The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 33, Episode 8 - Portrait of a Lackey on Fire - full transcript
Smithers finds true love with a famous fashion designer, but this new relationship may destroy Springfield.
(woman yodeling)
♪ ♪
(yodeling stops)
♪ ♪
(crickets chirping)
♪ ♪
(puppies yipping)
Congratulations, sir--
it's eight puppies.
Four boys, three girls, and, uh,
one who would prefer
not to be labeled yet.
Excellent,
eight purebred puppies
descended from the
first litter
of Karl Friedrich Dobermann
himself.
Smithers, you're in charge
of their training.
Teach them all
the classic commands.
Sit, stay...
and bite striking workers
with your "wittle teefers."
Yes, Mr. Burns.
And you've allowed
the training dummies
to fall into terrible disrepair.
So I've ordered a new one.
Here he is now.
Um, I was told
there'd be a taco truck?
Don't worry, their adult teeth
haven't come in yet.
Just look out for
their much sharper baby teeth.
- (puppies snarling)
- (Homer shouting)
- (whimpers)
- Hmm. Hmm.
(snarls)
Ah, I guess
"Executive Kennel Supervisor"
is all I'll ever be
to Mr. Burns.
Nothing-- ow-- worse-- ow--
than not being respected--
ow--
at work! Ow!
♪ ♪
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow. (moans)
Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Ow.
- Aw!
- (snarling)
- (grunting)
(snarling)
Ah, the puppies are finally
murderous enough
to be doled out
to my rich and powerful allies
who need watchdogs.
Now to look through the pile
of bribes
and see who's begging
hard enough to earn a puppy.
Warren Buffett sent this box
of broken wooden pieces.
Sir, that's a puzzle.
(chuckles)
It certainly is a puzzle.
What's his game,
sending me these misshapen bits?
Uh, well, it's an activity
people do for fun.
With their friends.
Perhaps you and I could--
Perhaps you could
stop assuming familiarity
with your betters.
Now de-gunk the puppies' eyes!
(Smithers groans sadly)
(whimpering nearby)
Oh, if only I'd been born
in a litter of puppies,
then maybe someone
would love me.
(clears his throat)
Simpson!
(sniffles)
Come on, Mr. Smithers,
you don't have to be lonely.
You've totally got it going on.
You've got that bow tie
and those glasses
and that hunky nasal voice.
Oh, sadly, the Springfield
dating pool is
pretty bleak.
It's always guys
who don't want to commit,
or straight guys
who are going through a phase.
Disco Stu is
hetero-flexible. Ooh!
(sighs) I just want someone
to be there when I get home.
Someone who loves me
unconditionally.
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
It's the conditions
that'll kill ya.
Mr. Smithers, I'm gonna
find you a man-Marge.
Look at this guy--
he seems perfect!
That's me.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it is
a much younger picture.
Goodbye. Thank you for the oil.
I love it.
Excellent.
Well, that's the last
of the litter.
Oh, except for you.
You're no killer,
with those soft eyes
and kind disposition.
You've brought shame to
the very notion of inbreeding.
Go on, bite him.
Bite his doughy face.
(groans)
Who's gonna take you home?
I hope they find you a dictator
who's as sweet as you are.
Or...
how about a Fortune 500
fashion designer
who's already made a matching
suit for the puppy?
Good muscle tone, needy,
with a slight drooling problem.
Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
HOMER:
His last girlfriend was a boy?
Your last girlfriend was a boy?
(speaking in Mandarin)
(knocking)
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just...
Negotiating the sale
of excess Kilowatt hours
to a Chinese server farm.
And you got a very good deal.
Mm.
I also speak Mandarin.
I'm Michael de Graaf,
and I flew here from my villa
in Milan to claim this puppy.
I can offer Burns a priceless
Impressionist painting.
Mr. Burns' collection
could use a Manet...
Well, I've got a Monet and a guy
who can change O's to A's.
Mm, Mr. Burns would never know
the difference.
He hates art-- he just wants
to keep it out of museums.
But first I told him
you have some questions
about what the puppy's
looking for in a companion.
Well, uh, this is
an unusual Dobermann.
Uh, are you prepared
for a dog that's sweet,
maybe a little shy,
but just wants to give his heart
to someone who loves him?
He sounds
like a dream come true.
Okay, the puppy's yours,
Mr. de Graaf.
Please, it's Michael.
This calls for a celebration.
Are you free for dinner tonight?
I'm sorry?
You're talented,
smart as a whip,
and hot in a 1960s
Cape Canaveral kind of way.
I'd love to take you on a date.
Well, I'd love...
to say yes!
♪ ♪
I love this place!
It's so old school.
It reminds me of my childhood--
laminated menus,
fossilized Parmesan,
problematic murals.
- (Michael chuckles)
- Welcome-a to Luigi's.
Italiana food for everybody.
I put a-salt and a-pepper
on the table,
but for you,
such a handsome couple,
if you want-a pepper
and-a pepper,
hey, that's a-wonderful, too!
(both laugh)
Vintage vinyl.
Add some spikes to it,
and you've got half
of Vivienne Westwood's career.
(laughs)
Okay, that was a fake laugh.
I was afraid to admit I don't
know anything about fashion.
Oh, that's so refreshing.
People usually want
to date me to get into GQ,
meet Anna Wintour, or co-parent
Anderson Cooper's baby.
I guess that was
just Anderson Cooper.
Waylon, you are like
no one I've ever met.
(muttering in Italian)
Mamma, no!
God-a loves everybody!
(shouting in Italian)
But what about Uncle Benito
and the roommate
he always-a brings
to Easter supper?
(spits)
Mamma, no! Do not put
a hex on their ziti!
(both laughing)
♪ ♪
People like me should spend
more time in flyover country,
see what America's really like.
More like fly-around country.
Planes won't go near us
because of all the teens
with laser pointers.
(sighs) It's a shame
you have to leave tomorrow.
Oh, I'm canceling my flight.
Why?
Because it would be much harder
to fall in love with you
from Milan.
(shivering)
Homer, what happened?
I can feel it--
my fix-up is working.
I changed the destiny
of two human beings.
I am a gay matchmaking God!
What about some straight
matchmaking for us?
(scoffs)
I'm a God, not a miracle worker.
And he posted you
on his Instagram?
Cute caption? Gay couple emoji?
(gasps)
(singsongy):
I'm excited!
What was that?
Oh, just guy stuff.
Smithers was updating me
on his boyfriend.
- Boyfriend?
- Yeah, no big deal.
I kind of fixed Smithers up
with a dude I know.
Now they're going steady.
No big deal.
Wait, wait,
I just have one question.
Can I ask you
a thousand questions?
Sorry, Marge, late for work.
(birds chirping)
- Tell me everything!
- (shrieks)
Um, they've been dating
for six weeks or so.
You probably
don't even know him.
He's some fashion designer guy.
Michael de Graaf.
What?
Smithers is dating
Michael de Graaf,
the judge on seasons ten through
15 of America's Got Fabric?
He has my favorite catchphrase!
Now, that is avant-gorgeous.
Oh, my God, honey,
you got catchphrased.
And he's even more famous
for his savage zings.
I don't know.
It's a little Sex and the City.
If there were no sex
and the city was Milwaukee.
(chuckles)
They dress so bad in Milwaukee.
I assume.
Hmm?
(groans)
I have to meet Michael de Graaf!
Okay, okay. When they come back
from their trip.
Ooh, whisked off
by a billionaire.
How romantic. Where did they go?
Well, Smithers says they're
too young for Provincetown,
too monogamous for Fire Island
and you know
how Waylon gets in Palm Springs.
No, I don't!
I don't know anything!
Yeah, it's pretty sweet
to completely alter
the course of people's lives.
If it goes great, I'm a genius.
If it goes south,
I just turn off my phone.
Ah, a beautiful resort,
a turquoise ocean.
The only thing missing
is Christine Baranski
singing "Dancing Queen."
I thought you might say that.
("Dancing Queen" playing)
♪ Friday night
and the lights are low ♪
♪ Looking out
for a place to go ♪
Oh, my God!
How much did that cost?
Less than you might think.
- Oh, and I got you
something else.
- Oh.
I call it the Waylon.
Like you,
it's sophisticated yet playful,
as blue and sparkling
as your eyes.
Okay, I've got to go.
I'm helping a 13-year-old boy
come out to his parents.
To Jacksonville!
♪ Digging
the dancing queen...! ♪
(song ends)
(bird caws)
(panting)
Sorry I'm late, sir.
A-And sorry I wasn't available
this weekend.
Or last weekend. I was...
You were gone?
(chuckles)
Who cares? I figured it out.
These pieces are designed
to interlock.
But to what purpose?
Sir, it is a puzzle.
Not for long, man.
Monty Burns is on the case.
The obvious first step is
to sort every piece by weight.
- Waylon!
- (gasps)
Marge? Why are you
in the executive parking lot?
Who cares?
Tell me
all about Michael de Graaf!
(chuckles)
Well, Michael's kind of perfect.
Attentive,
treats me like an equal,
has never trap-doored
an entire Girl Scout troop
because they were out
of Thin Mints.
I mean, it's nice to finally be
in love with someone...
good.
I'm dying to meet him.
What if we threw you two
a party?
A party. That's what people do
when they finally have
something worth celebrating.
- Let's do it!
- Yes!
This makes me part
of your couple origin story.
I'm in!
(low, upbeat music plays)
Just what I always wanted
for him,
a handsome
billionaire boyfriend.
So happy.
(grunts)
Excuse me, Mr. de Graaf,
we love your wicked zingers
on the show.
Could you?
My pleasure.
Wow, it was so kind
of Estelle Getty
to donate her wardrobe for
your production of The Crucible.
(laughs)
Hello and welcome
to Grey Gardens.
At least
those ladies had a look.
You have a "don't look."
(laughing)
Do you like my top?
Yes, I love the shoulder pads.
Is something I would have said
in the '90s but not about that.
Do you like my top?
Yes. He seems very nice.
Is it wrong
to enjoy being envied?
Because I am savoring it.
When did you first realize
that Homer was the one,
the great love of your life?
Well, after he got me pregnant,
I just knew he was someone
I was gonna have kids with.
Aw. Mwah.
Young lady, I like
your quirky fashion sense.
That zigzag dress hem
is everything.
Thanks, but I don't
really pay attention to fashion.
It doesn't seem...
super important.
I'd like to suggest
some alterations. May I?
I mean, it's a waste
of your time, but fine.
Wearing the same thing
every day is a choice,
so I can free up my mind
to think about important things,
rather than "Am I on trend?"
Ha, whatever that means.
You know who didn't care
about fashion?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
She slapped on a doily
and that was enough.
This obsession with appearance
in our culture...
Did you make me taller?
I feel so confident.
I don't even have a job, but
I'm going to ask for a raise.
(grunts)
A toast to our hosts.
And to Marge's hair,
which is avant-gorgeous.
(chuckles)
Oh!
And I want you to be
the first to hear--
I've decided to manufacture
my new retail line
right here in Springfield,
in the factory that used
to make fidget spinners.
Spin-ners!
And if anyone needs a job,
there are applications
right next to the best coleslaw
I've ever had.
MARGE:
Ooh-hoo!
(cheering)
(grumbles)
Mamma, everyone is-a happy.
Why are you so against
this-a love? Why?
I hate...
because I hate-a myself!
I... I love-a the women.
No, Mamma, you are beautiful.
You love-a the women,
and I love-a the you.
(both crying)
I had a pillow
of-a Gina Lollobrigida
that I used to, oh...
(speaking Italian)
Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, Mamma!
(gasps) Look,
it's Michael's new factory!
So modern.
Can we look inside?
Yeah, do you know anybody
that works there?
Ha, well, they hired
most of the desperate saps
who've been unemployed forever.
So, yeah,
I'm friends with all of 'em.
This week's trend
is glitter on sunglasses.
So we got right on it.
(coughs)
What happens
to all the toxic stuff?
It gets off-glittered
through the chimney.
(geese honking)
(distressed honking)
Hey, look at me,
I'm a working stiff!
Very stiff. These chemicals
are giving me a condition
my doctor calls
"living rigor mortis."
(yells)
No wonder fast fashion
is so inexpensive.
This place is terrible
for the environment.
And it's a sweatshop!
No, sweetie,
it's a sweatpants shop.
Which are made with Lycra,
which leaches into the sea.
Our oceans
are now ten percent spandex.
Well, then they'll fit the Earth
more snugly.
Dad, how can Michael allow this?
I thought gay people were
supposed to be better than us.
You mean our boss?
He knows.
♪ ♪
No. Michael's the perfect guy
for Smithers.
I picked him out!
I fixed them up!
My gay matchmaking reputation
is ruined!
The human suffering is bad, too.
(sighs) How do I tell Smithers
that the love of his life
is running a sweatshop?
Hey, look,
you tried to play God,
and now, like God,
you get to stand back and laugh
at all the losers' suffering.
Ha-ha.
Ah, losers.
Oh, who knew gay relationships
could be complicated?
(men moaning)
Man, tough day on the line.
Another guy lost an arm
to the spaghetti strap slicer.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
I think I spent too much time
in the tie-dye chamber.
(coughs)
You think that's bad?
I got to go break a guy's heart.
There he is!
The man who showed me
that love is real
and there is a man
at the end of the rainbow.
Oof. Speaking of showing you
things you didn't know,
look what his factory's done
to Lake Springfield.
Wha...? (gasps)
HOMER:
It's gone plaid.
(groans) M-Michael
must have an explanation.
He-He's a good man.
Uh, I just need advice
from someone who understands
the ethical challenges
faced by business leaders.
Smithers,
I've made amazing progress.
By giving this enigma
my undivided attention,
I've proven conclusively
these pieces form...
a secret image.
I can't believe
I'm asking you this,
but I-I have a question about,
uh...
my love life.
Indeed.
Tell me about the lucky lady.
- Man.
- Oh. What's her...
- His.
- ...name?
- Michael.
- Michelle. Such a lovely name.
And, uh, what does she...
- He.
- ...do?
Well, that's just it, sir.
He's the CEO of a major company.
He's wonderful to me,
but I-I'm worried
he might ruthlessly care
about nothing but profit.
Ooh, don't tell me,
is it Sheryl Sandberg?
No, it's Michael de Graaf.
Michael de Graaf?
Smithers, you fool.
Marry that man right now.
- What?
- So you have to pretend
to be gay-- who cares?
He's a billionaire.
Come, you must see.
SMITHERS:
A denim fire?
De Graaf's discovered
the secret.
Fast fashion is far more toxic
than nuclear power.
- It's worse?
- Nuclear energy gives people
warmth and light.
This guy is profiting
off a product nobody needs:
a constant stream
of brand-new skinnied jeans
and be-cropped tops.
Look what they've done
to Blinky.
Our toxins may have created
the three-eyed fish,
but we never managed to kill it.
You've got yourself
one hell of a guy.
Don't let him slip away.
(explosion)
(gasps) I always thought
a Chernobyl in Springfield
would be caused
by my horrible boss,
not my perfect boyfriend.
♪ ♪
Something's clogging the engine!
My God, it's loungewear.
Loungewear!
Michael, your factory
is literally a toxic workplace.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I've got an amazing
crisis management company.
They're the ones
who squelched the story
that Peloton seats
are made from dolphin faces.
- (explosion)
- (yells)
- If I'm making clothes
for Tommy Target
and Wendy Walmart,
they have to be cheap.
Because in fast fashion,
whoever cuts
the most corners wins.
(cries) I can't believe
I fell in love with a monster.
Really? It seems to me that you
have a pretty consistent type.
Ah.
- (explosion)
- Exquisite.
Is that acid?
No, molten sports bra.
Waylon, you deserve
Milan, Paris,
at the very least,
a town with a Chipotle.
I love that you care
about what's right,
but, for once,
do what's right for you.
Come away with me and be adored.
(sighs)
Adored would be a nice change.
To seeing the best in each other
and ignoring everything else.
I'll drink to that.
- (yaps)
- Ooh! Idiot!
These pants are made of cashmere
and shredded Picassos.
(whimpers)
(whimpers)
♪ ♪
Buck up, pal.
Beautiful jet-setting
gay billionaires
are a dime a dozen in this town.
(sighs) It's gonna take
some time to get over Michael.
But I did get one thing out
of the relationship.
Someone to be there
when I come home,
who will love me
unconditionally.
(chuckles softly)
You're the one hound
I'll never release.
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
The last piece. You will reveal
your secrets to me.
Good Lord! All this time,
it was a hot-air balloon!
Yes, sir, just like the picture
on the box.
There was a picture? Well, that
could have saved me months!
Oh, well. Now I can get back
to crushing unions,
fouling the air
and garbaging the Pacific.
(stammers)
Sir, before you do that,
maybe you'd like to try
another puzzle?
This one's a little harder.
It's a hundred pieces, and, uh,
two of the unicorns
look pretty similar.
Clear my calendar!
Lock the door!
Turn up the Wagner.
("Ride of the Valkyries"
playing)
Shh!
♪ ♪
(yodeling stops)
♪ ♪
(crickets chirping)
♪ ♪
(puppies yipping)
Congratulations, sir--
it's eight puppies.
Four boys, three girls, and, uh,
one who would prefer
not to be labeled yet.
Excellent,
eight purebred puppies
descended from the
first litter
of Karl Friedrich Dobermann
himself.
Smithers, you're in charge
of their training.
Teach them all
the classic commands.
Sit, stay...
and bite striking workers
with your "wittle teefers."
Yes, Mr. Burns.
And you've allowed
the training dummies
to fall into terrible disrepair.
So I've ordered a new one.
Here he is now.
Um, I was told
there'd be a taco truck?
Don't worry, their adult teeth
haven't come in yet.
Just look out for
their much sharper baby teeth.
- (puppies snarling)
- (Homer shouting)
- (whimpers)
- Hmm. Hmm.
(snarls)
Ah, I guess
"Executive Kennel Supervisor"
is all I'll ever be
to Mr. Burns.
Nothing-- ow-- worse-- ow--
than not being respected--
ow--
at work! Ow!
♪ ♪
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow. (moans)
Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Ow.
- Aw!
- (snarling)
- (grunting)
(snarling)
Ah, the puppies are finally
murderous enough
to be doled out
to my rich and powerful allies
who need watchdogs.
Now to look through the pile
of bribes
and see who's begging
hard enough to earn a puppy.
Warren Buffett sent this box
of broken wooden pieces.
Sir, that's a puzzle.
(chuckles)
It certainly is a puzzle.
What's his game,
sending me these misshapen bits?
Uh, well, it's an activity
people do for fun.
With their friends.
Perhaps you and I could--
Perhaps you could
stop assuming familiarity
with your betters.
Now de-gunk the puppies' eyes!
(Smithers groans sadly)
(whimpering nearby)
Oh, if only I'd been born
in a litter of puppies,
then maybe someone
would love me.
(clears his throat)
Simpson!
(sniffles)
Come on, Mr. Smithers,
you don't have to be lonely.
You've totally got it going on.
You've got that bow tie
and those glasses
and that hunky nasal voice.
Oh, sadly, the Springfield
dating pool is
pretty bleak.
It's always guys
who don't want to commit,
or straight guys
who are going through a phase.
Disco Stu is
hetero-flexible. Ooh!
(sighs) I just want someone
to be there when I get home.
Someone who loves me
unconditionally.
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
It's the conditions
that'll kill ya.
Mr. Smithers, I'm gonna
find you a man-Marge.
Look at this guy--
he seems perfect!
That's me.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it is
a much younger picture.
Goodbye. Thank you for the oil.
I love it.
Excellent.
Well, that's the last
of the litter.
Oh, except for you.
You're no killer,
with those soft eyes
and kind disposition.
You've brought shame to
the very notion of inbreeding.
Go on, bite him.
Bite his doughy face.
(groans)
Who's gonna take you home?
I hope they find you a dictator
who's as sweet as you are.
Or...
how about a Fortune 500
fashion designer
who's already made a matching
suit for the puppy?
Good muscle tone, needy,
with a slight drooling problem.
Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
HOMER:
His last girlfriend was a boy?
Your last girlfriend was a boy?
(speaking in Mandarin)
(knocking)
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just...
Negotiating the sale
of excess Kilowatt hours
to a Chinese server farm.
And you got a very good deal.
Mm.
I also speak Mandarin.
I'm Michael de Graaf,
and I flew here from my villa
in Milan to claim this puppy.
I can offer Burns a priceless
Impressionist painting.
Mr. Burns' collection
could use a Manet...
Well, I've got a Monet and a guy
who can change O's to A's.
Mm, Mr. Burns would never know
the difference.
He hates art-- he just wants
to keep it out of museums.
But first I told him
you have some questions
about what the puppy's
looking for in a companion.
Well, uh, this is
an unusual Dobermann.
Uh, are you prepared
for a dog that's sweet,
maybe a little shy,
but just wants to give his heart
to someone who loves him?
He sounds
like a dream come true.
Okay, the puppy's yours,
Mr. de Graaf.
Please, it's Michael.
This calls for a celebration.
Are you free for dinner tonight?
I'm sorry?
You're talented,
smart as a whip,
and hot in a 1960s
Cape Canaveral kind of way.
I'd love to take you on a date.
Well, I'd love...
to say yes!
♪ ♪
I love this place!
It's so old school.
It reminds me of my childhood--
laminated menus,
fossilized Parmesan,
problematic murals.
- (Michael chuckles)
- Welcome-a to Luigi's.
Italiana food for everybody.
I put a-salt and a-pepper
on the table,
but for you,
such a handsome couple,
if you want-a pepper
and-a pepper,
hey, that's a-wonderful, too!
(both laugh)
Vintage vinyl.
Add some spikes to it,
and you've got half
of Vivienne Westwood's career.
(laughs)
Okay, that was a fake laugh.
I was afraid to admit I don't
know anything about fashion.
Oh, that's so refreshing.
People usually want
to date me to get into GQ,
meet Anna Wintour, or co-parent
Anderson Cooper's baby.
I guess that was
just Anderson Cooper.
Waylon, you are like
no one I've ever met.
(muttering in Italian)
Mamma, no!
God-a loves everybody!
(shouting in Italian)
But what about Uncle Benito
and the roommate
he always-a brings
to Easter supper?
(spits)
Mamma, no! Do not put
a hex on their ziti!
(both laughing)
♪ ♪
People like me should spend
more time in flyover country,
see what America's really like.
More like fly-around country.
Planes won't go near us
because of all the teens
with laser pointers.
(sighs) It's a shame
you have to leave tomorrow.
Oh, I'm canceling my flight.
Why?
Because it would be much harder
to fall in love with you
from Milan.
(shivering)
Homer, what happened?
I can feel it--
my fix-up is working.
I changed the destiny
of two human beings.
I am a gay matchmaking God!
What about some straight
matchmaking for us?
(scoffs)
I'm a God, not a miracle worker.
And he posted you
on his Instagram?
Cute caption? Gay couple emoji?
(gasps)
(singsongy):
I'm excited!
What was that?
Oh, just guy stuff.
Smithers was updating me
on his boyfriend.
- Boyfriend?
- Yeah, no big deal.
I kind of fixed Smithers up
with a dude I know.
Now they're going steady.
No big deal.
Wait, wait,
I just have one question.
Can I ask you
a thousand questions?
Sorry, Marge, late for work.
(birds chirping)
- Tell me everything!
- (shrieks)
Um, they've been dating
for six weeks or so.
You probably
don't even know him.
He's some fashion designer guy.
Michael de Graaf.
What?
Smithers is dating
Michael de Graaf,
the judge on seasons ten through
15 of America's Got Fabric?
He has my favorite catchphrase!
Now, that is avant-gorgeous.
Oh, my God, honey,
you got catchphrased.
And he's even more famous
for his savage zings.
I don't know.
It's a little Sex and the City.
If there were no sex
and the city was Milwaukee.
(chuckles)
They dress so bad in Milwaukee.
I assume.
Hmm?
(groans)
I have to meet Michael de Graaf!
Okay, okay. When they come back
from their trip.
Ooh, whisked off
by a billionaire.
How romantic. Where did they go?
Well, Smithers says they're
too young for Provincetown,
too monogamous for Fire Island
and you know
how Waylon gets in Palm Springs.
No, I don't!
I don't know anything!
Yeah, it's pretty sweet
to completely alter
the course of people's lives.
If it goes great, I'm a genius.
If it goes south,
I just turn off my phone.
Ah, a beautiful resort,
a turquoise ocean.
The only thing missing
is Christine Baranski
singing "Dancing Queen."
I thought you might say that.
("Dancing Queen" playing)
♪ Friday night
and the lights are low ♪
♪ Looking out
for a place to go ♪
Oh, my God!
How much did that cost?
Less than you might think.
- Oh, and I got you
something else.
- Oh.
I call it the Waylon.
Like you,
it's sophisticated yet playful,
as blue and sparkling
as your eyes.
Okay, I've got to go.
I'm helping a 13-year-old boy
come out to his parents.
To Jacksonville!
♪ Digging
the dancing queen...! ♪
(song ends)
(bird caws)
(panting)
Sorry I'm late, sir.
A-And sorry I wasn't available
this weekend.
Or last weekend. I was...
You were gone?
(chuckles)
Who cares? I figured it out.
These pieces are designed
to interlock.
But to what purpose?
Sir, it is a puzzle.
Not for long, man.
Monty Burns is on the case.
The obvious first step is
to sort every piece by weight.
- Waylon!
- (gasps)
Marge? Why are you
in the executive parking lot?
Who cares?
Tell me
all about Michael de Graaf!
(chuckles)
Well, Michael's kind of perfect.
Attentive,
treats me like an equal,
has never trap-doored
an entire Girl Scout troop
because they were out
of Thin Mints.
I mean, it's nice to finally be
in love with someone...
good.
I'm dying to meet him.
What if we threw you two
a party?
A party. That's what people do
when they finally have
something worth celebrating.
- Let's do it!
- Yes!
This makes me part
of your couple origin story.
I'm in!
(low, upbeat music plays)
Just what I always wanted
for him,
a handsome
billionaire boyfriend.
So happy.
(grunts)
Excuse me, Mr. de Graaf,
we love your wicked zingers
on the show.
Could you?
My pleasure.
Wow, it was so kind
of Estelle Getty
to donate her wardrobe for
your production of The Crucible.
(laughs)
Hello and welcome
to Grey Gardens.
At least
those ladies had a look.
You have a "don't look."
(laughing)
Do you like my top?
Yes, I love the shoulder pads.
Is something I would have said
in the '90s but not about that.
Do you like my top?
Yes. He seems very nice.
Is it wrong
to enjoy being envied?
Because I am savoring it.
When did you first realize
that Homer was the one,
the great love of your life?
Well, after he got me pregnant,
I just knew he was someone
I was gonna have kids with.
Aw. Mwah.
Young lady, I like
your quirky fashion sense.
That zigzag dress hem
is everything.
Thanks, but I don't
really pay attention to fashion.
It doesn't seem...
super important.
I'd like to suggest
some alterations. May I?
I mean, it's a waste
of your time, but fine.
Wearing the same thing
every day is a choice,
so I can free up my mind
to think about important things,
rather than "Am I on trend?"
Ha, whatever that means.
You know who didn't care
about fashion?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
She slapped on a doily
and that was enough.
This obsession with appearance
in our culture...
Did you make me taller?
I feel so confident.
I don't even have a job, but
I'm going to ask for a raise.
(grunts)
A toast to our hosts.
And to Marge's hair,
which is avant-gorgeous.
(chuckles)
Oh!
And I want you to be
the first to hear--
I've decided to manufacture
my new retail line
right here in Springfield,
in the factory that used
to make fidget spinners.
Spin-ners!
And if anyone needs a job,
there are applications
right next to the best coleslaw
I've ever had.
MARGE:
Ooh-hoo!
(cheering)
(grumbles)
Mamma, everyone is-a happy.
Why are you so against
this-a love? Why?
I hate...
because I hate-a myself!
I... I love-a the women.
No, Mamma, you are beautiful.
You love-a the women,
and I love-a the you.
(both crying)
I had a pillow
of-a Gina Lollobrigida
that I used to, oh...
(speaking Italian)
Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, Mamma!
(gasps) Look,
it's Michael's new factory!
So modern.
Can we look inside?
Yeah, do you know anybody
that works there?
Ha, well, they hired
most of the desperate saps
who've been unemployed forever.
So, yeah,
I'm friends with all of 'em.
This week's trend
is glitter on sunglasses.
So we got right on it.
(coughs)
What happens
to all the toxic stuff?
It gets off-glittered
through the chimney.
(geese honking)
(distressed honking)
Hey, look at me,
I'm a working stiff!
Very stiff. These chemicals
are giving me a condition
my doctor calls
"living rigor mortis."
(yells)
No wonder fast fashion
is so inexpensive.
This place is terrible
for the environment.
And it's a sweatshop!
No, sweetie,
it's a sweatpants shop.
Which are made with Lycra,
which leaches into the sea.
Our oceans
are now ten percent spandex.
Well, then they'll fit the Earth
more snugly.
Dad, how can Michael allow this?
I thought gay people were
supposed to be better than us.
You mean our boss?
He knows.
♪ ♪
No. Michael's the perfect guy
for Smithers.
I picked him out!
I fixed them up!
My gay matchmaking reputation
is ruined!
The human suffering is bad, too.
(sighs) How do I tell Smithers
that the love of his life
is running a sweatshop?
Hey, look,
you tried to play God,
and now, like God,
you get to stand back and laugh
at all the losers' suffering.
Ha-ha.
Ah, losers.
Oh, who knew gay relationships
could be complicated?
(men moaning)
Man, tough day on the line.
Another guy lost an arm
to the spaghetti strap slicer.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
I think I spent too much time
in the tie-dye chamber.
(coughs)
You think that's bad?
I got to go break a guy's heart.
There he is!
The man who showed me
that love is real
and there is a man
at the end of the rainbow.
Oof. Speaking of showing you
things you didn't know,
look what his factory's done
to Lake Springfield.
Wha...? (gasps)
HOMER:
It's gone plaid.
(groans) M-Michael
must have an explanation.
He-He's a good man.
Uh, I just need advice
from someone who understands
the ethical challenges
faced by business leaders.
Smithers,
I've made amazing progress.
By giving this enigma
my undivided attention,
I've proven conclusively
these pieces form...
a secret image.
I can't believe
I'm asking you this,
but I-I have a question about,
uh...
my love life.
Indeed.
Tell me about the lucky lady.
- Man.
- Oh. What's her...
- His.
- ...name?
- Michael.
- Michelle. Such a lovely name.
And, uh, what does she...
- He.
- ...do?
Well, that's just it, sir.
He's the CEO of a major company.
He's wonderful to me,
but I-I'm worried
he might ruthlessly care
about nothing but profit.
Ooh, don't tell me,
is it Sheryl Sandberg?
No, it's Michael de Graaf.
Michael de Graaf?
Smithers, you fool.
Marry that man right now.
- What?
- So you have to pretend
to be gay-- who cares?
He's a billionaire.
Come, you must see.
SMITHERS:
A denim fire?
De Graaf's discovered
the secret.
Fast fashion is far more toxic
than nuclear power.
- It's worse?
- Nuclear energy gives people
warmth and light.
This guy is profiting
off a product nobody needs:
a constant stream
of brand-new skinnied jeans
and be-cropped tops.
Look what they've done
to Blinky.
Our toxins may have created
the three-eyed fish,
but we never managed to kill it.
You've got yourself
one hell of a guy.
Don't let him slip away.
(explosion)
(gasps) I always thought
a Chernobyl in Springfield
would be caused
by my horrible boss,
not my perfect boyfriend.
♪ ♪
Something's clogging the engine!
My God, it's loungewear.
Loungewear!
Michael, your factory
is literally a toxic workplace.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I've got an amazing
crisis management company.
They're the ones
who squelched the story
that Peloton seats
are made from dolphin faces.
- (explosion)
- (yells)
- If I'm making clothes
for Tommy Target
and Wendy Walmart,
they have to be cheap.
Because in fast fashion,
whoever cuts
the most corners wins.
(cries) I can't believe
I fell in love with a monster.
Really? It seems to me that you
have a pretty consistent type.
Ah.
- (explosion)
- Exquisite.
Is that acid?
No, molten sports bra.
Waylon, you deserve
Milan, Paris,
at the very least,
a town with a Chipotle.
I love that you care
about what's right,
but, for once,
do what's right for you.
Come away with me and be adored.
(sighs)
Adored would be a nice change.
To seeing the best in each other
and ignoring everything else.
I'll drink to that.
- (yaps)
- Ooh! Idiot!
These pants are made of cashmere
and shredded Picassos.
(whimpers)
(whimpers)
♪ ♪
Buck up, pal.
Beautiful jet-setting
gay billionaires
are a dime a dozen in this town.
(sighs) It's gonna take
some time to get over Michael.
But I did get one thing out
of the relationship.
Someone to be there
when I come home,
who will love me
unconditionally.
(chuckles softly)
You're the one hound
I'll never release.
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
The last piece. You will reveal
your secrets to me.
Good Lord! All this time,
it was a hot-air balloon!
Yes, sir, just like the picture
on the box.
There was a picture? Well, that
could have saved me months!
Oh, well. Now I can get back
to crushing unions,
fouling the air
and garbaging the Pacific.
(stammers)
Sir, before you do that,
maybe you'd like to try
another puzzle?
This one's a little harder.
It's a hundred pieces, and, uh,
two of the unicorns
look pretty similar.
Clear my calendar!
Lock the door!
Turn up the Wagner.
("Ride of the Valkyries"
playing)
Shh!