The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 5 - Gorillas on the Mast - full transcript

HOMER:
Make way!

(grunts)
D'oh!

Get ready for fun, kids.

Fun that begins with sunblock.

(humming)

Come on, Maggie.

You don't want to grow up
to look like Grampa.

Ugh, I can't enjoy seeing
animals treated like this.

It must be horrible
spending every day

trapped behind a pane of glass.

It ain't great.



Sweetie, if they're so unhappy,

why are they wagging
their tails?

- That's how fish swim.
- Well, I say they're happy.

Penguin funerals
at 12:00, 2:00 and 4:00.

("Tailgate Ramble" playing)

The killer whale is called
an apex predator

because there's nothing
that can eat it.

Nothing that can eat it, eh?

? ?

(laughs)

No. No.

This just got weird.

And now for our biggest star,
it's lunchtime.

I need a small child out here.



You get on out there,
Hors D'oeuvre.

(cheering)

(all gasping)

No worries, folks.
I lost my arm years ago.

(laughter)

Can we please go home?

This "fun" place
is about to make me cry.

Homer, why don't you take Maggie
for a stroll

and we'll check out
that mermaid over there.

Oh, that tail is so fake.

(laughter)

Smithers,
can we splash the people

- dining at that fine restaurant?
- As you wish, sir.

(screaming)

I love Sunday fun.

Mm...

You know, sweetie,
I always wanted a boat,

but my dad could
never afford one.

? Sitting on the dock
of the bay ?

? Missing all my school today ?

? Getting dumb... ?

(whistling)

Knock off that whistling.

Men have good times in silence.

Daddy, will we ever get a boat?

Are you kidding?

We couldn't even afford worms.

Oh...

- (sniffling)
- Aw, don't cry.

Have some Scottish
feel-good juice.

Okay.

- (grunts, coughs)
- Come on. Drink up.

- (whimpers)
- (chuckles)

By the standards of the day,
I'm a great father.

Mm...

Nice boat, huh? I sell boats.

Wish you could have one?

Yeah, but I'll never own a boat.

It's just a dream,
like doing a sit-up.

(chuckles)
Don't be so sure.

I don't know what you do
for a living, but me?

I'm in the dream business.

I thought you sold boats.
Make up your mind, liar.

(laughs) Now I could get
in big trouble for doing this,

but if you buy this boat now
for the listed price,

I'll throw in
this genuine captain's hat.

Don't tell my manager.

What do you think I am,
an idiot?

This hat isn't even adjustable.

- It's one-size-fits-all.
- Deal.

Wha-- No, wait,
my wife will kill me.

You think your wife's
gonna kill you

when she's sipping margaritas
as the sun sets,

her hair blowing softly
in the ocean breeze?

Her hair doesn't blow.
It kind of clangs.

Look, ask any financial planner
and they'll tell you

that getting a boat
is a better investment

than getting a divorce
or opening a bookstore.

One more thing
and I'm convinced.

I'll give you this little pin
from a defunct yacht club.

Sold.

Hey, uh, what's this little
hook thing on it?

That's an anchor. You're gonna
be a fine yachtsman.

(moans)

(gasps) Oh, my God,
your dorsal fin has collapsed.

Don't you see? She doesn't have
enough space to swim.

That thing is huge.

This park is cruel and inhumane.

Empty the tanks. Pull the plug!

I'll be back.
You can't silence me.

I-- aw. So cute.

(sighs) Thrown out
of another amusement park.

- Take me with you.
- Not enough seat belts.

? What do you do
with a drunken salesman? ?

? He goes home to his wife. ?

Finally moved
that old cabin cruiser.

No one spots a sucker like you.

Let me guess: overweight guy,
midlife crisis?

Mm. The kind of fat
where you don't even know

how old they are.

- How was your day?
- Beautiful.

Sold a Jacuzzi to someone
who came in to use the phone.

Did you gouge him
on the dipping attachment?

Wholesale plus three grand.

Ooh. You get over here.

(chuckles)
Make me an offer.

(both laugh)

Smooth.

Bart, I need your help...

(groaning):
Go away.

- ...with a prank.
- Oh, what do you need?

Hot sauce? Cow heart? Fire ants?

Oh. They're gone.

How could fire ants
get out of a paper bag?

Thank you, Lord, for these
fire ants entering my nose,

biting my brain,
testing my faith.

But I will...
(shouts)

Damn it, where's the spray?

Thanks for helping us
free that whale, Willie.

Aye. Now, to put on
me camouflage.

Man, you really know this place.

I work here in the summer.

Unlike you children,
the fish don't make fun of me.

(squeaking)

Just 'cause you're cuter than me

don't mean you're better
than me.

You're not even a fish!

(squeaking)

Unless I miss me guess, these
are the orca tank controls.

(whispers):
This guy's good.

We'll open the seawater gate and
she'll go straight in the ocean.

(grunting)

Uh, I believe it's lefty loosey.

Everything in this country
is backwards and wrong.

? ?

Thank God. A way off the ship.

We did it.
We set a captive animal free.

Pretty cool, huh, Bart?

Look how happy that thing is.

Lis, this is a new feeling.

We helped a whale be free
and now I feel wonderful.

What you're searching for
is "altruism."

- (grunts)
- Ow.

And that's called karma.

Are you happy, Willie?

I'll show you. Air bagpipes.

(imitating bagpipe)

Okay, I'm gonna take
the blindfold off.

Don't ask questions.
Don't probe for answers.

I'll just pretend
I don't know we're on a dock

next to the water.

Look where we are.
A dock next to the water.

Aw. You got a boat for the day.

Did you bring beer
and sandwiches?

Why don't you open that?

Hey, Midge, got your beer
and sandwiches right here.

? ?

Come on, Maggie, get on Daddy's
wap and take the wheel.

That's right, maximum thwottle.

(motor revs)

Vroom, vroom.
Maximum thwottle.

Ooh, you're hydwopwaning.
Yes, you are.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

88 years old
and never learned to swim.

? ?

What a wonderful day, Homie.

It's like we're living
in the painting over our couch.

HOMER:
Our marriage
has never been better.

Time to risk it all.

Okay, guess whose boat this is.

I hope it's not Johnny Depp's.

He's already in
so much financial trouble.

Brace yourself, baby. It's ours.

(gasps)
You bought this boat?

No. We bought this boat.

You just weren't aware.

(grunts, exhales)

- You know what? It's okay.
- Are you nuts?

You went out and got something
the whole family could enjoy.

- Let's live a little.
- Oh, my God, Marge.

What's happened to you?

I admit it.
You've worn me down.

You're my little polished gem.

Aw. Mwah.

(chuckles)
What do you think, Dad?

(crying): Oh, you did it, son.
You actually did it.

You found a parking spot
at the marina.

- Oh, I never...
- No, Dad. I got a boat.

- Get on.
- Oh, sure. I-- Wait a minute.

You're gonna kill me
and dump me overboard.

Well, fine. Here's my will.

HOMER:
Oh, come on now,

I'm not gonna kill you.

That's 'cause you're a lazy bum.

Now, come on, give me a hug.

- Ooh.
- Aw.

(motor clattering, backfiring)

- Nice boat.
- I'm the owner.

Very nice. I must tell you,
she's running a little rough.

(laughs)
Aren't we all?

(chuckles)
Good one.

Listen, uh, I'm a mechanic,

and I think you're going
to need my help.

Your boat is used,
and it needs repairs now.

Why now?

- It's sinking.
- (shrieks)

So, Milhouse, it turns out
I'm addicted to altruism.

I'm not gonna be happy
till I set another animal free.

If I wanted to hang out with
Lisa, I'd hang out with Lisa.

No, you wouldn't.

Now I can't free another fish

because they've increased
security at the water park.

This is great.
I got a flashlight,

walkie-talkie,
big old ring of keys.

But I found something else
we can set free.

NARRATOR:
Meet LoLo the gorilla.

Powerful, intelligent.

She can sign five words.

"Friend," "enemy," "kill,"

"vodka" and "Seinfeld."

You know she wants out.

Now for security,
I'll say the rest in Pig Latin.

Ee-way, ill-way, oh-gay, oh-tay,
ee-thay, oo-zay.

We're going on eBay?

Ay-yay arumba-cay.

(phone rings)

- Yello.
- Are you sitting down?

Of course.

Fixed your boat.
Here's the total.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

There is one hope:
share your expenses.

Pull your friends
into the black hole with you.

Yes, sir. You're supposed to
disappear now.

Yeah, I will,
but that's another hundred.

D'oh!

(sighs)

- Hey, Homer.
- What's the problem?

(sighs) I feel terrible,
just terrible.

Oh, yeah? Why's that?

Because I have been withholding

an incredible opportunity
from you guys.

My apologies. Got to go.

Did I hear, "Wait, wait"?

- No.
- We're good.

Okay, 'cause it's
really, really incredible.

See you. Leaving now. On my way.

Last chance. Buh-bye.

Eh? Eh?

Eh?

(phone rings)

Yello.

Okay, I'll bite.
What's the opportunity?

I don't know, Lenny.

I mean, I need someone
with genuine enthusiasm.

- Understood. Have a good ni...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do you want to go in
on a boat with me?

We share expenses,
we split the time.

If you agree,
continue breathing normally.

I don't know.

I heard that sharing boats
can ruin friendships.

Well, somebody better tell Carl
'cause he is in.

Wait, I don't want
to be left out. I'm in!

(chuckles) Glad to hear it.
Could you put Carl on?

(chuckles)

We brought
our old college stereo.

Let's let everyone
in the water know

some big shots
are having a wild time.

? I love to work
at nothing all day ?

? And I'll be taking care
of business ?

? Every day ?

(muffled):
? Taking care of business ?

? Every way... ?

Yeah, those fish are hearing
some awesome B.T.O. right now.

Why don't you take
the throttle, dear.

(motor revs)

Oh, I feel it!
I feel the power.

You know, I thought we were
just dating casually.

It wasn't going anywhere.
But now, will you marry me?

(stammers) I, uh...
This is not a no!

? Taking care of business ?

? Every day. ?

(elephant trumpets)

Okay, I've got it.

What she doesn't know is there's
an overgrown vine behind her

where she can climb up
to freedom.

One of us has to get in there
and show her how to do it,

but which one?

Uh, did I ever mention that
I'm allergic to gorilla fur?

Dang! The one thing
I'm not allergic to.

You know, this time I really
thought Bart was gonna do it.

- I'll do it next time.
- I know you will, buddy.

- (LoLo roars)
- Ah! Oh!

(panting)

(Milhouse whimpers)

? ?

(roaring)

We got a problem.

Two problems.

So this is what it's like
to be in a loving family.

? ?

(buzzing)

- (phone buzzing)
- (groans)

Hello?

Lis, altruism sucks.

You idiot.

You set a fish free because
it has an ocean to swim in.

If you set a gorilla free,

it goes into the city
and it gets killed.

"The Great Esc-Ape"?

A gorilla mysteriously freed
from the Springfield Zoo

is wreaking havoc
all over town.

The police, as always,
are useless.

WIGGUM:
Not true, Kent.
We've located the gorilla.

He's on the top of a store
next to a sign reading,

"You'll Go Ape
For Our Bargains."

Uh, yeah, I think that's
a balloon, Chief.

Prove it.

- (air hissing)
- Happy, Lou?

You just shot a balloon.

I love boat ownership.

Spending every weekend
polishing brass.

I feel like Larry Ellison.

I had the espresso maker
mounted on gimbals,

so when the big waves hit,
they won't ruin the foam art

on our cappuccino.

Foam Lenny, you're my hero.

Hey, who are all these people?

I, uh, may have sold
some extra shares,

so I'm afraid
these are all co-owners.

Co-owner I be, says me. Yarr.

Duffman wants to impress
his new stepkids.

What do you think, Kyle?

My father died
from drinking your product.

We have a lot to work on.
Oh, yeah!

All these people are co-owners?
Even Cat Lady?

Now she's Catamaran Lady.

- (loud music playing)
- (overlapping chatter)

There's too many people,
I can't move.

Okay, cast off.

Hey, my cappuccino head.

Well, at least I can swim
to shore. (panting)

Eh, eh, this is,
this is too hard.

Hey! Hey, I can stand!

Eh, no, it's just too hard.

Perhaps music
will calm her down.

? One, eight, seven, seven,
cars for kids. ?

(roaring)

Ah! My screenplay!

LoLo. LoLo!

"Friend." "Friend."

(roars)

Oh, no, I accidentally
signed "fiend."

-Look, I'll help you
find safety.
-(sniffing)

I just have to convince you
I'm your friend. How?

How?

(Seinfeld theme music playing)

(gasps) Seinfeld.

- (roars)
- Newman.

If this was just
a little bit looser,

it would be the best thing
in the world. (chuckles)

(sighs)

Sir, I would like
to return my boat

for a full refund.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Perhaps James Cameron

would take an interest
in your sunken ship,

but my responsibility
ended at ka-ching.

You sold me a lemon.

Mm-hmm, people like lemons.
They're good for your voice.

With your smooth talk, you could
convince anyone of anything.

You like my lapels?
You want to buy the jacket?

- Yes.
- (chuckles) 50 bucks.

(laughs)
Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm also in another business:

smuggling meth
inside bicycle tires.

Thanks for the free bike.

Just get it to Mexico
by tomorrow.

Ba-ja!

MARGE:
Lisa, what are you doing?

Um, I'm in my bedroom with Dad.

- Oh, that's sweet.
- (bottle shatters)

- FLANDERS: Watch it!
- Oh.

Homie, I told you
to stop doing that.

Y'all bring your gorilla here.

We'll teach him
to ride and shoot,

and soon it'll be
a Planet of the Apes.

Whoops.

No.

Here at U.T.A.,
United Talented Apes,

we'll shave your gorilla

and make him a body double
for Bruce Willis,

and if he behaves
even a little,

he could become Bruce Willis.

Next. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You're perfect.
Will you take my ape?

Dr. Goodall, I can't thank you
enough for saving LoLo.

LoLo. That's what they
called her in captivity,

but I've given her a new name,

one worthy of such
a magnificent creature: PoPo.

And may I just tell you,
you've always been my hero.

Thank you. But I wonder,

how many female scientists
have you told they're your hero?

In your field? Um, only three.

Oh, well. Good enough.
We'll take fine care of PoPo.

- See you soon.
- Wait. Come back.

Take me with you. I want a life
exactly like yours.

Well, so do hundreds of others,
but still, you might get lucky

if you work really hard
and get a doctorate.

Would you give me a scholarship?

No, you'd have to save up,
like I did.

Then there's a slight chance
you'll have me?

Well, very slight,
but don't give up.

That is the most encouraging
thing I have ever heard.

Lis, thanks for undoing
the damage of my good deed.

I'm glad you've
come to understand

the importance of altruism.

Altruism rocks!

Like when you let something go
and it smashes everything.

Next, I want to
altruism a rhino.

Then I'm gonna altruism a robot
with sledgehammers for hands.

Sometimes I just want
to sit back

and watch the whole world
altruism.

Look, the gorillas
have picked up some new habits

from your father.

Yeah, but Homer picked up
some cool gorilla moves, too.

(grunting)

Oh...

- Well, I never.
- (angry chatter)

Okay, okay, I know you're mad,

but because there are
so many of us,

we each just lost a little.

And I just want to say,
for the rest of your life,

you'll know that you're just as
good as someone who owns a boat

because you owned a boat
for five minutes.

Well, you did give us something
for our money: great memories.

And look what someone in Japan
sent back to me.

Three cheers for Homer.

ALL:
Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

ANNOUNCER:
Foam Lenny on Fox!

Fridays at 8:00,
because we've got nothing else.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!