The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Boy Who Knew Too Much - full transcript
After playing truant from school, Bart witnesses the alleged assault of a waiter by Mayor Quimby's nephew, Freddy. However, if he comes forward, he will have to admit he skipped class, and face the consequences.
[ Chorus ]
" The Simpsons "
[ Bell Ringing ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Beeping ]
" [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh!
[ Screams ]
Oh! How can they imprison kids
in school on a beautiful day like this?
They're not
imprisoning us, Bart. They're--
- Prison bus, Otto?
- The regular school bus broke down.
So take a seat before
I blow your heads off!.
- Otto!
- Oh, sorry.
This bus and I have sort of
a Shining thing going on.
" [ Blues ]
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Ahhh--
[ Sighs ] This is what
being a kid is all about.
Hey, Huck, what's
L-I-N-C-O-N doing here?
I don't know.
It's your fantasy.
- Hi, Abe.
- Hello, Bart.
[ All Groaning ]
Ow! Ow!
Well, children, our new ultra-hard
Posturific chairs have arrived.
They've been designed
by eminent posturologists...
to eliminate slouching
by the year 3000.
Mrs. Krabappel-- [ Groans ]
I'm having back spasms!
[ Chuckles ] I know they seem
a little uncomfortable right now.
But eventually your bones
will change shape.
[ Slurred ] I've lost all feeling
in the left side of my body.
Yeah. Yeah. Now, unfortunately our school
clocks have been running fast all semester...
so today we all have to stay two extra hours
to make up for the time we lost.
- Ha!
- [ Groaning ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Chittering ]
[ Engine Rewing ]
And to think I got all this
after dropping out of the fourth grade.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Tires Screech ]
That does it. I'm outta here.
Mrs. Krabappel,
I have to go to the dentist.
I have a caraway seed
caught under my bridgework.
My mom's number's there
if you wanna check up on me.
That's okay, Bart.
I trust you.
''Please excuse
my handwriting.
''I busted whichever hand
it is I write with.
Signed, Mrs. Simpson.''
You were right to be suspicious, Edna.
To the crime lab.
Hmm. Inconclusive.
[ Scoffs ]
I wish more students had agreed
to these electronic tracking implants.
We only had one volunteer.
Spill it!
Where's your brother?
You'd better answer him, Lisa.
He's a bad man.
- [ Giggling ]
- What are you laughing about?
You started off
as the bad cop.
And now you're the good one. You and Willie
got mixed-up about 1 0 minutes ago.
We did not! Now, where's Bart?
You better tell me!
Oh! You better tell him, lassie.
I cannot control him when he gets like this.
[ Giggles ]
Now you're the good cop.
What?
[ Sighs ]
The joys of
mortgaging your future.
- [ Splashing ]
- Huh?
[ Gasps ]
My fantasy's come true!
Hey, kid.
You wanna see a dead body?
If I were a truant boy out for a good time,
I'd be right here--
If I were a truant boy out for a good time,
I'd be right here--
the Springfield Natural
History Museum.
[ Chuckling ]
You're mine, Simpson.
Look, if I was under 1 7,
I'd be in school, right?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.
Why, there are no children here
at the 4-H Club either.
Am I so
out of touch?
No. It's the children
who are wrong.
Sold to the small man
with the runny nose for 2.3 million.
- [ Snickers ]
- [ Clears Throat ]
Our next highest bid, uh...
I believe was yours, sir,
for 2.1 million.
[ Laughs ]
- [ Doors Slams ]
- Yes. Were there any serious bids for this painting?
[ All Murmuring ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Gasps ]
Can't let Dad
see me playing hooky!
Can't let the boy
see me skippin' work.
- Good afternoon.
- How do you do, sir?
[ Both Snicker]
[ Both ]
Sucker!
[ Gasps ]
A spoor! Hmm--
His brand of gum,
Doublemint.
Trying to double
your fun, eh, Bart?
Well, I'll double
your detention.
[ Chuckles ] I wish someone
was around to hear that.
And so we enter endgame.
Ay, caramba.!
[ Panting ]
[ Evil Laugh ]
Let's see him track me now.
Oh, my God! He is like
some sort of...
non-giving up...
school guy.
[ Grunting ]
[ Whimpers ]
Oh, he's close.
I can taste his fear.
What the--
[ Laughs ]
Freddy, honey. I think something
just dropped into the backseat.
I'm not paying you
to talk.
Gimme the ball!
People, the punch
has been spiked. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
That's my nephew...
displaying the Quimby wit
that's won the public's heart.
Happy birthday, Freddy. And may
all your disgraces be, uh, private.
- Yes.
- [ All ] Hear! Hear!
- Yes.
- [ All ] Hear! Hear!
And who are you,
little boy?
And who are you,
little boy?
I'm one of your nephews you don't
see very often, uh, Bart-Bart.
Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan,
but your last movie really sucked.
I know. There were
script problems from day one.
Yeah, I'll say.
Magic ticket my ass, McBain.
Maria, my mighty heart
is breaking.
I'll be in the Humvee.
[ Chattering ]
Hey, what the hell is this?
It is a bowl
of''shao-dair,'' sir.
Wait a minute. Come here.
What did you call it?
Say it loud enough so everyone can hear.
Come on. Say it.
[ Clears Throat ]
''Shao-dair.''
''Shao-dair''?
''Shao-dair''?
It's ''chowdah.''
Say it right!
- ''Shah-der.''
- [ Laughs ]
Come back here! I'm not
through demeaning you!
Wow! This is the biggest
Rice Krispy square I've ever seen.
Boy, the rich sure
know how to live.
- Say it, Frenchy. Say ''chowdah';!
- Never!
[ Freddy ] Okay,you asked for it.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
- [ Pots Banging ]
- [ Glass Shattering ]
- [ Snapping ]
- [ Waiter ] Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.
Whoa.!
[ Gasps ]
Oy! That's gotta hurt!
Oh, my God!
Someone's taken a bite
out of the big Rice Krispy square!
Someone's taken a bite
out of the big Rice Krispy square!
Oh, yeah, and the waiter's
been brutally beaten. [ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah, and the waiter's
been brutally beaten. [ Laughs ]
It says Freddy Quimby beat
a waiter half to death.
Those Quimby children
are so wild and rich.
I hope he finally gets
what's coming to him.
- But Freddy Quimby's innocent!
- How do you know? There weren't any witnesses.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, yeah. Right.
You'd think someone would've seen something
at a crowded party like that.
Well, they didn't, okay?
They didn't!
It says so right here in black-and-white,
''no witnesses.''
Case closed. Now,
let's all read the funnies.
Oh, look, Charlie Brown
said, ''Good grief.''
[ Chuckles ]
I didn't see that comin'.
Lisa, I gotta
tell somebody.
I was at the Quimby compound yesterday
when that frog waiter got whacked.
I know that Freddy Quimby
is innocent.
You're a witness?
Bart, you have to tell the police.
- [ Sighs ] I can't.
- Why?
- [ Brakes Squeal ]
- Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday.
And as soon as I can prove it,
I'm shipping you off...
to the Christian
Military Reform School.
What he said.
Oh, I see. If you testify,
Skinner will know you skipped school.
Well, if Freddy Quimby
didn't do it...
I'm sure he'll be found innocent
by a fair and impartial jury.
Oh,jury duty!
I'll see that
Quimby kid hang for this!
- [ Sighs ]
- I knew it was a bad idea
to watch him open the mail.
Let's go over to the county courthouse
live to Kent Brockman.
...ockman,just outside the county courtroom
where an argument about chowder...
has spilled over into the biggest trial
in Springfield history.
Behind these doors, a federal judge
will ladle out steaming bowls...
of rich, creamy justice
in a case the media have dubbed...
''Beat-up Waiter.''
[ Scoffs ]
This reporter
suggested ''Waitergate,''
but was shouted down
at the press club.
Now, it's illegal to televise
court proceedings in this state...
Now, it's illegal to televise
court proceedings in this state...
[ Whispering ]
so we'll have to be quiet.
[ Thinking ] I know you can
read my thoughts, Bart.
Just a little reminder--
if I find out you cut class...
your ass is mine.
Yes, you heard me.
I think words
I would never say.
I know you can
read my thoughts, boy.
" Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow "
" Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow "
I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby
is totally innocent.
First of all, his accuser
is a very shady character.
That waiter, Mr. LaCoste,
not only wasn't born in Springfield...
he wasn't even born
in this country!
[ Gasping, Murmuring ]
- It's an exclusive.!
- From now on, you tell me everything.
Uh, Freddy Quimby was with me
the entire... night in question.
We were collecting canned goods
for the starving people in...
uh, you know,
one of them loser countries.
- Well, that clears Quimby.
- He's clearly innocent.
Oh, good.
My laundry is done.
You see, Lisa?
They don't need my testimony.
Only because Mayor Quimby
is buying his nephew's freedom.
[ Sighs ] The system works.
Just ask Claus von Bulow.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove
to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty...
but that he is also innocent
of not being guilty.
I refer you to my expert witness,
Dr. Hibbert.
Well, only one in
two million people has...
what we call
the ''evil gene.''
Hitler had it.
Walt Disney had it.
And Freddy Quimby has it.
Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.
I rest my case.
You rest your case?
What? Oh, no. I thought
that was just a figure of speech.
Case closed.
Excuse me, Your Honor. Yes, I'd like
to bring something to the court's attention.
[ Snoring ]
- Huh? What?
- Give those glasses to the bailiff.
All right.
- And those.
- Oh!
Your Honor, even though
I've proven my client's innocence...
I'd still like to call
Freddy Quimby to the stand...
so that we can all
bask in his gentle decency.
- He's wealthy, therefore, inherently good.
- [ Woman ] Yes, innocent.
Mr. Quimby, did you
assault Mr. LaCoste?
Of course not. I love each and every
living thing on God's green earth.
Well, therefore, you certainly
would never lose your temper...
over something as trivial
as the pronunciation of''chowder.''
That's ''chowdah!''
''Chowdah!'' I'll kill you!
I'll kill all of you!
Especially those of you in the jury!
- [ Gasps, Murmuring ]
- He's clearly guilty.
Wow, that didn't go well.
The defense rests.
Will the jury retire
and come to its decision?
[ Chuckles ]
This won't take long.
He's clearly guilty. We'll probably
be home by dinnertime.
Good. Tonight, the dog from Frasier
is gonna ride the dolphin on SeaQuest.
Well, Bart,
because of you...
a horrible yet innocent
person is going to jail.
Hmm. Maybe I should
come forward.
Oh, I can't wait till the sentencing part.
That's where I really shine.
Bart Simpson,
for the heinous crime of hooky...
I sentence you to a lifetime
of hard labor in the cafeteria.
[ Raspy Voice ]
More creamed corn,JimboJr.?
This creamed corn tastes
like creamed crap.
Watch the potty mouth, honey.
[ Sighs ]
Your sister says you have
something to tell me.
What? Uh--
Um, yeah. Oh, I just--
I just wanted to say how great it is...
to finally see some chicks
on the bench.
- Mm.
- Keep up the good work, toots.
[ Laughs ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Chuckles ] Chicks on the bench.
Why bother votin'?
He's guilty.
Well, we might as well
make it official.
- What does ''sequestered'' mean?
- If the jury is deadlocked,
they are put in a hotel together...
so they can't communicate
with the outside world.
- What does ''deadlocked'' mean?
- It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
- Uh-huh. And ''if'?
- A conjunction meaning...
''in the event that''
or ''on condition that.''
So if we don't all
vote the same way...
we'll be deadlocked...
and have to be
sequestered...
in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
That's not
gonna happen, Homer.
Let's vote.
My liver is failing.
Where we'll get: a free room,
free food, free swimming pool...
free HBO--
Ooh! Free Willy.!
Justice is not
a frivolous thing, Simpson.
It has little, if anything,
to do with a disobedient whale.
- Now let's vote.
- Uh, how are the rest of you voting?
- Guilty.
- Okay, fine.
- How many S's in ''innocent''?
- [ Groaning ]
I'm only doing
what I think is right.
I believe Freddy Quimby
should walk out of here a free hotel.
Oh, I miss you too, Marge.
But the law needs me.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
Room service, send up
two more pot roasts...
and three more pillows
with mints on 'em.
You know,
[ Chuckles ]
we're kind of like
the original Odd Couple.
You're the messy one,
and I'm--
- Shut up!
- Oh, yes. Very well.
- " [ Itchy And Scratchy Theme ]
- So, Bart...
have your insides been
gnawed away by guilt yet?
Sell it to Hallmark, Sis.
You're looking at cucumber boy.
As in, ''cool as a.''
[ Announcer]
Next on McGarnigal--
McGarnigal is framed for
a crime he didn't commit.
And only one witness
can clear his name...
a little sissy boy who's
too scared to come forward.
You gotta tell him
what you saw, Billy.
But I'm so scared,
McGarnigal.
You gotta do this one for me, Billy.
McGarnigal.
Okay. For you,
McGarnigal.
Well, McGarnigal,
Billy is dead!
They slit his throat
from ear to ear.
Hey, I'm trying
to eat lunch here.
Hey, I'm trying
to eat lunch here.
Jump, Free Willy!Jump.
Jump with all your might.
- Ahh-- [ Screams ]
- [ Splats ]
[ Woman ] Oh, no.
Willy didn't make it!
And he crushed our boy!
- [ Man ] Ugh! What a mess.
- Oh!
I don't like this
new director's cut.
[ Straining ]
- Got it, Barn?
- [ Barney ] Got what?
- [ Crashes ]
- Ow.!
- You're stealing a table?
- I'm not stealin' it.
Hotels expect you to take
a few things. It's a souvenir.
- Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
- Souvenir.
- " [ Humming ]
- Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy...
who's going to jail,
but I know he's innocent.
Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur
used to have a saying...
''Shoot 'em all,
and let God sort 'em out.''
Unfortunately, one day
he put his theory into practice.
It took 7 5 federal marshals
to bring him down.
Now, let's never
speak of him again.
" [ Humming ]
Mom? Mom!
- Mom!
- Hmm?
What if I can get
this guy off the hook?
I mean,
sh-should I do it?
Honey, you should listen to your heart
and not the voices in your head...
like a certain uncle did
one gray December morn.
" [ Humming ]
[ Sighs ]
Even though reopening
a trial at this point...
is illegal and grossly
unconstitutional...
I just can't
say no to kids.
So, young man...
if Freddy Quimby didn't
inflict these injuries on Mr. LaCoste...
just who did?
Well, I was hiding in the kitchen
when it all happened.
Say it, Frenchy.!
Say ''chowdah';!
- Never!
- Okay, you asked for it.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
[ Grunting ]
- [ Snapping ]
- Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.
- And that's what really happened.
- This is an outrage!
I am not a clumsy
Clouseau-esque waiter!
I will--
Whoa! Whoo! Whoo!
[ Screaming ]
Ooh.! Ow.! Ow.! Ow.!
At least there
were no big ones.
- [ Loud Clamp ]
- Ay.
How could you have seen all this, Bart?
Weren't you supposed to be in school?
[ Inhales ]
I... sorta skipped school.
I knew it! I knew you'd slip up
sooner or later, Simpson!
What slipup?
What are you talking about?
- He confessed it.
- Quiet. I need this.
This court finds Freddy Quimby
innocent of all charges.
Case dismissed.
[ Cheering ]
Bart, I'm impressed with
what you did in there.
You testified for the Quimby boy, even though
it was putting your own head in a noose.
On the other hand,
you skipped school.
I guess the two things
cancel each other out, huh.
[ Sighs ] I'm a small man
in some ways, Bart.
A small, petty man.
- Three months detention.
- [ Groans ]
Wait a minute, Bart.
Make that...
four months detention.
four months detention.
[ Homer ] Well, Marge,
it was horrible.
Everyone was against me
in that jury room.
But I stood by the courage
of my convictions, and I prevailed.
And that's why we had
Chinese food for lunch.
Good for you, Homie.
You know, a lot of things
happened around here while you were gone.
Great, Marge.
I want to hear all about it. [ Chuckles ]
- [ Marge ] Give me those.!
- [ Glasses Snap, Homer Groans ]
- And those.
- [ Snap, Groan ]
- And those.
- [ Snap, Groan ]
- [ People Chattering ]
- Shh!
" The Simpsons "
[ Bell Ringing ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Beeping ]
" [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh!
[ Screams ]
Oh! How can they imprison kids
in school on a beautiful day like this?
They're not
imprisoning us, Bart. They're--
- Prison bus, Otto?
- The regular school bus broke down.
So take a seat before
I blow your heads off!.
- Otto!
- Oh, sorry.
This bus and I have sort of
a Shining thing going on.
" [ Blues ]
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Ahhh--
[ Sighs ] This is what
being a kid is all about.
Hey, Huck, what's
L-I-N-C-O-N doing here?
I don't know.
It's your fantasy.
- Hi, Abe.
- Hello, Bart.
[ All Groaning ]
Ow! Ow!
Well, children, our new ultra-hard
Posturific chairs have arrived.
They've been designed
by eminent posturologists...
to eliminate slouching
by the year 3000.
Mrs. Krabappel-- [ Groans ]
I'm having back spasms!
[ Chuckles ] I know they seem
a little uncomfortable right now.
But eventually your bones
will change shape.
[ Slurred ] I've lost all feeling
in the left side of my body.
Yeah. Yeah. Now, unfortunately our school
clocks have been running fast all semester...
so today we all have to stay two extra hours
to make up for the time we lost.
- Ha!
- [ Groaning ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Chittering ]
[ Engine Rewing ]
And to think I got all this
after dropping out of the fourth grade.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Tires Screech ]
That does it. I'm outta here.
Mrs. Krabappel,
I have to go to the dentist.
I have a caraway seed
caught under my bridgework.
My mom's number's there
if you wanna check up on me.
That's okay, Bart.
I trust you.
''Please excuse
my handwriting.
''I busted whichever hand
it is I write with.
Signed, Mrs. Simpson.''
You were right to be suspicious, Edna.
To the crime lab.
Hmm. Inconclusive.
[ Scoffs ]
I wish more students had agreed
to these electronic tracking implants.
We only had one volunteer.
Spill it!
Where's your brother?
You'd better answer him, Lisa.
He's a bad man.
- [ Giggling ]
- What are you laughing about?
You started off
as the bad cop.
And now you're the good one. You and Willie
got mixed-up about 1 0 minutes ago.
We did not! Now, where's Bart?
You better tell me!
Oh! You better tell him, lassie.
I cannot control him when he gets like this.
[ Giggles ]
Now you're the good cop.
What?
[ Sighs ]
The joys of
mortgaging your future.
- [ Splashing ]
- Huh?
[ Gasps ]
My fantasy's come true!
Hey, kid.
You wanna see a dead body?
If I were a truant boy out for a good time,
I'd be right here--
If I were a truant boy out for a good time,
I'd be right here--
the Springfield Natural
History Museum.
[ Chuckling ]
You're mine, Simpson.
Look, if I was under 1 7,
I'd be in school, right?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Enjoy Boob-A-Rama, sir.
Why, there are no children here
at the 4-H Club either.
Am I so
out of touch?
No. It's the children
who are wrong.
Sold to the small man
with the runny nose for 2.3 million.
- [ Snickers ]
- [ Clears Throat ]
Our next highest bid, uh...
I believe was yours, sir,
for 2.1 million.
[ Laughs ]
- [ Doors Slams ]
- Yes. Were there any serious bids for this painting?
[ All Murmuring ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Gasps ]
Can't let Dad
see me playing hooky!
Can't let the boy
see me skippin' work.
- Good afternoon.
- How do you do, sir?
[ Both Snicker]
[ Both ]
Sucker!
[ Gasps ]
A spoor! Hmm--
His brand of gum,
Doublemint.
Trying to double
your fun, eh, Bart?
Well, I'll double
your detention.
[ Chuckles ] I wish someone
was around to hear that.
And so we enter endgame.
Ay, caramba.!
[ Panting ]
[ Evil Laugh ]
Let's see him track me now.
Oh, my God! He is like
some sort of...
non-giving up...
school guy.
[ Grunting ]
[ Whimpers ]
Oh, he's close.
I can taste his fear.
What the--
[ Laughs ]
Freddy, honey. I think something
just dropped into the backseat.
I'm not paying you
to talk.
Gimme the ball!
People, the punch
has been spiked. [ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
That's my nephew...
displaying the Quimby wit
that's won the public's heart.
Happy birthday, Freddy. And may
all your disgraces be, uh, private.
- Yes.
- [ All ] Hear! Hear!
- Yes.
- [ All ] Hear! Hear!
And who are you,
little boy?
And who are you,
little boy?
I'm one of your nephews you don't
see very often, uh, Bart-Bart.
Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan,
but your last movie really sucked.
I know. There were
script problems from day one.
Yeah, I'll say.
Magic ticket my ass, McBain.
Maria, my mighty heart
is breaking.
I'll be in the Humvee.
[ Chattering ]
Hey, what the hell is this?
It is a bowl
of''shao-dair,'' sir.
Wait a minute. Come here.
What did you call it?
Say it loud enough so everyone can hear.
Come on. Say it.
[ Clears Throat ]
''Shao-dair.''
''Shao-dair''?
''Shao-dair''?
It's ''chowdah.''
Say it right!
- ''Shah-der.''
- [ Laughs ]
Come back here! I'm not
through demeaning you!
Wow! This is the biggest
Rice Krispy square I've ever seen.
Boy, the rich sure
know how to live.
- Say it, Frenchy. Say ''chowdah';!
- Never!
[ Freddy ] Okay,you asked for it.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
- [ Pots Banging ]
- [ Glass Shattering ]
- [ Snapping ]
- [ Waiter ] Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.
Whoa.!
[ Gasps ]
Oy! That's gotta hurt!
Oh, my God!
Someone's taken a bite
out of the big Rice Krispy square!
Someone's taken a bite
out of the big Rice Krispy square!
Oh, yeah, and the waiter's
been brutally beaten. [ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah, and the waiter's
been brutally beaten. [ Laughs ]
It says Freddy Quimby beat
a waiter half to death.
Those Quimby children
are so wild and rich.
I hope he finally gets
what's coming to him.
- But Freddy Quimby's innocent!
- How do you know? There weren't any witnesses.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, yeah. Right.
You'd think someone would've seen something
at a crowded party like that.
Well, they didn't, okay?
They didn't!
It says so right here in black-and-white,
''no witnesses.''
Case closed. Now,
let's all read the funnies.
Oh, look, Charlie Brown
said, ''Good grief.''
[ Chuckles ]
I didn't see that comin'.
Lisa, I gotta
tell somebody.
I was at the Quimby compound yesterday
when that frog waiter got whacked.
I know that Freddy Quimby
is innocent.
You're a witness?
Bart, you have to tell the police.
- [ Sighs ] I can't.
- Why?
- [ Brakes Squeal ]
- Bart Simpson, I know you cut school yesterday.
And as soon as I can prove it,
I'm shipping you off...
to the Christian
Military Reform School.
What he said.
Oh, I see. If you testify,
Skinner will know you skipped school.
Well, if Freddy Quimby
didn't do it...
I'm sure he'll be found innocent
by a fair and impartial jury.
Oh,jury duty!
I'll see that
Quimby kid hang for this!
- [ Sighs ]
- I knew it was a bad idea
to watch him open the mail.
Let's go over to the county courthouse
live to Kent Brockman.
...ockman,just outside the county courtroom
where an argument about chowder...
has spilled over into the biggest trial
in Springfield history.
Behind these doors, a federal judge
will ladle out steaming bowls...
of rich, creamy justice
in a case the media have dubbed...
''Beat-up Waiter.''
[ Scoffs ]
This reporter
suggested ''Waitergate,''
but was shouted down
at the press club.
Now, it's illegal to televise
court proceedings in this state...
Now, it's illegal to televise
court proceedings in this state...
[ Whispering ]
so we'll have to be quiet.
[ Thinking ] I know you can
read my thoughts, Bart.
Just a little reminder--
if I find out you cut class...
your ass is mine.
Yes, you heard me.
I think words
I would never say.
I know you can
read my thoughts, boy.
" Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow "
" Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow "
I intend to prove that Freddy Quimby
is totally innocent.
First of all, his accuser
is a very shady character.
That waiter, Mr. LaCoste,
not only wasn't born in Springfield...
he wasn't even born
in this country!
[ Gasping, Murmuring ]
- It's an exclusive.!
- From now on, you tell me everything.
Uh, Freddy Quimby was with me
the entire... night in question.
We were collecting canned goods
for the starving people in...
uh, you know,
one of them loser countries.
- Well, that clears Quimby.
- He's clearly innocent.
Oh, good.
My laundry is done.
You see, Lisa?
They don't need my testimony.
Only because Mayor Quimby
is buying his nephew's freedom.
[ Sighs ] The system works.
Just ask Claus von Bulow.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove
to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty...
but that he is also innocent
of not being guilty.
I refer you to my expert witness,
Dr. Hibbert.
Well, only one in
two million people has...
what we call
the ''evil gene.''
Hitler had it.
Walt Disney had it.
And Freddy Quimby has it.
Thank you, Dr. Hibbert.
I rest my case.
You rest your case?
What? Oh, no. I thought
that was just a figure of speech.
Case closed.
Excuse me, Your Honor. Yes, I'd like
to bring something to the court's attention.
[ Snoring ]
- Huh? What?
- Give those glasses to the bailiff.
All right.
- And those.
- Oh!
Your Honor, even though
I've proven my client's innocence...
I'd still like to call
Freddy Quimby to the stand...
so that we can all
bask in his gentle decency.
- He's wealthy, therefore, inherently good.
- [ Woman ] Yes, innocent.
Mr. Quimby, did you
assault Mr. LaCoste?
Of course not. I love each and every
living thing on God's green earth.
Well, therefore, you certainly
would never lose your temper...
over something as trivial
as the pronunciation of''chowder.''
That's ''chowdah!''
''Chowdah!'' I'll kill you!
I'll kill all of you!
Especially those of you in the jury!
- [ Gasps, Murmuring ]
- He's clearly guilty.
Wow, that didn't go well.
The defense rests.
Will the jury retire
and come to its decision?
[ Chuckles ]
This won't take long.
He's clearly guilty. We'll probably
be home by dinnertime.
Good. Tonight, the dog from Frasier
is gonna ride the dolphin on SeaQuest.
Well, Bart,
because of you...
a horrible yet innocent
person is going to jail.
Hmm. Maybe I should
come forward.
Oh, I can't wait till the sentencing part.
That's where I really shine.
Bart Simpson,
for the heinous crime of hooky...
I sentence you to a lifetime
of hard labor in the cafeteria.
[ Raspy Voice ]
More creamed corn,JimboJr.?
This creamed corn tastes
like creamed crap.
Watch the potty mouth, honey.
[ Sighs ]
Your sister says you have
something to tell me.
What? Uh--
Um, yeah. Oh, I just--
I just wanted to say how great it is...
to finally see some chicks
on the bench.
- Mm.
- Keep up the good work, toots.
[ Laughs ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Chuckles ] Chicks on the bench.
Why bother votin'?
He's guilty.
Well, we might as well
make it official.
- What does ''sequestered'' mean?
- If the jury is deadlocked,
they are put in a hotel together...
so they can't communicate
with the outside world.
- What does ''deadlocked'' mean?
- It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
- Uh-huh. And ''if'?
- A conjunction meaning...
''in the event that''
or ''on condition that.''
So if we don't all
vote the same way...
we'll be deadlocked...
and have to be
sequestered...
in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
That's not
gonna happen, Homer.
Let's vote.
My liver is failing.
Where we'll get: a free room,
free food, free swimming pool...
free HBO--
Ooh! Free Willy.!
Justice is not
a frivolous thing, Simpson.
It has little, if anything,
to do with a disobedient whale.
- Now let's vote.
- Uh, how are the rest of you voting?
- Guilty.
- Okay, fine.
- How many S's in ''innocent''?
- [ Groaning ]
I'm only doing
what I think is right.
I believe Freddy Quimby
should walk out of here a free hotel.
Oh, I miss you too, Marge.
But the law needs me.
I'll be home as soon as I can.
Room service, send up
two more pot roasts...
and three more pillows
with mints on 'em.
You know,
[ Chuckles ]
we're kind of like
the original Odd Couple.
You're the messy one,
and I'm--
- Shut up!
- Oh, yes. Very well.
- " [ Itchy And Scratchy Theme ]
- So, Bart...
have your insides been
gnawed away by guilt yet?
Sell it to Hallmark, Sis.
You're looking at cucumber boy.
As in, ''cool as a.''
[ Announcer]
Next on McGarnigal--
McGarnigal is framed for
a crime he didn't commit.
And only one witness
can clear his name...
a little sissy boy who's
too scared to come forward.
You gotta tell him
what you saw, Billy.
But I'm so scared,
McGarnigal.
You gotta do this one for me, Billy.
McGarnigal.
Okay. For you,
McGarnigal.
Well, McGarnigal,
Billy is dead!
They slit his throat
from ear to ear.
Hey, I'm trying
to eat lunch here.
Hey, I'm trying
to eat lunch here.
Jump, Free Willy!Jump.
Jump with all your might.
- Ahh-- [ Screams ]
- [ Splats ]
[ Woman ] Oh, no.
Willy didn't make it!
And he crushed our boy!
- [ Man ] Ugh! What a mess.
- Oh!
I don't like this
new director's cut.
[ Straining ]
- Got it, Barn?
- [ Barney ] Got what?
- [ Crashes ]
- Ow.!
- You're stealing a table?
- I'm not stealin' it.
Hotels expect you to take
a few things. It's a souvenir.
- Ah. Is that my necktie you're wearing?
- Souvenir.
- " [ Humming ]
- Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy...
who's going to jail,
but I know he's innocent.
Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur
used to have a saying...
''Shoot 'em all,
and let God sort 'em out.''
Unfortunately, one day
he put his theory into practice.
It took 7 5 federal marshals
to bring him down.
Now, let's never
speak of him again.
" [ Humming ]
Mom? Mom!
- Mom!
- Hmm?
What if I can get
this guy off the hook?
I mean,
sh-should I do it?
Honey, you should listen to your heart
and not the voices in your head...
like a certain uncle did
one gray December morn.
" [ Humming ]
[ Sighs ]
Even though reopening
a trial at this point...
is illegal and grossly
unconstitutional...
I just can't
say no to kids.
So, young man...
if Freddy Quimby didn't
inflict these injuries on Mr. LaCoste...
just who did?
Well, I was hiding in the kitchen
when it all happened.
Say it, Frenchy.!
Say ''chowdah';!
- Never!
- Okay, you asked for it.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
[ Grunting ]
- [ Snapping ]
- Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh. Ow, ooh.
- And that's what really happened.
- This is an outrage!
I am not a clumsy
Clouseau-esque waiter!
I will--
Whoa! Whoo! Whoo!
[ Screaming ]
Ooh.! Ow.! Ow.! Ow.!
At least there
were no big ones.
- [ Loud Clamp ]
- Ay.
How could you have seen all this, Bart?
Weren't you supposed to be in school?
[ Inhales ]
I... sorta skipped school.
I knew it! I knew you'd slip up
sooner or later, Simpson!
What slipup?
What are you talking about?
- He confessed it.
- Quiet. I need this.
This court finds Freddy Quimby
innocent of all charges.
Case dismissed.
[ Cheering ]
Bart, I'm impressed with
what you did in there.
You testified for the Quimby boy, even though
it was putting your own head in a noose.
On the other hand,
you skipped school.
I guess the two things
cancel each other out, huh.
[ Sighs ] I'm a small man
in some ways, Bart.
A small, petty man.
- Three months detention.
- [ Groans ]
Wait a minute, Bart.
Make that...
four months detention.
four months detention.
[ Homer ] Well, Marge,
it was horrible.
Everyone was against me
in that jury room.
But I stood by the courage
of my convictions, and I prevailed.
And that's why we had
Chinese food for lunch.
Good for you, Homie.
You know, a lot of things
happened around here while you were gone.
Great, Marge.
I want to hear all about it. [ Chuckles ]
- [ Marge ] Give me those.!
- [ Glasses Snap, Homer Groans ]
- And those.
- [ Snap, Groan ]
- And those.
- [ Snap, Groan ]
- [ People Chattering ]
- Shh!