The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 34, Episode 15 - Bartless - full transcript

"Then Papa Bear said,

'Someone's been sleeping
in my bed.'"

This book is so unrealistic.

Dads sleep on the weight bench
in the garage, right?

Okay, Riley, ready to do this?

Tell you what, you
just hang out in there

while I read, okay?

Oh, this dumb book.

"Every day, the milkman brings
fresh milk to your milk box."

But... the milkman
has to be real careful,

because hiding inside
every milk box is...



a fart monster!

Does it really say that?

Sit back, kid, and I'll tell you
where milk really comes from.

On the farm, cows
eat pig boogers...

Moo!

Which their
butts turn into milk.

Then the cows are
loaded onto farm rockets.

But space
goats and astro donkeys

headbutt the beef shuttle!

And that is where
milk comes from.

I thought drawing in
books wasn't allowed.

Hey, who's the big kid here?

You are.

Thanks to your little prank,



25 library books were ruined.

Haven't we told you
that books are precious?

I'm afraid to count how
many times I've said that.

No, you weren't even there.

I was just trying to
make it fun for the kid.

You never take my side.

Side? Get a load of
this kid with a side.

How dare you defend yourself?

You are the destroyer!

Yes, that's it.

The destroyer.

You ruin everything,

even our holiday picture.

There's no such
thing as Christmas fangs!

I had to wear a scarf
to midnight mass.

I don't have a moment
when I'm not worried

about what you'll do next.

I can't... I ju...

I can't...

Babe, babe, tag me in.

I can take him. Destroyer.

Our house is filled
with unexploded pranks.

Any toilet seat could
be covered in superglue.

Bart put hot dog
water in the ice maker.

He's the destroyer!

I just told him that.

Good.

Ten years as your
father has left me empty.

Like an orange soda
bottle at a picnic...

Sticky and covered
with dying bees!

I'm just...

I c... I can't...

Babe, babe.

Okay, punishments.

What's your least
favorite vegetable?

Swiss chard.

You're looking at a whole lot

of swiss chard
sandwiches, buster.

And you're never allowed
to read a book again!

Okay, first off,
we're on your side.

What Bart did was inexcusable.

He's a bad kid. Straight up.

You're lucky you only
have him for one year.

Well, it might be two,

but that's another meeting.

But don't you worry.

The unholy parade of punishments
we've cooked up for Bart

is both cruel and unusual.

When he opens his
eyes every morning,

his first thought will be,

"Oh, no, another day."

Before we explore
the punishment space,

let me show you something.

I love books now.

Oh, the kids haven't
been this excited to read

since we accidentally stocked
Matthew Perry's autobiography.

All thanks to your son.

Bart was just trying to
help his younger peers

engage with their
reading interactively...

"make it fun."

Well, he said that to us, too,

but we didn't believe him.

We've sort of learned
never to believe him.

"One evening, Ralph decided

to go for a walk
in the moonlight."

This is the first book he hasn't
tried to kiss or wear as a hat.

Oh, Bart is such a
wonderful, amazing son.

That's always been our feeling.

May I hug the people
who created Bart?

Mmm, mmm, ooh.

What just happened in there?

Bart? Good?

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I-I don't-I don't
think this is our car.

What color is our car, Marge?

Black? Uh...

No, no, no,
that's-that's not it.

How is it everyone
else saw the best in Bart

and we didn't?

Are we horrible parents?

I don't know. I-I mean,
we love Bart, don't we?

Oh, so much.

So much.

But what if we don't like him?

We don't like our own son!

We're horrible parents.

It's not our fault.

He just wears you down.

I can't take it.

And I'm the strongest
person I know.

We weren't planning on starting
a family when we had him.

What if, deep down,

we blame Bart for throwing
our lives out of whack?

That's the thing no
one ever tells you:

having kids changes your life.

I just wish so much

that we could see him
like other people do,

without all the emotional gunk
of ten years of parenting him.

He deserves that much.

Maybe. But that's
not how life works.

It just doesn't.

Mm...

Another beautiful day.

Should we go wake the kids?

Sure.

Why don't we each take one?

Two parents, two kids...

The perfect family.

So what are we looking at today?

Well, I heard Dr. Vargas
is cheating on Dr. Chen

with that gorgeous new resident.

Great. Now, what
about our patients?

I have no idea. But I made
a chart showing who on staff

is hooking up with who.

What is it about
big-city hospitals

that attracts the
most melodramatic,

sex-obsessed health
workers on Earth?

Dr. Simpson. They need
you in Room 6. Code Blue!

- What's the crisis?
- Dr. Kern fell in love

with his wife's sister's wife,

and now he's
questioning everything.

Break's over.

Charge!

I love my job.

Okay, Homer,
bottom of the ninth.

Let's get this stadium rocking.

Fifty?

You can do better than that.

We're almost at maximum noise.

Maybe today's the day.

Release the rally ferret!

Maybe, in the end,

mankind wasn't
meant to be 100 loud.

Ah. Well, that's my daily

eight ounces of light beer.

Thirst quenched, I'll
head directly home.

Just once, I'd like to see
Homer Simpson get drunk.

Ah, well.

Uh-oh, better tap a new keg

for the happiest
man in Springfield.

Yeah, what's your
secret, Skin-man?

Eh, a stimulating
job at a school

full of obedient children,

with not one
troublemaker in the bunch.

Not a one.

I'm all the trouble he needs.

Well, I'm off.

See you later, wild man.

You guys are so sweet,

surprising me with
ice cream after work.

It was Lisa's idea.

Well, Ice Cream Parlor
Malibu Stacy wanted some, too.

Ice cream party!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

It's a child.

Homer, he's alive.

Who are you, little boy?

Where are your parents?
What's your name?

I'm Bart... um, something.

Who the hell are you?

Now, you can't remember anything

before the accident?

Sorry, I got nothing.

Well, have you ever
had amnesia before?

No way I'd forget
something like that.

Well, until we figure
out who this kid is,

I'm gonna have to keep
him down at the station.

Hey, uh, are you
a true crime buff?

Hope so, 'cause you're sleeping
one cell over from this guy

who is gonna be
huge on Dateline.

No, don't take him to jail.

He can stay at our house.

The poor thing. He
must be so scared.

X-ray of my butt
for you. One for you.

Two for the lady.

Aw, nice pile of
bricks you got here.

So, what's your deal?
I thought rich people

were supposed to be skinny.

We're not rich.

It's just that Marge and I both

have great jobs that we love.

Everything you see here is
a result of careful planning.

Is he fake-snoring so as
to imply that we're boring?

I think he is.

Well, let's see how he likes
a taste of his own medicine.

Ah, my medicine.

Can we both admit I won this?

I'll take you to your room.

What are you waiting for?

This ain't over anytime soon.

Aw, the cheap bed in my
room broke for some reason.

What you got going on in here?

Malibu Stacy is going on
a shopping trip to the mall.

So fun.

Why don't you take
them out of their boxes?

Then you can smash
them with a rock,

light their hair on fire.

Lot of good options.

If I take them out of the box,

they won't be perfect anymore.

Uh, I might have a little OCD.

ADHD. Nice to meet you.

With the top down. Got
Boz Scaggs on the radio.

Life is tight.

My cool... it's gone!

Goodbye, Seymour.

No, Maggie. Bubble boy bad.

Where's Mom? I have to
make my own sandwich

and write my own
sweet note to myself

on my lunch bag? I mean, co...

Ugh. All right, um...

"The world will be great
today because you are."

Aw, that's sweet.

And here's an inspirational
quote from Uncle Bart.

"Eat my shorts."

Oh, very clever.

If someone actually
ate your shorts,

what would it mean?

I don't know, just
something you say so people

don't mess with you,
because you're the boss

and if they don't like it,
they can eat your shorts.

So, did you remember
where home is yet,

low-maintenance guest?

Sorry, guys, I know
as much about me

as you know about me,

which is...

I rule.

Aw, we're all breathing that.

I know he's just a
stray kid in need,

but I don't like him.

I'm gonna play
a little pickleball.

I bet his
parents don't even like him.

I mean, who could?

For a guy who
sweats when he thinks,

you've got a pretty sweet gig.

Listen up, Memento Junior,

just because I don't want
you alone in my home

doesn't mean I want you here.

Wow, thousands of drunk
dads and their bored kids

under your total control.

You can make them
do anything you want.

Well, not anything.

Actually, there are
pretty strict rules about...

Hey, stop that!

What have you done?

95? What have you done?

And by all means, do more.

Oh, my God.

Can this be happening?

A hundred! I finally got 100!

It's the most noise
there can ever be.

Kid, I don't know who you
are or where you came from,

but you made magic today.

You showed this set-in-his-ways

old Jumbotron operator

that there's a beautiful
chaos in this job

I never dreamed existed.

You're all right.

And you're easily won over.

Kid turns our house
upside down in one night.

Who the hell am I?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, my God, have you heard?

The man we thought
was Dr. Taylor

was actually his murderous twin.

And last night, he proposed!

Not today, Tracey.

Why are we not
treating any patients?

Where's my staff?

Who's ready to find out

which of my three
co-worker lovers

is the father of my child?

Enough!

No more romance.
No more intrigue.

The next person who does
anything dramatic is fired.

And if you don't
like it, you can

eat my shorts!

We'll be much more
professional, ma'am.

Maybe the sex closet

could be a supply closet?

And the sex-mobile
could be an ambulance.

"Eat my shorts."

Still don't know what it
means, but it really works.

Hey, Jitters. What
you working on?

I'm doing a diorama

on the history of homework.

Did you know that
in ancient Assyria,

novice scribes had to get...

Oh, it's Friday, nerd.

Put down the
tweezers and live a little.

W-wait, let me just
finish the detailing

on this Trapper
Keeper because then I...

When I need to
relax, I like to watch

a little Itchy and Scratchy.

Yeah, I've seen the lunch boxes.

It's not for me.

You'll love it.

It's about a cat and a mouse

trying to kill each other.

You know... the human experience.

Have you ever heard
Lisa make that sound?

I've heard her laugh before,

but it's always been
ironic. Or sarcastic.

Or dubiously polite and
just a little bit put-upon.

But never that.

-Aw. -Aw.

Once again, cartoon
violence and mental health

go hand in hand.

So, how late did
you two crazy kids

stay up watching cartoons?

I don't know, but
all the ads on TV

were about calling women

who couldn't wait to
talk to us right now.

I'm glad you had fun.

Well, that's odd.

Maggie never liked
that book before.

I zazzed it up for her.

Oh, you wrote
Maggie into the story.

What a special
little guy you are.

Eh, no way. I just
wanted to deface a book.

Sure you did.

Morning, folks.

Why'd you break down our door?

Oh, we do that for everyone now.

So, good news.

I'm taking Bart away forever.

Oh. So you figured
out where he's from?

No, but I went to
the courthouse,

and one of those, uh, uh,

robe-and-gavel guys
said to dump him

at the Springfield Maximum
Security Orphanage.

Uh, it used to be a
prison, but don't worry.

None of the old
guards lost their jobs.

You know, we could hang
on to Bart for a little while,

if you want to keep
working on his case.

No, thank you.

Oh, hey, don't worry about it.

I knew this was
a short-term gig,

and I'll always have
something to remember you by.

Why you little...

Adios, losers.

Next time you see
a mouse kill a cat

in a way you never thought
possible, think of me.

I will.

Bart! Come back!

We like you. God
help us, we like you.

We like you so much.

Stop!

Don't take him!

You're still here.

My beautiful, wonderful boy

is still here.

Ow.

What the hell? Get off.

I'm sorry, son.

We just couldn't wait
to tell you something.

We like you.

We like our son so much.

We just realized.

Mm, I like you guys, too.

Wait. What do you
mean, you just realized?

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Come back down the
staircase, Ralphie, school's over.

It's time to go home.

Willie's locking up
in five, you know.

Yeah, I heard you
the first ten times.

Just put down the purple crayon.

No... Ah-ah, don't draw a boat.

Ra... No boat, Ralph...

Don't... Don... Well,
don't get in the boat.

You don't know
where the river goes to.

- Ralphie. Ralphie!
- Whee!