The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy - full transcript
Lisa leads a protest against a talking doll which she believes is sexist.
[ Chorus ]
" The Simpsons "
D'oh!
[ Screams ]
Uh, welcome to the new
Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine...
You know, health care
for the aging is an important priority--
Get to Matlock!
Matlock!
Well, um-- [ Coughs ]
without further ado...
[ Chuckles ] I give you the man who puts
young people behind bars...
Where they belong--
TV's Matlock!
- [ Applauding ]
- [ Grunting ]
"We love you, Matlock "
" Oh yes, we do "
[ Fans Screaming ]
[ Choking ]
What's eatin' you, Abe?
For three weeks, all you been talkin' about
was meeting Matlock.
Now you met him,
swiped his pills--
- ''Take one every hour to prevent
spastic heart convulsions.''
- [ Siren Wailing ]
- Clear! [ Electrodes Buzzing ]
- But you ain't said a word!
Lookin' at that tired old freak
has made me realize...
I'm no spring chicken myself.
I can feel death's
clammy hand on my shoulder.
Wait, that's my hand.
Hello. As you may know,
I might not be around much longer.
So, I've decided to give you
your inheritance before I die.
That way,
I can see you enjoy it.
Lisa, I know you like
reading, and... so forth.
To you, I give you my lifetime
of personal correspondence.
Thanks. ''Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant
letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop.
''If you do not cease, I will be
forced to pursue legal action.
Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff.
Hollywood, California.''
- And to my son, Homer--
- Whoo-hoo!
- and his entire family--
- D'oh!
I leave these--
a box of mint condition...
1 91 8 Liberty Head
silver dollars.
You see, back in those days,
rich men would ride around...
in zeppelins,
dropping coins on people.
And one day, I seen
J.D. Rockefeller flyin' by--
so I run out of the house
with a big washtub, and--
- [ Grunts ] Where are you goin'?
- Dad, we'd love to stay here...
and listen to your
amusing ''antidotes,''
but we have to take these coins to the mall
and spend 'em!
[ Grampa ]
Anyway, about my washtub.
I just used it that morning
to wash my turkey...
which in those days
was known as...
a ''walking bird. ''
We'd always have walking bird
on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings.
Cranberries, ''injun eyes,''
and yams stuffed with gunpowder.
Then we'd all watch football,
which in those days was called ''baseball.''
[ Cooing ]
Look, Maggie!
It's Sergeant Thug's Mountaintop Command Post...
complete with Deathbringer missiles
that really launch.
Mm. That toy isn't safe
for a baby like Maggie.
Aw, come on, Marge.
You're way too--
- D'oh! [ Screaming ]
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
[ Explosion ]
When I was young,
toys were built to last.
Look at this junk! It breaks the first time
you take it out of the box.
[ Groaning ]
And look at these toy soldiers!
They'll break the second I step on 'em.
[ Grunts ]
Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid--
All right.
Come on, pops.
- Soldiers won't bother you anymore.
- Oh!
- "[ Piano Note ]
- Hmm?
Hmm!
- " One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock "
- "[ Piano ]
" Five, six, seven o'clock
Eight o'clock rock "
" Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock
Rock, rock, rock "
" Rock, rock, rock
We're gonna rock, gonna rock "
- [ Howling, Barking ]
- "Around this clock tonight "
- [ Booing,Jeering ]
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- [ Girls Screaming ]
- [ Gasping ]
I'm warning you, Mom.
I may get a little crazy.
I understand, honey. When
I was your age, there was a--
Hey, horse face! Get your ugly pie-hooks
off that Summer Fun Set!
Look! Achy Breaky Stacy
for $1 .99!
[ Gasps ]
Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents.
[ Both ]
Ew!
Hey, mister.
What's in the box?
Um, it's the, uh, new
Talking Malibu Stacy.
- [ Screaming ] Get him!
- Help! Mr. Weiss!
[ Dings ]
Mm, I don't know if it's a good idea
to do that while you're driving.
Marge, that's what
I bought it for.
[ Imitating Engine,
Firing Weapons ]
- Hey! Watch it with that thing!
- [ Missile Firing ]
- My skull is eggshell-thin.
- [ Explosion ]
- Whoa.
- Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa.
- Bah!
Why didn't you get something
useful, like storm windows?
Or a nice pipe organ?
I'm thirsty. Ooh,
what smells like mustard?
There sure are a lot of ugly people
in your neighborhood.
Ooh! Look at that one!
Oh, my glaucoma just got worse.
The president is a demi-crat.!
Hello? I can't unbuckle
my seat belt.
- Hello.!
- [ Horn Beeping ]
There are too many leaves
in your walkway.
- [ Turns On TV]
- [ Whimpers ]
- [ Screams ]
- [ Bangs, Rings ]
Why are you people
avoiding me?
Does my withered face remind you
of the grim specter of death?
Yes, but there's more.
Dad, I love you.
But... you're a weird, sore-headed old crank,
and nobody likes you!
Consarn it!
I guess I am
an old crank.
But what am I
gonna do about it?
- [ Gulping ]
- [ Explosion ]
" [ Rock ]
One sip and I'm totally hip!
[ Announcer ] Buzz Cola.
There's a little boogie in every bottle.
Holy smokes! That's it!
From now on, I'm thinkin',
actin' and lookin' young.
And I'm gonna start with
a bottle of Buzz Cola.
Oh! Ow! Ow!
The bubbles are burning my tongue!
Ow! Ooh. Water!
Water!
A hush falls over
the general assembly...
as Stacy
approaches the podium...
to deliver what will no doubt be
a stirring and memorable address.
I wish they taught
shopping in school!
Ohh.
Let's bake some cookies
for the boys!
Come on, Stacy. I've waited
my whole life to hear you speak.
Don't you have anything
relevant to say?
Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!
[ Giggles ]
- Right on! Say it, sister.
- It's not funny, Bart.
Millions of girls will grow up thinking
that this is the right way to act.
That they can never be anything
more than vacuous ninnies...
whose only goal is to look
pretty, land a rich husband...
and spend all day on the phone
with their equally vacuous friends...
talking about how damn terrific it is
to look pretty and have a rich husband!
-Just what I was gonna say.
- [ Growls, Grunts ]
Look at me!
I'm acting young!
[ Screaming, Grunting ]
Hey. This ain't so bad.
- Let's buy makeup, so the boys will like us!
- [ Chattering ]
[ Groaning ] Don't you people see anything
wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?
Oh, there's something wrong
with what my Stacy says.
[ Male Voice ] My Spidey sense is tingling.
Anybody call for a web-slinger?
No, Celeste.
I mean, the things she says are sexist.
- [ All Giggling ]
- Lisa said a dirty word!
- [ Groans ]
- [ Chomping, Swallowing ]
They cannot keep making
dolls like this.
Something has to be done!
[ Swallowing ] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should
stand up for what you believe in.
But you've been doing that
an awful lot lately.
Yeah. You made us march
in that Gay Rights Parade.
And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own
those chemical weapon plants in Syria.
I can't believe you're just
gonna stand by...
as your daughters grow up
in a world where this-- this is their role model.
I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little,
and I turned out all right.
Now let's forget our troubles
with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
Now let's forget our troubles
with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
- [ Groans ]
- That's it! I'm callin' the company.
[ Recorded Male Voice ]
Hello, you have reached the Malibu Stacy...
Customer Service Center.
If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's
appearance or odor, press one.
If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut
and need to order a replacement head, press two.
- For information on our factory tour, press three.
- Mom!
We could go on the factory tour,
and I could complain in person.
Honey, you're not going to throw red paint
at the executives, are you?
The Keebler people
were very upset.
Welcome to Enchantment Lane,
where all the parts come together...
and Malibu Stacy is born!
Some folks say there's a little touch
of fairy dust in the air.
[ Grumbling ]
Aw, crap. There's a clog
in the torso chute!
Leroy!
Get your ass in gear.
- Shut your hole. [ Grunting ]
- [ Rattling ]
[ Announcer ] Malibu Stacy,
America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher.
In 1 959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle
had a design and a dream.
The design? Malibu Stacy.
The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll
that was also edible.
Kids didn't much like the taste
of dried onion meal, but they loved the doll.
A second, plastic Malibu Stacy
took America by storm.
Just ask the owner of the world's largest
Malibu Stacy collection.:
Waylon Smithers
of Springfield.
Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors.
I'll see you...
at StacyCon '94, at
the San Diego Airport Hilton.
[ Announcer ] And what does Stacy think
ofher 35 years of success...
and millions of friends
worldwide?
Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!
[ Giggles ]
[ Announcer, Chuckling ]
She sure is.
Well, that's the tour.
- If you have any questions,
I'd be happy to answer--
- I have one.
- Yes?
- Is the remarkably sexist drivel
spouted by Malibu Stacy...
intentional, or is it
just a horrible mistake?
[ Chuckles ] Believe me, we're very
mindful of such concerns.
- "[ Wolf Whistle ]
- Hey,Jiggles! Grab a pad
and back that gorgeous butt in here.
- Oh, you. Get away! [ Chuckles ]
- Ah, don't act like you don't like it.
[ Stops Chuckling ]
[ Lisa Moans ]
It's awful bein' a kid.
No one listens to ya.
It's rotten bein' old.
No one listens to ya!
I'm a white male,
aged 1 8 to 49.
Everyone listens to me,
no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
- [ Chewing Noisily ]
- But I'm not gonna accomplish
anything just sitting here--
- and gripin', it's time for--
- action!
I've got to talk to that woman who
invented Malibu Stacy...
- and see if I can get her to--
- come out of retirement!
I'm gonna get me a job!
A real Malibu...
and see if Stacy... can help...
invent... me...
young-- Help!
- You're getting a job!
- Yes! I'm going where the action is!
- [ Radio Static ]
- Come in? Come in!
Mayday! I'm losing
your transmission!
- I said, ''French fries!''
- [ Horns Honking ]
- What the--
- [ Horns Honking ]
Do we sell
French... fries?
Yes? I-- [ Chuckles ]
Why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter.
I thought you might be able to help me get
in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy.
Whew! [ Chuckles ]
That would be quite a feat.
Stacy Lavelle is
a total recluse.
She hasn't appeared
in public in 20 years.
Here, I'm writing an article on her
for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter.
It contains her last
known whereabouts.
- I'll, uh, print you out a copy.
- Thanks.
Hello, Smithers.
You're quite good...
at turning... me on.
Um, you probably
should ignore that.
[ Panting ]
- [ Tires Skidding ]
- No, it couldn't be!
- [ Buzzing ]
- Excuse me. Miss Lavelle?
I'd like to talk to you
about Malibu Stacy?
Do you have any idea how many kids
have tried to track me down?
- Am I the first?
- Yes.
I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy
is telling a generation of little girls.
Thinking too much
gives you wrinkles.
All right! I've been waitin' nine years
to get my Frisbee back.
[ Moaning ]
My name is Stacy. But you can call me--
" [ Wolf Whistle ]
I see exactly what you mean.
This is a problem.
- But what do you expect me to do?
- Change what she says.
- It's your company.
- [ Scoffs ] Not since I was forced out in 1 97 4.
They said my way of thinking
just wasn't cost-effective.
- That's awful!
- Well, that, and...
I was funneling profits
to the Vietcong.
But you are Malibu Stacy. As long as
she has your name, you have the responsibility!
I'd be mortified if someone ever made
a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.
I may have had things in common
with Stacy in the beginning...
but 30 years of living her lifestyle taught me
some very harsh lessons.
Five husbands:
Ken,Johnny,Joe...
Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin.
But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's
mistakes, so can everyone.
I'm sure we can
think of something together.
- Come on!
- Not now. I'm... too drunk.
No, you're not!
[ Slurping, Swallowing ]
Uh, I'll come back tomorrow.
We need some more secret sauce!
Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
Hey! Now that Old Man Peterson's off
our backs, let's have some fun!
[ Muffled ] Ever see a sandwich that
could take a bite outta you?
[ Laughing ]
Look at the sandwich!
It's gonna bite you!
- [ Biting Sound ]
- [ Man ] Ow.!
- Damn sandwich took a bite out of me.!
- Oh.
I've got the solution.
You and I are gonna make
our own talking doll.
She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein
and the wit of Cathy Guisewite.
The tenacity of Nina Totenberg and
the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
And to top it off, the down-to-earth
good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.
- [ Exhales ]
- All right.
We'll make your doll!
- [ Pounding On Door ]
- [ Gasps ]
Stacy, please.
I must have you back.
Just come for a ride with me
in my mobile command unit.
Joe, I told you.
It's over.
- Release me from your kung fu grip.
- Fine.
I'll bomb your house
into the ground, missy!
Make sure you get
my mom's hair just right!
Um, I think we'll use someone different
for the hair.
- How about me?
- There's something not quite--
- How 'bout me?
- [ Stammering ]
- How 'bout me?
- You all have hideous hair!
- [ Simpsons Gasping ]
- I mean, from a design point of view.
- Oh, well, if you put it that way.
- Oh, well.
Talking doll, take eight.
''When I get married,
I'm keeping my own name.''
Uh, you know, that should probably be,
''if I choose to get married.''
Look, little girl.
We got other talking dollies to record today.
All right, you poindexters.
Let's get this right.
One: ''Hey, hey, kids,
I'm Talkin' Krusty.''
Two: ''Hey, hey! Here
comes Slide Show Mel.''
Again. ''Here comes
Sideshow Mel. Sideshow Mel.''
Three.
[ Laughing ]
Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done.
Learn from a professional, kid.
[ Car Door Closing,
Tires Screeching ]
Okay, Krusty.
We are ready to roll any-- What the--
[ Lisa's Voice ]
Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.
All right!
Now all we need is a name.
How 'bout ''Blabbermouth,
theJerky Doll forJerks''?
How 'bout Minerva, after
the Roman goddess of wisdom?
Mm, not enough
commercial appeal.
''Wendy Windbag''?
''Ugly Doris''?
- ''Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll''?
- I think we should name her after Lisa.
We'll call her
''Lisa Lionheart.''
No, ''Loudmouth Lisa!''
''Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!''
I can't stand this any longer.
Somebody please pay attention to me!
Hello! Pay attention to me.
Look at me!
I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. [ Blathering ]
This is great.! They're
really gonna sell our doll.!
It wasn't difficult. I just told them
who I was and who you were.
- They couldn't resist.
- Really?
Well, I didn't tell them
who you were.
Gentlemen, we've got to sink
this Lisa Lionheart doll and fast.
It's time to call in
a favor from Washington.
Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll
take care of it personally.
[ Chuckling ]
- [ Lisa ] Dad, did you hear something?
- I don't know.
- Dad?
- Mm-hmm?
My new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy.
Do a newscast about her.
[ Laughing ] Oh, please, honey. Daddy's job
is to bring people important news.
I'm very busy preparing a report
about the 40th anniversary of Beetle Bailey.
Oh, Daddy, that is boring.
- Talk about the dolly!
- Well, you were right about the Berlin Wall.
Though it was unusual to spend
28 minutes reporting on a doll...
this reporter found it
impossible to stop talking.
It's just really
fascinating news, folks.
- Good night.
- "[ News Theme ]
Oh, and the president was arrested for murder.
More on that tomorrow night.
Or you can turn
to another channel.
Oh. Do not turn
to another channel.
Our one effort to put a stop to this
Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably.
Gentlemen, we have to reinvent
Malibu Stacy for the '90s.
We'll stay here all night,
if need be.
- Can we order Chinese food?
- Yes.
- [ Chattering ]
- You know a good place?
I cut my tongue
on these pancakes.
These eggs are
difficult to digest.
I want soft-boiled eggs.
I told you-- we don't
have soft-boiled eggs!
If you a-- By gum, you're right.
We should have them.
I shouldn't be listenin' to complaints.
I should be makin' 'em with you guys.
The Good Lord lets us
grow old for a reason.
To gain the wisdom to find fault
with everything he's made!
Mr. Peterson, you can take this job
and... fill it.
And one more thing.
I never once washed my hands.
That's your policy,
not mine.
- [ Angry Chattering ]
- You whippersnapper!
[ Woman ]
You show him, Abe.! Quit.!
- [ Cheering ]
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Groaning ]
- [ Grampa ] Oh, my back.
- [ Children Screaming ]
- [ Smithers ] I want it. I want it. I want it.
Me, me, me!
- I want it. I want it. I want it!
- [ Screaming ]
- Look! It's Lisa Lionheart!
- Keep running. We're almost there.
- [ Girls Gasping ]
- They changed Malibu Stacy!
- She is better than ever.
- Wait! Don't be fooled.
She's just a regular Malibu Stacy
with a stupid, cheap hat.
She still embodies all the awful stereotypes
she did before.
But she's got a new hat.
- [ Clamoring ]
- [ Smithers ] I want it. I want it. I want it.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I guess you can't beat big business.
There's just no room
for the little guy.
[ Lisa Lionheart ]
Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.
You know, if we get through
to just that one little girl...
- it'll all be worth it.
- Yes.
Particularly if that little girl happens
to pay $46,000 for that doll.
- What?
- Oh, nothing. Kudos to you, Lisa.
Kudos.
[ Gasps ]
Marge? Lisa? Lady?
If you'll excuse me,
I've got something very important to attend to.
Whoo!
[ Laughing ]
- " [ The Simpsons Theme ]
- [ Shouting ]
[ Feedback Squealing ]
- [ People Chattering ]
- Shh!
" The Simpsons "
D'oh!
[ Screams ]
Uh, welcome to the new
Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine...
You know, health care
for the aging is an important priority--
Get to Matlock!
Matlock!
Well, um-- [ Coughs ]
without further ado...
[ Chuckles ] I give you the man who puts
young people behind bars...
Where they belong--
TV's Matlock!
- [ Applauding ]
- [ Grunting ]
"We love you, Matlock "
" Oh yes, we do "
[ Fans Screaming ]
[ Choking ]
What's eatin' you, Abe?
For three weeks, all you been talkin' about
was meeting Matlock.
Now you met him,
swiped his pills--
- ''Take one every hour to prevent
spastic heart convulsions.''
- [ Siren Wailing ]
- Clear! [ Electrodes Buzzing ]
- But you ain't said a word!
Lookin' at that tired old freak
has made me realize...
I'm no spring chicken myself.
I can feel death's
clammy hand on my shoulder.
Wait, that's my hand.
Hello. As you may know,
I might not be around much longer.
So, I've decided to give you
your inheritance before I die.
That way,
I can see you enjoy it.
Lisa, I know you like
reading, and... so forth.
To you, I give you my lifetime
of personal correspondence.
Thanks. ''Mr. Simpson. Stop. Your constant
letters are becoming a nuisance. Stop.
''If you do not cease, I will be
forced to pursue legal action.
Stop. Signed, Boris Karloff.
Hollywood, California.''
- And to my son, Homer--
- Whoo-hoo!
- and his entire family--
- D'oh!
I leave these--
a box of mint condition...
1 91 8 Liberty Head
silver dollars.
You see, back in those days,
rich men would ride around...
in zeppelins,
dropping coins on people.
And one day, I seen
J.D. Rockefeller flyin' by--
so I run out of the house
with a big washtub, and--
- [ Grunts ] Where are you goin'?
- Dad, we'd love to stay here...
and listen to your
amusing ''antidotes,''
but we have to take these coins to the mall
and spend 'em!
[ Grampa ]
Anyway, about my washtub.
I just used it that morning
to wash my turkey...
which in those days
was known as...
a ''walking bird. ''
We'd always have walking bird
on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings.
Cranberries, ''injun eyes,''
and yams stuffed with gunpowder.
Then we'd all watch football,
which in those days was called ''baseball.''
[ Cooing ]
Look, Maggie!
It's Sergeant Thug's Mountaintop Command Post...
complete with Deathbringer missiles
that really launch.
Mm. That toy isn't safe
for a baby like Maggie.
Aw, come on, Marge.
You're way too--
- D'oh! [ Screaming ]
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
[ Explosion ]
When I was young,
toys were built to last.
Look at this junk! It breaks the first time
you take it out of the box.
[ Groaning ]
And look at these toy soldiers!
They'll break the second I step on 'em.
[ Grunts ]
Stupid... toy... soldiers! Break, you stupid--
All right.
Come on, pops.
- Soldiers won't bother you anymore.
- Oh!
- "[ Piano Note ]
- Hmm?
Hmm!
- " One, two, three o'clock four o'clock rock "
- "[ Piano ]
" Five, six, seven o'clock
Eight o'clock rock "
" Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock
Rock, rock, rock "
" Rock, rock, rock
We're gonna rock, gonna rock "
- [ Howling, Barking ]
- "Around this clock tonight "
- [ Booing,Jeering ]
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- [ Girls Screaming ]
- [ Gasping ]
I'm warning you, Mom.
I may get a little crazy.
I understand, honey. When
I was your age, there was a--
Hey, horse face! Get your ugly pie-hooks
off that Summer Fun Set!
Look! Achy Breaky Stacy
for $1 .99!
[ Gasps ]
Live from the Improv Stacy's only 89 cents.
[ Both ]
Ew!
Hey, mister.
What's in the box?
Um, it's the, uh, new
Talking Malibu Stacy.
- [ Screaming ] Get him!
- Help! Mr. Weiss!
[ Dings ]
Mm, I don't know if it's a good idea
to do that while you're driving.
Marge, that's what
I bought it for.
[ Imitating Engine,
Firing Weapons ]
- Hey! Watch it with that thing!
- [ Missile Firing ]
- My skull is eggshell-thin.
- [ Explosion ]
- Whoa.
- Thanks for buyin' us these toys, Grampa.
- Bah!
Why didn't you get something
useful, like storm windows?
Or a nice pipe organ?
I'm thirsty. Ooh,
what smells like mustard?
There sure are a lot of ugly people
in your neighborhood.
Ooh! Look at that one!
Oh, my glaucoma just got worse.
The president is a demi-crat.!
Hello? I can't unbuckle
my seat belt.
- Hello.!
- [ Horn Beeping ]
There are too many leaves
in your walkway.
- [ Turns On TV]
- [ Whimpers ]
- [ Screams ]
- [ Bangs, Rings ]
Why are you people
avoiding me?
Does my withered face remind you
of the grim specter of death?
Yes, but there's more.
Dad, I love you.
But... you're a weird, sore-headed old crank,
and nobody likes you!
Consarn it!
I guess I am
an old crank.
But what am I
gonna do about it?
- [ Gulping ]
- [ Explosion ]
" [ Rock ]
One sip and I'm totally hip!
[ Announcer ] Buzz Cola.
There's a little boogie in every bottle.
Holy smokes! That's it!
From now on, I'm thinkin',
actin' and lookin' young.
And I'm gonna start with
a bottle of Buzz Cola.
Oh! Ow! Ow!
The bubbles are burning my tongue!
Ow! Ooh. Water!
Water!
A hush falls over
the general assembly...
as Stacy
approaches the podium...
to deliver what will no doubt be
a stirring and memorable address.
I wish they taught
shopping in school!
Ohh.
Let's bake some cookies
for the boys!
Come on, Stacy. I've waited
my whole life to hear you speak.
Don't you have anything
relevant to say?
Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!
[ Giggles ]
- Right on! Say it, sister.
- It's not funny, Bart.
Millions of girls will grow up thinking
that this is the right way to act.
That they can never be anything
more than vacuous ninnies...
whose only goal is to look
pretty, land a rich husband...
and spend all day on the phone
with their equally vacuous friends...
talking about how damn terrific it is
to look pretty and have a rich husband!
-Just what I was gonna say.
- [ Growls, Grunts ]
Look at me!
I'm acting young!
[ Screaming, Grunting ]
Hey. This ain't so bad.
- Let's buy makeup, so the boys will like us!
- [ Chattering ]
[ Groaning ] Don't you people see anything
wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?
Oh, there's something wrong
with what my Stacy says.
[ Male Voice ] My Spidey sense is tingling.
Anybody call for a web-slinger?
No, Celeste.
I mean, the things she says are sexist.
- [ All Giggling ]
- Lisa said a dirty word!
- [ Groans ]
- [ Chomping, Swallowing ]
They cannot keep making
dolls like this.
Something has to be done!
[ Swallowing ] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should
stand up for what you believe in.
But you've been doing that
an awful lot lately.
Yeah. You made us march
in that Gay Rights Parade.
And we can't watch Fox, 'cause they own
those chemical weapon plants in Syria.
I can't believe you're just
gonna stand by...
as your daughters grow up
in a world where this-- this is their role model.
I had a Malibu Stacy when I was little,
and I turned out all right.
Now let's forget our troubles
with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
Now let's forget our troubles
with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
- [ Groans ]
- That's it! I'm callin' the company.
[ Recorded Male Voice ]
Hello, you have reached the Malibu Stacy...
Customer Service Center.
If you have a complaint about Malibu Stacy's
appearance or odor, press one.
If you've given Malibu Stacy a haircut
and need to order a replacement head, press two.
- For information on our factory tour, press three.
- Mom!
We could go on the factory tour,
and I could complain in person.
Honey, you're not going to throw red paint
at the executives, are you?
The Keebler people
were very upset.
Welcome to Enchantment Lane,
where all the parts come together...
and Malibu Stacy is born!
Some folks say there's a little touch
of fairy dust in the air.
[ Grumbling ]
Aw, crap. There's a clog
in the torso chute!
Leroy!
Get your ass in gear.
- Shut your hole. [ Grunting ]
- [ Rattling ]
[ Announcer ] Malibu Stacy,
America's favorite eight-and-a-half-incher.
In 1 959, homemaker Stacy Lavelle
had a design and a dream.
The design? Malibu Stacy.
The dream? To mass-market a fashion doll
that was also edible.
Kids didn't much like the taste
of dried onion meal, but they loved the doll.
A second, plastic Malibu Stacy
took America by storm.
Just ask the owner of the world's largest
Malibu Stacy collection.:
Waylon Smithers
of Springfield.
Hello, Malibu Stacy collectors.
I'll see you...
at StacyCon '94, at
the San Diego Airport Hilton.
[ Announcer ] And what does Stacy think
ofher 35 years of success...
and millions of friends
worldwide?
Don't ask me. I'm just a girl!
[ Giggles ]
[ Announcer, Chuckling ]
She sure is.
Well, that's the tour.
- If you have any questions,
I'd be happy to answer--
- I have one.
- Yes?
- Is the remarkably sexist drivel
spouted by Malibu Stacy...
intentional, or is it
just a horrible mistake?
[ Chuckles ] Believe me, we're very
mindful of such concerns.
- "[ Wolf Whistle ]
- Hey,Jiggles! Grab a pad
and back that gorgeous butt in here.
- Oh, you. Get away! [ Chuckles ]
- Ah, don't act like you don't like it.
[ Stops Chuckling ]
[ Lisa Moans ]
It's awful bein' a kid.
No one listens to ya.
It's rotten bein' old.
No one listens to ya!
I'm a white male,
aged 1 8 to 49.
Everyone listens to me,
no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
- [ Chewing Noisily ]
- But I'm not gonna accomplish
anything just sitting here--
- and gripin', it's time for--
- action!
I've got to talk to that woman who
invented Malibu Stacy...
- and see if I can get her to--
- come out of retirement!
I'm gonna get me a job!
A real Malibu...
and see if Stacy... can help...
invent... me...
young-- Help!
- You're getting a job!
- Yes! I'm going where the action is!
- [ Radio Static ]
- Come in? Come in!
Mayday! I'm losing
your transmission!
- I said, ''French fries!''
- [ Horns Honking ]
- What the--
- [ Horns Honking ]
Do we sell
French... fries?
Yes? I-- [ Chuckles ]
Why, it's Homer Simpson's daughter.
I thought you might be able to help me get
in touch with the inventor of Malibu Stacy.
Whew! [ Chuckles ]
That would be quite a feat.
Stacy Lavelle is
a total recluse.
She hasn't appeared
in public in 20 years.
Here, I'm writing an article on her
for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter.
It contains her last
known whereabouts.
- I'll, uh, print you out a copy.
- Thanks.
Hello, Smithers.
You're quite good...
at turning... me on.
Um, you probably
should ignore that.
[ Panting ]
- [ Tires Skidding ]
- No, it couldn't be!
- [ Buzzing ]
- Excuse me. Miss Lavelle?
I'd like to talk to you
about Malibu Stacy?
Do you have any idea how many kids
have tried to track me down?
- Am I the first?
- Yes.
I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy
is telling a generation of little girls.
Thinking too much
gives you wrinkles.
All right! I've been waitin' nine years
to get my Frisbee back.
[ Moaning ]
My name is Stacy. But you can call me--
" [ Wolf Whistle ]
I see exactly what you mean.
This is a problem.
- But what do you expect me to do?
- Change what she says.
- It's your company.
- [ Scoffs ] Not since I was forced out in 1 97 4.
They said my way of thinking
just wasn't cost-effective.
- That's awful!
- Well, that, and...
I was funneling profits
to the Vietcong.
But you are Malibu Stacy. As long as
she has your name, you have the responsibility!
I'd be mortified if someone ever made
a lousy product with the Simpson name on it.
I may have had things in common
with Stacy in the beginning...
but 30 years of living her lifestyle taught me
some very harsh lessons.
Five husbands:
Ken,Johnny,Joe...
Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin.
But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's
mistakes, so can everyone.
I'm sure we can
think of something together.
- Come on!
- Not now. I'm... too drunk.
No, you're not!
[ Slurping, Swallowing ]
Uh, I'll come back tomorrow.
We need some more secret sauce!
Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
Hey! Now that Old Man Peterson's off
our backs, let's have some fun!
[ Muffled ] Ever see a sandwich that
could take a bite outta you?
[ Laughing ]
Look at the sandwich!
It's gonna bite you!
- [ Biting Sound ]
- [ Man ] Ow.!
- Damn sandwich took a bite out of me.!
- Oh.
I've got the solution.
You and I are gonna make
our own talking doll.
She'll have the wisdom of Gertrude Stein
and the wit of Cathy Guisewite.
The tenacity of Nina Totenberg and
the common sense of Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
And to top it off, the down-to-earth
good looks of Eleanor Roosevelt.
- [ Exhales ]
- All right.
We'll make your doll!
- [ Pounding On Door ]
- [ Gasps ]
Stacy, please.
I must have you back.
Just come for a ride with me
in my mobile command unit.
Joe, I told you.
It's over.
- Release me from your kung fu grip.
- Fine.
I'll bomb your house
into the ground, missy!
Make sure you get
my mom's hair just right!
Um, I think we'll use someone different
for the hair.
- How about me?
- There's something not quite--
- How 'bout me?
- [ Stammering ]
- How 'bout me?
- You all have hideous hair!
- [ Simpsons Gasping ]
- I mean, from a design point of view.
- Oh, well, if you put it that way.
- Oh, well.
Talking doll, take eight.
''When I get married,
I'm keeping my own name.''
Uh, you know, that should probably be,
''if I choose to get married.''
Look, little girl.
We got other talking dollies to record today.
All right, you poindexters.
Let's get this right.
One: ''Hey, hey, kids,
I'm Talkin' Krusty.''
Two: ''Hey, hey! Here
comes Slide Show Mel.''
Again. ''Here comes
Sideshow Mel. Sideshow Mel.''
Three.
[ Laughing ]
Bada-bing, bada-boom. I'm done.
Learn from a professional, kid.
[ Car Door Closing,
Tires Screeching ]
Okay, Krusty.
We are ready to roll any-- What the--
[ Lisa's Voice ]
Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.
All right!
Now all we need is a name.
How 'bout ''Blabbermouth,
theJerky Doll forJerks''?
How 'bout Minerva, after
the Roman goddess of wisdom?
Mm, not enough
commercial appeal.
''Wendy Windbag''?
''Ugly Doris''?
- ''Hortense, the Mule-Faced Doll''?
- I think we should name her after Lisa.
We'll call her
''Lisa Lionheart.''
No, ''Loudmouth Lisa!''
''Stupid Lisa Garbage Face!''
I can't stand this any longer.
Somebody please pay attention to me!
Hello! Pay attention to me.
Look at me!
I'm Bart, I'm Bart. Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. [ Blathering ]
This is great.! They're
really gonna sell our doll.!
It wasn't difficult. I just told them
who I was and who you were.
- They couldn't resist.
- Really?
Well, I didn't tell them
who you were.
Gentlemen, we've got to sink
this Lisa Lionheart doll and fast.
It's time to call in
a favor from Washington.
Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll
take care of it personally.
[ Chuckling ]
- [ Lisa ] Dad, did you hear something?
- I don't know.
- Dad?
- Mm-hmm?
My new doll's much better than Malibu Stacy.
Do a newscast about her.
[ Laughing ] Oh, please, honey. Daddy's job
is to bring people important news.
I'm very busy preparing a report
about the 40th anniversary of Beetle Bailey.
Oh, Daddy, that is boring.
- Talk about the dolly!
- Well, you were right about the Berlin Wall.
Though it was unusual to spend
28 minutes reporting on a doll...
this reporter found it
impossible to stop talking.
It's just really
fascinating news, folks.
- Good night.
- "[ News Theme ]
Oh, and the president was arrested for murder.
More on that tomorrow night.
Or you can turn
to another channel.
Oh. Do not turn
to another channel.
Our one effort to put a stop to this
Lisa Lionheart thing has failed miserably.
Gentlemen, we have to reinvent
Malibu Stacy for the '90s.
We'll stay here all night,
if need be.
- Can we order Chinese food?
- Yes.
- [ Chattering ]
- You know a good place?
I cut my tongue
on these pancakes.
These eggs are
difficult to digest.
I want soft-boiled eggs.
I told you-- we don't
have soft-boiled eggs!
If you a-- By gum, you're right.
We should have them.
I shouldn't be listenin' to complaints.
I should be makin' 'em with you guys.
The Good Lord lets us
grow old for a reason.
To gain the wisdom to find fault
with everything he's made!
Mr. Peterson, you can take this job
and... fill it.
And one more thing.
I never once washed my hands.
That's your policy,
not mine.
- [ Angry Chattering ]
- You whippersnapper!
[ Woman ]
You show him, Abe.! Quit.!
- [ Cheering ]
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Groaning ]
- [ Grampa ] Oh, my back.
- [ Children Screaming ]
- [ Smithers ] I want it. I want it. I want it.
Me, me, me!
- I want it. I want it. I want it!
- [ Screaming ]
- Look! It's Lisa Lionheart!
- Keep running. We're almost there.
- [ Girls Gasping ]
- They changed Malibu Stacy!
- She is better than ever.
- Wait! Don't be fooled.
She's just a regular Malibu Stacy
with a stupid, cheap hat.
She still embodies all the awful stereotypes
she did before.
But she's got a new hat.
- [ Clamoring ]
- [ Smithers ] I want it. I want it. I want it.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I guess you can't beat big business.
There's just no room
for the little guy.
[ Lisa Lionheart ]
Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything.
You know, if we get through
to just that one little girl...
- it'll all be worth it.
- Yes.
Particularly if that little girl happens
to pay $46,000 for that doll.
- What?
- Oh, nothing. Kudos to you, Lisa.
Kudos.
[ Gasps ]
Marge? Lisa? Lady?
If you'll excuse me,
I've got something very important to attend to.
Whoo!
[ Laughing ]
- " [ The Simpsons Theme ]
- [ Shouting ]
[ Feedback Squealing ]
- [ People Chattering ]
- Shh!