The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 34, Episode 13 - Episode #34.13 - full transcript
Huh?
Stupid old couch.
Aah! What the...
Hmm.
I always wondered
what was down here.
You weren't worth
the trouble up there,
and you aren't worth
the trouble down here.
- Homer.
- Huh?
It's me, kiddo.
The Mick.
My Mickey Mantle rookie card.
The greatest
treasure of my youth.
I'm still in mint condition.
- Huh?
- Do you know how rare...
- Aah!
- Mm.
My Rubik's Cube!
The greatest
treasure of my youth.
Let's see here.
No-good pile of garbage!
Not the
first time I've heard that.
Ha!
I know that voice.
ALF. Oh, ALF, you
were canceled too soon.
No, Homer, I was canceled
at exactly the right time.
Homer.
Homer, where are you?
Darn. I guess I should go.
Go? Ha!
You're part of the couch now.
Part of the couch.
- Aah!
- The key to solving me is patience.
Never!
What is this thread?
This couch is falling apart.
Hmm.
Whoa.
Home again, safe and sound.
Hey, knock it off.
Aah!
It's a fire!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
At the Flanders'.
Flanders? Go back to sleep.
Ned, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Guess God just loves to test me.
Oh, look, here comes a truck.
Lord, thank you for this
tree that I'm about to hit.
I found a pregnancy test.
Yay!
How you doin'?
Ned Flanders, is
everything okay?
Well, let's just
say I may be okily,
but I'm definitely not dokily.
Aw. Dang it.
You've got to
tell someone what's wrong.
Maybe we can discuss
it right now over cocoa.
Sure. Just let me get the mail.
Aah!
Do you ever
question your life, Marge?
You ever say, "What's
the point of going to church
this Tuesday?"
- What?
- Sorry, sorry.
I've been going
through a lot of stress.
Losing my hair
where it counts most.
A postiche.
That's right. It
converts to eyebrows.
It all started back when I
was briefly Bart's teacher.
You were Bart's teacher?
Oh, yes, I was.
You can look it up.
C, A, D, F, 12.
Those were his grades
and the days he was absent.
C, A, D, F, 12.
Geez, I really
don't recall that.
Well, that job meant
something to me.
It-it-it truly did.
Anyway, one day...
This was right before
the Supreme Court
ignored the Constitution
and blessedly let God
back in the schools.
Class, with all the troubles
in the world today, uh,
I'd like you to pause
and take a moment
of silent contemplation.
Teacher, who should I pray to?
Don't say
Jesus. Don't say Jesus.
Jesus. Pray to Jesus.
Okay, pal, hold it right there.
This is a public school.
No trying to save sinners!
Uh, y-yes, sir.
Are you praying for
my soul right now?
- I am.
- That is the one and only thing
I can punish you for.
Get out!
Get out and stay out!
God loves you.
Nobody loves Willie!
I'd lost two wives, two jobs.
I desperately needed to hit
the pews and talk to the Lord,
but, uh, no such luck.
Then I saw a Catholic church.
Normally not a kneeler,
but, uh, beggars
can't be choosers.
Can I help you, my friend?
What brings you
here in such agita?
Oh, nothing you
haven't heard before.
Out of work. Single
father with two boys
full of mischief and mayhem.
Did you just blink?
No.
Maybe I could help you.
I'm always looking
for new opportunities.
I could be... What
do they call it...
Your angel investor.
My associates,
Mr. Rude and Dr. Jerkov.
- Whoa.
- Whoa! Look at me, I'm a doctor.
Now, what is it that you do?
I sell left-handed merchandise.
You don't say. I was
left-handed myself
until the nuns
beat it out of me.
Perhaps you and I could
go into business together.
I back your store and
you show your appreciation
at a later date.
This date may never come,
but, actually, it will.
And surprisingly soon.
Won't you accept help
from a sinister source?
Well, I...
"Sinister" meaning
"left-handed."
Well, sir, you seem
like a godly man,
and I'm a wee bit desperate.
Let me do my due
diligence and get back to you.
You do your due.
You went into
business with the Mob?
I googled him.
It said "legitimate business."
I never dreamed
the Internet would lie.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Flanders.
At first, it was too
good to be true.
Buy the scissors.
But I'm right-handed.
- How'd you like to be no-handed?
- Mm.
In my new
Leftorium, all was right.
And I did something
I hadn't done in, uh,
I don't know how long.
God help me, I smiled.
Flanders is in
trouble with the Mob.
Finally, he does something cool.
Ned, no offense, but how could
you get mixed up with Fat Tony?
I mean, that sounds
like something I would do.
You're right.
Homer is stupid, all right.
"PhD" is how he spells "food".
All right, I'm stupid.
That's enough.
Eh, it's funny.
It's true... I do trust
everyone I meet.
But I did ask some
probing questions.
Buona fortuna. Things are good?
Uh, little too good.
So, I must ask, uh,
are you a good fella?
A goodfella?
Indeed I am.
And I heard you're a wise guy.
Some call me such.
I have to run an errand.
Come with me.
You're a little light.
Take-a my hat.
Take-a my second hat.
Uh, take-a my bald wig.
Ooh, if I knew that
mobsters like Italian food,
I would have-a
stuck to the sushi.
I used to cut-uh the
fish and make-uh the rice
and serve-uh the fish
and chop-uh the thing.
They took me in
as one of their own.
- This guy.
- This guy.
No, this guy.
Am I right?
I used to be this guy.
We had some of the
most intimate and vague conversations
I've ever been a part of.
So, did that thing go
down with our friend?
If you replace "that
thing" with "ice pick,"
"our friend" with
"Benny the Barber"
and "down" with
"into his eyeball,"
you may have your answer.
Did I miss anything?
We've been talking
about a lot of murders.
Eh, I mean, nothing.
Something wrong, T?
Business difficulties.
Time for another IKEA run.
Want to talk about it?
You know, I will
talk about it. To you.
I have many operations.
One of those is,
um, selling medicine
to, um, patients on
the street, as it were.
Aw.
But a rival, shall we say,
pharmacist from New Jersey
is trying to put the
squeeze on me.
We may have to
go to the mattresses.
Well, a healthy night's
sleep is always important,
but I think you'd
feel a lot better
if you did a few exercises from
this, uh, self-esteem workbook.
Che diavolo!
See, you can pencil your way
out of your "maze of miseries,"
draw a little frowny
face for self-expression.
Come on, you know you wanna.
I don't wanna.
Yes, you do.
All right, all right, I'll
draw the freakin' frown.
What do you know.
I actually feel better.
You just gave
me the kiss of death.
And a pinch to grow an inch.
Then that
wonderful summer ended in a fall.
She walked in.
- What do you want?
- Hi.
I'm selling band candy and I
only need 2,000 more boxes
to go on a trip to Cincinnati
and then I'll be on my way.
No trouble.
Mr. Flanders?
Come with me.
You, the best man on our block,
accidentally joined
a criminal gang?
Criminals? Criminals?!
Oh, my God.
I see it all now.
Well, you've got
to get out of there.
So, Ned, who is this young
lady who has seen a lot
and possibly too much?
Just leave me alone,
Little Miss Busybody.
I find a place
where I'm welcome,
but you know what's best for me.
- I just meant...
- Well, maybe the real criminal
is the neighbor who borrows
my stuff and never returns it.
Your dad has my
garage door opener.
- Why?
- Okay. Geez.
Just trying to sell band candy.
Put me down for a dozen.
Now scoot.
Oh...
Um... My friend,
do you mind if I have a
word with you, uh, about, uh...
Hell?
Language. You
disrespect this photo,
which I believe to be my mother.
Well sir, I'll just come
right out and say it.
You, my friend,
are a rotten tomato.
Let me explain something to you.
You have aligned yourself
with a secretive organization
with many, many traditions
we are not proud of.
I know. You're Catholic.
You do not know.
You have joined
"this thing of ours."
What thing of yours?
You know the thing.
I don't know the thing.
You people are less direct
than a corkscrew.
What the...
No. Whackery?
Well, as I told the people
at Equinox health clubs,
no matter what I
signed, I want out.
Oh!
I'm afraid from our association
there is only one way out.
Just checking... Uh,
what floor are we on?
First.
I'll pay for the window!
So, for safety, I sent my
boys to their grandpawpaw.
And thank You, Lord, for
the macaroni and the cheese.
And God bless the little
strings on our bananas.
Oh, man, oh, man.
How did my family tree
get such square roots?
But as for me, I'm gonna
tough this out at home.
Okay. Time for plan B:
asylum at the Church.
Oh, dear God.
Papa just got himself
a new set of trains.
All right. Let's see
what we've got here.
I-I don't know, Lou.
That yellow tape clearly
says, "do not cross."
Uh, that doesn't
apply to cops, Chief.
I just want to know where
the hell is Ned Flanders.
Now, Flanders, in the
spirit of neighborliness,
you can hide in our
garage until, uh...
how does Thursday sound?
- Today's Thursday.
- You're welcome.
Poor Ned. At least my
kids are safe. Sort of.
- - Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.
So, tough day at work?
No chitchat.
Where is he?
- Where is who?
- You know who.
I'm just a stupid nobody who
doesn't have any Flanders.
I mean answers. I mean
answers about Flanders.
You can't choke me from behind
if I'm standing in front of you.
Ooh.
Oh.
My friend, if you know something
and withhold from us,
it will not go well.
Mmm.
What he means is...
Oh, crap,
my fingernails are too sharp!
Aah! I can't see!
Oh, you did good, Homer.
You didn't stop them, but
you made them very mad.
We got him now as long
as he don't look back.
With that fat neck?
Fuhgeddaboudit.
Oh, how many dinners
can this guy have?
He eats more than
Frankie Eats Too Much.
Our nicknames...
They're so judgmental.
Oh. Oh, God. Oh
God. Where's Ned?
I don't know. I came back
to bring him fresh towels
and he disappeared.
He wouldn't just leave
without drying himself off.
He wouldn't!
No Flanders!
And who knew fatso
had such a hot wife.
Eh, it's a sitcom thing.
King of Queens, Fred Flintstone,
Timmy and Lassie.
Such a beautiful dog.
Where the hell
would Flanders go?
Well, this would be a
good time for a prayer.
Let's see.
May I suggest a prayer from
the Klingon Language Bible?
Even I think this is idiotic.
Eh, good luck.
Why are you here?
Because, deep down, I believe
you are a good man, Fat Tony.
The... Well, that's not
your Christian name.
Let me call you... Anthony.
Anthony.
Mama used to call me that.
Mm-hmm. And a man
who loves his mother
as much as you
do can't be all bad.
Mommy.
And someone who bought
that much band candy
must have a very soft heart.
Maybe I like candy.
You are right.
I'm hard on the outside
and soft on the inside.
Like the world's most
murderous cannoli.
Knew it. Repeat after
me: I believe in God.
I believe in God.
The creator almighty.
The creator almighty.
Maker of Heaven and Earth.
Maker of Heaven and Earth!
And so on and so forth!
Now, take my hand
in loving friendship.
Okay, kill him.
- What?
- I'm sorry, Ned.
But this is the
business we've chosen.
Although you
were tricked into it.
That's on me.
Any last requests?
Eh, just one.
Can I remove my mustache?
I... I want to be
clean-shaven for the Lord.
He's wearin' a wire! Aah!
I told you to pat
down his schnozz!
This whole time, you've
been working for the G.
Not the whole time.
But once a certain young lady
pulled the wool from my eyes...
- I'd like to be a snitch.
- Okay.
But if things go south and
we have to pull you out,
you're gonna wind up
Mr. John Smith in Utah.
Oh, that's a dream
I've always had.
I loved you, man.
You didn't even
remember my birthday.
I sent you a card.
Belatedly.
- Flanders.
- Simpson.
I'm proud of you, man.
I can't believe
someone in this town
finally put that guy in jail.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong?
Well, I miss 'em a little.
That guy can really kiss.
Stupid Flanders,
you're a brave man.
I'm nothing special.
I take my shower in the dark
just like anybody else.
I can't believe it. Pushin'
books. And they're all Y.A.
The Fault in Our Stars.
Only one person dies
and they don't even get whacked.
I did like Divergent.
Lot of people get whacked.
This is gonna be one long
15-to-life.
Idiota!
Shh!
Stupid old couch.
Aah! What the...
Hmm.
I always wondered
what was down here.
You weren't worth
the trouble up there,
and you aren't worth
the trouble down here.
- Homer.
- Huh?
It's me, kiddo.
The Mick.
My Mickey Mantle rookie card.
The greatest
treasure of my youth.
I'm still in mint condition.
- Huh?
- Do you know how rare...
- Aah!
- Mm.
My Rubik's Cube!
The greatest
treasure of my youth.
Let's see here.
No-good pile of garbage!
Not the
first time I've heard that.
Ha!
I know that voice.
ALF. Oh, ALF, you
were canceled too soon.
No, Homer, I was canceled
at exactly the right time.
Homer.
Homer, where are you?
Darn. I guess I should go.
Go? Ha!
You're part of the couch now.
Part of the couch.
- Aah!
- The key to solving me is patience.
Never!
What is this thread?
This couch is falling apart.
Hmm.
Whoa.
Home again, safe and sound.
Hey, knock it off.
Aah!
It's a fire!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
At the Flanders'.
Flanders? Go back to sleep.
Ned, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Guess God just loves to test me.
Oh, look, here comes a truck.
Lord, thank you for this
tree that I'm about to hit.
I found a pregnancy test.
Yay!
How you doin'?
Ned Flanders, is
everything okay?
Well, let's just
say I may be okily,
but I'm definitely not dokily.
Aw. Dang it.
You've got to
tell someone what's wrong.
Maybe we can discuss
it right now over cocoa.
Sure. Just let me get the mail.
Aah!
Do you ever
question your life, Marge?
You ever say, "What's
the point of going to church
this Tuesday?"
- What?
- Sorry, sorry.
I've been going
through a lot of stress.
Losing my hair
where it counts most.
A postiche.
That's right. It
converts to eyebrows.
It all started back when I
was briefly Bart's teacher.
You were Bart's teacher?
Oh, yes, I was.
You can look it up.
C, A, D, F, 12.
Those were his grades
and the days he was absent.
C, A, D, F, 12.
Geez, I really
don't recall that.
Well, that job meant
something to me.
It-it-it truly did.
Anyway, one day...
This was right before
the Supreme Court
ignored the Constitution
and blessedly let God
back in the schools.
Class, with all the troubles
in the world today, uh,
I'd like you to pause
and take a moment
of silent contemplation.
Teacher, who should I pray to?
Don't say
Jesus. Don't say Jesus.
Jesus. Pray to Jesus.
Okay, pal, hold it right there.
This is a public school.
No trying to save sinners!
Uh, y-yes, sir.
Are you praying for
my soul right now?
- I am.
- That is the one and only thing
I can punish you for.
Get out!
Get out and stay out!
God loves you.
Nobody loves Willie!
I'd lost two wives, two jobs.
I desperately needed to hit
the pews and talk to the Lord,
but, uh, no such luck.
Then I saw a Catholic church.
Normally not a kneeler,
but, uh, beggars
can't be choosers.
Can I help you, my friend?
What brings you
here in such agita?
Oh, nothing you
haven't heard before.
Out of work. Single
father with two boys
full of mischief and mayhem.
Did you just blink?
No.
Maybe I could help you.
I'm always looking
for new opportunities.
I could be... What
do they call it...
Your angel investor.
My associates,
Mr. Rude and Dr. Jerkov.
- Whoa.
- Whoa! Look at me, I'm a doctor.
Now, what is it that you do?
I sell left-handed merchandise.
You don't say. I was
left-handed myself
until the nuns
beat it out of me.
Perhaps you and I could
go into business together.
I back your store and
you show your appreciation
at a later date.
This date may never come,
but, actually, it will.
And surprisingly soon.
Won't you accept help
from a sinister source?
Well, I...
"Sinister" meaning
"left-handed."
Well, sir, you seem
like a godly man,
and I'm a wee bit desperate.
Let me do my due
diligence and get back to you.
You do your due.
You went into
business with the Mob?
I googled him.
It said "legitimate business."
I never dreamed
the Internet would lie.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Flanders.
At first, it was too
good to be true.
Buy the scissors.
But I'm right-handed.
- How'd you like to be no-handed?
- Mm.
In my new
Leftorium, all was right.
And I did something
I hadn't done in, uh,
I don't know how long.
God help me, I smiled.
Flanders is in
trouble with the Mob.
Finally, he does something cool.
Ned, no offense, but how could
you get mixed up with Fat Tony?
I mean, that sounds
like something I would do.
You're right.
Homer is stupid, all right.
"PhD" is how he spells "food".
All right, I'm stupid.
That's enough.
Eh, it's funny.
It's true... I do trust
everyone I meet.
But I did ask some
probing questions.
Buona fortuna. Things are good?
Uh, little too good.
So, I must ask, uh,
are you a good fella?
A goodfella?
Indeed I am.
And I heard you're a wise guy.
Some call me such.
I have to run an errand.
Come with me.
You're a little light.
Take-a my hat.
Take-a my second hat.
Uh, take-a my bald wig.
Ooh, if I knew that
mobsters like Italian food,
I would have-a
stuck to the sushi.
I used to cut-uh the
fish and make-uh the rice
and serve-uh the fish
and chop-uh the thing.
They took me in
as one of their own.
- This guy.
- This guy.
No, this guy.
Am I right?
I used to be this guy.
We had some of the
most intimate and vague conversations
I've ever been a part of.
So, did that thing go
down with our friend?
If you replace "that
thing" with "ice pick,"
"our friend" with
"Benny the Barber"
and "down" with
"into his eyeball,"
you may have your answer.
Did I miss anything?
We've been talking
about a lot of murders.
Eh, I mean, nothing.
Something wrong, T?
Business difficulties.
Time for another IKEA run.
Want to talk about it?
You know, I will
talk about it. To you.
I have many operations.
One of those is,
um, selling medicine
to, um, patients on
the street, as it were.
Aw.
But a rival, shall we say,
pharmacist from New Jersey
is trying to put the
squeeze on me.
We may have to
go to the mattresses.
Well, a healthy night's
sleep is always important,
but I think you'd
feel a lot better
if you did a few exercises from
this, uh, self-esteem workbook.
Che diavolo!
See, you can pencil your way
out of your "maze of miseries,"
draw a little frowny
face for self-expression.
Come on, you know you wanna.
I don't wanna.
Yes, you do.
All right, all right, I'll
draw the freakin' frown.
What do you know.
I actually feel better.
You just gave
me the kiss of death.
And a pinch to grow an inch.
Then that
wonderful summer ended in a fall.
She walked in.
- What do you want?
- Hi.
I'm selling band candy and I
only need 2,000 more boxes
to go on a trip to Cincinnati
and then I'll be on my way.
No trouble.
Mr. Flanders?
Come with me.
You, the best man on our block,
accidentally joined
a criminal gang?
Criminals? Criminals?!
Oh, my God.
I see it all now.
Well, you've got
to get out of there.
So, Ned, who is this young
lady who has seen a lot
and possibly too much?
Just leave me alone,
Little Miss Busybody.
I find a place
where I'm welcome,
but you know what's best for me.
- I just meant...
- Well, maybe the real criminal
is the neighbor who borrows
my stuff and never returns it.
Your dad has my
garage door opener.
- Why?
- Okay. Geez.
Just trying to sell band candy.
Put me down for a dozen.
Now scoot.
Oh...
Um... My friend,
do you mind if I have a
word with you, uh, about, uh...
Hell?
Language. You
disrespect this photo,
which I believe to be my mother.
Well sir, I'll just come
right out and say it.
You, my friend,
are a rotten tomato.
Let me explain something to you.
You have aligned yourself
with a secretive organization
with many, many traditions
we are not proud of.
I know. You're Catholic.
You do not know.
You have joined
"this thing of ours."
What thing of yours?
You know the thing.
I don't know the thing.
You people are less direct
than a corkscrew.
What the...
No. Whackery?
Well, as I told the people
at Equinox health clubs,
no matter what I
signed, I want out.
Oh!
I'm afraid from our association
there is only one way out.
Just checking... Uh,
what floor are we on?
First.
I'll pay for the window!
So, for safety, I sent my
boys to their grandpawpaw.
And thank You, Lord, for
the macaroni and the cheese.
And God bless the little
strings on our bananas.
Oh, man, oh, man.
How did my family tree
get such square roots?
But as for me, I'm gonna
tough this out at home.
Okay. Time for plan B:
asylum at the Church.
Oh, dear God.
Papa just got himself
a new set of trains.
All right. Let's see
what we've got here.
I-I don't know, Lou.
That yellow tape clearly
says, "do not cross."
Uh, that doesn't
apply to cops, Chief.
I just want to know where
the hell is Ned Flanders.
Now, Flanders, in the
spirit of neighborliness,
you can hide in our
garage until, uh...
how does Thursday sound?
- Today's Thursday.
- You're welcome.
Poor Ned. At least my
kids are safe. Sort of.
- - Oh, yeah.
- Mmm.
So, tough day at work?
No chitchat.
Where is he?
- Where is who?
- You know who.
I'm just a stupid nobody who
doesn't have any Flanders.
I mean answers. I mean
answers about Flanders.
You can't choke me from behind
if I'm standing in front of you.
Ooh.
Oh.
My friend, if you know something
and withhold from us,
it will not go well.
Mmm.
What he means is...
Oh, crap,
my fingernails are too sharp!
Aah! I can't see!
Oh, you did good, Homer.
You didn't stop them, but
you made them very mad.
We got him now as long
as he don't look back.
With that fat neck?
Fuhgeddaboudit.
Oh, how many dinners
can this guy have?
He eats more than
Frankie Eats Too Much.
Our nicknames...
They're so judgmental.
Oh. Oh, God. Oh
God. Where's Ned?
I don't know. I came back
to bring him fresh towels
and he disappeared.
He wouldn't just leave
without drying himself off.
He wouldn't!
No Flanders!
And who knew fatso
had such a hot wife.
Eh, it's a sitcom thing.
King of Queens, Fred Flintstone,
Timmy and Lassie.
Such a beautiful dog.
Where the hell
would Flanders go?
Well, this would be a
good time for a prayer.
Let's see.
May I suggest a prayer from
the Klingon Language Bible?
Even I think this is idiotic.
Eh, good luck.
Why are you here?
Because, deep down, I believe
you are a good man, Fat Tony.
The... Well, that's not
your Christian name.
Let me call you... Anthony.
Anthony.
Mama used to call me that.
Mm-hmm. And a man
who loves his mother
as much as you
do can't be all bad.
Mommy.
And someone who bought
that much band candy
must have a very soft heart.
Maybe I like candy.
You are right.
I'm hard on the outside
and soft on the inside.
Like the world's most
murderous cannoli.
Knew it. Repeat after
me: I believe in God.
I believe in God.
The creator almighty.
The creator almighty.
Maker of Heaven and Earth.
Maker of Heaven and Earth!
And so on and so forth!
Now, take my hand
in loving friendship.
Okay, kill him.
- What?
- I'm sorry, Ned.
But this is the
business we've chosen.
Although you
were tricked into it.
That's on me.
Any last requests?
Eh, just one.
Can I remove my mustache?
I... I want to be
clean-shaven for the Lord.
He's wearin' a wire! Aah!
I told you to pat
down his schnozz!
This whole time, you've
been working for the G.
Not the whole time.
But once a certain young lady
pulled the wool from my eyes...
- I'd like to be a snitch.
- Okay.
But if things go south and
we have to pull you out,
you're gonna wind up
Mr. John Smith in Utah.
Oh, that's a dream
I've always had.
I loved you, man.
You didn't even
remember my birthday.
I sent you a card.
Belatedly.
- Flanders.
- Simpson.
I'm proud of you, man.
I can't believe
someone in this town
finally put that guy in jail.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong?
Well, I miss 'em a little.
That guy can really kiss.
Stupid Flanders,
you're a brave man.
I'm nothing special.
I take my shower in the dark
just like anybody else.
I can't believe it. Pushin'
books. And they're all Y.A.
The Fault in Our Stars.
Only one person dies
and they don't even get whacked.
I did like Divergent.
Lot of people get whacked.
This is gonna be one long
15-to-life.
Idiota!
Shh!