The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 35, Episode 5 - Treehouse of Horror XXXIV - full transcript

Art lovers of
springfield, good news.

The art museum
is closed forever!

Instead, our entire
collection will be digitized

And sold for a fortune
on the blockchain

As non-fungible tokens, or nfts.

Whatever the hell those are.

Now let's turn some
of our crappy art

Into computer money.

Starting with a true
masterpiece, my butt.

Dad?

Technology!



I've lost bart forever!

No!

Yes!

Honey? Remember
how we're always saying

We wish bart was less fungible?

Did something happen to bart?

Only the parts you can hug.

The rest is alive, right
here on my phone.

My baby is an app!

No, apps actually do stuff.

He's an nft.

But look how much he's worth.

For bart?

Imagine what we'd get for lisa.



He is the first nft
of an actual person.

I don't care.

We've got to find a
way to get him back.

To do that, you,
yourself must enter the blockchain.

Who are you?

We are the
enlightened intellects

Who safeguard the crypto-verse.

Kylie jenner, rob gronkowski,

And jimmy fallon.

I thought you were
just celebrity shills.

We would never
promote a technology

If we didn't understand
the distributed ledger

Underpinning it.

Der!

I can't stop laughing, buddy.

Shut up.

You ruined "cowbell."

This key is a back door

Through the blockchain's
cryptographic protocol.

Once you're inside, find bart

And use it to get
both of you out.

So this is the blockchain.

No, noob, this
is the block-train.

Speeding forever through
the loveless icy world

Created by crypto-bros.

Powered by the most
abundant fuel in the universe:

Fomo, the fear of missing out.

For a digital incarnation of an
abstract mathematical concept,

It could use a good dusting.

Well, that's because
this is the last car of the train, innit?

The dwelling place
of nfts with no value.

Which is 99% of
all nfts ever created.

I guess being the
second-ever human nft

Isn't worth a whole lot.

Where do they keep my son?

At the very front of the train

Where you can never go.

Watch me!

Whoa!

You killed ennui oeuf 116.

Congratulations, you've
moved up the train

Because you are
now as valuable as us,

The cuddle kittens.

Because you killed another nft.

What you call
mindless slaughter,

Crypto-bros call "disruption,"

And then pour cash into it.

So, to rescue bart,

I need to kill a
bunch of you guys.

Ooh.

Well, I guess I got to do this.

Sorry! Nothing personal!

Hope... You... Can't...
Feel... Pain.

Mom's price is skyrocketing!

Look at the fomo!

Now everyone's
gonna want human nfts.

Dad, you said you were
taking me to bumper boats.

I am. Have some
more chocolate milk.

No one is putting another
child into that scanner...

Before mine.

Hey!

Please kill ralph-house.

The front of the
train. I made it.

Bart! We're getting out of here!

Whoa, mom, what's the rush?

Grab yourself a jaded
ape and take a load off.

You never like my friends.

Mom's almost got bart out.

Don't let your son become
a worthless human again.

Sell him to me

For $100 million.

No, dad! If you sell
bart to mr. Burns,

He'll be trapped on
the blockchain forever.

But this is my chance
not to miss out,

After I've missed
out on everything.

The housing bubble,
the first tech bubble,

The second tech bubble,
the current tech bubble.

Just one time, I
want to be the guy

That gives all his
money to bernie madoff!

Mom, get out of there!
Dad's gonna crack!

He did it.

I can't believe he did it.

- We made it.
- Where's homer?

I want to tell him the
inside of his phone smells.

He-he sold himself.

He was so afraid of missing out,

He tokened his own life.

Woo-hoo!

Eternity on a
super swanky train.

Ooh, twerked chicken.

What happened?

Our fomo, it's gone.

The nft craze is over.

D'

The romance of train travel.

Wait. Did you
only ask me to sing

To forestall your gruesome end?

Guilty as charged.

Ha!

It was only by
following my hunch

That we found the
east side strangler

On the west side of town.

Can you explain how you
overcame childhood trauma

To become the nation's most
renowned criminal psychologist?

For that story, you'll
have to read my book.

Office muntz.

Told you I'd smell you later.

Been a long time.

Look at us.

We thought we were
gonna stay young forever.

Some of us did.

Right, like bart,
because he got murdered.

Speaking of gruesome junk,

We could use
your help on a case.

I'm flattered, but I'm the dean
of the true crime department.

I can't just run off and...

The killer left a message.

And we think it's for you.

Maybe rod flanders
did grow up to become

A shockingly foul-mouthed
prop comedian,

But he didn't deserve this.

Only a super-traumatized
profiler like you

Can piece together
what happened here.

Our killer took his time.

Had fun with it.

Enjoyed a game of solitaire.

Red king on a red queen?

This psycho doesn't
play by the rules.

Damn, she's good.

Here, he had one
of those moments

Where you walk into a room
and forget what you came in for.

How did my guys miss that?

One more thing.

This killer won't stop now.

There will be others.

Sarge, there's been another.

How can he also be the first?

Sarge, we got another one.

Boy, that's something
you don't see every...

One more, sarge.

Got another one, sarge.

The severed hand
opens the fridge,

Which tugs on
that strip of sinew,

Turning over the eyeball cup,

Which rolls down the
spine, startles a cat,

Which leaps onto the
butter dish seesaw,

And sends the
other eyeball flying,

Turning on the coffee maker.

Even I can't get inside
a mind this deranged.

There's only one person who can.

Little lisa simpson.

You really made
something of yourself

After I made mincemeat
of your brother.

Come to thank me?

-No. -Rude.

I don't have time
for your games, bob.

I'm working on a...

Yes, a case so confounding

You're actually
willing to seek my help.

The rube goldberg sherri
is actually quite impressive.

Hat tip, psychopath.

What about the
identical messages?

How can they all be "the first"?

Really, professor simpson,

Am I meant to spoon-feed
you all the answers?

Speak in riddles or drop
a clue in a clever anagram

Hidden in something
I've just said right now.

This is a waste of time.

Perhaps a limerick will help.

There once was a shiny machete,

That turned poor
bart's head to spaghetti.

You're gonna die
in that cell, bob.

And when that happens,

Wherever I am,

I'll be dancing.

Can you think of anyone who
would've wanted to hurt sherri?

No, everybody
loved my big sister.

Big sister?

You guys were twins.

Yes, but sherri was born first.

Probably makes sense for
you to be my husband now?

Sherri is the first.

Rod flanders, dermott
spuckler, all firstborns,

That's the pattern.

And bob said something
about an anagram

Taking us to the killer's lair.

That's it.

Stay here.

Hey, meat hooks, hook meat much?

Ha-ha...

Nelson?

Nelson, where are you?

The killer's lair looks
just like my old bedroom.

But how? Ooh.

Maybe the killer's on
the security footage.

No! It can't be!

Freeze!

Wha...?

I can't be the killer!

I turned my trauma into healing!

Oprah said so!

I'm sorry for the imbroglio,
but if the chef de cuisine

Insists on calling
it taco tuesdays,

He can't very well serve flautas

And expect us
not to make a fuss.

Hello, bob.

H-how did you get in here?

Well, I knew if I
killed enough people

In the most gruesome
possible ways,

They'd send me to your prison.

But to get into your cell?

I had a little help.

Lisa the killer.

I never thought
you had it in you.

The lisa you knew didn't.

But I'm another story.

Really?

Split personalities?

Trope alert!

Call the first thought police.

Professor lisa had no idea

She was my accomplice.

But she's gone now.

She was my last victim.

Or, rather, second to last.

The penultimate.

Simpson.

No eating in the turbine room.

Since when?

Pfft. The nanny
state wins again.

No tanning in the reactor core,

No texting while
driving and eating ribs.

Can't even trim your
hedges with a machine gun.

When did everyone get so scared?

The world would be fine if
people just used common sense.

Like me.

Jailbreak!

Woman. Woman.

Homer, one. Nanny state, zero.

Stupid radioactive garbage donut

Mutating my dna while I sleep.

Hey, who stole my
flanders's newspaper?

Sorry about that, homer-ino,

But I-I whited out the
crossword after I did it,

So you could enjoy it, too.

Better from the chimney
than the furnace, am I right?

So, you see, there's
nothing in the bible that says

A pastor and his wife can't
take separate vacations.

Daddy, are you being
tickled by the holy spirit?

I've been neighborino'd
into home-diddly-omer.

And why am I in
church when football is on?

Kiss my ass, church-os.

I'm fat, I'm bald, and I've
never felt sexier, baby.

Why, you little...

Woo-hoo!

A mysterious
affliction has descended upon springfield.

Citizens of every age,
race and catchphrase

Are mysteriously transforming
into bald, pear-shaped doofi.

Donut stu has diabetes type 2.

News is stupid.

Somebody put on wrestling.

Do all these burping baldos

Remind you of anyone?

I'd know that butt
scratch anywhere.

Everyone's turning into dad.

Children, your father's
less than stellar genetic code

Is spreading through
burp-borne transmission.

If we're going
to cure this virus,

We need his dna.

You three are the only
ones impervious to the virus.

You have got to find him.

It is 11:30 in the morning.

- Beer, moe.
- Beer, moe.

A-beer, a-moe.

Have you seen our dad?

No, just these hundreds
of silly versions of him,

Which is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.

I mean, I'm printing
money over here.

Coming right up,
santa's little homer.

Real dad wasn't at the
bowling alley, the candy store,

Or mocking the
hippos at the zoo.

Wait.

Dad ate a bucket of
this chicken last night.

When that happens, where does
he always spend the next day?

I'll be out in a minute.

Um, is this really the most

Convenient bathroom
for your father?

It's the closest one
mom will let him use.

Dad, we need you
to save the world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you believe some idiot

Left this perfectly good
back scratcher in there?

Look, it goes all...

The way... Down.

What?

Now, if you'll just board
the frink-ama-copter...

We're not calling it that.

And then we'll pop your
dna in to the frink-tabulizer...

We're not calling it that.

And everything will go
back to the way it was.

Wait. Hold on. Why
would I want that?

Finally, everyone
thinks the way I do.

Nobody's making up stupid
rules about bicycle helmets

Or where you can smoke cigars.

You want to drive without a seatbelt?

Facetime while jaywalking?

Enjoy a sugary soda?

Go ahead! You're
not hurting anyone!

It's a utopia.

No, a me-topia!

Yes, well, you don't really
want everyone to be like you.

Earth-shattering reveal!

When did insurance
commercials get so funny?

Marge!

Cooperating with
us is the only way

To get your wife back to normal.

You've never looked
more beautiful.

Scooch over, gorgeous.

When we get home,

Let's you and I bump muzzles.

Please. Please! If we don't
have some competent people left

To run things,
society will collapse!

Coders to run the internet

That feeds you the
latest misinformation.

Pilots to fly the planes you
need to be restrained on.

I mean, a world
without experts...

Does beaker ever shut up?

Good one, me-marge.

Well, you leave me no choice.

I'm calling in a
nuclear air strike

To obliterate all the
homerized springfielders,

Including, very sadly,

The touring company
of kinky boots.

Obliterating in three, two...

Hey, you know what you need?

A nice, relaxing
scratch on the back.

No! No! A lifetime
of study and education

Down the...