The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 19 - Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song - full transcript

Oh, they're gonna eat
this up in show-and-tell.

I'm not sure if I'm
comfortable with the idea...

of your classmates laughing
at our family's private moments.

How would you like it
if 20 years from now...

people were laughing at things you did?

Not likely. Come on. Have
a sense of humor about yourself.

I'm a big boy today.

I gotta find something else quick.

Why don't you bring this
potato? It's pretty big.

Mom, you're always trying
to give me potatoes.

What is it with you?
- I just think they're neat.



I need something for show-and-tell.

Just take one of my geodes.

The rocks on my desk.

No, that's a trilobite.

That's petrified wood.

Bart, that's a bran muffin.!

Greetings,
fellow geode-ologist.

I'll be right back!

The ingredients were
fresh pureed tomatoes...

water, salt and sodium benzoate
used to retard spoilage.

Once again,
if I'm not mistaken...

this can contained tomato paste.

Thank you, Nelson. I look forward
to seeing it again next week.

Bart, you're up.



Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel...

I come before you today to solve a riddle...

that has plagued mankind for centuries.

What has four legs and ticks?

A walking clock?
- A walking clock!

I'd wager he has some variety
of walking clock in that box.

Bart, is it a walking clock?

What? No, it's my dog.

- Oh, he is a gem!

Here, boy. Would you like these
cookies Martin made for me?

My raisin roundies!

My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper.

One time he crawled under the house, and...

when he came out, he
was covered with ants.

Then he ran into a church
and drank all the holy water.

Wow!

Thank you, Bart. Great job.

I knew the dog before he came to class.

Kaboom! That, the sound
of the thunderous volcanic explosion...

which gives birth to the magnificent
geode, one of nature's most--

You're doing it wrong.! You gotta
pet him hard so he can feel it.

Look, look, look!
The doggy sneezed!

Ha! It thinks it's people.
-

Oh, smoochie. Here,
poochie, poochie, poochie!

My geode must be acknowledged.

Oh, brother. All right.
Back to show-and-tell.

Bart, why don't you put the doggy away?

Mmm.

More testicles mean more iron.

Uh, Miss Hoover,
there's a dog in the vent.

Ralph, remember the time you
said Snagglepuss was outside?

He was going to the bathroom.

Uh, I-I know Weinstein's parents
were upset, Superintendent...

but I-I was sure it was a phony excuse.

I mean, it sounds so made-up.
'Yom Kip Pur.'

I mean, it sounds so made-up.
'Yom Kip Pur.'

Sir, you've got to come quick!

There's a dog runnin' around
in the air ducts!

I understand. Children,
this is Principal Skinner.

Remain calm.
There is a dog in the vents.

Willie, go into the vent and get him!

What? Have you gone
waxy in your 'beester'?

I cannot fit in the wee vent,
ya croquet-playin' mint muncher!

Grease yourself up and go in, you--

you guff-speaking work slacker.

Ooh, good comeback.

Lunch Lady Doris,
have you got any grease?

Yes. Yes, we do.
- Then grease me up, woman!

Okeydokey.

Good Lord! It's coming up
right behind him!

What the-- No! No!

Ow! Ow! Stop it!

Children, teachers,
back to your rooms.

Uh-oh. Whenever I get
this upset, I get hiccups.

Oh, right on cue.

There's nary an animal alive
that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Now, out we go.

'Tis more dizzyin' than the belfry
at St. Corgegluynwaagen's.

That's nice work, boys.

- Uh-oh.!

Someone's getting a visit
from Superintendent Chalmers.

I... can't...
take... this.

Skinner!
- Superintendent Chalmers...

you didn't have to come
all the way down here.

Everything's under control.
-

Oh, I have had it! I have had it
with this school, Skinner!

The low test scores, class after class
of ugly, ugly children!

Oh, now I really think
the children's appearance--

Seymour, you are in very,
very big trouble.

Why, looking into this loveable
mutt's eyes just melts my heart.

Seymour, all is forgiven.

Make way for Willie.!

I said make way for Willie,
ya bloated gasbag!

Seymour.
- Hmm?

You're fired!
-

I'm sorry. Did-- Did you just call me a liar?

No. I said you were fired.
- Oh. That's much worse.

I thought I'd be jumping
for joy the day Skinner left...

but now all I have is this weird,
hot feeling in the back of my head.

That's guilt. You feel guilty because your
stunt wound up costing a man his job.

Yeah, I guess it is guilt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me get this straight.

They let everybody out of school early
just because you brought a dog?

Well, yeah, but--
- Well, I'm off to work.

The dog has had enough excitement.
- But, Marge...

dogs can never have enough excitement.

Look. Whee! Whee!

Whee, whee!

All right, all right.
I won't take the dog. Come here.

- Aw.

Boys and girls, because of Mr. Skinner's
sudden departure...

I've had to appoint a new principal.

Leopold.
-

All right, you little punks.
Prick up your freakin' ears...

because I'm only
gonna be saying this once.

From now on, things are gonna
be very, very different around here--

- with your new principal, Ned Flanders.

Well, tippity-top o' the a.m.
to every-good-body here.

As chairman of the P.T.A.,
I am de-didilly-lighted to take over...

and I think I can put
the 'pal' back in principal.

Yeah, and I'll put the 'super'
back in superintendent.

It's the same exact joke.
What gives, Leo?

Now, I know everybody's eager
to get back to class--

Ha.!

but I thought it might break the ice
if we had a little 'Q' and 'A.'

Dude, ask a question, or we'll
have to go back to class.

Um--

Yeah, you.
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, I was wonderin',
do you, uh--

What's your policy on, uh, lunch?

Well, let me just say I want
to put the 'stu' back in students.

It's just a damn popularity
contest with you kids.

Now look what you've done,
you little freaks!

Young man,
your gargantuan cone...

is making a mockery
of our self-serve policy.

Bart, look.
It's Principal Skinner...

and I think he's gone crazy.

He's not wearing a suit or tie or anything.

Principal Skinner, um...

I'm real sorry about my dog
getting you fired...

and biting you and then
getting it on with your leg.

Well, maybe it was for the best.

Now I-- I finally have time to do what I've...

always wanted-- write
the great American novel.

Mine is about a futuristic amusement park...

where dinosaurs are brought to life
through advanced cloning techniques.

I call it Billy and the Clone-osaurus.

Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir.

First you think of an idea
that has already been done.

Then you give it a title that nobody could
possibly like. Didn't you think this through?

...on the best-seller list for 1 8 months!

Every magazine cover had it!

...most popular movies of all time, sir!

What were you thinking?

I mean, thank you.
Come again.

Bart, I've barely been here
a-a good solid week...

and you've been sent to my office 1 1 times.

Now that I have peanut butter cups, you
seem to be getting in trouble every hour.

Must have been a coincidence.

Anyhoo, Bart, you're
gonna have to be punished.

This isn't just some sort of clubhouse.

Oh, sorry. Were you
drinking Slice or Yoo-hoo?

Well, let's see.'Tide. Cheer.

'Bold. Biz.

Fab. All. Gain. Wisk.'

I believe today I will try... Bold.

Bart, how are you?
How's school?

Um, it's-- it's a lot of fun.

Hmm.

Well, it was good to see you.

It was? Well, then we
should get together again.

Say, Saturday at my house.
Do you know where I live?

Uh, no.

Hmm. A flaming bag, eh?

Well, these new Italian loafers
will make short work of it.

Uh, I'm kinda busy on Saturday.

- Hey!

We got Skinner's underpants!

And there's nothing you can do
about it, Mr. Ex-principal.

That's not true.
I can buy a new pair.

No, I can't. I needed those.
I really did.

Oh, you must be Seymour's friend.

He's up in his room.
Don't touch the wallpaper.

'
- ' Ba-ba-ba-bum '

' Ba-ba-ba-bum '

Now a little more allegro
than last time. Bart!

Welcome.

Can I offer you a diet
caffeine-free Dr. Pepper...

or an individual fruit cocktail cup?

Uh, I'll pass.
Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam.

I was their sergeant.
They were my loyal troops.

That photo was taken shortly
before I was shot in the back...

which was very strange because
it was during a Bob Hope show.

I was trying to getJoey Heatherton
to put on some pants, for God's sake!

Seymour, your friend Bart is here.!
- I know, Mother!

Seymour, do you want me
to tell you when it's 7.:30?

No, Mother!

Ned Flanders actually
eliminated detention...

and put the whole school
on the honor system?

Yeah. The teachers
are afraid to leave the faculty lounge.

Oh, that place must be falling apart.

Oh, mercy. Nobody's
mentioned me, have they?

Uh, I thought I heard someone
say your name in the cafeteria...

but they might have been
saying 'skim milk.'

Yeah, yeah.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I thought you might like
this restaurant, Bart.

They'll make a pizza pie
with a topping of your choice.

Hey, Seymour! You want your usual table?
- No, no, Luigi.

I'd like one with two seats.
I'll be dining with a friend tonight.

Hey, good for you, huh?

Hmm. They treat you real nice here.

Hey, Salvatore,
guess who's here!

Mr. Kookalamanza and-a
some real ugly kid.

This is great!
Not only am I not learnin'...

I'm forgettin' stuff I used to know.

And it's all thanks to you, Bart.

Yeah, great.
- What's the matter?

Don't you see, Milhouse?
We've gone too far.

We need Skinner back.
- My water dish is empty!

I learned to read
because of you, Principal Skinner.

Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies.

Principal Skinner,
I got carsick in your office.

Oh, you're Seymour's friend.
Here. He left you this note.

Dear Bart...

Your friendship during this difficult
time will not be forgotten.

However, I've decided to return
to the only thing besides school...

that has ever given my life meaning--

I've reenlisted in the United States Army.

Sincerely,
Sergeant Seymour Skinner.

Table for one.

Oh, you miss your friend, huh?
Don't you worry.

My cooking,
she'll-a cheer you up.

Hey, Salvatore, give-a the ugly kid
a plate of red crap.!

It's good to have another
combat veteran around here.

I myself received a number of medals...

for securing that Montgomery Ward
in Kuwait City.

Mm, yes, Colonel. Now,
I understand it'll be my duty...

to mold the new recruits into a
well-disciplined, highly trained infantry unit.

Sure, I guess. Here they come.
-

Hi. Where do I get my grenades at?

Uh, they don't have them group
toilets here no more, do they?

Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned
with the way the school's being run.

Yes, deeply concerned.

Well, I may go a little bit easy
on the old hickory dickory stick...

but that's just because my dad
was so hard on me when I was a boy.

Whoopsy-doodle.

Oh, man! Ned spilled ink
all over my poems!

He's a real flat tire.
I mean a cube, man.

He's putting us on the train
to Squaresville, Mona.

Hmm?

' I met a woman in Paris, France '

' Had a big hole in her underpants '

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where did you pick up that filth?

We heard Sergeant Clark's
company singing it, sir.

Yes, well, there will be
no smut in my company.

You're in this man's army to learn.

' I don't know, but I've been told '

'The Parthenon is mighty old '

' How old '
- 'We don't know '

'That's real good but needs improvement '

Wow, I never thought Principal Skinner
could become any more of a square...

but there's the proof.
- It's weird, Lise.

I miss him as a friend, but I miss him
even more as an enemy.

I think you need Skinner, Bart.
Everybody needs a nemesis.

Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty.

Mountain Dew has its Mello Yello.

Even Maggie has that baby
with the one eyebrow.

Man on the range!
Change your trajectory!

Sixteen brand-new gas pumps!

At last we can compete
with the Gas-N-Gulp.

If there was some way to get rid
of Flanders, would you want to come back?

Ah, I must admit I do miss the school.

Frankly, the army isn't
quite as I remembered it.

Up yours, Sergeant!

Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it.

I do want to come back, Bart...

but it doesn't sound like
Flanders is gonna get fired.

Oh, I think I could get him fired.

I got you fired, didn't I?

Yes. Now, you realize
if I become principal again...

we can no longer be friends,
unless you become a good student.

Hmm. That's probably
never gonna happen.

Well, we'll always have the Laundromat.
- Yeah.

What's he doing here?

Once he found out we were gonna get
Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.

Once he found out we were gonna get
Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.

That is true.
- Here's the plan.

Once Chalmers comes for
his next inspection...

and sees how crappy the
school has gotten...

he'll fire Ned on the spot.

Uh, one question remains:
How do I get out of the army?

No problemo. Just make a pass
at your commanding officer.

Done and done.
And I mean done.

- What's going on in there?

Nothing.

Come on, Chalmie. You fired
Skinner for less than this.

Yeah, I did, but Skinner really bugged me.

Besides, the way America's
public schools are sliding...

they'll all be this way in a few months.

I say lay back and enjoy it.
It's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Well, cockilly-doodilly-do, little buddies.

Let's thank the Lord for
another beautiful school day.

Thank the Lor-- Thank the Lord?
That sounded like a prayer.

A prayer!
A prayer in a public school!

God has no place within these walls...

just like facts have no place
within organized religion!

Simpson, you get your wish.
Flanders is history.

Well, I really enjoyed my
time here, Superintendent.

May the Lord bless and keep you.

Yeah, take it outside, God boy.
- Okilly-dokilly.

Dirksen, tuck in your shirt.
Jaffee, spit out that gum.

You really think it's a good idea
to give that freak his job back?

Ah, he seems to know the students' names.

So, I guess we're enemies again.

I guess. Thanks, Bart.

Sure.

Oh, mercy.