The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 32, Episode 4 - Treehouse of Horror XXXI - full transcript

The 31st annual Simpsons Halloween special includes a frightening look at the 2020 election, parodies of Pixar and Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and a ninth birthday Lisa just can't get over.

(thunder crashes)

♪ ♪

Now, listen up,
we've got an election to run,

under the strict supervision of
heavily-medicated octogenarians.

I'm gonna need to see
three forms of ID.

12 if you're a Democrat.

(cackling)

Homer, get down here.

Your vote for president
has never been more important.

That's today?
Hmm?

(grunts)



(scoffs)
So vague.

You'll get down here this minute

if you care about
the three things you love most.

♪ ♪

Are you picturing the kids?

Yes, honey mustard.

(yawns)

(frantic grunting)

Hmm, let's see.

I know who I want for all
the judges and propositions.

But president--
that's a stumper.

Can I write in Judge Judy?

You're hesitating
over president?

Dad. By all that's decent,
how could you forget



everything that's happened
the last four years?

Hmm.

I don't know. Not sure
what you're talking about.

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah.

Well, that one was just funny.

Hmm.

(chuckles)

That was bad.

That was worse.

Someone made that up.

Yike.

I got to do something.

Hmm, hmm, hmm...

(grunts)

(spits)
Who you gonna make fun of now,

late night comics?

(laughs)

You slept all day?

- You didn't vote?
- Hey, how bad could it be?

You owe me
a new pair of glasses.

Aah! That's what I get
for voting for Kanye!

(horn blows)

♪ ♪

Uh-oh.

♪ ♪

Bart, have you finished packing
your old toys for charity?

Almost. I just want a minute
to say goodbye.

Oh, mm, of course.

Goodbye.

♪ You put a dent ♪

♪ In me ♪

♪ You soaked my head in pee ♪

♪ Then you set my feet
on fire ♪

♪ And you threw me
under your front tire ♪

♪ I'm basically an invalid ♪

♪ Boy, you are a rotten kid ♪

♪ I know everything you did ♪

♪ Yeah, you are a rotten kid ♪

(whistling)

♪ You got
no redeeming qualities. ♪

(Bart humming a tune)

MARGE: Did you enjoy
saying goodbye to your toys?

Oh, yeah. I'm a real sweetie.

Yes, you are.

- So, as your reward...
- (gasps)

The new Radioactive Man
action figure!

With real radioactivity!

(Geiger counter clicking)

Oh, thanks, Mom.
"Just keep away from scrotum."

Uh, Grampa,
where's your scrotum?

Mm, I think
it's in my other pants.

Huh.
(humming a tune)

Finally, a sweet and kind boy
of my own.

KRUSTY DOLL:
(scoffs) Sweet and kind?

He's the reason Jack
won't come out of his box.

JACK (whimpers):
Is he out there?

Why don't you see for yourself?

(vocalizes)

Crank it back! Crank it back!

(vocalizes)

Want more proof?

Meet Over-Stretched Arm-Long,
Tickled-Out Elmeaux,

and Headless Malibu Stacy.

Hey, creep.
My eyes are down here.

(Krusty voice):
Hey, hey, Radioactive Man,

there's a bomb in that safe

and you're the only one
who can disarm it.

(Radioactive Man voice):
Piece of cake.

Uranium cake.

HOMER:
Bart, you have to see this.

They just dumped some mail
on the street

and there's mail
blowing everywhere.

(grunts)
Insides melting.

Decals loosening.
(grunts)

I will have my rev...
(gargling)

Homer, always put
a paper towel over...

It's wine time.

(moans) His accessories
will go to his widow.

(cymbals crash)

His widow was a monkey?
Eh, love is love.

We've got to fight back.

(all grumbling)

When I'm through with him,

his teeth
will be sold separately.

Even you hate him,

gift that was never unwrapped?

- (rattles)
- Oh. So much anger.

I always thought
you were just a sweater.

Hey! Ow! Oh!

BEN MANKIEWICZ:
We now return to
The Swellest Slum,

the musical romp starring
Debbie Reynolds as Rosie,

the Puerto Rican seamstress.

Don't tell me we have to walk
through all the booze bags

in the Irish district.

And we won't be showing
that movie anymore.

Coming up next on TCM, nothing.

(moans)

Where am I?
Who are you?

(grunts)

My toys.
You're alive?

Bart Simpson, I'm gonna do
what clowns do best:

kill.

Look, guys, I would have
never treated you bad

if I'd known you had feelings.

You treat me bad
and you know I have feelings.

You're in on this, too?

They've got Puppy Goo Goo!

They don't "have me."
I ran away, loser.

Ow! Ooh!
(grunting)

¡Ay, caramba!

Whoa, Malibu Stacy?

That's Dr. Malibu Stacy to you.

I specialize in...
plastic surgery.

You kill like a girl.

(screams)

Bart? Bart?

What happened to you?

(muffled):
I'm Bart Simpson.

Let's watch
what you want to watch.

Aah!

Well, it's pretty
straightforward.

Bart's bones are Tinkertoys,

he has a Build-A-Bear heart

and his brain is Pop Rocks
and Silly Putty.

(chuckles)

(crying)
How did this happen?

Don't ask, don't Mattel.

Bart, son, speak to me.

I'm Bart Simpson.
I love my mother and father.

Oh!
We've lost him.

(both crying)

- No!
- No.

♪ ♪

♪ This is the end of Bart ♪

♪ He lost his human parts ♪

♪ Now he's nothing
but a big ol' toy ♪

♪ Lost his chance
to be a human boy ♪

♪ He's sweet and kind ♪

♪ But he's got no mind ♪

♪ This is the end of Bart ♪

♪ This is the end
of Bart ♪

♪ Happy trails, Bart. ♪

- (snoring)
- (phone ringing)

(grunts)
Y'ello?

MARGE:
Homer, where are you?

It's Halloween
and we need the candy.

Who ate all the candy?

♪ ♪

Got to get more candy.

(moans)
Advil?

Hmm.

ALL:
Trick or treat.

Advil?
You know what this means.

Hey, you kids did say
"trick or treat,"

so, uh, it's totally legal.

No candy?
(moans) No candy.

Aren't you supposed to be
fattening us up?

I like my children
stringy and tough.

(whimpers)

No one's allowed in here!

Then what are you
doing in here?

You're right.

(yelling)

(pants)
Want some more, punk?

Listen, machine,
there's no evidence

that you contain any candy
or take any money.

But desperate times
call for something something.

(grunting)

(grunts) The fact that
you won't take my quarter

proves you have candy.

(shouts)

HOMER-BARBERA:
Hey, Boo Boo,

let's go steal a picnic meal.

- Who the heck are you?
- I'm Homer-Barbera,

a-smarter than
the average Homer.

(laughs)

(chuckles) You sound just like
an actor named Art Carney.

Don't tell his estate.

(both exclaim)

Oh, I'm ever so sorry.

Who are you?

I'm Disney Princess Homer.

(vocalizes)

Okay, from now on,
you just sing.

(caws)

♪ D'oh. ♪

Heavens, uh, to Murgatroyd.

What's Murgatroyd?

A-nobody knows.

(static crackling)

(whooping)

Konnichiwa!

This case is gonna
be like Homer's skull:

hard to crack
and not much inside.

Of all the wonders
a multiverse might reveal,

ours is giving us
multiple Homer Simpsons.

Six versions
of the local loudmouth

are terrorizing the town.

Family-style buffets
have been emptied of everything

except salad.

The bowling alleys
have been overbowled.

And the library?

(chuckles): Untouched.

Then they attended
a hockey game.

Krusty Burger has had to look
for other sources of meat.

Hey! What's this new gig
I'm going to?

Because...
(screaming)

BROCKMAN:
They even started
a doo-wop group.

♪ Lollipop, lollipop ♪

♪ Oh, lolli, lolli-la ♪

♪ Lollipop ♪

(sucking, choking)

♪ Ba-dum-bum-bum. ♪

We've got to bring those Homies
here, where they'll be safe.

How you gonna do that?

Well, I'll be!

Which one of you
will give your old dad a hug?

- Not me.
- Not me.

Not me.

Hell no!

Hmm. I wonder
if this has anything to do

with that quantum flash
of celestial energy.

(chiming)

(soft melody playing)

Little girl,

people might understand you
better if you sang.

♪ Look at this ♪

♪ A flash in the sky ♪

Oh, brother.

♪ Will it open up ♪

♪ And drop me a guy? ♪

♪ I want to be
where the Twinkies are ♪

Dad!

♪ Where the fruit pies lie ♪

♪ And the Ding Dongs do it ♪

Fine.

♪ Dad ♪

♪ You tore a hole
in the space-time continuum ♪

(gasps)

♪ Allowing Homers
from other dimensions ♪

♪ To seep into ♪

♪ Our universe. ♪

Happy Halloween-o,
neighborino.

Eat lead, Ned.

I forgive you!

♪ Eat ♪

♪ The bacon. ♪

- (overlapping chatter)
- Megatron.
- Pass the potatoes.

This is so hard,
feeding all of you at once.

Yeah? Try following them all
into the bathroom.

Why, you little...

Dad, by Harlan Ellison's law
of circular storytelling,

all of you Homers have
to get back to the nuclear plant

and recreate the energy burst
that brought you here.

- Or what?
- You're gonna die!

Again and again
and again and again.

That doesn't sound so bad.

- And again.
- (yelps)

Quarter. Quarter. Quarter.

Not so fast.

Exit-a, stage left.

I can't let you
close the portal.

It's the ultimate form
of cheap undocumented labor.

Sure, you get a couple of these.

But it's worth it.

You can't stop us,
corpse blossom.

There's one of you
and six of us.

Really?
Would you like to count again?

♪ ♪

Burnsiverse versus Homerverse.

And the Smitherverse
to nod and take copious notes.

♪ ♪

Excellent.

Each of you is more evil
than the last.

But I'm still
the richest, right?

In my dimension,

you're Smithers' sidekick.

Oh! In that case...

(grunts)

Finally.
I'm with the only Homer

I ever wanted.

Say, sweetheart,

park your lips in this garage.

Mmm...

Heavens to Marge-atroyd!

Exit-a, stage right!

Oh...

up,
gotta get out, gotta get home ♪

♪ Before the morning comes ♪

♪ What if I'm late,
got a big date ♪

♪ Gotta get home
before the sun comes up. ♪

Dear log, at midnight,

I turn nine,
halfway to adulthood.

(gasps) Am I ready
to put Night Night Moon

in the hand-me-down box?

MARGE:
Lisa! We're about to
cut the cake!

Come down before your father
steals some icing

with his finger!

HOMER:
Too late!

(sighs)
Buck up, former kiddo.

You just have to get through
another disappointing party.

Yay.

(sighs)

Oh...

(sighs)

Worm. Snake.

Cigar. Two-by-four.

Huh?

Nice party, Lisa.

Didn't realize
the theme was being a loser.

My party is not full
of losers.

I can burp magic.

(burps)

(sighs)
Somebody kill me now.

- (tires screech)
- Oh!

♪ ♪

(gasps)
Oh, my God! I'm alive!

It must have been a dream.

MARGE:
Lisa! We're about to
cut the cake!

Come down before your father
steals some icing

with his finger!

HOMER:
Too late!

Worm. Snake.

Cigar. Two-by-four.

Huh?

Everything's the same.

Nice party, Lisa.

Didn't realize the theme was...

Save it, Sherri.

I'm not a loser.

How did she know
what I was gonna say?

- Are we that predictable?
- Are we that predictable?

(gasps)
I changed what happened.

Which means
I can change my fate.

Sorry, Milhouse.

(tires screech)

My inside's full of owies!

Okay, you killed a kid.

You better do really well
on the written portion.

(chuckles)
How do you like me now, karma?

We need to talk.

Not now.
I just escaped death.

Oh! It's so exhilarating.

I can grow up
and create a cure for...

♪ ♪

(gasps)
Oh. Back at the same beginning?

Okay. Okay.

I can solve this,
I can solve this,

I can solve this!
(grunts)

(shouts)

♪ ♪

(gasps)

(quietly):
Okay. To repeat,

I can solve this.

MARGE:
Lisa!

I know! I know!

Dad's gonna steal some icing!

HOMER:
Too late!

Got to talk fast.

We're both caught
in repeating time loops

where we die at the end.

RALPH:
I can burp magic.

Take two steps back, Ralph.

- Okay.
- (tires screech)

(crash)

(burps)

Trust me.

That helps us on so many levels.

Hey, maybe we're supposed
to work together

to save each other.

Boo-yeah!
(grunts)

(buzzing)

(sighs)
I guess that means

I have to throw myself
into the wood chipper?

Okay.

There's other alternatives!

Now you tell me!

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ Gotta get home
before the morning comes ♪

♪ What if I'm late,
got a big date ♪

♪ Gotta get home
before the sun comes up ♪

♪ Up and away, got a big day ♪

♪ Sorry can't stay ♪

♪ I gotta run. ♪

That's what I forgot
to screw in.

I'm glad we don't stay dead,

but this is getting
pretty annoying.

We need help.

Yes, we do.

And there's one man in town

who can help us
with time and eternity.

(organ playing)

Yes, you've come
to the right place.

The temporal loop
is simultaneously

the most ambitious and laziest
of the science fiction tropes.

Now, let me look
at my black mirror.

That's not a reference.

It's just, uh...
It's filthy.

Uh-huh.
So, how do we break the cycle?

I can tell you
what you seek to know,

but my price is...

One breakfast burrito,

all yolk, double bacon.

(gasps)
How did you...

Because this isn't the first
time we've come to you.

We've given you 987 burritos.

Wait, well, let's make it
a round thousand, shall we?

All right.
Here you go.

Temporal loops are broken
by being nice in Groundhog Day,

saving the whales
in Star Trek IV,

saying "Orange you glad
I didn't say 'banana'?"

in the knock-knock joke.

And in the case
of the movie Edge of Tomorrow,

it was stopped
by poor box office.

I suspect Tom Cruise fatigue.

Very... very deadly.

But we've tried all those.

I know this.
You two must each

use your special powers

to help the other,

like Superman and Batman.

Okay. I've got it.

My special power is insight,

and my insight into you is

we need to find
your missing father.

Or we could just kill Gil.

38-degree angle!

(grunts)

(grunts)

(gasps)
We're alive.

The loop is broken!

So, I guess we go back
to the way things were.

I'll miss you.

Thank you, Nelson.

You helped me be okay
with turning nine.

Once I get out of this loop,

I have the rest of my life
ahead of me.

And, as usual,
I've learned nothing!

(sighs)

- Mm, mm, mm!
- (grumbles)

Mom, I learned something
really important.

No day is ever perfect,

so just enjoy the day
that you have.

ALL:
Happy birthday, Lisa!

(gasps)
I'm finally nine!

And the universe
is back to normal.

(chuckles) Now I can watch
the food go in and out.

(woman shrieks)