The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 32, Episode 2 - I, Carumbus - full transcript
At a museum exhibit of Ancient Rome, Marge and Homer imagine themselves in Rome where Homer is more ambitious.
♪ ♪
bart: Mm. Hmm.
So ionic.
(yawns)
if I wanted to be bored
on a Saturday, I would have
signed up for that management
training program at work.
At least there I know
where the good toilets are.
Wait, what training program?
Oh, it's some dumb
career development thing
at the plant,
so you can become a manager
and have more responsibility.
(laughs)
who needs that trap?
But we could really
use more money.
You've had the same entry-level
job your whole career.
Hey, don't knock
entry level, marge.
At least I don't have
to wear long-sleeve shirts,
go to webinars
and supervise a bunch
of entry-level losers,
with their short-sleeve shirts.
Homer, I can't be
the only one in this family
who wants more for us.
(gasps) I want more.
I just don't want
to do anything to earn it.
For once in your life,
would it kill you
to show a little ambition?
- (huffs)
- (huffs)
ah, ambition is indeed
a timeless source of conflict.
(gasps) a lost senior.
(enunciating):
Where is your family?
As a matter of fact,
I just curated
an exhibit about a roman family
torn asunder
by the hunger for more.
The life of obeseus the wide.
Ooh, maybe
an historical allegory
could help us
work out our issues.
Once again, bickering in public
gets us free therapy
from strangers.
Bickering most tragic.
For ambition was the force
that built the roman empire
and that which tore it apart.
Obeseus was born
to a poor farmer
with much land,
but no ox to plow it.
So he improvised.
Life on the farm was cruel.
But it chiseled
young obeseus into quite
the italian beefcake.
Good news, plow son.
We finally got enough money
to buy us an ox.
Woo-hoo!
How'd you do that, father?
I sold you into slavery.
- Arrivederci, sucker.
- (grunts)
curator: A frightened obeseus
and his new work friends
were taken to rome.
The boys had never seen
anything like it... the crowds,
the noise, the grand scale
of the pornographic graffiti.
But the worst was yet to come.
Gentlemen,
today you have the honor
of being hacked to death
on the field of battle.
Us? But we're not gladiators.
Not with that attitude.
Remember, there are
no small wounds,
only small victims.
(whimpering)
(crowd cheering)
hailing from germania,
he's the saxon
who's always axe-in'...
Wolfus rein!
(cheering)
and in the shaking tunic,
hailing from who knows,
nobody cares...
That guy.
(booing)
- (whimpering)
- (growling)
someone's in here.
(grunts)
aah!
Curator:
Obeseus didn't know much,
but he knew how to be an ox.
(obeseus bellows)
- (grunting)
- (groaning)
juno, mother of apollo.
All right, pal,
should we call it a tie?
A-aah!
(cheering)
all hail our new champion,
mr. Plow himself,
obeseus!
- Yeah!
- (cheering)
oh...
That chiseled bumpkin
just killed
my prized psychopath.
Feed him to the hippos.
No, father, look how
the crowd loves him.
That hunky rube could put
a lot of togas in the seats.
Majora, you have quite the mind
for the family business.
The man-ox will live
to fight another day.
(lowing)
mm.
Curator: Obeseus' fame grew
as he rose through
the gladiatorial ranks.
Women wanted him
and men wanted
to be killed by him.
(cheering)
but still he yearned for that
which he longed for.
Majora: Eye... Heart... U!
Oh...
(sighs) you guys think
we'll ever be free again?
(scoffs) the only way
we're leaving this place
is carried out in chunks.
Uh, don't mind me, fellas.
Another clog in the chunk chute.
(chuckles)
they got to start cutting
you guys into smaller pieces.
Let us make a sacred pact
before the gods.
If one of us ever gets free,
he'll do everything he can
to free the rest of us.
To freedom.
All: To freedom!
Yeah, to freedom. (chuckles)
eh, you chunks are no fun.
Well, if it isn't
the champion of rome himself.
(gasps) lady majora.
What are you doing here?
I have to keep an eye
on my father's investments.
Plus, I like the way
your pecs dance
after you kill a guy.
(giggles) these old things?
Blip, blip, bla-bla, blip,
blip, bla-bla, blip.
(growls, laughs)
mm-hmm.
(sing-songy): Swish and slash
and spin and kick
and slice that belly
and hello, guts.
It would appear that one
of you lowly gladiators
has impregnated my daughter.
Tell me who laid with her,
and the rest of you
will be spared the lash.
Mm...
I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
I had sexicus.
You jerks!
You knew I liked her.
We were covering
for you, jackass.
Oh, right.
Sir, I'm in love
with your daughter.
If you must punish someone,
punish me.
Place his head
on the beheading block.
(gasps)
which is also
the unlocking block.
Rise, for you are now free...
Woo-hoo!
- ...To marry my daughter.
- D'oh!
(chuckling): I-I mean, great.
What could be more
liberating than marriage?
Curator:
The young lovers were wed
for all the gods to see.
And plans were made
for their future.
So that you may
build a life together,
I give you the deed
to one of my many businesses.
Oh, thank you, daddy.
I have so many great ideas.
Oh, my little vestal non-virgin,
leave the business talk
to the men.
(sighs)
now, obeseus,
to get things started,
please, take some slaves
on the house.
Aw, slaves? You shouldn't ha...
(gasps) I can't own my friends.
I swore a sacred oath
to free them.
Curator: Majora then understood:
For a woman to have
any voice in this world,
it would have to come out
of her husband's stupid mouth.
My love, you are so noble
to take on the backbreaking work
of four men,
day in, day out,
no matter how poor and hungry
- it shall leave you.
- (weak chuckle)
look, fellas, no one honors
oaths more than me.
No one.
Just give me a little time
till we get on our feet,
then I'll totally free you.
Management thanks you
for your patience.
Curator:
And, so, in choosing
greed over loyalty,
the young couple
began their rise to power...
And their fall from grace.
Well, now I feel stupid
getting them a wedding gift.
(whines)
curator: Obeseus entered
the second act of his life
running the dirty,
bloody business
given to him
by his father-in-law...
A laundromat.
(yawns)
curator:
Fun fact: In ancient rome,
clothes were washed
with ammonia, which
is derived from human urine.
What's up, dad?
How's the whiz biz?
- Mellow and yellow.
- (laughs)
why is the store closed?
It's only noon.
Me and the fellas
are all peed out.
How am I supposed to make things
clean without human waste?
This business has been
failing for years
because you've been
phoning it in.
Figure it out.
Hey, uh, "boss"? (groans)
we came up with an idea that
could increase ammonia
production.
All you got to do is put
these jugs outside of taverns,
and you'll get
your urinus gratis.
Crowdsourcing
a streaming service, eh?
- I'm a genius!
- (all huff)
♪ ♪
curator:
Stealing the idea
of his indentured friends,
obeseus was soon flush
- in liquid assets.
- (sloshing)
and he was able
to move his family
to the more prosperous
side of town.
("movin' on up"
playing in latin)
lennus, I'm fatigued.
Yawn for me?
(yawns loudly)
obeseus, we gave you
the idea that made you rich.
How about making good
on your promise,
and freeing us now?
Guys, guys, guys,
thank you so much
for bringing this up.
I'm really lucky
to own friends like you.
Tell you what,
I'll have my accountant
crunch the letters,
and we'll circle back.
The important thing is
we started a conversation.
(all grumble)
♪ ♪
and now let us
thank lord jupiter
for a bountiful harvest
by draining the blood
of this baby goat.
- (bleats)
- (grunts)
aw, these seats suck.
Can't even see
the entrails from here.
Well, they save all
the best seats for the senators.
(homer whines)
hmm.
What if you became a senator?
Think about how much
more respected we'd be.
I don't know.
It sounds like a lot of work.
Sitting there all day,
listening, voting on stuff
with my thumb.
But think of the perks.
You'll get invited
to fancier orgies.
- The kinds with women.
- They have those?
Curator:
And with that, obeseus
marched down the appian way
to plead his case
to the emperor,
confident that he would be
welcomed into the senate.
(laughs) the pee guy, a senator?
That would be an insult
to the dignity of this office.
Now if you'll excuse me,
senator horse and I
are going shopping
for lewd pottery.
Oh...
Stupid emperor.
Thinks he's great
'cause his bangs are so curly.
Oh, majora's gonna be so mad.
I'd do anything to be a senator.
Anything, eh?
You know, as the emperor's
politically adopted son,
I am next in line to the throne
should anything happen to...
(chuckles) daddy.
Like, say, him slipping
and falling back-first
onto a knife.
Oh, that happened to me once.
Sucked.
(groans) kill the emperor
and I'll make you a senator.
(gasps) kill the emperor
to become senator?
But what's in it for me?
Curator: Jacta alea est.
The die was cast.
♪ when in rome you do
as the romans do ♪
♪ you play as the romans
play together. ♪
Hey, get out of here, you.
This is my private vomitorium
and I've got a belly
full of hot figs. (heaves)
- (groans)
- come on, you figs. (heaves)
(grunting)
et... Tu... Pee guy?
- (grunts)
- (whimpers)
(laughs) history rules!
(grunts)
poor majora.
She wanted her husband
to be more ambitious,
but not like this.
Well, actually...
Mm-hmm. (exclaims)
give me a kiss,
you big, stabby go-getter.
- Ooh.
- (moaning)
(majora chuckles)
I love my job.
Curator:
Over the next ten years,
senator obeseus' power
grew vastly,
as did his toga size.
And majora reveled
in the high status,
hosting the town's elite
at her lavish saturnalia party.
(laughs)
I love your holiday decorations.
It lets those pesky christians
know they aren't going to win
the war on saturnalia.
So, noble slaves,
what gift do you desire
from your benevolent master?
Uh... Our friggin' freedom.
Yeah, well,
the thing about that is...
Why do we even bother
asking anymore?
He's never gonna free us.
This has been
building up for a while:
You give slave owners
a bad name.
(gasps) what?
- (sighs) what a giant jerk.
- Ugh, he's the worst.
Dad, bartigula's out of control.
Look what he's doing
to ptolemaic book guy.
- Ow.
- Why are you flaying yourself?
- Ow!
- Why are you flaying yourself?
An interesting paradox.
For does free will
truly exist or... Ow!
Growing up rich and spoiled
has turned your son
into a monster.
It's not my fault.
I never spend any time with him.
(grumbles)
aw.
My son's a maniac.
My daughter's not a son.
My slaves hate me
for some reason.
(sighs) heavy lies the head
that wears the wig
of curly bangs.
Mm.
I'm spent.
Just gonna take a bath in warm
donkey milk and go to sleep.
I can't believe the emperor
didn't even come to my party.
He wouldn't even be emperor
if not for you.
Yeah, well, what do you want me
to do about it...
Kill the emperor?
Well, if that's what you want.
You can even
use the present I got you.
Sweet jumpin' jupiter!
What more do you want?
We started at the bottom
and now we're
one rung from the top.
It's a natural stopping point.
Will you never be satisfied?
Pardon me, senator.
I'm sorry you find my ambition
so distasteful.
Just remember:
Power comes to those
who take it.
Mmm. (chuckles)
aw, yeah. Yeah.
Milk, milk, milk.
- ♪ ♪ - (cheering)
to the roman empire.
May it last forever,
in some strange form or another.
Ooh.
Can't be too careful these days.
Oh, taster.
- (grunting)
- poison.
Some has tried to kill me.
(gasps) you didn't?
You wouldn't.
When I find whoever did this,
I will crush them like a...
(grunts)
(sniffs)
- (all gasp)
- the emperor is dead!
Who will nominate his successor?
Friends, romans, countrymen.
That's me.
We deserve an emperor who can
boldly lead us into the future.
My son, bartigula.
Wha?!
He was born rich,
so he got to be good
at business.
(chanting): Bartigula!
Bartigula! Bartigula!
Bartigula!
Curator:
And so began the reign
of bartigula the jerk.
Eager to expand the empire,
he declared war
on neptune, god of the sea.
Despite some early victories,
thousands drowned.
Bartigula blamed
the troubles of rome
on foreign invaders.
So he built a large and
expensive wall to keep them out.
Awk, who needs ya?
Ya carthage-sacking
aqueduct guzzlers.
Curator:
And finally,
to silence his critics,
bartigula dissolved the senate.
Aah!
Curator:
The young emperor
had gone mad with power.
And syphilis.
Listen up, rome-wads.
The empire's in crisis,
the economy's
in the crapatorium,
and neptune's
kicking our butts, somehow.
I now realize...
I can no longer be your emperor.
Oh. Phew.
Because I am now your god!
(crowd clamoring)
that's it. I'm taking a stand.
(grunting)
my son isn't a god.
He's just
an entitled little psycho.
Society must come to its senses
and overthrow this madman!
- Uh... Uh...
- Hmm. I don't know.
Blasphemy! Seize him!
For your heresy, father,
I sentence you
to be eaten by the lions.
(gasps)
hmm.
We're gonna need more lions.
Why are we here?
They said I could bring
a couple of belongings.
Hey, this is where we made
our freedom pact, remember?
The one you refused to honor
for 20 years.
(sighs) not freeing you guys
was the first worst thing
I ever did,
but I hereby decree you
to be emancipated.
Now face the dawn as free men.
- We're in a jail cell, you dope.
- (whines)
father, we have
to get you out of the city.
Hurry, and you can still escape.
No, I'm not going to run.
Because you physically can't?
Yes, mostly, but also
because we have to stop
bartigula and save the republic.
Are you fellas with me?
Uh... No.
(groans)
oh.
Curator:
Though he had lost everything,
obeseus still had the heart
of a warrior.
(laughing)
looks like hannibal's
missing an elephant.
- (laughter)
- oh, yeah.
All hail the living god.
We who are about to die
salute you.
- Oh!
- (crowd laughing)
(groans)
you dare show me
your moon flaps?
I will teach this old fool
who is the true gluteus maximus.
Bartigula, no!
Curator:
There, in front of all rome,
father and son
engaged in bloody battle.
(whimpers)
curator: Bartigula was fast,
but obeseus was fatter.
(grunts)
(growling)
crowd (chanting):
Kill the god! Kill the god!
Obe, please spare our boy.
What?
(chuckles)
sic semper this, you fat load.
Why, you littleus...
(both grunting)
no!
(panting) my life is over.
I failed rome,
was a less-than-perfect father.
Worst of all,
I really
screwed over my friends.
May the... Gods...
Forgive me.
(grunts)
I poisoned everything I loved
with my boundless ambition.
My family is no more.
(sighs)
mom, what about me?
We never really... Clicked.
Curator:
With that, the match was lit
that would burn rome
to the ground...
400 years later.
Haw-haw!
Who knew
history could be so sad?
The moral
of that story is clear:
Marge is wrong
and ambition is terrible.
No, no, no. The lesson
is that the unchecked lust
for money and power can bring
a once-great nation to ruin.
Does anyone think it was weird
that dad killed me?
Don't blame me.
Blame your mother.
I just wanted you to go to
one lousy training seminar.
Did you not even listen
to the old guy's story about...
- (overlapping chatter)
- (curator groans)
when will humanity ever learn...
To stop letting stupid people
into museums?
-(overlapping chatter)
-they're missing the whole point.
If rome had kept worshipping us,
everything would have been fine.
Get over it, dad.
You always get so worked up
whenever you watch the mortals.
Can we change the channel?
This show sucks now.
Yeah, it's totally gone
off the rails since season 2016.
I know, but I want
to see how it ends.
Definitely feels
like they're wrapping it up.
Any day now.
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
♪ when in rome
you do like the romans do ♪
♪ you play like
the romans play together ♪
♪ you're all invited,
so right this way ♪
♪ you're gonna
meet the roman holidays. ♪
bart: Mm. Hmm.
So ionic.
(yawns)
if I wanted to be bored
on a Saturday, I would have
signed up for that management
training program at work.
At least there I know
where the good toilets are.
Wait, what training program?
Oh, it's some dumb
career development thing
at the plant,
so you can become a manager
and have more responsibility.
(laughs)
who needs that trap?
But we could really
use more money.
You've had the same entry-level
job your whole career.
Hey, don't knock
entry level, marge.
At least I don't have
to wear long-sleeve shirts,
go to webinars
and supervise a bunch
of entry-level losers,
with their short-sleeve shirts.
Homer, I can't be
the only one in this family
who wants more for us.
(gasps) I want more.
I just don't want
to do anything to earn it.
For once in your life,
would it kill you
to show a little ambition?
- (huffs)
- (huffs)
ah, ambition is indeed
a timeless source of conflict.
(gasps) a lost senior.
(enunciating):
Where is your family?
As a matter of fact,
I just curated
an exhibit about a roman family
torn asunder
by the hunger for more.
The life of obeseus the wide.
Ooh, maybe
an historical allegory
could help us
work out our issues.
Once again, bickering in public
gets us free therapy
from strangers.
Bickering most tragic.
For ambition was the force
that built the roman empire
and that which tore it apart.
Obeseus was born
to a poor farmer
with much land,
but no ox to plow it.
So he improvised.
Life on the farm was cruel.
But it chiseled
young obeseus into quite
the italian beefcake.
Good news, plow son.
We finally got enough money
to buy us an ox.
Woo-hoo!
How'd you do that, father?
I sold you into slavery.
- Arrivederci, sucker.
- (grunts)
curator: A frightened obeseus
and his new work friends
were taken to rome.
The boys had never seen
anything like it... the crowds,
the noise, the grand scale
of the pornographic graffiti.
But the worst was yet to come.
Gentlemen,
today you have the honor
of being hacked to death
on the field of battle.
Us? But we're not gladiators.
Not with that attitude.
Remember, there are
no small wounds,
only small victims.
(whimpering)
(crowd cheering)
hailing from germania,
he's the saxon
who's always axe-in'...
Wolfus rein!
(cheering)
and in the shaking tunic,
hailing from who knows,
nobody cares...
That guy.
(booing)
- (whimpering)
- (growling)
someone's in here.
(grunts)
aah!
Curator:
Obeseus didn't know much,
but he knew how to be an ox.
(obeseus bellows)
- (grunting)
- (groaning)
juno, mother of apollo.
All right, pal,
should we call it a tie?
A-aah!
(cheering)
all hail our new champion,
mr. Plow himself,
obeseus!
- Yeah!
- (cheering)
oh...
That chiseled bumpkin
just killed
my prized psychopath.
Feed him to the hippos.
No, father, look how
the crowd loves him.
That hunky rube could put
a lot of togas in the seats.
Majora, you have quite the mind
for the family business.
The man-ox will live
to fight another day.
(lowing)
mm.
Curator: Obeseus' fame grew
as he rose through
the gladiatorial ranks.
Women wanted him
and men wanted
to be killed by him.
(cheering)
but still he yearned for that
which he longed for.
Majora: Eye... Heart... U!
Oh...
(sighs) you guys think
we'll ever be free again?
(scoffs) the only way
we're leaving this place
is carried out in chunks.
Uh, don't mind me, fellas.
Another clog in the chunk chute.
(chuckles)
they got to start cutting
you guys into smaller pieces.
Let us make a sacred pact
before the gods.
If one of us ever gets free,
he'll do everything he can
to free the rest of us.
To freedom.
All: To freedom!
Yeah, to freedom. (chuckles)
eh, you chunks are no fun.
Well, if it isn't
the champion of rome himself.
(gasps) lady majora.
What are you doing here?
I have to keep an eye
on my father's investments.
Plus, I like the way
your pecs dance
after you kill a guy.
(giggles) these old things?
Blip, blip, bla-bla, blip,
blip, bla-bla, blip.
(growls, laughs)
mm-hmm.
(sing-songy): Swish and slash
and spin and kick
and slice that belly
and hello, guts.
It would appear that one
of you lowly gladiators
has impregnated my daughter.
Tell me who laid with her,
and the rest of you
will be spared the lash.
Mm...
I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.
I had sexicus.
You jerks!
You knew I liked her.
We were covering
for you, jackass.
Oh, right.
Sir, I'm in love
with your daughter.
If you must punish someone,
punish me.
Place his head
on the beheading block.
(gasps)
which is also
the unlocking block.
Rise, for you are now free...
Woo-hoo!
- ...To marry my daughter.
- D'oh!
(chuckling): I-I mean, great.
What could be more
liberating than marriage?
Curator:
The young lovers were wed
for all the gods to see.
And plans were made
for their future.
So that you may
build a life together,
I give you the deed
to one of my many businesses.
Oh, thank you, daddy.
I have so many great ideas.
Oh, my little vestal non-virgin,
leave the business talk
to the men.
(sighs)
now, obeseus,
to get things started,
please, take some slaves
on the house.
Aw, slaves? You shouldn't ha...
(gasps) I can't own my friends.
I swore a sacred oath
to free them.
Curator: Majora then understood:
For a woman to have
any voice in this world,
it would have to come out
of her husband's stupid mouth.
My love, you are so noble
to take on the backbreaking work
of four men,
day in, day out,
no matter how poor and hungry
- it shall leave you.
- (weak chuckle)
look, fellas, no one honors
oaths more than me.
No one.
Just give me a little time
till we get on our feet,
then I'll totally free you.
Management thanks you
for your patience.
Curator:
And, so, in choosing
greed over loyalty,
the young couple
began their rise to power...
And their fall from grace.
Well, now I feel stupid
getting them a wedding gift.
(whines)
curator: Obeseus entered
the second act of his life
running the dirty,
bloody business
given to him
by his father-in-law...
A laundromat.
(yawns)
curator:
Fun fact: In ancient rome,
clothes were washed
with ammonia, which
is derived from human urine.
What's up, dad?
How's the whiz biz?
- Mellow and yellow.
- (laughs)
why is the store closed?
It's only noon.
Me and the fellas
are all peed out.
How am I supposed to make things
clean without human waste?
This business has been
failing for years
because you've been
phoning it in.
Figure it out.
Hey, uh, "boss"? (groans)
we came up with an idea that
could increase ammonia
production.
All you got to do is put
these jugs outside of taverns,
and you'll get
your urinus gratis.
Crowdsourcing
a streaming service, eh?
- I'm a genius!
- (all huff)
♪ ♪
curator:
Stealing the idea
of his indentured friends,
obeseus was soon flush
- in liquid assets.
- (sloshing)
and he was able
to move his family
to the more prosperous
side of town.
("movin' on up"
playing in latin)
lennus, I'm fatigued.
Yawn for me?
(yawns loudly)
obeseus, we gave you
the idea that made you rich.
How about making good
on your promise,
and freeing us now?
Guys, guys, guys,
thank you so much
for bringing this up.
I'm really lucky
to own friends like you.
Tell you what,
I'll have my accountant
crunch the letters,
and we'll circle back.
The important thing is
we started a conversation.
(all grumble)
♪ ♪
and now let us
thank lord jupiter
for a bountiful harvest
by draining the blood
of this baby goat.
- (bleats)
- (grunts)
aw, these seats suck.
Can't even see
the entrails from here.
Well, they save all
the best seats for the senators.
(homer whines)
hmm.
What if you became a senator?
Think about how much
more respected we'd be.
I don't know.
It sounds like a lot of work.
Sitting there all day,
listening, voting on stuff
with my thumb.
But think of the perks.
You'll get invited
to fancier orgies.
- The kinds with women.
- They have those?
Curator:
And with that, obeseus
marched down the appian way
to plead his case
to the emperor,
confident that he would be
welcomed into the senate.
(laughs) the pee guy, a senator?
That would be an insult
to the dignity of this office.
Now if you'll excuse me,
senator horse and I
are going shopping
for lewd pottery.
Oh...
Stupid emperor.
Thinks he's great
'cause his bangs are so curly.
Oh, majora's gonna be so mad.
I'd do anything to be a senator.
Anything, eh?
You know, as the emperor's
politically adopted son,
I am next in line to the throne
should anything happen to...
(chuckles) daddy.
Like, say, him slipping
and falling back-first
onto a knife.
Oh, that happened to me once.
Sucked.
(groans) kill the emperor
and I'll make you a senator.
(gasps) kill the emperor
to become senator?
But what's in it for me?
Curator: Jacta alea est.
The die was cast.
♪ when in rome you do
as the romans do ♪
♪ you play as the romans
play together. ♪
Hey, get out of here, you.
This is my private vomitorium
and I've got a belly
full of hot figs. (heaves)
- (groans)
- come on, you figs. (heaves)
(grunting)
et... Tu... Pee guy?
- (grunts)
- (whimpers)
(laughs) history rules!
(grunts)
poor majora.
She wanted her husband
to be more ambitious,
but not like this.
Well, actually...
Mm-hmm. (exclaims)
give me a kiss,
you big, stabby go-getter.
- Ooh.
- (moaning)
(majora chuckles)
I love my job.
Curator:
Over the next ten years,
senator obeseus' power
grew vastly,
as did his toga size.
And majora reveled
in the high status,
hosting the town's elite
at her lavish saturnalia party.
(laughs)
I love your holiday decorations.
It lets those pesky christians
know they aren't going to win
the war on saturnalia.
So, noble slaves,
what gift do you desire
from your benevolent master?
Uh... Our friggin' freedom.
Yeah, well,
the thing about that is...
Why do we even bother
asking anymore?
He's never gonna free us.
This has been
building up for a while:
You give slave owners
a bad name.
(gasps) what?
- (sighs) what a giant jerk.
- Ugh, he's the worst.
Dad, bartigula's out of control.
Look what he's doing
to ptolemaic book guy.
- Ow.
- Why are you flaying yourself?
- Ow!
- Why are you flaying yourself?
An interesting paradox.
For does free will
truly exist or... Ow!
Growing up rich and spoiled
has turned your son
into a monster.
It's not my fault.
I never spend any time with him.
(grumbles)
aw.
My son's a maniac.
My daughter's not a son.
My slaves hate me
for some reason.
(sighs) heavy lies the head
that wears the wig
of curly bangs.
Mm.
I'm spent.
Just gonna take a bath in warm
donkey milk and go to sleep.
I can't believe the emperor
didn't even come to my party.
He wouldn't even be emperor
if not for you.
Yeah, well, what do you want me
to do about it...
Kill the emperor?
Well, if that's what you want.
You can even
use the present I got you.
Sweet jumpin' jupiter!
What more do you want?
We started at the bottom
and now we're
one rung from the top.
It's a natural stopping point.
Will you never be satisfied?
Pardon me, senator.
I'm sorry you find my ambition
so distasteful.
Just remember:
Power comes to those
who take it.
Mmm. (chuckles)
aw, yeah. Yeah.
Milk, milk, milk.
- ♪ ♪ - (cheering)
to the roman empire.
May it last forever,
in some strange form or another.
Ooh.
Can't be too careful these days.
Oh, taster.
- (grunting)
- poison.
Some has tried to kill me.
(gasps) you didn't?
You wouldn't.
When I find whoever did this,
I will crush them like a...
(grunts)
(sniffs)
- (all gasp)
- the emperor is dead!
Who will nominate his successor?
Friends, romans, countrymen.
That's me.
We deserve an emperor who can
boldly lead us into the future.
My son, bartigula.
Wha?!
He was born rich,
so he got to be good
at business.
(chanting): Bartigula!
Bartigula! Bartigula!
Bartigula!
Curator:
And so began the reign
of bartigula the jerk.
Eager to expand the empire,
he declared war
on neptune, god of the sea.
Despite some early victories,
thousands drowned.
Bartigula blamed
the troubles of rome
on foreign invaders.
So he built a large and
expensive wall to keep them out.
Awk, who needs ya?
Ya carthage-sacking
aqueduct guzzlers.
Curator:
And finally,
to silence his critics,
bartigula dissolved the senate.
Aah!
Curator:
The young emperor
had gone mad with power.
And syphilis.
Listen up, rome-wads.
The empire's in crisis,
the economy's
in the crapatorium,
and neptune's
kicking our butts, somehow.
I now realize...
I can no longer be your emperor.
Oh. Phew.
Because I am now your god!
(crowd clamoring)
that's it. I'm taking a stand.
(grunting)
my son isn't a god.
He's just
an entitled little psycho.
Society must come to its senses
and overthrow this madman!
- Uh... Uh...
- Hmm. I don't know.
Blasphemy! Seize him!
For your heresy, father,
I sentence you
to be eaten by the lions.
(gasps)
hmm.
We're gonna need more lions.
Why are we here?
They said I could bring
a couple of belongings.
Hey, this is where we made
our freedom pact, remember?
The one you refused to honor
for 20 years.
(sighs) not freeing you guys
was the first worst thing
I ever did,
but I hereby decree you
to be emancipated.
Now face the dawn as free men.
- We're in a jail cell, you dope.
- (whines)
father, we have
to get you out of the city.
Hurry, and you can still escape.
No, I'm not going to run.
Because you physically can't?
Yes, mostly, but also
because we have to stop
bartigula and save the republic.
Are you fellas with me?
Uh... No.
(groans)
oh.
Curator:
Though he had lost everything,
obeseus still had the heart
of a warrior.
(laughing)
looks like hannibal's
missing an elephant.
- (laughter)
- oh, yeah.
All hail the living god.
We who are about to die
salute you.
- Oh!
- (crowd laughing)
(groans)
you dare show me
your moon flaps?
I will teach this old fool
who is the true gluteus maximus.
Bartigula, no!
Curator:
There, in front of all rome,
father and son
engaged in bloody battle.
(whimpers)
curator: Bartigula was fast,
but obeseus was fatter.
(grunts)
(growling)
crowd (chanting):
Kill the god! Kill the god!
Obe, please spare our boy.
What?
(chuckles)
sic semper this, you fat load.
Why, you littleus...
(both grunting)
no!
(panting) my life is over.
I failed rome,
was a less-than-perfect father.
Worst of all,
I really
screwed over my friends.
May the... Gods...
Forgive me.
(grunts)
I poisoned everything I loved
with my boundless ambition.
My family is no more.
(sighs)
mom, what about me?
We never really... Clicked.
Curator:
With that, the match was lit
that would burn rome
to the ground...
400 years later.
Haw-haw!
Who knew
history could be so sad?
The moral
of that story is clear:
Marge is wrong
and ambition is terrible.
No, no, no. The lesson
is that the unchecked lust
for money and power can bring
a once-great nation to ruin.
Does anyone think it was weird
that dad killed me?
Don't blame me.
Blame your mother.
I just wanted you to go to
one lousy training seminar.
Did you not even listen
to the old guy's story about...
- (overlapping chatter)
- (curator groans)
when will humanity ever learn...
To stop letting stupid people
into museums?
-(overlapping chatter)
-they're missing the whole point.
If rome had kept worshipping us,
everything would have been fine.
Get over it, dad.
You always get so worked up
whenever you watch the mortals.
Can we change the channel?
This show sucks now.
Yeah, it's totally gone
off the rails since season 2016.
I know, but I want
to see how it ends.
Definitely feels
like they're wrapping it up.
Any day now.
Captioned by
media access group at wgbh
♪ when in rome
you do like the romans do ♪
♪ you play like
the romans play together ♪
♪ you're all invited,
so right this way ♪
♪ you're gonna
meet the roman holidays. ♪