The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 33, Episode 4 - The Wayz We Were - full transcript
Moe is faced with a difficult choice when Evergreen Terrace develops a traffic problem.
Welcome back, sir.
Oh, Artemis,
you wouldn't believe
what my customers
unloaded on me tonight.
Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,
crappy sports teams.
My ears are killin' me.
That's why the Confidential
is here,
to share your burden.
Just give me the usual, huh?
As if we served anything else.
To the Confidential,
the one bar where they
listen to the listeners.
Come on. We got to
get a seat in the front row.
If anything flies off the stage,
I want to be in the Stain Zone.
I'm sorry, Krusty,
but there's no way
we can seat this audience
until we round up all the escaped,
uh, you-know-whats.
Tough luck, kids.
The show's canceled.
I'm going down to the deli to
drown my sorrows in tongue.
What about this upside-down
exclamation mark show?
Upside down is funny.
Desde Downtown Springfield,
es ¡Noches con Abejorrito!
¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro!
¡No se duerman,
o les voy a picar!
Milhouse, you know
Spanish. What did he say?
Oh, it's a cultural thing.
You wouldn't get it. Estúpido.
Y luego, había un
escorpión en mis pantalones.
Pantalones.
¡Una visita de mi primito!
Eso significa que
es tiempo de jugar...
¡No... Te... 'splotes!
Presentado por la Monja Humilde,
la horchata más divina.
Hermanas, traigame
unos concursantes.
¡Ay, caramba!
It's a game. They fill
your mouth with horchata,
and if you don't
laugh, you win a prize!
¡O, Bebito Abuelito!
¿Cuáles son las
vacas más perezosas?
¡Las vacaciones!
¡Nuestro ganador!
Pick your prize!
Grandpa Baby, this is the
easiest choice I've ever made.
Look what I won
on Spanish Krusty!
Oh, my God.
That is not just
any crystal skull.
It's Calavera Gritando!
That tequila's so authentic
that it inspired George Clooney
to make his own
semi-authentic tequila.
Wait, my skull is full of booze?
That's why it has a screw cap.
Bart, you've got
to give it to me.
I've always wanted to drink
something fancy enough
to come in a bottle that
doesn't look like a bottle.
Nah. I think I'm gonna save it.
For high school.
Come on. Gimme that!
Bart won that
skull full of tequila.
He can do whatever
he wants with it,
except drink the tequila.
Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.
Huh?
Coming up
now, we got a special dedication
to Homer S. from his son Bart.
I like how there are
no lyrics to upset me.
D'oh!
Isn't that your dad?
No.
I may not speak Spanish,
but I know when an imaginary
talking skull is mocking me.
Gentlemen,
I give you Calavera Gritando!
Whoa, a crystal skull.
Like from my least favorite
Indiana Jones movie
and most favorite
Shia LaBeouf movie.
Okay, this booze is so classy,
I'm finally breaking out
my commemorative Iran
hostage crisis shot glasses.
Look at these guys.
Now, those were hostages.
Hey, Moe, why don't you
pour yourself one for a change?
Me? Nah, nah, that's okay.
The pouring is
enough of a thrill.
Come on. You're always
on that side of the bar.
At least come over
here and take a load off.
Well, maybe it
wouldn't hurt none.
So this is sittin'.
You know, Moe, all these years,
we've never seen you drink.
Well, you know, a bartender
ain't supposed to
drink with his regulars.
It's frowned upon.
By whom?
Not some secret society
that I go to every
night after closing time,
if that's what you're thinking.
Look, I'm just the schlub
that pours the booze.
That's all.
Moe, you're not
just our bartender.
You're our friend.
Friend? You mean that?
Well, maybe it's just my
relaxed butt cheeks talking,
but, uh, down the hatch!
Woof.
I haven't had anything
this expensive in my mouth
since my dad's gun.
Yeah. Go, Moe.
- Go, Moe.
- Now you got it.
I think you're pretty
cool, too, skull.
Oh, my head.
Oh, what a hangover.
Ah, that's actually
a little better.
Hmm.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Last night's
all coming back to me.
- Whoa! Yeah!
- Yay!
Let's go show the
world how much fun it is
when drunk guys
do stuff in public!
Baba-boo!
Excuse me, could you move?
My husband and I would
like to sit on this bench
and comment on how the
elephant seals are "living the life."
It's the only joke in
our entire marriage.
Oh, that's not what I hear.
The real joke is that you two
haven't pushed the
ole twin beds together
since before the election.
Of Obama.
To the Senate!
How'd you know about
their sexless marriage?
Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed
about it to her bartender,
who then told me.
Hey, wait, you
bartenders tell each other
the stuff we say in
drunken confidence?
Oh, we sure do.
Look what else I know.
You file your taxes
as one person.
You sell all your pets each
time you go on vacation.
Hey, you're two-timing us
by also being the
mayor of another town.
I swear, Greenview
means nothing to me.
Hey, I love hot goss
as much as the next guy,
but maybe you
shouldn't be spilling
- people's secrets.
- Secrets.
You mean like you not asking
anyone out on a date in years
because you're ashamed
of your wet spaghetti arms?
What woman could
feel held by these?
Or how you keep yammering
about your million-dollar invention?
File the patent
already, you coward.
Or how 'bout Barney over here?
Always going on about how
much you love your mother,
but you haven't
visited her in years.
She still thinks I
work at Autozone.
I can't tell her they fired me
for huffing floormat cleaner!
Moe, you've officially gone
from fun drunk to mean drunk.
You judging me?
You're the one who
said you're so scared
of being a lousy
father and husband
that you hide out at the bar
instead of going home
and actually tryin'.
You're worse than a mean drunk.
You're an honest drunk!
No! You guys are the drunks.
I am just wasted.
Baba-boo.
Okay, Moe.
You did what no bartender
ever should've done.
But maybe, just maybe,
they won't find out.
The Confidential.
They found out.
All right there, Kristof.
Time for me to
answer for my sins.
Lead the way.
Frickin' Kristof.
Yeah, so, I, uh...
I got your rat.
Look, I know I
screwed up, but that...
Since time immemorial,
bartenders have been the
cornerstone of civilization,
an eternal guild of listeners.
And so a paradox:
for to whom could bartenders
confide their secrets?
Thus was born the Confidential,
a hidden society of those
who listen to the listeners.
But this institution
will crumble to dust
if we do not obey
its first and only law...
"A bartender keeps his secrets!"
Look, Artemis, I know I
shouldn't have got wasted
and blabbed the unblabbable.
It's just, for once, I wanted to
have a drink with my friends.
A bartender has no friends!
Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed.
Surrender your key, sir.
Well, them's the rules, I guess.
It was nice being
part of a place
that was bigger than
me and also super weird.
Uh... What the...
The penalty for your offense is
far greater than mere expulsion.
Your friends, your
regulars are to be...
cut off.
Cut off?! No. No,
that's too horrible.
You can't do that to them!
You did this to them.
They have until
the clock strikes...
happy hour.
Tick, tock,
Mr. Szyslak. Tick, tock.
Guys, you're all
in danger! You...
Oh, sorry. I've never
been in your office before.
Any office, for that matter.
Yeesh. Now I get why
you all drink so much.
You've got a lot of
nerve coming here,
after what you said last night.
I know, I know, but
this is serious, okay?
Some very scary people are mad
for all that drunken
blabbing I did,
so you're being... cut off!
So what? You already
lost us as customers.
No, no, you don't
get it. Cut off.
Aah. There isn't much time,
but I'm gonna keep
being cagey about it.
Oh, wait a minute.
Where's Barney?
Barney doesn't work here.
Really? Seems like he would.
Yeah, that would lead to
some good stories, all right.
Hurry, call him. Call him!
Mm. Fine.
Well, if it isn't the
meanest drunk in town.
Barn, it's happy hour.
You got to lock your doors
and windows right away!
During the best time of
day for ocean breezes?
- No dice.
- Look out for the dapper gentleman!
Ow! Damn vampire bats!
What the hell was that?
He's been injected
with Antibooze...
A drug that makes it so
he can never drink again.
Antibooze? That
stuff isn't real.
Oh, it's real, and the
side effects are horrible,
unthinkable!
It starts with a
skull-splitting headache.
Then you got your
firehose sweating.
Rhinoceros pox.
And finally, hurricane vomiting.
He's been cut off.
And now they're coming for you.
If they catch ya, you can
never touch alcohol again.
No! No!
Wait. What about rum cakes
and other boozy desserts?
Never again.
No!
Run faster. Every bartender in
town is coming after youse guys.
All because I couldn't
keep my drunken trap shut!
Well, how many bartenders
could there be in Springfield?
How many people in this town
are miserable at work and at home?
Oh, my God.
You guys, get out of here!
I'll hold 'em off... with this.
Wow. He's like a ninja
with that crotch rag.
That disgusting towel is a blur!
This is no way to live.
Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs.
What are we supposed to do now?
If you ever want to drink again,
all you can do is get on
the next bus out of town
and never stop running.
Sounds like a plan.
Those poor bastards.
I must keen for them.
Forget it, Homer.
They're non-drinkers now.
Marge, pack what you
need and choose one kid.
We're leaving
Springfield forever.
That's ridiculous, Homie.
Look who dropped by for dinner.
Hello, Homer.
Dad, Dr. Hibbert
was just telling us
how he worked his way
through medical school.
I think you'd be interested
to hear how I did it.
- I would?
- Bartending.
Who wants mushroom caps?
I'm so sorry, Homer.
And Midge, your husband
can never drink again,
and it's all because of me.
Good morning, family.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
You sure I can't make you
some oatmeal with blueberries?
Not today, honey. I
promised to pick up coffee
for everyone on my team to
celebrate our record numbers.
You are so much more of a
go-getter since your promotion.
I love this new, sober you.
And I love any version of you.
Mmm, mmm.
Get a room!
Bart, I haven't forgotten about
your skateboard competition.
And don't worry, Lisa.
It'll be over in plenty of time
for me to be front and
center at your recital.
Ooh!
Well, off to the salt mines.
Well, this is a coincidence.
I haven't seen you
guys since, uh, you know.
Geez, it would've had to
have been the syringings?
Yeah, finally got in shape.
Not drinking all day every day
really freed up a lot of
time for me to work out.
And as soon as I filed my
patent, my start-up got funded.
Soon, everyone in America
will have their own personal
body-hair-shaving mini robot.
That's you?
I love my Groomba!
And I got my job
back at Autozone,
so I could finally face my ma.
He holds the big arrow
that says "Autozone."
Yeah, I guess we're
all doing pretty well.
You know who I heard ain't?
A certain bartender.
You won't believe
how low he's sunk.
It would be nice to
laugh at someone
living their lowest moment.
I asked for the ham in
my omelet to be diced.
This ham is clearly cubed.
Yes, ma'am. Uh,
right away, ma'am.
You flipped my omelet
too high in the air,
and it got cold on the descent.
My mistake, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
I wanted to see him low,
but not eggs-on-demand low.
I bet he doesn't even have
a shotgun under that bar.
Get out of here. You
can't see me like this.
Slingin' eggs in a well-lit,
non-dank environment.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
We're all saying it.
Even though we
can never drink again,
we still want you
as our bartender.
You... you mean it?
- Yeah. - We do.
- Mm-hmm.
From now on, you can spray
your own pans, America! Ha.
There you go,
fellas. Bottoms up.
To Moe, our friend.
Nah, nah, guys.
I'm something better.
Your bartender.
Who knew you could
drink water in a bar?
It's, uh, still watered down.
Good one, Moe.
Well, I have never seen
such a perfect distillation
of the human spirit.
A cocktail of humility
and self-sacrifice
with a dash of un-bitters.
Whoa, Artemis.
What are you doing here?
Such loyalty to a bartender
deserves a reward.
The antidote to Antibooze.
Now, think carefully, chaps.
Once injected, you will lose
all the benefits of sobriety.
Go away, Ma.
I'm sorry. I can't go back.
Sobriety has made me the man
I never thought I'd be.
Now I'm going home to my family.
Hmm?
Hey, Bart, isn't that
your stupid crystal skull?
Wasn't stupid.
It was my best friend.
Shh!
Oh, Artemis,
you wouldn't believe
what my customers
unloaded on me tonight.
Crappy marriages, crappy jobs,
crappy sports teams.
My ears are killin' me.
That's why the Confidential
is here,
to share your burden.
Just give me the usual, huh?
As if we served anything else.
To the Confidential,
the one bar where they
listen to the listeners.
Come on. We got to
get a seat in the front row.
If anything flies off the stage,
I want to be in the Stain Zone.
I'm sorry, Krusty,
but there's no way
we can seat this audience
until we round up all the escaped,
uh, you-know-whats.
Tough luck, kids.
The show's canceled.
I'm going down to the deli to
drown my sorrows in tongue.
What about this upside-down
exclamation mark show?
Upside down is funny.
Desde Downtown Springfield,
es ¡Noches con Abejorrito!
¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro!
¡No se duerman,
o les voy a picar!
Milhouse, you know
Spanish. What did he say?
Oh, it's a cultural thing.
You wouldn't get it. Estúpido.
Y luego, había un
escorpión en mis pantalones.
Pantalones.
¡Una visita de mi primito!
Eso significa que
es tiempo de jugar...
¡No... Te... 'splotes!
Presentado por la Monja Humilde,
la horchata más divina.
Hermanas, traigame
unos concursantes.
¡Ay, caramba!
It's a game. They fill
your mouth with horchata,
and if you don't
laugh, you win a prize!
¡O, Bebito Abuelito!
¿Cuáles son las
vacas más perezosas?
¡Las vacaciones!
¡Nuestro ganador!
Pick your prize!
Grandpa Baby, this is the
easiest choice I've ever made.
Look what I won
on Spanish Krusty!
Oh, my God.
That is not just
any crystal skull.
It's Calavera Gritando!
That tequila's so authentic
that it inspired George Clooney
to make his own
semi-authentic tequila.
Wait, my skull is full of booze?
That's why it has a screw cap.
Bart, you've got
to give it to me.
I've always wanted to drink
something fancy enough
to come in a bottle that
doesn't look like a bottle.
Nah. I think I'm gonna save it.
For high school.
Come on. Gimme that!
Bart won that
skull full of tequila.
He can do whatever
he wants with it,
except drink the tequila.
Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull.
Huh?
Coming up
now, we got a special dedication
to Homer S. from his son Bart.
I like how there are
no lyrics to upset me.
D'oh!
Isn't that your dad?
No.
I may not speak Spanish,
but I know when an imaginary
talking skull is mocking me.
Gentlemen,
I give you Calavera Gritando!
Whoa, a crystal skull.
Like from my least favorite
Indiana Jones movie
and most favorite
Shia LaBeouf movie.
Okay, this booze is so classy,
I'm finally breaking out
my commemorative Iran
hostage crisis shot glasses.
Look at these guys.
Now, those were hostages.
Hey, Moe, why don't you
pour yourself one for a change?
Me? Nah, nah, that's okay.
The pouring is
enough of a thrill.
Come on. You're always
on that side of the bar.
At least come over
here and take a load off.
Well, maybe it
wouldn't hurt none.
So this is sittin'.
You know, Moe, all these years,
we've never seen you drink.
Well, you know, a bartender
ain't supposed to
drink with his regulars.
It's frowned upon.
By whom?
Not some secret society
that I go to every
night after closing time,
if that's what you're thinking.
Look, I'm just the schlub
that pours the booze.
That's all.
Moe, you're not
just our bartender.
You're our friend.
Friend? You mean that?
Well, maybe it's just my
relaxed butt cheeks talking,
but, uh, down the hatch!
Woof.
I haven't had anything
this expensive in my mouth
since my dad's gun.
Yeah. Go, Moe.
- Go, Moe.
- Now you got it.
I think you're pretty
cool, too, skull.
Oh, my head.
Oh, what a hangover.
Ah, that's actually
a little better.
Hmm.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Last night's
all coming back to me.
- Whoa! Yeah!
- Yay!
Let's go show the
world how much fun it is
when drunk guys
do stuff in public!
Baba-boo!
Excuse me, could you move?
My husband and I would
like to sit on this bench
and comment on how the
elephant seals are "living the life."
It's the only joke in
our entire marriage.
Oh, that's not what I hear.
The real joke is that you two
haven't pushed the
ole twin beds together
since before the election.
Of Obama.
To the Senate!
How'd you know about
their sexless marriage?
Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed
about it to her bartender,
who then told me.
Hey, wait, you
bartenders tell each other
the stuff we say in
drunken confidence?
Oh, we sure do.
Look what else I know.
You file your taxes
as one person.
You sell all your pets each
time you go on vacation.
Hey, you're two-timing us
by also being the
mayor of another town.
I swear, Greenview
means nothing to me.
Hey, I love hot goss
as much as the next guy,
but maybe you
shouldn't be spilling
- people's secrets.
- Secrets.
You mean like you not asking
anyone out on a date in years
because you're ashamed
of your wet spaghetti arms?
What woman could
feel held by these?
Or how you keep yammering
about your million-dollar invention?
File the patent
already, you coward.
Or how 'bout Barney over here?
Always going on about how
much you love your mother,
but you haven't
visited her in years.
She still thinks I
work at Autozone.
I can't tell her they fired me
for huffing floormat cleaner!
Moe, you've officially gone
from fun drunk to mean drunk.
You judging me?
You're the one who
said you're so scared
of being a lousy
father and husband
that you hide out at the bar
instead of going home
and actually tryin'.
You're worse than a mean drunk.
You're an honest drunk!
No! You guys are the drunks.
I am just wasted.
Baba-boo.
Okay, Moe.
You did what no bartender
ever should've done.
But maybe, just maybe,
they won't find out.
The Confidential.
They found out.
All right there, Kristof.
Time for me to
answer for my sins.
Lead the way.
Frickin' Kristof.
Yeah, so, I, uh...
I got your rat.
Look, I know I
screwed up, but that...
Since time immemorial,
bartenders have been the
cornerstone of civilization,
an eternal guild of listeners.
And so a paradox:
for to whom could bartenders
confide their secrets?
Thus was born the Confidential,
a hidden society of those
who listen to the listeners.
But this institution
will crumble to dust
if we do not obey
its first and only law...
"A bartender keeps his secrets!"
Look, Artemis, I know I
shouldn't have got wasted
and blabbed the unblabbable.
It's just, for once, I wanted to
have a drink with my friends.
A bartender has no friends!
Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed.
Surrender your key, sir.
Well, them's the rules, I guess.
It was nice being
part of a place
that was bigger than
me and also super weird.
Uh... What the...
The penalty for your offense is
far greater than mere expulsion.
Your friends, your
regulars are to be...
cut off.
Cut off?! No. No,
that's too horrible.
You can't do that to them!
You did this to them.
They have until
the clock strikes...
happy hour.
Tick, tock,
Mr. Szyslak. Tick, tock.
Guys, you're all
in danger! You...
Oh, sorry. I've never
been in your office before.
Any office, for that matter.
Yeesh. Now I get why
you all drink so much.
You've got a lot of
nerve coming here,
after what you said last night.
I know, I know, but
this is serious, okay?
Some very scary people are mad
for all that drunken
blabbing I did,
so you're being... cut off!
So what? You already
lost us as customers.
No, no, you don't
get it. Cut off.
Aah. There isn't much time,
but I'm gonna keep
being cagey about it.
Oh, wait a minute.
Where's Barney?
Barney doesn't work here.
Really? Seems like he would.
Yeah, that would lead to
some good stories, all right.
Hurry, call him. Call him!
Mm. Fine.
Well, if it isn't the
meanest drunk in town.
Barn, it's happy hour.
You got to lock your doors
and windows right away!
During the best time of
day for ocean breezes?
- No dice.
- Look out for the dapper gentleman!
Ow! Damn vampire bats!
What the hell was that?
He's been injected
with Antibooze...
A drug that makes it so
he can never drink again.
Antibooze? That
stuff isn't real.
Oh, it's real, and the
side effects are horrible,
unthinkable!
It starts with a
skull-splitting headache.
Then you got your
firehose sweating.
Rhinoceros pox.
And finally, hurricane vomiting.
He's been cut off.
And now they're coming for you.
If they catch ya, you can
never touch alcohol again.
No! No!
Wait. What about rum cakes
and other boozy desserts?
Never again.
No!
Run faster. Every bartender in
town is coming after youse guys.
All because I couldn't
keep my drunken trap shut!
Well, how many bartenders
could there be in Springfield?
How many people in this town
are miserable at work and at home?
Oh, my God.
You guys, get out of here!
I'll hold 'em off... with this.
Wow. He's like a ninja
with that crotch rag.
That disgusting towel is a blur!
This is no way to live.
Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs.
What are we supposed to do now?
If you ever want to drink again,
all you can do is get on
the next bus out of town
and never stop running.
Sounds like a plan.
Those poor bastards.
I must keen for them.
Forget it, Homer.
They're non-drinkers now.
Marge, pack what you
need and choose one kid.
We're leaving
Springfield forever.
That's ridiculous, Homie.
Look who dropped by for dinner.
Hello, Homer.
Dad, Dr. Hibbert
was just telling us
how he worked his way
through medical school.
I think you'd be interested
to hear how I did it.
- I would?
- Bartending.
Who wants mushroom caps?
I'm so sorry, Homer.
And Midge, your husband
can never drink again,
and it's all because of me.
Good morning, family.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
You sure I can't make you
some oatmeal with blueberries?
Not today, honey. I
promised to pick up coffee
for everyone on my team to
celebrate our record numbers.
You are so much more of a
go-getter since your promotion.
I love this new, sober you.
And I love any version of you.
Mmm, mmm.
Get a room!
Bart, I haven't forgotten about
your skateboard competition.
And don't worry, Lisa.
It'll be over in plenty of time
for me to be front and
center at your recital.
Ooh!
Well, off to the salt mines.
Well, this is a coincidence.
I haven't seen you
guys since, uh, you know.
Geez, it would've had to
have been the syringings?
Yeah, finally got in shape.
Not drinking all day every day
really freed up a lot of
time for me to work out.
And as soon as I filed my
patent, my start-up got funded.
Soon, everyone in America
will have their own personal
body-hair-shaving mini robot.
That's you?
I love my Groomba!
And I got my job
back at Autozone,
so I could finally face my ma.
He holds the big arrow
that says "Autozone."
Yeah, I guess we're
all doing pretty well.
You know who I heard ain't?
A certain bartender.
You won't believe
how low he's sunk.
It would be nice to
laugh at someone
living their lowest moment.
I asked for the ham in
my omelet to be diced.
This ham is clearly cubed.
Yes, ma'am. Uh,
right away, ma'am.
You flipped my omelet
too high in the air,
and it got cold on the descent.
My mistake, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
I wanted to see him low,
but not eggs-on-demand low.
I bet he doesn't even have
a shotgun under that bar.
Get out of here. You
can't see me like this.
Slingin' eggs in a well-lit,
non-dank environment.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
We're all saying it.
Even though we
can never drink again,
we still want you
as our bartender.
You... you mean it?
- Yeah. - We do.
- Mm-hmm.
From now on, you can spray
your own pans, America! Ha.
There you go,
fellas. Bottoms up.
To Moe, our friend.
Nah, nah, guys.
I'm something better.
Your bartender.
Who knew you could
drink water in a bar?
It's, uh, still watered down.
Good one, Moe.
Well, I have never seen
such a perfect distillation
of the human spirit.
A cocktail of humility
and self-sacrifice
with a dash of un-bitters.
Whoa, Artemis.
What are you doing here?
Such loyalty to a bartender
deserves a reward.
The antidote to Antibooze.
Now, think carefully, chaps.
Once injected, you will lose
all the benefits of sobriety.
Go away, Ma.
I'm sorry. I can't go back.
Sobriety has made me the man
I never thought I'd be.
Now I'm going home to my family.
Hmm?
Hey, Bart, isn't that
your stupid crystal skull?
Wasn't stupid.
It was my best friend.
Shh!