The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 33, Episode 15 - Bart the Cool Kid - full transcript
Homer leads a rebellion of loser dads against the friendship between Bart and a famous kid influencer.
Huh?
So dope.
Slammin' kicks.
Is that kid wearing Slipremes?
He totally is.
These are my first tie-shoes.
You're wearing
the new Slipreme Caliphates?
How did a chum-wad like you
get a pair?
My daddy took my cat
to the cat doctor,
and when Daddy came home,
my cat had turned
into these shoes.
So Ralph got weird sneakers...
Who cares?
Uh, no one...
except everyone.
Those aren't just sneakers.
They're Slipremes.
That's Orion Hughes'
skatewear company.
He's huge on TikTok.
Got to say, today was crazy.
You all know my dad,
international superstar
Darius Hughes.
Well, I just laid down the hook
for his new movie,
Copy Cop.
♪ One cop
that you just can't stop ♪
♪ 'Cause he's two cops...
One cop and a copy of a cop ♪
♪ Two badges, one mind. ♪
And my skatewear brand,
Slipreme,
is about to drop a new shoe,
the sequel to the Caliphate One.
The Caliphate Two.
Limited release...
Available only this Friday.
And Saturday,
we explode the pop-up factory
that makes them.
Go! Go! Go, Orion! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, popcorn!
Go! Go! Go, popcorn!
No! No! No kernels!
No! No! No kernels!
Hey, that's my favorite show.
You guys have to buy me
these sneakers.
They're all anyone
cares about at school.
And if I don't have them,
I'm nobody.
Well, you're somebody
in this house.
Come on, don't lie to the boy.
I've never wanted
a piece of clothing before
in my entire life.
Dad, with this one act,
you can erase ten years
of second-rate parenting.
I'd think about that, Homie.
It's a pretty good offer.
Mm?
You must really want those pants
or videogame.
Son, your father will deliver.
Of course Orion Hughes'
new store would be
in Springfield's
former packing peanuts district.
This street is so cool.
Art galleries,
beard-only barbershops,
and a weird store
that only sells
a single action figure.
How do they survive?
Hmm?
Oh, look at this line.
Can't even see those guys.
I'm gonna be stuck here all day
with the nose ring brigade.
In that case, I'm gonna check
out this Hasidic surfwear shop.
Okay, Homer, you can do this...
You waited in line overnight
for Krusty's
new fried chicken sandwich.
And it was the best decision
of your life.
I will get Bart those shoes.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Dad, you got 'em.
I waited through rain,
through sun,
through the death
of my phone battery
from watching super-cuts
of boating accident videos,
all to see the joy on your face.
I love you, Dad.
I finally love you.
And bought love
is the best kind of love.
- Wow!
- I'm so pumped!
I'm also pumped!
Here come the sneakers!
Shh, shh.
Whoa!
Whoa, I got to see
those babies in action.
Hmm?
These shoes are made from...
used Band-Aids
and North Korean newspapers?
My dad waited in line
all day for these shoes,
and they're crap.
I'm gonna go to that store
and get his money back.
"Dear Leader Announces
Wheat Quotas Exceeded
Yet Again."
Ooh, a text.
Returning the shoes?
But then he'll find out...
what really happened.
So hot, no shade.
Maybe this guy will let me sit
under his flat-brimmed
baseball hat?
Mm... Mm.
Homer J. Simpsons.
The line-standing legend
himself.
Hey! Mike Wegman!
How's it clangin'?
Where's your food truck?
Somebody pushed it off a bridge,
but don't worry,
I had a good reason, and now
I got an even better business.
Selling those
limited-edition sneakers.
You want a pair?
Oh, my God,
my kid's begging for these.
How much do I owe you?
You owe me?
How much do the pilgrims
owe the Statue of Liberty?
How much does hot dog
owe a mustard?
For you, these are on the house.
Oh, thank you so much.
Don't worry about it, these
aren't real Slipremes anyway.
What? They're fake?
Oh, but I promised
my son the real ones.
Who, Bart, huh?
That bed-wetting nobody?
He won't be able
to tell the difference.
Kids today aren't
like you and me.
They're dumb
because of phones or whatever.
Hmm, and I do like
getting away with things.
That's winner talk there.
Hey, which of you freak shows
wants to do business?
I like your dumb hat.
Mm? Mmm!
I got to stop Bart from
returning those fake sneakers.
"No no no no no!"
Thanks, Dad, it is on.
Bart Simpson here,
about to clown some fools
who sold me
some crappy sneakers.
These shoes are trash.
I want my money back.
Uh, real Caliphate Twos
aren't made from garbage.
They're vegan leather made
from upcycled recycling bins.
Wait, what?
These are fakes.
You're trying to return
bootleg sneakers.
You can't record me...
I'm recording you.
What up, Shauna Nation?
As always, I'm Shauna.
Look at this idiot,
trying to return a knock-off.
Link in my bio
to win free edible eyeshadow.
They're not fake.
My Dad waited in line for these
shoes and spent a lot of money.
And Homer Simpson
would never lie to his son
just to get out
of standing in li...
Oh, my God,
he bought me fake shoes.
Bart, don't return the shoes!
This is just a dream.
Wake up, Bart. Wake up.
How could you?
I will never be more embarrassed
than I am right now.
We have underpants.
You've ruined me!
Please like and subscribe.
Stupid Homer.
Turned me into a GIF.
Oh, man.
You're even a dance.
It's called
the "Pants Kid Shimmy."
It's everywhere!
♪ Pants Kid Shimmy ♪
♪ Pants Kid
Shimmy ♪
♪ Pants Kid Shimmy ♪
♪ Shimmy, shimmy. ♪
So fun!
Son, I got you
this apology card.
The duck, you know,
on the front, he thinks
what I did was "quackers,"
and maybe he's right.
Don't ever talk to me again!
What was I thinking, trusting
you to help me look cool?
You're the least cool person
who ever lived.
But that includes Urkel.
You're bald.
You own a bowling ball.
You own truck nuts but no truck.
You've seen Tim Allen's standup
multiple times.
You still have a CD tower.
And each one your three kids
is embarrassed by you
in a different way.
Mm.
You were born uncool
and every day for four decades,
you've gotten less cool.
I know I'm not exactly
Stefan Urquelle,
but didn't you ever think
your old man was a little cool?
Never. Not one bit.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm looking for Bart Simpson.
Orion Hughes!
I found your critically-maligned
book of poetry
to be weirdly moving.
Yeah, I thought poetry
would be hard, but it wasn't.
I know you. You're the voice
of the urban squid
from the live-action
Finding Nemo.
Bart, I wanted to apologize
for the way
my employees shamed you.
You heard about that?
Ooh, I saw that dance
on Ellen today.
You didn't know
the shoes were fake.
To make up
for your global humiliation,
I brought your family
some free Slipreme skatewear.
Whoa, new skateboards!
Grab a board,
show me what you got.
Uh, I'd love to, of course.
But the thing is,
I have a deal with Slim Jim.
I can't skate unless I'm holding
a Dr. Pepper Salami Twister.
Come on,
just ollie off the curb.
Ollie?
Oh, yeah, that's the move
where you throw it, right?
Ollie!
You own a skatewear company
and you don't know how to skate?
Please don't tell anyone.
Hey, dude, no worries.
You know what?
I can teach you to skate.
But what if I'm not
instantly amazing at it?
I've heard that can happen.
Okay, feet on the board,
bend your knees,
find your center...
See? You're doing it!
I'm doing it. I-I'm authentic.
No one's ever been this real.
Don't fall down!
What's "falling down"?
That's-that's my blood.
I've never seen it before.
So cool. Let's go again.
Can you pass the guacamole,
#GuacAttack?
#NewChipsOnTheGuac?
You're hashtagging a lot lately.
So Bart called you uncool,
big deal.
Chasing after coolness
is futile,
because the definition
is both arbitrary
and constantly changing.
Mm, still want to be it.
With hard shell tacos,
you've got to bite them
from the bottom, like this.
Why?!
Why do I keep buying
hard shells?
I hate them!
Uh, I'm going to Moe's.
At least put on a clean shirt.
Hmm. Mm.
Mm. Hmm.
Homer.
Check it out... I'm selling
premium Wagyu-style steaks.
The 72-month subscription plan...
It comes with a genuine
landline phone.
I'm too depressed to figure out
what you're saying.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a Slipreme hoodie.
And that ain't even a knock-off
like these donkey steaks.
I got to post this.
Whoa, someone posted
a picture of me,
and it it's not
for falling down an escalator
or yelling at a parking meter.
Which means I must be...
Cool. Yes, you are now cool.
I've been liked.
Someone enjoyed looking at me.
Finally, I know
how it feels to be stylish.
To be loved for my appearance
instead of judged
for my actions.
This is why people
own more than one outfit.
Thank you, Mike Wegman!
540 flip straight onto your ear.
Oh.
Legendary!
Am I still slurring my's words?
Uh, it's-it's barely noticeable.
Having a movie star dad,
I don't really get
to hang out with regular kids.
With you I can relax,
you know, without having
to redefine our generation's
notion of relaxation.
I guess I envy you.
Isn't that something
rich people say to poor people
so that they feel less guilty
about being rich?
Yes, but for the first time,
I mean it.
You helped me bleed.
Maybe I can help you.
What if we design
a new sneaker together?
A sneaker that
all my friends will buy?
No, a sneaker that all
your friends will want to buy,
but can't, because we won't
make enough of them.
That's even better.
Huh?
What the hell are you wearing?
I know what it is...
A hobo was murdered at a rave,
and Homer's going undercover
to find the killer.
Nah, nah, nah,
he drove a motorcycle
through the clothesline
of a bi-curious farmer.
I was once like you.
Wearing clothes
I bought at the gas station
or found at the beach.
But I've learned something...
When you wear crazy clothes
you don't understand,
you're not you anymore.
You're someone better.
Oh, my God.
I'm beautiful.
Hey.
Well, look at me...
I'm a real Hep Cat.
And not just because
I got Hep C, A and T.
Which, I-I do got those.
We must tell all middle-aged men
that they need not grow old.
Where do the graying masses
gather to worship?
♪ I'm so sophisticated ♪
♪ To get a verse from me,
you gotta be initiated ♪
♪ To get a purse from me,
she gotta be sophisticated ♪
♪ Purchase a whip from me and
never miss a single payment ♪
♪ You wanna be the hottest
but that can get complicated. ♪
Bart, together
we'll design a sneaker
that'll change
sneaker culture forever.
Which, in this business,
is one week.
The Bartman One.
My life has mattered.
Yeah, and it comes
with a sticker in the box.
The release party
is Saturday night.
It's gonna be perfect.
The right music,
the right influencers,
and every single person there
will be young,
cool and beautiful.
Excuse me,
do you have this in a large?
You're buying that for yourself?
But old people don't
know about my clothes.
Unless...
Oh, no.
They're here.
The middle-aged.
The uncool!
This is a nightmare.
My brand's been
discovered by dads.
I'm wearing this to da club.
Da bridge club.
It's like Ed Hardy
all over again.
Who the heck is Ed Hardy?
Ed Hardy was
a California tattoo artist
whose unique designs
were the epitome of cool.
But then, one terrible day,
a newly-divorced dad
wanted to seem younger
on his dating profile.
He bought
a sleeveless tee in XXL
and then posted the picture.
Young people saw
old people wearing the brand,
and weeks later,
a $700 million empire
was sold for scrap.
Stupid old losers.
Slipreme's gonna die.
What do I do?!
I don't know,
but we can think of something.
We're two of the coolest kids
in the world, right?
So cool. You've even
got your own sneaker.
That's cool, isn't it?
I don't even know anymore.
Hey, Bart, thank your old man
for introducing me
to the look of the street.
Wait, Homer's the reason you're
all wearing these clothes?
You know it.
If my dad started this,
maybe he can stop it.
Yes, can I pay
for this paisley tracksuit
with airline miles?
Ooh. Ee. Ooh.
Drop the selfie stick now.
What about my Lookbook?
Stop dressing
your zombie friends up
in the clothes of the living.
Never!
Before I discovered streetwear,
people... like my son...
Treated me
like a dried-up old husk.
Well, you know what I am now?
A wet husk.
Full of juicy corn.
Mmm, corn, Bart.
You hear me? Mmm, corn.
Orion and I made
something amazing together,
and you're ruining it.
Too bad.
'Cause we're all going
to your sneaker release party.
Just because they RSVP'd,
doesn't mean
they're actually coming.
Wrong. My generation
shows up to things.
This is horrible. My Dad
told all his loser friends
about this party.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Aah! It's my dad.
Act like everything's fine.
Son, I've never seen your aura
looking less indigo.
Are you okay?
Nothing-nothing's wrong.
I'm crushing it.
I got this on lock. On lock.
Your words have convinced me.
The washed-up dads
are gonna be here soon.
I read about it in
The Old-Timers Gazette:
Facebook.
I can't handle this.
And my therapist
is pitching his sitcom today.
Which I'm producing.
You said if I ever needed you,
you'd come.
No matter what.
This is that call.
Okie-dokie. Want me to grab you
some mini carrots and hummus?
Yes.
Listen up, people.
For the first time
in your horrible lives,
you are not the lamest losers
in the world.
So if any young person
asks you what you do,
say, "Virtual marketing
for a CBD massage oil startup."
Now everyone take
two precautionary Advil
and let's live forever!
Homer, stop it!
Dads, halt. Let my shorty speak.
Homer, this isn't who you are.
You're right...
It's better than who I am.
This is the man I married.
You call all deli meats baloney.
You carry clippers
on your key chain
so you can cut your nails
in line at the post office.
You spent your stimulus check
on funny bumper stickers
about what you spent your
stimulus check on.
And since the day
I first saw you
moonwalk out of an Arby's,
you've been comfortable
in your own skin.
Until now.
I look...
ridiculous!
I shouldn't be
at a sneaker release party.
I should be at home.
Making microwave popcorn.
My favorite show.
We don't belong here.
Men our age
belong in here.
The Museum of Aviation History.
Oh.
The cross section
of a real B-52.
An IMAX movie about
the golden age of ballooning.
Audio tour by Gary Sinise.
It worked.
They took the dad-bait.
Dad.
You did something no old person
is remotely capable of.
You changed your mind.
I'm sorry
I almost ruined everything
for you and your friend.
I have no business
wearing skatewear.
I don't even like to ice skate.
Oh.
I never got a pair of my own
shoes, and now they're sold out.
Yo, style freaks.
I got counterfeit Bart Ones.
Genuine knockoffs.
Your dumb friends
can't tell the difference
unless you wear 'em
or you look at 'em close.
Thanks, Dad. Sometimes
you are a little bit cool.
Aw.
Buy you a chicken sandwich?
Dad, tonight was a close call.
This party was almost not
a cultural gamechanger.
I hope you're not
disappointed in me.
Oh, you can never let me down,
because I know
exactly how you feel.
Because you're me.
No, Dad. I'm not you.
And I'll never be you.
You're not
hearing what I'm saying.
You're me.
A clone of me.
Like this
You were created on the set
of Duplicate Cop One,
which we filmed
in a real cloning lab.
I knew I could never
love a child
as much as I love myself,
so I made another me:
you.
But how... But I... But...
What?
Didn't you ever wonder
why you don't have a mother?
- Kind of.
- Orion, our cosmic connection
is infinitely deeper
than what a "father"
feels for a "son."
I love you, me.
I love you, too... me.
Mm.
♪ Two badges, one mind. ♪
Shh.
So dope.
Slammin' kicks.
Is that kid wearing Slipremes?
He totally is.
These are my first tie-shoes.
You're wearing
the new Slipreme Caliphates?
How did a chum-wad like you
get a pair?
My daddy took my cat
to the cat doctor,
and when Daddy came home,
my cat had turned
into these shoes.
So Ralph got weird sneakers...
Who cares?
Uh, no one...
except everyone.
Those aren't just sneakers.
They're Slipremes.
That's Orion Hughes'
skatewear company.
He's huge on TikTok.
Got to say, today was crazy.
You all know my dad,
international superstar
Darius Hughes.
Well, I just laid down the hook
for his new movie,
Copy Cop.
♪ One cop
that you just can't stop ♪
♪ 'Cause he's two cops...
One cop and a copy of a cop ♪
♪ Two badges, one mind. ♪
And my skatewear brand,
Slipreme,
is about to drop a new shoe,
the sequel to the Caliphate One.
The Caliphate Two.
Limited release...
Available only this Friday.
And Saturday,
we explode the pop-up factory
that makes them.
Go! Go! Go, Orion! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, popcorn!
Go! Go! Go, popcorn!
No! No! No kernels!
No! No! No kernels!
Hey, that's my favorite show.
You guys have to buy me
these sneakers.
They're all anyone
cares about at school.
And if I don't have them,
I'm nobody.
Well, you're somebody
in this house.
Come on, don't lie to the boy.
I've never wanted
a piece of clothing before
in my entire life.
Dad, with this one act,
you can erase ten years
of second-rate parenting.
I'd think about that, Homie.
It's a pretty good offer.
Mm?
You must really want those pants
or videogame.
Son, your father will deliver.
Of course Orion Hughes'
new store would be
in Springfield's
former packing peanuts district.
This street is so cool.
Art galleries,
beard-only barbershops,
and a weird store
that only sells
a single action figure.
How do they survive?
Hmm?
Oh, look at this line.
Can't even see those guys.
I'm gonna be stuck here all day
with the nose ring brigade.
In that case, I'm gonna check
out this Hasidic surfwear shop.
Okay, Homer, you can do this...
You waited in line overnight
for Krusty's
new fried chicken sandwich.
And it was the best decision
of your life.
I will get Bart those shoes.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Dad, you got 'em.
I waited through rain,
through sun,
through the death
of my phone battery
from watching super-cuts
of boating accident videos,
all to see the joy on your face.
I love you, Dad.
I finally love you.
And bought love
is the best kind of love.
- Wow!
- I'm so pumped!
I'm also pumped!
Here come the sneakers!
Shh, shh.
Whoa!
Whoa, I got to see
those babies in action.
Hmm?
These shoes are made from...
used Band-Aids
and North Korean newspapers?
My dad waited in line
all day for these shoes,
and they're crap.
I'm gonna go to that store
and get his money back.
"Dear Leader Announces
Wheat Quotas Exceeded
Yet Again."
Ooh, a text.
Returning the shoes?
But then he'll find out...
what really happened.
So hot, no shade.
Maybe this guy will let me sit
under his flat-brimmed
baseball hat?
Mm... Mm.
Homer J. Simpsons.
The line-standing legend
himself.
Hey! Mike Wegman!
How's it clangin'?
Where's your food truck?
Somebody pushed it off a bridge,
but don't worry,
I had a good reason, and now
I got an even better business.
Selling those
limited-edition sneakers.
You want a pair?
Oh, my God,
my kid's begging for these.
How much do I owe you?
You owe me?
How much do the pilgrims
owe the Statue of Liberty?
How much does hot dog
owe a mustard?
For you, these are on the house.
Oh, thank you so much.
Don't worry about it, these
aren't real Slipremes anyway.
What? They're fake?
Oh, but I promised
my son the real ones.
Who, Bart, huh?
That bed-wetting nobody?
He won't be able
to tell the difference.
Kids today aren't
like you and me.
They're dumb
because of phones or whatever.
Hmm, and I do like
getting away with things.
That's winner talk there.
Hey, which of you freak shows
wants to do business?
I like your dumb hat.
Mm? Mmm!
I got to stop Bart from
returning those fake sneakers.
"No no no no no!"
Thanks, Dad, it is on.
Bart Simpson here,
about to clown some fools
who sold me
some crappy sneakers.
These shoes are trash.
I want my money back.
Uh, real Caliphate Twos
aren't made from garbage.
They're vegan leather made
from upcycled recycling bins.
Wait, what?
These are fakes.
You're trying to return
bootleg sneakers.
You can't record me...
I'm recording you.
What up, Shauna Nation?
As always, I'm Shauna.
Look at this idiot,
trying to return a knock-off.
Link in my bio
to win free edible eyeshadow.
They're not fake.
My Dad waited in line for these
shoes and spent a lot of money.
And Homer Simpson
would never lie to his son
just to get out
of standing in li...
Oh, my God,
he bought me fake shoes.
Bart, don't return the shoes!
This is just a dream.
Wake up, Bart. Wake up.
How could you?
I will never be more embarrassed
than I am right now.
We have underpants.
You've ruined me!
Please like and subscribe.
Stupid Homer.
Turned me into a GIF.
Oh, man.
You're even a dance.
It's called
the "Pants Kid Shimmy."
It's everywhere!
♪ Pants Kid Shimmy ♪
♪ Pants Kid
Shimmy ♪
♪ Pants Kid Shimmy ♪
♪ Shimmy, shimmy. ♪
So fun!
Son, I got you
this apology card.
The duck, you know,
on the front, he thinks
what I did was "quackers,"
and maybe he's right.
Don't ever talk to me again!
What was I thinking, trusting
you to help me look cool?
You're the least cool person
who ever lived.
But that includes Urkel.
You're bald.
You own a bowling ball.
You own truck nuts but no truck.
You've seen Tim Allen's standup
multiple times.
You still have a CD tower.
And each one your three kids
is embarrassed by you
in a different way.
Mm.
You were born uncool
and every day for four decades,
you've gotten less cool.
I know I'm not exactly
Stefan Urquelle,
but didn't you ever think
your old man was a little cool?
Never. Not one bit.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm looking for Bart Simpson.
Orion Hughes!
I found your critically-maligned
book of poetry
to be weirdly moving.
Yeah, I thought poetry
would be hard, but it wasn't.
I know you. You're the voice
of the urban squid
from the live-action
Finding Nemo.
Bart, I wanted to apologize
for the way
my employees shamed you.
You heard about that?
Ooh, I saw that dance
on Ellen today.
You didn't know
the shoes were fake.
To make up
for your global humiliation,
I brought your family
some free Slipreme skatewear.
Whoa, new skateboards!
Grab a board,
show me what you got.
Uh, I'd love to, of course.
But the thing is,
I have a deal with Slim Jim.
I can't skate unless I'm holding
a Dr. Pepper Salami Twister.
Come on,
just ollie off the curb.
Ollie?
Oh, yeah, that's the move
where you throw it, right?
Ollie!
You own a skatewear company
and you don't know how to skate?
Please don't tell anyone.
Hey, dude, no worries.
You know what?
I can teach you to skate.
But what if I'm not
instantly amazing at it?
I've heard that can happen.
Okay, feet on the board,
bend your knees,
find your center...
See? You're doing it!
I'm doing it. I-I'm authentic.
No one's ever been this real.
Don't fall down!
What's "falling down"?
That's-that's my blood.
I've never seen it before.
So cool. Let's go again.
Can you pass the guacamole,
#GuacAttack?
#NewChipsOnTheGuac?
You're hashtagging a lot lately.
So Bart called you uncool,
big deal.
Chasing after coolness
is futile,
because the definition
is both arbitrary
and constantly changing.
Mm, still want to be it.
With hard shell tacos,
you've got to bite them
from the bottom, like this.
Why?!
Why do I keep buying
hard shells?
I hate them!
Uh, I'm going to Moe's.
At least put on a clean shirt.
Hmm. Mm.
Mm. Hmm.
Homer.
Check it out... I'm selling
premium Wagyu-style steaks.
The 72-month subscription plan...
It comes with a genuine
landline phone.
I'm too depressed to figure out
what you're saying.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a Slipreme hoodie.
And that ain't even a knock-off
like these donkey steaks.
I got to post this.
Whoa, someone posted
a picture of me,
and it it's not
for falling down an escalator
or yelling at a parking meter.
Which means I must be...
Cool. Yes, you are now cool.
I've been liked.
Someone enjoyed looking at me.
Finally, I know
how it feels to be stylish.
To be loved for my appearance
instead of judged
for my actions.
This is why people
own more than one outfit.
Thank you, Mike Wegman!
540 flip straight onto your ear.
Oh.
Legendary!
Am I still slurring my's words?
Uh, it's-it's barely noticeable.
Having a movie star dad,
I don't really get
to hang out with regular kids.
With you I can relax,
you know, without having
to redefine our generation's
notion of relaxation.
I guess I envy you.
Isn't that something
rich people say to poor people
so that they feel less guilty
about being rich?
Yes, but for the first time,
I mean it.
You helped me bleed.
Maybe I can help you.
What if we design
a new sneaker together?
A sneaker that
all my friends will buy?
No, a sneaker that all
your friends will want to buy,
but can't, because we won't
make enough of them.
That's even better.
Huh?
What the hell are you wearing?
I know what it is...
A hobo was murdered at a rave,
and Homer's going undercover
to find the killer.
Nah, nah, nah,
he drove a motorcycle
through the clothesline
of a bi-curious farmer.
I was once like you.
Wearing clothes
I bought at the gas station
or found at the beach.
But I've learned something...
When you wear crazy clothes
you don't understand,
you're not you anymore.
You're someone better.
Oh, my God.
I'm beautiful.
Hey.
Well, look at me...
I'm a real Hep Cat.
And not just because
I got Hep C, A and T.
Which, I-I do got those.
We must tell all middle-aged men
that they need not grow old.
Where do the graying masses
gather to worship?
♪ I'm so sophisticated ♪
♪ To get a verse from me,
you gotta be initiated ♪
♪ To get a purse from me,
she gotta be sophisticated ♪
♪ Purchase a whip from me and
never miss a single payment ♪
♪ You wanna be the hottest
but that can get complicated. ♪
Bart, together
we'll design a sneaker
that'll change
sneaker culture forever.
Which, in this business,
is one week.
The Bartman One.
My life has mattered.
Yeah, and it comes
with a sticker in the box.
The release party
is Saturday night.
It's gonna be perfect.
The right music,
the right influencers,
and every single person there
will be young,
cool and beautiful.
Excuse me,
do you have this in a large?
You're buying that for yourself?
But old people don't
know about my clothes.
Unless...
Oh, no.
They're here.
The middle-aged.
The uncool!
This is a nightmare.
My brand's been
discovered by dads.
I'm wearing this to da club.
Da bridge club.
It's like Ed Hardy
all over again.
Who the heck is Ed Hardy?
Ed Hardy was
a California tattoo artist
whose unique designs
were the epitome of cool.
But then, one terrible day,
a newly-divorced dad
wanted to seem younger
on his dating profile.
He bought
a sleeveless tee in XXL
and then posted the picture.
Young people saw
old people wearing the brand,
and weeks later,
a $700 million empire
was sold for scrap.
Stupid old losers.
Slipreme's gonna die.
What do I do?!
I don't know,
but we can think of something.
We're two of the coolest kids
in the world, right?
So cool. You've even
got your own sneaker.
That's cool, isn't it?
I don't even know anymore.
Hey, Bart, thank your old man
for introducing me
to the look of the street.
Wait, Homer's the reason you're
all wearing these clothes?
You know it.
If my dad started this,
maybe he can stop it.
Yes, can I pay
for this paisley tracksuit
with airline miles?
Ooh. Ee. Ooh.
Drop the selfie stick now.
What about my Lookbook?
Stop dressing
your zombie friends up
in the clothes of the living.
Never!
Before I discovered streetwear,
people... like my son...
Treated me
like a dried-up old husk.
Well, you know what I am now?
A wet husk.
Full of juicy corn.
Mmm, corn, Bart.
You hear me? Mmm, corn.
Orion and I made
something amazing together,
and you're ruining it.
Too bad.
'Cause we're all going
to your sneaker release party.
Just because they RSVP'd,
doesn't mean
they're actually coming.
Wrong. My generation
shows up to things.
This is horrible. My Dad
told all his loser friends
about this party.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Aah! It's my dad.
Act like everything's fine.
Son, I've never seen your aura
looking less indigo.
Are you okay?
Nothing-nothing's wrong.
I'm crushing it.
I got this on lock. On lock.
Your words have convinced me.
The washed-up dads
are gonna be here soon.
I read about it in
The Old-Timers Gazette:
Facebook.
I can't handle this.
And my therapist
is pitching his sitcom today.
Which I'm producing.
You said if I ever needed you,
you'd come.
No matter what.
This is that call.
Okie-dokie. Want me to grab you
some mini carrots and hummus?
Yes.
Listen up, people.
For the first time
in your horrible lives,
you are not the lamest losers
in the world.
So if any young person
asks you what you do,
say, "Virtual marketing
for a CBD massage oil startup."
Now everyone take
two precautionary Advil
and let's live forever!
Homer, stop it!
Dads, halt. Let my shorty speak.
Homer, this isn't who you are.
You're right...
It's better than who I am.
This is the man I married.
You call all deli meats baloney.
You carry clippers
on your key chain
so you can cut your nails
in line at the post office.
You spent your stimulus check
on funny bumper stickers
about what you spent your
stimulus check on.
And since the day
I first saw you
moonwalk out of an Arby's,
you've been comfortable
in your own skin.
Until now.
I look...
ridiculous!
I shouldn't be
at a sneaker release party.
I should be at home.
Making microwave popcorn.
My favorite show.
We don't belong here.
Men our age
belong in here.
The Museum of Aviation History.
Oh.
The cross section
of a real B-52.
An IMAX movie about
the golden age of ballooning.
Audio tour by Gary Sinise.
It worked.
They took the dad-bait.
Dad.
You did something no old person
is remotely capable of.
You changed your mind.
I'm sorry
I almost ruined everything
for you and your friend.
I have no business
wearing skatewear.
I don't even like to ice skate.
Oh.
I never got a pair of my own
shoes, and now they're sold out.
Yo, style freaks.
I got counterfeit Bart Ones.
Genuine knockoffs.
Your dumb friends
can't tell the difference
unless you wear 'em
or you look at 'em close.
Thanks, Dad. Sometimes
you are a little bit cool.
Aw.
Buy you a chicken sandwich?
Dad, tonight was a close call.
This party was almost not
a cultural gamechanger.
I hope you're not
disappointed in me.
Oh, you can never let me down,
because I know
exactly how you feel.
Because you're me.
No, Dad. I'm not you.
And I'll never be you.
You're not
hearing what I'm saying.
You're me.
A clone of me.
Like this
You were created on the set
of Duplicate Cop One,
which we filmed
in a real cloning lab.
I knew I could never
love a child
as much as I love myself,
so I made another me:
you.
But how... But I... But...
What?
Didn't you ever wonder
why you don't have a mother?
- Kind of.
- Orion, our cosmic connection
is infinitely deeper
than what a "father"
feels for a "son."
I love you, me.
I love you, too... me.
Mm.
♪ Two badges, one mind. ♪
Shh.