The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - Brother from the Same Planet - full transcript
After Homer forgets to pick up Bart from soccer practice, Bart joins a mentor program called Big Brothers presenting himself as an orphan, and is assigned a big brother called Tom. When ...
Eye of the tiger, Bart.
Eye of the--
I stopped it.
- And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha.
Boys, it wasn't easy
choosing only one of you...
for the free week at
Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp.
Let's all congratulate...
Nelson!
- Thanks, Dad!
Told ya.
- Come on, Bart.
We're gonna go sneak
into an R-rated movie.
It's called Barton Fink.
I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him.
Barton Fink! Barton Fink!
- Barton Fink!
Homer, we're going to my sisters'.
Remember, pick up Bart.
- I'm on my way.
- What'd you say, Marge?
That could be Dad.
Station wagon. Luggage rack.
Wha--
Dad, where are you?
Tonight on Wings--
Ah, who cares?
This isn't funny!
Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson.
Pick up Bart.
Pick up Bart!
'Trab Pu Kcip.' 'Trab Pu Kcip!'
What have we told you
about writing on the walls?
Go to your room!
After 16gloriousseasons...
the Green Bay faithful bid farewell
to Bryan Bartlett Starr.
Hmm. I keep thinking
I'm forgetting something.
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
Bart. Bart.
Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.
Bart.
- Bart.
I can't think with all this noise.
What am I supposed to do?
Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart.
'Pigabar'?
What the hell is 'pigabar'?
Bart? Bart!
Why? How?
When? Which?
Bart!
Dad, hide your shame!
Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle.
- Shutup, Flanders.
Hey, boy,
how was soccer practice?
Hey, Bart. Son?
Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry.
Ooh.
I know you're mad at me right now, and...
I'm kind of mad too.
I mean, we could sit here
and try to figure out...
who forgot to pick up who
till the cows come home.
But let's just say we're both wrong,
and that'll be that.
Now, how 'bout a hug?
Hello, New York.
-
When Lorne asked me to host this show...
I said, 'Lorne, why me?'
I mean, I did just star in my first movie
with Marvin Hagler...
and Tova Borgnine--
Yeah!
Anyway, we got a great show for you.
Well, actually the last half hour's
a real garbage dump.
We'll be right back.
I miss Joe Piscopo.
Lost your dad?
- Uh-huh.
He's not coming back, is he?
- He might.
No, he's not.
But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.
Hello, Bigger Brothers?
My name is Bart Simpson...
and I don't have a father.
And now it's time for another episode of--
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, I got wax in my ears.
Better clean 'em.
Hah? Hah?
-
This goes on for 1 2 more minutes.
So the last time you saw
your father was six years ago?
Yeah. He left me out
on the curb for the ashman.
What a revoltin' development.
You brave little soldier.
I've been saving someone special
for a case like yours.
Bart Simpson?
- Yo.
I'm Tom. Let's ride.
Ohh.
Bart's dad has really
pulled himself together.
Bart's not mad at me.
- He called you a bad father.
Marge, when kids these days
say 'bad,' they mean 'good.'
And to shake your booty
means to wiggle one's butt.
Permit me to demonstrate.
- No!
I just think you should
talk to Bart about-- Good Lord!
Homer, do you have
an explanation for this bill?
Oh, it's that record club.
The first nine were only a penny.
Then they jacked up the price!
It's not fair.
It's not fair, I tells ya.
No, no. Someone made
$300 worth of phone calls...
to something called the 'Corey Hotline.'
Wasn't me.
-
Lisa!
Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa?
I did.
Dad, can I--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah, honey, I know what
you're going through.
When I was a girl,
I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.
The point is I want you
to stop making these calls.
All right, Mom. I promise you will
never be billed for another call.
Bobby Sherman.
Charge!
Your dad ever take you to baseball games?
- Nah. His game was blackjack.
He bet our life savings on a single hand.
Nineteen.
- Hit me.
Twenty.
- Hit me.
Twenty-one.
- Hit me.
Twenty-two.
- D'oh!
If I ever meet your dad--
The start of the game will be delayed...
so we can introduce the recruiter
for the Springfield Communist Party.
- Boo!
This is better than dart day.
Now, you just let those ear drops
sit for about 20 minutes.
If you get bored,
here's a MASH coloring book.
Here's a good one--...
'Hawkeye's antics irritate
the other surgeons.'
Hi, you've reached
the Corey Hotline-- 4.95 a minute.
Here are some words
that rhyme with Corey:
Glory, story--
- allegory, Montessori.
Okay, Bart, tomorrow
we'll blast your quads.
This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.
That's not meatball soup.
That's my collection
of fur balls in stomach acid.
You idiot!
You're trying to kill me, man!
Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot
like my hero, Tom.
He lent me this new weapon
called a neural disrupter.
Hey--
He's not dead,
is he, Bart?
Nah, but I wouldn't give him
any homework for a while.
Very good, Bart.
Thank you.
Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented
eight-year military buildup.
Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Uh, I have a horsie.
Wuss!
Lisa, I'm glad you came.
I know you young'uns think
we old-timers aren't any fun...
but we'll show 'em.
We'll show 'em all!
Hi, this is Corey. I hope you
and I can get married someday.
Hey, boy,
where're you going?
Father-son picnic.
- Have a good time.
- Hey-- Wait a minute.
Lisa, I know I can trust you...
to inventory this glee club peanut brittle.
- Yes, Principal Skinner.
Now, I gotta slash 40%% out of the budget.
So long...
science.
Ah, music and art.
-
What in blazes?
-
- Good Lord! That's a 900 number.
Let's see what's in the newspaper today.
- Hmm.
Canada stalls on trade pact.
Hey, look at that forest fire down there.
Yeah, great.
- What's the matter?
Well, I've been thinking,
you've been really great to me...
but there's probably some other kid
who needs you even more.
Bart, I could kiss you...
if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me
sign a form promising I wouldn't.
No one needs me more than a child
with your tragic upbringing.
Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand.
So, that's it!
Hello, son.
Where have you been?
- Playing with Milhouse.
No, you haven't!
You've been out gallivanting around...
with that floozy
of a bigger brother of yours!
Haven't you?
Haven't you?
Look at me!
- Dad, it just kind of happened.
You're taking this too hard.
How would you like me to take it?
'Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun.
I'll be waiting for you'?
I'm sorry.
I can't do it!
- Well, what are you gonna do?
Oh-ho. You'll see.
And what are your reasons
for wanting a little brother?
Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Uh, revenge?
That's it. I'm gettin' out of here.
Welcome aboard,
Mr. Simpson.
Any of these boys would be thrilled
to have a bigger brother like you.
Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face.
Suey! Suey!
Eh, maybe this was a mistake.
Do you have a bigger brother for me yet?
Okay. I'll be back in an hour.
I'll take him.
Do you have him in blond?
Lisa, the only way you'll lick this
is one day at a time.
If you can make it to midnight
without calling the Corey line...
you'll know you've beaten it forever.
Midnight?
- Listen to your mother, Lisa.
I owe everything I have
to my mother's watchful eye...
and swift hand.
Oh, there's Mother now--
- watching me.
What's that, Mother?
They have a right to be here.
It's school business.
I-- Mother, that sailor suit
doesn't fit anymore!
I think we should go.
- Uh-huh.
just like Oscar the Grouch.
Pepi!
- Papa Homer!
Son, your life is gonna get better...
starting now.
- Ow.
Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Oh, he is.
Son, I just want you to know
I love you very much.
Shut up!
Mmm. Grapefruit.
I just press this button...
and the door opens like magic.
Why does it stop there?
- Because it's a stupid piece of junk!
Well, I'd better Get you home.
What's the matter?
- I've spent every night of my life in the city.
I have never seen the stars.
Tell me more.
I want to know all the constellations.
Well, there's...
jerry the cowboy.
And that big dipper looking thing...
is Alan... the cowboy.
Oh, Papa Homer,
you are so learned.
'Learnd,' son. It's pronounced 'learnd.'
I love you, Papa Homer.
I love you too, Pepsi.
Pepi.
- Pepi.
Gotta make it till midnight.
Gotta make it till midnight.
Must you be forever dialing that phone?
Excuse me.
Oh, come on. Hurry!
Lisa?
Oh, Lisa.
You tried your best.
At the tone, the time will be...
12:00 midnight.
I made it.
Hey, Homer,
have you seen my skateboard?
I gave it to Pepi.
- Who the hell is Pepi?
He's my little brother.
That's right. You're not the only one
who can abuse a nonprofit organization.
Who needs you?
Tom's a better father than you ever were.
Come on, Bart.
We had our fun.
Remember when I used to
push you on the swing?
I was fakin' it.
Liar!
- Oh, yeah?
Remember this?
'Higher, Dad. Higher.
'Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad.'
- Hey, stop that.
'Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!'
- Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
You know, the whale is not really a fish.
They're mammals, like you and me.
Is that true?
- No.
Whoo! Come and get it.
-
Whoo!
Come and get it.
Whoo!
Stupid dolphin.
- You g-- Hey! Hey!
- He got my hot dog!
- Uh-oh. Better not let him see me.
What the--
Oh, it's you.
So, you're looking well.
Come on, Bart. You know better
than to talk to strangers.
For your information,
I'm his father.
His father-- the drunken gambler?
That's right.
And who might you be?
Hi-yah!
Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo!
There you go, fellas.
D'oh!
Look! There's another disadvantaged boy.
- Where?
There's a couple of guys fighting
at the aquarium, Chief.
They still sell those frozen bananas?
I think so.
- Let's roll.
This just in. A fistfight is in progress
in downtown Springfield.
Early reports indicate,
and these are very preliminary...
that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
Do we have a source on this?
Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys.
All right.
I could use some names.
I.P. Freely. L--
Uh, Homer?
-
Oh, right.
- This is even more painful than it looks.
This is all my fault, Dad.
I didn't want you to get hurt.
Now I need to find another little brother.
And I need to find another big brother.
My car's gonna feel
so empty on the ride home.
And me,
I have no ride at all.
I already bought a giant ham for dinner.
It's gonna go to waste.
Don't talk about food.
I'm so hungry.
Well, good-bye.
- Well, good-bye.
Wait. I've got an idea.
An idea?
- Huh?
Another beer, Dad?
- Thanks, son.
Dad, remember when Tom
had you in that headlock...
and you screamed,
'I'm a hemophiliac...'
and when he let you go
you kicked him in the back?
Yeah?
Will you teach me how to do that?
Sure, boy.
First, you gotta shriek like a woman.
And keep sobbing
till he turns away in disgust.
That's when it's time to kick some back.
And then when he's lying
out on the ground--
Yeah?
Kick him in the ribs.
- Yeah?
Step on his neck.
- Yeah?
And run like hell.
Eye of the--
I stopped it.
- And I hurt somebody. Ha-ha.
Boys, it wasn't easy
choosing only one of you...
for the free week at
Pele's Soccer and Acting Camp.
Let's all congratulate...
Nelson!
- Thanks, Dad!
Told ya.
- Come on, Bart.
We're gonna go sneak
into an R-rated movie.
It's called Barton Fink.
I can't. I told my dad I'd wait for him.
Barton Fink! Barton Fink!
- Barton Fink!
Homer, we're going to my sisters'.
Remember, pick up Bart.
- I'm on my way.
- What'd you say, Marge?
That could be Dad.
Station wagon. Luggage rack.
Wha--
Dad, where are you?
Tonight on Wings--
Ah, who cares?
This isn't funny!
Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson.
Pick up Bart.
Pick up Bart!
'Trab Pu Kcip.' 'Trab Pu Kcip!'
What have we told you
about writing on the walls?
Go to your room!
After 16gloriousseasons...
the Green Bay faithful bid farewell
to Bryan Bartlett Starr.
Hmm. I keep thinking
I'm forgetting something.
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!
Bart. Bart.
Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.
Bart.
- Bart.
I can't think with all this noise.
What am I supposed to do?
Pick up Bart. Pick up Bart.
'Pigabar'?
What the hell is 'pigabar'?
Bart? Bart!
Why? How?
When? Which?
Bart!
Dad, hide your shame!
Hey, Homie! I can see your doodle.
- Shutup, Flanders.
Hey, boy,
how was soccer practice?
Hey, Bart. Son?
Here's my way Of saying I'm sorry.
Ooh.
I know you're mad at me right now, and...
I'm kind of mad too.
I mean, we could sit here
and try to figure out...
who forgot to pick up who
till the cows come home.
But let's just say we're both wrong,
and that'll be that.
Now, how 'bout a hug?
Hello, New York.
-
When Lorne asked me to host this show...
I said, 'Lorne, why me?'
I mean, I did just star in my first movie
with Marvin Hagler...
and Tova Borgnine--
Yeah!
Anyway, we got a great show for you.
Well, actually the last half hour's
a real garbage dump.
We'll be right back.
I miss Joe Piscopo.
Lost your dad?
- Uh-huh.
He's not coming back, is he?
- He might.
No, he's not.
But at Bigger Brothers, we can help.
Hello, Bigger Brothers?
My name is Bart Simpson...
and I don't have a father.
And now it's time for another episode of--
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, I got wax in my ears.
Better clean 'em.
Hah? Hah?
-
This goes on for 1 2 more minutes.
So the last time you saw
your father was six years ago?
Yeah. He left me out
on the curb for the ashman.
What a revoltin' development.
You brave little soldier.
I've been saving someone special
for a case like yours.
Bart Simpson?
- Yo.
I'm Tom. Let's ride.
Ohh.
Bart's dad has really
pulled himself together.
Bart's not mad at me.
- He called you a bad father.
Marge, when kids these days
say 'bad,' they mean 'good.'
And to shake your booty
means to wiggle one's butt.
Permit me to demonstrate.
- No!
I just think you should
talk to Bart about-- Good Lord!
Homer, do you have
an explanation for this bill?
Oh, it's that record club.
The first nine were only a penny.
Then they jacked up the price!
It's not fair.
It's not fair, I tells ya.
No, no. Someone made
$300 worth of phone calls...
to something called the 'Corey Hotline.'
Wasn't me.
-
Lisa!
Why didn't you ask our permission, Lisa?
I did.
Dad, can I--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ah, honey, I know what
you're going through.
When I was a girl,
I had a crush on Bobby Sherman.
The point is I want you
to stop making these calls.
All right, Mom. I promise you will
never be billed for another call.
Bobby Sherman.
Charge!
Your dad ever take you to baseball games?
- Nah. His game was blackjack.
He bet our life savings on a single hand.
Nineteen.
- Hit me.
Twenty.
- Hit me.
Twenty-one.
- Hit me.
Twenty-two.
- D'oh!
If I ever meet your dad--
The start of the game will be delayed...
so we can introduce the recruiter
for the Springfield Communist Party.
- Boo!
This is better than dart day.
Now, you just let those ear drops
sit for about 20 minutes.
If you get bored,
here's a MASH coloring book.
Here's a good one--...
'Hawkeye's antics irritate
the other surgeons.'
Hi, you've reached
the Corey Hotline-- 4.95 a minute.
Here are some words
that rhyme with Corey:
Glory, story--
- allegory, Montessori.
Okay, Bart, tomorrow
we'll blast your quads.
This meatball soup is delicious, Stimpy.
That's not meatball soup.
That's my collection
of fur balls in stomach acid.
You idiot!
You're trying to kill me, man!
Someday, I want to be an F-1 4 pilot
like my hero, Tom.
He lent me this new weapon
called a neural disrupter.
Hey--
He's not dead,
is he, Bart?
Nah, but I wouldn't give him
any homework for a while.
Very good, Bart.
Thank you.
Don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented
eight-year military buildup.
Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Uh, I have a horsie.
Wuss!
Lisa, I'm glad you came.
I know you young'uns think
we old-timers aren't any fun...
but we'll show 'em.
We'll show 'em all!
Hi, this is Corey. I hope you
and I can get married someday.
Hey, boy,
where're you going?
Father-son picnic.
- Have a good time.
- Hey-- Wait a minute.
Lisa, I know I can trust you...
to inventory this glee club peanut brittle.
- Yes, Principal Skinner.
Now, I gotta slash 40%% out of the budget.
So long...
science.
Ah, music and art.
-
What in blazes?
-
- Good Lord! That's a 900 number.
Let's see what's in the newspaper today.
- Hmm.
Canada stalls on trade pact.
Hey, look at that forest fire down there.
Yeah, great.
- What's the matter?
Well, I've been thinking,
you've been really great to me...
but there's probably some other kid
who needs you even more.
Bart, I could kiss you...
if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me
sign a form promising I wouldn't.
No one needs me more than a child
with your tragic upbringing.
Now, let's set down at that frogurt stand.
So, that's it!
Hello, son.
Where have you been?
- Playing with Milhouse.
No, you haven't!
You've been out gallivanting around...
with that floozy
of a bigger brother of yours!
Haven't you?
Haven't you?
Look at me!
- Dad, it just kind of happened.
You're taking this too hard.
How would you like me to take it?
'Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun.
I'll be waiting for you'?
I'm sorry.
I can't do it!
- Well, what are you gonna do?
Oh-ho. You'll see.
And what are your reasons
for wanting a little brother?
Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Uh, revenge?
That's it. I'm gettin' out of here.
Welcome aboard,
Mr. Simpson.
Any of these boys would be thrilled
to have a bigger brother like you.
Ugly. Wiener. Crater-face.
Suey! Suey!
Eh, maybe this was a mistake.
Do you have a bigger brother for me yet?
Okay. I'll be back in an hour.
I'll take him.
Do you have him in blond?
Lisa, the only way you'll lick this
is one day at a time.
If you can make it to midnight
without calling the Corey line...
you'll know you've beaten it forever.
Midnight?
- Listen to your mother, Lisa.
I owe everything I have
to my mother's watchful eye...
and swift hand.
Oh, there's Mother now--
- watching me.
What's that, Mother?
They have a right to be here.
It's school business.
I-- Mother, that sailor suit
doesn't fit anymore!
I think we should go.
- Uh-huh.
just like Oscar the Grouch.
Pepi!
- Papa Homer!
Son, your life is gonna get better...
starting now.
- Ow.
Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Oh, he is.
Son, I just want you to know
I love you very much.
Shut up!
Mmm. Grapefruit.
I just press this button...
and the door opens like magic.
Why does it stop there?
- Because it's a stupid piece of junk!
Well, I'd better Get you home.
What's the matter?
- I've spent every night of my life in the city.
I have never seen the stars.
Tell me more.
I want to know all the constellations.
Well, there's...
jerry the cowboy.
And that big dipper looking thing...
is Alan... the cowboy.
Oh, Papa Homer,
you are so learned.
'Learnd,' son. It's pronounced 'learnd.'
I love you, Papa Homer.
I love you too, Pepsi.
Pepi.
- Pepi.
Gotta make it till midnight.
Gotta make it till midnight.
Must you be forever dialing that phone?
Excuse me.
Oh, come on. Hurry!
Lisa?
Oh, Lisa.
You tried your best.
At the tone, the time will be...
12:00 midnight.
I made it.
Hey, Homer,
have you seen my skateboard?
I gave it to Pepi.
- Who the hell is Pepi?
He's my little brother.
That's right. You're not the only one
who can abuse a nonprofit organization.
Who needs you?
Tom's a better father than you ever were.
Come on, Bart.
We had our fun.
Remember when I used to
push you on the swing?
I was fakin' it.
Liar!
- Oh, yeah?
Remember this?
'Higher, Dad. Higher.
'Whee! Whee! Push harder, Dad.'
- Hey, stop that.
'Come on! Higher! Higher! Faster!'
- Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
You know, the whale is not really a fish.
They're mammals, like you and me.
Is that true?
- No.
Whoo! Come and get it.
-
Whoo!
Come and get it.
Whoo!
Stupid dolphin.
- You g-- Hey! Hey!
- He got my hot dog!
- Uh-oh. Better not let him see me.
What the--
Oh, it's you.
So, you're looking well.
Come on, Bart. You know better
than to talk to strangers.
For your information,
I'm his father.
His father-- the drunken gambler?
That's right.
And who might you be?
Hi-yah!
Hai! Ho! Hah! Woo!
There you go, fellas.
D'oh!
Look! There's another disadvantaged boy.
- Where?
There's a couple of guys fighting
at the aquarium, Chief.
They still sell those frozen bananas?
I think so.
- Let's roll.
This just in. A fistfight is in progress
in downtown Springfield.
Early reports indicate,
and these are very preliminary...
that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
Do we have a source on this?
Uh-huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys.
All right.
I could use some names.
I.P. Freely. L--
Uh, Homer?
-
Oh, right.
- This is even more painful than it looks.
This is all my fault, Dad.
I didn't want you to get hurt.
Now I need to find another little brother.
And I need to find another big brother.
My car's gonna feel
so empty on the ride home.
And me,
I have no ride at all.
I already bought a giant ham for dinner.
It's gonna go to waste.
Don't talk about food.
I'm so hungry.
Well, good-bye.
- Well, good-bye.
Wait. I've got an idea.
An idea?
- Huh?
Another beer, Dad?
- Thanks, son.
Dad, remember when Tom
had you in that headlock...
and you screamed,
'I'm a hemophiliac...'
and when he let you go
you kicked him in the back?
Yeah?
Will you teach me how to do that?
Sure, boy.
First, you gotta shriek like a woman.
And keep sobbing
till he turns away in disgust.
That's when it's time to kick some back.
And then when he's lying
out on the ground--
Yeah?
Kick him in the ribs.
- Yeah?
Step on his neck.
- Yeah?
And run like hell.