The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Selma's Choice - full transcript
Selma starts to feel broody, but after taking Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens, she changes her mind.
- Hey, Lance Murdock...
you just jumped 16 blazing school buses.
What are you going to do now?
I'm goin' to Duff Gardens!
Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash!
To be completed in 1994.
And the Washing Machine!
Wow!
See the happiest fish in the world...
at our fabulous Beerquarium!
Bart, warm up the car.
We're going to Duff Gardens!
Yea!
Now, what do we say when
we get to the ticket booth?
'We're under six.'
And I'm a college student.
Heh, heh!
Kids, I have some bad news.
Your Great-Aunt Gladys has...
passed on.
Gladys. Gladys.
'Bout yay high, blue hair,
big dent in her forehead?
No, honey. Gladys looked
more like your Aunt Patty.
Oh, yeah. There she is.
The funeral's in Littleneck Falls.
Looks like we'll have
to go to Duff Gardens another time.
We understand.
- No use complainin' about
something you can't change.
But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now!
Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
- I'm not pouting.
I'm mourning.
Stupid dead woman.
##
- If you don't mind!
We're on our way to a funeral.
Homer!
Patty, Selma, I'm sorry.
Mm! He's hugging us.
What do we do?
just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
- Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me.
Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.
I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone.
Her legend will live forever.
Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Legend of the dog-faced woman.
Oh, that's good!
- Homer! That's very rude of you.
What? D'oh!
Can we please stop
somewhere? My butt's asleep.
All right.
I'm almost there.
It-- Ohh!
Another place mat, sir?
- Please.
While we're waiting for our pie...
let's take a minute
to remember Great-Aunt Gladys.
Wait a minute.
That was Prince of Tides.
Five, six...
seven, eight.
What are you kids playing?
- Counting game.
Oh, that's nice.
- Nine...
10.
He was a good man.
He was a kind man.
He gave to his community...
and asked little in return.
-
He never--
-
That's a woman?
Dear Lord!
Well, I guess...
most of what I said can be salvaged.
Take a seat, bozo.
And that eulogy better not
show up on the bill.
I'll keep this short.
Gladys lived alone,
died alone.
I guess you could say
she was a role model for Selma and me.
She wasn't a rich woman--
-
but she was rich in spirit.
Forgot my hat.
Don't hassle the dead, boy.
They have eerie powers.
- I thought this thing
was gonna be catered.
Boy, am I hungry.
I mean I'm really,
really hungry.
It's just not fair, damn it!
Good-bye, Great-Aunt Gladys.
I wish I'd made more of an effort...
to get to know you these last few years.
Don't worry about it.
- I'm Lionel Hutz...
executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate.
She left a video will,
so I earn my fee...
simply by pressing this 'Play' button.
Pretty sweet, hey?
I would like to start by reading
a passage from Robert Frost.
'Two roads diverged
in a yellow wood, and--'
- Homer!
All in favor of skipping the poem.
Thank you.
-
'And that has made all the difference.'
Now let's get down to business.
To my executor, Lionel Hutz...
I leave $50,000.
Mr. Hutz!
You'd be surprised how often that works.
You really would.
To Marge,
I leave my collection...
of potato chips that resemble celebrities.
They're all here-- Otto von Bismarck...
Maurice Chevalier,
right up to Jay Leno.
These chips were my children,
Marjorie.
Take special care of them.
-
Uh-oh.
To my sister, Jackie, I leave
my pet iguana, JubJub.
Why didn't she just leave me
the bowel obstruction that killed her?
To my dear childless nieces,
Patty and Selma...
I leave my grandfather clock
and these words:
Don't die lonely like me.
Raise a family,
and do it now.
Now! Now! Now!
Hey, a grandfather clock.
Not bad.
- Aunt Gladys was right.
There's something missing in our lives.
Don't worry. We'll get
that 'barking dog' record tomorrow.
Patty, I want a baby.
What do I do here?
- Just tell us about yourself.
Well, I wanna have a baby
before it's too late.
You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys.
Come and get it.
Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.
One drop of this love potion...
and you will have any man you desire.
Really? What are the magical ingredients?
Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol.
You'll be lucky if it doesn't
Make your hair fall out actually.
Oh!
-
Paper or plastic?
- You decide.
So, wearing a belt, are ya?
Yep.
- No suspenders for you.
I guess not.
Orange is really your color.
They make us wear this.
Shall we continue this
conversation over dinner?
Uh, I'm not allowed to date customers.
It's store policy.
- No, it isn't. Ow!
Shut up, Arnold.
- No. Go for it, man.
'R,' 'Q,' 'G.'
- Question mark. Smiley face.
Next. Wait a minute.
It says here you're single.
Did I do wrong?
####
- Cold biscuits...
chicken...
yellow... mailman.
You're reading the wine list, sir.
- Very good.
I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
Use your imagination.
Mmm!
Aah!
-
Ew! Get outta my car.
This isn't my house.
Come to Duff Gardens...
-
where roaming gangs aren't
a big problem anymore.
Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds...
of Hooray For Everything.
Hey, kids! Take a walk on the wild side!
- ##
##
Yeah!
Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend?
Sure.
Unless another aunt dies.
- Selma, your date's over already?
Yeah.
I was so depressed.
I ate ajar of expired olives.
I guess I'll never have a baby.
Aunt Selma,
this may be presumptuous...
but have you ever considered
artificial insemination?
Boy, I don't know.
You gotta be pretty desperate
to make it with a robot.
- I knew that.
How do I know I'm getting quality?
Don't worry. Our donors have to pass
a rigorous screening process.
All done!
Thank you.
- Always a pleasure.
What a beautiful little girl.
-
'101 Frozen Pops.'
A Nobel Prize winner!
An NBA All-Star!
Ooh! One of the Sweathogs.
I checked.
It's not Horshack.
Oh. Are you sure you wanna
have a baby this way?
Yeah.
You've had some pretty bad experiences
ordering out of catalogs.
Remember that mail order husband?
Ooh! You look just like your picture.
Sorry. My mind's made up.
I wanna have a kid, and this is
the only way I can do it.
Why do you wanna have a baby so bad?
I got a lotta love to give...
and, right now,
my only outlet is my ham radio.
Are you sure you've thought this through?
-
A child can really Change your life.
You'll have to give up smoking.
- I'll chew.
No man will want you.
- All I got now is sperm in a cup.
- Come on! Come on! Time to get up!
- Come on! Come on! Time to get up!
We wanna go to Duff Gardens!
- Time to go to Duff Gardens!
Oh, great.
Dad's dead.
Have you been eating
that sandwich again?
Sandwich.
Geez, we hardly made a dent
in that 1 0-foot hoagie.
Well, I'll give it a good home.
Mm!
You've been eating that thing for a week.
I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
Homer, I found this behind the radiator.
I really think you should throw it away.
Suggestion noted.
Marge, I'd like to be alone
with the sandwich for a moment.
Are you going to eat it?
Yes.
- You look terrible.
I don't care.
I'm going to Duff Gardens.
S-S-So cold!
Your lips are turning blue.
I think you better stay home.
No! Duff Gardens.
Hurrah!
-
We really appreciate you
taking the children on such short notice.
We'll have fun,
won't we, kids?
To get to Duff Gardens,
I'd ride with Satan himself.
That's the spirit.
See ya tonight.
Good-bye, Dad. Don't eat any solids.
- But I love solids.
Won't be any fun without ya, Dad.
-
Yea!
This is all your fault!
It--
Oh, how can I stay mad at you?
Mm!
-
There it is!
- The Duff Beeramid.
'The Beeramid contains
so much aluminum...
'it would take five men to lift it.
Twenty-two immigrant laborers
died during its construction.'
Plenty more where that came from.
- Look! It's the Seven Duffs!
There's Tipsy,
and there's Queasy.
There's Surly and Remorseful!
Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Get outta here.
Fourscore and seven years ago...
we took the finest hops and barley...
to brew a refreshing,
full-bodied lager.
This is a disgrace.
- Settle down.
Anything this bad
has to be educational. Bart!
Let's see if they wore underwear back then.
Yeah!
-
Do you feel any better?
- No.
- What are the odds of getting
sick on a Saturday? 1,000-to-1.
Well, to cheer you up,
I rented a couple of videos.
'Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins' and 'Yentl.'
Yentl? What's that?
It deals with a bookish
young woman's efforts...
to enter rabbinical school.
Sounds great!
- Oh, my God! You're delirious.
Hmm.
'Beer goggles. See the world
through the eyes of a drunk!'
Wow!
You're charming the pants off of me.
What did you say, Aunt Selma?
- I said take off those damn glasses!
Oh! This looks like fun.
A bench.
Kids, what do ya say...
you go get your Aunt Selma
a beer smoothie?
A beer smoothie? Not again.
- We gotta go.
We got more stuff to do.
- You've already had four of 'em.
Hey, man, if the line's this long,
it's gotta be good.
Get bent.
What's going on here?
Oh, Yentl.
I might have known.
That Yentl puts the 'she' in yeshiva.
Hmm. Well,
you've cooled down.
That's what you think.
You know,
I rented another tape...
in case you felt better.
'The Erotic Adventures of Hercules.'
With Norman Fell as Zeus.
- Whoo-hoo!
I wanna get off!.
- You can't get off.
We have five more continents to visit.
Hey, Lise, I dareya to drink the water.
I'm not sure that is water.
Chicken.
Quit it, Bart. Quit it!
-
Quit it! Quit it!
- Bart, be quiet!
Lisa, drink the water!
They're all around me!
No way out!
No way out, I tell you!
- What's wrong?
Now, you just Put your head right here.
Aaaaah!
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
Hercules! The Cyclops tore off my clothes.
-
Bart! Lisa!
Ahh!
I can see the music.
Mitch, you're doin' a bang-up job.
Thank you, sir.
Whoa. That isn't good.
Stop the ride!
I'll have to ask my supervisor.
Better stop it.
-
Can't you do something?
Hey. Surly only looks
out for one guy-- Surly.
Hmm. Sorry, Surly.
- Shut up.
- Don't blame these kids.
It's not their fault.
I think their father
is missing a chromosome.
Miss Bouvier, while we
were rescuing this boy...
hoodlums made off
with three bumper cars!
And I don't think George Washington
will ever be the same.
We found this one swimming naked
in the Fermentarium.
I am the Lizard Queen!
Give her this...
and this...
- and then these.
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
- Oh, I'm not a doctor.
Come to Homercles!
I can't. The beans will burn.
Homercles cares not for beans.
- Oh!
Hi, kids.
How was Duff Gardens?
Can't talk.
Comin' down.
How do you do it, Homer?
You take an ordinary bed sheet,
fold it around like this--
No. I mean raising kids.
I just couldn't cut it today.
All I wanted was a little version of me...
that I could hold in my arms.
Oh, JubJub.
When I went to pick him up, Mom was
trying to stab him with a hat pin.
Shh!
Oh, yeah!
you just jumped 16 blazing school buses.
What are you going to do now?
I'm goin' to Duff Gardens!
Duff Gardens! Home of the Whiplash!
To be completed in 1994.
And the Washing Machine!
Wow!
See the happiest fish in the world...
at our fabulous Beerquarium!
Bart, warm up the car.
We're going to Duff Gardens!
Yea!
Now, what do we say when
we get to the ticket booth?
'We're under six.'
And I'm a college student.
Heh, heh!
Kids, I have some bad news.
Your Great-Aunt Gladys has...
passed on.
Gladys. Gladys.
'Bout yay high, blue hair,
big dent in her forehead?
No, honey. Gladys looked
more like your Aunt Patty.
Oh, yeah. There she is.
The funeral's in Littleneck Falls.
Looks like we'll have
to go to Duff Gardens another time.
We understand.
- No use complainin' about
something you can't change.
But I wanna go to Duff Gardens right now!
Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
- I'm not pouting.
I'm mourning.
Stupid dead woman.
##
- If you don't mind!
We're on our way to a funeral.
Homer!
Patty, Selma, I'm sorry.
Mm! He's hugging us.
What do we do?
just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
- Hey, Homer! This luggage is crushing me.
Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.
I can't believe Aunty Gladys is really gone.
Her legend will live forever.
Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Legend of the dog-faced woman.
Oh, that's good!
- Homer! That's very rude of you.
What? D'oh!
Can we please stop
somewhere? My butt's asleep.
All right.
I'm almost there.
It-- Ohh!
Another place mat, sir?
- Please.
While we're waiting for our pie...
let's take a minute
to remember Great-Aunt Gladys.
Wait a minute.
That was Prince of Tides.
Five, six...
seven, eight.
What are you kids playing?
- Counting game.
Oh, that's nice.
- Nine...
10.
He was a good man.
He was a kind man.
He gave to his community...
and asked little in return.
-
He never--
-
That's a woman?
Dear Lord!
Well, I guess...
most of what I said can be salvaged.
Take a seat, bozo.
And that eulogy better not
show up on the bill.
I'll keep this short.
Gladys lived alone,
died alone.
I guess you could say
she was a role model for Selma and me.
She wasn't a rich woman--
-
but she was rich in spirit.
Forgot my hat.
Don't hassle the dead, boy.
They have eerie powers.
- I thought this thing
was gonna be catered.
Boy, am I hungry.
I mean I'm really,
really hungry.
It's just not fair, damn it!
Good-bye, Great-Aunt Gladys.
I wish I'd made more of an effort...
to get to know you these last few years.
Don't worry about it.
- I'm Lionel Hutz...
executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate.
She left a video will,
so I earn my fee...
simply by pressing this 'Play' button.
Pretty sweet, hey?
I would like to start by reading
a passage from Robert Frost.
'Two roads diverged
in a yellow wood, and--'
- Homer!
All in favor of skipping the poem.
Thank you.
-
'And that has made all the difference.'
Now let's get down to business.
To my executor, Lionel Hutz...
I leave $50,000.
Mr. Hutz!
You'd be surprised how often that works.
You really would.
To Marge,
I leave my collection...
of potato chips that resemble celebrities.
They're all here-- Otto von Bismarck...
Maurice Chevalier,
right up to Jay Leno.
These chips were my children,
Marjorie.
Take special care of them.
-
Uh-oh.
To my sister, Jackie, I leave
my pet iguana, JubJub.
Why didn't she just leave me
the bowel obstruction that killed her?
To my dear childless nieces,
Patty and Selma...
I leave my grandfather clock
and these words:
Don't die lonely like me.
Raise a family,
and do it now.
Now! Now! Now!
Hey, a grandfather clock.
Not bad.
- Aunt Gladys was right.
There's something missing in our lives.
Don't worry. We'll get
that 'barking dog' record tomorrow.
Patty, I want a baby.
What do I do here?
- Just tell us about yourself.
Well, I wanna have a baby
before it's too late.
You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys.
Come and get it.
Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.
One drop of this love potion...
and you will have any man you desire.
Really? What are the magical ingredients?
Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol.
You'll be lucky if it doesn't
Make your hair fall out actually.
Oh!
-
Paper or plastic?
- You decide.
So, wearing a belt, are ya?
Yep.
- No suspenders for you.
I guess not.
Orange is really your color.
They make us wear this.
Shall we continue this
conversation over dinner?
Uh, I'm not allowed to date customers.
It's store policy.
- No, it isn't. Ow!
Shut up, Arnold.
- No. Go for it, man.
'R,' 'Q,' 'G.'
- Question mark. Smiley face.
Next. Wait a minute.
It says here you're single.
Did I do wrong?
####
- Cold biscuits...
chicken...
yellow... mailman.
You're reading the wine list, sir.
- Very good.
I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
Use your imagination.
Mmm!
Aah!
-
Ew! Get outta my car.
This isn't my house.
Come to Duff Gardens...
-
where roaming gangs aren't
a big problem anymore.
Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds...
of Hooray For Everything.
Hey, kids! Take a walk on the wild side!
- ##
##
Yeah!
Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend?
Sure.
Unless another aunt dies.
- Selma, your date's over already?
Yeah.
I was so depressed.
I ate ajar of expired olives.
I guess I'll never have a baby.
Aunt Selma,
this may be presumptuous...
but have you ever considered
artificial insemination?
Boy, I don't know.
You gotta be pretty desperate
to make it with a robot.
- I knew that.
How do I know I'm getting quality?
Don't worry. Our donors have to pass
a rigorous screening process.
All done!
Thank you.
- Always a pleasure.
What a beautiful little girl.
-
'101 Frozen Pops.'
A Nobel Prize winner!
An NBA All-Star!
Ooh! One of the Sweathogs.
I checked.
It's not Horshack.
Oh. Are you sure you wanna
have a baby this way?
Yeah.
You've had some pretty bad experiences
ordering out of catalogs.
Remember that mail order husband?
Ooh! You look just like your picture.
Sorry. My mind's made up.
I wanna have a kid, and this is
the only way I can do it.
Why do you wanna have a baby so bad?
I got a lotta love to give...
and, right now,
my only outlet is my ham radio.
Are you sure you've thought this through?
-
A child can really Change your life.
You'll have to give up smoking.
- I'll chew.
No man will want you.
- All I got now is sperm in a cup.
- Come on! Come on! Time to get up!
- Come on! Come on! Time to get up!
We wanna go to Duff Gardens!
- Time to go to Duff Gardens!
Oh, great.
Dad's dead.
Have you been eating
that sandwich again?
Sandwich.
Geez, we hardly made a dent
in that 1 0-foot hoagie.
Well, I'll give it a good home.
Mm!
You've been eating that thing for a week.
I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
Homer, I found this behind the radiator.
I really think you should throw it away.
Suggestion noted.
Marge, I'd like to be alone
with the sandwich for a moment.
Are you going to eat it?
Yes.
- You look terrible.
I don't care.
I'm going to Duff Gardens.
S-S-So cold!
Your lips are turning blue.
I think you better stay home.
No! Duff Gardens.
Hurrah!
-
We really appreciate you
taking the children on such short notice.
We'll have fun,
won't we, kids?
To get to Duff Gardens,
I'd ride with Satan himself.
That's the spirit.
See ya tonight.
Good-bye, Dad. Don't eat any solids.
- But I love solids.
Won't be any fun without ya, Dad.
-
Yea!
This is all your fault!
It--
Oh, how can I stay mad at you?
Mm!
-
There it is!
- The Duff Beeramid.
'The Beeramid contains
so much aluminum...
'it would take five men to lift it.
Twenty-two immigrant laborers
died during its construction.'
Plenty more where that came from.
- Look! It's the Seven Duffs!
There's Tipsy,
and there's Queasy.
There's Surly and Remorseful!
Hey! Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Get outta here.
Fourscore and seven years ago...
we took the finest hops and barley...
to brew a refreshing,
full-bodied lager.
This is a disgrace.
- Settle down.
Anything this bad
has to be educational. Bart!
Let's see if they wore underwear back then.
Yeah!
-
Do you feel any better?
- No.
- What are the odds of getting
sick on a Saturday? 1,000-to-1.
Well, to cheer you up,
I rented a couple of videos.
'Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins' and 'Yentl.'
Yentl? What's that?
It deals with a bookish
young woman's efforts...
to enter rabbinical school.
Sounds great!
- Oh, my God! You're delirious.
Hmm.
'Beer goggles. See the world
through the eyes of a drunk!'
Wow!
You're charming the pants off of me.
What did you say, Aunt Selma?
- I said take off those damn glasses!
Oh! This looks like fun.
A bench.
Kids, what do ya say...
you go get your Aunt Selma
a beer smoothie?
A beer smoothie? Not again.
- We gotta go.
We got more stuff to do.
- You've already had four of 'em.
Hey, man, if the line's this long,
it's gotta be good.
Get bent.
What's going on here?
Oh, Yentl.
I might have known.
That Yentl puts the 'she' in yeshiva.
Hmm. Well,
you've cooled down.
That's what you think.
You know,
I rented another tape...
in case you felt better.
'The Erotic Adventures of Hercules.'
With Norman Fell as Zeus.
- Whoo-hoo!
I wanna get off!.
- You can't get off.
We have five more continents to visit.
Hey, Lise, I dareya to drink the water.
I'm not sure that is water.
Chicken.
Quit it, Bart. Quit it!
-
Quit it! Quit it!
- Bart, be quiet!
Lisa, drink the water!
They're all around me!
No way out!
No way out, I tell you!
- What's wrong?
Now, you just Put your head right here.
Aaaaah!
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
Hercules! The Cyclops tore off my clothes.
-
Bart! Lisa!
Ahh!
I can see the music.
Mitch, you're doin' a bang-up job.
Thank you, sir.
Whoa. That isn't good.
Stop the ride!
I'll have to ask my supervisor.
Better stop it.
-
Can't you do something?
Hey. Surly only looks
out for one guy-- Surly.
Hmm. Sorry, Surly.
- Shut up.
- Don't blame these kids.
It's not their fault.
I think their father
is missing a chromosome.
Miss Bouvier, while we
were rescuing this boy...
hoodlums made off
with three bumper cars!
And I don't think George Washington
will ever be the same.
We found this one swimming naked
in the Fermentarium.
I am the Lizard Queen!
Give her this...
and this...
- and then these.
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
- Oh, I'm not a doctor.
Come to Homercles!
I can't. The beans will burn.
Homercles cares not for beans.
- Oh!
Hi, kids.
How was Duff Gardens?
Can't talk.
Comin' down.
How do you do it, Homer?
You take an ordinary bed sheet,
fold it around like this--
No. I mean raising kids.
I just couldn't cut it today.
All I wanted was a little version of me...
that I could hold in my arms.
Oh, JubJub.
When I went to pick him up, Mom was
trying to stab him with a hat pin.
Shh!
Oh, yeah!