The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 32, Episode 11 - The Dad Feelings-Limited - full transcript
The origin story of Comic Book Guy is revealed as he and Kumiko debate having a baby.
(BIRDS SINGING)
- Mm.
- (EXHALES)
Yes, another glorious Sunday.
Oh. Scone for my muffin?
Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.
And for you, five breakfast burritos.
Ah, the Voltron.
Our lives are in perfect balance.
(KNOCKING)
Oh, it is just last-second
birthday gift shoppers.
Ignore them.
I know you're in there, you lazy dork.
I can smell the burritos! (SNIFFING)
Four. No! Five!
They can't be closed. We're booked solid
with birthday parties today,
and we have no presents.
Don't worry, I got this.
Auto Trader for the girls.
Adult Escort Express for the boys.
Kids are adults, right?
Fine, fine, whatever. Let's just go.
Let us wander as aimlessly as the plots
of the four upcoming Avatar sequels...
I can only assume.
I love your contempt for
things that don't matter.
(MOANING)
_
♪ ♪
(GASPS)
Do you hear that?
Ah, silence.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING, SHOUTING)
(HOMER PANTING)
HOMER: Come on, let's go.
Time to go to Milhouse's puppy party.
If we go late, you'll get a crappy dog.
That's it, I'm coming in.
Ow! No! Ow! No!
That's where I had my surgery!
(UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYING)
- (TODDLERS BAWLING)
- (OTHERS SHOUTING)
Mm! Miyazaki marathon with
chilled lobster spring rolls.
Mm, mm.
Oh, crap!
I just realized I haven't
eaten anything all day.
They're out of pizza,
but I built you a slice
out of trash scraps.
Well, hide me behind your coat
while I eat it.
(CHOMPING, GRUNTING)
I need to be around grown-ups.
BOY: Excuse me.
You just passed my street.
Who the hell are you?
Leland Huebner III.
Go back and get Bart.
Hold on, this one seems all right.
A little stuck up, but all right.
Thanks so much for the
last-minute dinner invitation.
There never was any dinner.
You fell for a scam.
You're babysitting. No money.
- _
- MARGE (GASPS): Adults!
- Pull over!
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Wow, Moe, you really gussy up
the place for trivia night.
Hey, where are the regulars?
Ah, keg storage.
- Hey! We're thirsty!
- (GRUNTS)
BARNEY: Thank you.
I've always wanted to do a trivia.
Who knows what I might know?
Please, join our team.
(QUIETLY): But they're noobs.
Even the humble noob has a
place in the seasons of trivia.
Ooh. Once again I am
in awe of your decency.
All right, all right, weirdos.
I want to welcome you
dorks to trivia night.
Now, shut your nerd faces
for the first question.
"List the four players with
the most fighting penalties
in NHL history."
Oh, sports.
The very lowest genus of trivium.
Let's see.
Tie Domi, Dave "Tiger" Williams,
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz,
and, of course,
Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson. Duh.
All right, next category:
20th Century Vacuum Cleaners.
Just give me the pencil.
"The mascot for this Boston-based..."
Cuppy, the Dunkin' Donuts coffee cup.
"This English prog rock supergroup
scored a hit with 1970's "Lucky Man."
Emerson!
Lake!
And!
Palmer!
(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)
Okay, okay.
And the winning team is...
"Han Shot First." What does that mean?
- Is that dirty?
- It's from Star Wars.
I never heard of it. I... Is it dirty?
Who cares, who cares.
Here's your trophy.
(CHEERING)
To fat guys with hot wives.
This one's for you, Kevin James.
Take a poncho.
I always carry extras in case
Homer eats anything slurpable.
That's so clever.
What other big-and-tall
"wife hacks" do you have?
Oh, I've got all kinds of tricks
for fat-proofing your house.
Come over sometime and I'll show you.
My chashu!
(CHOMPING, SIGHING)
See? Here I've welded
high-tensile steel
under the cushions to reduce sofa-sag.
I've lost a lot of furniture
to chubby hubby couch droop.
(MAGGIE FUSSING OVER MONITOR)
Oh, Maggie's up.
Can you go sit with her
while I warm a bottle?
Oh, but I don't know much about babies.
Except how to dress like one.
(FUSSING CONTINUES)
All is well.
Silence.
You are loved!
(BAWLING)
(LAUGHING)
(SINGING JAPANESE LULLABY)
Look how much she likes you.
You're a natural.
I just remembered something
I must tell my husband.
Impregnate me at once!
But you never wanted children.
You always said our marriage
is perfect as it is.
I mean, can you imagine a
child playing in this room?
Uh, it's full of toys.
Yes, well, but yeah, but it's selfish
to bring a new life into a world
with diminishing resources.
The planet is running
out of watchable IP!
They say by 2028 all we will have left
is the General Mills Cinematic Universe
starring Hamburger Helper.
If I can't convince you,
maybe she can.
(GASPS) Greta, the sexy Gremlin
from the underappreciated-
but-stil-terrible Gremlins 2.
(GASPS WEAKLY)
I know this is your ultimate fantasy.
It's time to feed your desires
after midnight.
♪ ♪
I must resist.
My will is stronger
than The Great Resisto,
a hero I am inventing
as I reference him.
Uh, my darling, my darling, I am sorry.
But I have spent every working
hour of my life around children,
and one thing I know for certain:
I don't want any.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- And... banked.
I want a baby.
I don't want a baby! (SOBBING)
Kumiko's baby fever is out of control.
Look at all these comments she left.
It goes really quick from smiley face
to "Without a baby, all is horror."
- (GROANS)
- Well, I think Comic Book Guy
should have kids.
Oh, that's so sweet.
'Cause screw that jerk!
Thinks his childless life is
so great just because it is.
Wakes up whenever he wants.
Doesn't have to lug car
seats onto the plane.
He can store poison in the
fridge so it's nice and cold.
And don't get me started
on their sex life.
They can do it anywhere:
kitchen floor, bathroom floor,
on the microwave.
Set that baby on "popcorn."
Pop! Pop! Pop!
So... we'll help them?
Anything to destroy their paradise.
_
Remember, it's up to you two
to make children seem like a blessing.
Got it. And when she pops out that kid,
we each get a 20.
- Or equivalent gift card.
- BART: Whoa! That's the stuff.
Oh, look, it's our trivia buddies!
You see movies at the
same cemetery we do?
What a pleasant surprise. (GIGGLES)
Speaking of children,
these two were completely
planned and wanted.
Shrug, he shrugged.
Uh, why don't we get some more snacks?
Hello, little azuki bean.
(MAGGIE GIGGLES)
Yo, Kingpin!
How's the ponytail hanging?
Don't patronize me, Bart and She-Bart.
I need silence to watch the iconic '80s
time travel epic, Forward to the Past.
Never heard of it. Is it any good?
Okay, it's a consensus top
ten family action comedy
that has been delighting
bedwetting piglets
like yourself for eons!
Feh! Wah! Hooof! And again, feh!
- Oh.
- Huh.
It's so sweet you're helping
the Book Guys become a family.
I mean, without kids, come on,
they're just dating with rings on.
(HOMER CHUCKLES)
Oh, Marge, I love your takes.
Ooh, model crypt.
Fancy! Want to see
how the other half dies?
(GASPS) Oh!
We can return to our time
if we can just get this paddle steamer
up to 99 miles an hour.
Is that relative to
the shore or the water?
Great Steve, Mickey! I don't know!
Golfer Aoki, four letters.
(GASPS) "Isao."
Hello? Hello?!
The show is up there, not on your lap.
Look, I got to be honest.
I only like movies
where Deadpool talks to the camera,
so I'm watching Deadpool.
Okay, eyes up, TikToks!
Tonight, you watch a screen
that is unswipeable!
(BOTH GROAN)
Premium sound system. Sweet.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS)
Honey, just think.
Someday, you and I will be
snuggling next to each
other for eternity.
Oh, Homie,
I never thought about it that way.
(MARGE MOANING)
(HOMER MOANS)
'Till death do each other.
(BOTH MOANING)
Rivers? Where we're going,
we don't need rivers.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Yes, all right, you little trolls.
If you must, tear the classic down
with your snarky little remarks. Go.
An emotionally satisfying ending.
Are you sure this is an American movie?
I can't believe it.
I... cared what happened.
Oh. What is that thrill I'm feeling?
You are experiencing this
movie again for the first time,
but through the eyes of children.
♪ ♪
Oh, Homie, that was so dangerous.
I feel like Mrs. Dracula.
I definitely had a...
(DRACULA VOICE): good evening.
Hey, it's locked.
(GASPS) Oh, no!
We're trapped in a crypt full of...
smooth jazz.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS)
Little known trivia:
the time travel vehicle was
originally a tanning booth.
- Whoa!
- That's crazy!
The little ones love
your useless knowledge.
Yes, my factoid will be
passed on for generations,
and in that way, I will never truly die.
(SIGHS) You know, maybe I was wrong
to dismiss the idea of children
so... so quickly.
(GASPS) Do you mean it?
Hurry. Let's return these loaner kids
and go home to make a mixed-race nerd.
Hey, shouldn't Mom and Dad
be showing up about now?
Mom? Dad? Where are you?!
We are in a cemetery,
so maybe they were attacked by zombies.
Stop it! Stop saying that!
(SING-SONGY): Our parents are undead.
Dad will eat your head.
(LISA CRIES)
(SINISTER CACKLING)
(DOORS RATTLING)
(GRUNTING)
HOMER (ZOMBIE-LIKE): Let us out!
Great Steve! They are zombies!
(BOTH YELL)
(BOTH SOBBING)
They demand... emotional support.
You can do it.
Give them comfort.
(BOTH CRYING)
Must... act like... loving father.
I flee.
But you caved!
BOTH: Mom! Dad! You're okay!
Hey, where'd the dork go?
Your children's emotional needs
have pushed him away.
If I know him, and I don't,
I'm sure he'll be back.
No. He has run to a place
where there is no hope.
I have returned. Forever.
Your room is unchanged...
as are your sheets.
So... your husband ran
away to his childhood home,
leaving you alone.
Maybe forever. Also, childless.
(GROANS)
I'm sure you're experiencing
a lot of feelings right now.
It's okay to let them out.
(INHALES AND EXHALES LOUDLY)
I hate you, you shameless womb tease!
You're like a baby drug dealer!
You give me a taste, and now I'm hooked!
This is on you, too!
You've crushed my only
chance at happiness,
you ape-faced cheeseburger goblin!
(MUFFLED WHIMPER)
Make this right.
Bring back my husband!
Whoa. So this is where
Comic Book Guy grew up.
We'll finally see what kind of
"its" created a "that."
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- (DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN)
- (BOTH YELP)
Ah, you must be delivering my
1912 Polish coronation stamp.
Actually, we're looking for someone
we call "Comic Book Guy."
Enter. My son is in here... somewhere.
Oh, well, thank you, Mr., uh...
You may refer to me as
"Postage Stamp Fellow."
What is this crazy place?
_
BOB BALABAN: This crazy place
is Comic Book Guy's childhood home.
An only child, he grew up surrounded
by an eccentric extended family
of childless aunts and uncles.
However, his family poured their
love into their collections,
instead of into the lonely
little boy wandering the halls.
His aunt collected taxidermized
chestnut-tailed starlings,
causing her to form a tacit
alliance with her twin brother,
who collected brutalist birdhouses.
His great step-uncle,
who had once had his heart
broken by a meter maid,
was a gatherer of discredited
obstetric equipment,
while his younger dowager aunt
collected antique Chinese cricket boxes
and filled them with live crickets,
who frequently escaped.
- (CRICKET CHIRPING)
- The only thing of value
the family did not display
in the home was love.
And the love he sought most
was that of his father,
who spent his days as
an avid philatelist.
_
(SIGHS SADLY)
Mint. Mint. Near mint. Very fine.
Hi, um, there.
Maybe you might feel better
if you came home with us?
I am home. From now on,
my only companion is my
comic book collection.
Mint. Mint. Near mint.
- Gem mint. Mint. Mint...
- (MARGE SIGHS)
- Look at the sad little boy.
- Mint. Mint. Mint. Mint.
- Is that you?
- Mint. Mint.
Worst... day... ever!
There's got to be more to this story.
BOB BALABAN:
There was more to this story.
_
Without anyone to play with,
the lonely boy turned to baseball.
His favorite pitcher was Sandy Koufax,
and he perfected a curveball
of rare devastation.
However, his team
would never give him a chance.
But on the day before the big game,
all the starting pitchers were
injured in a multi-canoe pile-up
caused by the sighting of an
unusually large lake sturgeon.
_
He got the call to pitch.
His dearest hope was that
his father would finally see
his masterful curveball in action.
But during the biggest
moment of his young life,
his dad was nowhere to be seen.
He escaped his sadness
into a world of heroes,
villains and Jugheads.
In that moment, he became more
than a boy but less than a man.
He became Comic Book Guy.
Marge then confronted
Postage Stamp Fellow
about this life-changing
incident with his son.
What? Oh. Okay.
Why weren't you there for
your son when he needed you?
This is not a family to
rummage through the past.
Emotionally.
You tell me why you didn't go
to your son's baseball game,
or I'll lick it.
My Inverted Dendermonde?
You wouldn't dare!
(WHIMPERING)
All right, all right! I'll tell you!
I was buying him that.
Go ahead. Tell him.
I didn't go to your game,
because I was afraid if you lost,
I wouldn't know how to comfort you.
So I supported you
the only way I knew how.
I purchased you a collectible.
Which I never had the heart to give you.
(GASPS) Sandy Koufax,
the left arm of God!
Son, perhaps we should do
something we've never done.
Have a catch?
I think I would like that.
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ow!
Everyone,
my son and I are having a catch.
BOB BALABAN:
Love was finally on display.
- Ow.
- Ow.
Well, maybe Comic Book Guy won't
be so afraid to be a father.
(CHUCKLES)
Sucker.
(CRYING)
Wife, I have returned... healed!
I am now... Changed Better Guy.
(GASPS) My ultimate fantasy.
Mr. Beaver from The Lion,
the Witch and the Wardrobe.
You are ready to make a baby.
♪ ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL INTRO TO
"OOH LA LA" PLAYS)
♪ Poor old Granddad ♪
♪ I laughed at all his words ♪
♪ I thought he was a bitter man ♪
♪ He spoke of women's ways... ♪
♪ They trap you and they use you ♪
♪ Before you even know ♪
♪ But love is blind and
you're far too kind ♪
♪ Don't ever let it show ♪
♪ I wish that I knew
what I know now ♪
♪ When I was younger ♪
♪ I wish that I knew
what I know now ♪
♪ When I was stronger ♪
♪ The can-can's
such a pretty show ♪
♪ Will steal your heart away ♪
♪ But backstage back
on Earth again ♪
♪ The dressing rooms are gray ♪
♪ They come on strong
and it ain't too... ♪
Shh!
- Mm.
- (EXHALES)
Yes, another glorious Sunday.
Oh. Scone for my muffin?
Nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum, nyum.
And for you, five breakfast burritos.
Ah, the Voltron.
Our lives are in perfect balance.
(KNOCKING)
Oh, it is just last-second
birthday gift shoppers.
Ignore them.
I know you're in there, you lazy dork.
I can smell the burritos! (SNIFFING)
Four. No! Five!
They can't be closed. We're booked solid
with birthday parties today,
and we have no presents.
Don't worry, I got this.
Auto Trader for the girls.
Adult Escort Express for the boys.
Kids are adults, right?
Fine, fine, whatever. Let's just go.
Let us wander as aimlessly as the plots
of the four upcoming Avatar sequels...
I can only assume.
I love your contempt for
things that don't matter.
(MOANING)
_
♪ ♪
(GASPS)
Do you hear that?
Ah, silence.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING, SHOUTING)
(HOMER PANTING)
HOMER: Come on, let's go.
Time to go to Milhouse's puppy party.
If we go late, you'll get a crappy dog.
That's it, I'm coming in.
Ow! No! Ow! No!
That's where I had my surgery!
(UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYING)
- (TODDLERS BAWLING)
- (OTHERS SHOUTING)
Mm! Miyazaki marathon with
chilled lobster spring rolls.
Mm, mm.
Oh, crap!
I just realized I haven't
eaten anything all day.
They're out of pizza,
but I built you a slice
out of trash scraps.
Well, hide me behind your coat
while I eat it.
(CHOMPING, GRUNTING)
I need to be around grown-ups.
BOY: Excuse me.
You just passed my street.
Who the hell are you?
Leland Huebner III.
Go back and get Bart.
Hold on, this one seems all right.
A little stuck up, but all right.
Thanks so much for the
last-minute dinner invitation.
There never was any dinner.
You fell for a scam.
You're babysitting. No money.
- _
- MARGE (GASPS): Adults!
- Pull over!
- (TIRES SCREECH)
Wow, Moe, you really gussy up
the place for trivia night.
Hey, where are the regulars?
Ah, keg storage.
- Hey! We're thirsty!
- (GRUNTS)
BARNEY: Thank you.
I've always wanted to do a trivia.
Who knows what I might know?
Please, join our team.
(QUIETLY): But they're noobs.
Even the humble noob has a
place in the seasons of trivia.
Ooh. Once again I am
in awe of your decency.
All right, all right, weirdos.
I want to welcome you
dorks to trivia night.
Now, shut your nerd faces
for the first question.
"List the four players with
the most fighting penalties
in NHL history."
Oh, sports.
The very lowest genus of trivium.
Let's see.
Tie Domi, Dave "Tiger" Williams,
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz,
and, of course,
Stu "The Grim Reaper" Grimson. Duh.
All right, next category:
20th Century Vacuum Cleaners.
Just give me the pencil.
"The mascot for this Boston-based..."
Cuppy, the Dunkin' Donuts coffee cup.
"This English prog rock supergroup
scored a hit with 1970's "Lucky Man."
Emerson!
Lake!
And!
Palmer!
(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)
Okay, okay.
And the winning team is...
"Han Shot First." What does that mean?
- Is that dirty?
- It's from Star Wars.
I never heard of it. I... Is it dirty?
Who cares, who cares.
Here's your trophy.
(CHEERING)
To fat guys with hot wives.
This one's for you, Kevin James.
Take a poncho.
I always carry extras in case
Homer eats anything slurpable.
That's so clever.
What other big-and-tall
"wife hacks" do you have?
Oh, I've got all kinds of tricks
for fat-proofing your house.
Come over sometime and I'll show you.
My chashu!
(CHOMPING, SIGHING)
See? Here I've welded
high-tensile steel
under the cushions to reduce sofa-sag.
I've lost a lot of furniture
to chubby hubby couch droop.
(MAGGIE FUSSING OVER MONITOR)
Oh, Maggie's up.
Can you go sit with her
while I warm a bottle?
Oh, but I don't know much about babies.
Except how to dress like one.
(FUSSING CONTINUES)
All is well.
Silence.
You are loved!
(BAWLING)
(LAUGHING)
(SINGING JAPANESE LULLABY)
Look how much she likes you.
You're a natural.
I just remembered something
I must tell my husband.
Impregnate me at once!
But you never wanted children.
You always said our marriage
is perfect as it is.
I mean, can you imagine a
child playing in this room?
Uh, it's full of toys.
Yes, well, but yeah, but it's selfish
to bring a new life into a world
with diminishing resources.
The planet is running
out of watchable IP!
They say by 2028 all we will have left
is the General Mills Cinematic Universe
starring Hamburger Helper.
If I can't convince you,
maybe she can.
(GASPS) Greta, the sexy Gremlin
from the underappreciated-
but-stil-terrible Gremlins 2.
(GASPS WEAKLY)
I know this is your ultimate fantasy.
It's time to feed your desires
after midnight.
♪ ♪
I must resist.
My will is stronger
than The Great Resisto,
a hero I am inventing
as I reference him.
Uh, my darling, my darling, I am sorry.
But I have spent every working
hour of my life around children,
and one thing I know for certain:
I don't want any.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- And... banked.
I want a baby.
I don't want a baby! (SOBBING)
Kumiko's baby fever is out of control.
Look at all these comments she left.
It goes really quick from smiley face
to "Without a baby, all is horror."
- (GROANS)
- Well, I think Comic Book Guy
should have kids.
Oh, that's so sweet.
'Cause screw that jerk!
Thinks his childless life is
so great just because it is.
Wakes up whenever he wants.
Doesn't have to lug car
seats onto the plane.
He can store poison in the
fridge so it's nice and cold.
And don't get me started
on their sex life.
They can do it anywhere:
kitchen floor, bathroom floor,
on the microwave.
Set that baby on "popcorn."
Pop! Pop! Pop!
So... we'll help them?
Anything to destroy their paradise.
_
Remember, it's up to you two
to make children seem like a blessing.
Got it. And when she pops out that kid,
we each get a 20.
- Or equivalent gift card.
- BART: Whoa! That's the stuff.
Oh, look, it's our trivia buddies!
You see movies at the
same cemetery we do?
What a pleasant surprise. (GIGGLES)
Speaking of children,
these two were completely
planned and wanted.
Shrug, he shrugged.
Uh, why don't we get some more snacks?
Hello, little azuki bean.
(MAGGIE GIGGLES)
Yo, Kingpin!
How's the ponytail hanging?
Don't patronize me, Bart and She-Bart.
I need silence to watch the iconic '80s
time travel epic, Forward to the Past.
Never heard of it. Is it any good?
Okay, it's a consensus top
ten family action comedy
that has been delighting
bedwetting piglets
like yourself for eons!
Feh! Wah! Hooof! And again, feh!
- Oh.
- Huh.
It's so sweet you're helping
the Book Guys become a family.
I mean, without kids, come on,
they're just dating with rings on.
(HOMER CHUCKLES)
Oh, Marge, I love your takes.
Ooh, model crypt.
Fancy! Want to see
how the other half dies?
(GASPS) Oh!
We can return to our time
if we can just get this paddle steamer
up to 99 miles an hour.
Is that relative to
the shore or the water?
Great Steve, Mickey! I don't know!
Golfer Aoki, four letters.
(GASPS) "Isao."
Hello? Hello?!
The show is up there, not on your lap.
Look, I got to be honest.
I only like movies
where Deadpool talks to the camera,
so I'm watching Deadpool.
Okay, eyes up, TikToks!
Tonight, you watch a screen
that is unswipeable!
(BOTH GROAN)
Premium sound system. Sweet.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS)
Honey, just think.
Someday, you and I will be
snuggling next to each
other for eternity.
Oh, Homie,
I never thought about it that way.
(MARGE MOANING)
(HOMER MOANS)
'Till death do each other.
(BOTH MOANING)
Rivers? Where we're going,
we don't need rivers.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
Yes, all right, you little trolls.
If you must, tear the classic down
with your snarky little remarks. Go.
An emotionally satisfying ending.
Are you sure this is an American movie?
I can't believe it.
I... cared what happened.
Oh. What is that thrill I'm feeling?
You are experiencing this
movie again for the first time,
but through the eyes of children.
♪ ♪
Oh, Homie, that was so dangerous.
I feel like Mrs. Dracula.
I definitely had a...
(DRACULA VOICE): good evening.
Hey, it's locked.
(GASPS) Oh, no!
We're trapped in a crypt full of...
smooth jazz.
(SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS)
Little known trivia:
the time travel vehicle was
originally a tanning booth.
- Whoa!
- That's crazy!
The little ones love
your useless knowledge.
Yes, my factoid will be
passed on for generations,
and in that way, I will never truly die.
(SIGHS) You know, maybe I was wrong
to dismiss the idea of children
so... so quickly.
(GASPS) Do you mean it?
Hurry. Let's return these loaner kids
and go home to make a mixed-race nerd.
Hey, shouldn't Mom and Dad
be showing up about now?
Mom? Dad? Where are you?!
We are in a cemetery,
so maybe they were attacked by zombies.
Stop it! Stop saying that!
(SING-SONGY): Our parents are undead.
Dad will eat your head.
(LISA CRIES)
(SINISTER CACKLING)
(DOORS RATTLING)
(GRUNTING)
HOMER (ZOMBIE-LIKE): Let us out!
Great Steve! They are zombies!
(BOTH YELL)
(BOTH SOBBING)
They demand... emotional support.
You can do it.
Give them comfort.
(BOTH CRYING)
Must... act like... loving father.
I flee.
But you caved!
BOTH: Mom! Dad! You're okay!
Hey, where'd the dork go?
Your children's emotional needs
have pushed him away.
If I know him, and I don't,
I'm sure he'll be back.
No. He has run to a place
where there is no hope.
I have returned. Forever.
Your room is unchanged...
as are your sheets.
So... your husband ran
away to his childhood home,
leaving you alone.
Maybe forever. Also, childless.
(GROANS)
I'm sure you're experiencing
a lot of feelings right now.
It's okay to let them out.
(INHALES AND EXHALES LOUDLY)
I hate you, you shameless womb tease!
You're like a baby drug dealer!
You give me a taste, and now I'm hooked!
This is on you, too!
You've crushed my only
chance at happiness,
you ape-faced cheeseburger goblin!
(MUFFLED WHIMPER)
Make this right.
Bring back my husband!
Whoa. So this is where
Comic Book Guy grew up.
We'll finally see what kind of
"its" created a "that."
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- (DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN)
- (BOTH YELP)
Ah, you must be delivering my
1912 Polish coronation stamp.
Actually, we're looking for someone
we call "Comic Book Guy."
Enter. My son is in here... somewhere.
Oh, well, thank you, Mr., uh...
You may refer to me as
"Postage Stamp Fellow."
What is this crazy place?
_
BOB BALABAN: This crazy place
is Comic Book Guy's childhood home.
An only child, he grew up surrounded
by an eccentric extended family
of childless aunts and uncles.
However, his family poured their
love into their collections,
instead of into the lonely
little boy wandering the halls.
His aunt collected taxidermized
chestnut-tailed starlings,
causing her to form a tacit
alliance with her twin brother,
who collected brutalist birdhouses.
His great step-uncle,
who had once had his heart
broken by a meter maid,
was a gatherer of discredited
obstetric equipment,
while his younger dowager aunt
collected antique Chinese cricket boxes
and filled them with live crickets,
who frequently escaped.
- (CRICKET CHIRPING)
- The only thing of value
the family did not display
in the home was love.
And the love he sought most
was that of his father,
who spent his days as
an avid philatelist.
_
(SIGHS SADLY)
Mint. Mint. Near mint. Very fine.
Hi, um, there.
Maybe you might feel better
if you came home with us?
I am home. From now on,
my only companion is my
comic book collection.
Mint. Mint. Near mint.
- Gem mint. Mint. Mint...
- (MARGE SIGHS)
- Look at the sad little boy.
- Mint. Mint. Mint. Mint.
- Is that you?
- Mint. Mint.
Worst... day... ever!
There's got to be more to this story.
BOB BALABAN:
There was more to this story.
_
Without anyone to play with,
the lonely boy turned to baseball.
His favorite pitcher was Sandy Koufax,
and he perfected a curveball
of rare devastation.
However, his team
would never give him a chance.
But on the day before the big game,
all the starting pitchers were
injured in a multi-canoe pile-up
caused by the sighting of an
unusually large lake sturgeon.
_
He got the call to pitch.
His dearest hope was that
his father would finally see
his masterful curveball in action.
But during the biggest
moment of his young life,
his dad was nowhere to be seen.
He escaped his sadness
into a world of heroes,
villains and Jugheads.
In that moment, he became more
than a boy but less than a man.
He became Comic Book Guy.
Marge then confronted
Postage Stamp Fellow
about this life-changing
incident with his son.
What? Oh. Okay.
Why weren't you there for
your son when he needed you?
This is not a family to
rummage through the past.
Emotionally.
You tell me why you didn't go
to your son's baseball game,
or I'll lick it.
My Inverted Dendermonde?
You wouldn't dare!
(WHIMPERING)
All right, all right! I'll tell you!
I was buying him that.
Go ahead. Tell him.
I didn't go to your game,
because I was afraid if you lost,
I wouldn't know how to comfort you.
So I supported you
the only way I knew how.
I purchased you a collectible.
Which I never had the heart to give you.
(GASPS) Sandy Koufax,
the left arm of God!
Son, perhaps we should do
something we've never done.
Have a catch?
I think I would like that.
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Ow!
Everyone,
my son and I are having a catch.
BOB BALABAN:
Love was finally on display.
- Ow.
- Ow.
Well, maybe Comic Book Guy won't
be so afraid to be a father.
(CHUCKLES)
Sucker.
(CRYING)
Wife, I have returned... healed!
I am now... Changed Better Guy.
(GASPS) My ultimate fantasy.
Mr. Beaver from The Lion,
the Witch and the Wardrobe.
You are ready to make a baby.
♪ ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL INTRO TO
"OOH LA LA" PLAYS)
♪ Poor old Granddad ♪
♪ I laughed at all his words ♪
♪ I thought he was a bitter man ♪
♪ He spoke of women's ways... ♪
♪ They trap you and they use you ♪
♪ Before you even know ♪
♪ But love is blind and
you're far too kind ♪
♪ Don't ever let it show ♪
♪ I wish that I knew
what I know now ♪
♪ When I was younger ♪
♪ I wish that I knew
what I know now ♪
♪ When I was stronger ♪
♪ The can-can's
such a pretty show ♪
♪ Will steal your heart away ♪
♪ But backstage back
on Earth again ♪
♪ The dressing rooms are gray ♪
♪ They come on strong
and it ain't too... ♪
Shh!