The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 32, Episode 10 - A Springfield Summer Christmas for Christmas - full transcript
A cable channel films a Christmas movie in Springfield and Skinner falls in love.
♪ ♪
Okay, Mary,
you're a big city girl
who never stops to enjoy
the little things in life.
And today, it all pays off.
Congratulations, Mary.
All the movies you've produced
for the Heartmark Channel
are huge hits!
I mean, Murder She Braised
scored in every single one
of our key demos.
Women 18 to 49
and women 49 and up.
Well, I'm very passionate
about telling stories
about homemakers
who solve mysteries.
How would you like
to be president
of our entire
Homemaker Mysteries division?
Thank you, sir. When do I start?
What? Hey... oh, not so fast.
One of our other movies is
in a little bit of trouble.
I need you to put out
a few fires
on the set of A Christmas
Ornament for Christmas.
A Christmas movie?
Mary, this is Heartmark.
Christmas movies are
our bread and butter.
You get this one back on track,
the promotion's yours.
I won't let you down.
But you hate Christmas.
No, I hate Christmas movies.
How can anyone hate
Christmas movies?
Trust me, I can.
Look, if I want the promotion,
I have to do this.
It's only for a few days.
Ugh. You still don't know
how I take my coffee, do you?
Honey, we've been engaged
for two years.
When are you gonna
stop caring about that?
(smooches)
(sighs)
So where are they sending you?
The last small town
that can pass for Canada
passing for America
that didn't already have
another one of our
Christmas movies shooting in it.
♪ ♪
MOE: So...
real exciting having you
big-city movie guys around.
- Uh-huh.
- Christmas movie shot
in the summer.
Now, uh, why do youse do that?
Well, it's for a variety
of reasons.
Oh, reasons! (laughs)
Yeah, yeah, I figured, yeah.
And here you are.
Welcome to your Airbnb!
You must be Mary Tannenbaum.
I'm Marge Simpson.
Homer, the bags!
Yes, Mrs. Simpson.
♪ Welcome to our humble home ♪
♪ We have chargers
for your phone. ♪
You know, I'm really tired.
Of course, let me show you
to the Bartholomew suite.
Oh, I can't believe
Mom gave her my room.
She's gonna shed
girl particles all over it.
Shut up, boy,
we're all in this together.
And by "we," I mean "me"
bleeding this movie production
dry for 500 bucks a night.
Fine, then I'm sleeping
in my treehouse.
Heh, good luck.
I'm renting that out
to the sound effects guy.
- (lion roars)
- (explosion)
(Wilhelm scream)
- Aw, man, what the...?
- (horn blows)
Please tell me you have Wi-Fi.
Wi-Fi do, that's news to me.
(laughs)
(sighs)
- (gasps)
- You work for Heartmark?
- Mm.
- I've seen all
the Christmas movies.
Christmas at Cozy Manor.
A Soldier for Mommy
at Christmas.
Okay, okay,
in Flyover Country Christmas,
when Abigail found
the nest of reindeer eggs,
- what did she do...
- Look, I have no idea.
I never work
on Christmas movies.
(gasps) What?
But they're the best ones.
Not for me.
I'm just here
to put out a few fires
and get home to the big city
and my surgeon fiancé.
Sounds handsome.
MARGE: No rush.
Ta-da!
It's not
the Sex and City brunches
you're used to,
but we do all right.
I don't know what goes on
an everything bagel,
so I just took a stab at it.
I actually don't eat bread.
Or dairy or whatever those are.
All right, gluten balls!
Mmm, mmm!
(gulping)
- (gasps)
- Ms. Tannenbaum?
Do you mind if I shoot
a behind-the-scenes documentary
about the movie to earn
my Little Filmmaker merit badge?
I-I don't really know
how to talk to kids.
Neither do I!
I'll see you on set.
Look, I'll just grab
something on my way.
Thanks so much.
Oh, why don't more foods come
in "everything"?
What can I get you, hon?
I'll have an extra-tall, nonfat,
triple-vegan espresso mocha,
clean white, two-pump,
half-barley water,
half-macadamia milk
with room for air.
We got regular
and we got griddle drippings.
(Skinner laughs)
I'm sorry, is something funny?
Oh, just you city folk
and your legume milks.
That and this
Pearls Before Swine comic.
I was laughing
at both things simultaneously.
Well, at least in the city,
we don't all die at 60
from butter-clogged
heart failure.
No, don't go.
Maybe they've got
some lentils you can milk.
- Or acorns.
- (laughter)
Ah, city folk.
They don't know the joys
of small-town diners.
Like yelling gossip
across a crowded room.
Hey, Sea Captain, how's the IBS?
Yarr, if I'm calm, it's calm.
You tell Markie Post
that if she's got issues
with the script, I can have
Swoosie Kurtz on the next plane
out here and for half her price.
And if Swoosie Kurtz has
a problem with that,
Annie Potts is already here.
Great work, Mary,
but we've got more problems.
One... I directed a hundred
of these, they're all the same.
Two... our gazebo guy
has come down
with a nasty case
of carpenter's divorce.
Oh, why didn't I lock my iPad?!
Great. How will people know
this Christmas town is quaint
without multiple gazebos?
And when you got that
figured out,
some local nutjob has taken
down our Christmas stuff.
- Ugh. I'll take care of it.
- (hammering)
BOTH: Ugh. It's you.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm setting up the town's annual
Lettuce and Tomato Festival.
It's our summertime tradition
in honor of too-oft eaten,
but seldom celebrated workhorses
of barbecue season.
The whole town turns out.
We're trying
to shoot a movie here.
Well, if your movie is anything
like your gazebos,
you're looking at some major
structure problems,
and I should know.
Hmm. How about this?
You build our gazebos,
and I'll make sure
they halt production
for your little festival.
Mm. All right, you've got,
as you say in the big city,
a deal.
And... good enough.
Or whatever. Who cares really?
(phone chimes)
Okay, movie's back on schedule,
under budget,
and our shipment of cozy scarves
was released from customs.
Ah, looks like
mission accomplished, Mary.
You know it, Cab Driver.
I can't wait to get home
to my condo,
my gay best friend
and my surgeon fiancé.
And I'll never have
to work on a...
Christmas movie again.
(phone rings)
Hello, sir.
Yes, everything's
been taken care of.
You want me to stay
for the entire shoot?
And if I leave
I won't get the promotion?
And I have an annoying way
of talking on the phone?
Yes, sir.
It had to be a Christmas movie.
But Samantha,
I can't go caroling with you.
Your Christmas megastore's
gonna put
my mom-and-pop ornament shop
out of business.
Oh, Bruce, all I cared about
was my career,
but then we had that moment
at Christmas Creek,
and things changed.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut!
You idiots are using the names
from the last one of these
we shot.
You're Sondra and Jeff now.
Don't worry. We can just
dub the names in later.
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
None of this matters.
All right, moving on
to the... Ooh.
...the golden retriever
Christmas sweater fashion show.
(panting)
Simpson House Airbnb...
Home of the original
gluten ball.
Free parking on Flanders' lawn.
Oh, Dad,
the house is too full already.
I slept in the bathtub
last night.
I woke up
with drain marks on my face.
Suck it up, Drain Face.
This movie production's
a gold mine.
Hey, how would you fellas like
to sleep in my marital bed?
- BOTH: Hmm.
- Oh! (grunts)
Yup. Nothing like the magic
of a fully-funded Hollywood set.
Hmm. Who to gouge? Who to gouge?
Well, bad news.
We're all out of fake snow.
So use one of the other brands...
Drift King, Flurry Slurry,
Blizzard Butter.
No, there's none left.
Heartmark is shooting at least
50 other Christmas movies
as we speak.
I don't care how much it costs.
Just find me some fake snow.
Fake snow? More like easy dough.
How hard could it be
to find white stuff to grind up?
(instrumental of
"Let It Snow" playing)
(whirring)
(whirring)
♪ ♪
(whirring)
Would you mind taking a break?
We're about
to shoot the pivotal scene
where the two leads realize
they're starting
to like each other.
Well, well,
the big city gal
is telling me to slow down.
There's a humorous reversal
for you.
The gazebos look great.
You're very talented.
Oh, only with my hands.
(phone ringing)
Hey there! What a nice surprise!
Hey, babe.
How are things in the boondocks?
God, you must be miserable.
Oh, yeah, I'm surrounded
by a bunch of backwoods,
lotto-scratching,
monster-truck-driving,
Big-Gulp-guzzling bumpkins.
I can't wait
to go back to the city.
Well, it'll all be worth it when
you get your big promotion...
Movie executive
for a greeting card company.
See? I listen.
- ♪ ♪ - Ah.
Mm.
Okay, there's nowhere else
to sleep.
I have no choice.
! Ay, caramba!
Okay, ladies,
let's get this over with.
(Bart whimpering)
Ah!
No more girlie stuff.
Lights out.
As you wish, Prince Pajama Foot.
(lullaby playing)
Most people think
the capital is New York,
but it's Albany.
(snores softly)
Most people.
Oh, my God. She's sleep-nerding.
(Maggie snoring)
(screams)
Can I sleep in here
with you guys?
Aah!
Oh, sorry, kid,
no room at the inn.
That's it!
I am getting my room back!
- Tough day?
- Aah!
Would you like some tea?
I found the brand
Gwyneth Paltrow likes.
I think you take it orally.
Well, do you have any wine?
Wine? Why, yes. Yes, I do.
(gasps) I'm moving into
"quirky best friend" territory.
So, we were supposed to shoot
the big Christmas tree lighting
scene tomorrow,
but it turns out Springfield has
a very aggressive
beaver population.
(beavers grunting)
So no more
big town-wide celebration.
But you need that!
That's the part in every
Heartmark Christmas movie
where everybody comes together,
and the jaded outsider
is finally won over.
Well, we don't have the time
or money or creativity
to come up with something new.
So unless Springfield already
has some big event tomorrow,
that's already decorated
in Christmas colors...
♪ ♪
Great work, Mary.
This movie
just might be good enough
to fold laundry to.
How are you gonna explain
all the produce
and people wearing shorts?
Eh, so long
as the attractive white people
make with the closed-mouth
smooches, nobody's complaining.
What is going on here?
I leave to pick up
my I-heart-Bibb bibs,
and you turn my summer festival
into a-a-a holiday set piece!
I thought we had a deal.
But look,
everyone's having a great time.
Hey, Skinner, I never thought
the Lettice and Tomato Festival
could get any better...
But Christmas!
Yeah. Makes Okratoberfest
seem ridiculous in comparison.
All I gotta do
is ruin this movie.
Then I get my room back.
Hmm. Hmm...
-Whoa! Hey!
-Hey!
-(people shrieking)
Aw, no, this is the worst thing
to happen to this movie
since someone wrote it.
Okay, that's a wrap for today.
-SKINNER (muffled): Help. Help!
-MARY (muffled): Help!
Help, help!
We're trapped.
(sighs)
It had to be a Christmas movie.
(sighs) Zero bars.
Well, we'll just have to dig
our way out.
Aah! What the hell
is this fake snow made of?
I have no idea.
We paid some local lunatic
to grind it for us.
Well, I hope you're happy.
First you ruin my festival,
and now this.
People loved it!
You heard that pair of
nuclear engineering simpletons.
(chuckles):
Oh, Lenny and Carl
like everything.
That's their affect.
Is it getting hotter in here?
It would appear
our heated verbal sparring
is upping the temperature
in this confined space.
Well, I guess
we should agree not to talk.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Um, maybe this'll cool you down.
Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry
I ruined your festival.
No, you made it better.
People seemed to actually be
showing up on purpose this year.
Springfield's lucky
to have someone like you
who cares so much
about small-town values.
(yawns)
Sure is hot in here.
Perhaps we should huddle closer.
For coolness.
Good morning.
How did you get out?
Well, luckily,
the fake snow hardened,
and I was able to dig my way out
with this shoehorn
I always carry on my person.
God, you're handy.
One extra-tall, nonfat,
triple-vegan espresso mocha,
clean white,
two-pump, half-barley water,
half-macadamia milk
with room for air.
- You remembered.
- Who could forget it?
SURGEON FIANCE: Mary?
So this is why
you didn't answer my calls.
No! It's not what it looks like!
He's just the gazebo builder.
You took my room from me,
movie lady.
And now it's payback time.
Hey, everybody! Want to see
what this Heartmark phony
really thinks of you?
My footage!
Oh. Yeah.
I'm surrounded by a bunch
of backwoods, lotto-scratching,
monster-truck-driving,
Big Gulp-guzzling bumpkins.
(gasping)
But we opened our hearts to you.
I let myself be whimsical
in front of you!
How dare you
not be charmed by us.
(stomach gurgles)
I may drive a monster truck,
but the real monster is she!
Wait! I didn't mean it!
And we know all about your plans
to sell the town
to that big developer who wants
to turn it into condos.
No, I'm not.
How would I sell the town?
Yeah, all right.
Forget I said anything.
I took a shot. I whiffed it.
Let's just... move on.
Mary, you got to do something.
Without these Big Gulp-guzzling
bumpkins as extras,
we can't finish the movie.
Come back, everyone!
Come back.
I love it
when a shoot falls apart.
I was sent here
to put out fires.
How could you say those hurtful
things about Springfield?
I'm sorry, but working
on this movie's been so painful.
For me, Christmas is the least
wonderful time of the year.
But the song says "the most."
I know what the song says!
There's a reason
I hate Christmas movies.
It all started one winter,
when a movie production
came to town.
My dad thought
it'd be fun to be an extra.
They cast him
as a store employee
in a scene where crazed parents
stormed in
to get the hottest toy.
He was trampled to death.
You can still see
his last moments on Earth
in the trailer for... (sobs)
Jingle All the Way.
(glass shatters)
(cries)
And now I've lost everything,
my fiancé, my dream job
and, worst of all,
the respect of a small town.
Then you do like Springfield.
I've come to love this place,
with its homespun ways,
its earnest, hardworking folk
and its wonderful
airbed-and-breakfasts.
I guess what I'm saying is,
I'm really gonna miss you all.
Airport, please.
Right away.
I just got to make
one quick stop.
MARY:
The simple townsfolk are
rebuilding the set!
It's a miracle!
We're gonna be able to finish
this piece of crap after all.
(laughing)
You. But how?
I gave a rousing speech
about how our Gulps might be big
and our trucks might be monster
but our hearts
are enlarged as well.
And I secretly filmed you saying
nice things to my mom.
And I showed the whole town.
Yeah, and we saw that was
the real youse. (chuckles)
(cheering)
Thank you for showing me
that small towns
are the best-sized towns of all
and Christmas movies
are the best movies,
because everything
always works out,
no matter how contrived.
Now let's finish this movie.
(cheering)
Mary, wait, I...
I don't know
what happened in that gazebo,
but I don't care!
So who's it gonna be,
me or him?
Darling, you're perfect.
But maybe life isn't
about perfect.
Skinner...
I don't know your first name...
You're the one who remembered
how I like my coffee,
and that's why I choose you.
ALL: Aw!
Are you nuts?
Pick him!
He's a thousand times better
than me.
He's a surgeon.
A handsome surgeon.
What was your plan?
Were you gonna move here?
Were we gonna share a car?
I'm getting dizzy just thinking
about your poor decision-making.
This is twice now.
I know.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ ♪
That was the worst movie
I've ever seen.
That snow looked so fake.
Mom, uh...
no.
I don't care!
These movies are for moms
and their wine
and a cozy throw blanket
and a candle
that smells like a pine tree
or hot apples.
If you're not any
of those things,
scram before
the next one starts.
(muttering)
(inhales deeply)
(sighs contentedly)
Shh!
Okay, Mary,
you're a big city girl
who never stops to enjoy
the little things in life.
And today, it all pays off.
Congratulations, Mary.
All the movies you've produced
for the Heartmark Channel
are huge hits!
I mean, Murder She Braised
scored in every single one
of our key demos.
Women 18 to 49
and women 49 and up.
Well, I'm very passionate
about telling stories
about homemakers
who solve mysteries.
How would you like
to be president
of our entire
Homemaker Mysteries division?
Thank you, sir. When do I start?
What? Hey... oh, not so fast.
One of our other movies is
in a little bit of trouble.
I need you to put out
a few fires
on the set of A Christmas
Ornament for Christmas.
A Christmas movie?
Mary, this is Heartmark.
Christmas movies are
our bread and butter.
You get this one back on track,
the promotion's yours.
I won't let you down.
But you hate Christmas.
No, I hate Christmas movies.
How can anyone hate
Christmas movies?
Trust me, I can.
Look, if I want the promotion,
I have to do this.
It's only for a few days.
Ugh. You still don't know
how I take my coffee, do you?
Honey, we've been engaged
for two years.
When are you gonna
stop caring about that?
(smooches)
(sighs)
So where are they sending you?
The last small town
that can pass for Canada
passing for America
that didn't already have
another one of our
Christmas movies shooting in it.
♪ ♪
MOE: So...
real exciting having you
big-city movie guys around.
- Uh-huh.
- Christmas movie shot
in the summer.
Now, uh, why do youse do that?
Well, it's for a variety
of reasons.
Oh, reasons! (laughs)
Yeah, yeah, I figured, yeah.
And here you are.
Welcome to your Airbnb!
You must be Mary Tannenbaum.
I'm Marge Simpson.
Homer, the bags!
Yes, Mrs. Simpson.
♪ Welcome to our humble home ♪
♪ We have chargers
for your phone. ♪
You know, I'm really tired.
Of course, let me show you
to the Bartholomew suite.
Oh, I can't believe
Mom gave her my room.
She's gonna shed
girl particles all over it.
Shut up, boy,
we're all in this together.
And by "we," I mean "me"
bleeding this movie production
dry for 500 bucks a night.
Fine, then I'm sleeping
in my treehouse.
Heh, good luck.
I'm renting that out
to the sound effects guy.
- (lion roars)
- (explosion)
(Wilhelm scream)
- Aw, man, what the...?
- (horn blows)
Please tell me you have Wi-Fi.
Wi-Fi do, that's news to me.
(laughs)
(sighs)
- (gasps)
- You work for Heartmark?
- Mm.
- I've seen all
the Christmas movies.
Christmas at Cozy Manor.
A Soldier for Mommy
at Christmas.
Okay, okay,
in Flyover Country Christmas,
when Abigail found
the nest of reindeer eggs,
- what did she do...
- Look, I have no idea.
I never work
on Christmas movies.
(gasps) What?
But they're the best ones.
Not for me.
I'm just here
to put out a few fires
and get home to the big city
and my surgeon fiancé.
Sounds handsome.
MARGE: No rush.
Ta-da!
It's not
the Sex and City brunches
you're used to,
but we do all right.
I don't know what goes on
an everything bagel,
so I just took a stab at it.
I actually don't eat bread.
Or dairy or whatever those are.
All right, gluten balls!
Mmm, mmm!
(gulping)
- (gasps)
- Ms. Tannenbaum?
Do you mind if I shoot
a behind-the-scenes documentary
about the movie to earn
my Little Filmmaker merit badge?
I-I don't really know
how to talk to kids.
Neither do I!
I'll see you on set.
Look, I'll just grab
something on my way.
Thanks so much.
Oh, why don't more foods come
in "everything"?
What can I get you, hon?
I'll have an extra-tall, nonfat,
triple-vegan espresso mocha,
clean white, two-pump,
half-barley water,
half-macadamia milk
with room for air.
We got regular
and we got griddle drippings.
(Skinner laughs)
I'm sorry, is something funny?
Oh, just you city folk
and your legume milks.
That and this
Pearls Before Swine comic.
I was laughing
at both things simultaneously.
Well, at least in the city,
we don't all die at 60
from butter-clogged
heart failure.
No, don't go.
Maybe they've got
some lentils you can milk.
- Or acorns.
- (laughter)
Ah, city folk.
They don't know the joys
of small-town diners.
Like yelling gossip
across a crowded room.
Hey, Sea Captain, how's the IBS?
Yarr, if I'm calm, it's calm.
You tell Markie Post
that if she's got issues
with the script, I can have
Swoosie Kurtz on the next plane
out here and for half her price.
And if Swoosie Kurtz has
a problem with that,
Annie Potts is already here.
Great work, Mary,
but we've got more problems.
One... I directed a hundred
of these, they're all the same.
Two... our gazebo guy
has come down
with a nasty case
of carpenter's divorce.
Oh, why didn't I lock my iPad?!
Great. How will people know
this Christmas town is quaint
without multiple gazebos?
And when you got that
figured out,
some local nutjob has taken
down our Christmas stuff.
- Ugh. I'll take care of it.
- (hammering)
BOTH: Ugh. It's you.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm setting up the town's annual
Lettuce and Tomato Festival.
It's our summertime tradition
in honor of too-oft eaten,
but seldom celebrated workhorses
of barbecue season.
The whole town turns out.
We're trying
to shoot a movie here.
Well, if your movie is anything
like your gazebos,
you're looking at some major
structure problems,
and I should know.
Hmm. How about this?
You build our gazebos,
and I'll make sure
they halt production
for your little festival.
Mm. All right, you've got,
as you say in the big city,
a deal.
And... good enough.
Or whatever. Who cares really?
(phone chimes)
Okay, movie's back on schedule,
under budget,
and our shipment of cozy scarves
was released from customs.
Ah, looks like
mission accomplished, Mary.
You know it, Cab Driver.
I can't wait to get home
to my condo,
my gay best friend
and my surgeon fiancé.
And I'll never have
to work on a...
Christmas movie again.
(phone rings)
Hello, sir.
Yes, everything's
been taken care of.
You want me to stay
for the entire shoot?
And if I leave
I won't get the promotion?
And I have an annoying way
of talking on the phone?
Yes, sir.
It had to be a Christmas movie.
But Samantha,
I can't go caroling with you.
Your Christmas megastore's
gonna put
my mom-and-pop ornament shop
out of business.
Oh, Bruce, all I cared about
was my career,
but then we had that moment
at Christmas Creek,
and things changed.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut!
You idiots are using the names
from the last one of these
we shot.
You're Sondra and Jeff now.
Don't worry. We can just
dub the names in later.
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
None of this matters.
All right, moving on
to the... Ooh.
...the golden retriever
Christmas sweater fashion show.
(panting)
Simpson House Airbnb...
Home of the original
gluten ball.
Free parking on Flanders' lawn.
Oh, Dad,
the house is too full already.
I slept in the bathtub
last night.
I woke up
with drain marks on my face.
Suck it up, Drain Face.
This movie production's
a gold mine.
Hey, how would you fellas like
to sleep in my marital bed?
- BOTH: Hmm.
- Oh! (grunts)
Yup. Nothing like the magic
of a fully-funded Hollywood set.
Hmm. Who to gouge? Who to gouge?
Well, bad news.
We're all out of fake snow.
So use one of the other brands...
Drift King, Flurry Slurry,
Blizzard Butter.
No, there's none left.
Heartmark is shooting at least
50 other Christmas movies
as we speak.
I don't care how much it costs.
Just find me some fake snow.
Fake snow? More like easy dough.
How hard could it be
to find white stuff to grind up?
(instrumental of
"Let It Snow" playing)
(whirring)
(whirring)
♪ ♪
(whirring)
Would you mind taking a break?
We're about
to shoot the pivotal scene
where the two leads realize
they're starting
to like each other.
Well, well,
the big city gal
is telling me to slow down.
There's a humorous reversal
for you.
The gazebos look great.
You're very talented.
Oh, only with my hands.
(phone ringing)
Hey there! What a nice surprise!
Hey, babe.
How are things in the boondocks?
God, you must be miserable.
Oh, yeah, I'm surrounded
by a bunch of backwoods,
lotto-scratching,
monster-truck-driving,
Big-Gulp-guzzling bumpkins.
I can't wait
to go back to the city.
Well, it'll all be worth it when
you get your big promotion...
Movie executive
for a greeting card company.
See? I listen.
- ♪ ♪ - Ah.
Mm.
Okay, there's nowhere else
to sleep.
I have no choice.
! Ay, caramba!
Okay, ladies,
let's get this over with.
(Bart whimpering)
Ah!
No more girlie stuff.
Lights out.
As you wish, Prince Pajama Foot.
(lullaby playing)
Most people think
the capital is New York,
but it's Albany.
(snores softly)
Most people.
Oh, my God. She's sleep-nerding.
(Maggie snoring)
(screams)
Can I sleep in here
with you guys?
Aah!
Oh, sorry, kid,
no room at the inn.
That's it!
I am getting my room back!
- Tough day?
- Aah!
Would you like some tea?
I found the brand
Gwyneth Paltrow likes.
I think you take it orally.
Well, do you have any wine?
Wine? Why, yes. Yes, I do.
(gasps) I'm moving into
"quirky best friend" territory.
So, we were supposed to shoot
the big Christmas tree lighting
scene tomorrow,
but it turns out Springfield has
a very aggressive
beaver population.
(beavers grunting)
So no more
big town-wide celebration.
But you need that!
That's the part in every
Heartmark Christmas movie
where everybody comes together,
and the jaded outsider
is finally won over.
Well, we don't have the time
or money or creativity
to come up with something new.
So unless Springfield already
has some big event tomorrow,
that's already decorated
in Christmas colors...
♪ ♪
Great work, Mary.
This movie
just might be good enough
to fold laundry to.
How are you gonna explain
all the produce
and people wearing shorts?
Eh, so long
as the attractive white people
make with the closed-mouth
smooches, nobody's complaining.
What is going on here?
I leave to pick up
my I-heart-Bibb bibs,
and you turn my summer festival
into a-a-a holiday set piece!
I thought we had a deal.
But look,
everyone's having a great time.
Hey, Skinner, I never thought
the Lettice and Tomato Festival
could get any better...
But Christmas!
Yeah. Makes Okratoberfest
seem ridiculous in comparison.
All I gotta do
is ruin this movie.
Then I get my room back.
Hmm. Hmm...
-Whoa! Hey!
-Hey!
-(people shrieking)
Aw, no, this is the worst thing
to happen to this movie
since someone wrote it.
Okay, that's a wrap for today.
-SKINNER (muffled): Help. Help!
-MARY (muffled): Help!
Help, help!
We're trapped.
(sighs)
It had to be a Christmas movie.
(sighs) Zero bars.
Well, we'll just have to dig
our way out.
Aah! What the hell
is this fake snow made of?
I have no idea.
We paid some local lunatic
to grind it for us.
Well, I hope you're happy.
First you ruin my festival,
and now this.
People loved it!
You heard that pair of
nuclear engineering simpletons.
(chuckles):
Oh, Lenny and Carl
like everything.
That's their affect.
Is it getting hotter in here?
It would appear
our heated verbal sparring
is upping the temperature
in this confined space.
Well, I guess
we should agree not to talk.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Um, maybe this'll cool you down.
Thanks.
Look, I'm sorry
I ruined your festival.
No, you made it better.
People seemed to actually be
showing up on purpose this year.
Springfield's lucky
to have someone like you
who cares so much
about small-town values.
(yawns)
Sure is hot in here.
Perhaps we should huddle closer.
For coolness.
Good morning.
How did you get out?
Well, luckily,
the fake snow hardened,
and I was able to dig my way out
with this shoehorn
I always carry on my person.
God, you're handy.
One extra-tall, nonfat,
triple-vegan espresso mocha,
clean white,
two-pump, half-barley water,
half-macadamia milk
with room for air.
- You remembered.
- Who could forget it?
SURGEON FIANCE: Mary?
So this is why
you didn't answer my calls.
No! It's not what it looks like!
He's just the gazebo builder.
You took my room from me,
movie lady.
And now it's payback time.
Hey, everybody! Want to see
what this Heartmark phony
really thinks of you?
My footage!
Oh. Yeah.
I'm surrounded by a bunch
of backwoods, lotto-scratching,
monster-truck-driving,
Big Gulp-guzzling bumpkins.
(gasping)
But we opened our hearts to you.
I let myself be whimsical
in front of you!
How dare you
not be charmed by us.
(stomach gurgles)
I may drive a monster truck,
but the real monster is she!
Wait! I didn't mean it!
And we know all about your plans
to sell the town
to that big developer who wants
to turn it into condos.
No, I'm not.
How would I sell the town?
Yeah, all right.
Forget I said anything.
I took a shot. I whiffed it.
Let's just... move on.
Mary, you got to do something.
Without these Big Gulp-guzzling
bumpkins as extras,
we can't finish the movie.
Come back, everyone!
Come back.
I love it
when a shoot falls apart.
I was sent here
to put out fires.
How could you say those hurtful
things about Springfield?
I'm sorry, but working
on this movie's been so painful.
For me, Christmas is the least
wonderful time of the year.
But the song says "the most."
I know what the song says!
There's a reason
I hate Christmas movies.
It all started one winter,
when a movie production
came to town.
My dad thought
it'd be fun to be an extra.
They cast him
as a store employee
in a scene where crazed parents
stormed in
to get the hottest toy.
He was trampled to death.
You can still see
his last moments on Earth
in the trailer for... (sobs)
Jingle All the Way.
(glass shatters)
(cries)
And now I've lost everything,
my fiancé, my dream job
and, worst of all,
the respect of a small town.
Then you do like Springfield.
I've come to love this place,
with its homespun ways,
its earnest, hardworking folk
and its wonderful
airbed-and-breakfasts.
I guess what I'm saying is,
I'm really gonna miss you all.
Airport, please.
Right away.
I just got to make
one quick stop.
MARY:
The simple townsfolk are
rebuilding the set!
It's a miracle!
We're gonna be able to finish
this piece of crap after all.
(laughing)
You. But how?
I gave a rousing speech
about how our Gulps might be big
and our trucks might be monster
but our hearts
are enlarged as well.
And I secretly filmed you saying
nice things to my mom.
And I showed the whole town.
Yeah, and we saw that was
the real youse. (chuckles)
(cheering)
Thank you for showing me
that small towns
are the best-sized towns of all
and Christmas movies
are the best movies,
because everything
always works out,
no matter how contrived.
Now let's finish this movie.
(cheering)
Mary, wait, I...
I don't know
what happened in that gazebo,
but I don't care!
So who's it gonna be,
me or him?
Darling, you're perfect.
But maybe life isn't
about perfect.
Skinner...
I don't know your first name...
You're the one who remembered
how I like my coffee,
and that's why I choose you.
ALL: Aw!
Are you nuts?
Pick him!
He's a thousand times better
than me.
He's a surgeon.
A handsome surgeon.
What was your plan?
Were you gonna move here?
Were we gonna share a car?
I'm getting dizzy just thinking
about your poor decision-making.
This is twice now.
I know.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ ♪
That was the worst movie
I've ever seen.
That snow looked so fake.
Mom, uh...
no.
I don't care!
These movies are for moms
and their wine
and a cozy throw blanket
and a candle
that smells like a pine tree
or hot apples.
If you're not any
of those things,
scram before
the next one starts.
(muttering)
(inhales deeply)
(sighs contentedly)
Shh!