The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Homer Loves Flanders - full transcript

[ Chorus ]
" The Simpsons "

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

D'oh!
[ Screams ]

"[ Theme ]

Tonight on Eye on Springfield...

just miles from your doorstep...

hundreds of men are given
weapons and trained to kill.

The government
calls it the army.

But a more alarmist name
would be.:

The Kill-bot Factory--
But first...



Springfield has come down with a fever...

football fever...

brought on by the biggest game of the year.

The Pigskin Classic between
the Shelbyville Sharks...

and our own Springfield Atoms.

If you have the fever,
there's only one cure.

Take two tickets and see
the game Sunday morning.

[ Announcer]
Warning: Tickets should not be taken internally.

See? Because of me,
now they have a warning.

Hey, Dad, sell you these
for 50 bucks.

Whoo-hoo! Sold!

Those aren't tickets
to the game, Homer.

What do you mean?
It says right here:

''Free wig with every purchase of large wig.
Downtown Wig Center.''



Why, you little--
Hmm. Free wig.

Hm-hmm.
[ Imitating Marge ] I love you, Homie. Mmm.

[ Chuckling ]
I don't need her at all anymore.

[ Chattering ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Chuckling ]
I did it. Second in line.

And all I had to do
was miss eight days of work.

With the money you would have made working,
you could've bought tickets from a scalper.

In theory, yes.Jerk.

- [ Yelps ]
- Give me, uh, 30,000 tickets.

That'll be $950,000 please.

Look, the thing about that is I only got
$1 0 on me. Can I pay you the rest later?

Sure.

Ohh.

- [ Man ] "Whoo-hoo-hoo "
- " [ Snapping Fingers ]

"[ Continues ]

[ Announcer ] That was Bobby McFerrin's
new one, ''I'm Worried, Need Money. ''

Okay, if you want two tickets
to the big Pigskin Classic--

- [ Pig Snorting ]
- [ Announcer Laughing ]

just get to a phone
and be our 1 3th caller.

Get tickets! Must get tickets!
Find phone! Yes!

Ho-ho. Stupid sheep.

- [ Homer Shouting ]
- [ Tires Deflating ]

- [ Announcer] Still waiting for that caller.
- [ Whimpering ]

Oh, we have a winner!
What's your name, sir?

- [ Ned ] Ned Flanders.
- Oh, not Flanders. Anybody but Flanders.

[ Ned ] Oh, golly. If that doesn't
put the ''shaz'' in ''shazam.''

Oh, listen. What's the cash value of those tickets
so I can report it on my income tax?

- [ Groans, Shrieks ]
- [ Station Switches ]
" I've got two tickets to paradise "

"Won't you pack your bags
and leave tonight "

[Joining In ]
" I've got two tickets to paradise "

" I've got two tickets to paradise "

" [ Imitating Guitar Riff]

Excellent guitar riff.

Why am I such a loser? Why?

Well, your father was a loser,
and his father, and his father.

It's genetic, man. D'oh!

What's so special
about this game anyway?

It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry
between Springfield and Shelbyville.

They built a mini-mall,
so we built a bigger mini-mall.

They made the world's largest pizza,
so we burnt down their city hall.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, they swore they'd get us back
by spiking our water supply.

But they didn't have the guts.

Ohh, the walls are melting again.

[ Chuckling ]

Personally I think I'm overdone.

God, if you really are God...

-you'll get me tickets to that game.
- [ Doorbell Rings ]

Hidilly-ho, neighbor. Wanna go
to the game with me? I got two tickets.

[ Grunts ]
Why do you mock me, O Lord?

Homer, that's not God.

That's just a waffle
that Bart tossed up there.

Mmm. I know
I shouldn't eat thee, but--

[ Growling ]
Mmm. ''Sacrilicious.''

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Marge ] Homer.!

- Huh?
- Are you planning
to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe...

- and take his tickets?
- Ye-- No.

- [ Grunts ] Oh.
- Hmm?

Flanders, I decided
I'd like to go to the game with you.

[ Chuckles ] Well, get out the Crayolas
and color me tickled pink.

Ooh, what's with the lead pipe?
Were you gonna give my noggin a floggin'?

- Well, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
- [ Laughs ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Gasps ]
Duck! I can't let the boys see me with you!

- What? [ Grunts ]
- Hi.

Hey! Look, Homer's got
one of those robot cars.

[ Crashes ]

One of those American robot cars.

Men, there's a little crippled boy...

sitting in the hospital
who wants you to win this game.

I know because I crippled him myself
to inspire you.

Well, I hope they win,
or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Wow! These are amazing seats, huh, Homer?

Yeah.

Hey, everybody!
Here comes fun!

[ Chuckles ]
Ow!

I'll take two dogs, two sodas...

and, uh, two ice cream bars.

What the hell happened
to my dogs?

I want answers.

Well, I guess
I should pay my share.

[ Chuckling ]
Relax, Homer.

I keep telling you.
You're my guest.

Ooh, you brought me
a nacho hat!

Thanks, Ned.

" Nacho, nacho man "

" I want to be a nacho man "

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Blue 27 on three.

If anyone can pull it off,
it's Stan ''The Boy'' Taylor!

[ Muttering ]

Stan, Stan, he's our boy.

If he can't do it, no one...

will.

Hut!

[ Grunting ]

[ Blowing Whistle ]

We won! We won, Flanders! We won!

- Whoo! [ Kissing ]
- [ Murmuring ]

[ Chuckling ]
Yeah.

Losers! Losers!
Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!

Whoo! Ha-ha!
I am invincible!

Invincible! You're--

Hey, somebody sign an autograph.

Please, somebody.
Sign an autograph?

Hey, would you sign--
You fat, stupid jerks!

- Hmm?
- It was him!

Ned? Is that-- Ned Flanders?

Hidilly-ho, Stanster.

You know Stan Taylor?

Know me?
Ned Flanders saved me.

I used to party all night
and sleep with lingerie models...

until Ned and his Bible group
showed me that I could have more.

Professional athletes--
always wantin' more.

Ned, they gave me the game ball.
I want you to have it.

- [ Gasps ]
- Stan, tell you what.

Homer Simpson here is just about
the biggest Atom fan...

that's ever graced God's green earth.

I bet he'd enjoy it
even more than me.

Sure. Anything for Neddy.
Here you go.

Wow, thanks.

Now I have four children.

You will be called ''Scarface.''

Wow, Flanders. This is about the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

Ooh, I guess it's time
for me to duck again.

No! I want everyone
to know that...

this is Ned Flanders, my friend.!

- What did he say?
- I don't know.

Something about being gay.

Homer, that's our wedding photo.

- Marge, quit living in the past.
- [ Groans ]

Heydilly-ho, window buddy.Just wondering if
you'd like to come give the new pool table a whirl.

I'll be there. And this time
you can be the nacho man.

Dad and Ned Flanders friends?
Heh. What's next?

A's on Bart's report card?

Hey!

Uh, be careful there, Homer.
That is sort of a new table.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Watch this, Ned.

They don't call me
Springfield Fats...

just because
I'm morbidly obese.

[ Gasps ]

Now you got a lawsuit on your hands.
Just kidding.

- What's wrong,Jeremiah?
- It's not fair.

My brotherJoseph
has a sin to confess.

I wish I had one too.

Oh, don't you see?
You do have a sin to confess.

The sin of envy.

[ Bleating ]

That's all well and good for sheep,
but what are we to do?

- Boring! Let's watch something else.
- Aww!

Now, boys. Mr. Simpson is the guest.
He gets to decide what to watch.

- Yeah.
- [ Clicking Remote Control ]

Hey, what gives?
I thought you had a satellite dish.

Sure didelly do.
Over 230 channels locked out.

Okay, boys, time for bed.
Say good night.

Good night, Daddy!
Good night, Uncle Homer!

Oh, Uncle Homer.

Ned, since you've let me
spend time with your family...

I want you
to get to know my family.

- Hey, everyone!
- Hey.

I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders,
my best friend.

Hey, I don't want no people in here
with their ''evils of alcohol'' rap.

Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital
who reads to sick children.

''And truly she was my friend Flicka.''
[ Sniffs ]

- [ Gasps ]
- If this gets out, the next words you say...

will be muffled by your own butt!

[ Tires Screech ]

- Honey, I'm so glad you're home.
- Can't talk. See Flanders.

- Later sex.
- [ Groaning ]

Bless the grocer
for this wonderful meat...

the middleman
who jacked up the price...

and let's not forget the humane but
determined boys over at the slaughterhouse.

Hiya, Flanders. Ooh, dinner.

May I join you?
[ Grunts ]

- [ Gasps ]
- Mmm.

[ Gasps ]

[ Chuckling ] Homer, I-I'd love to chitty-chat,
but tonight's the night I do my charity work.

Uh, yeah. Ajudge made me
do that once too.

Stupid lack of public urinals.

Hey,just so you don't have to suffer alone,
I'm coming with you!

Oh-- Heh, well--

[ Chuckles ]
Th-That sounds super duper.

Oh, you poor, unfortunate man.

Let's get you out of those clothes immediately.

And we'll do whatever we can
about the smell.

But I-- All right.

Oh, come on!
We've been here for 1 5 minutes.

Can't you see they're sucking
the life out of us?

Homer, maybe you'd have
more fun at Moe's tonight.

Ah, for some reason,
Moe's always closed on Wednesdays.

''And then they realized
they were no longer little girls.

They were little women.''
[ Sniffs ]

Come on. Come on!
Just give 'em the slop and let's get out of here.

Oh, I can do it
faster than that!

Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm.

Wow! Look at that enthusiasm!
This is front-page material.

Homie, I'm very proud of you.

But don't you think
you're spending too much time with Ned?

Your family needs you too.

Oh, of course you'd say
something like that, Marge.

You've hated Ned for years.

In fact, you wanted
to bash his head in with a pipe.

- That was you!
- Love, Marge. Don't hate. Love.

The Flanders are
a bunch of geeks, man.

The ''Flandereses''
are not geeks!

Okay. Rod and Todd are.
And the wife has a thing for me.

But she hides it behind a mask
of low-key hostility.

But we've got to
give this thing a chance.

I want the two families
to take a trip together this weekend.

- No way,Jos?.
- Yes way.

Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week
something odd happens to the Simpsons.

My advice is to ride it out,
make an occasional smart-aleck quip...

and by next week, we'll be back
to where we started from...

ready for another
wacky adventure.

- Ay, caramba.!
- That's the spirit.

Don't worry. I brought my
''Rappin'Ronnie Reagan''tape.

It always makes the trip go faster.

"Well, well, well "

"W-W-W-W-W-W-Well, well, well "

[ Chuckling ] You know something?
He did say ''well'' a lot.

" Well, well, well
W-W-Well, w-w-well "

" Well, well, w-w-w-well
Well, well, well, well "

More. Come along. Keep going.

More. More.
Right there. Let her go.

Okay, let's go boating.!

- How are my boys doin', Homer?
- They're fine.

There. I hope the children
enjoy my special fruit punch.

We got the recipe from
the Fruit Punch Advisory Board.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.
Our boys don't eat sugar.

But why would the advisory board
give us bad advice?

- No sugar!
- [ Both Groaning ]

Thank you,
but we're not allowed.

Ah, it's okay.
There's no sugar in pixie sticks.

- Trust me.
- Okay. Hmm.

- Don't hog it all, smelly head!
- Go to hell, zit face!

- Give me that sugar!
- [ Both Groaning ]

[ Cackling ]

I'd like to propose a toast
to the coming together...

of the Simpsons
and the Flanders.

If this were
a more perfect world...

we'd all be known
as the Flimpsons.

So here's to my best friend, Ned.

[ Sighs ]
Well, sir...

my entire family
is very touched and--

- Food fight!
-[ Bart ] Yeah.!

- [ Homer ] "Da-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na "
- Mmm.

- [ All Shouting ]
- No-- No!

[ Grunting ]

- Whatcha doin'?
- We're headin' back.

Todd's got Zesty Italian in his eye.

Okay. But at least let me
take the boat out for one last spin.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Too late!

[ Groans ]
Oh, Lord, please give me the strength...

- to endure Homer Simpson's friendship.
- [ Boat Engine Rewing ]

- [ Homer Shouting ]
- [ Crashes ]

Hmm, your car.

Boy, what are the odds, huh?
[ Chuckling ]

Cheers to Homer Simpson
for all his recent charity work!

- [ Together] Yea!
- [ Grunting ]

Jeers to this rusty tailgate.

" [ Whistling Hymn ]

- There's Homer. There's Homer too.
- [ Screaming ]

That's also Homer.
That's Homer!

Huh?
[ Groans ]

- [ Shouts ]
- What's the matter, Ned?

- I-- I think I hate Homer Simpson.
- [ Gasps ]

[ Yells ]
Marge...

I think I hate Ted Koppel.

No, wait.
I find him informative and witty.

Night.
[ Snoring ]

- Off the rim!
- Oh! Almost. Boy, that was close.

Hey, what's up
for today, Neddy?

Uh-- [ Sighs ]

Ah, Homer, we're gonna visit
the boys' grandmother. Family only, you know?

Right. No reporters.

[ Sighs ]
No. I-- I-- I mean just the Flanders family.

Oh, okay.

Oh, boy! Grandma!

- We're not going anywhere.
- But you said--

Uh, sometimes to keep from
hurting someone's feelings...

we have to say things
that aren't exactly--

- Lies make BabyJesus cry.
- [ Sighs ]

Neddy! Neddy!

Let's get in a quick nine
down at the Pitch 'n' Putt.

[ Engine Rewing,
Tires Screeching ]

[ Engine Rewing,
Tires Screeching ]

Neddy! Neddy!

- [ Groaning ]
- He's gaining on us!

- I'm scared!
- [ Crying ]

Come on, Ned!
Move this thing!

I can't! It's a Geo!

[ Grunting ]

[ Screaming ]

- [ Groaning ]
- [ Groaning ]

[ Groaning ]
Hmm. I guess he didn't see me.

We did it!
We got rid of--

[ Siren Blaring ]

[ Chuckling ]
I told you, Officer.

I'm not hepped up on goofballs.

Yeah, right.

Ned Flanders.
I never would have imagined.

[ Gasping ]

Oh-- Oh-- Ah--

- Oh-- Oof!.
- High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!

Yeah, where's your messiah now,
Flanders? Ah.

[ Bells Tolling ]

Oh, I can't do it, Maude.
I can't face their accusing eyes.

Oh, don't worry, Ned.
This is a house of love and forgiveness.

- [ Man ] There he is, Ned Flanders.
- [ Woman ] The fallen one.

- The evil one.
- I bet he's the one that wrote ''Homer''
all over the bathroom.

Oh, I-I think we should leave.

Hey, Flanders, over here!
I got us some kick-ass seats!

[ Moans ]

[ Clearing Throat ]

Before I get started
on today's sermon, entitled...

''What Ned Did''...

I'd like to publicly congratulate
Homer Simpson on his recent charity work.

- [ Applauding ]
- [ Kissing ]

I live to give.

- [ Moans ]
- That's beautiful. We appreciate the kisses.

Now, let us bow our heads
in a silent prayer of thanksgiving.

[ Nose Whistling ]

[ Whistling Continues ]

Stop it!
Breathe through your damn mouth!

- Oh!
- [ Gasping ]

Oh, can't you see
this man isn't a hero?

He's annoying.
He's very, very annoying!

Well, Ned Flanders is just jealous.

Ah, the guy's hepped up on goofballs.

Let's sacrifice him to our God!

Come on.
We did it all the time in the '30s.

[ Chattering ]

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

- [ Gasps ]
- How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that.

He's a wonderful, kind, caring man.

Maybe even more so than me.

There have been times
when I lost patience with him...

even lashed out at him...

but this man has turned
every cheek on his body.

If everyone here
were like Ned Flanders...

there'd be no need for heaven.

We'd already be there.

[ Group Sighs ]

[ Clears Throat ]
Um--

Well, I think we all
owe Ned a heartfelt apology.

We were wrong to doubt him.

- Hey, that guy's right!
- Yeah.

[ Chattering ]

That was a very nice thing
you did, Homie.

[ Sniffs ]
Th-- Thank you.

Thank you so much, Homer.

You really are a--
[ Sniffs ]

- You're a true friend.
- Right back at ya, buddy.

[ Moans ] Now, how about that game
at the Pitch 'n' Putt?

Just try and stop me.

I don't get it, Lise.
You said everything would be back to normal.

But Homer and Flanders
are still friends.

Yeah. Maybe this means
the end of our wacky adventures.

Guess what, everyone!
My Great-uncle Boris died...

and left us his old country house!

There's only one catch.
They say it's haunted.

But I'm sure we can prove 'em wrong
by spending the weekend there.

- Hididilly-ho, neighbor!
- Get lost, Flanders.

Okilly-dokilly.

[ Both Sigh ]

- [ Wolf Howling ]
- [ Bat Screeching ]

[ Homer ]
See, I told ya. There's nothin'to worry about.

- This place isn't--
- [ Simpsons Scream ]

- [ People Chattering ]
- Shh!