The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 34, Episode 20 - The Very Hungry Caterpillars - full transcript

Here comes the breakfast bus.

All big girls open up
for The Pancake Express.

Chugga, chugga, choo, choo.

Is it a train or a bus?

- Yeah, which is it?
- Train or bus?

Make a choice!

It's whatever gets her to eat

anything that's not covered
in ranch dressing.

Baby's crying, Marge.

Maggie, this ranch dressing
phase has to end.

I'm not backing down.



No. More. Ranch.

- Baby wins again, Mom.
- Who's in charge here?

This boat needs a captain.

Look, I...

Alert. Alert. Turn on TV.

We interrupt Bitch Judge
for an emergency broadcast.

A sudden environmental
catastrophe

has rocked Springfield,

as a massive caterpillar swarm

has brought life
to a standstill.

- Ew!
- Gross!

Awesome!

Ew! Ew, ew.

This invasive superspecies,
known as the Dutch Leaf Slurper,



has blanketed our town
in a hellish red snowstorm

of legs, eyes and fuzz.

I'm with Professor John Frink,
director of the CDC,

the Center for
Disgusting Caterpillars.

Professor, what reassurances
can you give

the deeply nauseated public?

Uh, well, exactly none.

The Dutch Leaf Slurper is
highly irritating to human skin

and rates a nine on
the Yechstein-Grossman

Ickiness scale.

My fellow citizens,
let us remain calm.

Aah! They're in my hair!
Get them out!

There is no crisis we cannot
meet with tranquil dignity,

- quiet repose and silent,
motionless composure.
- Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo!

All schools,
businesses and roads are closed.

Springfield is in lockdown.

Woo-hoo!

- No school!
- No work!

This isn't a fun day off,
like a snow day

or standardized testing.

This is the third

once-in-a-millennium disaster
this year!

Alarmist Twitter is
freaking out.

Sarcastic Twitter is
turning it into memes,

and Conspiracy Twitter is
believing them.

How can this be happening?!

Why don't we find something
to take our minds off lockdown?

A family activity.

I bet there's a world of
fun lockdown hobbies.

Baking bread, jigsaw puzzles.

Family ragtime jazz band.

The point is,
we can finally spend

some meaningful time together.

So, judges,
is this a steak or a cake?

Or a fake?

- Fake, fake!
- Cake, cake, cake, cake.

- Steak, steak!
- Fake, fake!

It's fake.

I'm gonna say... steak?

Okay, now, if you're wrong,

St. Jude Children's Hospital
will forfeit

the million dollars that
you've already won for them.

- So?
- Then it's time
to reveal the truth.

This steak...

is cake!

Choke on your lies,
Steak and Fake.

One more episode!

One more episode!

Let's do it! Mm-hmm. Hmm?

What are you doing, old man?
Oh, don't hit that!

- You'll sign out!
- Aw! No, you had it. You had it.

Now go back and up and over two.

There... Yeah, yeah. Oh. Aah!

I know what I'm doing, get off.
You're angering it.

You signed out!

You greasy-fingered caveman!

Tell me you know the password.

Mm... Ow!

We're trapped inside.
With each other.

With nothing to stream.
With each other!

Okay, okay, okay. Time for bed.

Don't worry.

Tomorrow,
this lockdown will be over,

and everything will be
back to normal.

Lockdown must end.

The streets are safe.

There is no danger whatso...

Thank you all for downloading

ChatHippo, the video
conferencing service

that is free, provided
I periodically read ad copy.

As we transition
to online learning,

I hope...

"Looking for the most
player-friendly teasers

"and parlays online?

Try OddsMonster.crypto."

Don't mind if I do. Hmm.

Ooh! New Zealand rugby.

Ah, whatever rugby is,
Wellington sucks at it.

Some idiot left their camera on.

Mother! School's over.

Can you make world-famous
mac and cheese?

In the panda bear bowl?

Oh, my God.
I can spy on Skinner!

Seymour, pretend you're not
a helpless infant

while cousin Peter is visiting.

Aunt Agnes, I apologize
for my indefinite sojourn,

though if I'm to be locked down,

I'm grateful
it's with the gentlest,

most soft-spoken woman I know.

Oh, such a good boy.

Not like...

How could someone raised
by a woman

as effortlessly charming as you
turn out to be such a burden?

He won't walk to the store

because he's afraid of
street magicians.

Okay, Maggie.

It's lockdown,
and we're out of ranch dressing.

But if you try one of these,

the dip fairy will come
and leave a quarter

under your pillow.

My ramekins!

Super-secret password.

No. Sexy Marge?

No.

Sexy Bernice?

Homer.

Homer, Maggie won't eat
anything without ranch.

Can you go see if Ned has any?

What about the caterpillars?

Well, this whole plague
of insects

has a real "end of days" ring
to it, right?

Not that I'm hoping for
the righteous to ascend to God

while the wicked suffer
in hellfire,

but if it happened...

Five minutes of lockdown,

and you church-wads are just
ready to toss everything, huh?

I don't know
what I'm more excited for,

eternal bliss or finally getting
to use all my rapture supplies.

Whoa.

How long have you been planning
to lose your mind?

Here we are.

Now give me the food
that was meant to ensure

the survival of your children.

Hey, you, mustache.
Pump it up, chump.

The Flanders market is closed
to you, Mr. Grasshopper.

That's all Ned would give you?

- Did you asked nicely?
- Babe.

I guess if I ration this
carefully,

it'll keep Maggie
from breaking down

for a day or two.

They extended the lockdown.
This could go on for months.

Or forever. Or longer!

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Not good.

Babe, Lisa's making
the noises again.

Lisa, would it violate
the spirit of mental health

and self-care for you to squelch
all your feelings?

Scientists are saying
they're gonna eat our crops.

No more kale.

We need to get Lisa
off the Internet.

Go to the attic
and give her you-know-what.

Merry Christmas.

Why am I getting
my big present now?

Because Santa delivered it
early this year.

Really? Why?

Because he-he doesn't
have long to live.

Dad.
The world is falling apart.

You can't just
distract me with a toy.

You were saying?

I'm distracted. I'm distracted.

This is
the 1958 Blossom Festival.

The official petal that year
was the hollyhock.

Fascinating.

And why was
Marilyn Monroe there?

Oh, that's me.

You charmer.

What is this exquisite quilt?

Oh, that's
an old family heirloom.

Handstitched quilts are
quite valuable these days.

- Oh! Ooh!
- Generations of Skinner women

have contributed images
of the sons

who disappointed them.

It radiates a beauty

unmarred by the passing years.

Much like its owner.

It's yours.
I want you to have it.

Mother!
You promised the quilt to me.

You can't give away
my birthright.

I can give whatever I want
to whoever says nice things.

You know what Seymour
gave me for my birthday?

Half a computer.
No keyboard.

It's a tablet device.
It has a touchscreen.

Touchscreen.

Sounds made-up to me.

Just like his prom date.

You met Charlene.

You spit on a Kleenex
and wiped her makeup off.

Hey, after hot yoga,
let's grab some vegan Thai,

then check out
the Swedish gut biome clinic.

But first, let's ride

the real working escalator.

Ooh! It's a girls' day.

Who wants a spot of boba tea?

I do.

This feels so good.

Maybe Mom's right.

Maybe I don't need to freak out.

Oh, but you do.

You're alive?

Lisa, how can you just...
I don't know... play

as the world
is collapsing around us?

How are you talking to me?

How do you know
about the lockdown?

Lisa, we may be born to shop,

but we're not, like, unaware.

No, of course, but...

It's just so hard
to feel present right now,

isn't it? Not when
those things are out there.

Can we not talk about
the caterpillars?

This is the first time
in two days

I've been free
of crushing anxiety and...

Oh, my God, the caterpillars

have caused a lettuce shortage.

Rioters were tear-gassed
at a Whole Foods salad bar.

That's so sad.

I'm just gonna say it.

I think this is the new normal.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Look, Maggie.

Daddy's got delicious
ranch dressing right here.

Now baby's turn.

Good Maggie!
Great Daddy.

Look at Ned. His kids
don't know what it's like

to live in a world
without ranch.

But getting angry
won't help anything.

I'm gonna be the bigger person.

Screw this!

Tonight, we're breaking
into Ned's basement

and cleaning that sucker out.

Babe?

Get the bolt cutters.

Mother, how can you give my
quilt to this scheming Adonis?

Agnes, I'll treasure the quilt

like it deserves
to be treasured.

Like you deserve
to be treasured.

Oh, you.

Let me fix you
another liverwurst melt.

Great. That's just great.

Mm...

Oh, my God.

That quilt was baby Skinner's
security blanket.

My beloved Mr. Nuck-nuck.

Huh?

Skinner's crying?

Can he do that?

That quilt was his blankie.

You don't...

you don't take away
a man's blankie!

Make Mr. Purple Shirt
stop crying

so he can sit at his desk

and tell recess to happen.

No, guys.
We're not doing this.

We're not feeling bad
for Skinner.

We're not gonna see him
as a human being.

Mm...

All right, fine.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

We're gonna help our principal

get his blankie back.

So, anybody feel like
doing some shopping?

No time, Lisa.

We're building a barricade

in case the caterpillars
get inside.

That does look really safe.

Kind of wish I was
in there with you.

Hey, girl, welcome to the mall.

Oh, I am not

handling lockdown well.

- Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.
- Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

To whoever's down here

stealing my supplies,

the end of days is coming,

but a little earlier for you.

If I'm going down, I'm taking
all of youse with me!

Ah, you see? I-I just got
to stop watering down my booze.

Hey, psycho, over here!

Homer Simpson.

He who steals from his neighbor
shall reap the croquet mallet.

A reading from
the Book of Flanders.

Now, calm down, Ned.

Let's just
take a deep breath and...

Surprise ranch attack!

I'll die before I
don't take what's yours.

Forgive me, Marge.
Take the dressing.

If I don't make it,

tell Maggie it was her fault.

Hmm.

You want to dip? Let's dip.

Lockdown kids of Springfield,

we're gonna save
our principal's blankie.

With the power of the most
useless thing on earth:

remote learning.

Muntz, go.

I'm calling about
an anonymous post

offering an antique
handmade quilt for sale.

Hmm. If I did have such a quilt,

the price would be considerable.

Ooh, he's negotiating.

The fish is on the hook.

My offer is $25,000.

Nelson, I made a homemade puppet

so you can do
Jeff Dunham jokes for me.

Not now, Mom.

I'm talking
to a grown man online.

Wait, you're a kid?

Oh, no, we almost had him.

I am not selling
you my quilt, junior.

Not after all the time
I've spent conning it out of

that awful woman.

Ha! Got him.

Hello, cousin Peter.

Cousin Seymour. Agnes.

We heard every word you said,

right here on my wonderful
half computer,

which was a gift from my son.

How dare you take advantage
of my sweet, trusting mother?

She is an IBS survivor.

Mm. You're a good boy.

And you...

Aah!

Oh! My orifices!

My precious orific...

I don't know who you are,

but I thank you
from the bottom of my heart,

SkinnerSucks42.

You still want your precious
ranch, neighborino?

Stop!

What has lockdown done to us?

Hmm?

Buffalo wings.
I need Buffalo wings.

Ned, you're
a wonderful human being

who has never shown
anything but kindness

to our challenging family.

I'm sorry.
These are yours.

Well, you keep those, Marge.

It's time I put the "Christian"

back in "extremist Christian
end times prepper."

My dear Homer, I'm so sorry.

What?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, too.

We need more furniture.

Give me that mannequin.

Uh, that's my boyfriend,
Malibu Kevin.

Happy to be of service, babe.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, my God, that thing
is gonna eat her!

Oh!

Ew.

Ew?

Honestly, it's kind of cute.

Maybe you should chill.

Chill?
May I remind you

that we are in a crisis?

No!
Because that's all you do!

Any time there's
a little optimism,

here you come
with more bad news,

and squish...
We're all miserable again.

I don't want
to play with you anymore!

When we're all stuck indoors
for who knows how long,

we have to tell each other

things are going to work out.

Because if we all just tell each
other we'll get through this,

then by some kind of magic,
we will.

And in a crisis,
there's nothing more powerful

than showing a little empathy
to the people around you.

That is beautiful.

Do you really think
this will be over soon?

Meh, lockdown's
going on forever.

Count on it.

Lockdown is over.

Our furry invaders
have cocooned themselves,

presumably forever.

As our long
regional nightmare ends,

we emerge blinking in the sun,

vowing to move on,

forget and learn nothing.

It's hard to believe we can
just go wherever we'd like.

We made it, gang.

I always knew we would.

- Aw.
- Butterfly!

Cool.

Ew!

- Gross.
- Get 'em off, get 'em off!

Aah! Butterflies!

They bite!

Here we go, guys.
I stole Flanders'

streaming password
so we're back in business.

What the hell is GodFlix?

Oh, a Christian
streaming service?!

Actually, some of these
look pretty good.

Ooh, The Mary Virgin Moore Show.

It's Always Sunny
in Beth Shemesh.

Oh! Prayer of Easttown.

How I Met Your Savior.

Better Call King Saul.

The Real Manger Wives
of Bethlehem.

Curb Your Agnosticism.

Shh!