The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 33, Episode 13 - Boyz N The Highlands - full transcript

Listen up, ya pukes.

You're only calling us that
'cause we puked in the van.

You've been sentenced
to complete

"The Highland Trek
for Troubled Truants"

by the juvenile court.

So why are you in charge?

Because this is my sentence
from the adult court!

Now watch the video.

Welcome, wayward teens
and aspiring criminals.

The Highlands Trek will
teach you resilience,

team-building,
collective mindfulness--



Stupid buzzwords!

They mean nothing.

Just get your sorry arses
to Ankle Rock

by tomorrow at noon.

Uh, I'm not really
seeing the ankle.

The ankle doesn't care
what ya see!

Oh, man, this is so lame.

They're just picking on us
because we're thugs

and badasses, right, guys?

Nice backpack, Simpson.

What do you got in there,
ladies' underwear?

Lovely, you've already
isolated the weak one.

But there's
still one more delinquent

to join your scurvy crew.



Hello, fellows.

Oh, my!
I seem to have turtled myself.

Now, Martin, don't forget
your nightly tick check.

You know how they love
the little fat folds

- in your tum-tum.
- Yes, Mother.

My magnifying glass and tweezers
are in my toiletry pouch.

- Huh?
- Uh...

Thank you, God!

You sent me a dork so dweeby

even I can pick on him.

Nice backpack, Martin.

What do you got in there,
ladies' underwear?

- Good one.

Come on, Simpson,
let's get this over with.

Oh, and as you wander aimlessly,
freezing, hungry

and weeping for your mothers,
keep your eyes open.

Along the way,
you might just find

the greatest of all treasures.

Whoa, treasure.

This death march
to stay out of prison

just got interesting.

They're so screwed.

Well, better get off
to me side hustle.

Woof, woof! Birthday Dog
says, "Happy birthday."

♪ ♪

So, Simpson,

what did you do
to get stuck on this perp hike?

Let's just say I got
a little creative

with some laundry pods.

Not bad.
Juvenile, but delinquent.

Not half as cool
as what I did, though.

What can I say?
I love dining al fresco.

Who doesn't?
But check out what I did.

I wonder what Princey Pants
did to get stuck here?

Nothing. I chose to be here.

Wha...?

This extracurricular activity

will give me an edge with the
most exclusive middle schools.

Carvingsley,
Thistleberry Hall...

- Stop being you.

Included in the shoving circle.

Could this day get any better?

Wisteria Country Day...

Hey, Marjorie,
without the boy around,

- maybe we can...
- Mm.

And...

- Mm.
- And...

Oh, Homie,
I like two of those things.

And I'll consider the third.

- Non-problem child!

Mom, Dad, with Bart away,

I can now fulfill a dream
I never dared speak aloud.

For one fleeting weekend,
I want to live as...

an only child.

"Only child"? What about Maggie?

Um, I kind of made
alternate arrangements for her.

Time for
a Flip This Bathroom marathon.

Ooh, baby, Mama loves
her terra cotta.

As you can see
on this pie chart,

this is the time you spend on
my older and younger siblings.

So, if you'll just humor
a middle child's

most frivolous whimsy,

I would like you to spend
the entire weekend

focusing only on me.

- No.
- Homer!

Of course we will.

Oh, it's wonderful!

Oh, and for the next two days,

I would like you
to call me Jules.

I think an only child
would have a name

like Jules.

Okay!
Our first only-child activity

is gonna be playing horsey.

Start working on your neighs.

♪ Who still sleeps
in Mommy's bed? ♪

♪ Seymour Skinner ♪

♪ Who wears a toupee
on his head? ♪

♪ Seymour Skinner ♪

♪ Who kisses
Gary Chalmers' butt? ♪

♪ Seymour Skinner ♪

♪ He does his best
with budget cuts ♪

♪ Seymour Skinner... ♪

Don't worry, guys.

I got this.

What the hell was that?

It's a baby goat.

In a cage.

Yeah, okay, okay.
The best thing to do

is just kick it and leave.

Hold on, goat-- G-O-A-T.

This has to be
the "greatest of all treasures"

that janitor guy
was talking about.

What kind of treasure is a goat?

Trust me, I've done
all the disciplinary courses.

Outward Bound, Inward Pummel,
Empathy Boot Camp.

They always have
stupid word puzzles,

and this is one of them.

We got to take the goat
with us back to Ankle Rock.

Hell no--
I don't trust that thing.

Look at those frog-ass eyes.

Which way is he even
supposed to be looking?

Tough nards, goat-scroat.

It's coming with us.

Welcome to the Troubled Truants.

You know,
this goat's pretty cool.

I think we should call him...
Axel.

No way! That name's
reserved for Axl Rose,

the god of heavy metal.

Well, this Axel eats metal.

My hearts of palm!

Whoa! Axel likes nerd grub.

Let's see what other

- stupid stuff it eats.

My smoothie-shaker!

My graphing calculator!

My night crocs!

Guys, maybe we should let him
keep some of his stuff?

You're sticking up
for this dorkus?

Maybe you're not the jerk
we thought you were.

Return our sacrificial goat.

Or my scythe shall reap
your souls.

Return our goat or die!

Haw-haw! Haw-haw!

Haw-haw!

I think those skull-heads
were Satanists.

Ah, great,
we finally meet someone cool,

and they want
to chop us in half.

According to the map,
this river goes

right by Ankle Rock.

And, look, Dame Fortune

has gifted us a canoe.

Let's splash this thing.

Come on, Axel, get in the boat.

Ugh.
Forget that stupid chomp horse.

Just leave him.

Yeah, bros before goats.

But you said he was
the greatest of all treasures.

I'm allowed to change my mind.

I contain multitudes, dingus.

But if the Satanists find Axel,
they'll slaughter

every last hair
on his chinny chin chin!

We can just walk--
it'll take a little longer,

but I can always use
more steps on my FatBit.

- Walk?
- No way!

Okay, Simpson,
you got to choose.

Boat or goat?

Mm...

I guess I'm with Axel.

And... Martin.

Your funeral, nard-bags.

Okay, river, to Ankle Rock.

It's just you and me, chum.

And, good news,
the footbridge across the river

is only eight kilometers away.

This day
just keeps getting better.

This day just keeps
getting better!

Ha! My roll again.

Boy, my turn comes
so much quicker

when there's
only the three of us.

This is pretty fun, Lisa.

- I mean, Jules, Jules.

I didn't even know
we had Suffragette Monopoly.

And there's the box.

Because it's been buried
under the games

Bart always gets to play.

And there are the boxes.

Ha! Yay!

You landed on my protest corner.

$250, please.

Fine, here's

two Lucretia Motts
and an Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

But I want to wear the hat.

- Hmm?
- Mm.

Is that the time?

We're way behind on my list

of only-child activities.

Hmm, "stuffed animal high tea,

toenail painting party?"

Do I even have toenails?

Our sourdough should have been

in the proving drawer
20 minutes ago!

Honey, relax.

We have plenty of time.

Bart will be back in 18 hours.

Now, let's get moving, people.

If this bread doesn't rise,

you're gonna see a side of Jules

you never knew existed.

I'm scared of Jules.

- Stupid oars.
- Stupid river.

- Huh?

"Welcome to our Airbnb."

What the hell's that?

It's when rich people rent
their extra houses out

- for lots of money.
- Extra houses?

Gah...

Oh!

Al fresco!

My parents won't let me watch
Itchy and Scratchy.

But I do watch Caillou,
a Canadian educational program

about a bald boy fascinated
by the world around him.

Sounds great.

Hey, my Code Orange
Nuclear Cheezee Thingz!

That's my breakfast,
lunch and dinner.

You know, Bart, this summer,
my family's going

to visit Grandmother Didi
and her friend Carol

on Sanibel Island.

Mother and Father said
I can bring a chum.

What say that chum were you?

Shut up!

Just because we both like this
goat doesn't mean I like you.

I mean, come on,
you're a loser nerd

and I'm King Stink.

We have nothing in common,
and we can never be friends.

- Lisa...

Uh, Jules, slow down.

There's plenty of ice cream.

No way.

Bart always eats
all the Mint Choco Smash.

And I...

don't get any.

Now I'm gonna finish it.

Oh, my gosh, it's time
for my only-child beat poetry.

Okay, Mom, you're on bongos.

Dad, you snap.

A room to myself.

becomes a womb to my self.

A solitary tree
in this only-child family.

Not lonely, but singular.

Ya dig?

Okay, okay, okay, next activity!

Hey, we didn't get
to do my poem.

There's no time!

We still have
Daddy-daughter piggyback ride.

Giddyap!

Oh, this is great!
It's so great!

I'm finally an only child.

Faster, faster!

Jules doesn't feel so good.

I'm sorry.

That's okay, sweetie.

All my best nights end
with throwing up, too.

Where be our goat?

But we don't have the goat.

The other losers have it.

Banish them to the dungeon.

Let us out!

There's old lawn chairs
down here!

So... what time tomorrow

do you think we'll make it
to the rock, buddy?

I'm not your buddy.

I don't have any buddies.

Well, you could.

Just pretend to like stuff
regular kids like.

Dial down the dork a little bit.

You think it's that easy?

You don't know the hell
I'm living in!

My parents have me
in a pressure cooker!

Classical Greek club,
waltzing lessons.

I'm going to explode.

And I have problems, Bart--
scary problems!

I see two therapists!

They email each other about me.

And I'm on drugs--
Focusyn to help me focus,

Somnicrank to help me sleep!

I hope you take those with food.

And don't forget Intriginol
to lift my spirts.

Because they're low, Bart.

Ever so low.

Dude, you're freaking us out!

And I didn't volunteer
for this juvie-jaunt.

Like you, I was sentenced to it.

Because of what I did.

- I broke into that pharmacy

to steal more drugs,

because I still wasn't focused
enough to please my parents.

Never enough focus
for Gareth and Gloria.

Whoa, you may not be cool,

but you're psycho, and that
makes you kind of awesome.

Your words of praise
are but honey drizzled

- on bitter greens!
- Huh?

You're only nice to me
when no one's around.

Which makes you worse
than a bully.

It makes you a coward
and a conformist.

You're not a rebel or a bad boy.

You're nothing but a follower.

Come on, Axel, let's go.

Axel, no, you can't
choose him over me.

Mm...

- Axel!

I knew
you'd come back for me.

Oh, I love you too, goat,

with your wet slimy kisses.

Ew, slugs!

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

Hmm. Oh, right.

I've been ditched, I'm lost,

and the only people
looking for me are...

Satanists.

Let us out!

We'll do Satan stuff for you!

Like grow pointy beards
or draw them on with eyeliner!

I ask you a final time.

Where is our sacrifice?

We told you, we don't know
where the goat is.

Then prepare to die!

How?

What time is it? What happened?

Oh, sweetie,
you got a little overexcited

and barfed yourself to sleep.

Wait, I spent all night
sleeping in bed

between Mom and Dad,
center spoon?

It doesn't get more
"only child" than that.

Wait, there's still time for us
to do "a gender-blind production

of The Crucible,"
whatever those words mean.

Meh, that's
kind of a Jules thing.

Right now, I'd kind of rather
just stay in bed

and be a Lisa.

Mm.

I don't need that stupid Martin.

I can make it
to Ankle Rock on my own.

Compass, which way do I go?

Compass?

Must not be getting a signal.

Ew, it's poop.

Nuclear orange poop...

Just like those Cheezee Thingz
Axel ate.

This is goat poop.

Martin. Martin! Oh, my God.

- He's dead!

Oh, you're alive!

- Man, you're a heavy sleeper.

That would be the Somnicrank.

Listen man, that stuff
you said to me, you were right.

I shouldn't care
what those bullies think of me.

Well, I'm glad you've learned
that their approval

- is meaningless.
Help!

Satanists are gonna kill us!

Oh, my God,
I've got to save those bullies.

Then they'll think I'm awesome.

No, then they'll think
we're awesome.

Cut!

You can turn off
the voice-changing app, Madison.

Huh? Huh?

Those little kids ruined
the shot.

Wait? This is just a movie?

They're not Satanists,
they're...

...film students.

The only thing worse

than nerds are film nerds.

My cousin went to film school.

And now he walks dogs
for a living.

Stupid kids!

Now we'll never get
into Splatter Fest.

Let alone win the Palme D'gore!

You knocked
the blade off its track!

Those little dudes are
gonna get sacrificed for real.

Now we're getting
the performance.

That's the fear.

Oh, that crazy blade's
going everywhere.

What do we do?

Hmm.

The movements of the pendulum
may seem random,

but it actually swings
in the exact pattern

of Strauss' "Blue Danube."

Bart, waltz with me.

It's okay, it's okay,
we can make this work.

We can just add
the kid corpses in post.

Oh, God, no!

Our entire film was on that!

My footage, my beautiful
faked found footage!

I can't go back to selling
essential oils on Facebook.

No one knows what they are.

Haw-haw!

Baa-baa!

So then the po-po showed up

and hauled me away.

I hate the po-po!

Prince, you're a certified

pre-owned bad-ass.

Hmm.

I was sure you'd get lost

and eat the wee fat one,
but you made it.

And that earns you
the greatest of all treasures.

And it's right behind you.

It's the land you traversed,

the journey you made,

and the character you built.

Are you freaking kidding me?

That's not treasure,
that's garbage.

Nature is garbage.

Step away from those bad kids,
Martin.

You'll be late
for your violin lesson.

By the way, you play that now.

Yeah, they are bad kids.

Just like me.

And bad kids ride in the van.

If it makes you nervous,
take a pill.

♪ ♪

Maggie, honey,
play nice with the kitty.

I just have to...

Oh, aah, the cat!

-Oh, my God, aah!
-Bart, Bart, you come back here.

- Ow!
- Bart!

Almost gotcha.

Oh, come back here!

- Oh! Let go! Ow!
Yum.

I'm gonna send you back

to Willie
if you don't stop this.

You stop right now.

Why is no one
helping me?!
Give me that

tub of ice cream.

Does anybody even see this?!

Ah...!

Ow! Oh, let go!

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Shh!

And FORD.
We go further, so you can.