The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 6 - Marge the Lumberjill - full transcript

What, too soon?

(exclaims)

(school bell rings)

(belches)

(work whistle blows)

Aah!

(scanner beeps)

(tires screech)

D'oh!

(grunts)

Avast there.



It be too late
to alter course, matey.

And there be pirates
lurking in every cove.

Get to the ride.

(all screaming)

Did they get a picture?

Welcome to our first-ever night
of dramatic scenes

written by our students.

Should we silence
our cell phones and pagers?

No, no, no, please,
I beg you, leave them on.

An-And here-here's some candy
to unwrap.

(audience exclaiming)

And now, an new scene
from the CW's Riverdale.

(students cheer)

Jughead, there's been a murder
at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe



and it's up to us kids
to solve it.

I can't deal with that
right now.

My dad's in jail
and the only way to get him out

is to try drugs.

We're both pregnant
with Big Moose's babies.

Wait. So this is a play
based on a YouTube

of kids playing a video game?

- That's right.
- (scoffs) It's about time.

Okay, to get their chug jugs,
I could snipe these guys out

one by one, but the smarter move
is to plant a charge

at the base of their
attack platform

and skull-splat 'em
when they land.

Hey, guys, if you want more
game hacks like this,

be sure to smash our like button
and subscribe to our channel.

Up next, night vision fails.

How is this a play?

Well, sir, video game
walk-throughs

are the only narrative most of
these kids have been exposed to.

- This is their Becket.
- BOTH: Who?

Are you Terry Bradshaw?

No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond.

Boner. Boner from Growing Pains.

(distorted): You're all wrong.
My real identity is...

Flavor Flav!

Flavor Flav? I've heard of you.

I've heard of you so much.

I am such a huge fan
of your movies, books, or music.

I can also pretend
to be impressed.

ALL:
The end.

(scattered applause)

Wake up.
Lisa's next.

Oh, no, please.
I'm having the best dream.

I was in my warm, cozy grave.

Well, I'm gonna dream about me
in a soft, cuddly crypt.

- Yeah...
- Ah...

Amazingly, this next piece
is not based on something

you watch on your phone
or a gas pump,

but is actually
an honest-to-goodness play,

by Lisa "Thank God
You're a Throwback" Simpson.

And so I give you

Long Day's Journey
Into Light Beer.

Where's my beer, Marjorie?

I spent all day making sure
this beer was cold.

Aah!
I make bad choices.

Lisa's really nailed
the Hibberts.

(chuckles)

Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases

are as outdated as my slingshot.

Ay, caramba!

Oh, Mom, it's so hard being
a straight-A student

with a social conscience
who writes amazing plays.

The only stable thing
in this house is you,

making every day
the same as the last.

Exactly the same.

Like the coffee maker says,

things will perk up.

I thought you were
the coffee maker.

You can learn a lot
from percolators.

Make the most
of the daily grind.

The mother character
is such a snooze.

Ralph has nothing
to play against.

(gasps)
They think I'm boring.

(gasps)
This play is about us!

Today I decided
to be a race car driver,

so I was, then I quit.

I also have exciting news.

I converted four soap slivers

into practically a new bar.

Is this how the world sees me--
as a...

How do the kids say lame-o
these days?

We say lame-o, you lame-o.

Suck, suck.
And I felt like the ghost

belonging to the fog.

And the fog was the ghost
of the sea.

Suck, suck.

(cheering)

(indistinct chatter)

You really think
I'm that boring?

Lisa, you made someone feel sad,

which is not what a drama about
a family is supposed to do.

Marge, could we get a picture?

Okay.

- (yawns)
- (shutter clicks)

So all the generations...

Boring.
They think I'm boring.

I'll show them who's boring.

Now, this morning, Marge Simpson
has insistently volunteered

to read a passage.

She says she's gonna
bring her own spin to it.

(humming a tune)

Now, a reading from John, 18:38,

between Pontius Pilate
and Jesus.

(quietly):
Marge! Marge! Marge!

(exaggerated Italian accent):
Hey-a Jesus,

what's a matter for you?

You saying youse a king?

(normal voice) He was Roman,
that's why I'm doing the accent.

(man coughs)

Anyhoo, Jesus answered,
and I think it might have gone

something like this.

(imitating Jackie Mason):
I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter.

A Jewish carpenter.

The only thing I nail
are my SATs.

So then, Pontius says
to the elders,

"This-a Jesus,
he-a look like a nice-a guy."

Nobody talk-a like-a that.

I make a nice-a sentence.

Just like-a Mama
used to construct.

- Oh...
- Can we just hear
Lovejoy's sermon, please?

Yeah, Marge, read the room.

Mm...

You need this more
than we do, lady.

Boring. That's what this
straight-A Girl Scout

has become-- boring.

(thunder crashes)

(screaming)

(gasps) You just had
a near-death experience.

That's exciting.

Whoo! What a rich life
you lead, Mom.

I'm going to bed.

That will really turn around
your boring reputation.

Shh.

(grunting)

(snoring)

(sighs) Don't worry, Homer,
I'll chop the wood.

Like always.

I have to do everything.
(grunts)

Even chop the trees.

(grunting)

- Hyah!
- Whoa!

- Hyah!
- (chuckles)

Hyah!

Mmm. I know where she can put
that chopping to good use.

Homer's neck?

No. He doesn't have one.
Something better.

Lower your right hand.
Gives you more power.

Hmm.

Thanks, um...

Paula.
Friend of Patty's.

We met at Burning Woman.

Nice job on that wood.

HOMER (weakly):
I helped.

Yeah, you helped, all right.

You helped that hammock
kiss the ground.

(weakly):
D'oh.

Marge, I don't know
if you know this,

but I'm a top-level contender
at Timbersports.

That's so interesting.

How does it feel
to be magnificent?

I'll show you.

? The only card I need
is the ace of spades ?

? The ace of spades. ?

(chain saw buzzing)

That is a fascinating hobby.

(sighs) Timbersports
is more than a hobby.

It's an unpaid passion
that you do in your spare time.

Now, we're going to the woods.

(breathes deeply)
Ah.

- What are you doing?
- Breathing.

Breathing for the first time
in my life.

Ah.

Can I do one thing

for the knots in your shoulders?

Sure.

Aah...
Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

Not so... Oh.

Now, to motivate your chopping,

think of things
that make you mad.

Oh, nothing really makes me mad.

Mom, Lisa won't stay on her side
of the thought bubble.

(both grunting)

You have five seconds to live.
(grunts)

So do you, idiot.
We're in the same bubble.

My final words are Lisa sucks!

(grunting)

She's a natural.

? ?

? I walked into the forest ?

? So beautiful and green ?

? And there I saw a woman ?

? Who was chopping down a tree ?

? The sawdust was flyin' ?

? She was spinnin' on a log ?

? On her waist was strapped
a tool belt ?

? With a Black & Decker saw ?

? Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ?

? Buzz, buzz, just one more ?

? Roar, roar, what a thrill ?

? With Lumberjill ?

? Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ?

? Buzz, buzz, just one more ?

? Roar, roar, what a thrill ?

? With Lumberjill. ?

Ooh, ooh...

Ooh, ooh...

I'm Chip Bunyan, eh,
and welcome

to the Springfield
Timbersports Pro-Am.

I'm here with former
NBA analyst Anger Watkins.

Timbersports.
Timber sports?

I snap one P.A.'s bra strap,
and this is where I land?

Who is the Lebron of this thing?
No one will tell me.

His name is Matt Cogar.

Is his nickname The Cougar?

No, his nickname is Matt.

Matt isn't a nickname.

It's a name name.

(stammers)
I'd storm out of here right now

if I weren't so terrified
of squirrels.

Take my money!
Take it!

I'm glom found a passion,

but I wish she didn't
have to kill all those trees.

I read that trees are the cause
of global warming.

Where'd you read that?

-My new fourth grade
science book.
-(grumbles)

(whistles)

(all grunting)

And they're off, displaying
lots of forest gumption, eh?

First we have Nelson Muntz.

He's ten years old,
but, man, is it a hard ten.

(grunting)

(slurring):
Hey. That's my boy.

He gets his pole skills
from his mama.

Oh! Marge Simpson
takes the lead!

No one saw this coming,
because no one was watching.

(stammers) What could
possibly be her motivation?

I'm not boring!

(growls)

- Woo-hoo!
- Yay!

You magnificent she-beast.

All our sweaty passion
and grunting

paid off.

Now's the time
I should tell you. Paula is gay.

Aw.
She made a friend.

You've made me a new woman.

Oh.
Should I be concerned?

It's no weirder than that time
our knees touched under the bar.

You still think about that?

Every day.

(humming a tune)

Aw. I haven't been
this happy in a long time.

You were great,
but I have a question.

Do you want to take it
to the next level?

What do you mean?

Will you ride the blade with me?

You know, help me bow
the jagged-toothed fiddle?

I don't understand.

Draw and drag
the sequoia widow-maker.

You're gonna have to tell me
what you're talking about.

Will you be my partner
on the double-ended bucksaw?

You really think
that I have what it takes?

I know you do.

But if we do this,

you'll have to train with me
for a month, in Portland.

A month? Oh, no,
I can't leave Homer that long.

? ?

(thunder crashes)

(screaming)

Oh.
Fantasies can be good?

(humming a tune)

Good to have you back.

(humming)

(yawns)
Boy, am I beat.

Homie, I feel like

I'm my very best self
in these competitions.

You are, honey.

In a way I could never
make you feel or comprehend.

Paula wants me
to train with her.

If I do,
I'll be gone for a month.

A month? We've never
been apart that long.

I miss you when we're separated
in a revolving door.

I miss you when I'm putting
a sweater over my head.

I miss you when I close my eyes
during a sneeze.

I miss you when the clock
springs ahead an hour.

We'll never get that time back.

Homer, do you really
want me to stay,

knowing how much I need this

to feel good about myself?

Yes, I do.

- (grumbles)
- What? What?

Where you going? She might leave
and never come back.

Just like the McRib.

(crying)

? You feel it all ?

? Around yourself. ?

(thunder crashes)

Oh.
I forgot to unlock the door.

God, how insulting to people.

So nervous about
seeing your mother.

Let's just enjoy Portland.

I mean, I can't believe
we've never been here before.

Indigenous artworks,
craft breweries,

independent movie theaters--

and that's just
in one coffee shop.

(gasps)
Comic Book Guy?

Yes, I often come here
to recharge.

In Portland I'm quirky,
rather than objectionable.

Do you sell comic books here?

No. Marijuana.
And artisanal salami.

Laced with marijuana.

(acoustic Simpsons theme
playing)

Stupid Flanders Street.

Okay, this is where your mom is.

Help me get her back.

Please help me get her back.

Ooh. Hello, Nicolas Cage.

(growls)

Dad, she's gonna know
that's not your real hair.

You've got to have a modicum
of faith in who you are.

It's a snap.

Cool.

- (knocking on door)
- Welcome, new friend,

whoever you are.

Homie!

You're here a day early.

BOTH:
Mom!

Mm. Oh, I've missed you all
so much.

How are you guys?

Oh! We were,
of course, unraveling.

Bart, Lisa, your grampa
is taking good care of you.

- (meows)
- Now where's the baby?

Aw.
Good girl.

Um, I like what you're wearing.

Thank you. These are
locally-sourced dungarees

and Pendleton flannel.

It's what Jill Sobule wore when
she played the Crystal Ballroom.

(gasps)
Jill Sobule?

Like every other place we go,
I love Portland.

So much,
I want to leave Springfield

until I find out something bad
that makes me realize

that there's no place like home.

Now, now, your mother
has not settled in here.

PAULA:
Welcome.

These are our pugs:
Nike and Swoosh.

BOTH:
Mwah.

Marjorie, could you and I
have a word in the backyard?

Don't you see
what's happening here?

- You're married.
- Yes, I know.

- To you.
- No, to her. Look around.

You're married in the two
most important ways there are:

emotionally and cooking.

(chuckles): Oh.
That's ridiculous.

(quietly):
You're fostering pugs.

- They remind me of you.
- Aw.

But I am upset.
I'm finally good at something

and you have to be jealous.

Marge, sweetie,
I'm really proud of you.

I'm not jealous or mad.

It's just...
when are you coming home?

Tomorrow, after the competition.

Woo-hoo!
I win.

- Not that I was nervous.
- (phone vibrating)

Unless we win, in which case,

I might stay
and prep for the finals.

Marge, I've backed you
in this from day one.

No, you haven't.
Not a bit.

Then it's too late to start now.

Oh, I'm sitting in a bar

and my wife's in love
with a female lumberjack.

Classic Portland.
Where are you from?

Springfield.

- Which one? Oregon?
- I don't know.

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome back
to the Grizzly Timbersports

Northwest Championship Finals,

brought to you by no one.

Still looking.

Marge and Paula are in control.

I am falling in love
with this sport.

And when I fall, I fall hard.

I'm taking you home with me.

(chitters)

Hold the Stella, fella.

Carol "Oak" Connor
and Rachel "The Pine" Cohen

have taken command.

? ?

I can't be silent anymore.
Let me through.

- Eh.
- There's plenty of room.

- Marge, I was a lumber-jerk.
- (grunting)

I'm only happy if you're happy.

Our love is like an old tree.

If you cut it down,
it grows back stronger.

(quietly):
Um, that's not how trees work.

Well, according to my book,
it is.

(grunting)

- Yay! All right.
- (cheering)

I love this sport!

And maybe now I can
love my lumberjack son.

(crying)

Ladies and gentlemen,
our grand champion

and winner of a Bass Pro Shops
$50 gift card,

Marge Simpson.

- (exclaims)
- All right, champ!

See you in the showers.

Congratulations, Paula.
You won.

Enjoy the hell out of her.

Homer, what is it
you think that I've won?

With me, Marge is a good woman.

With you, Marge is a great woman
with two awesome dogs.

I'm not interested in Marge.

- I have a wife and a kid.
- You have a wife?

She's in Tokyo,
training for the Olympics.

She dances...

with the ribbons?

I don't know what it's called.

So you're not breaking us up?

No. I mean, I'll miss her
on the other end of the bucksaw,

and I'll really miss
that $80 grand prize money,

but she's welcome to come up
here and train any time.

I am so grateful.
I want to do something for you.

If you'd like another kid,

I am more than happy
to offer up my sperm.

That's very kind, but...

No really, I've always
wanted to have a kid

with no responsibilities.

All right.
You're in the top three.

It's you, the track star
or the Harvard professor.

Oh, I get it.

Instead of sperm,
would you like semen?

- They're the same thing.
- They are? Uh-oh.

Oh, it still feels weird.

I don't know what to say to her.

(whispers indistinctly)

I never would've
thought of that.

Honey, would you like
to come home?

Aw.
Okay.

Your daddy loves you, sweetie.
He wants to make sure

you're always a strong,
confident little lady.

So I went out and got you this.

Mwah.

(buzzes)

Aw, her baby head fell out.

You'll be getting a visit
from the Head Fairy.

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

And FORD.
We go further, so you can.

? I walked out of the forest ?

? Before we said goodbye ?

? The birds were all a-singing ?

? As she pointed to the sky ?

? She said,
"Can't you see the rainbow? ?

? They made it just for you" ?

? She handed me her toolbox ?

? Said, "Now you know
what to do" ?

? Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ?

? Buzz, buzz, just one more ?

? Roar, roar, what a thrill ?

? With Lumberjill ?

? Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ?

? Buzz, buzz, just one more ?

? Roar, roar, what a thrill ?

? With Lumberjill. ?

Shh!