The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 32, Episode 14 - Yokel Hero - full transcript

Cletus becomes a singing sensation and ruins everything when he turns on his fans, while Homer becomes a new man.

(bird caws)

SEVERAL MEN:
♪ Happy birthday, dear Carl ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

LENNY: ♪ And Lenny More... ♪

Carl, for your birthday,
I oiled your barstool.

(groans)

- (Carl retches)
- (phone vibrates)

- Y'ello.
- It's me, Homer.

Marge, I'm so sorry
I'm still here.

It's just, it's Carl's birthday.

Right. It's Carl's birthday.



Then it's Lenny's half birthday.

Then it's Canadian Thanksgiving.

Don't forget Tu BiShvat,
the Jewish Arbor Day.

(groans) Just don't
drive home drunk, Homer.

I'm serious.

(groaning)

Sometimes there's advantages
to living and dying alone.

I could drive off a cliff,
free as a bird.

I'm heading home now.

- Moe, take my keys.
- Yeah, you got it, pal.

I'll keep 'em safe
till you're sober.

Make me two sets of these

and get 'em to me
by closing time.

(chuckles slyly)



(grunting drunkenly)

Homer, Homer,
let-let me call you an Uber.

Are you, uh...

Homer?

Geez, you're better off walking.

Take me to Moe's.

Hey. We're here.

You're good. Five stars.

♪ There's liquor on my brain ♪

♪ I'm peeing in the drain ♪

♪ What a glorious feeling ♪

♪ I'm blotto again ♪

♪ I'm talking too loud ♪

- ♪ Being friendly with Kirk ♪
- (yells)

♪ There's no way in hell ♪

♪ I'll be ready for work. ♪

We have other cops in this town?

Marge, um, you see,
there's a little hitch.

I'm in jail...

I knew it.
I knew you'd screw up.

I wasn't driving. I was walking.

I wasn't a danger,
just a disgrace.

Don't come home tonight.

- But...
- Just don't.

(groans)

(sobbing)

I always thought that
rock bottom would feel more fun.

Well, sometimes
when you're at rock bottom,

anywhere you look,
you can see the stars.

- Cletus!
- Hiya, friend.

What you said is very wise.

Well, I went to M.I.T.T.

The Mississippi Institute
of Trailer Trash.

Go, Book Burners.

- (chuckles)
- What are you in for?

Oh, cops don't respect
us hill folk.

Every three months,
they shut down my still

and take the hooch.

Hey, this moonshine
made me go blind!

Oh, wait,
my hat's just over my eyes.

(chuckles)

Oh, wait. I am blind.

At least your wife's
not mad at you.

Aw, well.

Hey, Officer!
This prison got itself a guitar?

Of course.

Yeah, I prefer acoustic.

Well, since neither of us
can be home tonight,

let me bring home to us.

♪ I had all the wealth
that a man could want ♪

♪ A wife and some kids ♪

♪ Who love me ♪

♪ Apple blossoms ♪

♪ And tasty possums ♪

♪ And the good Lord ♪

♪ Up above me ♪

(sobbing)

♪ Fort Knox don't compare ♪

♪ To what we got there ♪

♪ 'Cause our home is where ♪

♪ My gold is. ♪

Yes, it is.

Officer Lou, does this jail have
a self-reflection mirror?

Here you go.

I got to be a better man.

For Marge and the kids
and Grampa

and the dog.

Don't you have a cat?

Screw the cat.

Kids?

Wake up.

I've got
something important to say.

Now, I've got a confession
to make.

Your father spent last night
in the drunk tank.

- Pay up, Lis.
- Oh, why do I keep betting on

"working late to pay
for my college"?

Well, from now on,
put your money on

"comes home
and sets a perfect example."

Good morning, Homer.

Young man, stand up
when a lady enters the room.

Especially a fine woman
like your ma.

You still pickled?

On your feet, boy!

Gee, thank you, Homie.

I'm a changed man, Marge.

Now, let us join hands
in prayer.

Are we gonna get food after?

- No.
- Did somebody croak?

- No.
- Did you buy a Powerball ticket?

I just want to say
a lousy prayer, okay?!

Lord, we humbly ask you
to bless this family

and keep us mindful
to care one for the other.

Amen.

OTHERS: Amen.

Sweetie, what's gotten into you?

I'm a new, better man,
thanks to Cletus.

Huh. You know what?

I believe you.

HOMER: And that was that.

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We ain't done.

We got two more acts.

And a "whittled by" credit.

(upbeat, melodic whistling)

Hi, Homie. Remember anything
from last night?

I remember I'm a better man.

(gasps) It stuck!

I don't forget important things.

Where the hell's my car?

(chuckles)

Just once, I wanted to feel
like a man who owned a car.

(laughs)

Marge, kids, this is the man
that turned me around.

What, this goober?

No, my wife's family is Goobers.

I come from a long line
of No-Accounts.

(Cletus chuckles)

♪ I woke from my dreamin' ♪

♪ With my love, Brandine ♪

- (pig squeals)
- ♪ The gal I got pregnant ♪

♪ When we was 16. ♪

Aw. No one sweet-talks me
like you, goat lips.

(loud smooching)

Cletus, you changed my life.

How would you like for me
to change yours?

You ain't pitchin' me
on a pyramid scheme, is you?

'Cause if so, I'm in.

No, no, no. The world's got
to hear what you've got to say.

Well, I'll be daggadoobedubbit.

Why'd you bring me
to a parking lot?

Hey, if it's to find baby names,

I already gots Camry,
Festiva, Compact Only

and Denver Boot.

No, no, no.

We're gonna start
your singing career right here.

(bellowing)

S-Singing career?

If you can reach an audience
the way you reached me...

Did you ever see A Star Is Born

with Bradley Cooper
and Lady Gaga?

- No.
- How about with Barbra Streisand
and Kris Kristofferson?

- No, sir.
- James Mason and Judy Garland?

Oh, no.
Just What Price Hollywood?

With Constance Bennett
and Lowell Sherman,

upon which A Star Is Born
is based.

Whatever. I can make you a star.

My pappy's gon' manage you.

Whoa diggity!

Your future's brighter
than a polecat in a henhouse.

Hey, if you're
gonna speak hillbilly,

practice your enuncification.

Use your adverbs proper-like,
dad gummitly.

- Yes'm.
- We's powerful sorry.

Well, I do need to find a way
to make a living,

since Wiggum shut me down.

And I swore I would
never go back to retail...

Which means putting tails back
on animals.

You got any experience?

(quietly):
I once managed
a beautiful woman

who was not my wife.

It ended the way you'd expect.

12 gold records.

(Marge groans)

But I promise I'll always
shoot straight with you,

unless we're actually using
real guns.

In which case I always
blast randomly in a circle.

Do we have a deal?

Whoa, not so fast there.

Show business has screwed up
a lot of country folk,

from Elvis to Britney.

And Mister Ed.

Did you know that he was
a heroin addict?

A horse on horse?

Of course, of course.

Look, I'll do the dirty work.

Now, here's
the standard contract.

CLETUS: Hmm.

Well, let me just give this
a quick gander.

Come here, gander.

- (honking)
- (grunting)

Okay, yeah, all right.
We got a deal.

(upbeat song playing)

(song ends)

HOMER: Mm-hmm.

Homie, should our kids be here
this late?

I'm a family man now.

And a family man does things
with his family.

- I have math homework.
- Do it at the bar.

Okay, let's see.

I've got to draw
a perfect circle.

MAN: There you go.

Th-Thank you.

Uh, follow me, boys.

A-one and a-two,

- and a-one and a-two and a...
- (whispers)

Three? When did that happen?

(playing up-tempo beat)

♪ Out in the country ♪

♪ They ain't no nine-to-five ♪

♪ We don't get promoted ♪

♪ It's a fight to stay alive ♪

♪ We lean on our family ♪

♪ When times is gettin' hard ♪

♪ We're broke and we're dirty ♪

♪ And we ain't too smart, mm ♪

♪ But hey, hey ♪

♪ Here's what I got to say ♪

♪ You can keep your mansions ♪

♪ And you can keep your yachts ♪

♪ I ain't needin' nothin'
'cept for everything I gots ♪

♪ And I thank the Lord
for that ♪

That's me.

♪ When I count my blessings
every night ♪

♪ Got my wife and my kids
and a belly full of ribs ♪

♪ Lord up above
and a whole lot of love ♪

♪ Wife and my kids
and a belly full of ribs ♪

♪ And I thank the Lord above. ♪

#RisingStar.

#FleetwoodHick.

#KanyeWestVirginia.

#YokelOno.

#OkefenokeeKaraoke.

And send.

(humming a tune)

Ah, Elin,
I thought I'd find you dancing.

Yes, I'm exactly as I seem.

- Well, I...
- Quiet! (sniffs)

Someone's getting clicks.

Our next guest is
from America's heartland.

Up-bup-bup!

Not on my white furniture,
please.

(cheering, applause)

(louder cheering)

Not loud enough!
Not loud enough!

Don't make me make you dance!

(murmuring)

Get me a new audience.

(all screaming)

Howdy do, Elin?

You sure do look different
in person than you do

in them Finding Nemo movies.

(laughs) You know, Cletus,
I've heard your fans

will do anything you say.

Oh, that can't be true.

- Try it.
- Nah, go on.

It's my show. Do as I say.

Well, Elin, we got ourselves
a police chief

in our town
by the name of Wiggum.

Now, I ain't got nothing
agin him, mind you,

but if you is my fans, here's
what I want you to do to him.

Something is going on here.

Something weird.

Okay, help. Police!

(sighs) Never a cop around
when you need one.

Well, I want to thank you,
my friend.

You changed my life.

I was nothing but a zero
when I met you,

but now I'm ten times that.

Come here, you.

(grunting)

Homer, stand up.

I want you to know
that I'm firing you

and I'm replacing you
with a professional.

Aw, nothing ever good happens
when you talk

to the person sitting
next to you on an airplane.

Uh, Homer, this here is a feller

what wants to be my new manager.

- And you're letting him?
- Yeah, I don't know why.

There's just, there's something
about him, you know?

Cletus, Cletus.

Listen to how I say this.

It's something everyone says,
but when I say it,

you will never hear it like this
as long as you live.

I make it very special.

How are you?

Ooh, I just got goose bumps.

Say it again.

No. Listen to me. I love you.

I am in love with you.
This is real.

Once you sign with me,
you can call me up at 3:00

in the morning... I won't be mad.

I'll say, "What's wrong, boobie?
I love you."

-(whoops)
-I can't believe you're thinking
of signing with him.

The way you changed my life
when we were in jail?

That means nothing to you?

My friend, what happens in jail
stays in jail.

Unless it's breaking
out of jail.

Well, all I have to offer
is my friendship

and the fact that you wouldn't
be here if not for me.

That's your closer?
That's pitiful.

I don't love you.

Here's my closer. Spuckman!

Duffman?

Now I'm Spuckman.

Because Duff replaced me
with a hard-partying cat.

Me-ow!

Clifford, we're gonna
market your dreck

as "Spuckler Family Moonshine,"
internationally.

We'll say it's made by people

who actually wash their hands
voluntarily,

not 'cause of some sign.

Hey, man, mine's all brewed
from pure mountain water

from out behind
the DuPont factory.

I'm going to assume
that's a joke.

(laughs)

But fun's for another time.

We're gonna make you bigger
than Campbell's Soup.

Not tomato or chicken noodle.
That would be impossible.

But there's one of them
where they put in potatoes.

We'll make you bigger than that.

Now, why don't you pick
one of these Hollywood actresses

to play your wife
in the commercial?

Anyone you want. Just pick.

Oh, I like this one.

Oh, she'll never work with you.

Pick an ugly one.

Well, what about Brandine?

Aw, she'll always be
my first love

and second cousin. (exhales)

Well, this was
a very good meeting.

And welcome to UPM.

Here's a blank page... sign it.

We'll fill in the rest.

Give me a hug.

No, that's not a hug.

A Hollywood hug.

- Get him off. Get him off!
- (Cletus groans)

And now your picture goes up
on our wall of fame.

Bert and Ernie? I don't even
think they're living.

Hey, IMDb Bert and Ernie,
will you?

Do puppets die?

Hey, why does the Pope have
no merchandise?

Can't we come up with a little
doohickey you put on your desk

that blows a colored smoke when
you're picked for something?

Everything he taught me
was a lie.

Maybe, but think
what you became.

A better husband.

A better father.

You can still be one.

Nah.

Hmm. Why are my eyes burnin'?

I'm just whippin' up
another batch

of my homemade family brew.

Let my longtime corporate
mascot tell you all about it.

Spuckler Family Moonshine.

Lovingly distilled
in the heart of America.

ANNOUNCER:
Spuckler Family Moonshine
is distilled in Finland.

Not a single American
was employed in its manufacture.

(TV clicks off)

(groans)

You have to help him
get back to his family.

Forget it. I'm through with
those slack-jawed, no-account...

examples of America
at its finest.

He was a great man
until you ruint him.

With your promises
of short underwear

and professional haircuts.

You think you can play God,

wreck my life,
and then just walk away?

First of all,
I wasn't playing God.

I was doing
an original character.

Don't worry, we'll fix this.

I don't know how, but we will.

Unless Homer decides to
disregard my wishes completely.

Hmm.

Don't take time!

All right.

(doorbell rings)

What the...?
Aw, I thought we was quits.

Listen, pal,
you've ruined your life.

You haven't just watched A Star
Is Born, you're living it.

No, man. A Star Is Born is about

a star who fades
and then kills hisself.

This here is much more like

a nice guy
who's seduced by power,

as in Elia Kazan's
A Face in the Crowd.

Dang, that's a good'un.

How do you know
so much about movies?

Oh, well,
Brandine and I once squatted

inside an abandoned Blockbuster.

That's where we conceived
our twins: Be Kind and Rewind.

Forget that. You got to go
back home where you belong.

Also, you owe me $27,000.

Yeah, I'm afraid I donated that
to a children's hospital.

You monster!

Look, Cletus, this isn't you.

What about your family?

Well, my family now is
Carrie Underwood,

Taylor Swift
and all of them Mumfords.

And everyone in BTS,
except for Jungkook.

(chuckles)
He's too pretty for my tastes.

Cletus,
just answer me one thing:

after a long day of yokeling,
don't you miss coming home

to a woman who thinks you're
the most important thing on...

God's green Earth?

Well, uh, now that
you mention it.

♪ Then sit by my side ♪

♪ If you love me... ♪

No, no, no, no, no more singin'!

Not even talk singin'!

Which is hardly singin' at all,

Mr. Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Oh, Gummy Sue...

Jitney, Uber Black,
Normal Head Joe,

Disney Plus, oh, HBO Max,

CBS All Access!

Oh, man, they's all
so beautiful.

(sniffles)
I'm goin' back to my family!

Cancel my tour dates!

Burn my masters!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
let's not get crazy.

You saved my life, Homer.

And then you ruined it,
and then you saved it again.

And for that,
I am forever neutral.

AGENT: Listen to how I say this.

It's something everybody says,

but I say it better
than anybody else.

How are you?

- Well, I don't...
- (shushes)

Don't talk. Just listen.

You're gonna be a brand.

I want to tell your stories.
Tell me your story.

Not the person they see
on the court.

Well, my family didn't have
much money, and Daddy used to...

That is so relatable.

Not to me. I'm rich.

But, God, I always wanted
to live in poverty.

Now, all I ask is 15%
of your earnings for life.

Not your whole life.
After 80, it's all yours.

And when you retire, you're
gonna get a Netflix special.

Actually, everybody gets
a Netflix special.

Why do they even call them that?

They should call them
Netflix normals.

You want a Netflix normal?
We'll get it for you.

You want the Obamas to produce?
You got it.

Not Barack or Michelle...
That's impossible.

Check on Malia, please!

Malia.

No, it's not a country!

- Can I just say...?
- (shushing)

You don't have to talk.

Not unless you're getting paid
a million dollars a word.

And some of those words
can be "a" or "the."

Listen, never say "won't" again.

Say "will not."
'Cause that's $2 million.

That's a Bentley.

Have you ever been interested
in a roofing company?

You're very tall.

You're much closer to roofs
than most people.

(gasps) How about this?

I can book you as a freak
in a monster movie.

Or a dinosaur. You're as big
as a small dinosaur.

We're trying to develop
an animated musical

about the dinosaurs
that survived the comet.

You could play a small dinosaur.

You jump out from a tree.

You sing a song.

We've already got one written.

It's called "I'm Still Here."

Am I, am I reaching you?

Just sign already.

Okay. Looking for the next
musical superstar here.

Uh, Barney,

see what you can do
with this piccolo.

(groans)

Lady, you look like
a cellist to me.

(grunting, muttering)

- Forget that.
- (cello crashes)

Jailbird, what about you?

Um, I play the hacksaw.

Hacksaw. Hacksaw.

- Ah, here you go.
- All right!

Uh, my first number is "We've
Gotta Get Out of This Place."

I love it! Let me hear
that sweet, sweet sound.

(hacksaw sawing)

Ah, that is some
beautiful hacksawing.

Ah, yeah.

Soothing. Ooh!

Soon, I'm gonna be doing
some sawing myself.

Ah, yeah. (chuckles)

Oh, yeah.

Shh!