The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 7 - Livin la Pura Vida - full transcript

The Simpsons join other Springfield families on the Van Houtens' annual trip to Costa Rica, where Homer befriends Patty's new girlfriend and Lisa discovers how the Van Houtens are able to afford this trip every year.

Thanks for hosting.

How was the sleepover?

They each had a 5-Hour Energy
drink and a jar of Nutella

and then watched Russian
dashcam videos all night.

Vodit' znachit ubivat'!

Listen, Marge.

Every year, Kirk and I rent
a luxury villa in Costa Rica

and invite a few select families
to join us. (chuckles)

Maybe you've heard about it?

MARGE: I've always dreamed
of being invited on this trip,

and now it's about to happen.



Play it cool, Marge,
like only you can.

Let me see.

Um... (smacking lips)

Costa Rica...

Nope, nope.

(popping lips)

Sorry, it's news to me.

We were wondering,
would your family

be interested in joining us?

When would you need
an answer by?

Oh, the sooner the better.

(tires screeching)

MARGE:
Costa Rica!

Costa Rica!



Time to rock and...

MARGE:
Costa Rica!

Whee...!

MARGE (chanting):
Costa Rica! Costa Rica!

Costa Rica...!

(tires screech)
Costa Rica.

Family meeting!

Right now!

(woozy groaning)

Mwah!

The Van Houtens invited us

on their super-exclusive
multi-family vacation

to Costa Rica!

We'll stay in a luxury villa
right on the beach...

Whoo-hoo!

...near pristine rain forests,

home to five percent
of the species on Earth...

Biodiversity!

...in a land where it's normal
for kids to carry machetes.

Legalize it!

And you can chew
on the guidebook.

I've always dreamed
of being the kind of family

that other families would be
willing to do things with.

BART AND LISA (chanting):
Costa Rica!

- Costa Rica!
- Airport food court!

- Airport food court!
- Costa Rica!

Whoa.

Now, that's a tympanic membrane
that just won't quit.

HOMER: Whoa.
This trip's gonna cost how much?

MARGE:
I know it's expensive,

but we spend our whole lives
worrying about money.

That's because we
don't have that much.

We have a mortgage,
a reverse mortgage.

I think the house is owned
by the car.

Life is about experiences.

Look at this photo the Hibberts
posted from last year's trip.

Now look at my feed.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I want a photo of you and me
by that waterfall.

The hope of going on this trip
is the only reason

I've allowed Bart
to stay friends with Milhouse.

Now I understand everything.

MARGE:
Homie, I know it's a stretch,

but if Kirk and Luann
can afford it...

Yeah. He can't earn that much.

His job is moving
the Topless Maids van

so they don't get
parking tickets.

Let's have one damn fling and
hope everything will be okay.

You know what?
You are right.

I am sick of being
the responsible one

in this marriage.

Let's live life.

Remember, we can never be poor

as long as we have each other.

(both sigh)

(groaning):
Oh... yes, we can.

You know, what if we stayed home

and just did puzzles
of Costa Rica?

I mean, this trip sounds
really expensive.

- No, not really.
- What? No!

You just let the grown-ups worry
about grown-up things, okay?

(chuckles)
Your mom and dad

have our financial future
all under control.

(tires squeal)

Ooh! Free ticket!

The rich get richer!

(groans)

Ah, the multi-family vacation.

Let's see who we've got.

The Van Houtens, of course.
The Hibberts.

Superintendent Chalmers
and his daughter.

I can't believe
my father is tearing us apart

for a whole week.

Sweetie,
it's a very long flight.

Why don't you save
your phone battery.

All you care about is batteries!

You've never been in love.

Your mother and I had a very...

(sighs)
Never mind.

Yep, not one person here

I'd mind spending
an extended period of time with.

I didn't have time to wax,
so I'll do it on the plane.

(Homer gasps)

What the hell
is that doing here?

Well, Lou the cop and his sister
were gonna go,

but a billboard fell on him

and her wind chime store
burned down.

So I suggested Patty
and her new girlfriend.

You deliberately hid this
from me

until it was too late
to back out.

- Yes.
- Don't try to deny it.

(Patty and Evelyn moan)

Patty's new relationship
really has to work out,

because the dating apps
won't take her anymore.

All I ask is that
you're nice to them.

Evelyn, this is
my husband Homer.

A very polite hello
to you, madam.

Well, well, Homer Simpson.

I've heard so much about you.

Surely you have,
but in my defense,

urinating on a privately owned
merry-go-round

is not public urination.

Hmm.

? ?

(all gasp)

MARGE (gasps):
Ooh.

Okay, who wants Miguelitos?

Now, I should warn the newbies--

these will seem
very authentic to you.

Mmm. This stuff is pura vida
in a glass.

What's pura vida?

(chuckling)

Oh...
(continues chuckling)

Uh, it means "pure life."

Kind of a state of mind
down here.

Very chill.

Like what you think of as chill

but, like,
a million times chiller.

Homie, I think
I'm having an experience.

Every time a fruit meets a
booze, a magic vacation is born.

? ?

- (cash register dings)
- (Lisa groans)

Mmm.

(groaning):
Oh...

Well, you can try.

(laughter)

Oh, boy, I didn't know that.

- Hmm?
- Hmm?

(laughter)

So true.

- EVELYN: Hmm...
- HOMER: Hmm.

Rodrigo, Rodrigo, mi hermano,

put the bill on this.
(chuckles)

Nothing is less pura vida
than check-splitting.

On this trip
I pay for everything up front--

food, the villa rental,

cloud forest murder mystery--

and I keep track of 'em
right here.

Then we settle up at the end.

ANNOUNCER:
Smokey Blandings is putting on

a cornhole clinic tonight.

ANNOUNCER 2:
And this is where fatigue
really sets in, Jim.

When you're tossing
that fourth beanbag,

your muscles
are screaming, son.

- Booyah!
- Good heavenly days!

Hmm?

You also follow
the pro cornhole tour?

Sure do. I used to play
on my daddy's farm.

We'd toss bags all day,

even when it was hotter
than a two-dollar pistol.

Ooh, ooh.

That is hot.

Do you always speak
in such colorful Southern-isms?

(laughs) Does a mama possum
skip church on Sundays?

Hmm.

I bet she does.

(laughs)

Homer, put your phone away.

Evelyn, please.

(both chuckle)

? ?

Evelyn, you don't want
to go shopping with us?

It's a vacation, sugar bear.

We should be lying on the beach
like a lost flip-flop.

(chuckles)

But, darling, there's nothing
to do at the beach except drink.

You know what? Why don't
you two take in the sights

while I chaperone your
Southern se?orita to the beach?

Well, my, my,
what an elegant solution.

Well, I guess this way
everyone's happy.

(Marge and Patty grumble)

(Evelyn chuckles)

Tonight's dinner
is amazing, folks:

line-caught mahi mahi.

The local fishermen pass the
lines down from father to son,

so, boy,
you can taste the heritage.

(monkeys screeching)

KIRK:
Dios m?o!

Eh, what?

Oh. Hey, guys.

We met these awesome monkeys
on the beach,

and we said
they could crash here

in exchange
for them being hilarious.

(laughs)
Sweetie, you did not tell me

your brother-in-law was
such a fun guy.

You two should be so happy.

Your husband and your girlfriend

are amigos!

(Marge and Patty grumble)

(gasps)
Who's that with you, Jimbo?

Is that Stacy?

Oh, my God.

Jimbo is cheating on me!

Wha...?

Okay, makeup kit, selfie stick.

(gasps) Oh, God, where's
the selfie stick charger?

Honey, relax.

The waterfall picture's
going to be fine.

Fine? If this photo
is just "fine,"

we're getting a divorce.

-(whimpers)
-Okay, okay,
that crossed the line,

but this is
a once-in-a-lifetime trip

and our only shot
at a perfect moment.

I get it-- you're mad
about my awesome monkey party.

But you wanted me to be nice
to Patty's girlfriend,

and guess what.

She's cool.

Just what you need,
another drinking buddy.

Just promise me you'll behave
for the rest of the trip.

Okay, okay.
I will stay far away

from Patty's
fun Southern girlfriend.

Or as she would say,

"further away
than a fat-cheeked boy

from a porch full of grannies."

(giggles)

Run, fat boy, run!

(grunting)

(anxious panting)

Why are you freaking out?

Shouldn't you be in the jungle

kissing a boa constrictor
or something?

This trip is so expensive,
and Mom and Dad don't care,

so I'm practicing sleeping
in a car

for when we lose the house
and have to sleep in our car!

Well, Milhouse's dad writes down
how much money everyone owes

in that book,
so all we have to do is snag it,

then show Mom and Dad
the numbers.

Yes! That'll snap 'em
out of their financial insanity.

You up for a little
breaking and entering?

Break into a grown-up's bedroom?

Whoa, big move.

Okay, we'll do it
when everyone's on the hike.

But how do we get rid
of Milhouse?

Not a problem.
Milhouse already ditched me

for Dr. Hibbert's kid.

His "vacation friend."

Hey, JJ, do you still
like Legos?

- Uh... not really.
- Me neither.

Lego sucks! (grunts)

Hey, JJ, why don't we put on a
play for the grown-ups tonight?

Ooh, sweetie, look,
a "Flowers of Costa Rica"

scavenger hunt. I wonder
how many we can find together?

Just braid, Daddy!

I need to look super hot
to win back Jimbo's heart.

(sighs)
Darling, you're experiencing

so many emotions
for the first time.

And that's very healthy, but...

He strayed because of you!

Hey, JJ, one time my friend got
a temporary tattoo

but told his dad it was real.

Okay, let's steal that ledger.

What's that thing?

Grappling hook made
of Patty's underwire bra

and Dad's
bathing suit drawstring.

Will it reach?

(grunts)

(clicks)

This is so weird, being in
another grown-up's bedroom.

Boy, you're telling me.
He doesn't even work out.

Uh, I don't want to learn
anything else about this family.

It's too late.

(both shuddering)

All right, bottled water break.

I can drink from the stream.

After all these years,
my gut biome is simpatico

with the local bacteria.

Ugh! Oh, God, there's something
moving inside me!

Oh, look out!
Oh, look out!

Look out, I said look out!
Look out!

Oh, God, no simpatico!
No simpatico!

Hey, Homer.
You want a hit off this?

Oh, Evelyn. You and I both love
secret day drinking,

but I promised Marge
I'd have a bad time

the rest of this vacation.

I hear exactly
what you're saying.

Mm-hmm?
Mmm.

- (gasps)
- Did you find the ledger?

No, but take a look at this.

These are stone spheres

made by the extinct
Diquis people of Costa Rica.

No one knows what they were for,
but they're priceless artifacts.

So what is Milhouse's
loser dad doing with them?

- (lock clicks)
- (both gasp)

(Kirk groans)

Oh, I'm sorry, Kirk's tum-tum.

(groans)

Daddy drank some ick-ick.

(Kirk groans)

Oh, the rumblies are coming.

The rumblies are coming!

- They're here!
- (Bart grunts)

(Kirk groans)

If we get this photo right,

this multi-family vacation
will be worth every penny.

(Homer giggles)

You're so cute
when you're super controlling.

- (Marge sniffs)
- (phone camera clicks)

You've been drinking.

(slurring):
Well, maybe Evelyn added

a little Southern charm
to my water.

That woman!
She brings out the worst in you!

Look!

MARGE:
Oh, my God.

It's perfect.

You look good,
and I look better.

Post it. Post it.

EVELYN:
Homer!

Buddy, hi. Watch me do
a Savannah Polecat Flip.

(whoops, grunts)

No!

Come back, camera fish!

(grunting)
Oh!

(grunts)

(Homer groaning frantically)

(Patty growls)

All I wanted was for my friends
to be jealous of me.

I hope you're happy

now that that bald gorilla
has dragged my girlfriend down

to his pathetic level.

(snoring)

Patricia Maleficent Bouvier,

I've put up with you criticizing
my husband for years,

and I've had it.

Evelyn got Homer drunk.

Evelyn ruined my dream photo.

She's the bad influence.

That's ridiculous.

She may be Southern,
she may be a woman,

but you're dating a Homer.

(Evelyn and Homer snoring)

Oh, no.

Mom, look what I found
in the Van Houtens' room!

They are smuggling
these artifacts home to sell!

(all gasping)

That's how they can afford
this vacation.

But we can't.

And we're gonna have
to live in our car,

and the seats
in our car are sticky,

even though they're cloth!

(sobbing):
You're... you're so gross.

It's so gross.

Salt... and pepper.

These souvenirs
were supposed to be

our end-of-multi-family-vacation
gift to you all.

Way to spoil the surprise.

Not very pura vida.

Not very pura vida at all.

(Lisa and Marge grunt)

Stacy and I are finished.

Shauna Chalmers,
will you marry me?

Oh, my God!

Jimbo proposed!

We are getting freaking married!

(chattering)

Oh, you guys
are slinking off early.

Don't you want to come ziplining
and ruin the trip some more?

Well, I would...

like to agree with my wife
that it's better we leave.

I'll give you the final bill now
so we can settle up.

No discount for leaving early
either. (laughs)

I may be mucho pura vida,
but, uh, I'm not a sucker.

Lisa was right.

We really couldn't afford
this trip.

(breathing loudly)

(whoops)

Ooh, that's a big number.

(guttural panting)

(groans)

How's Patty?
I haven't seen her.

I don't know what happened.

She... broke up with me.

Yeesh.

I know you feel bad, Mom,

but the lady is a Homer.

BOTH:
Mmm.

Oh, all that money,

and we didn't even get
the picture.

(gasps)
Look at this.

Mr. Van Houten even charged us

for those salt
and pepper shakers.

He said those were a gift.

And he didn't even
give them to us.

Then we're not leaving
without them.

- (Homer grunts)
- (Bart yells)

(thud)

(all gasping)

Oh, so that explains it.

HOMER:
Gotcha.

Can't you let us even zipline
in peace?

Look what we found hidden
in your bedroom.

This is a portrait of explorer
Kirkedemious Van Houten,

who settled this area for
a Dutch cracker-trading company,

and he built this house,
which your family still owns.

You're charging us thousands
of dollars in rent

for a house you get for free.

The Van Houtens
are cheating all of us,

so we pay for their vacation.

- I'm stunned.
- I'm shocked.

I'm Shauna.

I'm just as surprised
as any of you.

Oh, what?!
Come on!

This scam was her idea.

And this year
she even charged you more

so we could pay
for our "intimacy coach."

I mean, how many things
can you do with a feather?

Ooh.

Oh, easy, guys, easy.

Everyone try
to remain pura vida. Huh?

I'm gonna pura vida
my foot in your ass

if you don't
give me back my money.

He's zipping away!

Stop him
before he endorses those checks!

So, you and Evelyn broke up?

I thought you really liked her.

I did, but now all I see
is Homer, thanks to you.

Patty! Come back!

I can't!
Because I'm on a zipline...

Ooh.
(grunts)

Patty, I'm sorry I upset you,
but Evelyn is your Homer,

and no one else will ever
understand why you love her,

except for you.

But there's one huge difference
between them.

(grunts)

(Marge grunting)

I'm listening.

Evelyn loves you,

and Homer hates you
more than anything in the world.

Even more than he hates Selma?

He feels sorry for Selma,

because she has to live
with you.

Hold on, Evelyn!

I'm coming!

Go ahead, take your money.

Take away a man's
only source of income.

No, it's real classy.

We just got a free vacation.

LISA, MARGE AND BART:
Hooray!

Now let's charter a helicopter
back to the waterfall

to get your mom's
precious picture.

(groans)

No, no, no. It's okay.

Vacations aren't
about the perfect photo.

It's about being in the moment
and living your... vida.

Mwah!

(both exclaiming happily)

They're as cute
as two bugs in a rug.

Aw.

(laughs)

Honey, I just want you to know

that Jimbo Jones is
a fine young man,

and I'm very happy
for you two to be married.

- Truly.
- Yeah...

Jimbo's parents freaked out
and canceled the wedding.

Whatever.

I'm glad
somebody's setting limits.

You know, pumpkin,
I'm doing my best.

Do you understand that?

That as a single father,
it's not always so easy

to balance guidance
with respect for your...

Yeah...

ah...

CHALMERS: Yeah, now
we're connecting, huh?

Why can't we just leave?

'Cause we have to clean up
before Uncle Pete gets here,

or we'll lose our week
next year.

- (monkeys hooting)
- (screams)

Hey, hey,
this stuff is expensive!

?Comprende?
(grunts)

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- (hooting)

No, amigos, no, no.

No, pura vida!

Pura vida!

Oh, no! No bueno!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!