpson.

and I'd like to order
an Itchy & Scratchy cel.

My credit card?

Uh, do you accept the ''Federal
Breast Inspector's'' card?

''License to Ogle''?
''Vyza''?

Oh, yes, of course. That's what I meant,
''Visa.'' It's these new dentures.

[ All Chomping Food Loudly ]

Well, I think it's wonderful that your father
has fallen in love with my mother.

Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing--
damn opposed!

He's damn opposed.
Damn, damn, damn opposed.

Bart! Homer, what possible
reason could you have...

against Grampa
being in love?

If he marries your mother,
Marge, we'll be brother and sister!

And then our kids,
they'll be horrible freaks...

with pink skin, no overbites
and five fingers on each hand!

[ Screams ]

- [ Line Ringing ]
- Hello, Mom?

Fine. You know Abe had a very nice time
with you last Sunday.

- Tell her I love her!
- Grampa, shh! I know my mother.

If you come on too strong,
she's going to get scared away.

- I love ya.
- What?

Uh, I love ya, Mom.

- I love ya. I love ya.
- I love ya. I love ya.

I love ya, Mom.
Gotta go.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery
for Homer Simpson.

That's me!
[ Groans ]

- Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.
- [ Doorbell Rings ]

I've got a special
delivery for Homer Simpson.

Uh, that's me.
[ Groans ]

Stop stealing golf balls
from the driving range.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Moans ]

[ Man ]
Homer Simpson, I've got a, uh...

special delivery
for you.

- Go away.
- If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson...

I cannot give you your...
special delivery.

[ Sighs ]

Here's your
special delivery.

- Thanks. [ Groans ]
- That's for keepin' me waiting.

Hey, Lise, guess
who's got a genuine...

Itchy & Scratchy
animation cel?

Oh! That is so cool!
That is so exciting! That is so--

Crappy.

It looks like part
of Scratchy's arm.

Oh, no. I used Dad's
credit card to buy this?

- Yeesh! How much was it?
- $350.

- Ooh.
- Ha-ha!

- [ Weakly ] Ha, ha, ha.
- Oh, my God.

This boy is having
an out-of-body experience.

This is very...
bad for business.

Hot diggity!

I'm gonna smooch her
like a mule eating an apple!

[ Licking, Kissing Noises ]

I even bought me
some special novelty dentures.

- See?
- Dad, that will never work.

If you wanna make your move,
you gotta play it cool.

[Jazzy Singsong ]
Now, what you gotta do...

if you wanna get a kiss...

is act real smooth
and make your move like this.

- [ Yawns ]
- Oh, I see.

[Jazzy Singsong ]
So, if I take your advice...

and make your
patented move...

then my chances for love
will slightly improve.

- [ Yawns ]
- [ Giggles ]

- [ Jazzy ] Now what's that rule?
- [Jazzy ] Play it cool.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Screams ]

"[ Big Band ]

Is this cel
worth anything?

[ Sighs ]
Let me show you something.

This-- This is a Snagglepuss drawn
by Hic Heisler. It is worth something.

This-- This is an arm drawn by nobody.
It is worth nothing.

Can't you give me
anything for it?

I can give you this telephone.
It is shaped like Mary Worth.

- [ Groans ]
- No groaning in my store.

" [ ''Moonlight Serenade'' ]

Oh, my favorite song.

This is so nice.

I can't remember
when I felt this young.

Oh! I really can't.

- Oh.
- [ Mr. Burns ] Say, sport.

- Mind if I have the next dance?
- Wha-- D'oh! What the--

Don't sneak up
on a-- Oh, you!

No need for
the blown gasket, Charlie.

I'll have her back
in one piece.

" [ ''Sing, Sing, Sing'' ]

Hey!

"[ Continues ]

[ Growls ]
That big ape thinks he can muscle in...

on my girl,
does he?

I'll show him. I'm gonna give him
the frowning of a lifetime.

[ Grunts ]

[ Mr. Burns Laughing ]

- [ Wheezing ]
- [ Laughs ]

I swear, Monty.
You are the devil himself.

I-- Who told you?

Oh, yes, yes, well.
I'd say you were an angel, but...

angels don't
dance like that.

- Oh!
- [ Laughs ]

- [ Groans ]
- [ Tires Screeching ]

[ Groans ]

Good night, Mrs. Bouvier...

wherever you are.

[ Groans ]

Mr. Simpson, I represent
the estate ofJimmy Durante.

I have a court order
demanding an immediate halt...

to this unauthorized
imitation-- Boys!

[ Growling ]

Well, would it be
all right with you...

if I just laid down
in the street and died?

- [ Papers Rustling ]
- Yes, that would be acceptable.

Smithers, guess what
happened to me last night?

I don't know, sir.
You had sex with that old woman?

She said ''No'' to me. Do you know
how many women have said ''No'' to me?

1 30-- But only one
since I've become a billionaire.

And she's the one
for me. I'm in love!

- Whoop-dee-do, sir.
- Yes, whoop-dee-do.

Whoop-dee-do to the world!
Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist.

Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Physical Trainer.
Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President.

I'm happy you've
finally found love.

Whoop-dee-do,
Tarantula Town.

Whoop-dee-do, employees. Everyone
who's found true love may leave early today.

Whoop-dee-do, employees. Everyone
who's found true love may leave early today.

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Homer] All right!

[ Sniffles, Sobs ]

''Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier.
Re: Delineation of Romantic Intentions.''

[ Scoffs ]
Too sappy.

Smithers, come over here and help me
write a mash note to my girlfriend.

Fine.

[ Gently ] Darling one: Read my words
and hear my heart...

speak of a love,
soft and undying.

A love that will
be with you always.

[ Unemotionally ]
Sincerely, Yada-yada-yada.

That's marvelous.
How did you think of that so fast?

I... sent it to you
on your birthday.

[ Sniffles ]
Excuse me. I have something in my eye.

Hmm.

Mom's almost ready
for her date.

She sure seems taken
by this new beau.

I feel so bad
for Grampa.

Dad says this new guy is a repulsive,
obnoxious old billionaire.

So, let's all
be extra nice to him.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Screaming ]

Hello. Why, it's--
It's, uh--

Oh, it's, uh--

[ Inaudible Whisper]

- Right.
- [ Snickers ]

Why it's Fred Flintstone
and his lovely wife, Wilma.

Oh, and this must be
little Pebbles.

- Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.
- Yabba dabba do!

He's an awful, awful,
awful man.

I guess if he makes Mom happy,
that's all that really matters.

That's right, ''Money.''

Your ''money's'' happiness
is all that ''moneys.''

- [ Exhales ]
- Hmm.

Hi. You know, Grandma really likes it
when her boyfriends are nice to me.

She especially likes it
when they give me money.

Run along, peewee.
Baby gets nothing.

Very well, you leave me no choice.
This gun is filled with ketchup.

This one with mustard.
Now give me $3 50 bucks...

or you're gonna be a mess
for your date.

You don't have
the guts.

- [ Growls ]
- [ Yells ] Here. Take your money. Take it.

[ Mutters ]
Now, the tables have turned, haven't they?

[ Grandma ]
Monty, I'm ready.

- Hmm?
- Ooh.

- Oh, why'd she have to leave me?
- Hi, Abe.

We heard you was in need
of some cheering up.

- So we got you a special cake.
- [ Woman Coughing ]

Uh-oh. Better call
the nurse.

- " [ Flourish ]
- Bravissimo, Luigi.

Bring us your
finest bottle of vino.

Hey, you trust Luigi.

He knows what for
to make-a really nice the amore.

Monty, I've never been
to a more romantic restaurant.

[ Luigi ]
Hey, Salvatore, break out the cheap hooch...

for Mr. No Tip and the dried-up
zombie he's-a captured.

Dad, I'm really sorry, but I charged
$3 50 on your credit card.

- What?
- Don't worry. Here's the cash.

Whoo-hoo! $3 50.

Now, I can buy 7 0 transcripts
of Nightline.

- But, Dad--
- [ Laughs ]

Oh, well,
he's happy.

I'm gonna keep this Mary Worth phone
right here.

Her stern, but sensible face will remind me
never to do anything so stupid again.

- [ Ringing ]
- [ Milhouse ] Hey, Bart.

You wanna go play with that X-ray machine
in the abandoned hospital?

Sure.

Now, my dear. If you
look in your champagne...

I think you'll find
a little surprise.

[ Slurps, Gags ]

[ Laughs Nervously ]
Not to worry.

I believe there's another one
around here somewhere.

[ Yells ]

Oh! Yeah. [Joints Cracking ]
My darling...

since my kneecaps are filling
with fluid as we speak...

I'll be brief--
Will you marry me?

Oh! Mom, you can't marry
Mr. Burns. He's an evil man.

Evil, schmevil, Marge.
Monty can provide for me.

- Besides, he's a great kisser.
- Ew! Yuck!

Mm, what about
Abe Simpson?

Don't you have
any feelings for him?

Oh, he's a dear, but he's too much
of an old fusspot.

We're all aware
of Grampa's problems...

but compared to Mr. Burns,
he's Judge freaking Reinhold.

I don't know
who that is.

Oh! Who needs her?

Now I'll have more time
to read things I find on the ground.

''La-tex Con-dom.''

Boy, I'd like
to live in one of those!

[ Groans ]

[ Chatter ]

Hey, Barney, why don't you fill out
the groom's side?

- Hey! Down in front!
- Nein.!

"[ Organ.: ''Wedding March'']

Where's Grampa?
Wasn't he invited?

Yeah, but his
reply envelope...

just had a check
to the gas company in it.

[ Both Groaning ]

[ Camera Shutters Clicking ]

And, so, when Eliphaz came down
from Mount Hebron bearing fgs...

he offered them
to Moham...

who you will remember
is the father of Shecham...

and to Hazar, on the occasion
of their matrimony...

much in the same--

We've heard enough about Bliz-blaz
and Him-ham already.

- Get to the bloody point!
- [ Mutters ]

Do you, Charles
Montgomery Burns...

take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do.
- Oops.

The ring, you little imbecile,
before I really lose my temper.

- [ Growls ]
- [ Grunts ]

- Hmm? Hmm?
- I know. I know.

Ow, ow, ow!

Do you,Jacqueline Bouvier...

take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

- "[ Organ.: ''Moonlight Serenade'']
- Oh, Monty!

My favorite song.
How did--

I specifically requested
no romantic music!

- Wha--
- Mrs. Bouvier!

Mrs. Bouvier!
[ Screams ]

[ Grunts ]
Mrs. Bouvier!

Honey, are you sure you wanna be
Mrs. Montgomery Burns?

Wouldn't you rather be
Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson?

- No.
- [ Gulps ]

- I don't wanna be either.
- Hot diggity damn!

- That's good enough for me!
- [ Chatter]

- "[ Organ.: ''Wedding March'']
- [ Cheering ]

[ Sighs ]

"[ Soft Rock ]

Hmm? Turn off
that racket!

Yeah, fat chance, pops.

"Hello, Grampa,
my old friend "

" Your busy day
is at an end "

" Your exploits have been
sad and boring "

" Your exploits have been
sad and boring "

" They tell a tale
that's worth ignoring "

" When you're alone
the words of your story "

" Will echo down
the rest home hall "

" 'Cause no one at all "

" Can stand the sound
of Grampa "

[ Grampa ]
I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier...

because her raspy voice
reminded me of my old Victrola.

Oh, it was a fne machine...

with a vulcanized rubber
listening tube...

which you crammed
in your ear.

The tube would go in easier
with some sort oflubricant...

like linseed oil
or Dr. Shumway's--

- Shh!
- I'm sorry.