The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 32, Episode 12 - Diary Queen - full transcript

(screeches)

D'oh!

(grunts)

(gasps) Where's your helmet?

D'oh!

¶ ¶

¶ This woman's gonna get
what she wants today ¶

¶ Barney's gonna buy
a new sconce today ¶

¶ Gonna buy a broom
to play quidditch today ¶

¶ Waylon's gonna get
some kitsch today ¶

¶ ¶



¶ I'm gonna buy
some figurines today ¶

¶ Some lovely
pastoral scenes today ¶

¶ I've finally found
the rare girl with goat ¶

¶ I'll stash them all
in my NPR tote ¶

¶ Today ¶

¶ The shoppers always haggle,
low price ¶

¶ And Flanders always gives in,
too nice ¶

¶ Too nice, too nice ¶

¶ I'll sell these fuzzy dice ¶

¶ Maude bought them
as a joke I did not get ¶

¶ Today, today ¶

¶ We'll sell our toys,
we pray ¶

¶ 'Cause playing is a sin
that we regret ¶

BOTH:
Yay!



(cartoon scrambling
sound effect)

¶ ¶

(trumpets)

¶ Criterion Collection: Meryl Streep ¶

¶ A box of Easter candy,
all Peeps ¶

¶ Today, today ¶

¶ I'll undersell eBay ¶

¶ We'll get some useless crap
today! ¶

See, Marge?
We skip one rehearsal,

and we're totally lost.

¶ Today! ¶

Wow, Mr. Flanders.

You're selling
your used birthday candles?

Hmm, they relight themselves.

I won't have voodoo
in the house.

I'm one. I'm two.

I'm three. I'm dizzy.

(groans, thud)

Oh.

Do you really want to sell
these precious memories?

(chuckles)

They're just
earthly possessions, Marge.

All I need is God in my heart,
the good book in my hand, and...

(gasps)
What are you heathens doing

to my Norman Rockwell
commemorative plates?!

(grunting)

We bought 'em, we smash 'em.

Take that, Freedom from Want.

(grunts)

- (boys laugh)
- (Flanders groans)

Look at me! I'm Mr. Rogers.

Yeah. And I'm Meg Ryan
in When Harry Met Sally.

I'll have what he's having.

- We're having a ball!
- Of yarn.

(both laughing)

(groans)

Oh, all this humiliation for...

(scoffs) $21?

Get out
before I turn on the hose!

Thank you.

Okay, fine. I'm not selling
one more precious tchotchke

unless it's going
to a decent, respectful home.

(inhales)

(sighs) Damaged corner.

Excuse me, sir?
I understand how you feel.

Bart Simpson. Longtime neighbor,
first time reader.

May I buy these books?

There's no bad words in these

if that's what
you're looking for.

I cut 'em all out.

Mm.

Thank you...

Adultery Ass.

This is why
I always carry a fan.

Don't worry, sir.

We're boys who have
made our share of mistakes,

but these books will fire up
our imaginations.

¶ ¶

My greatest moment!

Oh, Bart.

I was filming the wrong way.

It's all me!

This angle makes
my nose look big.

Oh!

(groans)

Hmm.

Bart, that's clearly personal.

You have to give it back
to Mr. Flanders.

You don't have a single little
boy bone in your body, do you?

Hey! I did take karate.

Till I had an allergic reaction
to my gi.

- (bee buzzing)
- There's a bee in here!

(grunting)

(groans)

"My Journal."

Wait a minute.

I've seen that red ink before,
especially the D's and F's.

- (thunder crashing)
- ¶ ¶

It's Mrs. Krabappel's diary!

(sniffs) Parliament Lights 100.

That was her brand.

EDNA:
Remember: if you can
teach one kid one thing,

then today will be a success...

Oh. I forgot
Flanders married Krabappel.

I do not need to see the
dark side of another marriage.

Let the oceans have it, Bart.

They're big enough
to hide any sin.

You would think so, but no.

Why are corpses so buoyant?

'Cause I ain't dead yet!

The boss ain't gonna like this.

I'm the boss!

- Do you like it?
- No!

LOUIE:
Shouldn't we stop those kids?

FAT TONY:
We don't kill children.

We'll wait till they're 18.

This is your fault, Krabappel.

You taught me to read.

If you read this diary,
you'll regret it.

Maybe not today...

- Okay, good enough.
- (groans)

What's it say?! What's it say?!

Does she write about how well
I cleaned the gerbil cage?!

If not, it might be a fake.

It's in there. And a lot more.

She says
Chalmers hides his car keys

on the top of his sun visor.

¶ ¶

(tires squealing)

I just became
the most powerful kid in school.

Slimmer!

- (tires squealing)
- Uh... What the...?

¶ ¶

He's got a free yogurt
at the car wash.

Let's drop the car off
at the car wash,

get the yogurt,
and never come back.

The perfect crime!

There they are! Go get 'em!

Yeah, don't worry.
We'll get your car, but, uh,

all I can think of now is
we should do that, Lou.

Go for a drive just because.

- (grunting happily)
- ¶ ¶

Ugh!

Finally, thanks to Mrs. K,

I'll know what goes on
in the teachers' lounge.

No, this is not a sales call.

It's an opportunity to improve
your life with gutter guards.

Ma'am, are you sure your family
will be taken care of

in case of a sinkhole?

And with this cruise package,
you're guaranteed a deck chair

for one full hour a day.

So can I...? Hello? Hello?

BART:
So, working
your night school jobs

during school hours, eh?

(laughs)

Oh, you are still there.
You're just very quiet.

I'll wait as long as it takes.

(bell tolling)

Reading someone else's diary
in a church?

That's the worst thing
you can do in a church!

(Irish accent):
No, not really.

Oh, my God. I'm in this.

What did she say?

(angelic choir singing)

"I had a wonderful time

"with my spikey-haired
after-school buddy.

"Sometimes I have to be tough on
him so his behavior gets better,

"but he's smart as a whip.

"When he grows up,

I bet there's no door
he won't be able to open."

What does that mean?

She's saying you have potential.

Oh, my God.

I thought she hated me
after I glued her to her chair.

And yet she says
I have potential.

I have a future.
The sky's the limit!

("Battle Hymn of the Republic"
playing)

("Hail to the Chief" playing)

I got rid of the squeak
in your chair, sir.

Good man.

When do I get paid?
It's been three weeks.

BART:
Wow. Presidential chair tester.

Can't do better than that.

(sighs) This changes everything.

All this time
I was showing my butt,

I was actually showing promise.

I'm gonna live up
to that potential.

¶ I used to march down
the windy, windy sidewalks ¶

¶ Slapping my leg
with a riding crop ¶

¶ Thinking it made me
come off so tough ¶

¶ I didn't smile because a smile
always seemed rehearsed ¶

¶ I wasn't afraid
of the bullies ¶

¶ And that just made
the bullies worse. ¶

Pop art quiz!

Is that a "pop" art quiz,
or a "pop art" quiz?

It's a "shut up
and fill in the bubbles" quiz.

Okay, how am I gonna
blow this off?

Maybe fill in all the bubbles
to make a skull.

Now, hold on, Bart.
You have potential.

Why not really try and do it?

- You think?
- (chuckles) Yes.

(gasps)

I know this one. It's "B."

And after "B,"
the next answer's usually "C."

And the next one
I can get from Martin.

¶ ¶

This cake is for Bart.

He got an "A" on his test.

Mm-hmm.

What's a matter?
Wondering how I cheated?

You know, all my thoughts
aren't about you.

LISA:
How did he do it?
I must find out.

(gasps) Oh, God.
All my thoughts are about him.

Think pony. Think pony.

- (pony brays)
- (yells)

How'd you do it, Bart?
How'd you do it?

We're just gonna be
very happy about this grade

and not ask questions.

How did he do it?
How did he do it?

Do I have
two high-achieving kids?

Oh, be realistic, Marge.

He must be hiding something.

¶ ¶

Ah, he's clean.

And so is his room.

I see you couldn't find out
how he did it.

No offense, Mom,
but mind if I take a whack?

Help yourself.

How, Maggie? How?

Oh, the treehouse, right.

The answer's in the treehouse.

Ay Krabappel!

This is a new low, even for you.

Thanks.

Okay, spill it.

What dirt did you find?

I'm only on page 35, but it's so
clear she thought I was great.

She really liked me.

Even when I brought in
a dead bird from outside,

which I've actually forgotten.

What?

LISA:
Poor, deluded Bart.

She was writing that
about her cat.

She loved how much I love tuna.

I don't remember that either,
but it was meaningful to her.

Listen, Bart...

And she said I was
too adorable to be sterilized.

Oh, her words, not mine.

- Bart...
- She believed in me.

And now I believe in myself.

And I'll tell you something
crazy: I loved getting that "A."

Which means, you know what?
Suddenly, I get you.

You don't suck.

You not only don't suck, you
believe in my potential, too.

Don't you?

(groans)

We're just two smart kids.

I... I... I...

(groans) Okay.

I believe in you, too.

And I have nothing more
to say except... (grunts)

Nothing but... (groans)

Which is worse,
to be cruel or to lie?

They're both great,
just like us.

Two smart kids.

And you know
what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna change someone else's
life for the better.

(cash register dings)

BART:
Willie?

I heard-- can't say where--

that you're
actually pretty lonely.

So I got you this little guy.

A Scotsman lonely?

Bannocks to that!

But I will take
your wee coney...

for me evening stew!

Do you like your stew?

It's got lots of extra carrots
for a growing bunny.

And when you grow fat enough,

I'll stick you
in a bubbling pot of water...

for your Saturday bath.

Oh, I love you.

(groans) This lie
has made Bart a new man.

And it's giving me
anxiety attacks.

(hyperventilating)

Relax. Relax.

Ugh, so anxious. (screams)

- What's this?
- You've got bumpies!

Let me give you some lotion.

I'll be fine.

I just need a calming bath
and a good night's sleep.

(gentle music playing)

(chanting):
Om... om...

Oh, my God!

I'm helping him live a lie
that may ruin him!

Hmm. Sometimes tension hives
are the result of inner stress.

Is anything bothering you,
young lady?

Just the usual--
global disasters,

artificial intelligence
taking over,

the cold, dead eyes
of Mike Pence.

Hmm. Well, I could refer you
to psychological counseling,

but why fix what you can numb?

So I'm gonna prescribe
some Sleepy and Dopey's

children's chewable Xanax.

(laughs)

I don't want
my daughter on meds.

You seem upset, Marge.

Talk to your doctor
about Troxodone.

You are my doctor.

Well, well, well. Fancy that.

(laughs)

This is gonna turn your life

into an oasis
of peaceful zombitude.

Side effects may include
bleeding out your ears,

Portuguese insolence,
wandering eyebrow,

intense longing for death,
and seeing yourself

as others see you. (laughs)

When the last student
finishes using the lice comb,

please pass it back up.

Now our major award of the day.

For me?

But my shelves are
already groaning with kudos.

- Not for you.
- Aw.

For the only student
who's shown dramatic improvement

in the history
of this school: Bart Simpson!

- Let's hear it for him.
- (student coughs)

I'll take names
if I don't hear cheers.

STUDENTS (chanting):
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!

I just want to say
thank you, Mrs. K.

You wrote the book on teaching.

And now, his sister,
Lisa Simpson,

will lead us in a round of
"For He's A Jolly Good Fellow."

What?

¶ For he's a jolly good fellow ¶

¶ For he's a jolly
good fellow... ¶

To the laser tag water park!

(students cheering)

Take the freeway! It's quicker!

¶ All of it's based on a lie ¶

¶ All of it's based
on a lie ¶

¶ For he's a jolly big phony ¶

¶ And only I know why. ¶

(clears throat)
Assembly item number two:

- don't take drugs.
- I don't!

Our most successful
assembly ever.

Thanks to Mrs. K, I fear
nothing. Not even long division.

Hmm.

What if there's a remainder?

Still a little scary.

You wanted to do well,
but you're not even studying.

You don't have to study
when you're on a roll.

You heard them cheering me.

STUDENTS (chanting):
Bart! Bart! Bart! Not Lisa!

I wish you hadn't
had them do that.

You know what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna enter
the spelling bee.

Um, really? Just like that?

How about
a little reality check?

Spell "pneumatic."

No problem.

You're gonna start it
with an "N," aren't you?

I'll know
when the spotlight hits me.

Two smart kids.

Bart, spelling bees
are very public.

So if, by some fluke,
you don't do well,

you'll be embarrassed
in front of the whole school.

Worse than the time you sat
on the peanut butter cup.

People knew what it was.

No, they didn't.

LISA:
Let him learn his lesson.
Let him gain from it.

It's not up to you to save him.

(gasps)

The first contestant is
our most-improved student,

Bart Simpson,
and the word is "interlude."

Um, can you use it
in a sentence?

I need an interlude
with my brother!

I have to explain something.

Obsolescence-- O-B...

You don't have to explain.
It's totally understandable.

You're just jealous. I used
to be a mixed-up kid like you.

You're just not reading
the right diaries.

MILHOUSE:
Obsequious...

Bart, there's a page in
the diary you didn't read yet.

(inhales) I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I just don't want you hurt.

"My special little guy has
the fluffiest tail"?

Still think
she's talking about you?

Could be. I played a reindeer
in the school play.

Which was weird, because
it wasn't a Christmas play.

Keep reading.

"Purring when I pet him"?

"Scratching at
the bell on his collar"?

"Always using his litter box
appropriately"?

Oh, it wasn't me
who had potential.

It's a frickin' cat!

(whimpering)

(gasps)

(whimpering)

Oh. No bumps.

- I brought you dinner.
- Don't want it.

I'm just a loser kid,
and that's all I will ever be.

Oh, honey...

Mom, I'm gonna go over the edge

if you try to make me
feel better right now.

Hmm...

So, I understand

you've been reading
Edna's diary.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I sure hope there's something
in the Bible about forgiveness.

Son, I'm not here to judge you.

Curiosity is one of
the devil's sharpest tools.

That's why I don't even
look down in the shower.

Eyes always up
into God's scalding water.

(chuckles)

Okay, I'll get to the point.
I'm here to tell you

something that might
make you feel better.

Did you know Edna and I once

were thinking
of leaving Springfield?

Oh, I feel so much better.

How does he do it? I don't know!

But the fact is we didn't move.

We had a family meeting.

It was Todd's turn at the gavel.

TODD:
Order! Order!

Now, we can't leave Springfield
unless it's unanimous. Todd?

TODD:
I vote "yes."
I can finally get away

from that ladybug
that scares me.

I'm tired of Mr. Simpson
peeing in our bird bath.

Well, that's one, two,
three, and...

I have to stay here
in Springfield,

because boys
like Bart Simpson need me.

Sweet, misunderstood boys,

who just need someone
to recognize the basic goodness

that's trapped inside them

and is desperately
trying to get out.

(sneezes)

She was allergic
to the cat, but, uh,

you were nothing
to sneeze at, son.

Well, did that help?

Yeah!

Now let us give thanks.

If only people stopped
when they made their point.

But thanks.

And this belongs to you.

You might want to read it.

You come off pretty well.

No sirree, Bob. Those are
Edna's private thoughts,

and they're gonna stay private.

Did you fix Bart?

Yep.

What's in your hand?

Uh, uh, nothing.

¶ ¶

"Now that I've been
with Ned a year,

he's made my life a living..."

I'll think of a penance.

"Dream come true."

Oh. (sniffles)
Now I got to clean my specs.

Thanks, Edna.

¶ I found her diary
underneath a tree ¶

¶ And started reading about me ¶

¶ The words she'd written
took me by surprise ¶

¶ You'd never read them
in her eyes ¶

¶ All the sweet things
they can find. ¶

¶ ¶

(singers vocalizing)

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

And FORD.
We go further, so you can.

Shh!